Fall into bed (or not)

In truth, I'm having a tough time of it--unable to sleep, plagued by unspecific anxiety, my brain overflowing with sad details. I was just congratulating myself for holding it together... Look at me: making breakfasts and dinners, prepping lectures and discussions, doing house projects, attending every work meeting, making plans with friends, researching the next book chapter, keeping my million plants alive!

And then one day the thousand-yard stare of a shell-shocked child won't leave my head and I have to excuse myself from the classroom to compose myself. But isn't it great how much lighter it feels after a good cry? 

Pic: A couple of weeks ago when it finally started getting cooler, I changed us to Fall bedclothes and now the bedroom looks so golden and cozy. I wish I could log more sleep hours than I am currently though!

seen and felt

I'm moved by all the people all across the world protesting the ongoing war in the middle east and especially by the thousands of young people chanting "not in my name." The protests put into action the Rabbi Tarfon quote that has helped me in times of crushing weltschmerzen: "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief... You are not obligated to complete the work but neither are you free to abandon it." 

The two main constituencies in the U.S. organizing for a ceasefire right now are (1) Palestinians whose families are under attack in Gaza and (2) progressive American Jews, some of whom lost family in the Hamas attack. This is an incredible coalition that gives me hope.

And this snippet from Marwan Makhoul I have been seeing everywhere is simultaneously insight and benediction. The text reads: "In order for me to write/poetry that's not political/I must listen to the birds/and in order to hear the birds/the war planes must be silent."

May it be so.

in a critical condition

Ivy clings like memories even when all the tenses fall wrong

I keep looking over my shoulder for the children are slower and left behind 

I tried to bring them bandages and medicine but find only their cinders in the air  

I fall, then my face falls, my sight falls away, and

then my mask falls

I've answered grief as loud as I can but how could I be louder than my disbelief

I sweep up my footprints in the dust, my imprints in the sand, and let my fingerprints burn

I have mourned the dead; I am mourning the dead; I will always be mourning the dead.

--------------------------------

Pic: Ivy wall with L.

for I don't know where I am

the day will happen soon enough
the shout of the sun 
the hit of to-dos 

how I will climb up the afternoon
then slide down
to dinner 

the hours search with serrated teeth 

to stitch time up

into context

sleep is a circadian memento mori  

yet I step to it

stirring

its shadows frantic, lurking in gaps

but once its here

its here

Pic: Huck and Max, tails aflutter.  (Cuddle time!)

it is what it is

I was relieved life conspired to give me a day of silence to gather myself yesterday. And as it turns out, today was the opposite with extra people-ing: the beginning of Navaratri, Sunday family dinner, people at home, walks and talks I had scheduled with friends earlier in the week... 

And although I started out by merely going through the motions, each interaction refueled me in big and tiny ways. When I called my mom this morning, I could hear the hubbub of the hundred+ guests at the family celebration of Navaratri in Pondycherry  and then I got passed from mom to aunts and uncles and cousins--each a little rush of love. My dinner--a colorful chopped salad and a fluffy frittata inspired by Seamus Mullen's Real Food Heals was beautiful and filling. (Fun fact: Big A went to college with Seamus, and our friend CC dated him.) My garden walk with HK was lovely, and I also got to go on a long ramble--geographically and conversationally--with L. Lots of mutual check-ins and chats with JG, EM, JL, and BL... Nu's very serious demeanor during our impromptu dermatological consult made me (still makes me) smile and they gave me products from their own stash of K-skin care to help with my recent acne outbreak. 

These are all blessings I am so, so lucky to have in this imperfect and difficult world.

Pic: Water Lilies at MSU Horticultural Gardens with HK. I thought about cropping out the clump of weeds and gathered gunk, but it is what it is... 

I can't today.

And Big A is working, At is at his place, Nu is out with friends, my family in India is together at a family celebration...

So it's ok if I can't. 

I spent most of the day in silence gathering myself. I can manage conversations with Huck and Max fine.

heartbreak and gratitude

This James Baldwin quote is reverberating in my head as I catch up with the news today. "The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; and I am beginning to suspect that whoever is incapable of recognizing this is incapable of morality." How are we all just sitting around watching genocide in real time?

I spent over ten hours at work, on campus. I find myself thinking that when I'm an empty nester, I'll have more time to do stuff--like travel with students on alternative service breaks, do more on-campus organizing, etc. Sometimes, I hear another internal voice saying "Ugh, get a life." But I like this life. 

Big A went to the E.R. today (as a patient) to get a CAT scan, and we're both just so relieved and grateful that it wasn't what we'd feared it was. He has something and he's lost 20 pounds in the last six weeks and it's unclear what the next steps will be, but he's not going to die right away. I'm glad; I like him a lot.

