invisible mountains I exhaled
Wednesday, September 20, 2023
an unfolding
invisible mountains I exhaled
Monday, September 18, 2023
bridges
Also: It occurred to me yesterday that not spending as much time with L as I usually do (our individual travel plans and illness patterns and work schedules have been bonkers) may also be impacting my sense of wellbeing... L is the absolute best.
Pic: Construction on the east Red Cedar riverwalk project underway.
Sunday, September 17, 2023
Why now?!
BOL said I was probably too busy putting out fires to let myself feel my feelings last year, and that they're coming to the fore precisely because I have some breathing room now. That immediately made so much sense to me, I told them they should be a counsellor or something. (They are a counsellor; so we laughed about that.)
Pic: Baker Woods with BSL this afternoon.
Wednesday, September 13, 2023
alternate endings
where you are just a small name
on the dark seated in your mouth
Tuesday, September 12, 2023
the things we (don't) carry
2) Max had his neutering surgery yesterday. I know it's the right and responsible thing to do and all that. But at the same time it feels like we made a decision for him and that part makes me uncomfortable. My very irreverent kids were making jokes about "twin balls" and yesterday's date--that also made me uncomfortable.
3) I have a wardrobe overfull of decades of clothes I could technically wear, but rarely do. And I never seem to have time to devote to a proper cull. What has been working for me is to fill one donation bag every day. I just walk around shopping in my closet for stuff I think someone else might like and I'm finally freeing up some space (and sometimes rediscovering long ago favorites).
4) It feels like I carry sadness--it's like a barrel my arms barely meet around--with me lately, and I wish I could put it on the things-not-to-carry list as well. Some of it is missing Scout and some of it is generalized worry about the other kids, my parents, deadlines, global poverty, the climate crisis, our finances, and so on and so on. But mostly it feels inexplicable, incessant... and exhausting.
Pic: JN's "giant vagina." JN made this when Michigan rep. Lisa Brown and then Senator Gretchen Whitmer performed The Vagina Monologues on the state capitol steps after Brown was barred from speaking in the senate because she had referenced her vagina. JN's sign had been hanging in the lobby of the local Planned Parenthood, but is now back with JN and is her latest piece of lawn art. We toasted to it this past weekend.
Saturday, September 09, 2023
game on
If we'd been the least bit interested in American football, we'd have known that MSU had a home game today. After a summer of basically having all of campus to ourselves, we were startled to see a football stadium's worth of people pouring out of every street and building. I mean, it's their campus, not ours--but it didn't stop us from feeling somewhat affronted. Ha.
And then I decamped to go do things with friends. As Nu hugged me goodbye as I was leaving, they dolefully asked if they were having dinner without me again (I got home late after student activities yesterday too). I felt momentarily guilty, but Nu and Big A take any evening I'm gone as a mandate to order junk food they love, so I know they actually have a great time.
I had a great time with two sets of girlfriends too.
Pic: We're pretending to be mannequins because we were all dressed up and there was this empty storefront. It's too bad the glare ruined the concept a bit, but I still love how fabulous the voluminous salwar suit my aunt gave me when I was in India looks.
Friday, September 08, 2023
cool summer
Things I love RN:
* IYKYK: Current tube of mascara that's at the perfect level of sticky (not fresh-out-of-packaging watery or time-to-retire dry).
* FTW: Big bags of brussel sprouts--they're just mini cabbages, aren't they? They seem to never go moldy and that means I can find something fresh to slice into stir-fries or salads even the day before I absolutely need to grocery shop.
* JIC: This weird hack--lace undies about two sizes up. They look cool and are cooling--I loved post-partum mesh undies, and I love these.
* TBH: The easy grading options on Canvas. I'm so current with grading right now. (And also so much love for my FYS students who are being real champs about transitioning to college.)
* FTW: Lavender oil--I'm using it for hands, face, hair, laundry, and bathroom counters. Also cookies.
