proxy-mity

now is for understanding 

these things of today 
if they ricochet

the things of tomorrow
merely play at 

pilgrimage 

in concessions unexamined 

a syllabus of my grief

in the way

the assignment compulsory 
each option an arsenal 

regret every rule

she does not take me with her

but I carry her everywhere

a sort of possession 

___________________

Pic: A hike through Central Park South after a trip to the Farmers' Market with Big A. Although this looks woodsy, all this is right in the middle of town, and Big A made me laugh by pointing out that our usual movie theater was visible on our left.

But what could go right?

It's probably obvious to everyone who sees me, but it has been tough. In a month, it will have been a year. A whole year since my mom. 

Already, It has been a whole year since I saw her. 

But what could go right? 

*I went to UU for the first time in years. At first, I couldn't go because of Scout. Sitting in meditation or silence would make me cry, and I didn't even want to try after my mom. But I needed the peace of silence, of community. In these times, I need to know I'm not alone in my fight against fascism. They have an online option and I've restarted there for now.

*When the Canadian wildfire smoke was in full force, the acrid air made me think Canada was performing a smudging ritual (like burning sage) to help us through our annus horribilis. 

*The Odyssey movie was... wow. The mythology worked even without the gods. I would have liked more poetry and mystery, but there was plenty to geek out about. 

*This is old news, but Spain won the World Cup! Not going to pretend I'm a huge soccer fan, but I'm a huge fan of Spain and Pedro Sanchez right now for their staunch and principled support of Palestine, and the final became a sort of proxy arena for that whole issue. And the clips of Lamine Yamal and his toddler brother are just too cute.

*Abdul El Sayed, whom At had campaigned for as Governor back in 2018, and who is in this pic (At is on the extreme right), won a very closely watched primary, as did Will Lawrence, another DSA candidate. As my father-in-law, who's visiting for a while, said at dinner yesterday--now our lawn signs can stay up until November.

Pic: I'm finding my way... through Baker Woods.

crossing

in that room I have never left

this body drifts away from me

I've  mislaid an empty  head

crowds have taken its words

lines  shudder unprofitably

--because all are weeping--

you can tell how it ended 

though it won't ever end 

I learn to regret  the future

not  the  inconsistent  pasts

of the anticipated machinery 

I'm now at liberty to recite 

_______________________________________

Pic: Floating Dale Chihuly orbs at Meijer Sculpture Gardens in Grand Rapids. (Trip with Cousin P this week.)

present

these evenings: concerts, movies, friends

open beach, live oaks, flowers spilling

bells with no alarms

the cherry tree dropping shade to make 

a room, bowing to the fullness 

and newness of moons

the rain and incense of the morning

to awaken with earnest relief 

to know--it's still summer

 

though should you let the faucet run 

long enough, a revolutionary 

shock of cold water 

pulled well deep from inside earth

--as if from memory, reminds you 

of the tablet of days

the year's cool capsule of seasons

 ricocheting, recalling summer

as late blooming laughter

Pic: From the A$AP Rocky concert, live helicopter and all, 7/8 in Detroit. 

I had to cram the setlist the day of, because I wasn't familiar with most of his work.

I wish I had more patience...

Big A and I worked on dredging the pond all day and he thinks (correctly) that we should let things dry before we repair, but I want to just go ahead and refill it up already.

I typed up a response to the Whistler text book club after dinner, but it seemed too late to text. I'm mentally hopping from foot to foot, waiting for it to be mid morning so we can unpack more delicious details.

The mango pickle I started (based on memories and vibes of my grandmother's) needs time to cure, but I keep opening the jar for just a little sniff.

The submissions to the project with EM are beginning to come in, and I love everything and just want to tell every author their submission is accepted although that won't be feasible.

Pic: Max adores Nu. I mean, he loves watermelon, but Nu, he just worships.

born on the fourth

Happy fourth to anyone celebrating!

I was born on the fourth (of March), so today is my "Boss Day." I decided to protect my sanity today and take a news break to avoid having to see the people in charge. 

As if to cement this, yesterday's storm gave us some felled trees. The one across the driveway effectively walled us off from the world. No one was getting to us, and we weren't going anywhere.

Big A and I had a meditative retreat planned for today. I even wore all my crystals, expecting to find transcendence... Nothing. But I still had a peaceful good time though.

Another tree that fell in the back seems to have broken our pond and all the water is slowly emptying out. I'm so worried about the creatures that lived in there.

Pic: I felt like Sleeping Beauty when I woke up this morning to see I couldn't even see into the street. 

because I was raised by her

today I went back to dying

to falling down in places... 

in pieces, my eyes pitching

bones separate like solitude 

tears won't ask me questions

(they have seen inside me)

just don't call me to witness

as I travel to how I used to be

________________

Note: Inevitable comparisons with last year this time when I was so excited for my mom and sis to visit. My mom had already started her shenanigans, much to my delight.