In different conversations with At and Nu, I found myself so grateful that their convictions and the way they act on them is so... pure and principled. As SS said to me, imagine if they had rebelled against their upbringing and grown up to be bigots--I can't imagine it. Won't. Also grateful for my CASA kids whose birthday week it is, and who are such kind and joyful little ones despite all kinds of fuckery in their immediate circles.

Pic: Huck and Max after I put them in their room for the night. I love the way Huck is leaning into Max. Grateful they really like each other now.

the hang of it

I will myself to remember the contour

of this beast with no beginnings

this longing even when all is given 
even when nothing is desired

I really have no reason to remember 

the safe, ordinary history of today 

cautious happiness, habitual beauty 

its precious and explicit luck

I taste the escaped words, their notions 

of emptiness and openings  

in the release of the first silver raindrop

its receipt splattering in the dirt

-----------------------------------------

Pic: CC's view of The Red Cedar from her canoe. All of the feelings for the beauty of this day and the heartbreak of the news...

sweetest sixteen

I cannot believe our little Nu is sixteen. Or rather, I can believe Nu is sixteen, but can't believe it was sixteen years and one day ago that Big A and I were walking hand-in-hand through the doors of the NYU teaching hospital so I could get the Pitocin to coax Nu out. That day feels like yesterday.

Our Nu has always done things on their own time and the labor nurse who said they had an old soul was absolutely right. May this year nurture and delight my little darling.

(The My Little Pony celebration kit I put together was a hit as were the name-change docs we tucked in amongst their other presents.)

Pic: Nu decided they just had to build a gift-bag tower to the ceiling.

somebody's news

the rain's reckless embroidery
brackish, gradual as my grief 
               the paralysis of its apologies
               natural as my sorriest excuse

I start another broken journey
into the wholeness of today

               forever is fevers of longing
               and fierce bruises growling 
your hypothesis of heavens 
a harbor dangerous as hope 

____________________________

I'm grateful for fall break, the change of pace, and being able to take a break from the news today. 

After I took Nu to the school bus + Max and Huckie out to potty, I crept back into bed to read for hours. It felt glorious. Big A popped in after his meeting to marvel that I was still abed at eight and to check if I was sick. (I'm not!)

After a short rainy walk, a shorter weight session, and a very long soak, I stopped by the bookstore. I had a gift certificate from my birthday and more money on it than I remembered and got some extra stuff for Nu's birthday. 

Later, while texting, I discovered that At had the day off too, so we hung out to chat in person and got haircuts and pedicures. The stylist at the Supercuts was a bit mystified by the way my hair looked (I had cut my own hair the night before the semester started), but I admitted nothing. Also, it had been so long since I had a pedicure, that I didn't know there's now a "shellac" option where you can put your shoes right away with nary a smudge! How long has this been going on?!

Pic: Waterlilies and koi at Radiology Gardens.

heart-to-heart

It would probably take me many tries to get all the loops and turns of how exactly Cousin P is my cousin. But I just know that she is. Growing up, she was a constant fixture of family get togethers and although she was just two years older, I absolutely idolized her (still do). 

Our straightforward heart connection bypasses the complicated family tree. When we lived in New Jersey, we saw each other every day and I always feel very, very loved by her. When morning sickness laid me low, she hand-fed me. And I don't mean spoon-fed--she scooped up the rice and rasam into little balls and fed me with her fingers like a proper South Indian mama would. 

I'm so glad P came for a visit despite all the stresses of her high-powered job, and illnesses in the family. And of course we plunged into chattering the day away. At my request, RR came by to give her a massage and then At came over to say hello and we all sat down to dinner together, FaceTiming various other cousins. 

There's a family reunion planned... for 2025... I can't wait. 

Pic: Cousin P, Nu, At, and Cousin K2 (on the phone from the U of Maine).

a-more-fun-day

No "Sunday scaries" today because we're on "Midterm Fall Break," which is, basically, just Mon and Tues off (because Thanksgiving next month will give us Wed, Thurs, and Fri off) blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, etc. 

The specifics don't matter! It's just SO NICE to not have to jump right into the week. I'll catch up with grading (I can dream!)

I took myself outside to prevent myself from falling into a "funk" (as my dad would call it) about the UAW strike (now in its fifth week--the workers are getting $500 a week and that can only go so far) and the war in Palestine (on top of all the horrors of history and occupation).

I spent hours in the backyard raking and in the garden tidying with Max, then a blissful massage visit from RR, a chatty, catch-up visit from JL replete with carrot cupcakes and champagne, a soup I invented with butternut squash, spinach, and almonds, and a depressing but so-good book (Emma Cline's The Guest) made up the rest of my day.

