Oh, say...

...do you see the baby buck waiting for us by the garden shed at the end of the driveway? Max and Huck sure didn't. It surprises me how oblivious these guys seem to be to the world around them. They're mostly interested in family, other humans, *sometimes* other dogs, and like to chase squirrels and birds for fun. (And they're hilariously surprised when they find them stationary!)

In other silly baby news, I wished everyone a Happy November because that's something my mom used to do every month, and now it's up to me to carry that on.

May it be a happy November! (I won't be having a watch party, because when we moved into this house in 2016, one of our first parties was on election night, and... uh-oh, I might be scarred.)

Pic: Us returning home from an evening walk.

sanctuary

skies always open

they haven't quit in this warm October

their voice in an inaudible present 

clouds are normal

it is wisdom that whimpers, collapses

naming days, trauma, traditions

trees are informal

stopping by, breeze-ruffled, reminding 

me of the hard ringing in my heart 

stars are waiting

like bits of every song you ever knew

not young, not old... eternal 

_____________

Pic: Walking home by myself; feeling sheltered.

my assumptive world order

I think this photo is from when At committed to Alma, and everyone dressed up in college gear to celebrate. I miss when my parents used to live with us for half the year (I miss when my mom was alive).
 

FB is going to be killing me softly for evermore with memories, I guess.

It's ok; I can take it. I'm glad there were happy times. I'm smiling back at these loved faces.

I can't imagine a world without these loves in whatever physical or spiritual form they are and how lucky am I to always have some part of them. 

last human teen

Nineteen! The baby celebrated with friends yesterday and will tonight as well. But they had dinner with the parents and puppy sibs and made a wish (I know what it is!) this evening at home. 

Happy Birthday and a safe and happy year ahead to my darling!

_______

Pic: Nu and BigA (with Max and Huck underfoot)
 

"the backbone of night"

I've been reading a lot of books (written for laypeople) about the universe by people like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Carl Sagan. 

Because (a) where did she go 
and 
(b) looking up into the stars is when I feel most connected. When she was merely far away, the moon was a unifier--I would think about how we were both looking at the same moon. But now, she's a little farther in the stars, and I want to learn as much as I can about the cosmos.

I remembered how taken I was by the the description of our galaxy as "the backbone of the night" the first time I read it. 

We dwell in such vast and beautiful realms.

Pic: Sunrise in the backyard. 

the body's calendar

It can't be a coincidence that Chelli and I have been so sick this week, is it? Tomorrow will be a whole year since mom's Kariyalu ceremony.

The body keeps the score and all that...

I first noticed that when Scout died I'd feel extra sad, tired, or achy around the 24th or close to the big dates and anniversaries... Even before my brain could figure out the significance of the date, my body was already experiencing a wave of grief.

Pic: New growth in the woods out front.

two moments...

 

I spent such a beautiful lifetime in these arms... 

Pics: First photo together, last photo together

someone faraway is calling

from a door that swings 

from now to then 

we miss those who are 

already elsewhere 

Pic: mossy trunks hide a secret world in the backyard.

Finale

by Pablo Neruda

...here or there,
gazing off,
twisting my spine,
bleeding true blood,
perhaps I awaken
or am lost, sleeping:
hospital beds,
foreign windows,
white uniforms of the silent walkers,
the clumsiness of feet.
And then, these journeys
and my sea of renewal:
your head on the pillow,
your hands floating
in the light, in my light,
over my earth.
It was beautiful to live
when you lived!

______________

Pic: Big A, Max, and Huckie are working out/working on bikes in the basement.

a whole new year

...and now it has been a whole year. I don't know how that happened or how we managed it.

I'm glad we made it to a year. I'm sad (and mad) we're now counting our loss in years.

A clipped and awkward phonecall with dad and my sis this morning and then a day prepping mom's favorite foods for the traditional offering.

Pic: Nu, Max, BigA, and Huck at Pooja. I went to the bookstore to find a "Large Print" book to add to the offering and the very first book I saw (because it had been placed facing outward) was by Lily King, who was an author we'd read for our first bookclub together. Amma loved Large Print books and bookclubs, both of which she had no access to in India.

near tears

Constantly. ALL the time. If I'm not actually crying, say something mean or kind or interesting or unrelated and watch me cry. 

I could be an attraction at a freak show.

Pic: Also freaky, how Max has not learned to walk and constantly runs rings around me as though I'm a Maypole or gets tangled up with Huckie.

not an interesting person, a person of interest

Starting the school year with a fender-bender was not on my bingo card. But with a wet pavement, the driver in front making a last-minute change, and Huck and Max in the back, it all happened anyway.

I exchanged insurance info with the other car, called the insurance agent, arranged for repairs starting next week, made it to our puppy appointment, and held it together until I got home. Then I tiptoed into the darkroom where Big A sleeps before a night shift and had a good cry.

He kept pointing out that everyone was safe and that was the important thing, everything else could be fixed. I feel sad about the damage to Bluey and felt like I was getting away with something.

That feeling certainly went away when the police showed up at our door later to write me a ticket.

Pic: It was not a nice feeling watching this come down the driveway.

