take it easy

Already slowing down as I promised myself. And taking it easy. Theme sound tracks courtesy The Eagles; and also from Kadhalan (I'm always trying to translate this song and its references for my kids).

UU this morning after many weeks... Big A came with me, Nu didn't. I guess that at nearly 16, they get to decide if they want to go services or not. I always swore I would let my kids decide what religious practices they wanted to adopt, and I guess I get to show I meant it. I'm grateful that they're happy to do all the culturally relevant stuff like rakhis or Diwali... for now, anyway.

Nia at UU was water-themed and lovely. Also lovely was being able to add drops from the sea at Pondycherry to the communal column of water. The quiet moments brought a lot of thoughts of Scout and tears. I wonder if being away from UU was less about Nu wanting to sleep in and more about me not being ready to sit in silence with my thoughts.

After months of forgoing massages, I think l've got a schedule set up with RR who can make house visits. I hope I honor this commitment of wellbeing, time, and $$ to myself. I'm remarkably low maintenance with hair (Supercuts) and products (drugstore) so splurging on massage makes sense in my head. 

 Pic: Max, Huck, Big A, Nu, and At. Dinner with the fam! I miss At the burly labor organizer, but love the new look too. I pulled my chair away from the table this time to get Huck and Max in the frame.

my busy-ness

All my teaching days feel long this semester, so I'm going to stop thinking/saying that because it's not helpful. It is super helpful that Big A (and Nu) have dinner ready and the table set by the time I walk in through the door though. 💗

I'm grateful for the vacation weekend and a super busy social weekend coming up, but it does make everything feel a little more breathless and non stop. I'm going to prioritize some quiet and relaxation next week. (Promises, promises.)

I finally started giving people the gifts I brought them back from India and I feel like such a September Santa. And I finally washed the suitcase of clothes from my India trip. For the record, I returned nearly a month ago--but at least the backlog is getting addressed? Also: I'm all caught up with early grading and I managed to tuck in a walk with JG (and even VV who joined us halfway) into today--so yay me?

Pic: I'd planned to use a pic of Max post his first haircut today, but Maya proposes and Max disposes and all that--so instead, here's a picture of Max back from his latest "project" in the backyard.

"but Murugesha, Murugesha; do you have a trunk?"

This is officially a crazy story. I hope to do it justice.

A month ago, my old advisor at Oxford posted a sweet photo of herself at the door of her office on the socials. It reminded me of all the times I'd shown up at that office excited about an idea or terrified about exams and seeing her open that same door with that same welcoming gesture. I "loved" it obviously. She mentioned that a visiting cousin had taken that photo and I asked her privately if that cousin was from my part of the world (the name didn't sound like it was from hers). The cousin was indeed from my part of the world, and my advisor mentioned that her husband's aunt had married a South Indian cricketeer named Murugesh. 

Now Murugesh is a fairly common name, but the first time I heard it was because the person succeeding my dad at this one position in Vizag four decades ago was named Murugesh. And the only reason I've remembered that was this: Murugesh and his family would soon be occupying the beautiful company house with a full house staff and fancy furniture after we left. There was one table though that had turned a bit rickety, and we had shoved a trunk under it to stabilize it... but of course we'd be taking that trunk with us when we moved away. My dad made up this song about all the stuff the new family would enjoy in the company house, the final line of the song was "but, Murugesha, Murugesha; do you have a trunk?" (For the rickety table, LOL.) It had a catchy tune and we thought it was hilarious and over the decades, we'd sing a snatch of that song and laugh when it came to "but Murugesha, Murugesha; do you have a trunk?"

Back to the present: I asked my dad if Murugesh had been a cricketeer; he had. I asked my advisor if her cousin's dad had worked in Vizag; he had. It was the same Murugesh! (My dad had added an extra syllable to M's name for some old-timey flavor.) And then a spate of emails via my advisor about memories of that house, neighbors, romances that had transpired between the new family and our old neighbors, and then sharing the famous (in our family) song. (And yes, it was summer, but my advisor is a very busy academic with talks to give and books being published and whatnot... she was so kind to facilitate this discussion.) And because I happened to be visiting my parents when my advisor was emailing back and forth about this, it gave us so many nostalgic things to recall and enjoy. 

