three moms and three mommy dilemmas

Yesterday, I joined EM, EM's mom, and EM's mom's best friend at dinner to celebrate EM's mom's birthday. I loved hearing all the stories about Baby EM as much her mom loved telling them. (And also, I loved telling Big A that she told me to tell him that he was a very lucky guy.)

Today, I had a long tea with JG and she got kind of bashful at the end of our visit and then offered me some of her mom's jewelry, because she's always said that her mom (who passed away thirty years ago and I never got to meet) would have loved me. From everything I hear, the feeling's mutual. I was nearly moved to tears by the honor and and have picked out two pieces that I will treasure.

And this evening, in unexpectedly terrific news, my mom called to say she might make it to Nu's graduation party!

The thing is... I've been keeping a secret from her that I should probably disclose to her before she gets here. The secret's not wholly mine, but it's my mom, so I'm going to have to step up. That's dilemma #1. 

Friday is At's birthday. I was planning to do family dinner with At and then hurry to a fancy dinner I RSVPed "yes" to because I was nominated for a CASA award. (This is what the fam encouraged me to do, and they were going to accompany me too.) From the detailed itinerary I was sent this afternoon, however, it looks like I did NOT win the award. Would I be a dick if I changed my RSVP now? This is dilemma #2.

And finally, I will be far away from my kids on Mother's Day as I'm scheduled to be in the U.K with my travel Spring Term. Should we celebrate long distance, or arrange a M.U.M. Day (Make Up Mother's Day) as we did last year?

Pic: I love dandelions. Lately, I've been torturing myself with thoughts about having let Scout play in a nearby park with no dandelions, which means the place may have been sprayed with toxic chemicals, which means he may have ingested some, which means that may have caused his tumor, which means Scout would be alive if I had been a bit smarter. 

no doubt, no learning

no doubt, no learning, the guru says
these days flicker across your face
the sun dismantles every silence
and hangs up a chorus of desires 

made of bruises and credulousness 

a necklace of words around your throat

*

you don't even know that you're happy 
crying for something you can't recall

discovering circles of people

the drowned sounds of places

the burning earth, the world we made 
where everything can be turned into song 

________

Pic: The Red Cedar on my way back from breakfast yesterday. I love how this is from the bridge right in the center of the city and reportedly the most dangerous traffic intersection. But if I look away to my right, all is calm. 

Sunday moments

It was a beautiful day. I walked over to the breakfast spot where I was supposed to meet Engie for a long, leisurely, and luxurious breakfast. It feels like we're old pals at this point as this is meeting #3? 4?  

I listened to the Sinners soundtrack on repeat and argued with At about a lot of close readings and easter eggs in the movie... When she sent me a "Good Morning, Sinners" meme," I archly responded by reminding everyone that vampires can't do mornings. It may have been my finest moment.  

No. Actually, my finest moment was when I finally stopped fidgeting with the spacing and margins on the Spring Term syllabus and hit publish. I'm so excited to see everyone in the classroom again tomorrow.

Jeanie's partner Rick was hosting a classical guitar duo concert at his home and I was looking forward to seeing Jeanie for the second time this week. But I was mistaken in thinking the concert was in the evening--it was in the afternoon. Alas, Big A had tickets to the Pistons-Knicks playoffs in Detroit, so we weren't able to make it. It was a tragic and controversial loss for the home team... (Look at me parroting stuff like I know what that means.)

Pic: Big A's pic of the messy end of the Pistons-Knicks game today. 

Stream-of-consciousness Saturday

The NEH-funded medical-humanities conference I was so happy about being accepted to got canceled because their funding got canceled. 

Unrelatedly, EM and I started another proposal. I like how we work together on a document--throwing words and phrases on there and then randomly picking things up to stitch them together--it feels a bit like a sewing circle, honestly.

Suture-removal from surgery will happen on Wednesday... my mind has decided to start panicking about that. 