* OMG: Officially, there're still two weeks of summer left!
Pic: Smores with students after the faculty meeting that went on until 5:30 today.
Tuesday, September 05, 2023
yesterday's sunrise
frees the cynical coals flaring
in my heart
blesses the vermillion wounds
of my soul
speeds in a blessed contagion
to forgive
-------------------
Pic: Yesterday's sunrise over Mackinaw Island bay. Water and celestial bodies make me so happy! The birds on the water are geese, not swans, but the scene reminded me of Yeats's "The Wild Swans at Coole."
Monday, September 04, 2023
Ugh! Anyway! Onward!
I got a very nice walk in the early dark with Huck and Max and some lovely pictures at sunrise this morning. Then I woke up Nu and Big A and we got showers and breakfasts and got on the ferry and then on the road before things got too crowded.
I kept seeing puppies in the clouds on our way home--someone told me that when that happened it was Scout coming to visit... it was certainly a sky full of Scout and his friends today. It's my Boss Day, and Scout always got so excited when people sang the Boss Day song, so it seems apropos.
When we made the reservations for this trip back in March, we expected to travel with Scout. When I had that t-shirt made with Scout and Huck's pictures on it for Big A last Christmas, little did I know we wouldn't have Scout with us for the next one... How unpredictable life is... it's no wonder I've been having more anxiety attacks lately. Ugh! Anyway! Onward! (I should embroider this somewhere as my motto.)
Pic: On the ferry back from Mackinac Island. I like this picture, because I can see Big A and Nu and me... and also Huck and Max on the floor and Scout's picture on the edge of Big A's t-shirt. (Also, I feel like a shiny insect in these sunglasses. And also, I cut my hair myself just before school started and think I did a good job.)
Saturday, September 02, 2023
summer retreat
it's my errand as the sun goes blind
some general theory of dispossession
shredding the faces of flowers
until they become a synonym of before
Pic: Max discovers the hideout of Kylo, the black squirrel who regularly taunts the puppies. There's a train behind the tree-line too.
Friday, September 01, 2023
a DALMAC house
Big A is doing the DALMAC, the multi-day camping bike tour from Lansing to Mackinaw Island. He left yesterday, and the first stop on the tour is near the town where I teach. It's so silly, but we were SO EXCITED TO MEET at school this morning and I walked him to the water fountain so he could fill his water bottles. We hugged and held hands all the way and then kissed behind a pillar.
There was practically no one around at 7:50 am, but in retrospect, this still seems silly. I have no idea why we're like this or when we're going to stop being silly and embarrassing.
Pic: A selfie Big A sent me at the start of the ride yesterday. I think he looks so much like his baby picture in this!Thursday, August 31, 2023
until 2037
Monday, August 28, 2023
It's happening...
I'm ready.
I'm not.
I don't know!
All my materials are ready, so I should feel ready too? Tomorrow will be here soon, anyway.
I've been excited and anxious about the first day of school since I was about five or six. It's probably the longest unbroken seasonal tradition I've got. That and sitting in the first row. The child advocacy organization we visited on Saturday posted a picture of our group on the socials... and there I am... sitting nerdily in the first row as always.
Pic: A lone maple leaf settles on our freshly redone street.
Friday, August 25, 2023
down
Woke up to see these two huge trees down. The backyard is about 75-100 feet in width and these trees are all of that and more.
I was grateful that they seemed to have missed stuff that was important to me: my people, the house, the picnic table my parents gave us when the kids were small, the dogwood tree my friends gave me for a birthday, and so on. But the tree fall took the pink cherry blossom tree out, sadly.
Other than that, no lasting damage, but it is terrifying to think what might have happened if the trees had fallen across the house. The trees are not ours--they belong to a neighboring church. I wrote the church's people again, urging them to get a tree survey and prune/cut as necessary before something horrific happens.
Every day when I take Max out in the morning, I go by Scout's memorial and sound the wind chimes. I was blocked on both sides by these trees this morning, and couldn't reach Scout's memorial--that was when everything began to hit me.
Pic: Two trees lying across the backyard. I took this picture in the early morning light and from a second floor window, so the size and scale of the damage are a bit off.
Thursday, August 24, 2023
crashing
Also a ton of meetings; I crashed hard at my seventh meeting of the day at 4:00 pm. I was so afraid I was going to fall asleep right at the conference table, I started to rearrange the stickers on my computer.
At came to dinner and when I was dropping them off at their place we got caught in a terrific thunderstorm: trees falling onto the road, tornado warning, the works. Visibility was so bad as the rain was just sheeting across the windshield--there was no way to tell where I was driving, if the river had flooded etc. And nowhere to pull over safely either.
Terrific crashes in our backyard too, I guess morning will show us the damage.
Pic: Before the storm--Nu, Big A, & At at dinner; Max and Huck are under the table. We're planning a trip to a state park for Big A's big birthday in two months!
Tuesday, August 22, 2023
Ok, half-full
If yesterday was being amused about colleagues coaxing me to eat more food, today was indignation.
If yesterday was perfect picnic weather, today was the sudden rain right as we had to move to another building.
If yesterday was the magic of shaving seven minutes off the commute, today was the delay brought on by tens of thousands of MSU students moving into the dorms across our house.
If yesterday was the euphoria of seeing my people, today was the reality of budget cuts, missing colleagues, metrics of the market, defunding of programs, polarization of higher ed, marginalization of the humanities, potential terminations, and so many new people hired as adjuncts. StephLove was right to remind me in the comments yesterday.
I'm on the Educational Policy Committee and just got elected to the Faculty Tenure and Promotion Committee. Let's see what I can do to make this a place that works for students and makes my colleagues want to stay. Once more into the fray to do the best I can.
Pic: MSU flower bed from last week. I haven't hiked or walked in days.
Monday, August 21, 2023
full
We're officially back at work as Fall Conference started today. And I'm so full and excited from seeing everyone after summer break and catching up and being introduced to new people and talked into new committees and and and... It hasn't been quite like this since the start of the pandemic... Being with colleagues and friends is not something I take for granted anymore. I may have sardonically shared The Chronicle's "First Faculty Meeting of the Year Bingo card" on the group chat, but I sincerely and nerdily love my work.
A lot of the socializing took place over three meals on campus, so I'm feeling pretty full on that count too.
Pic: Walking back to my car after the all-campus picnic.
Saturday, August 19, 2023
you have no idea
Friday, August 18, 2023
chances are
Monday, August 14, 2023
the gloaming
I always think of the gloaming as a place (like a glen, a clearing in the glen, as in "they went into the gloaming and were lost") until I remember it's a time--it's just twilight, that strange gloomy time.
Here's Max, my big goofball, my KoolAid guy, hanging out with me at the end of a long day when I went in to work and took meetings (office plants are watered and doing fine) and also weeded and trimmed in the secret garden. It looks lush now although the only color deer will consistently allow us are spikes, dragon's breath, and geraniums, there are some roses and white phlox in there too.
I went into the plant section when I stopped for groceries earlier, and the attendant tipped me off to a giant sale coming next week. Will I be brave enough to replace some perennials then? We shall see. Also mums are in the store already and I'm not ready for that.
Pic: Max in the gloaming.
an unfolding
I have been dreaming of people invisible mountains I exhaled into existing twisting, quickening and though short-lived as grass, are seeds...

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At had us pose for this pic up at Aunt R's place on Lake Huron so he could put it up in his dorm. "Don't tur...
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Today is the birthday of the best sister in the whole world (mine:)! Happy, Happy Birthday, Chelli! [AA, my favorite aunt in the whole world...
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Friends and old neighbors shutting it down in honor of John Crawford. _