doubt enters the room as if it were light

A lot of work-related travel in the upcoming weeks and my mind is on home.

I called BigA in a panic from the airport bus, because I wasn't sure if I'd shut the back door and was worried Max and Huckie would be in danger, if I'd turned off the stove... and a few minutes later if I'd shut the front door. Thankfully, it was a Thursday, so he was working at the addiction clinic and could check on everything on his lunch break. (Everything was, in fact, fine.)

Last night, I woke from a dream where my mom had changed/rearranged the coffee table and was finding my entreaties amusing... (I get my homing vibes from her, so she wouldn't have, but dreams are an exercise in the unexpected.)

Lots of good panels, a blogger meet, worked the caucus table, attended a college committee meeting remotely, and worked on the paper I'm presenting. NWSA seems quieter, but maybe that's just because many of my regulars aren't here this year. OR it could be because so many programs were cut last year that there actually are fewer folks around. Or some combination of the two.

____________________
Pic: The wobbly pic BigA sent me to reassure me that Maxie was safe.

so woke

I was cautiously optimistic and am now (way past midnight) heartened by the American decency that is showing up at the polls.

All the reports of people leaving their "I voted" stickers at the Alex Pretti, Renee Good, and other ICE victims' memorials is making me tear up... I hope we can move back to kindness--I'm so tired from the constant cruelty, and depravity, and chaos. 

And so many wins to celebrate--Deb Haaland, Amy Acton, Annie Andrews, Troy Jackson, Keisha Lance Bottoms, Sherrod Brown, James Talarico, Gina Hinojosa, Chris Pappas... Still waiting to hear decisively about Abdul in our state. Angie Nixon called herself a socialist and nearly won in Florida. I'm counting that as a win. She could have really won too, if only the Dem establishment had extended any support. I really do hope Dem leadership is listening to what the people want and will stop playing their tired old duopoly games.

Pic: As the red and black stripes in the background might indicate, this is Nu's voting sticker. BigA and I voted after I got home from work this evening and went to stock up on emotional support snacks afterwards. Nu is off at the Will Lawrence watch party (that's not looking good, but we could still pull it off!).

Oh, say...

...do you see the baby buck waiting for us by the garden shed at the end of the driveway? Max and Huck sure didn't. It surprises me how oblivious these guys seem to be to the world around them. They're mostly interested in family, other humans, *sometimes* other dogs, and like to chase squirrels and birds for fun. (And they're hilariously surprised when they find them stationary!)

In other silly baby news, I wished everyone a Happy November because that's something my mom used to do every month, and now it's up to me to carry that on.

May it be a happy November! (I won't be having a watch party, because when we moved into this house in 2016, one of our first parties was on election night, and... uh-oh, I might be scarred.)

Pic: Us returning home from an evening walk.

my assumptive world order

I think this photo is from when At committed to Alma, and everyone dressed up in college gear to celebrate. I miss when my parents used to live with us for half the year (I miss when my mom was alive).
 

FB is going to be killing me softly for evermore with memories, I guess.

It's ok; I can take it. I'm glad there were happy times. I'm smiling back at these loved faces.

I can't imagine a world without these loves in whatever physical or spiritual form they are and how lucky am I to always have some part of them. 

Pic: FB sent me this memory from "10 Years ago" as it says at the top of the photo.

twin (de)lights

Driving Nu back to the dorms this morning, and both of us gasped at the size of the full moon in the morning sky. Nu is very much a "I’m going to take a picture with my eyes and keep it in my memory” person, so this photo is evidence of Nu being so kind to my more pedestrian sensibilities.

Also kind--Nu coming in this weekend to spend time with Max and Huck so Big A and I could go to his college reunion.

I love long car rides and freewheeling chats with this baby. By the time we got to the college, there was a brilliant orange sun behind us, but I knew better than to ask for a photo of that too. I know the limits. Ha.

Pic: That streetlight seems to be giving the moon some competition here, but that wasn't the case in real life.

Happy and Happy

BigA's Birthday! We're in Kalamazoo for his 30th college reunion weekend as well. 

It feels odd to be celebrating without the kids, but this is so A's speed, and we're having a great time, and it has been fun hearing all the old stories once again.

Pic: The restaurant found out we were celebrating his birthday (because I told them!) and they took this polaroid of us. What a cute idea!

last human teen

Nineteen! The baby celebrated with friends yesterday and will tonight as well. But they had dinner with the parents and puppy sibs and made a wish (I know what it is!) this evening at home. 

Happy Birthday and a safe and happy year ahead to my darling!

_______

Pic: Nu and BigA (with Max and Huck underfoot)
 

my day in court

I guess I'd been kind of holding my breath all month long because of the traffic court hearing today. I was in shock and in panic and relieved no one was hurt, but I was disagreeing with the officer even as they wrote me the ticket and let them know I planned to show up in court. 

Big A thought I should just take the points and pay the fine, but I'm stupid-stubborn about fighting for what I believe to be true. Various friends tried to tell me that that the officer might not show up and then the case would just go in my favor, and I began to hope for that. 

