"Ammu, feeling vomitty"

Strong nausea all day yesterday, even through our anniversary dinner and I got through it all without spoiling it for Big A. But I was so bewildered by the timing of it, because no one else at home had it, and I was otherwise fine etc. 

Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)

And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.

Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her. 

"I am lucky to wake up and meet you today"

I don't want to jinx it, but I just have the nicest encounters in Greece. 

The first time I was here (by myself in 2019), my taxi driver in Athens was so excited to find out that I was traveling to Olympia the next day. He said that he was from Olympia and that I should go to the cafe right by the museum and let them know that Giorgos had sent me to say hello and that they would take care of me. In some places this would have been a prank, but he was so earnest and insistent, that I did indeed (diffidently) stop by the cafe the next day.

When I told the barkeep that Giorgos had sent me, he stopped what he was doing, and announced it to the whole cafe, and then everyone proceeded to cheer and drink to my health. The more I think about this, the more likely it seems that they may not have known who Giorgos was (and it's just George in Greek, so such a popular name too), but did not want me to feel stupid.

Today when I wandered off to find a cash machine (as the monasteries in Meteora don't accept cards), the woman whose shop the ATM was at, made such a fuss of me. "I am lucky to wake up and meet you today," she said after she gave me a small bag of cherries to share with Big A and Nu. 

Hospitality and unlooked for kindness every where I see here. 

I think often also of that 2018 Joanna Kakissis story on NPR where she talked about how her Greek family in Lesbos was trying to help Syrian and other refugees coming in across the Mediterranean as "the rest of the E.U. won't take them." 

Ancient Greek history has so much war, but all that's left now is the legendary Greek hospitality.

Pic: I'm up on a ledge, with an Omen-like sunbeam slicing me. But then, I have monasteries perched to my right and left. #Greece

I dream of the Aegean

Somehow, it's suddenly June 5th, and I'm on the cusp of the conference in Athens with E.M.

And somehow, Big A and Nu are going with me too. None of them have been to Greece before, and E.M. and Nu love Greek mythology, and Big A loves me, and I can't wait to show off one of my favorite places in the world to all these loves. 

We leave tomorrow. Ten days in a hotel room might be too much, so for the first time, I've rented a VRBO for us. I hope it's a good experience. I spied Ursula K. Guin on the bookshelves in the online pictures, so I'm taking that as an excellent sign.

Pic: The Aegean Sea from Cape Sounion when I was there with my Chelli two years ago.  #Greece

awards all day

Gratiot County CASA Awards Luncheon in the afternoon, where they very kindly gave me another award... I'm both moved by the acknowledgement, and self-conscious--I'm just doing my little bit! In the last two years, I've received three awards for CASA work. For someone like me, it's a lot to hear people say stuff about me, make an acceptance speech, etc. The real heroes are the children, IMO.

And in the evening, we were guests of CD and JD at the Refugee Development Center gala for a tour of the new facilities and the ribbon cutting. Big A could see my immediate impulse was to give up everything and devote all my time to teaching refugees English language skills, and began counseling prudence. I'm going to volunteer over the summer, at any rate. The testimonies from the kids brought me to HAPPY tears over and over again. Among the awardees for good citizenship were a pair of third graders--one giggly, one serious, a ninth grader from Chad who dressed up for the occasion in a suit, and a high-schooler who shouted out all the suffering countries including Palestine, Iran, and Lebanon. 

Pic: The actual ribbon cutting. It was so fun to see people from different spheres of my life up there--church friends, legislators, our family physician's spouse, colleagues, etc.

Eight decades of awesome

It's Amma's 80th birthday today. I spent quite a long time at the temple. My sister made her a mango cake, I made her a kulfi with pistachios, cardamom, and rosewater. For the past couple of years in the lead up to this big birthday, she'd been joking that I would not make it home for her 80th birthday celebration as I had done for my Dad's 80th. She would set me up, teasing me about loving dad more than her--just so I'd profess my love for her above all else and promise to be there with her today. This turned out to be such a not-funny joke. 

For my dad's 80th, I flew to Bangalore to surprise my parents. My mom was also on her way back to Bangalore after visiting my sister who was on assignment in Amsterdam. And... BY SOME AMAZING TWIST OF SERENDIPITY, we were both booked on the *same* flight from Frankfurt to Bangalore on the second leg of our respective journeys . I called the airline and arranged to sit next to her, and I started to moo like a cow (one of our silly joke things) as she approached the row... SHE WAS SO BOWLED OVER when she found me! This picture is us reunited on that plane; She looks a bit dazed from the surprise and has her hand wrapped so tight around my upper arm... What I wouldn't give...

medium to intense

DV had given me a gift certificate to Moriah the Medium in September... I felt ready to use it today.  