When I was six years old, I did not know that I would connect with the protagonist of my dad's song over 40 years in the future...

Pic: I couldn't find a pic of Woodroffe House in Waltair Uplands. But this is a picture of Waltair Club home to many childhood shenanigans and whose verandah kinda looks like Woodroffe. 

yesterday's sunrise

sunrise 
frees the cynical coals flaring
in my heart
blesses the vermillion wounds 
of my soul
speeds  in a blessed contagion 
to forgive

the fragile futures I've outlived

-------------------

Pic: Yesterday's sunrise over Mackinaw Island bay. Water and celestial bodies make me so happy! The birds on the water are geese, not swans, but the scene reminded me of Yeats's "The Wild Swans at Coole."

Ugh! Anyway! Onward!

Yesterday, as I packed my toiletries for this trip, I was congratulating myself on my foolproof method (a dedicated travel case with sample sizes, adding stuff like medication, foundation, etc. in as I used it the morning of travel). While getting ready for bed last night, I discovered that I didn't have a single tube of toothpaste or sunscreen or anything as I'd left the whole thing sitting on the bathroom counter.  Pride goeth before a fall, indeed. (I was able to borrow generic toothpaste and blindingly white sunscreen from the fairer-skinned members of my family.)

I got a very nice walk in the early dark with Huck and Max and some lovely pictures at sunrise this morning. Then I woke up Nu and Big A and we got showers and breakfasts and got on the ferry and then on the road before things got too crowded. 

I kept seeing puppies in the clouds on our way home--someone told me that when that happened it was Scout coming to visit... it was certainly a sky full of Scout and his friends today. It's my Boss Day, and Scout always got so excited when people sang the Boss Day song, so it seems apropos. 

When we made the reservations for this trip back in March, we expected to travel with Scout. When I had that t-shirt made with Scout and Huck's pictures on it for Big A last Christmas, little did I know we wouldn't have Scout with us for the next one... How unpredictable life is... it's no wonder I've been having more anxiety attacks lately. Ugh! Anyway! Onward! (I should embroider this somewhere as my motto.)

Pic: On the ferry back from Mackinac Island. I like this picture, because I can see Big A and Nu and me... and also Huck and Max on the floor and Scout's picture on the edge of Big A's t-shirt. (Also, I feel like a shiny insect in these sunglasses. And also, I cut my hair myself just before school started and think I did a good job.)

"island in the sun"

Big A has biked over a hundred miles every day for the past four days, we're doing our part by waiting for him in at a resort on Mackinac Island.

A teensy labor day weekend vacation for us. We've sampled the requisite fudge and taffy, admired the gorgeous views, and smelled the horse poop (cars aren't allowed on the island, so horse-carriage taxis and drayage are the mode).

Vacations are good for everyone. I haven't seen Huck this excited and animated in a while; Max barfed in the car and is afraid of horses, boats, stairs, people who look at him the wrong way, etc. but enjoys each  adventure; Nu has dubbed this "horse-shit island" and has claimed they will never return here, but is full of jokes, confidences, and ideas. I owe an editor a bibliography, but I can find it tomorrow when we're back.

Pic: Lounging: A happy Huck, a mopsy Max, and a nonchalant Nu.

a DALMAC house

Big A is doing the DALMAC, the multi-day camping bike tour from Lansing to Mackinaw Island. He left yesterday, and the first stop on the tour is near the town where I teach. It's so silly, but we were SO EXCITED TO MEET at school this morning and I walked him to the water fountain so he could fill his water bottles. We hugged and held hands all the way and then kissed behind a pillar. 

There was practically no one around at 7:50 am, but in retrospect, this still seems silly. I have no idea why we're like this or when we're going to stop being silly and embarrassing.

