my assumptive world order

I think this photo is from when At committed to Alma, and everyone dressed up in college gear to celebrate. I miss when my parents used to live with us for half the year (I miss when my mom was alive).
 

FB is going to be killing me softly for evermore with memories, I guess.

It's ok; I can take it. I'm glad there were happy times. I'm smiling back at these loved faces.

I can't imagine a world without these loves in whatever physical or spiritual form they are and how lucky am I to always have some part of them. 

Wherever you are I want to find you and talk to you

From "Nightfall" by Jeannie Vanasco

"Are you in the autumn-wood air that rises from the lake?

How was your summer, how is your autumn?

Are there seasons where you are? I have often thought of this.

Here the rain comes and dark strips of land lighten. I cannot explain it. You must see it for yourself.

This evening the sky feels as big as silence, as big as the silence between us, not disquieting but dissolving the day into long threads.

Clouds pass by and by nightfall all thoughts of you pour back into my hands and the rain is pouring now.

Are you thinking of me? I am thinking of you. What strength I give away comes back again. I have already forgotten what to do with it."

__________

Pic: Commute pic... Sunset, farmland, alone-ness. 

training days

(she said)

dancing, the floors churned

under our feet

fists beating time as lustily

as our stomps

open throats, closed eyes

ecstasy and trust

the sudden arrival of a parent

a call to attention

_______________

Pic: Maple River Sunset

finally, willing to say

I think of all the people I know who lost their parents too early...

or all the kids in Gaza and elsewhere whose wails sound like my own, except they are two and three and five and don't even have enough memories

or I think of people like Diane Keaton and Dolly Parton who died last year, the same age as my mom, rich women, in the first world, who did not even put their bodies through childbirth, and I think ok...

perhaps we had a good run after all... she hated medicalization and did not want to be an invalid, and the end was so sudden, it would have been painless (BigA explained that during a stroke, the CO2 in the brain basically acts as a pain suppressant). We were happy together, our last words were "Love you," what more could I ask? (More time.)

______________________

Pic: A balancing act. Red Cedar walk by myself.
 

the body's calendar

It can't be a coincidence that Chelli and I have been so sick this week, is it? Tomorrow will be a whole year since mom's Kariyalu ceremony.

The body keeps the score and all that...

I first noticed that when Scout died I'd feel extra sad, tired, or achy around the 24th or close to the big dates and anniversaries... Even before my brain could figure out the significance of the date, my body was already experiencing a wave of grief.

Pic: New growth in the woods out front.

two moments...

 

I spent such a beautiful lifetime in these arms... 

Pics: First photo together, last photo together

unseasonal

because when we lost her 

autumn had just begun...
I waited for her all spring 

Pic: Vinca everywhere

heartbreaker

My sister is extra kind and worries about me being "all alone." She is surrounded by uncles and aunts (some of whom spent the day with her yesterday), so I know what she means.

To cheer me up, she sent me this photo writing, "So, so happy you made her..." It made me cry immediately. 

I don't think I have this photo framed anywhere because my mom's bald patch is showing, our faces have weird folds, our hair is messy, and our eyes are unfocussed... but look how unguarded our joy and delight... what a an absolute treasure to remember this moment.

in memoriam

This ad was in the Yellow Springs News two weeks ago, and the event was a whole week ago, and my point is... 

that between the big CASA award, the book coming out, and the book tour, this could have been a happy year for me, but instead I have these huge gaps in time and memory...

I have no idea how I got through the last year, and I'm not sure how I can get through--or to plan to get through--the next and the one after that...

Worse, I worry that people have been granting me some kind of grief dispensation and will expect me to be more normal when my year of grieving is over. So I may have even less margin to work with.

I can sense, for instance, about Big A a feeling of frustration/desperation/impatience, which I know comes from love and is couched in all the right phrases, but is nevertheless eager for me to be me. But I will never be that person again. 

Tennyson talks about the veil between life and death in In Memoriam--I think the veil extends to the people we were before and after loss as well.

I wish I had more patience...

Big A and I worked on dredging the pond all day and he thinks (correctly) that we should let things dry before we repair, but I want to just go ahead and refill it up already.

I typed up a response to the Whistler text book club after dinner, but it seemed too late to text. I'm mentally hopping from foot to foot, waiting for it to be mid morning so we can unpack more delicious details.

The mango pickle I started (based on memories and vibes of my grandmother's) needs time to cure, but I keep opening the jar for just a little sniff.

The submissions to the project with EM are beginning to come in, and I love everything and just want to tell every author their submission is accepted although that won't be feasible.

