some media prompts and thoughts

Nu showed me this one: Google search "let's with mama" and click on the images tab. You'll get a bunch of cute pictures of animal mamas and babies doing cute, cuddly things together. Toddler Nu used to love "Mama and Baby" toys and pictures and I'm tickled to see that fondness made it to adulthood. 

We saw Weapons last week, and I've decided that I DO NOT LIKE it. There is a thread of ableism and ageism there I resent. IYKYK.

I am sad that And Just like That is going away. It wasn't a particularly good show, although it wasn't as terrible as this review makes it out to be, and I was mostly watching it out of nostalgia. And--after years of calling it "And so it Goes" and "That's What She Said"--I had just learned to say the name of the show right too. 

Saved the best for last. This spoken word piece by Sam Browne called "Guts" uses "dead babies" as an anaphora is heartbreaking, real, and amazing.

Pic: The koi pond at Radiology Gardens. Walk with L. 

a season of goodbye

We drop Nu off at college on Wednesday--that's coming up fast! I'm fueled by excitement for Nu and an ever-expanding to-do list before drop-off and the approach of back-to-school duties of my own. I know I'll get to Wednesday just fine... but I wonder how it'll feel coming back home after drop off.

Sometimes I'm curious about how it might feel not to be a full-time parent after 26 years of being one. Max and Huck are much easier than Nu--perhaps it'll feel... liberating?At other times I'm deeply aware of what an immense shift this is and know that things will never ever be the same again. Even though there will probably be plenty of visits and summers spent at home...

Pic: Lots of dinners this week so Nu can say goodbye to people. I forget what the joke was here (it doesn't look like poor Max was in on it either :)!) Pic by E.M.

going back where I came from

I could  lose  myself 

in much lonelier ways 

wandering on between 

no and now and nowhere

but then you tell me to go 

back where I came from 

I understand your animus

curled tight like my fist  

but I pretend confusion

& enact comic indecision:

all the way back to heaven
or just up my mom's vagina?

________________________________

Pic: Baker Woods looking magnificent. Walk with L.

Felony? Sounds like baloney

Yesterday, dear Subway Steph who lives in D.C. tipped me off that a man standing outside a Subway restaurant in D.C. was "charged with assaulting a federal agent with a sandwich."

This is so ridiculous. Are they going to pretend that a federal agent wearing a tactical vest was in danger from a sandwich? 

Isn't it extra ridiculous that they're making more noise about this than the murders of Minnesota senator Hortman and her husband who were assassinated in their home in June?

My mind kept coming up with more ridiculous responses all day:

Assault with a sandwich? Bite me.

Buddy, you're... toast.

Did you want a donut instead?

Is it a felony because it was a footlong? Would it have been a misdemeanor if it was a six-inch?

Pic: In my "Writing About Social Issues in Unprecedented Times" class earlier this evening. I'm better at photographs when I'm not the one taking them!

a song to follow

I  know it can't  be summer forever

these anonymous days will end soon 

and though today I talk of happiness

tomorrow we will plan a resistance 

with 

voices 

eyes 

hands

the breeze 

lifting 

us like joy 

(or dismay)

the world is so loud with trouble 

and yet we feel almost immortal 

spreading like rumors, we wade in

knowing there's still time to be taken 

________________________________

Pic: It's almost as if it will stay summer forever... I'm so grateful for sunshiny light, for things growing madly, and for bird visitors. And yet, the news out in the world continues to be so dire...

Real talk

Blog friends... Thank you for your gentle check-ins! Nicole just talked to me about The God of Small Things for a couple of days. I do similar check-ins with At all the time.

What timing... Federal control of Washington D.C. with National Guards taking over mere hours after we returned home. The president's claims about rising crime and homicide are all false, BTW. 

Countdown to Nu leaving for college... NINE days!

Big A is on the mend... But I've thought that before. 

Pic: Huck's a real fan of brunch time conversations.

memories of new friends

On Saturday, I was happy to meet two online friends in person.

Steph who writes at AllForTheLoveOfYou playfully described how she sometimes thinks of blogger friends as "imaginary friends." But I met Steph in person in Takoma Park... we both exist! We got beverages and talked and talked about teaching, writing, kids, activism, and on and on. Steph seemed exactly how I imagined her from her writing--beautiful, wise, funny, and very serene underneath it all.

I also met the Steph who sometimes describes herself in the "comments" as "Subway Steph" because she sends me virtual Subways sandwiches when I'm having a bad day. Steph made me a two-page list of things to do in D.C., so I'm going to have to come back! I was so grateful and moved by the attention Steph gave to this task--for instance, in recommending Busboys and Poets, Steph said it was activist-y and that sounded like the sort of thing my family might be into. 

We met at Zaytinya the restaurant of Chef José Andrés (of World Central Kitchen) and later I took the fam to dinner at Yellow (also a Steph recommendation). People couldn't stop raving about the food. Big A said it was the best food he'd ever eaten. Steph is so young, and I'm a big believer in intergenerational friendships, so this whole interaction made me so happy. I love knowing people like her are looking out for the future of the world and people in need.  