I set up for our Zoom appointment in the same place where mom and I had taken our last photos together and showed up alone, because I didn't want anyone else's overly rational energy around. I'm not sure I could completely turn off my own rational mind either. As it was, I wondered if I was being told what I wanted to hear--that she was at peace, is always proud of me, and always loves me. 

But then, she said also that my mom is worried that I haven't been as social as I used to be and why haven't I been doing the things I love--like walking by the water by myself and writing. That took me by surprise, because those last two things seemed fairly specific to me, and also true.

I took myself off on a long walk as soon as we got off the call. I was told swans would be a sign from my mother. Mom frequently mistook geese for swans, and we now have geese year-round, so I guess I'm in luck. She said nothing about Scout whose third anniversary was yesterday.

Pic: Redbuds in bloom by The Red Cedar; the floods have receded.

back in a mandala

If I started something new and started looking for results, my mom would often tell me to stick with it for at least 40 days. Because that's how long a mandala--a full cycle of human physiology--is in Ayurvedic practice. 

I've been away from journaling here for over 40 days. I don't know if I'm any different than 40 days ago. 

I didn't mean to stay away. I was very sad and extremely busy. 

I'm still very sad, but am way less busy.

It has been half a year since we lost mom... 

The nausea that went away has begun to return again... 

Because May is coming and it bears her birthday and Mother's Day.

We should prepare ourselves for May, my sister said. 

Yes, of course. But how?

visiting

A video call with dad and sis this evening. I was kind of saying goodbye as I don't know what the internet situation will be like next week. It was so centering to see them.... To hear my sister tell me that I should have a conversation with mom when I wake up on my birthday.

Can I just say how kind everyone has been?!? "Unfailingly" is the word that comes to mind. Family and friends. My community. They have helped me keep the important things going even when other things fell away. 

Steph recently noted that I don't seem to be out walking much, and that is so true! I rarely seem to venture out unless it is with someone. That's a far cry from most times in my life and I hope I'll go back to craving my own company.  

But also the kindness of everyone who stops by! I think often of Jenny's calendar of grief. And I've saved so many comments of comfort and reassurance in an email file that I open up to reread often. I read Jeanie's when I don't have faith in myself because she seems to and seems to know so much that I don't. So it was a treat to get to spend teatime with her.

Pic: The fabulous Jeanie with Max and Huckie!

"I trust"

Thanks to J and Big A, I started the day with a yoga practice that urged me to trust the journey.

I'm trying.

One of the things I think about a lot as my birthday approaches is how this will be the first time I'm here without her in this body she gave me.

At the pow-wow this afternoon with LB and EM, as I watched the dancers in competition completely lose themselves, it made me want to tie my bharatanatyam ankle bells on and whirl until my feelings centrifuge away. 

I love this meme by "Notorious Cree" where they play the "wrong Indian music," (i.e. my kind of Indian) but dance anyway.

Pic: One of the Ojibwe dancers today.  

the unwrapping/unraveling

I'm so grateful for your kindnesses. 

Sorry for being such a whiny ass B yesterday. In my defense, it was a lot at once. A reset is in order.

In the great Christmas unwrapping, my favorites were the book plates so I can really pretend (ha) to be a librarian, and a rainbow maker (it was a "nostalgia present" because I'd given At one when she was a kid and ended up enjoying it more than At had).

At, Nu, and I opened up Amma's suitcase before our Christmas afternoon nap. I'd brought that suitcase back from Bangalore in September and left it in the garage.When we brought it in this week... I realized it was locked... and I had no idea where I had put the key. I remember threading it through the ring of a purse but that was many moons ago, and I don't remember which purse that was. We ended up breaking the (tiny) lock with a hammer. I have saris for a lifetime. The kids didn't want a thing. 

Another thing to unwrap arrived right before Christmas, but I didn't have time until after... Final proofs of the book! The previous proofs looked like a Word document. This one looks like a book! I dedicated the book to Amma.