I could panic about the Spring term class that starts Monday, but my syllabus is so neat and the schedule is color-coded and looks so pretty, I'm kinda excited to share it with my students.

Also excited about the new backpack and new shoes I got to replace the multi-year, multi trip old timers.

Big A and I went to see Sinners again. In IMAX, no less. There's a story there about colonialism I want to unspool and the music is stunning. I found new things to be surprised by in that one time-meld sequence. 

Also surprising: I know I already met two bloggers this week, but I'm going to meet two bloggers again tomorrow. Quite the week! 

Pic: The hyacinths are here and their fragrance is heady.

please clap

People have probably been at protests and marches today, but it was commencement today at school, so that's where I was.

I'm so inordinately proud of my students. Even if someone has had just the one class with me, I'm so happy for them and excited to see them robed, getting their diploma. We have a gauntlet at the end of the ceremony (we have a gauntlet that bookends their opening convocation too) where we clap the students out to the sound of our homegrown bagpipers and it's one of my favorite traditions. It's a good thing we're a small school, because I'll clap earnestly for every student going on stage whether I know them or not. 

Pic: A colleague took this pic and said I looked "stupid happy." "Are you happy someone is leaving?" they quipped. Actually, I'm sad I won't see some amazing students as they head off into the world. And I'm thankful for the kind cards some of them gave me. I'll treasure all of it forever.  

Post title from that Jeb Bush moment. Remember when that was funny? Also: One of my secret superpowers is that I'm good at getting applause going in a crowd. That first person who starts clapping? That's sometimes me.

Happy New Year!!

Yes, really! I said what I said.

It's Tamil New Year and Asian solar new year through much of the planet today. I am grateful for this reset, I am thankful for the pause. I heard from people I haven't heard in a while, I celebrated with family and friends, I made an Indian feast, I had a pooja.

Democracy is breaking down in the White House and various other things are breaking down in my house, but I'm reassured by Harvard University's resolve not to "surrender its independence or relinquish its constitutional rights" and even more heartened by the 80-something way less affluent colleges and universities that signed an amicus brief opposed to threats against people for lawful speech. Among these, I was charmed to see good old Antioch in Yellow Springs (always on the right side of history!) and other places I've adjuncted including The University of Dayton and Michigan State University.

Pic: I stopped at Lake Lansing Park for a short walk and a few minutes of meditation in the midst of the lapping water on this beautiful day.

"when you like something, you want more, you want more"*

It's Nu's Boss Day, but I ended up spending more one-on-one time with At today who was in town for a dental appt. We had the best time (walk, massages, bookstore). When I dropped At off, she wanted me to go on another walk and stay for tea, but I had to head to the monthly faculty meeting. 

At kept coming up with reasons to stay--the weather was perfect for walking, the book we hadn't finished discussing (Sophie Lewis's Enemy Feminisms), another random thing At wanted to say about a connection between Kafka and Lispector... Tearing myself away was hard. It's going to get harder if At gets one of the jobs she's applied for in Seattle.

Pic: Last-day photo of my women's lit seminar. (Photo posted with requested permission.) Every time I look at this photo, I find myself smiling back. I have so much love for my students... but look at those smiles, they make it so easy. I'm looking forward to traveling to the U.K. with some of them next month on our Spring Term.

* The post title is from this old AT&T commercial that we used to quote all the time.

grateful

Grateful no one was hurt when Nu's school was hit by lightning. Some computers sparked, the fire alarms went off, and everyone had to go stand outside in the pouring rain. (And Nu got a good story out of it.)

Grateful for all the hard work my students do. Yesterday, five of them presented their research papers and posters at Honors Day. (And my academic advisee won the graduating senior trophy!)

Grateful for academic freedom (so far). I'm on a few lowkey watchlists, but haven't been censored or censured (yet). The talk I gave was critical of the administration and... I shared the panel with colleagues who were similarly critical. (However, colleagues have told me I should scrub my social media when I travel abroad.)