(Somehow although I spent hours outside with no casualties, I got a yellowjacket sting inside the house.)

Pic: Post-dinner jinks with Big A, Huck, Max, and Nu.

Maya Boulevard

This summer when Big A and I were making our way back from Jamaica, the restaurant at the airport had one of those displays where you can find souvenirs with your name on it. 

My very Sanskrit name has gotten more mainstream lately, so I was delighted to find that the address-themed stall had a "Maya Boulevard" and then I found one with Big A's name too, so I excitedly got both.  

Big A was amused by my delight and said he'd never had a name souvenir before. 

I was all: OMG! Did you never find your name before either? 

And he was all: No, it was just too cheesy for me. 😂😭

Anyway, I put those signs on our respective sides of the closet by the bathroom door, above two prints I love. The "we are in this together," is a reminder that has gotten us through some tough times and the New Yorker cover features a couple who we think kinda looks like us when we used to explore NYC on dates.

nocturne

when I slip into a canoe 

to call it sleep--no one

has questions to ask

                              I deceive myself  

anxiety is my specialty 

every rock a pinnacle

every ripple a cataract  

                              I deserve myself 

            I like to say I'm flowing

            but I'm falling... falling 

            so... slowly you can't tell

_________________________

The radio was the perfect soundtrack today, playing "Friday I'm in Love" (what a perfect villanelle!) just as I got into the car to come home after a long day of meetings. (EC and I have the rest of the FYS project mapped out; tied up some delightful student consults on projects; a student emergency where DD magically showed up to help renewed my gratitude that her office is just two doors away from mine.) Then the radio played "Nothing Compares" and the Prince-Sinead-Scout sorrow was overwhelming. "All the flowers that you planted /In the backyard/All died when you went away" will never fail to squeeze a sob out out of me. I blame this song--poor Big A said something innocuous in the course of a conversation around 2 am, and I had a full-on sobbing interlude. Okay.

Onward... I want to thank Mel at Stirrup Queens for the shoutout in her 985th blog roundup! The last three times I made it to the roundup, it brought good luck in the form of emails notifying me that poems had been accepted for publication in other places. This time--alas--I did not have any submissions out. Perhaps I should work on getting some out over the upcoming long weekend.

Pic: It feels like our first perfect fall day, and I got out--between meetings--for a walk-and-talk on the bike path with AK.

and then there's hope

Five "I" glimmers today:

1. I got my watch battery changed. My fancy watch is part of what I consider to be an essential component of my "academic drag" so I've been wearing it to work albeit with a dead battery for a couple of weeks now. Finding the 20 minutes to have it fixed has been making me feel accomplished every time I glance at my wrist today.
2. I got in a 15-minute fitness class this morning. Fitness really falls away during term time and especially on teaching days. I have that Mirror doohickey so I have no excuses, but I always think to myself that I'll do a yoga/barre/pilates sesh after I get home from work--but that's always a fake out. If I don't exercise in the morning, I don't exercise for the day. So my 15-minutes of barre before I put on my work outfit today makes me (feel like) a champion. 
3. I lucked out picking Ann Patchett's Tom Lake as my next book... It was the perfect comforting remise en bouche--almost sorbet like--after the heaviness of the Zadie Smith. I'm loving the Michigan setting and the easy family witticisms, the wise-wild reminder of exciting/turbulent lives lived pre-marriage and pre-kids...  And then the contentment and happiness Lara, the protagonist, feels in having the whole family sheltering in place under the same roof during the early pandemic matches my feelings about that time.
4. I heard about the Jon Fosse Nobel for Literature and was disappointed because I really, really thought Rushdie or Ngũgĩ would win it this year... But I feel hopeful enough to think: ah well, there's always next year. 
5. Pic: I'm not imagining the strange mashup of holidays that stores seem to be celebrating simultaneously these days. NGS mentioned this weirdness earlier this week, and seeing this bizarre sign in the window of a store ("Hallo-Thank-Xmas"--WHAT?!) is a clear indication that some corporate genius/jackass somewhere thinks this could be a selling idea. (Probably is?)

celebrating small

I'm a bit sad-mad-feeling bad. 

We have two big birthdays coming up this month: Nu turns 16 and Big A turns 50! I'd love nothing more than to celebrate them by throwing huge birthday bashes for them... but neither wants that. I'm perfectly capable of pulling together surprise parties for both of them, but I know in my bones that they would actively dislike that. And of course they should be celebrated in ways that make them happy. 