Pic: Our water lily bloomed! (Not allowed to talk about algae right now.)

lifeline

for S.L.E.

1996-2025

look--how connected we are, we two

look--how  far  away the stars' gleam

who's to tell tomorrow what life-sized 

event can make us seem separate too

 rain protests like Rorschach shrapnel 

against the mouths of the buildings

 that swallow us, windows watching 

us spend outlawed, ongoing words 

my mind, just a machine of memory

all my notes veering between theory

or grocery lists... and in your mind

life a dimming rhythm of  wrongs

you dwell on answers, staying only 

for the songs: yes, yes, yes, and no

O, though it starts in a field of fear 

my heart was there for you to hold 

_________________

Somehow it's a year since S, At's ex, died by suicide.

(I tried to work with the different connotations of "lifeline" like umbilical cords, palm creases in fortune telling, lifespans, and maritime rescue.)

Pic: Seagulls along a Saronic coastline.

Fathers, First Heroes

A long FaceTime with my dad first thing in the morning. Everything about this post is so true and his hair is still so luxurious except strikingly all silver. Hopefully, that's me someday!

The rest of the day was trying to make sure that At and Nu remembered to do something nice for Big A and that Big A called his dad. I'd ordered a custom bracelet for Big A with all five kids' names on it (Scout too, naturally).

Flashback: At our rehearsal dinner, At (whose bio dad died when they were a toddler) asked if Big A could be "dad." And when we were having Nu, Big A legally adopted At so there would be no question in At's mind or anyone else's that he was truly dad. This was one of the things that made my mom love Big A so extra. Maybe me too.

Pic: A robin in a tree along the Red Cedar River. Father's Day walk with Big A. 

from eremition

I lie here

I don't count the days
anymore than I count trees

they're here 

and although real

also possess speechlessness

as if a call  

of golden light spilling 

from an eagerly opened door

its mouth 

holding in itself

a hole promising easy extinction 

_____________

Pic: Two green parakeets in a tree last week in Athens. We had to walk through this park to get anywhere, and we called it "AntiFascist Park" because of all the graffiti. #Greece

"Ammu, feeling vomitty"

Strong nausea all day yesterday, even through our anniversary dinner and I got through it all without spoiling it for Big A. But I was so bewildered by the timing of it, because no one else at home had it, and I was otherwise fine etc. 

Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)

And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.

Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her. 

"come back soon"

Anyone we said goodbye to--hosts, cab drivers, colleagues, random people we met--told us to "come back soon." Or they told us more forcefully that we HAVE to come back soon. That's more like it, actually. 

I'm already kinda dreaming of a trip with At (who just started a new job and couldn't make it this time) for the next time. 

We're getting ready for our 24-hour journey back home. We're all still just cabin luggage for our ten-day trip so there's not a lot to pack, but Nu and Big A are going to have to carry some presents home for me as their "personal items." Can't wait to pick up Max and Huckie from "Boarding School."

Pic: Every Greek street seemed lined with orange and lemon trees and all of them were laden with fruit. #Greece

"with a friend"

We took a boat trip across the Saronic Gulf to Aegina and Agistri today. I'll be looking at pictures and videos of the sea and skies for a long time... the blues are fairly incredible. Even in the moment, they seemed unreal. 

Hunting for the perfect pistachio ice cream as one does on Aegina, Nu and I stopped at a beautiful Byzantine church. (I light candles for Scout and my mama everywhere I go.) 

The elderly woman who had been cleaning some pictures stopped and marched up to me, and I got a bit nervous wondering if I'd forgotten to take off my hat or was sitting in the wrong chair... but it turned out that she just wanted to confirm that I was Indian and give me compliments and appear thoroughly devastated that we were there only for the day. (My conversations with Greek people are in the 100th percentile for sweetness, I swear.) 

She kept referring Nu as "my friend" although we both explained how we were related a couple of times, so I kept reminding Nu to be a good friend for the rest of the day. 

Pic: Big A's candid of my "friend" Nu and me on the boat. #Greece

"greasy dudes in Greece"

Trip to Delphi today. I don't think even the Oracle could have explained why the tour company gave us more than three hours at various convenience stops and and then just an hour at the ruins... and LESS THAN AN HOUR at the museum. I could spend an hour just on The Charioteer alone. 

On our way home, Nu and Big A decided to stay outside while I picked up some stuff at the grocery. But suddenly Big A was at my elbow asking me if I needed help to carry stuff out. I did not, but A did not like the guy who'd let me cut the line and was talking to me. Nu and A think I talk to too many "greasy dudes in Greece." I just talk to everyone is all.

Pic: My judgy crew. #Greece

"of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!"

When the taxi driver tried to confirm the address I'd copy-pasted into the app, I apologized about not being able to actually read what I'd pasted. 

