headed for the revolution

I'm an incredibly lucky duck... I messed up the due dates for my external letter writers, but *every* one of them, got their letters in. I'm so grateful for these wonderful people in my life... superstars all of them. 

One of them shared their letter for proofing, and had spelled "humanities" as "humantities." I almost didn't want to point it out--because it kind of sounded like that's where you might go to drink the "milk of human kindness" lol. 

I taught my 8 am class in person because I didn't think my first-years would do ok without a check in from me and then pivoted to online for my other classes. Now it's off to Paris with the i-GEM team. Because of the recent student protests in Paris, the fam has been joking that I'm headed to learn lessons in revolution. 

___________

Pic: On MSU's campus. The message says "Do your part, DeFlock campus." On the ground, there is a blue tarp as if someone lives down there by the river. There have some murders of unhoused people by the Lansing river trail, so people may be moving to this side for safety. Life shouldn't be this hard. 

when night comes fast

duty spills, sappy and sticky as blood

rain is a wall sagging like sentences

suddenly alphabetless and guileless

rolling shut  against all statements

I just want to say yes, yes, watch me 

spin with love--revolving  evolving 

targets  may  come and  go missing 

but I just hear promises at the core

__________

Pic: A long walk with BigA, the leaves falling all about us, a shallow stretch of the Red Cedar ahead.

doubt enters the room as if it were light

A lot of work-related travel in the upcoming weeks and my mind is on home.

I called BigA in a panic from the airport bus, because I wasn't sure if I'd shut the back door and was worried Max and Huckie would be in danger, if I'd turned off the stove... and a few minutes later if I'd shut the front door. Thankfully, it was a Thursday, so he was working at the addiction clinic and could check on everything on his lunch break. (Everything was, in fact, fine.)

Last night, I woke from a dream where my mom had changed/rearranged the coffee table and was finding my entreaties amusing... (I get my homing vibes from her, so she wouldn't have, but dreams are an exercise in the unexpected.)

Lots of good panels, a blogger meet, worked the caucus table, attended a college committee meeting remotely, and worked on the paper I'm presenting. NWSA seems quieter, but maybe that's just because many of my regulars aren't here this year. OR it could be because so many programs were cut last year that there actually are fewer folks around. Or some combination of the two.

____________________
Pic: The wobbly pic BigA sent me to reassure me that Maxie was safe.

so woke

I was cautiously optimistic and am now (way past midnight) heartened by the American decency that is showing up at the polls.

All the reports of people leaving their "I voted" stickers at the Alex Pretti, Renee Good, and other ICE victims' memorials is making me tear up... I hope we can move back to kindness--I'm so tired from the constant cruelty, and depravity, and chaos. 

And so many wins to celebrate--Deb Haaland, Amy Acton, Annie Andrews, Troy Jackson, Keisha Lance Bottoms, Sherrod Brown, James Talarico, Gina Hinojosa, Chris Pappas... Still waiting to hear decisively about Abdul in our state. Angie Nixon called herself a socialist and nearly won in Florida. I'm counting that as a win. She could have really won too, if only the Dem establishment had extended any support. I really do hope Dem leadership is listening to what the people want and will stop playing their tired old duopoly games.

Pic: As the red and black stripes in the background might indicate, this is Nu's voting sticker. BigA and I voted after I got home from work this evening and went to stock up on emotional support snacks afterwards. Nu is off at the Will Lawrence watch party (that's not looking good, but we could still pull it off!).

Oh, say...

...do you see the baby buck waiting for us by the garden shed at the end of the driveway? Max and Huck sure didn't. It surprises me how oblivious these guys seem to be to the world around them. They're mostly interested in family, other humans, *sometimes* other dogs, and like to chase squirrels and birds for fun. (And they're hilariously surprised when they find them stationary!)

In other silly baby news, I wished everyone a Happy November because that's something my mom used to do every month, and now it's up to me to carry that on.

May it be a happy November! (I won't be having a watch party, because when we moved into this house in 2016, one of our first parties was on election night, and... uh-oh, I might be scarred.)

Pic: Us returning home from an evening walk.

my assumptive world order

I think this photo is from when At committed to Alma, and everyone dressed up in college gear to celebrate. I miss when my parents used to live with us for half the year (I miss when my mom was alive).
 

FB is going to be killing me softly for evermore with memories, I guess.

It's ok; I can take it. I'm glad there were happy times. I'm smiling back at these loved faces.

I can't imagine a world without these loves in whatever physical or spiritual form they are and how lucky am I to always have some part of them. 

Pic: FB sent me this memory from "10 Years ago" as it says at the top of the photo.

externalizations

I shouldn't take photos from the car, but only the brave deserve beauty?

Also, between Amma and my small accident last month, I think I've got a case of survivor defensive externalizing in a way that comes off as arrogance and carelessness.

And also apropos of nothing, on our walk today, JG was beginning to worry all over again that I haven't seen my doc or had any cancer screenings in ages... and then looked at me and called it: "You are never going to get cancer treatment, are you?" Who knows how I will react if confronted with that choice... But as of now, that is the plan. Yes.

Pic: Sunset on The Maple River.

twin (de)lights

Driving Nu back to the dorms this morning, and both of us gasped at the size of the full moon in the morning sky. Nu is very much a "I’m going to take a picture with my eyes and keep it in my memory” person, so this photo is evidence of Nu being so kind to my more pedestrian sensibilities.

