I got my way, but not the puppy

The third puppy was an impulse wish, so things may change yet again, but for now--I don't think I'm getting Legolas (Lego). 

Friends were uniformly supportive in their encouragement. To Big A's caution that three puppies might be excessive, LV scoffed that SIX might SEEM excessive, but not three. That still makes me laugh.

Big A, At, and Nu came around. (My mom used to say that I like to test people who love me. That sounds awful, and I probably do. But I don't think I was yearning for a puppy to test them.) 

Ultimately, it was another family member who changed my mind. We had a lot of visitors last week, and I noticed Max is a bit shy and seems to need his mama more than Huck or Scout did. He's usually rambunctious, so this public persona is a bit surprising. It made me feel like he's still a baby and needs more time as the baby of the family. 

Pic: Baker Woods with L. It was an explosion of green the moment I stepped in. So different from two months ago when I was last there with Lisa.

Feeling the Bern

Nance asked if the kids were jealous that we went to the concert. Not really. For one we'd offered to take them. For another, they had major plans. 

Nu had been excited to attend an online college orientation. They did attend and seem even more oriented and ready now. 

At was scheduled to facilitate this zoom webinar on organizing in the workplace with Senator Bernie Sanders and Harini Sudhakar. 

I got a kind of shout-out. When talking about the importance of socializing with coworkers, At mentioned how one of his coworkers had been an Indian woman with kids who didn't socialize in the usual way outside of work. But At's "Indian mom" (me!) invited her over to dinner and At was able to get to know her better that way. I guess I'm part of labor history now!

Pic: I couldn't watch the event live because I was at the concert, but At just sent me a recording of the webinar, and this was the moment Senator Sanders thanked At for her work before he left. At's text to the family chat was right--Bernie does pronounce At's Sanskrit name perfectly.

justice and care

As armed National Guard troops are called to push back on unarmed civilians in Los Angeles protesting masked ICE agents (why on earth are they masked like they're the KKK???!?!?!) who are conducting workplace raids and storming elementary school graduations, this passage from Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba's Let This Radicalize You: Organizing and the Revolution of Reciprocal Care comes to mind:

"If your tactics disrupt the order of things under capitalism, you may well be accused of violence, because "violence" is an elastic term often deployed to vilify people who threaten the status quo... Conditions that the state characterizes as "peaceful" are, in reality, quite violent. Even as people experience the violence of poverty, the torture of imprisonment, the brutality of policing, the denial of health care, and many other violent functions of this system, we are told we are experiencing peace, so long as everyone is cooperating. When state actors refer to "peace," they are really talking about order."

And I like what Rebecca Solnit said today to people in L.A. about creative resistance: "Shut it down. Slow it down. Wake it up with decentralized protests. Military people are good at violence; that's what they're trained for. But Angelenos greatly outnumber them, know the city intimately, have a thousand ways to make a ruckus and gum up the works. I hope people will appeal to the California National Guard that they're on an illegal mission and should never act against their own people like this. Also, Hollywood, pretend you're in an action movie. Because now you are. Deploy your stars, your special effects, your set designers. Maybe a stunt woman or two."

Pic: The bushes by our front gate were so overgrown, they were hazardous. When driving, we just couldn't see traffic while we were turning into the street. Big A started to trim the bushes the other day and stopped when he realized that there was a nest with baby birds. He was upset because one baby had fallen out and he hoped the parents would still come back to the nest and take care of the rest. Yesterday, we peeked, and it seemed like the babies (we think robins) were doing well. I can't say how happy it makes me that he cares about things like this.

A Diamond Birthday in D.C.

My M.I.L. was so excited when I sent her the link to the NYT article on the Minè Okubo exhibition in the Smithsonian. Given the family connection, I knew we had to take her see it and that it would make a lovely 75th birthday celebration for her.

It's working out nicely. Both her kids, grandkids (my human kids), and I are planning to head to D.C. the weekend before the exhibition closes. 