Pic: A selfie Big A sent me at the start of the ride yesterday. I think he looks so much like his baby picture in this!

out and about

A service day with my new first year seminar class; youth advocacy will be the focus of our semester-long project. We got started today by getting on a school bus for a tour of the public school district, which incorporates very different neighborhoods from regular homes to mansions to farms to trailers to condos to... anything you can think of.

I learned that some students ride the bus for two hours to get to school!

And I saw a handmade poster that asked "Are you an American or are you a Democrat?" I'll be musing on that one for a while. It was close to a cluster of houses displaying the confederate flag--make of that what you will, I guess.

Pic: Our school district superintendent and my FYS class on the school bus.

crashing

Opening convocation today. The energy was a bit off without families in the stands, but clapping students into college life through a faculty gauntlet is still fun. 

Also a ton of meetings; I crashed hard at my seventh meeting of the day at 4:00 pm. I was so afraid I was going to fall asleep right at the conference table, I started to rearrange the stickers on my computer.

At came to dinner and when I was dropping them off at their place we got caught in a terrific thunderstorm: trees falling onto the road, tornado warning, the works. Visibility was so bad as the rain was just sheeting across the windshield--there was no way to tell where I was driving, if the river had flooded etc. And nowhere to pull over safely either.

Terrific crashes in our backyard too, I guess morning will show us the damage.

Pic: Before the storm--Nu, Big A, & At at dinner; Max and Huck are under the table. We're planning a trip to a state park for Big A's big birthday in two months!

so it's like that

India's Independence Day! 

This afternoon, after working diligently on syllabuses and stuff, I took a second SUV-load of stuff to the donation center--all the stuff from Big A's Milwaukee apartment. I hope someone else enjoys the nice toaster and placemats and towels and sheets and Apple TV stuff. Big A started his Michigan job while we were in India, and I'm so glad for us to be under the same roof now. And to be able to give away this stuff that was sitting in the garage.

I made a big pot of soup with turmeric, ginger, garlic, and tons of veggies because I wasn't feeling so good. In fact, I felt like I had when I was sick last week. Big A who had been incredulous that no one had given us a Covid test, gave me one... and... that MF-er lit right up. 

So we had Covid and gave it to other people. I feel so gross about that. We've been masking everywhere, since we got sick, so hopefully we've been able to limit the spread. I don't feel too sick, but I've been too upset about my public health fail to work. Have been watching Made in Heaven, my mom recommended it after we saw an ad for it on a billboard on our way to the airport.

And the Crumbl cookies I picked up because I was on that side of town gave Nu an allergic reaction. Whomp, whomp. Not a complete winner of a day, for sure. 

poyi-ostha

Back home, it's inauspicious to say you're leaving--you're supposed to say, "I'll go and come" (meaning I'm leaving now, but I'm coming back later). "Poyi-Ostha in Telugu; "poyitu-vaaren" in Tamil. Guess I've left and come back to one of my homes.

It felt so good to see Big A's dear face when he picked us up at the airport, such a shriek I did shriek. Max is huge and can now bark, Huck is her crazy-dainty self, everyone was just so excited to see each other. 

I've since watered the zillion plants; cleaned the things other people don't care/know to clean; unpacked our suitcases; refilled the hot tub; cleaned the tiled floors (the big vacuum is tomorrow); cleaned the space around Scout's memorial, etc. etc. I'm not sleepy in the least. Might read and/or do some laundry next. 

Pic: I brought some of the old vinyl records from my mom's collection back with me. She loves music and used to have shelves and shelves of records--now only a couple of suitcases since my parents moved in with my sister some years ago.  Some of the albums have numbers pasted on the corner: This is from when my mom organized them into genres and had my sister and me help by cutting numbers out of an old calendar (this was before home printers) to catalog them.

out...

Somehow I didn't sleep a wink last night. I guess my sleep schedule is officially fucked in every time zone. 