I know these are just numbers and it's silly to feel like they would be missed opportunities and that a 17th birthday or a 51st birthday can't be as special. This year, both of them say they want dinner with the fam and... that's all. It sounds a bit... underwhelming?

I mean... I love birthdays so much, I invented Boss Days. Today was mine, BTW. I picked sushi for dinner, got waited on hand and foot, and used a gift cert to buy myself a copy of Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before. I like how it sounds like a thriller instead of the self-help it is!

Pic: Out by Scout's memorial. Max and Huckie don't know what to do next after they've treed Kylo (our resident trickster / black squirrel). 

sleep.less.

my voice scatters on the floor

my eyes want even more 

I'm still here... I think

the hours are many and small 

I crawl... to whichever hour 

will take all of me 

____________

Pic: Almost time to say goodbye to this flower bed. 

sweet grapes

So strange that StephLove should comment, "It's important to know what to skip sometimes..." At the start of today I could have really used some advice on what to skip. Thankfully, things worked themselves out as they tend to do.

Somehow, there were four work events and meetings scheduled in the 4:00 - 5:30 pm block today. I guess that reflects the intersectional nature of my work existence as a woman-identified, humanities prof who teaches in the first-year-seminar program and co-advises our International Club. The FYS meeting was thankfully canceled, and DD offered to represent me at the Humanities meeting, so I went to the two receptions, had a great time at both, and networked extra hard with the one other person who also attended both.

Pic: Didn't have time for a walk today, but this is a pic of an accidental (volunteer?) grapevine out by the garage. Not as fancy as Nicole who now lives on a literal vineyard and clips herself some grapes for a snack--but although these grapes were tiny, they were a fierce kind of sweet. 

the weekend's odds and ends

In all, a quiet and gentle end to the weekend. 

• We didn't go to the neighborhood potluck, but I did go to the opening of RR's new wellness place to support them; 
• Nu didn't go to homecoming, but hung out with friends who were prepping for homecoming all afternoon; 
• a rambling discussion over tea at At's place in which I discovered that Machiavelli had republican tendencies and that Gramsci thought that the audience for The Prince was the working class because rulers had surely already used most of those Machiavellian moves (!); 
• and at long last, a lovely reunion and garrulous conversation with L who showed up around tea time, and I sat at her feet (literally--as I couldn't bear to be too far from her) and caught her up to everything that's been going on.

In other news: 

• How is it already October? 
• [Insert a rant about the American healthcare system here] Big A's new health insurance coverage hasn't YET kicked in. 
• I finished The Fraud and loved it. It gave me White Teeth vibes in its reliance on cross-cultural solidarity and the way the title can be positioned to reflect on several aspects of the narrative. Lovely. 
• I think the new Ann Patchett Tom Lake is next. 

Pic: I love the way the kids placed the flower in the palm of the baby Ganesha they gave me one Mothers' Day. It looks like he is holding it out to me...

O M G(anesha)

We have little Ganeshas all over the house and at least once a year, they get sprinkled with rosewater, decorated with turmeric and kumkum, and offered fresh flowers and berries. 

Today was that day. (We usually do this on Ganesh Chaturthi, but that was a working day + At was traveling.) 

The kids have always liked the thrill of seeking out the Ganeshas in every room. Some have been in the same place forever--like the big Ganesha in the vestibule, but many get moved around when I rearrange, and some--like the Ganesha in a rocking chair I picked up over the summer's trip to India--are new.

This year, I offered a cash prize to the kid who guessed how many Ganeshas we have. We have 30 Ganeshas! There were some rascally disputes about who guessed what--so they both split the grand prize. (It was a 20; I am so money 😂.) (Also: I just remembered that we missed the Ganeshas in the basement!)

Pic: At and Nu with offerings for Ganesha. Huck and Max are here because they love banana, dried mango, and pumpkin cookies.

unexpected excitement(s)

Good excitement: Getting a text from At after my day of eight meetings asking if they could come home for dinner (YES!) and take Nu back to their place for a sleepover (so cute!). And then EM texted saying they'd found "a very nice mooncake without egg yolks" for us to share for today's Autumn moon festival. 

Bad excitement: Me speeding about 5 miles faster than usual to get home and make dinner. 

Good excitement: Everyone said they'd be here at different times so Big A ate at the counter while I cooked... but then EM was here... and At was here too before too long. So we all sat down to dinner, noisily talking over each other, making jokes about corpos and high school and each other before we started on the mooncakes. 

Bad excitement: After everyone had left (Big A for work, EM to have Zoom dinner with their mom, At and Nu for their sleepover), I smelled something like a gas leak in the garage. There is no gas line there AFAIK, and when I called the company they wanted me to call 911, so I did. Then a big firetruck and the nice fire chiefs came by and drove Huck and Max bonkers. The fire people did a ton of checks but thankfully neither they not their various gadgets found anything.