Pic: I've been giving myself lots of extra time for things since September, and have not been too tough on myself. But I plan to reset starting Monday so I can go into the new year with a fresh mindset. I"m not sure this resolution generator here is it :), but I have a few ideas. 

the unopened suitcase

12/11 UPDATE:

Friends, you're all so, so kind holding me in your thoughts and figuratively holding my hand over the distance in this. I wimped out + ran out of time and the suitcase remains unopened in the garage. 

Perhaps it's something I'll do when the kids are here over the holidays? I won't be doing it alone, and they'll get to choose what they want to keep before I give things away.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

That heavy suitcase of mom's things I brought back from India remains unopened. 

In the garage. 

I'm meeting PRS at the end of the week, and I want to give her some of mom's things, so I will have to open that suitcase this week.

I've forgotten what it is that I deemed so precious that I felt I absolutely had to bring with me.

I suspect I'll open it to reveal just things (my mom was very fond of things).

It'll remind me again that my mom wasn't done with life. I've met lots of people, even people my age, who would be content to leave the world. But although mom was in her 80th year, she was so enthusiastic about everything. She wanted to travel to so many more places, kept making new friends, kept buying and wearing all the expensive stuff and looking fabulous...

When I open that suitcase it will remind me that all this is is just unworn clothes and jewelry from her closets. 

What if it's all paltry rather than precious. 

time zones

another day rolls over 

into tomorrow

I wake, roll over in bed 

reach for my phone

                                            wondering if my mother 

                                             texted me in the night--

                                             it happens a lot as we're

                                             in different time zones 

                                             

then the screen flickers    

my brain reboots

and the past three months

come charging back

                                             and I... remember why 

                                             she doesn't text

                                             and why she can't call

                                             still most days 

I will catch myself 

"saving things" 

for our nightly chats 

although she died 

                                            nearly three months ago...

                                            but when I listen  

                                            to her old voicemails

                                            her voice starlit

gathering warmth and love

I wonder what if 

what if

what if

the past is just another kind 

of time zone

__________________

Pic: Nu's pic of me, Max, and Huck napping. I guess I'm happy when I'm asleep? I love how Max sticks his tongue out when he's happy. (The plates of half-eaten food everywhere are Nu's thing while they're home on Thanksgiving break.)

nice day for...*

Today was a nice day for an "Alternative Break." I'd always promised myself that I'd go on these service breaks with a group from the college when I was an empty nester.

It felt very therapeutic to throw myself into using my body to lug things to fill two forty-foot dumpsters for the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. I thought a lot of the stuff that went to the landfill today could be reused, but the people at the store had already had it for a while and needed to make room. They know what's best for them, so I just did what I was asked to do.

At lunch, one of the students referred to my recent India trip and asked how I was doing. I hadn't mentioned anything to this group, so I asked how they knew. Turns out they know a student in one of my classes. I wonder if I've been a little "off" for that student to mention it to other people.

Also, I met a volunteer at the store who had been in the Peace Corps in the 1960s (and she's still volunteering!). She'd served in India so we talked a while about all the ways in which things have changed (not for the better). She said she'd just read and loved the new Kiran Desai The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny, which I'd planned to read, because I loved Desai's last novel (was it really nearly 20 years ago?). So I came home and started on that right away.

Pic: A brilliant sky and the practical backlot at the Habitat gig today.

*I can't hear "nice day for..." without Billy Idol snarling "White Wedding" in my head every time!

celebrate good times

It's my dad's birthday in India... I'm there in every way except in person... And in the meantime, over here, I'm celebrating with JL, DV, and EM, whose birthdays are this week.

When I dropped something off for Nu this afternoon, they wanted to take me out to lunch* and then we kept talking, talking, talking until it was four hours later and I had to reluctantly say I had to go. (* They wanted to take me out to lunch, but the bookstore where we ended up did not take their college "munch money," and I insisted on paying so they said they'd take me out another time. I didn't plan it that way, but this means we'll get to hang out again soon. I'm feeling fairly Machiavellian and celebrating this too.)

Pic: Birthday morning pic of dad, sis, mom. All the hearts. 

Mixed, Mad, Mellow

Mixed: Back on campus for a full day of Fall conference today. It's delightful to see everyone after a summer of being away. And every year I find myself missing people who aren't here. Some of them are happily retired, some resigned unhappily, some moved on to other places, + a significant number of jobs were cut last December. There were a few absences today that were unexpected and I don't know if they're gone, are quiet-quitting, or just playing hooky. 

