I wish I had more patience...

Big A and I worked on dredging the pond all day and he thinks (correctly) that we should let things dry before we repair, but I want to just go ahead and refill it up already.

I typed up a response to the Whistler text book club after dinner, but it seemed too late to text. I'm mentally hopping from foot to foot, waiting for it to be mid morning so we can unpack more delicious details.

The mango pickle I started (based on memories and vibes of my grandmother's) needs time to cure, but I keep opening the jar for just a little sniff.

The submissions to the project with EM are beginning to come in, and I love everything and just want to tell every author their submission is accepted although that won't be feasible.

Pic: Max adores Nu. I mean, he loves watermelon, but Nu, he just worships.

memoriam

I feel like          I will always be looking for you          don't know where to look for you          but I know every word           to your favorite song          I look at my body with some hesitation          but your favorite cake is now mine          at least these things will live happily ever after          it's an odd game, the going--          to be here in the brain's chorus and words          and so gone from the world

__________________

Pic: I haven't been to UU on Sundays since Scout (because sitting in silence makes me think of him and I prefer not to cry in public). But RDC, where I've been volunteering this summer, meets in the UU building. It was a "blast from the past" (as the family chat termed it) to see all our badges still sitting up there on the carousel.

born on the fourth

Happy fourth to anyone celebrating!

I was born on the fourth (of March), so today is my "Boss Day." I decided to protect my sanity today and take a news break to avoid having to see the people in charge. 

As if to cement this, yesterday's storm gave us some felled trees. The one across the driveway effectively walled us off from the world. No one was getting to us, and we weren't going anywhere.

Big A and I had a meditative retreat planned for today. I even wore all my crystals, expecting to find transcendence... Nothing. But I still had a peaceful good time though.

Another tree that fell in the back seems to have broken our pond and all the water is slowly emptying out. I'm so worried about the creatures that lived in there.

Pic: I felt like Sleeping Beauty when I woke up this morning to see I couldn't even see into the street. 

hello, this is tomorrow

It's a good thing, I suppose, that I spent all day at my new volunteer gig at RDC (Adult ESOL + First Steps) because I didn't have time to panic about the book reading and signing tomorrow. 

But now dinner is done, Nu is in their room, Big A is at work, and I'm ready to panic. (Max and Huck just don't get this kind of thing.)

I've done poetry readings before but that's with other people. This is my first book reading. What if choke or OMG... what if it's the most boring thing ever?!

I've forbidden Big A and Nu to come. If I'm going to flail, I'd rather do it in front of people I don't know, you know? But I think friends are going to be there although I have not (yet) shared this anywhere.

Pic: Flyer from the bookstore. I was happy to be asked. Really, really, hope it goes well. 

Fathers, First Heroes

A long FaceTime with my dad first thing in the morning. Everything about this post is so true and his hair is still so luxurious except strikingly all silver. Hopefully, that's me someday!

The rest of the day was trying to make sure that At and Nu remembered to do something nice for Big A and that Big A called his dad. I'd ordered a custom bracelet for Big A with all five kids' names on it (Scout too, naturally).

Flashback: At our rehearsal dinner, At (whose bio dad died when they were a toddler) asked if Big A could be "dad." And when we were having Nu, Big A legally adopted At so there would be no question in At's mind or anyone else's that he was truly dad. This was one of the things that made my mom love Big A so extra. Maybe me too.

Pic: A robin in a tree along the Red Cedar River. Father's Day walk with Big A. 

"Ammu, feeling vomitty"

Strong nausea all day yesterday, even through our anniversary dinner and I got through it all without spoiling it for Big A. But I was so bewildered by the timing of it, because no one else at home had it, and I was otherwise fine etc. 

Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)

And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.

Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her. 

"come back soon"

Anyone we said goodbye to--hosts, cab drivers, colleagues, random people we met--told us to "come back soon." Or they told us more forcefully that we HAVE to come back soon. That's more like it, actually. 

I'm already kinda dreaming of a trip with At (who just started a new job and couldn't make it this time) for the next time. 

We're getting ready for our 24-hour journey back home. We're all still just cabin luggage for our ten-day trip so there's not a lot to pack, but Nu and Big A are going to have to carry some presents home for me as their "personal items." Can't wait to pick up Max and Huckie from "Boarding School."

Pic: Every Greek street seemed lined with orange and lemon trees and all of them were laden with fruit. #Greece

"you could have lied"

E.M's colleague has an archaeological dig near Corinth, and they invited us to come for a visit. So I went off for the day with EM and we got a tour of a dig site from a real archaeologist who loves their work and introduced us to several other archaeologists and showed us so many relics dating back millennia (some 600 B.C.) and archaeology journals from the 1920s and 30s.

I geeked out big time all day in Isthmia and Corinth and got home rather late. And then I might have said it was the best day of the vacation. "Ouch" Big A said, "You could have lied." Ha.

Pic: I'm holding a cup from the Byzantium age in my own dang hand. I also saw a lamp, where the clay had been wet when the potter was handling it, so their fingerprint is deposited on it. From 2300 years ago! #Greece

"with a friend"

We took a boat trip across the Saronic Gulf to Aegina and Agistri today. I'll be looking at pictures and videos of the sea and skies for a long time... the blues are fairly incredible. Even in the moment, they seemed unreal. 

Hunting for the perfect pistachio ice cream as one does on Aegina, Nu and I stopped at a beautiful Byzantine church. (I light candles for Scout and my mama everywhere I go.) 

The elderly woman who had been cleaning some pictures stopped and marched up to me, and I got a bit nervous wondering if I'd forgotten to take off my hat or was sitting in the wrong chair... but it turned out that she just wanted to confirm that I was Indian and give me compliments and appear thoroughly devastated that we were there only for the day. (My conversations with Greek people are in the 100th percentile for sweetness, I swear.) 

She kept referring Nu as "my friend" although we both explained how we were related a couple of times, so I kept reminding Nu to be a good friend for the rest of the day. 

Pic: Big A's candid of my "friend" Nu and me on the boat. #Greece

"greasy dudes in Greece"

Trip to Delphi today. I don't think even the Oracle could have explained why the tour company gave us more than three hours at various convenience stops and and then just an hour at the ruins... and LESS THAN AN HOUR at the museum. I could spend an hour just on The Charioteer alone. 

On our way home, Nu and Big A decided to stay outside while I picked up some stuff at the grocery. But suddenly Big A was at my elbow asking me if I needed help to carry stuff out. I did not, but A did not like the guy who'd let me cut the line and was talking to me. Nu and A think I talk to too many "greasy dudes in Greece." I just talk to everyone is all.

Pic: My judgy crew. #Greece

"of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!"

When the taxi driver tried to confirm the address I'd copy-pasted into the app, I apologized about not being able to actually read what I'd pasted. 

He waved away my apology, forgiving everything with a breezy, "of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!" I've been smiling about his niceness and possible language shade.

After our presentation today, EM noticed that people say "Congratulations!" instead of "nice presentation" or whatever. It certainly feels way more celebratory. Lots of interest in the QR code for our CFP (It's been viewed over a 1000 times at this point!) Three people helped us get our slide deck on the screen, and each one had a keyboard that was in a different language (Greek, Portuguese, French). It felt like very transnational solidarity.

Pic: Cafe near the university. I experienced a pang of envy about not being able to recreate the beauty of the vining wisteria and bougainvillea at home. #Greece

"I am lucky to wake up and meet you today"

I don't want to jinx it, but I just have the nicest encounters in Greece. 

The first time I was here (by myself in 2019), my taxi driver in Athens was so excited to find out that I was traveling to Olympia the next day. He said that he was from Olympia and that I should go to the cafe right by the museum and let them know that Giorgos had sent me to say hello and that they would take care of me. In some places this would have been a prank, but he was so earnest and insistent, that I did indeed (diffidently) stop by the cafe the next day.

When I told the barkeep that Giorgos had sent me, he stopped what he was doing, and announced it to the whole cafe, and then everyone proceeded to cheer and drink to my health. The more I think about this, the more likely it seems that they may not have known who Giorgos was (and it's just George in Greek, so such a popular name too), but did not want me to feel stupid.

Today when I wandered off to find a cash machine (as the monasteries in Meteora don't accept cards), the woman whose shop the ATM was at, made such a fuss of me. "I am lucky to wake up and meet you today," she said after she gave me a small bag of cherries to share with Big A and Nu. 

Hospitality and unlooked for kindness every where I see here. 

I think often also of that 2018 Joanna Kakissis story on NPR where she talked about how her Greek family in Lesbos was trying to help Syrian and other refugees coming in across the Mediterranean as "the rest of the E.U. won't take them." 

Ancient Greek history has so much war, but all that's left now is the legendary Greek hospitality.

Pic: I'm up on a ledge, with an Omen-like sunbeam slicing me. But then, I have monasteries perched to my right and left. #Greece

"sway with me"

Walking down the street after conference registration, I almost lost it when a street musician struck up the chords to "Sway." It was one of my mom's favorite songs.

E.M. and I met up later to see an open-air theater play. It was an assembly of snippets (Medea, Antigone, a bit of Aristophanes, + Homeric lore). It was powerful. Especially the Medea. The Parthenon and sunset peeking over the skyline made it all extra amazing.

It felt a bit like going back in time, what with our glasses of wine (I spilled mine halfway through the show when there was a jump scare) and the actors in masks.

Pic: We were encouraged to take pictures, so I did. #Greece

"and after that she had a son by her husband... yeah, right"

I'd dreamed of bringing Big A to Epidaurus for a very long time. I remember so well the first time I encountered Epidaurus in Mary Stewart's Moonspinners, when I was in middle school. The idea that if the god of medicine, Asclepius, visited you in your sleep, you'd be healed was something I remind myself of every time my sleep schedule gets a bit more fucked.

But I wanted to bring Big A here because it seemed to be a place a doctor might geek out about. (He didn't, but he was very indulgent about my excitement. And I ditched him to go geek out by myself a bit later). It also has the best preserved amphitheater, with tremendous acoustics (you can hear a coin drop on the stage all the way up on the lip) and we enjoyed the climb after the very long drive.

One of the plaques described how Andromache of Epirus came to the sanctuary for offspring. She dreamed that a handsome youth lifted up her dress and that the god touched her belly. And that "and after that she had a son by her husband Arrybas." Yeah, right--we joked. And then later in the evening, I started to worry that it all sounded a bit rape-y. 

Pic: I can't even believe the blue of that sky. #Greece

Ah, Athens

Lots of adventures on our travels, yesterday: a canceled flight, being rerouted to Heathrow, 24+ hours of airports...

But we're here!

We checked in to our apartment, stocked up on food, unpacked, and got a good night's sleep.

This morning, we walked to the Acropolis to see the Parthenon. I will never, ever get over how small and excited I feel to be here.

Pic: Also, I didn't realize how tall Nu has gotten. #Greece

pere c'est police/Persepolis

The first text Big A sent me this morning was about how Marjane Satrapi had died. Over the course of the day, I came to learn it was probably from a broken heart after losing her partner of thirty years last year.

Persepolis changed my mind about so many things... including the graphic novel genre. I always thought I'd meet her someday, and might have if she wasn't gone too soon.

This quote really says so much: “If I have one message to give to the secular American people, it’s that the world is not divided into countries. The world is not divided between East and West. You are American, I am Iranian, we don’t know each other, but we talk together and we understand each other perfectly. The difference between you and your government is much bigger than the difference between you and me. And the difference between me and my government is much bigger than the difference between me and you. And our governments are very much the same.”

