Stream-of-consciousness Saturday

The NEH-funded medical-humanities conference I was so happy about being accepted to got canceled because their funding got canceled. 

Unrelatedly, EM and I started another proposal. I like how we work together on a document--throwing words and phrases on there and then randomly picking things up to stitch them together--it feels a bit like a sewing circle, honestly.

Suture-removal from surgery will happen on Wednesday... my mind has decided to start panicking about that. 

I could panic about the Spring term class that starts Monday, but my syllabus is so neat and the schedule is color-coded and looks so pretty, I'm kinda excited to share it with my students.

Also excited about the new backpack and new shoes I got to replace the multi-year, multi trip old timers.

Big A and I went to see Sinners again. In IMAX, no less. There's a story there about colonialism I want to unspool and the music is stunning. I found new things to be surprised by in that one time-meld sequence. 

Also surprising: I know I already met two bloggers this week, but I'm going to meet two bloggers again tomorrow. Quite the week! 

Pic: The hyacinths are here and their fragrance is heady.

everything is... connected

Robert Reich, one of the more public, progressive, pro-union voices, has been a source of hope for a long time. I have been especially grateful for him this year for his posts like "Ten Reasons for Modest Optimism" and statements that have become mantras to me: we are the leaders we've been waiting for; we can maintain decency in a time of monsters; courage is contagious...

I also feel connected to Michael Schwerner. Ever since I accidentally walked into a dusty storeroom in a house in the middle of Ohio--a house we would later live in--and found a picture of my fellow compatriot, Mahatma Gandhi, twinkling up at me. It was a picture of Gandhi on a certificate awarded to Michael Schwerner from his early years at CORE (The Council for Racial Equality). Michael "Mickey" Schwerner is, of course, one of the civil rights workers killed during the Freedom Summer of 1964 along with Chaney and Goodman in the case that garnered national attention and helped hasten the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Our house in Yellow Springs had belonged to Steven Schwerner, Michael's older brother and Dean of Antioch College who had moved away to Brooklyn to be closer to his grandkids. I kept finding traces of Michael Schwerner's presence in that house over the years and felt the jolt of his idealism every time.

So imagine my shock when Robert Reich mentioned that because he'd always been bullied for being short, in school he'd relied on kind older kids to protect him and one of those kids was "Mickey." Yes, Mickey Schwerner! He goes on to say that when he got to college and found out what had happened to Michael, he "began to see bullying on a larger scale" and credits this as the beginning of his insight into and involvement with social justice. It's amazing how just one well-lived life can ripple out across time and space and influence millions of others. I did not know that two people I thought of so highly were connected in such an immediate way. Rest in Power, Michael Schwerner.  

Pic: The woods at the back of the house have begun their greening. 

"Just asking, not coming for you"

J said something in comments yesterday about The Last of Us that I didn't understand because I'm not watching the show anymore. There's something very bonding and clarifying about watching a post-apocalyptic show together... Something about imagining what you might do to survive, who your tribe would be, whom and what you would protect, and also whom you would be against. It's a good emergency preparedness template, which is why the CDC adopted it. I remember watching The Walking Dead with teen Atulya and then finding ourselves on the subway in NYC after a visit to Sarah Lawrence College trying to come up with a plan on how to connect in case there were no trains or planes and At ended up going there for college. 

The Last of Us was a great show we were all watching together until At, who was playing the game, got uncomfortable with some of the politics of it. Once you see the Scars as a stand-in for Palestinian othering, it's difficult to not to be pulled by it. (It's not so much "cancel culture" as being wary of producers normalizing their fucked up worldview through their art. The standard example that comes to mind is Luc Besson's 1994 film The Professional featuring a 13-year-old [12-year-old Natalie Portman] falling in love with an [adult] assassin. Art is art and all stories deserve to get told, but when you learn that Besson himself first met his wife when she was 12, you have to wonder what messages he's embedding, and if he's using his art to manipulate the public's attitude and consent.)