Pic: My selfie skills are sucky, but Steph and I were all smiles.

A diamond

Although I didn't get to celebrate my MIL's 75th with her this weekend, I got to celebrate SD's diamond birthday with a houseful of her family and friends. SD is my lovely, and probably my first American, friend who has seen me through widowhood, single parenthood, and so much more, saving me over and over again. 

We disagree about some things right now, but she'll listen to my rant and heartbreak, and she always ends every conversation by reminding me that she loves me.

The party was huge, and I took a breath before I dove in. I know SD's kids and some of her friends but there were so many people there... but then no one can ever stay a stranger in a Jewish home, in my experience. It was the best time, and I got dropped back to my hotel well after midnight.

Pic: SD's son, who works at the Kennedy Center, made an animated video about her life that I loved. The likeness was remarkable. For comparison, SD is the one in the gold sari next to me in this photo. 

visiting Minè Okubo on the 80th anniversary of Nagasaki

My MIL turned 75 in January, and she was ecstatic to hear that there was a Minè Okubo retrospective at the Smithsonian because of the family connection.

That got us started planning a 75th birthday bash in D.C. Then MIL had a mini stroke and couldn't travel, At dropped out because of heartbreak, and Big A was very sick this week...

But some of us made it to this beautiful exhibition  on the 80th anniversary of the bombing of Nagasaki and it was a poignant reminder of how much the past is with us. Minè Okubo worked for the U.S. government and her brother was a member of the U.S. military, but she and the rest of her Japanese-American family were nevertheless forcibly incarcerated in internment camps after Pearl Harbor. 

(I've been feeling so insecure, I carried my passport along with my Real ID for travel this time.)

Pic: Nu, Big A, and Aunt R at the exhibition.

on our way/up, up and away

Big A rallied and we're on our way!

I'm so grateful for my kind blog friends who checked in on me because I haven't posted in a couple of days.

Pic: Clouds from the plane. I'll never take for granted how magical this view is.

snarl/ensnarled

Pic: Things are blooming in the garden, but also I wanted to document this giant spiderweb. It's mostly invisible, until you follow the threads from the right of the picture to the center.

Feeling very entangled in uncertainty and anxiety right now.
 

Urgent Care this Morning; E.R. in the evening

Big A seemed to be recovering fine yesterday and suddenly needed so much medical help today. I'm lowkey terrified about his health and way down on that scale of anxiety is the worry if we're going to make it to D.C., a short trip on which we've already spent a ton.

1/2 happy news, sadness 1/2 suicide, genocide (C.W.)

Huck's bloodwork came back within the normal range! I was so nervous to pick up the call from the vet, but it was ok in the end. 

(Scout and Huck had been taking monthly pills--one for flea and tick protection and another for heartworm prevention for years. Max, however, hates meds and Huck learned his bad behavior and had started spitting out meds too. We've now switched to a yearly injection for heartworm and monthly application for flea/tick--you apply the liquid along the spine and it absorbs into their systems, apparently. Huckie was probably exposed in that little gap of two weeks between spitting out her meds and the new prescription. Kids! Sigh.)

I continue to be sad. I continue to do the things that need doing. We finished up dorm shopping for Nu today. They said a few things that felt dismissive and instead of just taking it in stride as one does, I sort of shut down and feel like I ruined their day. I wish I could redo today. 

I wish I could redo a lot of stuff, actually. A "fresh start," as my kids loved to say.

Pic: A blue heron in the Red Cedar River from my walk yesterday.

________________________________

for after all, I came without my body

for SLE, 1996-2025, Seattle

I keep going back in the darkness

to stand on the bridge together

a bit too close... for comfort 

not too proud to tell you

I'm afraid, I can't swim

your laughter is silent 

as if the seagulls 

made off with it 

your troubled hand 

squeezes mine hard 

messages the sadness--

of our long stories, short lives  

and you tell me not to be scared

it's such a long way down, you say

it'll be over before we know it--I see

in a moment--how to be free of my body 

______________________________________

Note: I have a lot of conversations with SLE in my head now that I can't have them with her. After she broke up with At, I wanted to reach out, but decided to wait a few weeks because I didn't want to seem disloyal to At. Then she was gone before those weeks were up. I wonder what it might have been like if we'd talked. 

Also, four people in Gaza have told me in the last couple of days that they cannot find any food to buy even with donations--I fear that they are also slipping away.

and other stories

I think I told a story that wasn't entirely mine to tell yesterday. I may have to scrub it soon; I'm sorry. 
*
Overall, a better day today although I did cry--once when the Chappell Roan song "Casual" played on the radio. A few months ago, At and I had joked about how I'm probably like the mom in that song who has no chill and invites the person her kid is casually dating to her house after only two weeks. SLE and I got serious about each other pretty quickly. I can't believe or get over how I will never see her again.
*
Nu and I took Max and Huck to the vet for their yearly heartworm shots today. The books we collected for the waiting room made me chuckle--it was the latest Hunger Games book for me and the collected works of Audre Lorde for Nu and not vice versa as one might reasonably expect. 
*
It was the 101st birth anniversary of James Baldwin this weekend, so I read some Baldwin and lit my devotional candle. And it was my Boss Day today, so I took myself for a long walk, bought myself some perennials that were on end-of-season sale for fall planting, and got Thai food for dinner.
*
Pic: Huck likes to climb on furniture because she's the shortest in the family. She wasn't happy to hear the vet say she may have been exposed to a tick bite (blood test results will clarify tomorrow). But she's happy to hear that big sib At will be hanging out with her and Max this weekend and they don't have to go to "boarding school" as she calls it.

close up

As StephLove rightly surmised, my fears about At visiting Arizona were tied to both brownness and transness. And while carrying a passport would help establish citizenship, it might have opened up a whole set of questions about gender. I would, of course, have some worry about my young adult child traveling by themselves, but these fears are very much based in 2025 USA, and especially places like Arizona. I would be less concerned if At were visiting Los Angeles or Seattle, for instance.

Speaking of which, I'd mentioned a while ago that At might be moving to Seattle. I may not have mentioned that it was to move in with SLE. So that is not happening. 

And At may not be going to SLE's memorial service this weekend in Arizona either. When At enquired about the address, her family wrote back that it was going to be "a small, family event not open to outsiders". At is freshly brokenhearted over this. I told her that the family is grieving in their own way and that she ought to respect their wishes. Which is 100% how I feel. And also, if they're going to be hostile to her, that's another reason not to go. At and SLE's foster sisters and friends should plan their own memorial service. 

Pic: I love this bird feeder that suctions on to the window and lets me see birds, like this cardinal, close up. I thought it might make Max and Huck a bit bonkers, but they barely notice.

I keep the yesterdays

for  the sake of  this photo 

every moment is surrender 

for I am eager and take too

many--yet each avid echo

                                         remains and ruins

                                         edits and evades 

                                        all capture while

                                        I,  a wakeful and

                                        fading hunter 

unbearably full of bravado 

persist--if only I could focus 

on edging meaning with light

I'd see how visions can return

                                        in the breaks

                                        from seeing--

                                        stitching up 

                                        our aging nows 

                                       and aching forevers  

_______________

Pic: Yes, I did take way too many photos of the sunset yesterday. 

"Michiterreanean"

The beach was calling, so today was a beach day with friends. A late lunch, the art fest in Grand Haven, and then we flopped on the sand until it was dark and time to go home.

Seeing how "the third coast" is a thing, we wonder if we can make "Michiterranean" happen.

Pic: Beach selfie. I know I'l be thankful for this reminder of sand, sunset, lake breeze, and book time in a few months.

tripping

everything today feels like it has happened before
before you leave, I fix your smile in my mind
the scent of your forehead from babyhood 
any other time it would be just my love

this time in urgency, I stoop to say

carry your passport with you

and text me a copy of it... 

stay safe... my love

_____________

Note: At was here for fam dinner with a friend and told us she was going to Arizona for SLE's memorial next week. It sent me into a bit of a panic to think of her going to Arizona all by herself, TBH.

Pic: Huck and Max are misbehaving a bit a the dinner table, Nu's expression says they'd never have been allowed to get away with such behavior, what's up with that?

late-July thoughts

I shouldn't have said it was nearing the end of summer yesterday... What I meant was that it was the end of summer break... for me. 

Our D.C. trip is in a week, and I'll be in a full-day workshop (8-5) the day after we return. That's soon.

I can't believe I'm whining--what an incredible privilege it is to take a break as an adult. I always wish everyone got mandated time off. In my family, how nice it would be if At and Big A had at least a couple of weeks off to read, lounge, and turn off their alarms... How much better their health and wellbeing would be. 

 To someone's text enquiring after me, I responded "I’m good… waking up to the reality that one way or another it’s almost August…" And then on reconsideration: "I mean it’s August THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW 😂😭"

Pic: Still summer in flower time, clearly.

the times

Don't ask why I'm up at 3:27 a.m., but now I'm worried for friends and family in Hawaii and on the West Coast as tsunami waves from the Russian earthquake make their way across the Pacific ocean.

I was just thinking yesterday that this has been a beautiful summer--not too hot, just enough rain to keep everything lush, NO mosquitoes, a record-breaking number of fireflies and butterflies...

It has also been a month since At's ex SLE died, and this was the month of my mom's heart attack and Big A's mysterious illness. And suddenly--or so it seems--we're nearing the end of summer.

Pic: Nu is filling out health information forms, and Max thinks he can help. Huck milling around (under Max), is thinking about joining in, because she knows stuff too. I can't believe Nu will be off and living in the dorms in a few weeks!