when you name the day

my prow is a prayer

this current is kismet

the surge, the surface

of an uneven stream

my thoughts are a fleet

treading the questions  

going in two directions

expecting new answers

I listen to many breaths

before shifting into song 

build up slips and glissades 

till they hold things whole

say you can hear me call out

even from this rough cradle

O, how the world amazes

for all its rocky embrace

________________

Pic: There were a pair of kayakers trying to get past the bumpy white water on the Red Cedar last week. One got through and the other had to rock back and forth for a long time to free themselves.

Update: The roofers are done; they're gone! Dinner at home with AK and EM, while Big A napped. I loved my friends trying to convince Nu (and all of us, really) that there are whole weeks of summer vacation left.

roofer madness

I woke up to Max and Huckie going bonkers at the crack of dawn and realized there were people moving stuff in the garden and laying down tarps. Turns out they were there to fix the roof... No one had told me they were going to be doing that today? I mean we've been fixing the roof for years at this point, so I'm happy for the work to get done, but I would have appreciated a heads-up.

Mosquitoes seemed to be eating them alive, so I went to fetch them some bug spray... and by the time I came back with it, one of those huge dumpsters had been dropped off right in front of the garage, effectively cutting us off from using our cars for the rest of the day. (It was one of those dumpsters that needs a tow truck to move it.) I immediately canceled our appointments (Nu's Derm, pest control, and a volunteer intake). I hoped that being housebound would make it a writing day, but it was too hard to concentrate with the constant noise. 

There's a Britney song called "Lucky" whose beginning always makes me smile ruefully. I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for the subject who is woken up in the "early morning" as it's "time for makeup." But I always find myself thinking about all the people who needed to wake up way before she did for way less pay. Anyway, that's a bit like me complaining about the roofers when they're here to help us fix the roof, and are the ones who are actually working outside despite the heat and the bugs.

Pic: A robin in a tree unfazed by our commotion.

feeling the headlines

1) There's a sense of hope in the air with Biden going bye-bye after his toddler-esque tantrum about having to leave. Even if it's only the relief that politicians can hear and respond to people's concerns. 

2) Also a great surge of energy for Harris in terms of new volunteers, campaign donations, and a record number of union endorsements. They said it couldn't be done, they said it would be disastrous. They don't know everything. 

3) Israel orders people to evacuate from Khan Younis. Evacuate to where? 

4) Sonya Massey should be alive. It is not a crime to remove boiling water from a stove. Let alone one deserving capital punishment.

5) A war criminal has landed in D.C. with literal dirty laundry.

Pic: I went to Trader Joe's; Big A went to Whole Foods (across the street). He sent me this pic (of myself) from the traffic light to let me know I was in his sights and that he would be picking me up soon. 

summer delirium

flowers breathe their ardor 

clouds nudge me closer

my body--full like fruit--

is sticky as joy 

 

it finds the wild impatience 

of my unfurled heart 

it knows what has happened:

I felt myself precious 

and know I can meet myself

at every return 

_________________________

After a week of being unable to hold a storyline in my head, I found two excellent reads. The 57 Bus was a genre I didn't even know existed--YA nonfiction. It starts with a sleeping agender teenager being set on fire, and if you told me at that point that I'd be crying for anyone else in that book, I'd not have believed you. Yesterday I started The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida (2022 Booker) as a sort of prep/procrastination before I read Brotherless Night (2024 Women's Prize), which has the same political timeframe and framework. I know Brotherless Night will be heartbreaking for what it documents and also because I witnessed how long and difficult the writing process was for VVG (SG). Anyway, The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida begins with the protagonist's experience of a post-death afterworld and gave me nightmares after having been at the hospital last week. But the writing was so layered and so, so, so good I couldn't stop. Just brilliant. 

Pic: JN shared this pic of her summer--a cocktail of butterflies, bees, flowers, blue sky, and clouds--it made me pretty buzzy.

more in boring updates

I did some more boring things today, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing them... I watered the zillion plants,  weeded (inside and outside), dug up hundreds of rocks to edge the pond, and accidentally cleaned my closet. (I couldn't find the pretty Farm Rio blouse I'd uncharacteristically paid full price for at the height of the pandemic*, and couldn't remember if I'd "filed" it with my blue/green/yellow/red blouses or with my summer blouses or my beach tops. Found it it among the blues!)

