Friday, October 13, 2023

heartbreak and gratitude

This James Baldwin quote is reverberating in my head as I catch up with the news today. "The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; and I am beginning to suspect that whoever is incapable of recognizing this is incapable of morality." How are we all just sitting around watching genocide in real time?

I spent over ten hours at work, on campus. I find myself thinking that when I'm an empty nester, I'll have more time to do stuff--like travel with students on alternative service breaks, do more on-campus organizing, etc. Sometimes, I hear another internal voice saying "Ugh, get a life." But I like this life. 

Big A went to the E.R. today (as a patient) to get a CAT scan, and we're both just so relieved and grateful that it wasn't what we'd feared it was. He has something and he's lost 20 pounds in the last six weeks and it's unclear what the next steps will be, but he's not going to die right away. I'm glad; I like him a lot.

In different conversations with At and Nu, I found myself so grateful that their convictions and the way they act on them is so... pure and principled. As SS said to me, imagine if they had rebelled against their upbringing and grown up to be bigots--I can't imagine it. Won't. Also grateful for my CASA kids whose birthday week it is, and who are such kind and joyful little ones despite all kinds of fuckery in their immediate circles.

Pic: Huck and Max after I put them in their room for the night. I love the way Huck is leaning into Max. Grateful they really like each other now.

6 comments:

Sarah said...

I have been really reluctant to engage in any kind of online talk about geopolitics right now, but your comments really resonate.

Glad the scan was ok!

Nicole said...

Maya, I didn't know you were carrying such a heavy load in terms of Big A. I didn't realize his health has been not great lately. I know - I KNOW! - from experience how stressful this is. So I'm sending love to you during this time, glad the scans are okay, but I know how hard this is. R went through a few things - one back in 2018, and one just before we moved, when it looked like it could be cancer - and all is well but I KNOW THE PAIN OF THIS. If you ever need to talk I'm here.

StephLove said...

The world is a horrifying place sometimes. I don't know what to say about it.

I'm glad the CAT scan didn't reveal anything bad and hope you get to the bottom of what's going on soon.

NGS said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about A's health woes. It's so difficult when the diagnosis is uncertain. Hugs to you and your family!

Gillian said...

Good luck.

maya said...

Thank you, friends.

strange new world

Weird how a day can begin like every other and then end up as something unknown. A is sick and in the hospital. It feels like being in a par...