He waved away my apology, forgiving everything with a breezy, "of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!" I've been smiling about his niceness and possible language shade.

After our presentation today, EM noticed that people say "Congratulations!" instead of "nice presentation" or whatever. It certainly feels way more celebratory. Lots of interest in the QR code for our CFP (It's been viewed over a 1000 times at this point!) Three people helped us get our slide deck on the screen, and each one had a keyboard that was in a different language (Greek, Portuguese, French). It felt like very transnational solidarity.

Pic: Cafe near the university. I experienced a pang of envy about not being able to recreate the beauty of the vining wisteria and bougainvillea at home. #Greece

"I am lucky to wake up and meet you today"

I don't want to jinx it, but I just have the nicest encounters in Greece. 

The first time I was here (by myself in 2019), my taxi driver in Athens was so excited to find out that I was traveling to Olympia the next day. He said that he was from Olympia and that I should go to the cafe right by the museum and let them know that Giorgos had sent me to say hello and that they would take care of me. In some places this would have been a prank, but he was so earnest and insistent, that I did indeed (diffidently) stop by the cafe the next day.

When I told the barkeep that Giorgos had sent me, he stopped what he was doing, and announced it to the whole cafe, and then everyone proceeded to cheer and drink to my health. The more I think about this, the more likely it seems that they may not have known who Giorgos was (and it's just George in Greek, so such a popular name too), but did not want me to feel stupid.

Today when I wandered off to find a cash machine (as the monasteries in Meteora don't accept cards), the woman whose shop the ATM was at, made such a fuss of me. "I am lucky to wake up and meet you today," she said after she gave me a small bag of cherries to share with Big A and Nu. 

Hospitality and unlooked for kindness every where I see here. 

I think often also of that 2018 Joanna Kakissis story on NPR where she talked about how her Greek family in Lesbos was trying to help Syrian and other refugees coming in across the Mediterranean as "the rest of the E.U. won't take them." 

Ancient Greek history has so much war, but all that's left now is the legendary Greek hospitality.

Pic: I'm up on a ledge, with an Omen-like sunbeam slicing me. But then, I have monasteries perched to my right and left. #Greece

"sway with me"

Walking down the street after conference registration, I almost lost it when a street musician struck up the chords to "Sway." It was one of my mom's favorite songs.

E.M. and I met up later to see an open-air theater play. It was an assembly of snippets (Medea, Antigone, a bit of Aristophanes, + Homeric lore). It was powerful. Especially the Medea. The Parthenon and sunset peeking over the skyline made it all extra amazing.

It felt a bit like going back in time, what with our glasses of wine (I spilled mine halfway through the show when there was a jump scare) and the actors in masks.

Pic: We were encouraged to take pictures, so I did. #Greece

"and after that she had a son by her husband... yeah, right"

I'd dreamed of bringing Big A to Epidaurus for a very long time. I remember so well the first time I encountered Epidaurus in Mary Stewart's Moonspinners, when I was in middle school. The idea that if the god of medicine, Asclepius, visited you in your sleep, you'd be healed was something I remind myself of every time my sleep schedule gets a bit more fucked.

But I wanted to bring Big A here because it seemed to be a place a doctor might geek out about. (He didn't, but he was very indulgent about my excitement. And I ditched him to go geek out by myself a bit later). It also has the best preserved amphitheater, with tremendous acoustics (you can hear a coin drop on the stage all the way up on the lip) and we enjoyed the climb after the very long drive.

One of the plaques described how Andromache of Epirus came to the sanctuary for offspring. She dreamed that a handsome youth lifted up her dress and that the god touched her belly. And that "and after that she had a son by her husband Arrybas." Yeah, right--we joked. And then later in the evening, I started to worry that it all sounded a bit rape-y. 

Pic: I can't even believe the blue of that sky. #Greece

Ah, Athens

Lots of adventures on our travels, yesterday: a canceled flight, being rerouted to Heathrow, 24+ hours of airports...

But we're here!

We checked in to our apartment, stocked up on food, unpacked, and got a good night's sleep.

This morning, we walked to the Acropolis to see the Parthenon. I will never, ever get over how small and excited I feel to be here.

Pic: Also, I didn't realize how tall Nu has gotten. #Greece

I dream of the Aegean

Somehow, it's suddenly June 5th, and I'm on the cusp of the conference in Athens with E.M.

And somehow, Big A and Nu are going with me too. None of them have been to Greece before, and E.M. and Nu love Greek mythology, and Big A loves me, and I can't wait to show off one of my favorite places in the world to all these loves. 

We leave tomorrow. Ten days in a hotel room might be too much, so for the first time, I've rented a VRBO for us. I hope it's a good experience. I spied Ursula K. Guin on the bookshelves in the online pictures, so I'm taking that as an excellent sign.

Pic: The Aegean Sea from Cape Sounion when I was there with my Chelli two years ago.  #Greece