Sunny

I feel like I did bring some Florida sunshine back with me... it was bright and beautiful all day, and I didn't even have to delve into this delightful loose-leaf tea I found in St. Pete.

I got to wake up TWO human babies for breakfast (At had spent a few nights here to take care of his sibs) and the rest of the day was full of small surprises and mercies. 

For instance, the accounting on my work credit card--always a chore (with multiple logins and approvals) went SO smoothly. I got in a couple of walks with AK and S when I made my sabbatical-style weekly office visit for student meetings, advising, and committee meetings. 

And we got Subway for dinner as a pre-Birthday treat.

And also--we may be getting a bit ahead of ourselves-- but since we're "between variants" as the more pessimistic/realistic members of the family would have it, we started planning a family vacation. And then Big A started insisting that we book right away, like TODAY. And I told him that it reminded me of attending some free day cruise where someone did a timeshare presentation and kept insisting that I buy one TODAY since the offer would not be available tomorrow. 

That part didn't go over too well.😁😂

erm...

I started a fundraiser for my birthday for the first time ever, and it's just not getting the traction of my other Facebook posts. I couldn't use the Facebook fundraiser template since this non-profit does not have a 501c3 classification, so this isn't being promoted by Facebook, and I wonder if the GoFundMe link is making it algorithmically inaccessible. In any case, it's not working very well.

I'm bad at asking--and especially bad at asking for money--so just sitting with this for a bit.

 

"Floridays"

The obligatory blue skies + blue waters pic from our quick trip to St. Pete, Florida. Big A gets CME classes; I get to eat breakfast in bed, visit museums, eat ice-cream, and (this is the most important part) walk around in summer clothes.

We're back tomorrow, but it has been a nice break from winter and the ordinary. It occurs to me that while the length of our trips without the kids (usually 2-4 days) hasn't changed, our childcare givers have moved from  grandparents > paid sitters > friends > (and currently) our young adult child.

Rooftop fireplace, drinks, appetizers, and then back to watch the SOTU--a buzzkill with how things are in the country/world. While I don't agree with Pres. Biden on things (don't extra fund the police, cancel student debt!) his kindness is solid. I noticed today when he was talking about the seventh grader with diabetes, he said the child needed insulin to stay healthy--not that he needs it to stay alive (the child was right there and it was gentler). And he gave another shoutout to the LGBTQ community and trans kids, which made me cry. Kindness after cruelty will do that to me.

blast from the past

My birthday is coming up this week and we have a nice family dinner planned. 

But I've been yearning for one of those all-out bashes that used to happen--usually planned and hosted by someone else. That hasn't happened in years. Some of is the pandemic, sure--but some of it is just that we're in a different stage of our lives. 

Facebook kindly reminded me with this post from twelve years ago when my friends L and J postponed a vacation they were planning to take because it fell in my birthday week. The mayhem of comments that ensued with everyone jumping in with recommendations, some weird references to Tom Hanks's birthday, my London friends threatening to gatecrash, and Sunny Singh (the author Sunny Singh) giving me sage advice on partying all month long made me chuckle. 

I've been talking to L more since this reminder popped up and reconnecting with others too. And much as I resent Facebook for its manipulative ways, I'd completely forgotten about this interlude until it reminded me. What a sweet memory from a more innocent past. 

"send us some poems and essays"

I've never wanted a war, but this is more of an anti-colonial struggle anyway--it would seem the people of Ukraine are fighting for their right to exist. 

The courage of the attitude that Ilya Kaminsky shares in his tweet... the courage, the hope, the beauty, and--what Hindi speakers would call--the sheer dil [heart] of it is simply breathtaking.
 

recovery

We (Nu and I) had plans with CF today. We were supposed to see the Kahlo exhibit and then come home to hang out and pet puppies and eat pizza and watch the movie remake of Nella Larsen's Passing together. 

I'm not gonna lie--after the accident yesterday, I wanted to just cancel it all and stay home and worry about the war in Ukraine, racism against refugees, the poor deer, and my Bluey. But this morning I woke and decided I did NOT want to think about anything on that beyond-my-control list. So Nu and I bundled up and walked to the museum, met up with CF, and spent a satisfying couple of hours together transformed by--and transcendent with--art. 

The picture is of Detroit-based artist Beverly Fishman's piece "Recovery". I love how the angles of the work play on some of the unusual angles of this Zaha Hadid building (a little bit of which is visible in my pic). And I loved, loved this part of the artist's statement: "The notion of recovery is central to the experience of the exhibition. In the face of a global pandemic, along with the ever-pressing need for wider social, racial, and environmental reckonings in the United States and abroad, it is all the more important for people to seek out moments of solace." 

So that happened. Then CF went and got their car while Nu and I ordered the pizza. Then we got home and hung out and petted puppies and Nu took a nap and CF helped me find the VIN number on Bluey and take more pictures for the insurance company. I didn't have the energy for a whole ass movie, but we watched three episodes of Abbott Elementary (so about the average run time it would take to watch a whole ass movie, ha) but its wry teaching humor fit better than a more serious reckoning with the world. 

I'm still in recovery mode.

everything can change in a moment

Posts like this one about life in Ukraine put everything in perspective. I can't imagine... or maybe I can easily imagine having to leave a home you know to huddle in a subway station to escape the bombs raining down.