And because of the pun in the title, I found myself muttering Persepolis, Pere c'est police (Father police) under my breath a lot.

Pic: Max and Huckie wonder about my muttering.

THIS is still happening

I got tagged about the award on FB, and now everyone I know there thinks I'm verging on sainthood.

So embarrassing!

Oy Vetch

Yesterday I finished Sigrid Nunez's The Vulnerables in which after joking about how there are no ugly flower names people can name their kids, the protagonist nicknames a pandemic roommate with whom she is saddled "Vetch" (as in the weed).

Later in the day, trans friends talked another friend out of cosplaying a Harry Potter character. The friend said she wanted to "signal to people that I love the character, but reject JKR." And trans friends online said that every bit of visibility adds to JKR's support and coffers and that anyone engaging with the Harry Potter universe is tone deaf and ignorant at best and violently transphobic at worst. And asked how love of a fictional character could matter more than the real people she loved being harmed by JKR. Fair point. (This in addition to the racism, fatphobia, slavery, and other bigotry rampant in the HP books, of course.)

Because she seemed so crestfallen, I suggested Ursula K. Le Guin... she is genuinely wise, wrote tons, has several universes, is a gender visionary (The Left Hand of Darkness!), and the Earthsea Series is great for young readers. Then I reread the first book in the series--A Wizard of Earthsea--and was amused to be reminded that Ged has a friend called "Vetch."

WHAT are the odds of two Vetches in one day?!

suicide saints

Big A said this was my worst idea ever...

I find myself thinking of Aaron Bushnell, Tommie Raskin, and Aaron Schwarz, randomly, And I looked it up and they all kind of fall under the umbrella of altruistic suicides. Long ago, when I told bestie KB about my teenage habit of anorexia brought on by world famines, she told me about Simone Weil (KB has a religious studies background). I know what the undertow is for me here. 

Norman Morrison (Vietnam objector), Bobby Sands (IRA activist), several Tibetan nuns and monks, and the Tunisian street vendor who set himself ablaze and set off Arab Spring* are some of the others mentioned in the Wiki article.   

Anyway, my idea was to start a collage of "suicide saints" for my altar and Big A found the idea repugnant. He actually shuddered. 

Of course Sylvia Plath and Kurt Cobain are in my thoughts a lot too. They're probably in an artist category with Van Gogh...

*My dad loves that line from the Tamil poet and freedom fighter Bharathi, a blazingly idealistic visionary, who says, ""Thani Oru Manithanukku Unavu Illai/ Enil Intha Jagathinai Azhithiduvom” (if a single person doesn't have food, let's burn down this world). 

Pic: "Funambulist-Wire Walker" by John VanAlstine. Sculpture on MSU campus. 

songs move away from me

There was a time when every song was about me, sung to me, spoke to me, referenced me, made sense only in the context of my own life. 

I knew I was in a different phase of my life when songs became about other people in my life. Once upon a time, I would have been the "little girl" in a Depeche Mode song. But when toddler Nu was in a timeout, this part in "Enjoy the Silence" seemed so much about them:  "Oh, my little girl/All I ever wanted/All I ever needed/Is here in my arms/Words are very unnecessary/They can only do harm.

More recently when my amazing student KS did a thesis on The Power of Protest Music and Cosmopolitan Themes in Hozier Songs, I kept imagining meet-cutes for them and Hozier.

And this is so weird, but the Ariana Grande song whose second verse begins "And I know, and I know, and I know she gives you everything/ But, boy, I couldn't give it to you" has a chorus that reminds me of Scout and brings me to tears since the time I first heard it on the radio and paid attention... "So one last time/ I need to be the one who takes you home/ One more time/ I promise after that, I'll let you go." What I wouldn't give for one more time with Scout!

Pic: The Red Cedar.