Good excitement: Realizing close to 1:00 am as the firetruck pulled away and I walked Max in the backyard that the overcast skies had cleared... and I had a perfect view of tonight's supermoon!

Pic: Nu and At on the driveway as they set off for the evening. 

class... and caste

I told my favorite class that they were my favorite class today. They have such wonderful insights and analyses so I spend a lot of time when I'm not actively prepping class talking to them in my head and thinking up ancillary material they would appreciate.

For instance, today we read the late, great Kamilah Aisha Moon's poem "Fannie Lou Hamer"  and it really resonated--especially with the education majors who were reminded of all the ongoing school book bans where it seems like people believe racism will go away if we don't talk about it. 

At my PWI, I've always tried to offer different subject positions so people don't defensively feel locked into positions of white supremacy. Whiteness doesn't preclude people from being on the side of justice... You can be anti-racist... you can be Victoria Liuzzo! You can be John Brown!* I got to try that out for myself today while listening to news of the California caste ban. The first part of the show has the amazing Thenmozhi Soundarajan (whose book I should finish soon), and there are defensive protesters in latter half of the segment claiming the legislation isn't needed because caste doesn't exist anymore. (Eyeroll.) And I checked in with myself, and no--I felt no solidarity with the "high-caste" woman who was making that argument; my solidarity is with the people fighting for justice and that's as it ought to be.

Pic: Huck and Max are confused about race. Huck says, "I'm brown like Mama." Max says, "Wait! I thought we were ginger like Dada?"

*Perhaps I should find some examples of people who weren't martyred though.

fall (in love)

George Eliot just made an appearance in the Zadie Smith novel I'm reading!

It's so cool because I know how much Smith loves 19th century novels, and her new novel is set in the 19th century and I was just thinking it that it read a bit like a George Eliot and suddenly there was George Eliot herself. Just a cameo for now, but who knows... I'm just over halfway through.

In any case it reminded me of this lovely quote by Eliot that is so perfect for this cloudy, moody, and perfectly fall day: "Is not this a true autumn day? Just the still melancholy that I love — that makes life and nature harmonize. The birds are consulting about their migrations, the trees are putting on the hectic or the pallid hues of decay, and begin to strew the ground, that one’s very footsteps may not disturb the repose of earth and air, while they give us a scent that is a perfect anodyne to the restless spirit. Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." (from Letter to Miss Lewis, Oct. 1, 1841)

Early this morning, I did a handful of tough (for me) things I'd been ignoring (set a new timeline for the book, queried a weird credit card charge, fixed an IT snag on Canvas, addressed a difficulty with a coworker) and the rest of the day fell into a more predictable and productive pattern.

Pic: A mess of vines in dramatic fall colors from a short walk today.

just right!

O my heart. 

The bowls of salad Nu and Big A made to accompany the tiny pizzas they made for dinner looked like they were ready for the three bears in the Goldilocks story. 

It made me smile although I was nearly falling down from tiredness from being too hot all day in a twinset. (It was supposed to be cold!) 

I got the Papa Bear bowl because I'm the biggest eater of us three.  (But I do need to find a nice way to suggest that maybe we not team apples and avocado in the same bowl next time. 😄)

Pic: Bowls of salad that were not too big... not too small... but just right for today!

a bridge so near

They've positioned the walking bridge across the Red Cedar. Never have I ever been so invested in a construction project! There are several walking bridges on the riverwalk towards Spartan Stadium, but this is the first one east of campus and right across from our street. They're calling it a "river trail expansion" and it would let us walk/bike all the way to Lake Lansing.

Did I say "invested"? I meant excited. I dragged Big A over to see it all up close at the end of our walk. And he kept warning me not to touch it as if I was a toddler with no self control. 

As if. 

Also: Super happy about the successful end to the WGA strike and fingers crossed for the SAG people. I'm on tenterhooks about the UAW strike; I've been dipping into Chapter 13 of The People's History for inspiration and optimism.

 

Pic: The new walking/bike path this afternoon after workers had left for the day.

It is told

I cast stones, follow them down
with my eye
everyone loves a happy ending 

                                                        a memory of my father, hand raised

                                                        to give me 

                                                        a high five or a hug or a wave hello 

the child irrevocably lost somewhere 

although only 

in books and movies and video games 

                                                       doesn't everyone love a good story?
                                                       even when 
                                                       it runs off inexplicably like water?

frequently, I too have taken to a bed 

planting crops

in the soft dust of worlds being born

------------------------------------------

Day: I didn't leave home today. I attended UU online, graded online for hours, read for hours, gardened and walked in the yard for hours, Nu met friends for dinner and was gone for hours, and then R stopped by to give me a massage--for one hour. I think that was the high point of my day. Spent some time being miffed with Big A, and that was the low point. (Raced through Jessamine Chan's School for Good Mothers and now am deep into Zadie Smith's The Fraud.)