Pic: Max adores Nu. I mean, he loves watermelon, but Nu, he just worships.

"Ammu, feeling vomitty"

Strong nausea all day yesterday, even through our anniversary dinner and I got through it all without spoiling it for Big A. But I was so bewildered by the timing of it, because no one else at home had it, and I was otherwise fine etc. 

Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)

And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.

Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her. 

"I am lucky to wake up and meet you today"

I don't want to jinx it, but I just have the nicest encounters in Greece. 

The first time I was here (by myself in 2019), my taxi driver in Athens was so excited to find out that I was traveling to Olympia the next day. He said that he was from Olympia and that I should go to the cafe right by the museum and let them know that Giorgos had sent me to say hello and that they would take care of me. In some places this would have been a prank, but he was so earnest and insistent, that I did indeed (diffidently) stop by the cafe the next day.

When I told the barkeep that Giorgos had sent me, he stopped what he was doing, and announced it to the whole cafe, and then everyone proceeded to cheer and drink to my health. The more I think about this, the more likely it seems that they may not have known who Giorgos was (and it's just George in Greek, so such a popular name too), but did not want me to feel stupid.

Today when I wandered off to find a cash machine (as the monasteries in Meteora don't accept cards), the woman whose shop the ATM was at, made such a fuss of me. "I am lucky to wake up and meet you today," she said after she gave me a small bag of cherries to share with Big A and Nu. 

Hospitality and unlooked for kindness every where I see here. 

I think often also of that 2018 Joanna Kakissis story on NPR where she talked about how her Greek family in Lesbos was trying to help Syrian and other refugees coming in across the Mediterranean as "the rest of the E.U. won't take them." 

Ancient Greek history has so much war, but all that's left now is the legendary Greek hospitality.

Pic: I'm up on a ledge, with an Omen-like sunbeam slicing me. But then, I have monasteries perched to my right and left. #Greece

I dream of the Aegean

Somehow, it's suddenly June 5th, and I'm on the cusp of the conference in Athens with E.M.

And somehow, Big A and Nu are going with me too. None of them have been to Greece before, and E.M. and Nu love Greek mythology, and Big A loves me, and I can't wait to show off one of my favorite places in the world to all these loves. 

We leave tomorrow. Ten days in a hotel room might be too much, so for the first time, I've rented a VRBO for us. I hope it's a good experience. I spied Ursula K. Guin on the bookshelves in the online pictures, so I'm taking that as an excellent sign.

Pic: The Aegean Sea from Cape Sounion when I was there with my Chelli two years ago.  #Greece

awards all day

Gratiot County CASA Awards Luncheon in the afternoon, where they very kindly gave me another award... I'm both moved by the acknowledgement, and self-conscious--I'm just doing my little bit! In the last two years, I've received three awards for CASA work. For someone like me, it's a lot to hear people say stuff about me, make an acceptance speech, etc. The real heroes are the children, IMO.

And in the evening, we were guests of CD and JD at the Refugee Development Center gala for a tour of the new facilities and the ribbon cutting. Big A could see my immediate impulse was to give up everything and devote all my time to teaching refugees English language skills, and began counseling prudence. I'm going to volunteer over the summer, at any rate. The testimonies from the kids brought me to HAPPY tears over and over again. Among the awardees for good citizenship were a pair of third graders--one giggly, one serious, a ninth grader from Chad who dressed up for the occasion in a suit, and a high-schooler who shouted out all the suffering countries including Palestine, Iran, and Lebanon. 

Pic: The actual ribbon cutting. It was so fun to see people from different spheres of my life up there--church friends, legislators, our family physician's spouse, colleagues, etc.

Eight decades of awesome

It's Amma's 80th birthday today. I spent quite a long time at the temple. My sister made her a mango cake, I made her a kulfi with pistachios, cardamom, and rosewater. For the past couple of years in the lead up to this big birthday, she'd been joking that I would not make it home for her 80th birthday celebration as I had done for my Dad's 80th. She would set me up, teasing me about loving dad more than her--just so I'd profess my love for her above all else and promise to be there with her today. This turned out to be such a not-funny joke. 