Anyway, I was up because At dowloaded the new Salman Rushdie--Victory City--on my phone and it mentions people and places I'm connected to (my dad's family claim to be descendants of Krishna Deva Raya's palaiyakars/poligars). I'm finding Rushdie's alternative retelling and the female protagonist spellbinding.

I did sleep for a few hours this morning after packing. When I woke up, I walked in on my mom and Nu watching Taylor Swift videos in the living room--it was adorable. Then it was a quick trip to the temple, delivering a small present for the flower-seller friend's toddler, calling everyone to say goodbye, and the beginning of saying goodbyes at home. Mom and dad rode with us to the airport although non passengers aren't allowed to enter the airport, and it was SO tough saying goodbye. I always thought Scout looked a bit like my dad, and my confused mind is really making a mess of things.

We're now through airport security (which was long, slow, and overly thorough) and at our gate at last. I pulled out my credit card for the first time on this trip when I tried to buy the kids a snack at Starbucks, but they wouldn't accept foreign credit cards (this is an international airport, so I'm mystified). 

Pic: At and Nu: the hungry and passed out edition.

doing better

Everyone's feeling better... 

Yay!

And just in time to travel back...

My kids and parents are quick (and so sweet) to reassure me that although things didn't go according to plan, they're really happy to have had so much time together. We've spent a lot of time watching movies, swapping playlists, and telling old stories these past few days. Not as raucous as when we first arrived, but nice in its own way. 

I wish we were being safer--as a better Maya said, when we know better we should do better--but we haven't been doing that.

Pic: A pic of Nu, mom, and At from my sis. Sis and I finally got some one-on-one time together and she encouraged me to come back without the kids next time. 😆

we could ride backward into memory

we could ride backward         into memory
meeting people      who were bad 
for us,      who        ruined weekends... 

ruined our lives         for nothing stays

illustrated  and  irrefutable,       we were chaste 

with  longing like       determined children

weeping          around a wedding cake

Pic: Near Gingee Fort last week.

got me good

We're those people now, leaving a swathe of sick people in our wake. After years of masking and being careful, I am so disappointed in myself. There are no OTC Covid tests to be had, and the doctor told me to "relax" when I asked for one (At laughed). 

Anyway. I'm sick now. Other people are, thankfully, on the mend. I suppose it's a good thing we already had such a great time, because this part sucks. 

Yesterday, before visiting the temple, I stopped at a street stall to get some flower garlands for an offering. They're made as always with fresh flowers and held together with knotted banana fiber. When I asked how much it cost (the unit of measurement is the span of the flower-seller's forearm),  she held up four fingers: I thought it was four rupees, but she meant forty. Everything is the same except for prices. We had a good laugh together.

Pic: Pushpa (her name translates as "flower") selling flower garlands by the temple. Photo with permission. (Bangalore) 

how could I live so far away?

how could I live so

far away?

I guess I didn't know 

I could

life is such a hard thing 

to chance

you can leave a place

and then find

it always stays on you 

like fine sand

And Ten Notes From Today: 

1. Mom, aunt, sis, and brother-in-law are sick; At and Nu appear to be recovering. I feel so conscience-stricken about my germy kids and worried about everyone else with a side of I told you guys to mask up when we were in the car together!
2. I may be developing misophonia... and also the bands of howling street dogs were... interesting the first couple of nights, but not anymore.
3. Big A has already neglected my flowering plants to death. But Huckie and Max are well loved, so I'll keep him.
4. Had to say goodbye to family who came up from Coimbatore and Chennai to hang out with us... I miss them already. 
5. Esp. VM and AA--seeing them wrap At and Nu in the same kind of unconditional love that saved me when I was a teen has been such a joy.
6. It's Monday, so we've had to stop partying all night. I haven't left the house all day.
7. I got so much cash on Amazon India gift cards, which I cannot use from the US, so I've ordered a ton of stuff and it remains to be seen if we'll receive it before our departure date.
8. A realization that I have a very special position in the family as the oldest grandchild/nibling--it's nothing about me, any ol' baby landing into this family just waiting to love on their big sister's baby would have done. I just happened to luck out big time.
9. The class I picked up as an overload due to a colleague's sudden departure was cancelled. Alleluia. I did it mostly out of a sense of duty--the extra cash would have been nice, but the extra time will be sweeter.
10. I had a Zoom meeting with my editor in NZ this morning. It was a fairly routine meeting, except when they sweetly said "you get to weave the web," I was taken aback because I heard it as "you get to wave the whip." Umm, no.