Mad: I'm upset that the funds I wired via Western Union in a hurry to help with my mom's medical bills last week were put on a hold. They didn't bother to tell me until I called them and then asked me a bunch of annoying questions to "protect me from scammers." You know what seems like a scam to me? Quietly sitting on my money for over a week when you promised it would be transferred in 15 minutes. I chose Western Union over a bank transfer precisely because it's supposed to be available in a matter minutes rather than days, but here we are ten days later. Ugh.

Pic: Mellow: An ice cream treat with Huck and Max. I get the chocolate part; they get the vanilla.

going back where I came from

I could  lose  myself 

in much lonelier ways 

wandering on between 

no and now and nowhere

but then you tell me to go 

back where I came from 

I understand your animus

curled tight like my fist  

but I pretend confusion

& enact comic indecision:

all the way back to heaven
or just up my mom's vagina?

________________________________

Pic: Baker Woods looking magnificent. Walk with L.

"hungry heart"

First things first: My mom is out of the ICU! She was even up for a FaceTime this morning. I'm not sure what her recovery looks like, but I'm so glad we can begin it. 

Big A is still not OK. I'm beginning to feel a bit worried because we're no closer to answers than we were when it started. He's scheduled for a few days off, and I hope he manages to shake it off.

Okay. Confession time: I used to come here to jabber journal-style to myself, but now I know so many lovely people here--I didn't want to keep posting bad news day and after day and stressing people out. So I wrote my little notes to myself, but didn't hit publish until today. I hope that's ok. Also, I'm so behind on reading everyone's posts and responding to comments... I'll get on that... tomorrow...

As it is, so many of you reached out to check in on me. Thank you. Even Engie who's had such a shitty stressful month and is finally on vacation with her bestie! I straight out refused to give her any sad updates.

Pic: If you squint, one of my strawberries looks heart-shaped!

"unbecoming"

Stuck in a holding pattern today... Amma is stuck in the ICU (she hates it there because she loves company and is currently only allowed one visitor at a time twice a day); Big A is still holed up in the guest room with his road rash and his high fever.

I had to get out of the the house today. 

I said a fond and proud goodbye to TP, who's leaving Lansing to take up a tenure-track position at Bradley University.* I've known TP since they were a baby scholar and now they have a book out with Rutgers! (*I kept thinking Bradley sounded awfully familiar and only later did I realize it's because that's Sarah's [and Ben's?] alma mater!)

I had to attend a screening of my colleague SS's film Did You Guys Eat at the Broad Museum.

I had to take Max to a vet appointment. (Big A was supposed to, but clearly couldn't).

And then EM picked me up to take me to a "mental-health dinner" at Brody Cafeteria where I ate for the first time today, so I ate three plates of food and three desserts.

Pic: While at The Broad, I checked out Diana Al-Hadid's exhibit "Unbecoming" which plays on the concept of "unbecoming" as unraveling and also (when applied to women) as inappropriate. This particular piece was titled "Medusa." 

telling everyone I know

I usually don't post very much on FaceBook... But I needed everyone I knew to pull for my mom...

and they really came through.

That's the thing I have to love about Facebook, when you need people, everyone from your fifth-grade best friend to the newly-appointed president of your college shows up for you. 

I'm so grateful for everyone's well wishes, I hope they work for my Amma. 

Pic: Screen-grab from my FB post today

Wonder Women

Thank you for the well wishes. Mom is doing better. If she continues to be stable, they'll move her out of the ICU tomorrow. My seventy-nine-year-old mom has chronic heart and lung problems, but as Big A said, she's living to fight another day. 

I nearly died every time the phone rang today, imagining the worst. One branch in my brain's flowchart was already making arrangements to travel to Bangalore. Simultaneously, another branch was completely certain that everything would be alright, how could the world go on without Amma?

I know the day is coming for me, for all of us, and especially people my age. Just this week, I've had friends describe parents as "actively dying" and witnessed (on Facebook) friends whose last parent died describe how it's never old to feel like an orphan. They were not ready. I know I'm not ready. I doubt anyone ever is. 

Anyway, because my sister and I were constantly texting yesterday, I took some strength in thinking of ourselves as Wonder Women. Our group chat name plays with this theme--it's called "Wanda Women" since one of our family names is Wandawasi. 

Pic: Top--our "Wanda Women" Profile photo; Bottom--the photo Big A took the morning they left. Nu is a bonus presence in both.