Pic: Max and Huck at sunset yesterday. Golden hour; golden babies.

company song*

the glasses fall
they bleed their wine 
our stories agree
on paths of memory

we're at last call 

see banter and comfort 

touch everyone

and as we're nearly done 

I thank you, all

you aimed for music 

told the song

of where we may belong 

-----------------

*Note: A ditty Nu helped me make as we put away last night's party. 

Pic: A handsome frog sunning himself at our pond. No kisses or crown needed.

"full hearts, can't lose"

Dinner party at our place this evening. My standing 2:00 pm EPC meeting got canceled, so I happily cooked from 1:30 to 6:00. I made too much food as usual, but was able to send people home with take home boxes. 

Lovely people, terrific conversations, and a happy evening. Nu had requested that they be excused as soon as they'd eaten, but they stayed at the table all evening because they were enjoying themselves. (I guess we teachers know how to talk to young people!)

Pic: Taken by VV, in whose honor this gathering was. While I'm posting just a screenshot here for other people's privacy, everyone looks lovely in it. (Except me--in black at the head of the table with Big A--I was saying "wow" and look hilarious. Ha.) 

how they grow

My heart grows full. I feel really connected to my classes (ahead of schedule even... usually it's around midterm before I announce how much I love my students to the fam). 

An old student announced a major career win on FB, and when I added my congratulations, they thanked me and commented, "your courses and kindness did a lot to shape my goals." That felt so wonderfully validating to hear--a reminder of good things I did in the past and hopefully will again. Also because when I think of this student one of the first things I remember is their kindness and brilliance. 

Pic: Max after he treed a squirrel (Kylo, I think). And just like that (IYKYK), Max looks like a big kid. There's still some puppy in his eyes and that infantilizing (yellow with polka dots!) harness Big A got him, but mostly grown up. 

an unfolding

I have been dreaming of people
invisible mountains I exhaled 

into existing

twisting, quickening and though 

short-lived as grass, are seeds 

spiraling in space

are tendrils--of time and desire

opening and expanding

nodding, knowing

a  presence  here to make up for

an absence there, everywhere

the whims of distance 

I... wonder at the un-being before, 

after--the gasp of busy-ness now

marks how life slips by 

---------------------------------------

Note: I did not expect when I started writing that in writing about the space we occupy, I would slip into--and invoke--ideas of galaxies. I think some of this came from dreaming last night--vividly--of people who were important for a season but I may never see again. And I miss Scout so much... my irrational search for him certainly spans every interpretation of "heavens."

Pic: I found this perfect and early autumnal tree in the grocery store parking lot!

"as bright as ten million suns"*

Ganesha Chaturthi today (basically, Ganesha's birthday)! I'm not super religious, but I do find joy, peace, and solace in celebrating the rituals I was raised with.

It was a teaching day, so I moved pooja until after work. I always fast on Ganesh Chaturthi until I can break my fast with the pooja offering, so it did mean that I fasted all day. It was extra interesting because I brought pumpkin cake and almond pastries to work to celebrate. 

But I survived hunger (and temptation), came home, made dinner, made a prasad-and-fruit-plate for pooja, had a peaceful pooja, and a nice dinner (and later cuddle) with the fam. 

#AdventuresInPracticingAMinorityReligion. There's a new Michigan bill that would make more minority religious holidays official state holidays. I appreciate how considerate that is, but also, the religious observances in Hinduism are so numerous, I doubt it it'll make more than a dent. Ha.

* Title: I love the sloka that compares the brightness of this god of beginnings to "ten million suns."

Pic: Huck and Max planning to take naps on me. (And yes, we got a third couch for the rumpus room so we can all sprawl a little more.)

bridges

L told me they were building a bike and walking path along the river away from MSU and across from their house at the beginning of the summer. 

And I've loved watching the various little earthmovers and pavers work on this project for a while. 

It's been mostly done for a while now except for the bridge... and this week Big A and I noticed that they have a bridge ready to go. It looks like all they have to do is use that big red crane to position the bridge to span the river. 

Also: It occurred to me yesterday that not spending as much time with L as I usually do (our individual travel plans and illness patterns and work schedules have been bonkers) may also be impacting my sense of wellbeing...  L is the absolute best.