Grateful for my Boss Day today--we got takeout Thai food for dinner. And lunch tomorrow. (I guess this effectively ends my month of claiming birthday privilege.)

Pic: Grateful for the splash of reds and pink from the very twiggy geraniums I got for free from a local nursery five years ago. (It was the end of the outdoor season and they were going to compost them). 

things I should remember

 ...L's birthday! I ordered her gift ahead of time and everything, and still forgot on the day. She's usually in Oregon at this time of the year, but that's no excuse... I feel so bad and I'm groveling hard. 

...That not everyone knows who Scout is. So when I was telling people I just met (a student's mom, a friend of a friend) about how I can't go to UU anymore because sitting in silence makes me think of Scout and then I start crying, they thought Scout was... my husband!  (Also, the topic came up organically and I was lowkey laughing at myself, I swear--I'm not buttonholing random folk to trauma dump on them.)

...The universities that are doing what they need to do. Tufts is declaring support for their detained student, Georgetown University is doubling down on their DEI citing their Jesuit mission. 

...Yes, it's terrifying that three Yale professors who study authoritarianism, including Timothy Snyder whose On Tyranny has been so instructive, have decamped for Canada because of the current political climate in the U.S.

...It's important to remember there are more academics right here and that it's time to get serious about action and solidarity. As Siva Vaidyanathan reminds us in this article in The New Republic. "Columbia University did not fail academia or the country; only its temporary leaders did. The strength of the university remains committed to resisting and doing good work for society. More than 100 faculty members and students have been protesting the university’s decision to fold, each risking admonishment or worse from the administration. Many have been writing publicly against their bosses. That is courage. That is solidarity. It’s a 90-minute train ride from New Haven to Manhattan. One would have hoped Yale professors upset with Columbia would join their colleagues on the streets of Morningside Heights rather than drive up the Queen Elizabeth Way to Toronto." 

Well said. 

Pic: Blue Heron on the banks by the rapids of The Red Cedar. 

Trans Day of Visibility Rally

An up and down kind of day--I guess that's the way it is when your opportunities for community and solidarity are hemmed in by the big events and policies beyond your control that makes them necessary.

Off to the Trans Day of Visibility Rally at the Capitol today with L and Nu. There were such great signs at the rally today and people were happy to be photographed with with them when I asked (I'm documenting for L's newsletter). But one parent said that their kid was nervous about being photographed, and while I completely understand, it made me quite sad.

Today's rally was designed to be celebratory and joyful, which is why I invited Nu... but I think it still felt a bit overwhelming and they needed some time over the evening to go off by themselves to decompress. They were telling me later how they had such great hopes for the country in 2020, but feel defeated now. It's a bit depressing outright miserable to hear a 17-year-old think and talk like that. At got there just as we three were leaving the capitol and met up with us later at the house for dinner. 

I'd originally planned to have a great, big gathering at our house, like we used to after the Women's Marches.  But I scaled things back as I didn't know if my scratched eye would be healed (It's 90% healed, BTW!). We ended up with a tableful of guests and just after we said goodbye to the second carful, the emergency sirens began going off for tornadoes+thunderstorms. I went out again to call our guests back to shelter in the basement (as we were about to) but only got taillights. I was glad to get the texts about where people were sheltering a few minutes later. 

Pic: I've never seen "Cistem" before, and I love it. 

proud teacher

I've been skulking around campus like an obnoxious person of mystery in sunglasses because I scratched my cornea two days ago (while helping myself to a tissue!!). And because it hurts, I've been heading home early and missed the faculty bake-off yesterday and the reception to celebrate LV's tenure today... Boo. 

But I love this part of the semester because students are working on their research projects and I love seeing how fired up they're getting and all the ideas and connections that are taking off. Who knows where that will go. A paper on Baldwin's Sonny's Blues from last year's critical theory class just won first place in Sigma Tau Delta's (the English honorary society's) international convention that concluded in Pittsburgh last week and the society's journal editor asked the student if they could publish it! 

Pic: At the WGS Symposium with one of my student's projects about rehabilitating body dysmorphia in dancers. Their point is that as dancers they always stare at themselves critically in the studio mirror so they wanted to use the mirror as a canvas to enable dancers to write empowering complimentary words for themselves and others.

And on compliments: A couple of weeks ago, when I gave the talk about the Trump administration's rhetoric, a student told me their friend who'd come to the talk with them said I was pretty and had terrific hair--I got so self-conscious, that instead of saying thank you and moving on, I blathered on about but did they like my talk. The next day, Lisa said something nice about my hair as well, and that weekend I reacted awkwardly when something similar happened. L's advice: "A simple thank you will suffice."

"keep fighting the good fight"

Today, I finally got to teach the class I was supposed to teach in prison last October. I was a bit concerned about building rapport with a bunch of adults I'd never met before within the space of a class period, but it went great.

Things that stuck with me:

• In pre-class training, the liaison said that if anyone held the door open for me, I should wave them through first--I shouldn't let anyone walk behind me. (And then they assigned me a Personal Protection Device with an emergency button.)
• But apart from some people in the hallway who were gawking at the classroom, everyone was welcoming and respectful.
• When I mused out loud that the classroom didn't have a clock (and as no smart phones are allowed in the building, I didn't have mine), one of the students gave me his watch to use.
• How eager my students were to laugh at my silly jokes. My kids could stand to take some lessons on how they did NOT roll their eyes. Ha.
• But seriously, 100% of the class wanted to be there, had done their homework, and were active participants.
• How dependent they were on forces completely out of their control--whether the program would continue or not, whether they'd receive funding or not, if people would find the time and inclination to come visit/teach them or not.
• What they said about freedom, the way rehabilitations had been rolled back, how when you grow up hearing gunshots every day, you don't even think to duck. 
• How in the space of two hours, I was already assigning place values to the students as the philosopher, the historian, the memoirist, the media consultant and so on.
• The new things I learned in these texts I've read a zillion times--from my reading of course--but more importantly from the ways other people read, shared, and built on in community. I love this part of teaching so much.
• How they must have picked up on the small coded things I said (there was an official observer in class) about the carceral system, restorative justice, needing a Malcolm in order to have the government negotiate with a Martin, etc. When I answered their question about why I was there, I got a deep "I understand" from the person who asked it. And at the end of the class when we we were taking the desks from the circle and putting them back into the mandated and regimented rows (metaphor much?) three students shook my hand and told me to "keep fighting the good fight."

I will. 

Lots of moving parts to the prison education program currently, but I want to keep being involved. Surprisingly Big A, who usually supports everything I want to do, was a bit taken aback when I mentioned taking this on as an extra class and wondered if I might need to pace myself. 

(Also, I don't like shaking hands. If I resort to my heritage and start offering namastes instead--would that be rude?)

Pic: Spring is really coming! A sunshiny-bright patch of crocuses on the MSU campus.

that it's only a doorway, that I'm only a door

So I go bravely before memory
pet my parents so gently
and secretly check 

that they breathe

the day begins or it does not
I can no longer joyride

on his shoulders or
straddle her hip

I fly them in on my thoughts
my rictus of yearning 

like a formal exit 

finding a soul

to write them everywhere 

like graffiti, follow

them everywhere 

like a ghost

______________

Note: There was a period in childhood where I was terrified my parents would die in their sleep. (They were perfectly healthy; everyone's parents in books were always dying though.) I would usually check their breath from the doorway of their bedroom. But my mom says she's woken up to me standing by her bed. (I might have died if I woke up to find someone staring down at me.)

____________________

Pic: Nu and I loved this puzzle we found at the bookstore, and we loved that someone had already put all the pieces together!

Oh, and Happy World Poetry Day!

shashay all day

One of the big reasons Nu wanted to come with me to work was because there was a drag show in town. 