But the officer did show up. And then outright LIED! It was a good thing I had photos that showed otherwise to convince the judge. Why are cops like this?!? What was the point?

My points were dismissed. 

It felt celebratory--it IS! But also, I think I imagined things would reset to a before time and it did, but just to before the accident... not all the way back to before mom's illness.

Pic: Free as a bird! Free as two! I was so worried about this court date... Nu kept reminding me that it was on Zoom and that it was unlikely that anything too terrible could happen to me.

Finale

by Pablo Neruda

...here or there,
gazing off,
twisting my spine,
bleeding true blood,
perhaps I awaken
or am lost, sleeping:
hospital beds,
foreign windows,
white uniforms of the silent walkers,
the clumsiness of feet.
And then, these journeys
and my sea of renewal:
your head on the pillow,
your hands floating
in the light, in my light,
over my earth.
It was beautiful to live
when you lived!

______________

Pic: Big A, Max, and Huckie are working out/working on bikes in the basement.

a whole new year

...and now it has been a whole year. I don't know how that happened or how we managed it.

I'm glad we made it to a year. I'm sad (and mad) we're now counting our loss in years.

A clipped and awkward phonecall with dad and my sis this morning and then a day prepping mom's favorite foods for the traditional offering.

Pic: Nu, Max, BigA, and Huck at Pooja. I went to the bookstore to find a "Large Print" book to add to the offering and the very first book I saw (because it had been placed facing outward) was by Lily King, who was an author we'd read for our first bookclub together. Amma loved Large Print books and bookclubs, both of which she had no access to in India.

near tears

Constantly. ALL the time. If I'm not actually crying, say something mean or kind or interesting or unrelated and watch me cry. 

I could be an attraction at a freak show.

Pic: Also freaky, how Max has not learned to walk and constantly runs rings around me as though I'm a Maypole or gets tangled up with Huckie.

a new chapter

I've raised A LOT of funds for our Refugee Development Center over the years from generous family and friends, but this is the first year I've volunteered there. I do some adult ESOL in the morning and help out in the toddler First Steps classroom in the afternoon.

It is filling my summer time and it is filling my heart. 

And when I need to process news like Nu saying they may not go back to college, it really, really helps to remind me that there are many, many ways to start over and over again.  

Pic: This afternoon's culinary delight was the work of many toddler hands and combined broccoli, eggplant, and peaches. (I will not be trying this at home.)

I wish I had more patience...

Big A and I worked on dredging the pond all day and he thinks (correctly) that we should let things dry before we repair, but I want to just go ahead and refill it up already.

I typed up a response to the Whistler text book club after dinner, but it seemed too late to text. I'm mentally hopping from foot to foot, waiting for it to be mid morning so we can unpack more delicious details.

The mango pickle I started (based on memories and vibes of my grandmother's) needs time to cure, but I keep opening the jar for just a little sniff.

The submissions to the project with EM are beginning to come in, and I love everything and just want to tell every author their submission is accepted although that won't be feasible.

Pic: Max adores Nu. I mean, he loves watermelon, but Nu, he just worships.

lifeline

for S.L.E.

1996-2025

look--how connected we are, we two

look--how  far  away the stars' gleam

who's to tell tomorrow what life-sized 

event can make us seem separate too

 rain protests like Rorschach shrapnel 

against the mouths of the buildings

 that swallow us, windows watching 

us spend outlawed, ongoing words 

my mind, just a machine of memory

all my notes veering between theory

or grocery lists... and in your mind

life a dimming rhythm of  wrongs

you dwell on answers, staying only 

for the songs: yes, yes, yes, and no

O, though it starts in a field of fear 

my heart was there for you to hold 

_________________

Somehow it's a year since S, At's ex, died by suicide.

(I tried to work with the different connotations of "lifeline" like umbilical cords, palm creases in fortune telling, lifespans, and maritime rescue.)

Pic: Seagulls along a Saronic coastline.

Sunday (five-day) update

The book reading and signing went fine. I worked myself up into a tizzy, and prepped in all kinds of ways, but Josh, the talented interlocutor, was lovely and very conversational and I was able to be myself and tell stories. I might even let family come to the next one! We sold a bunch of books and I signed all the remaining copies at the store (apparently signed copies sell better). Also, Nicole tipped me off that the old discount code didn't work for her. The publisher has given me a new one, it is FORM20.

I took the next day off. Like really off. If I owed anyone a text or a phone call or an email it just wasn't happening.

I've been spending all my time on summer reading... Finished the new Elizabeth Strout, then finished the new Ann Patchett. Both were lovely. I'd love to read The Things We Never Say with one of my bookclubs where so many are teachers. I'm currently almost through Maggie O'Farrell's Land. I get the charm the comfortable familiarity of stories like those of Strout and Patchett exercise. But give me the excitement of something like Land any day. I'm loving the anti-colonial intrigue, the imaginative recreation of bog people, the random snippet that pirates wore gold earrings so they could be used to pay for their funerals...

I spent a lot of time at the garden center. Also a lot of cash. But it's ok--I shop exclusively in my closet, and have no expensive habits or memberships--I can indulge myself. It was mostly flowers, but if the veggies take off, we/the deer will be grateful. 