Anyway, my kids tried to make me feel bad about the Kendrick Lamar love, and sent me to this article. Maybe I'm in denial, but apart from platforming Kodak Black, I don't see anything credible? "Just asking, not coming for you," one of them reassured me.

I'm grateful they really do seem to love coming to the Easter Egg Hunt. I'd be okay even if they were just humoring me, but they really, really love it. "It's my favorite tradition," Nu said. I said, "I thought Christmas Eve with new pajamas and lots of books was?" Nu's reply: "No that's yours, because you're a nerd." This is true.

Pic: At, Nu, Max, and Huck following rhyming clues to find eggs. Today, as At was away with friends yesterday. 

hopping over to happy

So many friends didn't make it to the protests yesterday, but they still seem to have been well attended overall. I know I needed a break. I needed a break last week. (And did take one.) And NGL, I was relieved I had a good excuse in commencement this weekend. 

I'm usually such a news hound and love following the way a story breaks and builds. But right now, the screwy sophistry of our times would make that (probably literally) maddening. I mean... have you seen the executive Easter message? 

Quick! Pivot! Focus on joyful things! 

I am IN LOVE with this song and its whole dreamlike vibe. I'm seeing Kendrick and SZA in Detroit in June and that feels like a dream too.

And I sent out the invites for Nu's graduation party (with Nu's approval). The date's right in the middle of the week, because that's when Big A is off and my MIL will be here, but I know my friends got me. I so wish my parents and sister and aunts and uncles AND COUSINS could be here too...

Pic: Easter brunch. I never take table pix when guests are here because it feels impolite, but it was just us today. If you squint, you can see a  field of flowers instead of my eggy brunch bake :) next to the chicks and flowers the kids and I always make from boiled eggs for Easter. (The chocolate easter egg cake isn't me, it's from the talented bakers at Costco.)

in the name of James Baldwin, Amen

Exam week has its own sense of frenzy, but the volume of work email was low today and I opened up emails that I might not otherwise have opened up. Some notable ones below:

1) I got some fiery ideas for real resistance from an open letter to the Dem leadership. It got me right from its very relatable beginning: "Dear Democratic Party, I need more from you. You keep sending emails begging for $15, while we’re watching fascism consolidate power in real time." (LOL-sob). What follows is an amazing 7-point plan of action that gave me so much hope. This email's subject header was "Letter from Liz Cheney" and I would have usually been like NOPE. (It's actually authored by a Dr. Pru Lee.)

2) An apparently long-standing bookclub in the area wants me to lead a discussion of Clear by Carys Davies sometime in the upcoming year and they'll pay me $200 for the hour. I didn't realize bookclubs paid people?! This email's subject header was "Book Review" and I thought it was a request from someone I didn't know asking for a blurb.

3) An organization I volunteer with rather infrequently wants to feature me as the volunteer of the month, and were giving me a heads up that they were going to pull my photo from my Google profile. Okay. This email's subject header was "Thank You from ___" and I actually thought it was a fundraising email. 

4) The birthday cake I delivered the other day and prompted the fight with Big A was enjoyed by the three-year-old it was meant for. Their family sent me a photo and it was so adorable that it melted Big A's heart. He said he'd come with me on delivery trips when possible (basically be my "delivery buddy" as Lisa suggested). This email's subject header was "cake"-- I think I had a feeling what it was about. 

I wonder what surprises I'm missing on high-volume email days!

Pic: Last week at the bookstore with At, I got this James Baldwin votive from their "Secular Saints" collection. Baldwin went on my altar as soon as I got home, as I need his courage and clarity in these times. (At and I laughed about the side eye she gave me when I got this because I was such a stickler about "bookstores and bookfairs are for books, not toys and tchotchkes" when the kids were growing up.)

brain laundry

I came across the idea of "brain laundry" where you sort your light and dark thoughts. Here are some topics from today sorted by ":)" and ":/".

