Friday, December 08, 2023
"praying for peace/living with love"
Wednesday, December 06, 2023
another love poem
until we look alike
Tuesday, December 05, 2023
AJLT
And just like that, it's exam week: I wish I could tell my student people to take deep breaths. Lots of last-minute anxiety, so the days are long, but overall a sense of satisfaction and good endings.
It was the kind of day where I constantly pivoted like a dancer: from sharing the first years' sense of accomplishment in the morning (their first semester at college down, look at the posters they made!) to making notes as students presented on projects they've been working on for six weeks (and marveling at their insights and how skilled they are at encouraging each other!) to a discussion with the college's board of trustees in the early evening (just the department chair and me, we thought it went well).
That last task reminded me that someone put me on a list of nominees for the MSU board of trustees. When I demurred, EM said (referring to the spate of Title IX missteps at MSU since Larry Nassar) I was totally worthy because at the very least I wouldn't sexually harass anyone. Well, in that case...
Pic: Amaryllis are blooming in my tea garden. Time to go start the narcissi so they'll be in bloom by Christmas (I say, hopefully).
Monday, December 04, 2023
Five-year-old me
What would my childhood self think about grownup me?
I've been thinking about it since Nance mentioned that she keeps her kindergarten picture on her dresser to remind her "of the little girl who wanted to be a teacher and a mom. I look at her often and think about how so many of her dreams came true and then some. It helps me stay grateful."
I'm five in this picture, and my favorite thing was to line up my sister, our ayah, and the dolls in my playroom to play school--with me as the teacher. So I think five-year-old me would be thrilled that I grew up to be a teacher and tickled to know I have kids and puppies of my own--I think they'd find that part really hilarious. Back then, the expectation to be "good" was intense--I wonder what five-year-old me would think of my daily quest to be a better person, to keep learning... When I was little, I was always afraid of being orphaned (I read too much even back then), so I wish I'd known my parents would know their grandkids...
Like Nance, I too am grateful that so many of my dreams have come true--even dreams I did not yet know to have for myself. I can see myself at ten or eleven lying on the terrace looking up at planes and wondering (not even wishing, really) *if* I would have a job, if I would fly on a plane (only my parents had flown at this point), and if anyone would fall in love with me.
Pic: An old B&W portrait of my family (dad, sis, mom, me). I remember so clearly that my dress was a very pale pink and white with a soft collar and square white buttons with a pink inlay; my sister's dress was a hand-me-down from me, it had been a favorite until I grew out of it--I called it the "peacock frock" because it cascaded in overlapping "feathers" and had a deep blue embroidered motif on each. I'm pretty sure my mom's organza sari is orange with white polka dots. When the square belt buckle (buttons and buckle were all purely decorative) on my dress fell off, I used it as a tool at my art table to scrape excess crayon off the paper and even out the colors. I wore a school uniform to school, and "play" clothes at home; I had a very small collection of "fancy" clothes to wear to parties, the club, and so on and I remember most of them quite fondly. My sister was wearing a corrective leg brace at that point, which is why my parents are holding her hands on either side. No one is holding my hand... I wonder what I seem so pleased about... Wow. I did not expect to remember so much. And look at my HAIRY forehead!! lolFriday, December 01, 2023
Last day of classes, first holiday party
Last day of classes, first holiday party.
It's that time of the year when faculty colleagues, admin, staff, community members are celebrating in the same room. I wore my Christmas tree earrings.
Pic: "The Scots on the Rocks" are singing "We Three Kings" here. They prefaced the carol with the James Bond theme--cute.
Later, they sang "Last Christmas" and a non rape-y version of "Baby it's Cold Outside" both of which Nicole had recently mentioned as being favorites!
Thursday, November 30, 2023
"it's that little souvenir of a terrible year/which makes my eyes feel sore"
But I was at the store getting personal hygiene products for my students' community service project and this snow globe called out to me. Scout loved Christmas... and I like how this one makes it as though Scout is getting a visit with Santa this year too.
It plays "We wish you a merry Christmas" and I never wind it up all the way, so it plays really slowly and sounds super sad. Like those songs which do double duty with an upbeat happy version and a slower sad version. "Que sera, sera" in The Man Who Knew Too Much is the only example I can think of right now... It's a really big thing in Bollywood films, something the kids love to parody with basically any song.
Anyway...
It's the first Christmassy thing I've set out this year.
(Big A and I still tear up every day/every other day when we talk about Scout, who took so much of my heart with him. Does anyone have the timeline for when things will get better?)
Wednesday, November 29, 2023
snake sandwiches and puppy scuffles
They kindly shared this information with the rest of the committee.
Then the "jokes" started. What do those snakes eat? Well, they don't know about Maya yet. What are we ordering for dinner tomorrow? How about some snake sandwiches? And so on and so on. I'm glad I brought some levity to a work meeting that went on until past 7 pm.
Snake sandwiches. Shudder.
Pic: (1) Max, (2) a previously-loved stuffie now being used as a chew/tug toy, (3) Huck, and (4) Big A on the floor by my feet as I graded. I can barely tell where Huck ends and the stuffie begins.
Tuesday, November 28, 2023
"I'm a weirdo"
“The Drifting”
on nights like this I think
I have not given as much as I could.
the wind roars and then is gone.
that is what it does.
they give themselves utterly, and move on.
Tuesday, November 21, 2023
Fierce
Things I do not control: A text informs me of an armed robbery a few blocks away, news of a shooting at a superstore close to where we used to live and where MIL still lives, L tells me she was friends with the MSU student who died in Gaza.
I'm going to take the next two days off to loaf and read and cook and eat and laze and hang out with my people. I shall loaf and invite my soul.