I wish I had more patience...

Big A and I worked on dredging the pond all day and he thinks (correctly) that we should let things dry before we repair, but I want to just go ahead and refill it up already.

I typed up a response to the Whistler text book club after dinner, but it seemed too late to text. I'm mentally hopping from foot to foot, waiting for it to be mid morning so we can unpack more delicious details.

The mango pickle I started (based on memories and vibes of my grandmother's) needs time to cure, but I keep opening the jar for just a little sniff.

The submissions to the project with EM are beginning to come in, and I love everything and just want to tell every author their submission is accepted although that won't be feasible.

Pic: Max adores Nu. I mean, he loves watermelon, but Nu, he just worships.

born on the fourth

Happy fourth to anyone celebrating!

I was born on the fourth (of March), so today is my "Boss Day." I decided to protect my sanity today and take a news break to avoid having to see the people in charge. 

As if to cement this, yesterday's storm gave us some felled trees. The one across the driveway effectively walled us off from the world. No one was getting to us, and we weren't going anywhere.

Big A and I had a meditative retreat planned for today. I even wore all my crystals, expecting to find transcendence... Nothing. But I still had a peaceful good time though.

Another tree that fell in the back seems to have broken our pond and all the water is slowly emptying out. I'm so worried about the creatures that lived in there.

Pic: I felt like Sleeping Beauty when I woke up this morning to see I couldn't even see into the street. 

because I was raised by her

today I went back to dying

to falling down in places... 

in pieces, my eyes pitching

bones separate like solitude 

tears won't ask me questions

(they have seen inside me)

just don't call me to witness

as I travel to how I used to be

________________

Note: Inevitable comparisons with last year this time when I was so excited for my mom and sis to visit. My mom had already started her shenanigans, much to my delight.

Pic: Our water lily bloomed! (Not allowed to talk about algae right now.)

pere c'est police/Persepolis

The first text Big A sent me this morning was about how Marjane Satrapi had died. Over the course of the day, I came to learn it was probably from a broken heart after losing her partner of thirty years last year.

Persepolis changed my mind about so many things... including the graphic novel genre. I always thought I'd meet her someday, and might have if she wasn't gone too soon.

This quote really says so much: “If I have one message to give to the secular American people, it’s that the world is not divided into countries. The world is not divided between East and West. You are American, I am Iranian, we don’t know each other, but we talk together and we understand each other perfectly. The difference between you and your government is much bigger than the difference between you and me. And the difference between me and my government is much bigger than the difference between me and you. And our governments are very much the same.”

And because of the pun in the title, I found myself muttering Persepolis, Pere c'est police (Father police) under my breath a lot.

Pic: Max and Huckie wonder about my muttering.

circus

In time, I begin to think 

of the award I did not get 

as just three men in a coat 

pretending to loom over me

they'd all claim niceness

say they are good people

not at all sexist or racist 

would say they're smart

then they should have seen  

my 18 is more than his 2

my 14 is more than his 0

his 1 is smaller than my 4

I watch them tumble again

 into unreason, juggling 

 lies and tangled excuses

fairness and easy truths 

they know and I know

they know that I know

what if stopped to laugh 

--it's as if they're clowns

___________________

Pic: Max is not buying it either. 

 

from another angle

The weedy, wild phlox season is upon us and it always reminds me of Scout.

I usually take pictures walking up towards where I would find him on the other side of the patch...

Today, I took a picture of what it must have looked like from his perspective, what he would have seen before he was so delighted to see me...

https://www.pocobrat.net/2021/05/baby-story.html 
 

think like a woman

yesterdays heads nod agreement 
though still refusing sleep
or dislocations of night

we are more than what they allow

imaginations far fiercer 

than stolen tyrannies 

you can't tell the angle of attack

but I know, I know

how I know

other women's children are also

children... even if they're

too old to cry 

_____

Pic: A cardinal in the driveway, spied as I walked home from hanging out at the East Lansing Art Festival with the girl friends. (I didn't buy a thing.)

Eight decades of awesome

It's Amma's 80th birthday today. I spent quite a long time at the temple. My sister made her a mango cake, I made her a kulfi with pistachios, cardamom, and rosewater. For the past couple of years in the lead up to this big birthday, she'd been joking that I would not make it home for her 80th birthday celebration as I had done for my Dad's 80th. She would set me up, teasing me about loving dad more than her--just so I'd profess my love for her above all else and promise to be there with her today. This turned out to be such a not-funny joke. 

For my dad's 80th, I flew to Bangalore to surprise my parents. My mom was also on her way back to Bangalore after visiting my sister who was on assignment in Amsterdam. And... BY SOME AMAZING TWIST OF SERENDIPITY, we were both booked on the *same* flight from Frankfurt to Bangalore on the second leg of our respective journeys . I called the airline and arranged to sit next to her, and I started to moo like a cow (one of our silly joke things) as she approached the row... SHE WAS SO BOWLED OVER when she found me! This picture is us reunited on that plane; She looks a bit dazed from the surprise and has her hand wrapped so tight around my upper arm... What I wouldn't give...