Pic: Construction on the east Red Cedar riverwalk project underway.

Why now?!

"Why now?!?" I asked BOL on our walk. Last year this time: Big A was working far away from home; Nu was in a difficult place; and I was trying to manage it all. My sadness would have made more sense then. I have to say I feel a bit blindsided and bewildered that I feel sad now. 

BOL said I was probably too busy putting out fires to let myself feel my feelings last year, and that they're coming to the fore precisely because I have some breathing room now. That immediately made so much sense to me, I told them they should be a counsellor or something. (They are a counsellor; so we laughed about that.)

Pic: Baker Woods with BSL this afternoon.

kindling

I needed something. I can't be Mx. Congeniality at work, earth + den mother at home and then all mopey all the time on my own time. 

So as of today I have a new book (Zadie Smith's The Fraud), a new show (Sweet, Kaaram, Coffee), and a new language on DuoLingo (French, which I took last in high school) to help me reset my spate of mopey days. 

Big A is taking a pre-work nap after our lovely meal with AH and SD and Nu is off to movie night at a friend's. I have the house to myself for the first time in what seems forever to cuddle with Huck and Max and kindle something new to get me out of my rut. 

Pic: Max + the firewood and kindling we got out of the two trees that fell into our backyard in last month's storm. When life gives you downed trees, make firewood... or something like that.

"Eventually everything happens"*

 on TV ads                                                       on TV shows

death is always a side effect                            death is always a side effect 

of every medication                                        in every condition of life

                                                

I might as well spin worlds like cocoons

shortcuts are the milestones

the void is the vision 

and I may have grown out of summer

I may have finally grown up

in a leap of breath

I say my name like it's a memory

eventually everything happens

eventually it is time

--------------------------------------------

* I took the title from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's "eventually everything happens..." But I can't find the full quote right now. I'm not at my best and might be doing quite badly... I wonder if people can tell. Like I left the trunk of my car open in the parking lot until a colleague friend texted me, didn't hear back (I was in class), and just decided to shut it for me. I keep leaving my phone/bag/laptop in classrooms and people kindly bring them to me. I win, as I was telling SD, at "the spaciness" right now. 

inexhaustible

dizzy with composition
but otherwise ordinary

                                         the body buds 
                                        just like a fist

history may recede or 

burst--busy with horror
                                       how could I trust

                                       its cold epilogue

to welcome me like kin
or to drag my silences in 

alternate endings

I've heard living can change you

not living is like a group project 
where you are just a small name 

defeat meets grief, and they feast
on the dark seated in your mouth

and in the phones you yell into

in languages you always lip-sync

to arguments whose timelines 

sit six feet under the future 

I bet I could dream better than this

I could get to know myself

I could know I was safe 

------------------------------------

Pic: Calendula? Cone flowers? By MSU Beal Gardens. Nice story on the 150th anniversary of Beal Gardens today on the radio. 

the things we (don't) carry

1) This morning as I was getting ready for work, my eyebrow piercing tinkled onto the bathroom counter. I instantly realized what it was and I felt such a profound sense of... relief. There was no mistaking it. It was relief. I got bilateral eyebrow piercings just about a year ago and went down to one about six months ago. I liked my piercing, and I thought it made me look and feel tougher. I'd wanted to get one since about 1997, so I'm glad I finally got to try it. Absolutely no regrets. But I don't think I'm putting it back in.

2) Max had his neutering surgery yesterday. I know it's the right and responsible thing to do and all that. But at the same time it feels like we made a decision for him and that part makes me uncomfortable. My very irreverent kids were making jokes about "twin balls" and yesterday's date--that also made me uncomfortable.

3) I have a wardrobe overfull of decades of clothes I could technically wear, but rarely do. And I never seem to have time to devote to a proper cull.  What has been working for me is to fill one donation bag every day. I just walk around shopping in my closet for stuff I think someone else might like and I'm finally freeing up some space (and sometimes rediscovering long ago favorites). 

4) It feels like I carry sadness--it's like a barrel my arms barely meet around--with me lately, and I wish I could put it on the things-not-to-carry list as well. Some of it is missing Scout and some of it is generalized worry about the other kids, my parents, deadlines, global poverty, the climate crisis, our finances, and so on and so on. But mostly it feels inexplicable, incessant... and exhausting.

Pic: JN's "giant vagina." JN made this when Michigan rep. Lisa Brown and then Senator Gretchen Whitmer performed The Vagina Monologues on the state capitol steps after Brown was barred from speaking in the senate because she had referenced her vagina. JN's sign had been hanging in the lobby of the local Planned Parenthood, but is now back with JN and is her latest piece of lawn art. We toasted to it this past weekend.

missed connections

I had a tough time getting to meetings today: two were booked for the same time, there was no Teams link for one, and the Teams link wouldn't work for another from my phone. I was at the vet's dropping Max off for his surgery for that one and couldn't troubleshoot. A less than ideal and embarrassing start to the week; but that's just how it goes sometimes.

