Thursday, May 01, 2025
I'm there
Wednesday, April 30, 2025
Spirit of Scoutie
We picked this spot for Scout's memorial because of the way he'd always come bounding up to greet me around that bend.
And while I didn't bury Scout's ashes there (what if we move?), we put up a wind chime and a solar lantern, and when Max and I are out on our first walk early every morning, we (ok, I) sound the wind chime.
Big A and I talk about how Max manifests some of Scoutie's quirks--the way he snuggles in the crook of my knees, "side-mopes," wrestles with Big A and so on. He's not as interested in food, gentle with Huck or a crybaby as Scout was though. And Max worships Nu--Scout wasn't ever sure if Nu was his younger sibling or older sibling.
Now that I've written that out, it's clear how much Max is unlike Scout... But Big A says he has the "spirit of Scoutie." So sometimes when I come upon Max just chilling by Scout's memorial, it really makes me stop in my tracks.
Pic: Max out by Scout's memorial. (Nu's more matter-of-fact theory is that he's treed Kylo, our black-garbed squirrel and Max's arch friendly rival.)
Tuesday, April 29, 2025
three moms and three mommy dilemmas
Today, I had a long tea with JG and she got kind of bashful at the end of our visit and then offered me some of her mom's jewelry, because she's always said that her mom (who passed away thirty years ago and I never got to meet) would have loved me. From everything I hear, the feeling's mutual. I was nearly moved to tears by the honor and and have picked out two pieces that I will treasure.
And this evening, in unexpectedly terrific news, my mom called to say she might make it to Nu's graduation party!
The thing is... I've been keeping a secret from her that I should probably disclose to her before she gets here. The secret's not wholly mine, but it's my mom, so I'm going to have to step up. That's dilemma #1.
Friday is At's birthday. I was planning to do family dinner with At and then hurry to a fancy dinner I RSVPed "yes" to because I was nominated for a CASA award. (This is what the fam encouraged me to do, and they were going to accompany me too.) From the detailed itinerary I was sent this afternoon, however, it looks like I did NOT win the award. Would I be a dick if I changed my RSVP now? This is dilemma #2.
And finally, I will be far away from my kids on Mother's Day as I'm scheduled to be in the U.K with my travel Spring Term. Should we celebrate long distance, or arrange a M.U.M. Day (Make Up Mother's Day) as we did last year?
Pic: I love dandelions. Lately, I've been torturing myself with thoughts about having let Scout play in a nearby park with no dandelions, which means the place may have been sprayed with toxic chemicals, which means he may have ingested some, which means that may have caused his tumor, which means Scout would be alive if I had been a bit smarter.
Thursday, April 24, 2025
the terrible two-year anniversary
I continue.
The pain isn't as crushing as it was, but it persists.
Most days, the hashtag #ScoutDay makes it to my posts because it was day that I missed him.
Yesterday, I left trivia night in tears--not because we came in second (ha), but because the bar kept flashing a picture of a puppy who looked so much like Scout on their screen.
Scout started popping up in our conversations and dreams even more than usual earlier this month--even before I made the calendar connection. I was amazed how our souls seemed to know this anniversary was coming up even before our minds figured it out.
Scout was certainly my once-in-a-lifetime "soul puppy." I'm so lucky to have had ten years with him... I wish every day it could have been longer.
He was the boy with the blaze.
I'm glad we got that final picture with the cherry blossoms.
I wish I could find a home for this poem about him.
I love this early picture of him.
I'm glad he had a the best last day we could give him.
Goodbye my sweet Scout Akshaya.
Pic: Scout and me on a Christmas trip to Ohio. He was always up for a selfie... or anything, as long as we were together.
Tuesday, April 22, 2025
bloggy goddess goodness
Lisa and I walked to Daffodil Hill, through a bit of Baker Woods, the Children's Garden, and the Horticultural Gardens and met up with Jeanie at The Broad Art Museum... which was inconveniently closed today. We meandered through Beal Gardens and the Riverwalk back to dinner.
I thought I'd leave Lisa and Jeanie alone to get some one-on-one time (they've known each other for over fifteen years!) to sprint ahead and get dinner started. But when I picked up the mail and turned the corner into the driveway, I saw them sitting on the porch!