1. Conferences:

:) Successfully submitted two proposals--one by myself + one with E.M. And I started work on a chapter proposal which isn't due until May.  

:/ Both conference proposals are fairly slapdash. Also, I wanted to submit one with Big A to jumpstart our stalled writing project, but we just didn't get around to it. 

2. Surgery

:) I'm supposed to get surgery tomorrow to get a cyst taken care of. Finally! I've been putting it off for a very long time. It's a minor procedure under local anesthesia and I've been promised Taco Bell. Yay.

:/ When the nurse went through post-surgery wound care, I got majorly freaked out. I called Big A and he talked me down, but I might still bail tomorrow. 

3. Charity

:) I'm lucky that my family is so supportive of giving in general and fairly mindful of my rules like not spending because we're saving to give to X, etc. Then there are unbudgeted things like GoFundMes and grocery add ons. A good percentage of the weekly grocery run is things I sock away for free pantries and people asking for stuff. Big A's family was on food stamps when his divorced mom was putting herself through school for teacher education, so he never begrudges the extra expense...

:/ But, he does NOT like it when I deliver stuff, because he's convinced it's dangerous.  Although sometimes like today there is no alternative (someone needed a birthday cake for their kid and did not have a car). He likes to tell me I'm going to get trapped in a basement... because he knows how much that terrifies me. This led to a fight. 

4. (Pic:) Gardening: 

:) The box of perennials I brought home from the plant sale this Saturday on the floor of the tea garden. Bleeding Hearts, Gauras, Hellebores, and Geraniums. I'm going to plant them inside for a few weeks until it's frost-safe outside.

:/ I feel so bad when I catch myself wishing the Poinsettias, which have cheerfully been going strong since before Christmas, would die. Poor things--I should just move them somewhere where I don't have to see them all the time. 

Happy New Year!!

Yes, really! I said what I said.

It's Tamil New Year and Asian solar new year through much of the planet today. I am grateful for this reset, I am thankful for the pause. I heard from people I haven't heard in a while, I celebrated with family and friends, I made an Indian feast, I had a pooja.

Democracy is breaking down in the White House and various other things are breaking down in my house, but I'm reassured by Harvard University's resolve not to "surrender its independence or relinquish its constitutional rights" and even more heartened by the 80-something way less affluent colleges and universities that signed an amicus brief opposed to threats against people for lawful speech. Among these, I was charmed to see good old Antioch in Yellow Springs (always on the right side of history!) and other places I've adjuncted including The University of Dayton and Michigan State University.

Pic: I stopped at Lake Lansing Park for a short walk and a few minutes of meditation in the midst of the lapping water on this beautiful day.

(Mis)interpretations

* Central Michigan University, about 20 minutes north of us, discovered during a random check that several of their international students had their visas revoked and thus their legal residency terminated without notifications to the university or the students. I don't think this is what "Land of the Free" means.

* Ms. Rachel, the YouTube toddler entertainer, who has been compared to Mr. Rogers, shared UN reports of malnourished children in Gaza and started fundraising for Save the Children... and is being accused of being Hamas with calls for the Attorney General to investigate her for "anti-semitism." That term keeps being used incorrectly. Opposition to Israel is not anti-semitism, as Peter Beinart said recently. 

*Nu's class was scheduled to take a senior trip to the zoo today. All week long, in anticipation, we've been pretending that we understood "going to the zoo" to mean that Nu was going to be a zoo exhibit. Our jokes are really old over here. 

Pic: Nu's pic of the tiger at the zoo. Once upon a time, William Blake's "Tyger, Tyger burning bright" might have looped through my head. These days, I more likely to remember the six-year-old's poem so bright and clear it just cannot be misinterpreted: 

"The tiger

He destroyed his cage

Yes

YES

The tiger is out"

I can't believe

*That I have to get a visa to go to the U.K. (Ok, not quite a visa but still, an entry authorization--ETA--to procure ahead of time instead of at the airport when one lands there.)

         That it took about seven minutes to complete the process...

         That it's supposed to take three days to process... but the approval arrived via email within about 10 minutes.

*That I've taken on another child advocacy case.

         That my wonderful coordinator there has just been diagnosed with cancer. 

         That the kids in this case have the worst biblical names a pair of siblings could ever have.

*That it's snowing now. We were nearly to 50 degrees during the day when I had a lovely walk with KPB.

Pic: Big A, Huck, Max. Is something tasty going on? I love how Max loops his arm around yours to ensure you don't stop petting him. (And is it just me, or does Max look like he has a J.D.Vance-level of eyeliner on?)

grateful

Grateful no one was hurt when Nu's school was hit by lightning. Some computers sparked, the fire alarms went off, and everyone had to go stand outside in the pouring rain. (And Nu got a good story out of it.)

Grateful for all the hard work my students do. Yesterday, five of them presented their research papers and posters at Honors Day. (And my academic advisee won the graduating senior trophy!)

Grateful for academic freedom (so far). I'm on a few lowkey watchlists, but haven't been censored or censured (yet). The talk I gave was critical of the administration and... I shared the panel with colleagues who were similarly critical. (However, colleagues have told me I should scrub my social media when I travel abroad.)

Grateful for my Boss Day today--we got takeout Thai food for dinner. And lunch tomorrow. (I guess this effectively ends my month of claiming birthday privilege.)

Pic: Grateful for the splash of reds and pink from the very twiggy geraniums I got for free from a local nursery five years ago. (It was the end of the outdoor season and they were going to compost them). 

calls and rings and tight squeezes

It's At's Boss Day. And as a lovely surprise present to me, she called to say she was coming over for a visit! (At has recently started working with UNTF on the MSU campus and happened to be nearby today.) I can't stay for dinner, she warned, but I warmed up some chocolate chip muffins and I was making a lox sandwich for Nu, so At had one too and then both Nu and At had another, and some cheese straws while I was making the second sandwich, so that, basically, became their dinner. 

At and I had gone thrifting a couple of weeks back and after we found and paid for some amazing things (a blue suede jumpsuit, a floral velvet dress) At bought some rings that were kind of ugly. So I thought I'd let At choose from some of my decidedly nicer rings as a treat today.

Nu came upstairs with us too. Not because Nu wanted any rings, but just to assure themselves that if they wanted any rings, I would give them some too. It makes me chuckle to think how in some ways, they're still the jealous little Baby Nu who would grab my face to turn it towards themselves and tell me sternly that I was "not allowed to look at other kids." 

Pic: This is a jumble, but it was an unexpected joy today to have my kids--Max and Huck are in there too--all crowded into my closet, being raucous, silly, and jokey. At was the only one with a phone in there and took this photo. It was a tight squeeze in there for so many, and there were many tight squeezy hugs before At headed back.

nice/surprise

 It's April 1st tomorrow and who knows what the day will bring--here are a few things that took me by surprise on this last day of March.

I woke up from a dream in which I marveled how in a crowd of strangers we unhesitatingly call ourselves "we." It's true, isn't it? There's something beautiful and magic about that.

I was on a walk and 30 mins from home when a neighbor called to say she'd found Max wandering around her yard and had put him in her screen porch. Obviously, I panicked and called Nu to go over and get Max. Nu went downstairs and then called to tell me Max and Huck were downstairs cuddling on the sofa. Ha. The other puppy was reunited with their family soon after.

For the first time ever, a book I put on hold at the library (Claire Lombardo's The Most Fun We've Ever Had) came in before I caved and got it myself.

Yesterday, while sheltering from the tornado, I realized that Nu and Big A had ordered an arcade Ms. Pac-Man game for the basement. I thought we were in our frugal era! I'm mad. Also that thing is going to be 5-ft tall when it's put together.

Pic: I commented to Suzanne that I planned to make sushi cups from an insta reel I'd seen. I did! I did not expect them to be as as easy as they looked or come out so well (esp. as I ad lib a fair amount). They look a bit color deficient to me as I want all five colors at every meal, but a blueberry-mango-raspberry compote completed the gap at dinner. 

like an open window

today I go on into

this leftover world 
with its great gifts 
of unfastened earth
and lightened tasks 

                                walking altogether
                                talking to myself 
                                and my gods--as if
                                anyone else would
                                even be listening--

waiting for beauty
opening like a fire 

connection a flash

the moments of 

understanding like

                                the peace that passes 

                                in the long silent times

                                of waiting as my heart

                                circles red the sounds 

                                of recovery and rises 

________________________________

Pic: This love. I get to handle this level of mopey, smitten affection for hours every day. Mostly from Max. Huck (further down) is a bit more sophisticated about it. 

family worries

Around my sister's birthday, she seemed to think her job was in jeopardy, and it turns out she was right. She spoke to H.R. yesterday and will be leaving the company at the end of the month (She is a Managing Director at Accenture). This will mean some upheaval for all of us since our parents are currently on her health insurance, but we'll have to figure it out. She's been looking for a lateral move for a couple of months, but feels her age is working against her. I'm very worried about all of this.

And I have a tiny worry about Nu. It feels silly to say it out loud, given the state of the world. But Nu  has worn the same seven shirts (washing them like clockwork every week) and Converses for at least three years now--everything is faded and falling apart. It's very environmentally responsible and it's waaaay better than being trendy just to add to the world's trash. But for some reason it makes me sad that my child is limiting themselves this way. When I've brought it up, Nu will rightly point out that they consume a lot of baked goods, CDs, books, and skincare products so they're not exactly an ascetic. 

Pic: Huck and Max went to the groomer and came back with spring-themed bandannas that say: "Finally Spring!" And it cheers me up just to look at it. Nu's disdain for the gender-themed blue and pink was also entertaining.

could that be

Last night, I was hanging out with Max and Huck when Nu showed up in the rumpus room at 2:30 or so... They'd headed for bed hours ago, so I was confused, but they told me they were going outside to see the blood moon...

I had no idea! Nu is in an astronomy class at school and that's where they'd heard! Edcuation! Don't disband the Department of Education!

Anyway, we went outside and it was beautiful and surreal. I liked the reversal of Nu showing me something in nature.

Pic: My blurry phone pic of the blood moon. It's Holi today too, and for once it's warm enough to play outside but I didn't plan ahead.

"Live your life as you meant to live it"

"Live your life as you meant to live it..." That was the response that a fellow panelist gave to a student's question about whether it made sense to apply for a Fulbright scholarship now that federal funding is being pulled and the Department of Education is being disbanded. I thought it was a wonderful reminder not to obey/comply/be defeated in advance. 

I think the talk went well. It was a full house, and I have to love the students who whooped at the end of my presentation and then promptly left. But I'm grateful to be working with colleagues who care about students and our world. 

Note to myself. I've got to stop spending hours upon hours on a presentation that lasts mere minutes, right? But lots of people wanted my slides, so perhaps it will live on in that way. 

Pic: My jasmine is blooming! It's glorious!

I can't get no (dis)satisfaction

Feeling a bit angsty today: 

So my very loving aunt and uncle who were worried about me live in India and are low-key amused by our President and prone to saying he's right about some things. I'm so sad-mad about this disconnect--the guy they like is the reason racism is on the rise and they have to be afraid for me! 

I'm glad I was able to get weekly events going for Women's History Month... I've always been happy to help with this, but it's not my job. There are people in charge of this kind of programming. Why aren't they doing it?

The next time I go on a walk by myself, I'm putting my phone on mute. Just saying. I'm sure my family can figure out whether someone is at the door by themselves and I don't need to know that the heat is out again or that the puppies made a mess until I get home. 

Bestie KB's dad died last night. He had been in decline and then was in hospice care, but somehow I thought they still had some more time. This is like what happened with Lisa's uncle (and KB is in MPLS too). I am so sad for KB plus this makes me fretful because my professor's dad died last week too, and it's making me anxious about my own aging dad. (Nu's passport is messed up because of the Trump administration and now I don't know if we're going to be able to visit my dad in India this summer... ugh)

Pic: Well... at least the skies are blue and the trees are greening again...

Marching Forth Again

I had a full teaching day, talked to my parents on the way to work, got lots of birthday visitors at work, and just... a lovely birthday! 

Friends, thank you for your wishes--I felt surrounded by love all day and your wishes in multiple places helped... I am so blessed and so, so grateful.

I wish I'd come to appreciate the serendipitous significance of my March Fourth/March Forth birthday earlier, but I'm running with it now. This year, apart from fighting fascism, I hope to prioritize working meaningfully on some of my longer projects. This was a new year's resolution that didn't quite take, but this is a good time to reset, I suppose.

Big A texted to say he'd "fucked up the cake." (He usually makes the chocolate cake from the recipe on the back of the Hershey's cocoa box, but there was no Hershey's in the store... and chaos!). It was just terrific, BTW. Went out for sushi with the fam, Nu made me a Kandi bracelet, At gave me books, Big A gave me a leaf blower of my very own so we could have leaf blowing duels and the now-customary card scrawled with all the dear details of our year that makes me cry every time.

(Now I can't wait for tomorrow and to be allowed to do stuff again. My parents used to do this, so I probably brought this tradition with me, but the birthday baby isn't allowed to do *anything* over the birthday weekend and sometimes it makes me feel a bit like I'm on a rest cure.)

Pic: Clockwise--Kids (Nu, At, Max, Huck), cake, me.

Pre-birthday!

Mondays aren't teaching days, so I had a soft reentry to the second half of the term. I got class preps in early, and worked on some reviews for a while. Then the heating tech came by to fix our broken heater. I forgot to mention we didn't have heat over the weekend--thankfully, the hot water was still working and I got by with sweaters and puppies.

Big A and I took off for a hike in Sleepy Hollow State Park, I've wanted to go back with him ever since I went with work friends last month. He downloaded the six-mile loop trail, but I wanted to go around the island too, as it's really picturesque, and then we got lost for a bit--so it ended up being more like eight miles. 

At one point, Big A pointed at a plastic tube and looked at me very meaningfully, and I didn't know what he meant--like was he mad that someone had dropped their chapstick? Turned out it was a shotgun casing. I'd never seen one in my life before. We found a bunch more further down the trail, but didn't meet any hunters.

Birthday cards and a garden catalog (Spring is coming!) were in the mail and we got Subway for dinner as a treat. Online birthday greetings are beginning to trickle in (my school friend's big sis in New Zealand is always the first one to wish me), I've had birthday calls with my sister and my uncle, my birthday fundraiser is over halfway there (I set a bigger goal than usual, fingers crossed), I'm on my way! Yay! 

Pic:Lake Ovid behind me. Sleepy Hollow State Park.

Updates and Pup-dates

Nance and Lisa mentioned GoodsUniteUs in the comments the other day as a way of checking out the politics of companies we're giving our $$ to. I agree that they're outstanding.

On a similar note, I've used Buycott in the past to check out specific brands--the app can scan UPCs, QRs, and barcodes while you're in the store. 

Engie mentioned looking up local stores on social media to get a read on their politics as well--I hadn't thought of that! 

J mentioned that she would be supporting local businesses and using cash, and that's such a great way to bypass the system. Several friends have mentioned this as a way to support small businesses as well. 

Stephany wondered where one would go for basics in the long term, and I haven't figured that one out yet. Bodegas?

The People's Union USA is taking the lead on Friday's economic shutdown--they're very new and worth/need keeping tabs on.

Pic: I find it so hilarious when Max does this--he bops Huckie on the head when he wants to play. They've already cleared all the pillows off the couches, but apparently there's more wild rumpus to follow.