One of the cute things that happened when we went to Admitted-Students' Day last week, was that we bumped into Nu's kindergarten bestie KM. Nu and KM might share a floor as college first-years! Anyway, Nu and KM made plans to hang out at the drag show this evening, and I even got to take them to the bookstore for soup and a sandwich before the show.

Nu liked being in class this morning where one of the things we talked about was why drag freaks powerful people out so much. (Ans. Because it transgresses what society tells us is possible. If we start imagining other possibilities, where will we stop? What if we imagine our way to better healthcare or out of tyranny?)

Anyway, the show was brilliant. And the student organization that organized the show and generously invited us was also absolutely brilliant. The queens are an ensemble out of Detroit, but the DJ is a (Fulbright short-listed) student and it was fun to see them behind a computer as I would in class, just doing very different stuff. The students seemed to have thought of EVERYTHING--on our table were sparkly beads, fun mocktails with umbrellas and crazy straws, zany club glasses, and EVEN cash for us to give to the dancers!

At the end of the night, one of the queens--Jewel Jubilee--said how it was a tough time to be visibly queer in this country, but that as she looked across the young faces in the room she felt strong and that by standing up for each other, we'll all make it through. That's the only time I cried yesterday.

Pic: Two shots of brilliance. 

from A(ssiduous) to Z(en)

Just a few busy weeks to the end of the semester... Research meetings, a workshopping forum, a town hall, and a standing committee meeting crowded this non teaching day. Then I went home for dinner, and hosted our Women's History Month keynote speaker online. There were two Zoom mishaps and I dropped my laptop on my face and now have a swollen lip (what a klutz!!).

After the talk, I skipped off to trivia night where Big A, EM, SD, AH, and DV were doing great without me. The only question I could have helped them get was about Claudette Colvin. We ended up placing third in a tie-breaker.

Nu's coming to my classes with me tomorrow. Talk about observation anxiety... I better get to sleep.

Pic: Ooops! I didn't take any pictures today, but this is yesterday's sunrise just as I got to work. I took it from the top of the stairs to the theater building. All golden and zen.

trash turtles all the way down

I was worried about a dear friend who'd had open heart surgery last week. It made me feel a little better when I got to see their dear face while I dropped off some medication I'd picked up (they can't be alone, so I could either stay with them while their partner picked up the meds or pick up the meds while their partner stayed with them). 

I hadn't heard a peep out of my mom or sis for a whole day. So when the phone rang around 2 am, just as I was putting the puppies and the house to bed, I freaked the fuck out because I thought something was wrong with either my friend or my mom and dad. But no, it was just my mom calling to chat. I think she was a bit thrown off by DST too? Anyway. 

After that, I kept trying to read myself to sleep. Big A was at work, and then he texted to say he'd been attacked by a patient. That was it for sleep last night. I was so sad and worried for him and made him send me pictures and cried over all the scratches and bruises I could see.

And I got to hear the whole story today... I am sad for the patient suffering a psychotic episode in prison and then again in the hospital. I am sad for the security guard who gets paid minimum pay and is expected to put his life on the line--he got attacked first and Big A was trying to help him him when he got attacked too. There are no villains here. It's just awfulness all the way down. I'm just thankful there were no guns involved.
_______________________________
Pic: This made me laugh when I went thrifting this weekend because I needed new books for our Little Free Library (I got some awesome ones). I didn't get these books. They both have the same title--One Bite at a Time--it's just that they couldn't be more different in content: one is a book of recipes for cancer survivors and their caregivers and the other a collection of horror short stories!

round and round we go

Happy St. Patrick's Day! The U.S. Military under the new Defense Secretary has banned cultural awareness celebrations like Black History and Hispanic Heritage, but celebrated St. Patrick's Day today. Oh what could the difference be? I wonder if I can spot it?! 