I have D.C. friends like SD, whom I met nearly 30 years ago in Jerusalem, I'll want to see while there. And I'd LOVE to see blog friends StephLove and "Subway" Steph, if they have the time+inclination.

Pic: This seagull(?) who stayed perched up there the whole time we were on the beach yesterday.

three updates and three book-ish developments

1) Just wanted to say Nu's not in trouble for the other night (and neither am I). At this point, letting me know where they plan to be is more about information than permission. It's just been such a whirlwind of sociality since graduation, I flounder at keeping track. 

2) As of today, little puppy Lego is still available. I thought today (Boss Day!) would be decision day, but Big A asked what if Max and Lego (who will be Max's size when full grown) gang up on Huck who is tiny and old--that is giving me pause. Also, should I be taking all the puppies? I feel a bit greedy like the Melissa McCarthy character in Bridesmaids. (But then look how happy she looks!)

3) My mom and sis are coming at the end of the month!!! Or at least we have tickets, so that's progress.
_____________

1) My book was done. But I now have to make some serious edits because it's about trans politics, and the last few months have changed the landscape of trans rights significantly. The illustrator came through with some amazing work this week, and that is giving me the boost I need to complete this task.

2) I started the year wanting to get out a chapbook of poetry, and have made absolutely no progress. I have not even made any moves or submitted to any journals or anthologies. It's June. I should start. I'm glad it's summer and have some time to devote to this project.

3) Pic: Contributor copies of a poetry anthology I have a few poems in arrived today. Right now, it's available on Amazon, but I'm avoiding that site. It should be available directly from the press soon. All the poems in this anthology started here on the blog--most have undergone massive revisions except the one I wrote for Nu, which shows up with minor tweaks.

talky-talk

A day for visitors! 

L and I took a long summery walk in the morning and then L disappeared for a while and showed up bearing this month's bookclub book and a ton of cut lilacs from her garden. The whole downstairs smells so heady.

LV stopped by later for tea and treats and we just jabbered away through tons of stuff and pizza delivery and he helped me break up Max's excited and immediate friendship with the pizza man + desire to explore his van. LV didn't leave until the imminent arrival of my C U N(ext)T(uesday) club, where he rightly felt he would be out of place. 

Big A and Nu crept in during the short time no one was around to sneak some pizza for dinner before doing their own thing (nap before work, swim with friends).

It was supposed to be pizza and movie night, but the girlfriends did not pick a movie and we just talked for hours instead. We're going to do the celebrations everyone feels they missed out on--BL didn't get a bachelorette party during the pandemic, for instance.

Everyone agreed that I need a third puppy, so I either have the best friends or they're all enablers. I got to confess in a safe and supportive space that the other day I thought Nu was kissing me goodnight, but they were actually kissing me goodbye, and I didn't realize until the morning that they had not spent the night at home. I did not know where my kid was at 10 pm or any point after. Yikes.

Pic: Peonies from my walk with L this morning. What even are these colors?! I love summer.

in the arrival lounge in my head

1) This puppy who has a heart-shaped blaze/bindi on his forehead and looks like an elf and I've been calling Legolas in my head (Lego for short). I need another baby to care for to keep me happy sane. Big A will do whatever I want. The human kids think it's a bad idea, but then they don't live here (Nu will be off to college in a couple of months). At reminded me that there's a long history of me making rash decisions and being saved by my kids. But I really want this baby. Look at him! He looks so sweet! He looks so sad! He needs me!

2) My mom and sister are coming for a two-week visit! Later this month or early in July! Tickets haven't been finalized yet. But obviously, I'm already excitedly planning out every day's itinerary. 

Both or neither of these things may happen... or not. But for now, my head is in such a happy anticipatory space.

Pic: Puppy photo from their website. 

Ughs <--> Ohs

The NWSA proposal EM and I submitted together didn't get accepted, but the one I submitted by myself did. I wanted to go with her!