I got lots of other prep work, grading, and editing done. Onward!

Here's that Nick Thune "Missed Connections" song for a giggle.

Pic: Sunrise over our street as I waited for Nu's schoolbus.

take it easy

Already slowing down as I promised myself. And taking it easy. Theme sound tracks courtesy The Eagles; and also from Kadhalan (I'm always trying to translate this song and its references for my kids).

UU this morning after many weeks... Big A came with me, Nu didn't. I guess that at nearly 16, they get to decide if they want to go services or not. I always swore I would let my kids decide what religious practices they wanted to adopt, and I guess I get to show I meant it. I'm grateful that they're happy to do all the culturally relevant stuff like rakhis or Diwali... for now, anyway.

Nia at UU was water-themed and lovely. Also lovely was being able to add drops from the sea at Pondycherry to the communal column of water. The quiet moments brought a lot of thoughts of Scout and tears. I wonder if being away from UU was less about Nu wanting to sleep in and more about me not being ready to sit in silence with my thoughts.

After months of forgoing massages, I think l've got a schedule set up with RR who can make house visits. I hope I honor this commitment of wellbeing, time, and $$ to myself. I'm remarkably low maintenance with hair (Supercuts) and products (drugstore) so splurging on massage makes sense in my head. 

 Pic: Max, Huck, Big A, Nu, and At. Dinner with the fam! I miss At the burly labor organizer, but love the new look too. I pulled my chair away from the table this time to get Huck and Max in the frame.

game on

Saturday is chore day around here, so after I watered and tended to the zillion (rough estimate) indoor plants, vacuumed, put away laundry, and cleaned, Big A and I set off for what we thought would be a long, chatty walk. 

If we'd been the least bit interested in American football, we'd have known that MSU had a home game today. After a summer of basically having all of campus to ourselves, we were startled to see a football stadium's worth of people pouring out of every street and building. I mean, it's their campus, not ours--but it didn't stop us from feeling somewhat affronted. Ha. 

And then I decamped to go do things with friends. As Nu hugged me goodbye as I was leaving, they dolefully asked if they were having dinner without me again (I got home late after student activities yesterday too). I felt momentarily guilty, but Nu and Big A take any evening I'm gone as a mandate to order junk food they love, so I know they actually have a great time. 

I had a great time with two sets of girlfriends too. 

Pic: We're pretending to be mannequins because we were all dressed up and there was this empty storefront. It's too bad the glare ruined the concept a bit, but I still love how fabulous the voluminous salwar suit my aunt gave me when I was in India looks. 

cool summer

Things I love RN:

* IYKYK: Current tube of mascara that's at the perfect level of sticky (not fresh-out-of-packaging watery or time-to-retire dry).

* FTW: Big bags of brussel sprouts--they're just mini cabbages, aren't they? They seem to never go moldy and that means I can find something fresh to slice into stir-fries or salads even the day before I absolutely need to grocery shop.

* JIC: This weird hack--lace undies about two sizes up. They look cool and are cooling--I loved post-partum mesh undies, and I love these. 

* TBH: The easy grading options on Canvas. I'm so current with grading right now. (And also so much love for my FYS students who are being real champs about transitioning to college.)

* FTW: Lavender oil--I'm using it for hands, face, hair, laundry, and bathroom counters. Also cookies.

* OMG: Officially, there're still two weeks of summer left!

Pic: Smores with students after the faculty meeting that went on until 5:30 today.

my busy-ness

All my teaching days feel long this semester, so I'm going to stop thinking/saying that because it's not helpful. It is super helpful that Big A (and Nu) have dinner ready and the table set by the time I walk in through the door though. 💗

I'm grateful for the vacation weekend and a super busy social weekend coming up, but it does make everything feel a little more breathless and non stop. I'm going to prioritize some quiet and relaxation next week. (Promises, promises.)

I finally started giving people the gifts I brought them back from India and I feel like such a September Santa. And I finally washed the suitcase of clothes from my India trip. For the record, I returned nearly a month ago--but at least the backlog is getting addressed? Also: I'm all caught up with early grading and I managed to tuck in a walk with JG (and even VV who joined us halfway) into today--so yay me?

Pic: I'd planned to use a pic of Max post his first haircut today, but Maya proposes and Max disposes and all that--so instead, here's a picture of Max back from his latest "project" in the backyard.