Seriously though, I'll not begrudge any celebrations of the Irish, who are consistently on the right side of postcolonial and decolonial history. Including today, where there were huge marches for Gaza everywhere in Ireland and their Prime Minister said that he would honor the ICC's arrest warrant if Netanyahu were on Irish soil. 

Which leads me to today's despair: Israel has resumed its bombing of Gaza and 86 children have died in an hour. I don't want to go back to last year and its ceaseless toll of children dying by the hour, my unending vigil and anguish, having to face the goddam cruelty and grief in this world. 

I can't explain the righteous outrage and fear coursing through so many private conversations these days around detentions and "disappearings" of student leaders and dissenters. Over and over again, people are debating if silence / unawareness / disregard is the better option. What can I say... You know that Niemöller poem that begins "first they came..."? It's not a very long poem, is what I'm saying.

Pic: Nu and Big A in the foreground with other students and families in the background at the "Admitted Students' Day" event this weekend. I want to take a moment to celebrate my Nu and their excitement about going to college in the fall. Truly, I did not imagine they'd be so excited... Nu even checks the college cafeteria menu on the online portal every day... it's adorable.  

Helping--Period

Lysne Beckwith Tait, founder of Helping Women Period and author of Instigator: Creating Change Without Being the Loudest Voice in the Room visited my class today. She is wonderful and fun and I find her story of starting a non profit addressing period poverty over the course of a week inspiring. She's responsible for some big changes in Michigan--like getting the tampon tax repealed.

And her "menstrual products petting zoo" is always a big hit. Reusable period products like cups, discs, and period underpants are usually in clamshell packaging in stores. Her "petting zoo" lets people get a feel of the products.

Her anecdote about having a booth at a true crime convention and noticing all the people dressed up as serial killers skirting the period supplies booth is hilarious. I will say menstruation holds little stigma for our current crop of young people. I love that they'll just dig around in their backpacks for a tampon in the middle of class and leave holding it openly. 

The big tip Lysne gave us about affecting change is to decide what change we want to see and then listen to many perspectives on how to affect that change. "Take your ego out of it." Sounds like good but tough advice. 

Pic: Lysne with my class. I love the sassy picture of Lysne we have up on the screen as well!

"Live your life as you meant to live it"

"Live your life as you meant to live it..." That was the response that a fellow panelist gave to a student's question about whether it made sense to apply for a Fulbright scholarship now that federal funding is being pulled and the Department of Education is being disbanded. I thought it was a wonderful reminder not to obey/comply/be defeated in advance. 

I think the talk went well. It was a full house, and I have to love the students who whooped at the end of my presentation and then promptly left. But I'm grateful to be working with colleagues who care about students and our world. 

Note to myself. I've got to stop spending hours upon hours on a presentation that lasts mere minutes, right? But lots of people wanted my slides, so perhaps it will live on in that way. 

Pic: My jasmine is blooming! It's glorious!

everything's still on fire, but at least it's not so cold?

...and everything's an hour earlier because of DST, but at least I got to see this beautiful sunrise on the Maple River on my way to work?

Now it's late and I'm up prepping for my panel talk about the first 50 days of the Trump administration. 

Rather than squandering attention and energy on the administration's own use of language, which is mostly bad faith and bluster, I'm choosing to focus on how to use language to build community and solidarity in the resistance.

This is the description I sent the organizers: 

“Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down: Rhetorics of Resistance to the Trump Administration 2.0” will reframe how resistors use verbal and visual rhetoric to organize information, laughter, courage, and counter-memory to resist and counteract the administration’s barrage of bluster and dehumanization. The presentation will focus on the warrant of resistance, the emphases of satire and subversion, the support of counternarratives, and the appeals of solidarity and calls to action. We’ll look at examples from a range of modalities, including maps, flags, crochet, speeches, book displays, annotation, memes, newsletters, poetry, and so on, in order to explore how compassion, solidarity, and humanistic mutual aid are—and can be—practiced.

I better go do all the stuff I said I'd do. Wish me luck!