I ran out of moisturizer while traveling with the kids and sampled Nu's Vanicream, and it's a dream. It may be the one thing Miranda July got right in All Fours. (That and the bit about dogs.)

I got my travel course evals--high marks, but very few comments. It would have been nice if some of the kind things people wrote in cards and emails were in the course evals--I'm up for assessment the year after next.

I got a copy of American Dirt by Jeanine Cummings (from a Goodwill) because a student (Hi, CW!) wanted to work on it and am reading it now. I expected to hate every minute of its appropriative voice... but have to say it's quite respectful and suspenseful.

A poetry anthology I have some poems in is now on Amazon and getting promoted heavily by the editors... and I'm worried my mom might see. I know she'll not like that I wrote about some of those topics.  

Pic: I watched this frog swim up to the little solar fountain like they were a kid in summer camp swimming up to the buoy in the middle of the lake. Their name is Popchyk. (Big A is reading The Goldfinch on my recommendation and we talk about the puppy more than any other character.)

ceremony (and the start of summer)

I guess I'm still not American enough. Why don't they hold graduation in their own auditorium, I wondered. The high school auditorium is pretty huge, but not Big-Ten university basketball stadium huge, which apparently is the size you'd need to accommodate Nu's graduating class and and their families.

(Incidentally, "accommodate" is a word Magic Johnson, once a player at this very stadium, used very inventively. As in: "I did my best to accommodate as many women as I could." They have his name up there and it reminded me.) 

Anyway, it was a full day--breakfast with one set of grandparents, lunch with another, then off to pick up people for the ceremony, and back at our place for dinner... Nu is currently away celebrating with friends.

I can't wait to get into my summer routine. Tomorrow we have an all-day department workshop. So perhaps I can start from this weekend, which conveniently happens to be the beginning of June? Yay!

Pic: Watching as the students throw their caps into the air. How much hope for the future is gathered in this one place! I clapped for each and every graduate and am so happy and hopeful for all of them.  I wish admin could have found a way to spend a moment to honor the senior student who died last year. 

"Grad U Ate"

Nu's grad party!

It was going to be outside, but then it looked like rain, so we moved everything indoors. The house was full of people who've known Nu since they were a baby/toddler and it wasn't just me getting emotional about this celebration.

Nu who'd consented to this party just to make me happy admitted at the end of the evening that they'd enjoyed being made a fuss of... !!! YAY.

I set out my kumkum bharani for people to place a vermillion blessing on Nu's forehead before they left. And my favorite thing about my multi-ethnic community is how each person made this Hindu tradition their own. While some people placed a dot (bindi/bottu), some drew a cross, or a crescent, and even... a smiley face!

Pic: Nu making a silly face because I asked for a pose. Behind them, their cake that says, "Grad U Ate." (I learned what the kids were saying and the pun wrote itself!)

not the post I expected to write on returning

I did not expect to be overcome by such crushing sadness today. I was happy to be headed home, but with the travel term and the wedding (two of my big summer things) safely in the past, all the things I've tried to set aside spilled over inside. 

I guess there were fissures all along if I look back. My strangely titled post about cousins, for instance, is likely because I was trying to suppress having read about Dr. Alaa al-Najjar, the Palestinian pediatrician who had to identify the charred bodies of nine of her children after an Israeli airstrike on her home that day. 

Another airstrike yesterday on a school being used as a refuge by families yesterday, and I think the fact that my tax dollars contributed to this and supports the systematic starvation of hundreds of thousands of people feels too much. All the donations we make personally will not help if there is no food to be bought. How have we--as humans, as Americans--let this genocide continue for 19 months? 

(There was also the minor stress of sharing a hotel room with my kids, one of whom continued to feel a bit under the weather. Did I wish they'd do a bit more? Yes. Did I ask? No. I need to get better about this.)