Meeting friends you've made online is such an affirming experience--there's such a wealth of already shared experience and so much to talk about. We had a lively dinner with the family--talking about books and movies and what we haven't read, Max and Huck eating sorbet off a spoon under the table. Goodbye came too soon.
Afterwards, At wanted to go see Sinners, so the fam headed to the movies. I closed my eyes through some of the more gory parts and may have accidentally (and characteristically) fallen asleep. The music and score were tremendous. (I love Ryan Coogler's work in Black Panther. We actually bought Fruitvale Station, but I haven't yet been able to steel myself to actually watch it.)
Pic: Jeanie, Lisa, me (and behind us Zaha Hadid's amazing construction for The Broad).
Monday, April 21, 2025
"Just asking, not coming for you"
The Last of Us was a great show we were all watching together until At, who was playing the game, got uncomfortable with some of the politics of it. Once you see the Scars as a stand-in for Palestinian othering, it's difficult to not to be pulled by it. (It's not so much "cancel culture" as being wary of producers normalizing their fucked up worldview through their art. The standard example that comes to mind is Luc Besson's 1994 film The Professional featuring a 13-year-old [12-year-old Natalie Portman] falling in love with an [adult] assassin. Art is art and all stories deserve to get told, but when you learn that Besson himself first met his wife when she was 12, you have to wonder what messages he's embedding, and if he's using his art to manipulate the public's attitude and consent.)
Anyway, my kids tried to make me feel bad about the Kendrick Lamar love, and sent me to this article. Maybe I'm in denial, but apart from platforming Kodak Black, I don't see anything credible? "Just asking, not coming for you," one of them reassured me.
I'm grateful they really do seem to love coming to the Easter Egg Hunt. I'd be okay even if they were just humoring me, but they really, really love it. "It's my favorite tradition," Nu said. I said, "I thought Christmas Eve with new pajamas and lots of books was?" Nu's reply: "No that's yours, because you're a nerd." This is true.
Pic: At, Nu, Max, and Huck following rhyming clues to find eggs. Today, as At was away with friends yesterday.
Wednesday, April 09, 2025
I can't believe
Wednesday, April 02, 2025
calls and rings and tight squeezes
It's At's Boss Day. And as a lovely surprise present to me, she called to say she was coming over for a visit! (At has recently started working with UNTF on the MSU campus and happened to be nearby today.) I can't stay for dinner, she warned, but I warmed up some chocolate chip muffins and I was making a lox sandwich for Nu, so At had one too and then both Nu and At had another, and some cheese straws while I was making the second sandwich, so that, basically, became their dinner.
At and I had gone thrifting a couple of weeks back and after we found and paid for some amazing things (a blue suede jumpsuit, a floral velvet dress) At bought some rings that were kind of ugly. So I thought I'd let At choose from some of my decidedly nicer rings as a treat today.
Nu came upstairs with us too. Not because Nu wanted any rings, but just to assure themselves that if they wanted any rings, I would give them some too. It makes me chuckle to think how in some ways, they're still the jealous little Baby Nu who would grab my face to turn it towards themselves and tell me sternly that I was "not allowed to look at other kids."
Pic: This is a jumble, but it was an unexpected joy today to have my kids--Max and Huck are in there too--all crowded into my closet, being raucous, silly, and jokey. At was the only one with a phone in there and took this photo. It was a tight squeeze in there for so many, and there were many tight squeezy hugs before At headed back.
Monday, March 31, 2025
nice/surprise
It's April 1st tomorrow and who knows what the day will bring--here are a few things that took me by surprise on this last day of March.
I woke up from a dream in which I marveled how in a crowd of strangers we unhesitatingly call ourselves "we." It's true, isn't it? There's something beautiful and magic about that.
I was on a walk and 30 mins from home when a neighbor called to say she'd found Max wandering around her yard and had put him in her screen porch. Obviously, I panicked and called Nu to go over and get Max. Nu went downstairs and then called to tell me Max and Huck were downstairs cuddling on the sofa. Ha. The other puppy was reunited with their family soon after.
For the first time ever, a book I put on hold at the library (Claire Lombardo's The Most Fun We've Ever Had) came in before I caved and got it myself.
Yesterday, while sheltering from the tornado, I realized that Nu and Big A had ordered an arcade Ms. Pac-Man game for the basement. I thought we were in our frugal era! I'm mad. Also that thing is going to be 5-ft tall when it's put together.
Pic: I commented to Suzanne that I planned to make sushi cups from an insta reel I'd seen. I did! I did not expect them to be as as easy as they looked or come out so well (esp. as I ad lib a fair amount). They look a bit color deficient to me as I want all five colors at every meal, but a blueberry-mango-raspberry compote completed the gap at dinner.
Wednesday, March 26, 2025
like an open window
with its great gifts
of unfastened earth
and lightened tasks
talking to myself
and my gods--as if
anyone else would
even be listening--
opening like a fire
Monday, March 24, 2025
family worries
Around my sister's birthday, she seemed to think her job was in jeopardy, and it turns out she was right. She spoke to H.R. yesterday and will be leaving the company at the end of the month (She is a Managing Director at Accenture). This will mean some upheaval for all of us since our parents are currently on her health insurance, but we'll have to figure it out. She's been looking for a lateral move for a couple of months, but feels her age is working against her. I'm very worried about all of this.
And I have a tiny worry about Nu. It feels silly to say it out loud, given the state of the world. But Nu has worn the same seven shirts (washing them like clockwork every week) and Converses for at least three years now--everything is faded and falling apart. It's very environmentally responsible and it's waaaay better than being trendy just to add to the world's trash. But for some reason it makes me sad that my child is limiting themselves this way. When I've brought it up, Nu will rightly point out that they consume a lot of baked goods, CDs, books, and skincare products so they're not exactly an ascetic.
Pic: Huck and Max went to the groomer and came back with spring-themed bandannas that say: "Finally Spring!" And it cheers me up just to look at it. Nu's disdain for the gender-themed blue and pink was also entertaining.
Friday, March 14, 2025
could that be
Last night, I was hanging out with Max and Huck when Nu showed up in the rumpus room at 2:30 or so... They'd headed for bed hours ago, so I was confused, but they told me they were going outside to see the blood moon...
I had no idea! Nu is in an astronomy class at school and that's where they'd heard! Edcuation! Don't disband the Department of Education!
Anyway, we went outside and it was beautiful and surreal. I liked the reversal of Nu showing me something in nature.
Pic: My blurry phone pic of the blood moon. It's Holi today too, and for once it's warm enough to play outside but I didn't plan ahead.
Tuesday, March 04, 2025
Marching Forth Again
I had a full teaching day, talked to my parents on the way to work, got lots of birthday visitors at work, and just... a lovely birthday!
Friends, thank you for your wishes--I felt surrounded by love all day and your wishes in multiple places helped... I am so blessed and so, so grateful.
I wish I'd come to appreciate the serendipitous significance of my March Fourth/March Forth birthday earlier, but I'm running with it now. This year, apart from fighting fascism, I hope to prioritize working meaningfully on some of my longer projects. This was a new year's resolution that didn't quite take, but this is a good time to reset, I suppose.
Big A texted to say he'd "fucked up the cake." (He usually makes the chocolate cake from the recipe on the back of the Hershey's cocoa box, but there was no Hershey's in the store... and chaos!). It was just terrific, BTW. Went out for sushi with the fam, Nu made me a Kandi bracelet, At gave me books, Big A gave me a leaf blower of my very own so we could have leaf blowing duels and the now-customary card scrawled with all the dear details of our year that makes me cry every time.
(Now I can't wait for tomorrow and to be allowed to do stuff again. My parents used to do this, so I probably brought this tradition with me, but the birthday baby isn't allowed to do *anything* over the birthday weekend and sometimes it makes me feel a bit like I'm on a rest cure.)
Pic: Clockwise--Kids (Nu, At, Max, Huck), cake, me.
Monday, March 03, 2025
Pre-birthday!
Big A and I took off for a hike in Sleepy Hollow State Park, I've wanted to go back with him ever since I went with work friends last month. He downloaded the six-mile loop trail, but I wanted to go around the island too, as it's really picturesque, and then we got lost for a bit--so it ended up being more like eight miles.
At one point, Big A pointed at a plastic tube and looked at me very meaningfully, and I didn't know what he meant--like was he mad that someone had dropped their chapstick? Turned out it was a shotgun casing. I'd never seen one in my life before. We found a bunch more further down the trail, but didn't meet any hunters.