So in comparison, I guess we got off really lightly--Nu and I are fine, and I hope the deer who jumped out at us as we were on our way back from book club at RS's is fine too. There's no blood, and I hope that's a good sign. (Please don't tell me any different. I've never so much as run over a frog before, so this thing is nightmarish. My mind keeps replaying the second the deer landed in front of us and has me wishing I had been able to swerve harder.) As Nu said, if we'd left a few seconds earlier or later, things would be different. Both of us romanticize/anthropomorphize deer and get silly about them, so we've both been pretty down since it happened.

My poor Bluey, too, is so not fine. To make matters worse, Big A is away for work until Monday and only on the phone, so I'm just feeling extra alone in my guilt and misery.

it's the end of the day and I feel fine

Hung out with bestie KB, whom I just adore, today... We usually walk, but today we went to a museum and had lunch and went shopping and book browsed and caught a movie and... just hung out all day... like we were playing hooky from school.

And we were talking about how when we were young things just seemed to be getting better--you know? The Berlin Wall fell, Nelson Mandela was released from prison, hate was considered to be evil... and today there's war everywhere and bombs dropping on Ukraine. 

But being around KB is a balm. And now I have this song stuck in my head.

Pic: Here I am at the Joseph Tisiga Scarecrow Exhibit.

map of crap

Texas Gov. Greg Abbot is telling teachers, doctors, caregivers, and child protective services that they are officially mandated to report the parents/families of trans students who are receiving gender-affirming help as child abusers. No, really. 

I'm sitting here with heartbreak and a bit of survivor guilt (we considered jobs in Texas earlier this winter), knowing I must do everything I can to fight this because as every study has repeatedly shown, compassion and gender-affirming care is suicide prevention for kids at a vulnerable time in their lives. 

And I will fight this with every activist intersection I have as educator, child advocate, parent, and parent of a non-binary/trans teen.

It's unbelievable how hostile and inhospitable so much of the USA is to trans kids. You'd think that in the THIRD year of a global PANDEMIC, people would focus on medical initiatives that are life-affirming and life-saving instead of needless cruelty.

Twos-day!

For some reason, I've been so excited for today. I like palindromes and liked learning "ambigram" and was plain delighted that today existed.

I guess all the coincidences of the day had something to do with today's mid-soak epiphany that the Tamil endearments "thane-y" and "maane-y" translate handily to "honey" and... "deer" (not "dear"). 

____________________________________________________________________

A Sonnet on Coming Halfway Across the World

For we are everywhere a palimpsest of us

and the karma and the kismet of meeting 

is multiplied by the distance of continents

fussy with farness, a dance of catastrophe. 

What if we should fail at loving each other;

what if language cleaves us with difference?

 It was in childhood I first heard of love--

on the radio, songs speaking endearments

in Tamizh, singing O thaneY, O maaneY...

these cupped invitations that connect us:

thaneY is... honey; maaneY is... deer, but

still homonym enough to arc from error

to hope--like words I carry as souvenirs--

we two/too are alike, steadfast, and dear. 

sleepover

Paul Farmer, a personal and global hero, passed away today. It seems a bit precipitate at just 62... Many of my early conversations with people who are now lifelong friends and colleagues started with discussions of his work and vision. I wish we would honor his life by doing away with the IPRs preventing us from vaccinating the whole world against Covid immediately. 

In happier home news: Nu had invited a friend over for a sleepover this evening. Yet this isn't about them.  Nu and their friend claimed the rumpus room and puppies, so Big A and I decamped to the guest room--which has a huge TV unlike our bedroom--with our pizza and pop to hang out.

And then we kept calling it our "own sleepover."

Although, you know, we're married and all. We took turns checking on the comfort and safety of the original sleepover kids, watched two whole movies, did some puzzles, and then finally went to sleep (in our regular bedroom) around 2 am. We really miss each other when he's off at work. 

meandering things

Nu claimed they didn't want to go to UU today although there was going to be a welcome back bonfire for all the Rel. Ed. kids after the omicron hiatus. But I managed to coax them to come with me...

When I took a break from ushering to go check on them, they were in the middle of a snowball fight. [I love how all the too-cool teens look like little kids in this picture.] It's a bit of a dilemma between encouraging autonomy and overcoming inertia every time the 14-year-old doesn't want to do something that I think they will enjoy or would be good for their general well being.

I was hanging out with Big A (and hence) watching the NBA all-star game and was surprised how much the glimpses of Vanessa Bryant and Magic Johnson moved me and reminded me how life can change in an instant. [All these deep thoughts probably because I wasn't really following the game.] Then I made Big A laugh when I wondered aloud if Colin Kapernick could play basketball.  I mean he deserves a more progressive league than the NFL. And... I just looked it up on the internet and it turns out that he's pretty good at basketball, actually.

still winter

These frosty guys! 

Some mix of of bunny rabbit/Yoda/puppy/lion cub. The way they race to be the first to jump on me when I show up makes me feel like the most loved mama in the whole world.

More snow today. Nu had school canceled for a snow day yesterday, which made their four-day Presidents' Day weekend a five-day one! 

If it weren't for the pandemic, it would have been a good time to take off on a small adventure by ourselves. As it is, