a season of goodbye

We drop Nu off at college on Wednesday--that's coming up fast! I'm fueled by excitement for Nu and an ever-expanding to-do list before drop-off and the approach of back-to-school duties of my own. I know I'll get to Wednesday just fine... but I wonder how it'll feel coming back home after drop off.

Sometimes I'm curious about how it might feel not to be a full-time parent after 26 years of being one. Max and Huck are much easier than Nu--perhaps it'll feel... liberating?At other times I'm deeply aware of what an immense shift this is and know that things will never ever be the same again. Even though there will probably be plenty of visits and summers spent at home...

Pic: Lots of dinners this week so Nu can say goodbye to people. I forget what the joke was here (it doesn't look like poor Max was in on it either :)!) Pic by E.M.

a song to follow

I  know it can't  be summer forever

these anonymous days will end soon 

and though today I talk of happiness

tomorrow we will plan a resistance 

with 

voices 

eyes 

hands

the breeze 

lifting 

us like joy 

(or dismay)

the world is so loud with trouble 

and yet we feel almost immortal 

spreading like rumors, we wade in

knowing there's still time to be taken 

________________________________

Pic: It's almost as if it will stay summer forever... I'm so grateful for sunshiny light, for things growing madly, and for bird visitors. And yet, the news out in the world continues to be so dire...

Real talk

Blog friends... Thank you for your gentle check-ins! Nicole just talked to me about The God of Small Things for a couple of days. I do similar check-ins with At all the time.

What timing... Federal control of Washington D.C. with National Guards taking over mere hours after we returned home. The president's claims about rising crime and homicide are all false, BTW. 

Countdown to Nu leaving for college... NINE days!

Big A is on the mend... But I've thought that before. 

Pic: Huck's a real fan of brunch time conversations.

snarl/ensnarled

Pic: Things are blooming in the garden, but also I wanted to document this giant spiderweb. It's mostly invisible, until you follow the threads from the right of the picture to the center.

Feeling very entangled in uncertainty and anxiety right now.
 

and other stories

I think I told a story that wasn't entirely mine to tell yesterday. I may have to scrub it soon; I'm sorry. 
*
Overall, a better day today although I did cry--once when the Chappell Roan song "Casual" played on the radio. A few months ago, At and I had joked about how I'm probably like the mom in that song who has no chill and invites the person her kid is casually dating to her house after only two weeks. SLE and I got serious about each other pretty quickly. I can't believe or get over how I will never see her again.
*
Nu and I took Max and Huck to the vet for their yearly heartworm shots today. The books we collected for the waiting room made me chuckle--it was the latest Hunger Games book for me and the collected works of Audre Lorde for Nu and not vice versa as one might reasonably expect. 
*
It was the 101st birth anniversary of James Baldwin this weekend, so I read some Baldwin and lit my devotional candle. And it was my Boss Day today, so I took myself for a long walk, bought myself some perennials that were on end-of-season sale for fall planting, and got Thai food for dinner.
*
Pic: Huck likes to climb on furniture because she's the shortest in the family. She wasn't happy to hear the vet say she may have been exposed to a tick bite (blood test results will clarify tomorrow). But she's happy to hear that big sib At will be hanging out with her and Max this weekend and they don't have to go to "boarding school" as she calls it.

close up

As StephLove rightly surmised, my fears about At visiting Arizona were tied to both brownness and transness. And while carrying a passport would help establish citizenship, it might have opened up a whole set of questions about gender. I would, of course, have some worry about my young adult child traveling by themselves, but these fears are very much based in 2025 USA, and especially places like Arizona. I would be less concerned if At were visiting Los Angeles or Seattle, for instance.

Speaking of which, I'd mentioned a while ago that At might be moving to Seattle. I may not have mentioned that it was to move in with SLE. So that is not happening. 

And At may not be going to SLE's memorial service this weekend in Arizona either. When At enquired about the address, her family wrote back that it was going to be "a small, family event not open to outsiders". At is freshly brokenhearted over this. I told her that the family is grieving in their own way and that she ought to respect their wishes. Which is 100% how I feel. And also, if they're going to be hostile to her, that's another reason not to go. At and SLE's foster sisters and friends should plan their own memorial service. 

Pic: I love this bird feeder that suctions on to the window and lets me see birds, like this cardinal, close up. I thought it might make Max and Huck a bit bonkers, but they barely notice.

tripping

everything today feels like it has happened before
before you leave, I fix your smile in my mind
the scent of your forehead from babyhood 
any other time it would be just my love

this time in urgency, I stoop to say

carry your passport with you

and text me a copy of it... 

stay safe... my love

_____________

Note: At was here for fam dinner with a friend and told us she was going to Arizona for SLE's memorial next week. It sent me into a bit of a panic to think of her going to Arizona all by herself, TBH.

Pic: Huck and Max are misbehaving a bit a the dinner table, Nu's expression says they'd never have been allowed to get away with such behavior, what's up with that?

late-July thoughts

I shouldn't have said it was nearing the end of summer yesterday... What I meant was that it was the end of summer break... for me. 

Our D.C. trip is in a week, and I'll be in a full-day workshop (8-5) the day after we return. That's soon.

I can't believe I'm whining--what an incredible privilege it is to take a break as an adult. I always wish everyone got mandated time off. In my family, how nice it would be if At and Big A had at least a couple of weeks off to read, lounge, and turn off their alarms... How much better their health and wellbeing would be. 

 To someone's text enquiring after me, I responded "I’m good… waking up to the reality that one way or another it’s almost August…" And then on reconsideration: "I mean it’s August THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW 😂😭"

Pic: Still summer in flower time, clearly.

the times

Don't ask why I'm up at 3:27 a.m., but now I'm worried for friends and family in Hawaii and on the West Coast as tsunami waves from the Russian earthquake make their way across the Pacific ocean.

I was just thinking yesterday that this has been a beautiful summer--not too hot, just enough rain to keep everything lush, NO mosquitoes, a record-breaking number of fireflies and butterflies...

It has also been a month since At's ex SLE died, and this was the month of my mom's heart attack and Big A's mysterious illness. And suddenly--or so it seems--we're nearing the end of summer.

Pic: Nu is filling out health information forms, and Max thinks he can help. Huck milling around (under Max), is thinking about joining in, because she knows stuff too. I can't believe Nu will be off and living in the dorms in a few weeks!

trying to be strong

Gaza Poets Society has shared many beautiful poems over the years. Yesterday their message was a stark and anguished plea:

"Save our children"

What else is left to say? How can we go on in a world where children are willfully being sniped at and starved to death. I hope we can let the food waiting outside the Israeli blockade get through before it is too late. Everything else can wait.

*

Big A is so much better (fingers firmly crossed) and a good thing too, because he's back at work tonight. I think he could do with at least a couple more days off work, but he's on the schedule. "I exist to make a profit for the hospital's shareholders," is how he explained it to me.

Pic: I took Nance's advice and took A to spend some time with trees... Things have been so nerve-racking, we've barely been outside together. 

not normal

Now that my mom is a bit more stable, I'm beginning to worry about Big A. It's not normal to have a fever for so many days. As Jenny correctly said, my attitude has been that my mom's "probably a bit more fragile than Big A." But as Jeanie said, "not knowing" is scary. 

It's good I suppose that his labs aren't growing any scary bacteria (apparently, they'll keep looking at it every day or two to check). His best guess for now is that it's an unrelated virus that'll work its way out in time.

At some point in the evening yesterday, I looked up from my book to see tears running down his face and thought he was feeling really down. He was. He'd just read about the cardiologist and his family who were killed by an Israeli airstrike. This isn't normal either. There's so much happening on our watch and we're expected to carry on as though it shouldn't matter.

Pic: Max snuggled up to Big A and fast asleep. I need some good sleep sprawled out in abandon like this!

 

"hungry heart"

First things first: My mom is out of the ICU! She was even up for a FaceTime this morning. I'm not sure what her recovery looks like, but I'm so glad we can begin it. 

Big A is still not OK. I'm beginning to feel a bit worried because we're no closer to answers than we were when it started. He's scheduled for a few days off, and I hope he manages to shake it off.

Okay. Confession time: I used to come here to jabber journal-style to myself, but now I know so many lovely people here--I didn't want to keep posting bad news day and after day and stressing people out. So I wrote my little notes to myself, but didn't hit publish until today. I hope that's ok. Also, I'm so behind on reading everyone's posts and responding to comments... I'll get on that... tomorrow...

As it is, so many of you reached out to check in on me. Thank you. Even Engie who's had such a shitty stressful month and is finally on vacation with her bestie! I straight out refused to give her any sad updates.

Pic: If you squint, one of my strawberries looks heart-shaped!

not out of the woods or hospitals yet...

Big A's fever finally broke late last night, but this evening we were back in Urgent Care because he had extreme nausea. 

My mom is doing better but not so well that they're ready to release her from the ICU.

Someone I was talking to said it sounded like the universe was pranking me. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to yell "I give up!" or "Cut it out!"

Pic: The beautiful Monarch I saw on the milkweed out by the mailbox last week.

telling everyone I know

I usually don't post very much on FaceBook... But I needed everyone I knew to pull for my mom...

and they really came through.

That's the thing I have to love about Facebook, when you need people, everyone from your fifth-grade best friend to the newly-appointed president of your college shows up for you. 

I'm so grateful for everyone's well wishes, I hope they work for my Amma. 

Pic: Screen-grab from my FB post today

Wonder Women

Thank you for the well wishes. Mom is doing better. If she continues to be stable, they'll move her out of the ICU tomorrow. My seventy-nine-year-old mom has chronic heart and lung problems, but as Big A said, she's living to fight another day. 

I nearly died every time the phone rang today, imagining the worst. One branch in my brain's flowchart was already making arrangements to travel to Bangalore. Simultaneously, another branch was completely certain that everything would be alright, how could the world go on without Amma?

I know the day is coming for me, for all of us, and especially people my age. Just this week, I've had friends describe parents as "actively dying" and witnessed (on Facebook) friends whose last parent died describe how it's never old to feel like an orphan. They were not ready. I know I'm not ready. I doubt anyone ever is. 

Anyway, because my sister and I were constantly texting yesterday, I took some strength in thinking of ourselves as Wonder Women. Our group chat name plays with this theme--it's called "Wanda Women" since one of our family names is Wandawasi. 

Pic: Top--our "Wanda Women" Profile photo; Bottom--the photo Big A took the morning they left. Nu is a bonus presence in both.

back

The two on the left are now back in Bangalore.

I started the day stupid sad, but got progressively better as I crossed tasks off my to-do list.

Pic: From family dinner the day before they left. Amma, Chelli, Huck, At, Nu, and Max. I love everyone so much.... but have to say, Huck is the best poser.

airport picnics and no buenos

Today was goodbye. This second week really raced past. My dad is so awesome for managing by himself for two weeks... I really couldn't ask for a longer visit. But it was difficult saying goodbye. 

We found a four-leafed clover to pack for travel good luck. And Nu helped me with the big suitcases and Big A managed to jenga us into one car with all the luggage despite his dinged-up elbow.

When we got to the airport, it turned out that one of their four suitcases weighed more than allowed (50 lbs). So I repacked it so it (and the other suitcases) came in at 49.5. I felt like a hero because we avoided the 100$ fine. 

And I felt like a superhero when our little airport picnic of Parsi omelette sandwiches and veggies from the garden was pronounced perfect. But then they had to head for their gate via TSA and that's when my hero and superhero mantle crumbled and I (we all) (predictably) cried a bit.

And I cried lots more when I got home because Nu and Big A were there to be comforting. My poor long-suffering Big A--I spiraled a bit about my mom growing old, my sister not having a job, and how climate change is going to disproportionately affect places like India.

Anyway... we ate leftovers for dinner (yesterday's ratatouille and yogurt bread) and then I found a giant package of Kinder Bueno that my mom hadn't been able to fit into her luggage and left behind. I try not to eat questionably sourced chocolate, but this package was already here and Nu can't eat it (tree nut allergy), so I set to work. I've eaten seven (maybe eight) things this evening. Each one has two bars. 

Pic: Amma and me. Photo by Chelli (baby sis). 

from here to go-dhuli

our words tear paths

as if we are oracles

our touch gathers

courage as though 

there's no law for it 

mosquitoes now follow us home 

knocking on our window panes

like tiny trickster castaway birds

who are also sorrowful orphans 

it is yet a quiet sky

as the clouds go by 

in the long intimacy

of anguish, a golden

go-dhuli dust blooms

my mother has promised us love

and it is in this clearing: quiet as--

wary as-- gentle as-- worn as-- cattle

waiting and gentling into another time

_____________________________

Note: Go-dhuli, literally "dust of cows" in Sanskrit, the golden hour of sunset when cattle return home; it is considered to be a beautiful and auspicious time and is a nostalgic trope. Cows are revered as archetypal mothers (Go-matha) in Hindu-Indian culture. (I mean, that's where "holy cow" as an expression probably came from!?) Also, my mom and I have a very silly, longstanding act where we play cow and calf.

____________________________

Pic: Nu's photo of Chelli, Huck, Max, and me reading in the afternoon. (Or Chelli and I are trying to anyway.)

home and away

My India fam is back from the trip to visit friends and we've been inseparable all day. Time is running out. This is likely my mom's last trip to the U.S. I don't feel like I can ask her to undertake 24-hour travel for me again. It's tough facing it, but my once irrepressible mom is not as hearty or hardy. 

My sis and I have shared all the hacks and jokes we'd been saving up for each other. And she now knows all my walking paths, so when I send pictures of scenery, she'll know where they came from.

Big A is doing ok... It's his first wipeout in 35+ years of bicycling and I think that hurts the most.

Three nice things for me this week: 1) I got randomly picked as volunteer of the month at Helping Women Period and I shared that on social media in case other people wanted to get involved too. 

2) I got an email from the colleague who runs the travel abroad program conveying some generous remarks from a student. That was nice in itself. I didn't realize until I got a thank you from the provost that the colleague had copied other people too. I thought that was extra magnanimous.

3) One of the editors of a recent thing I sent off wrote to another editor about my piece: "Isn't this just wonderful?" It's not much and doesn't mean anything in terms of production--but it just seemed so cheerful and unfiltered, it has made me smile every time I've thought of it. 

Pic: Huck and Max. A bit serious--they like the extra pets with extra fam around, but they're not sure they like sharing me.

sweet liberation

With all the horribleness about the big, bad bill--it didn't particularly feel like I wanted to celebrate this fourth of July yesterday. 

But American fireworks are truly spectacular, so I felt compelled to offer to take the fam to the outdoor symphony and fireworks at Adado Park. TBH, I was relieved that my mom begged off citing jetlag, especially since waiting for it to get dark enough for fireworks could mean she had to stay up until 10:30 or later...

But there was a freedom story to tell after all. There was a squirrel in the tea garden yesterday. They were as terrified of being indoors as I was of having them there and I was finally able to coax them out the front door. I thought that was the end of that. My sister said she thought she saw something scurry up a plant later, but I hoped she was mistaken. But then Big A woke up from his post-call nap to a chipmunk in our bedroom. This guy was totally unfazed by our presence, and had a quick little loop he'd carved out and didn't seem inclined to leave. Finally, Big A remembered that his grandma Louise used to use these humane traps thirty years ago, so he went and got one.  

They work (although they have bad reviews online).

Pic: The naughty fellow before we released him into Baker Woods. You know that saying about rescue dogs--"who rescued whom?" I feel like the one who's been rescued. And I wonder if we have a hole in our siding/cladding where all the little creatures are getting in... Also, the way Big A is milking this bit of heroism... SMDH.