Anyway, it all came to a head when we were dropping At off at her place. I started crying, then At and Nu were also sharing sad snippets and crying in the car. Big A was calling to find out where we were, but I couldn't even pick up the calls. Then At suggested a walk around the block to clear our heads. So we walked for a while... we found a small park and Nu and At gave the spinners a go. 

Pic: Nu and At at the park. It made me smile to see my kids... acting like kids. 

all dressed up

Pic: Cousin K's friend who spent Diwali with us last November took this picture of me, Nu, and At before the evening festivities started.

A parade, party, people, people I haven't seen in years, dancing... I was so happy. 

Nu was a bit under the weather (hence their mask), so I  thought we should leave early. But the kids convinced me that At would take Nu back to the hotel and I should stay and enjoy. 

And so I did.

"pediatricians are the best"

Pic: Cousin N took this picture of At and me with our fresh wedding henna. Earlier, when she saw At, she took one look and swept in for a big hug saying At looked beautiful. She didn't pause for questions about names, pronouns, histories... At beamed. There's such a sense of relief being with my kids in an accepting place. 

When I texted Big A about Cousin N, he texted back that pediatricians are the best. (Cousin N used to be At's pediatrician when At was a toddler, actually.)

And Cousin K, the bride, has just matched with the pediatrics residency program at New York presbyterian. She's very good with kids too and the reason why Nu, so notoriously averse to big gatherings, decided to do this trip--because toddler Nu was a big fan of Cousin K.

Three-worry Thursday

The kids and I leave for the wedding tomorrow... we fly in and out of Newark airport, which has been experiencing tech delays and disasters lately. Whomp-whomp. We have plenty of time on both sides of the big event, so I'm hopeful that things will be okay. "Promise me you'll come back," L said.

And I hope At will have a good time at the wedding. It's her first big family gathering since transitioning. I don't expect anyone will be mean--everyone was simply lovely when we shared Nu's transition at another wedding, and there are other trans and non-binary kids in the family, but At might be the first trans woman. It's not a big reveal--I've had heart-to-hearts with my cousins about it + At and the kid cousins share social media, but there are bound to be people who will be finding out for the first time. 

Pic: I caught sight of this pair of mallards in the pond this morning and was worried they might nest here, because I've done my reading. Baby ducklings would have been cute, but I wasn't sure if Max and Huck would be gentle with them, so I acted like a very noisy human and they decided to leave. 

this is about everything

the world is different after rain 
its marrows open, singing, astonished

outlined in reflections and wet mirages

I mark myself in nothing now 

in the endless movement of trembling

meeting no resistance, passing through

only freckled with the dailiness 

of living and knowing we can wake up

like flowers opening their bright mouths

_________________

Pic: At and Nu surprised me with a M.U.M. (MakeUp Mother's Day) today. Their card was an "In Sympathy" card for being their mom. They think they're so ironic and funny. [eyeroll] After they finished laughing at their joke, we had a wonderful time raiding my closet for wedding attire to wear this weekend and picking out jewelry--with my kids clowning all the while. Then a leisurely lunch of sesame noodles (I'd already made that for dinner, I didn't know we were celebrating today) while watching Laapataa Ladies, until it was time to head off to various meetings and appointments. It was too rainy to do our usual Mother's Day gardening, but I get three days of travel with these loves later this week, so I'm sure there'll be plenty of opportunities to maximize our time. 

the world after

I can start again tomorrow
despite how much I don't 
like becoming divided
despite how much 
I... shouldn't be

find me there

there's no reason for sorrow 
in a  day  still  so young 
when old  letters catch 

me time traveling... I

wonder who holds 

your empty hand 

_____________________

Pic: Max and Huck fresh from the groomer, watching me fetch myself a cup of tea to drink in the tea garden, which is very jungly at this point. ALSO!! I didn't mean to imply the fam neglected my plants while I was gone. The zillion plants and watering them are my thing. I've never asked Big A or the kids to do it because it takes at least two hours (a week) and that's a lot. If I make the pots a bit swampy before I leave, they can usually wait two weeks. As you can see, the begonias, geraniums, and jasmines (heroes all!) are blooming.