I had a long and lovely dream about my Amma, sis, and me. We were visiting a fabulous desert palace. (we were supposed to go to Turkey together this year.) We were sitting on a bench holding hands and I was playing a new-to-me song (Niall Horan “Heaven” I bet the title is not a coincidence) because it has some surprising melodic changes in the chorus I thought my mom would like (she did). Then I offered to get my sister ice cream, and my mom said the most her thing possible! "What, Kanna? You’re going to eat ice cream without me?" That's when I woke up.

Pic: I found this hasty scribble from my mom I'd saved. It had been on something she'd sent me via someone who was visiting. A box of sweets, I think. I took it as a good sign for the week. 

Fathers, First Heroes

A long FaceTime with my dad first thing in the morning. Everything about this post is so true and his hair is still so luxurious except strikingly all silver. Hopefully, that's me someday!

The rest of the day was trying to make sure that At and Nu remembered to do something nice for Big A and that Big A called his dad. I'd ordered a custom bracelet for Big A with all five kids' names on it (Scout too, naturally).

Flashback: At our rehearsal dinner, At (whose bio dad died when they were a toddler) asked if Big A could be "dad." And when we were having Nu, Big A legally adopted At so there would be no question in At's mind or anyone else's that he was truly dad. This was one of the things that made my mom love Big A so extra. Maybe me too.

Pic: A robin in a tree along the Red Cedar River. Father's Day walk with Big A. 

"drive safe"

Our TWENTIETH anniversary today! It feels both shorter than that and longer than that...

We went to dinner by ourselves where they presented us with some delicious champagne and then I ordered a sangria on top of that. Given how rarely I drink, it all did go to my head. So it made me giggle when our very young, very sweet, very attentive waiter wished us well at the end of the meal and looked directly at me when he said to "drive safe." I wasn't driving. 

Pic: Big A, me, and our ring bearer, At, 20 years ago. 

"with a friend"

We took a boat trip across the Saronic Gulf to Aegina and Agistri today. I'll be looking at pictures and videos of the sea and skies for a long time... the blues are fairly incredible. Even in the moment, they seemed unreal. 

Hunting for the perfect pistachio ice cream as one does on Aegina, Nu and I stopped at a beautiful Byzantine church. (I light candles for Scout and my mama everywhere I go.) 

The elderly woman who had been cleaning some pictures stopped and marched up to me, and I got a bit nervous wondering if I'd forgotten to take off my hat or was sitting in the wrong chair... but it turned out that she just wanted to confirm that I was Indian and give me compliments and appear thoroughly devastated that we were there only for the day. (My conversations with Greek people are in the 100th percentile for sweetness, I swear.) 

She kept referring Nu as "my friend" although we both explained how we were related a couple of times, so I kept reminding Nu to be a good friend for the rest of the day. 

Pic: Big A's candid of my "friend" Nu and me on the boat. #Greece

"greasy dudes in Greece"

Trip to Delphi today. I don't think even the Oracle could have explained why the tour company gave us more than three hours at various convenience stops and and then just an hour at the ruins... and LESS THAN AN HOUR at the museum. I could spend an hour just on The Charioteer alone. 

On our way home, Nu and Big A decided to stay outside while I picked up some stuff at the grocery. But suddenly Big A was at my elbow asking me if I needed help to carry stuff out. I did not, but A did not like the guy who'd let me cut the line and was talking to me. Nu and A think I talk to too many "greasy dudes in Greece." I just talk to everyone is all.

Pic: My judgy crew. #Greece

"I am lucky to wake up and meet you today"

I don't want to jinx it, but I just have the nicest encounters in Greece. 

The first time I was here (by myself in 2019), my taxi driver in Athens was so excited to find out that I was traveling to Olympia the next day. He said that he was from Olympia and that I should go to the cafe right by the museum and let them know that Giorgos had sent me to say hello and that they would take care of me. In some places this would have been a prank, but he was so earnest and insistent, that I did indeed (diffidently) stop by the cafe the next day.

When I told the barkeep that Giorgos had sent me, he stopped what he was doing, and announced it to the whole cafe, and then everyone proceeded to cheer and drink to my health. The more I think about this, the more likely it seems that they may not have known who Giorgos was (and it's just George in Greek, so such a popular name too), but did not want me to feel stupid.

Today when I wandered off to find a cash machine (as the monasteries in Meteora don't accept cards), the woman whose shop the ATM was at, made such a fuss of me. "I am lucky to wake up and meet you today," she said after she gave me a small bag of cherries to share with Big A and Nu. 

Hospitality and unlooked for kindness every where I see here. 

I think often also of that 2018 Joanna Kakissis story on NPR where she talked about how her Greek family in Lesbos was trying to help Syrian and other refugees coming in across the Mediterranean as "the rest of the E.U. won't take them." 

Ancient Greek history has so much war, but all that's left now is the legendary Greek hospitality.

Pic: I'm up on a ledge, with an Omen-like sunbeam slicing me. But then, I have monasteries perched to my right and left. #Greece