And after blowing people off and flaking on fun stuff all this week (in retrospect, I wish I had gone to the Ann Arbor Art Festival yesterday!), I finally made it out to dinner with friends. There were leftovers galore for Nu and Big A (who'd encouraged me to go), and I brought them dessert from the restaurant, and they both did just fine without me. Huck, Max, and I shared an icecream bar later, so they forgave me too.

Pic: It was my first time at Bobcat Bonnie's, a restaurant inside the cast-off dining car from an old train now parked near the stadium. It's also right next to a train track, and I was SO excited when a real train passed by our window. EM teased me for it, as a train track runs through the bottom of our backyard and I see (and hear) trains all the time. 

*I am such a sucker for anything with a bird on it.

gimme, gimme, (s)more(s)*

Holding

The chips fall 
(from where they are ranged 

on my shoulder)
but tonight I find naught but light 

I hear myself sing 
(leaning in to kiss in the pauses 

like percussion)

with happiness a parade of hope

_____________________

Pic: Nu and Big A making smores this evening. Huck and Max like marshmallows too. (Look at all the empty chairs... I always said we needed more kids!) 

Also: All we needed this week was to be home. Apparently, it was an Amazon Prime Day or something, but we needed nothing. And today, I guess there's a global tech outage that's screwing up business and travel? It's a good thing we'd already planned to stay home all day.

* This is always sung to that Britney song, "Gimme More."

outliving

friends who live out by the cemetery say

the dead do make the quietest neighbors

agreeable too--fences are barely necessary 

                        but no fences disentangle us

                        from our now and those past

                        or indeed can adjust between

                         how we thrive or just survive  

                        for the dead always stowaway

                        mixed in memory, regret, desire

                         or we're here with those dying 

                         as we may hear (only) later

life exists unceded--rain, roses, blood... have

stayed the same way. And even when dying--

still stars climb, punctuating skies for lifetimes

_____________________

Note: An accidental and untidy sonnet. From working through some big feelings, probably. Funny how there's no getting away from high school Frost and Eliot for me.

Pic: On this bright-blue-sunshiny day, I got a lovely swing-and-snooze in the new hammocks I hung up (to replace the ones we've had since before the pandemic).

all's right

Alright. So... While I won't go into too many details, the reason for Big A's hospitalization last week was because when he volunteered for Covid relief in NYC back in May 2020, he'd contracted it there. This was at the height of the pandemic and pre-vaccine--and he's had unusual heart, GI, and dermatological issues since. They seem related, but that's just a vibe at this point because treatment seems frustratingly confined to specific anatomical systems (heart/GI/derm/etc.) and not holistic in the least. 

Anyway, I had a lovely day at home--just excited to be here and even finding doing mundane stuff like laundry oddly--and deeply--satisfying.

Pic: Max and Huckie playing with Big A. It all feels right in my world.

la-la-la-la-la

I turned into a mom-taxi today taking Nu to job interviews and Max to his vet appointment. And while I was out and about, I saw things that terrified me:

* random red and gold leaves on the ground

* all the summer stuff at Target is 50% off and they're stocking the back-to-school displays

* an email reminding me that our opening convocation is on August 21

It's still so bright and lovely out and I haven't done all the summer things and don't want to think of summer ending already. 

(Also despite the four-leaved clovers, the bad luck hits keep coming.) 

I'm going to cover my ears and go la-la-la-la for a while.

Pic: The Red Cedar under a beautiful sky yesterday.

naming our vineyard

Another quiet day here today. All I had in my pictures folder was this reminder that we have volunteer grapevines (with tight clusters of unripe grapes) in the driveway. It reminded me of Nicole living on a vineyard and I amused myself by wondering what we might name our "vineyard". (Because, as I don't know much about wine, clever names and fun labels are the most important part of the wine business for me.) 

I think it would have to be something with "Doggie" in it. I mean, that was the main contender when we changed our family name 17 years ago... Doggie Tales? Domaine d' Doggie? Woof Woof Winery?

(As it turned out, when we finally changed our name, we knit together one of my family names and part of Big A's. I love that he changed his name as well, and always think about how he had to petition the courts and pay a fee to do that--our current patriarchal system is not set up for men to change their names when they get married.)

Pic: One of our volunteer grapevines. I don't know how the vineyards further north do it, because our grapes aren't at all ripe by the time Fall rolls around...

observance

no doors will open 
only borders
and they are

the preludes
to resentment

but think if only you
could be very

quiet, become 
very small you 
could slip through

to sit liminal as a god 
at the crossroads
agonize, organize
infinite as the sun...
falls down 

_________________

Note: Not much of a July 4th celebration this year. On a logistical level, LB, my usual Independence Day date is off at a wedding. Plus it was rainy, so I felt less inclined to seek out parades and outdoor concerts, and Nu and Big A like a low-key evening anyway. On a critical level, the past week of Supreme Court rulings (esp. criminalizing homeless people while giving presidents almost monarchial immunity) has shaken me. "America doesn't deserve a birthday party this year" is a theme/mood on my socials. Also: a lot of anticipatory dread and anxiety about the upcoming elections (esp. as I foresee a lot of in-fighting on the left). I wonder--and worry--about where we'll be as a nation next year this time.

Pic: A red-white-and-blue pic of Lansing fireworks SJ shared.

reading signs

if thoughts are flocks
would they be
of birds 
or sheep

when simplicity opens 
will I find it
an entrance
or interruption

_________________

Pic: A giant dragonfly perches on a lilypad. (At the two-o-clock mark.)

"Together Again"

A dear friend gave me tickets to the Janet Jackson "Together Again" show, so Big A and I went. It was a trip. (Also a trip: how much Janet Jackson there has been in my week!)

Oh, how I adored "That's the Way Love Goes" as a young 'un. It used to be a whole mood. And being at the show felt like being in the 1990s again. I could kinda see the crowd as the teenagers they were years ago. And though we're all very different (I lived on a completely different continent back then), the music gave us all a shared context.

Anyway--it was a terrific show: four costume changes, lots of medleys, updated lyrics and riffs, cool dancers... and the opening act was Nelly (he of the "It's Getting Hot in Heeeere" track so beloved by my mom)! 😂🤣

Pic: A pre-show ussie of me and Big A.

accident/destiny/serendipity

We didn't want to say goodbye, but we did. TJA was going to leave after breakfast, but we kept putting it off and it was lunchtime before we packed up her car for the drive back. On today's walk, while I was telling her about the four-leaved clovers I'd found... we found two more! 

Pic: The Red Cedar on the other side of the Spartan Stadium. Right after I passed this point, my phone was playing a Janet Jackson song and I got a text from TJA which was just... another Janet Jackson song. In retrospect, I guess it's not such a big deal--we're both from that generation--but I was so delighted by what seemed like a magical coincidence when it happened. Like the way we'd burst into goosebumps randomly because of something one of us had said.

holding on to love

Spent all day with TJA, who's visiting for the weekend. And it was like having the perfect visit (beer garden, walks, talks, puppy times, thrifting, falafel stand, book store, massages, Thai food).

We were young mamas together, and now our youngest ones are nearly grown, and our sisterhood has held. My only worry before TJA arrived was about holding my tongue about Dave Chappelle to whom she's very close and about whom I have opinions. But even that came up at dinner and we both said our earnest pieces and then we just held each other tight for a long time.

I'm afraid I've neglected my little family though. Nu had plans with a friend, so they were ok. But when I texted Big asking when he'd be ready for dinner, he texted back "Two hours ago" with a tongue-out emoji. (There were leftovers from Friday's dinner and he's a grown-up in a house with a stocked pantry and freezer so no real harm done though.)

Pic: TJA and me in the tea garden; pic by Nu.

arc of return

we're warm enough already

(in the midst of a heatwave)

this discomfort of embrace

if by night you were a city

dawn finds you drawn tight

more neon than moonlight

with this morning on your mind

you check your trust, our tracks

and you look back you look back

________________________

Pic: TWO four-leaved clovers I found on a walk with Max and Huck. Here's to good luck!

an unexpected red carpet

We took a 40% pay cut when Big A moved his job back to Michigan (I always count it as worth it!), so we've been discussing selling the house to downsize. (It does make me sad, but also... there are way worse fates in the world, and our dilemma pales in comparison.)

We've been holding off as Nu is headed for their last year of high school, and it would be too disruptive to move to a different school district at this point. 

It's worth noting that when we moved to this house, there were six humans (both kids were home and my parents lived with us for six months of the year). This house would be way too big for just A and me. On the other hand, we love this house and its happy memories so much and would be happy to stay here until the kids move us to a retirement home. We'll have to see how things shake out. 

Speaking of retirement homes, Nu told us with a straight face at dinner that when the time came, they'd be putting us in different homes because "you two together are too much." Both Big A and I pleaded and offered all kinds of silly bribes, but no--it will have to be different homes. I mean... I know it was meant to be funny, but it made me really sad to imagine living out my final days without A. And I was already in a bad place because of a sad book (Catherine Newman's We All Want Impossible Things).

Pic: Our walk through South Campus was disrupted due to construction. The construction crew has kindly put down a reddish tarp to indicate the detour, and it looks for all the world like an unexpected red-carpet experience.

up and down and all around

The writing group didn't meet today... but good news about two conference acceptances. I'll chair the panel on narrative medicine; and I'm really excited about the panel I organized, titled, "If You Build It, They Will Come: Critical Feminist Practices for Campuses, Communities, and Campus-Community Partnerships."

I think we've finally finished edging the pond... but there have been some work-related woes, so we may be putting the house up for sale if things don't turn around. I'm determined to enjoy it while we're here!

I loved Sandwich so much, that I downloaded We All Want Impossible Things right away... and it's just so sad, I don't know that I can go on.

A long walk with Big A with the weather app predicting no rain as we set off... and then after we got to the halfway point, it began to rain. Oh, well, I'm not actually made of sugar.

Pic: A family of geese out on an outing.

a handful of summer things

It feels like I just got home from a fun family beach vacation on Cape Cod because I just finished Catherine Newman's Sandwich. I'd picked it up on Nicole's recommendation. Actually, the whole novel felt like it was being narrated by Nicole with that characteristic sense of warmth, humor, personal history, and integrity. I snorted and chuckled and laughed out loud so much while reading this on the cloud reader, that everyone knew I wasn't working on my laptop. Also: Was there a character called Maya? (Yes, there was.) Was she the same age, and at the same stage in her PhD, as when I used to go up to Truro for a week every summer as a guest of a dear friend's family? (Yes, she was.) 

And inspired by something Jenny did a couple of weeks back, I treated myself to a trip to the bookstore. I browsed and browsed but didn't buy anything although I still have my birthday bookstore money to spend.

Also: I got a massage after months off.  Wonderful R, who used to make house calls, has moved away. I had bought myself some massage gift certs around the holidays, but the person was flaky about scheduling and then sent a group text that they couldn't honor the certs because they had been diagnosed with cancer. (They're being sued by a bunch of people who say they have proof this is a ploy. But I keep thinking what if they really do have cancer--how shitty would that be to have to fight these BBB claims while also fighting cancer and being impoverished by having to pay for treatments under our horrible healthcare system?) Anyway, I'd already spent half a year's budget on massages, so I had to wait until now. I got an acupressure session today, and it feels hurts so good right now.

Pic: Eating my colors. This is the poké bowl I made for Big A's Boss Day: Miso rice, shaved sprouts, grated carrots, chopped cucumber, avocado, cherry tomatoes, mango, and tiny peppers + broiled salmon/tofu. I was going to add arugula before plating, but I forgot.

...the little children

our world wanes thin 

this hard-won hope 

afire and at once

*

               sky bright - tear dark

                flowering - hungry

                  prayers - profanity

*

its ruined road looks

back, asks us a riddle

shadowed answers 

*

                  seem to see a child

                 say just some child

                  it is the same child 

_____________________

Note: I was going for "suffer the little children" for the title with its biblical sense of "allow" but also to evoke the idea of suffering.

I think some of the early images came from a dream in which someone I admired told me something was "not strong, but it is right." I was very impressed by this insight in the dream and on waking up. But I agree with Big A that it doesn't really seem to make sense or hold up.

________________________________________________________

Pic: The first ripened tomato from the veggie plot. May there be many more (if the deer, squirrels, birds, chipmunks, slugs, bugs, groundhogs, and bunnies grant).