Birthday cards and a garden catalog (Spring is coming!) were in the mail and we got Subway for dinner as a treat. Online birthday greetings are beginning to trickle in (my school friend's big sis in New Zealand is always the first one to wish me), I've had birthday calls with my sister and my uncle, my birthday fundraiser is over halfway there (I set a bigger goal than usual, fingers crossed), I'm on my way! Yay!
Pic:Lake Ovid behind me. Sleepy Hollow State Park.
Wednesday, February 26, 2025
Updates and Pup-dates
Nance and Lisa mentioned GoodsUniteUs in the comments the other day as a way of checking out the politics of companies we're giving our $$ to. I agree that they're outstanding.
On a similar note, I've used Buycott in the past to check out specific brands--the app can scan UPCs, QRs, and barcodes while you're in the store.
Engie mentioned looking up local stores on social media to get a read on their politics as well--I hadn't thought of that!
J mentioned that she would be supporting local businesses and using cash, and that's such a great way to bypass the system. Several friends have mentioned this as a way to support small businesses as well.
Stephany wondered where one would go for basics in the long term, and I haven't figured that one out yet. Bodegas?
The People's Union USA is taking the lead on Friday's economic shutdown--they're very new and worth/need keeping tabs on.
Pic: I find it so hilarious when Max does this--he bops Huckie on the head when he wants to play. They've already cleared all the pillows off the couches, but apparently there's more wild rumpus to follow.
Sunday, February 16, 2025
a stranger sonnet
for it is also right there and alright
ready to wait for these letters
Friday, February 14, 2025
the drumming in the wilderness
Thursday, February 13, 2025
killing medicine
Big A posted this publicly, and I'm sharing a part of what he wrote here. The whole thing is basically a valediction for the medical progress he's seen over the course of his career and the reverses that are already beginning to happen.
This is just one of the many, many, many stories from people like him who have devoted their lives to making a difference and are now seeing everything they've worked for being dismantled in a matter of days.
Monday, February 10, 2025
my tiny domestic tragedies
Last year, when he ended up in the hospital for a week it was because of complications from the long Covid he got when he went to help out in NYC at the peak of the pandemic in May 2020 (way before any vaccine). So this third round of Covid terrifies me on a deep level--I keep imagining the effects lingering on even after things seem normal.
In the hits keep coming department: Nu's extensive filling came out, they slipped and fell on the ice, and their phone stopped working. Guess which thing made them cry? I'll have to get things fixed for my baby tomorrow.
This piece by Mhawish "I Spoke With 20 People in Gaza After the Ceasefire. My Heart Broke 20 Times" is as heartbreaking as it sounds, and is searingly poetic and will live inside me forever. This is massacre delicately uncovered to help us understand how excruciating the human loss in *each* of the hundreds of thousands reported dead, injured, and bereaved. How domestic tragedies multiply into humanitarian disgrace...
Pic: It's still icy, but there was some fresh snow, which made it easier to walk on and brilliant blue skies and sunshine. Max, Huck, and I are easily pleased, I guess.
Friday, February 07, 2025
it's not novel anymore?
This is round #3 of Covid for him.
Also, if that wasn't enough, he accidentally got stuck with a needle from a patient with Hepatitis-C as it was being disposed. That's counted as an active exposure and so he'll have to get tested and keep getting tested for a few months to make sure he doesn't develop that too. Hep-C is very serious, and the more I read about it, the the more it feels like I'm looking down an abyss.
Both these things are exposure because of his being in the E.R., of course. We joke about how his job is apocalypse-proof and he'll get paid in potatoes and eggs because he delivered people's babies or set their bones. But I'm ready for him to find another job. (Nu too, probably. They weren't happy about having to cancel the sleepover they had planned for tonight and they were going to hang out and get ready for the school dance with friends here tomorrow too.)
Pic: Everything is frozen and this morning Max and Huck decided to play right in the center of the pond we dug last year. I know I could wade in and rescue them, but I do worry about the ice cracking and dunking them into the water...
Multicultural Metropole
Our class went to Metropolitan University for a talk with Sunny Singh today. I had the same soft argument with Sunny as I've previously...

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Friends and old neighbors shutting it down in honor of John Crawford. _
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