catching up

Wow, did I really not expect to come back? The (human) kids and I are supposed to head to my Cousin K's wedding reception in NJ later this week. On the long ride back home from the airport, I realized that Big A had booked our plane tickets, but the wedding hotel was booked up when he'd tried to book us a room, and so I was going to call them the next morning and do it myself and then absolutely did not do that! Last night I realized that if we were going to go, we were going to have to be very lucky with hotel reservations. 

This morning, there were some rooms at a hotel nearby, so we're all set. 

Also, I didn't set up plans with NJ/NY people for the day after the reception, which looks free. 

And... I didn't finish inviting people to Nu's grad party next week. I should get on that too.

Today was just lovely. So much time with Max, Huck, and Nu (who conveniently had senior skip day). Then I watered the zillion plants. Most of them made it without me or water for two weeks! Some dry leaves, but nothing a few good soaks won't make up for. Only the the bleeding hearts and some herbs, gave up. Sounds like I'm throwing old-fashioned insults, but those are the literal plants that didn't make it. 

A long, lingering dinner catching up on all the little details of the past two weeks was balm for my soul. Also yummy--we combined, polished up, and then polished off two Thai dishes Big A had experimented with over the weekend.

Pic: Things abloom in London. I haven't taken a single photo since I got home.

the last supper

There are thirteen of us at the table. But just our awesome, regular selves. (No Jesuses or Judases.)

Headed for home come morning! At least half the class has journaled about not being ready to head home. Not me though.

I was both right to be worried about the tornado yesterday, and judging from the photos of the devastation I've been seeing, I wasn't nearly worried enough! I did tell Big A that I thought he should call in back-up and go home to check on the kids, but he talked me down. And I quote: "It’s inconceivable that our house alone was hit by a tornado without damage to any other structures. Meaning if Nu was under rubble EMS would already be on our street." And later, "I have multiple sick patients right now and multiple procedures….I can’t leave anytime soon regardless." Plenty of room for a fight, but I'm just glad everyone is alright.

Pic: A lucky restaurant find--a "food hall" with a variety of cuisines. So perfectly in keeping with our "cosmopolitan" theme.

I wonder what At's Pre-K teacher thought

I dosed up on Lemsip (which is like Theraflu, but works better) and we headed out to Oxford for another day of lectures with Robert J.C. Young, who had been my professor and is a Fellow of Wadham College. 

I'm glad we didn't cancel. 

I thought the room he'd booked for us at Wadham--the Cecil Day Lewis Room--was a lucky coincidence. But as he told my students, he booked it precisely because back when I was there, that was where we had our seminars. (Cecil Day Lewis the poet is the father of Daniel Day Lewis the actor!)

I had to tell my students the funny story about when I took At to one of Robert's parties in NYC (after he'd moved to NYU). Hoping for good behavior, I'd told five-year-old At who came with me that it was for work (as it was!). There were a lot of British and European folks at the party, so there were a lot of those greetings where you hug and then kiss on both cheeks. Lo and behold, later that week when going through At's schoolwork, I came across this gem: "My mom went to work and kissed everybody." I always wonder what At's teacher thought of that.

Pic: The class with Robert J.C. Young (and C. Day Lewis on the wall)

"Boo, you 'ho"

I think I'm sick. 

Of course, the correct response to that (on our family chat anyway) would be "Boo, you 'ho" (without the hard "r"). 

It could be the pollen merrily floating around. I've dosed myself liberally with Lemsip and am currently loopier than ever.

Pic: Our picnic at Hyde Park today. People declaiming from set Hyde Park pieces (Orwell, Shaw, Marx, C.L.R. James, William Morris) or topics they're passionate about (The Globe's R&J, Bram Stoker's Dracula, guns in general.)