For my dad's 80th, I flew to Bangalore to surprise my parents. My mom was also on her way back to Bangalore after visiting my sister who was on assignment in Amsterdam. And... BY SOME AMAZING TWIST OF SERENDIPITY, we were both booked on the *same* flight from Frankfurt to Bangalore on the second leg of our respective journeys . I called the airline and arranged to sit next to her, and I started to moo like a cow (one of our silly joke things) as she approached the row... SHE WAS SO BOWLED OVER when she found me! This picture is us reunited on that plane; She looks a bit dazed from the surprise and has her hand wrapped so tight around my upper arm... What I wouldn't give...

medium to intense

DV had given me a gift certificate to Moriah the Medium in September... I felt ready to use it today.  

I set up for our Zoom appointment in the same place where mom and I had taken our last photos together and showed up alone, because I didn't want anyone else's overly rational energy around. I'm not sure I could completely turn off my own rational mind either. As it was, I wondered if I was being told what I wanted to hear--that she was at peace, is always proud of me, and always loves me. 

But then, she said also that my mom is worried that I haven't been as social as I used to be and why haven't I been doing the things I love--like walking by the water by myself and writing. That took me by surprise, because those last two things seemed fairly specific to me, and also true.

I took myself off on a long walk as soon as we got off the call. I was told swans would be a sign from my mother. Mom frequently mistook geese for swans, and we now have geese year-round, so I guess I'm in luck. She said nothing about Scout whose third anniversary was yesterday.

Pic: Redbuds in bloom by The Red Cedar; the floods have receded.

back in a mandala

If I started something new and started looking for results, my mom would often tell me to stick with it for at least 40 days. Because that's how long a mandala--a full cycle of human physiology--is in Ayurvedic practice. 

I've been away from journaling here for over 40 days. I don't know if I'm any different than 40 days ago. 

I didn't mean to stay away. I was very sad and extremely busy. 

I'm still very sad, but am way less busy.

It has been half a year since we lost mom... 

The nausea that went away has begun to return again... 

Because May is coming and it bears her birthday and Mother's Day.

We should prepare ourselves for May, my sister said. 

Yes, of course. But how?

visiting

A video call with dad and sis this evening. I was kind of saying goodbye as I don't know what the internet situation will be like next week. It was so centering to see them.... To hear my sister tell me that I should have a conversation with mom when I wake up on my birthday.

Can I just say how kind everyone has been?!? "Unfailingly" is the word that comes to mind. Family and friends. My community. They have helped me keep the important things going even when other things fell away. 

Steph recently noted that I don't seem to be out walking much, and that is so true! I rarely seem to venture out unless it is with someone. That's a far cry from most times in my life and I hope I'll go back to craving my own company.  

But also the kindness of everyone who stops by! I think often of Jenny's calendar of grief. And I've saved so many comments of comfort and reassurance in an email file that I open up to reread often. I read Jeanie's when I don't have faith in myself because she seems to and seems to know so much that I don't. So it was a treat to get to spend teatime with her.

Pic: The fabulous Jeanie with Max and Huckie!

"I trust"

Thanks to J and Big A, I started the day with a yoga practice that urged me to trust the journey.

I'm trying.

One of the things I think about a lot as my birthday approaches is how this will be the first time I'm here without her in this body she gave me.

At the pow-wow this afternoon with LB and EM, as I watched the dancers in competition completely lose themselves, it made me want to tie my bharatanatyam ankle bells on and whirl until my feelings centrifuge away. 

I love this meme by "Notorious Cree" where they play the "wrong Indian music," (i.e. my kind of Indian) but dance anyway.

Pic: One of the Ojibwe dancers today.  

the unwrapping/unraveling

I'm so grateful for your kindnesses. 

Sorry for being such a whiny ass B yesterday. In my defense, it was a lot at once. A reset is in order.

In the great Christmas unwrapping, my favorites were the book plates so I can really pretend (ha) to be a librarian, and a rainbow maker (it was a "nostalgia present" because I'd given At one when she was a kid and ended up enjoying it more than At had).

At, Nu, and I opened up Amma's suitcase before our Christmas afternoon nap. I'd brought that suitcase back from Bangalore in September and left it in the garage.When we brought it in this week... I realized it was locked... and I had no idea where I had put the key. I remember threading it through the ring of a purse but that was many moons ago, and I don't remember which purse that was. We ended up breaking the (tiny) lock with a hammer. I have saris for a lifetime. The kids didn't want a thing. 

Another thing to unwrap arrived right before Christmas, but I didn't have time until after... Final proofs of the book! The previous proofs looked like a Word document. This one looks like a book! I dedicated the book to Amma.

Pic: I've been giving myself lots of extra time for things since September, and have not been too tough on myself. But I plan to reset starting Monday so I can go into the new year with a fresh mindset. I"m not sure this resolution generator here is it :), but I have a few ideas.