Pic: At's picture of me by the sea last week. (Pondycherry)

"my so-called vacation"

The title for today's post comes from At, who knows Nu and I have been watching My So-Called Life. TBH, for reasons I haven't yet unpacked, I never actually thought of this trip as a vacation at all. 

At is still sick and now (as of this evening) Nu is sick too with similar symptoms. My sis was able to order the antivirals for Nu online and it was delivered to our door in less than an hour. That part was impressive.

Two sick kids and two vulnerable grandparents in the same house = not so impressive. 

There was a get together for us at another aunt's house earlier today. At was unable to get out of bed, but Nu still seemed well at that point and I didn't want my aunt to feel totally disappointed, so Nu and I showed up with the rest of the family. But then we made our excuses to return home early so we could be with At. 

Nu really wanted to ride in an  auto-rickshaw, so we took one home by ourselves. And despite all the dire warnings, nothing terrible happened to us. TBH, one uncle, two aunts, two cousins, and my sister came to see us into the auto though. I love them all so, so much, but it's also a bit much.*

Pic: Nu and me in the auto-rickshaw being bratty and hamming it up. When I look back on this pic, I can kind of tell Nu is about to get sick too. (Bangalore)

 *I'd kind of forgotten how over-protective my family can be. I'm still getting frequent earfuls about how--on Friday--I took an auto-rickshaw someplace instead of calling home to let them know to send a car and driver for me. Like what? I'm so old and I've been out on my own in the world for so long! And I take public transport or drive myself. Anyway, I'm a fan of auto-rickshaws, especially because they're smaller than cars and can weave their way through Bangalore traffic better. 

living loud

When Big A texted at 10 past midnight to see if I was still up, I texted this picture of family waving back at him--it's only ten past midnight, everyone's still here! 

You won't find Nu in this picture because it's late and they'd had their fill of social interaction. 

And you won't find At in this picture because their fever had spiked and they're in bed after we went to the hospital earlier in the evening for a consult, tests, and antivirals. (There's a chance it could be dengue, although we haven't been bitten by a single mosquito, and of course it could be Covid--either of which could complicate things by a whole lot.)

I've had some lovely conversations with my dad on this trip thanks to his amazing new hearing aid. This morning he was telling me about a sib who died in infancy and their family dog who died from grief soon after (that's the family story, anyway), and I started to cry about Scout. My dad was upset about making me cry, but actually, it was such a relief to be able to do any of this--talk to my dad, talk about Scout, hear a story I've heard 10,000 times before, etc. 

Pic: Part of my loud and lovely family. The sheet of paper in VM's hand is a blueprint for the big family reunion being planned for next year. (Bangalore)

here we are...

Altogether!
 

We always talk late into the night and wake up at dawn; there's always jokes, and teasing, and stories we've all heard a ton of times and laughing a lot for no good reason. 

And it's about being so looked after that people will do things that might seem silly. My aunt was worried that the cooks would absent-mindedly use mustard (At is allergic) that she took all the mustard out of the kitchen and put it all in her bedroom! Of course, we kept teasing her about it all day.

Pic: Dad, At, me, AA, VM, Nu, mom, and sis. 

I'm in a formal saree because I'm headed off to give a talk at Stella Maris, my undergraduate college in Chennai!  At is a bit under the weather today (hence the mask).

a happy place...

Reunited with #1 favorite uncle! 

These three people I love so much, the sunset over the sea, and the family's little Ganesha temple make this a picture I will keep coming back to...

Pic: Nu, VM, and At at VM's place in Pondycherry. It always looks the same...

#LaterPost