Pic: Max and Hucky celebrating with an impromptu tussle at my feet.
Sunday, November 19, 2023
falling back
Friday, November 17, 2023
messy
I have a Pollyanna-ish streak, so I keep thinking things will get better; also--I have privilege guilt, so I think things could be so much worse. And I have friends across every spectrum and I keep a lot of things unsaid for fear of hurting their feelings.
Unfortunately the events of the past month are bubbling up to the surface... of my skin. I'm all stress-induced cystic acne and anxiety hives so bad, I'll think of uncomfortable conversations and then just spontaneously erupt. This morning I woke up with scratches on my throat--probably from clawing myself in my sleep. I'm a mess. I feel SO bad about myself.
I'm glad I finally told my oldest friend SD that I disagreed with them and we went back and forth over text for a while and finally realized we'd never agree. And then they texted: "I love you no matter what." So thankfully, there's that. And yet, I could imagine my kids, who are more radical than I am, scoffing at SD's love and saying the love of someone with those kinds of beliefs shouldn't matter to me.
But it does. But also, I'm a mess. Follow me for more tips.
Wednesday, November 15, 2023
hybridity
It also solved the problem of what I'd be making for dinner: I made a white bean chili with rice.
Apparently that's what happens when you add leftover veggie pulao and rajma in a pot with fresh tomatoes and spinach and the jalapeno-elote appetizers you served over the weekend. After Nu and Big A had remarked on how tasty it was, I told them the alternate name for it was Diwali leftovers soup! Suckers! They didn't see that coming!
Pic: Geese and ducks on the Red Cedar. Shouldn't they already be headed somewhere else for the winter?
Tuesday, November 14, 2023
plaid power
Monday, November 13, 2023
"Talk Me To Sleep"
Friday, November 10, 2023
grateful for work friends
2) KO for making me tear up. They left this note at my office door that says, ""Dear Maya, Everything is terrible & it's dark at 4 pm & winter is coming BUT you continue to be your kind, patient, empathetic & vulnerable self. You make a difference to so many including me! Thank you..."
3) AK for our long chat, and taking the Inter-Library-Loan book I need to copy off my to-do list and also... really getting me. What did KO mean when they said I'm being my "vulnerable self," I asked. Did I make a fool of myself on some committee? And AK said--"Yeah, I would want to know what that was too!"
4) CN for a hallway update on all the shitty stuff students have been doing on campus. I'm going to have to have a talk with some RAs and coaches.
5) CW and KPB who are kind to me all the time, but especially grateful to them this week for being so welcoming and willing to give rides to international students to get them here on Sunday.
Pic: KO's "Yas Queen" note!
Wednesday, November 08, 2023
weekday blur
I didn't get to throw big parties for Big A's 50th or Nu's 16th or really celebrate puja or Halloween in October as I wanted to--so I decided on Sunday morning that we absolutely must have a big Diwali party this weekend.
By Sunday night, invitations had gone out, favors had been ordered, and the menu was finalized. It helps that Diwali seems to have gone mainstream lately, so I was able to find cute things like Diwali-themed photo booth accessories and treat bags. I guess we're doing this :)!
Today was busier than most Wednesdays as the first-years were registering for next term and there were some emergency meetings and emails on top of my regular schedule. Thankfully, I did manage to snatch an hour for a walk, but at the end of the day, I was really frayed and tired. I did like finding out my "Gender and Popular Culture" course was oversubscribed and has a waiting list though.
Pic: Max's tail is a blur as is Big A's hand. I took this picture to document how Max sleeps on his back as though he's human; Huckie is wedged between my feet and the side of the couch in a slightly more normal way. Please excuse the strange blue cast to everything, the overhead lights are set on some setting called "under the sea" or something.Friday, November 03, 2023
"bread and roses"
Between my morning meetings and the faculty meetings in the afternoon, I raced to the picket line at At's work, which was sponsored by the Teamsters. It has been well over a year since At and their team won their historic unionization, but they are yet to win their contract.
It wasn't a very big crowd at the picket line--but it was lively. I reconnected with SN, an old student and friend, and the Teamsters regaled me with compliments about At.
My favorite story though was the one about one of the Teamster's once eight-year-old who would race out to meet FedEx delivery people with her mom's business card to encourage them to organize so they too could enjoy pay raises like UPS workers (who are famously with the Teamsters). Adorbs!
I found myself humming "Bread and Roses"--one of my favorite versions is the one featured in Pride (2014), that quirky, plucky, cross-cultural solidarity movie.Pic: Supporters on the picket line outside At's place of work.
Tuesday, October 31, 2023
Hall-UGH-ween
Sunday, October 29, 2023
Back!
Positive: Big A picked me up at the airport this morning and I am reunited with my people, puppies, and plants. I missed them! (The first day away was glorious though.)
Negative: On Friday, I finally ID-ed why I was beginning to feel anxious in my hotel room--the last time I was at a conference (late March-early April), Scout had suddenly (or so it seemed) become very sick. The beige of hotel rooms will forever be a trigger to that horror.
Positive: I took a walk to say hello the river, and it looks like the new eastward bridge is open! I'm very excited for this. I'm saving this walk for when I can go with Big A or L.
Negative: Between being out of town on Big A's birthday weekend and this NWSA weekend, I've missed every Halloween gathering in our town--I should find a way to make class extra scary on Tuesday.
Pic: The bridge is open! The bridge is open!
skin, hair, fur
Every night before he leaves for work, Big A has taken to reminding me to let go my feelings of overhwhelm and weltschmerz and focus on the ...

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At had us pose for this pic up at Aunt R's place on Lake Huron so he could put it up in his dorm. "Don't tur...
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Friends and old neighbors shutting it down in honor of John Crawford. _
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