Also kind--Nu coming in this weekend to spend time with Max and Huck so Big A and I could go to his college reunion.

I love long car rides and freewheeling chats with this baby. By the time we got to the college, there was a brilliant orange sun behind us, but I knew better than to ask for a photo of that too. I know the limits. Ha.

Pic: That streetlight seems to be giving the moon some competition here, but that wasn't the case in real life.

flights (of fancy)

BigA and I were driving home from the reunion weekend in Kalamazoo, talking about booking our trip to India, when in the sky this gorgeous bird in the sky...

Can you see the swallow up there, I asked?

I can see a bird, he said.

I remembered that I don't think I've seen a real swallow either.

Pic: Sunset on a road trip.

Happy and Happy

BigA's Birthday! We're in Kalamazoo for his 30th college reunion weekend as well. 

It feels odd to be celebrating without the kids, but this is so A's speed, and we're having a great time, and it has been fun hearing all the old stories once again.

Pic: The restaurant found out we were celebrating his birthday (because I told them!) and they took this polaroid of us. What a cute idea!

covering

I wore my best clothes to your funeral

I know I won't ever wear them again

nor can I give them away

they are locked to me 

as I wish you were

still  

 

encased in amber

the rain brings messages

you are beautiful the world is young
the world is young and you are beautiful

a mother on this side, a daughter on the other

it's the rule of this world: days capped by night 

_____________

Pic Sanford Woods... it's that amber time of the year!

Wherever you are I want to find you and talk to you

From "Nightfall" by Jeannie Vanasco

"Are you in the autumn-wood air that rises from the lake?

How was your summer, how is your autumn?

Are there seasons where you are? I have often thought of this.

Here the rain comes and dark strips of land lighten. I cannot explain it. You must see it for yourself.

This evening the sky feels as big as silence, as big as the silence between us, not disquieting but dissolving the day into long threads.

Clouds pass by and by nightfall all thoughts of you pour back into my hands and the rain is pouring now.

Are you thinking of me? I am thinking of you. What strength I give away comes back again. I have already forgotten what to do with it."

__________

Pic: Commute pic... Sunset, farmland, alone-ness. 

fall's well

I have dreamed the walls of my heart

my lunatic mouth sucking at words

sitting inside and beside thoughts

the chest, the breast, the heart

the heartbeat of my mother

it is considered natural

here no one notices

________

Pic: Somewhere on Farm Road, a random fruiting tree.

finally, willing to say

I think of all the people I know who lost their parents too early...

or all the kids in Gaza and elsewhere whose wails sound like my own, except they are two and three and five and don't even have enough memories

or I think of people like Diane Keaton and Dolly Parton who died last year, the same age as my mom, rich women, in the first world, who did not even put their bodies through childbirth, and I think ok...

perhaps we had a good run after all... she hated medicalization and did not want to be an invalid, and the end was so sudden, it would have been painless (BigA explained that during a stroke, the CO2 in the brain basically acts as a pain suppressant). We were happy together, our last words were "Love you," what more could I ask? (More time.)

______________________

Pic: A balancing act. Red Cedar walk by myself.
 

still...

The other side says, "we're still here."

That's how I feel too...

________
MSU Spirit Rock; walk with BigA

last human teen

Nineteen! The baby celebrated with friends yesterday and will tonight as well. But they had dinner with the parents and puppy sibs and made a wish (I know what it is!) this evening at home. 

Happy Birthday and a safe and happy year ahead to my darling!

_______

Pic: Nu and BigA (with Max and Huck underfoot)
 

waking up to try again

YO/LO,  if life is short then 

why are all our stories long

I'm still... and  maybe will 

always be writing our story 

this journey now so timeworn 

one I've tarried on for too long

it seems I must have forgotten 

where I was meant to be going

__________

Pic: Red Cedar walk with BigA

 

I wish you could hear

I sent a live version of this to the family chat, and I wish I could share it with mom and with everyone I know... Max and Scout would go bonkers for this (Huck is a princess).

This giant wall of ivy is alive with birds nesting and chirping... if you look carefully, you can see some flying around the periphery and especially towards the parapet.

________

Pic: MSU, Boss Day walk by myself.

Fall... into place

After my long week of work with multiple 12+hour days at work, I promised myself a chill, hedonistic (for me, at least) Saturday. So brunch plans with E.M. the Farmers' Market, and then a fundraiser for Sudan in the afternoon with L, which EM ended up coming to too. I love when my friends all like each other.

A fluffy omelette, some fresh veggies, a new bottle of honey (Nu told me that the more local the honey the better for allergies since your local bees are working with flora local to you!), a henna tattoo, and a mango kulfi later, I feel ready to continue to working on the Lahiri essay due for an anthology that I thought was "close to completion" about a month ago.

L gave me a ride to the fundraiser, but E.M. left first so I asked if I could get a ride back with her confessing that I had reached my limit for socializing for the day (L knows everyone and I couldn't handle any more introductions). And by the time we reached E.M.'s car, I was ready to be entirely by myself and told her I was going to walk home. 

And so I did.

Pic: It was a quintessential fall day, and this tree commencing with its one vibrant streak of fall color seemed to embody that on my walk home.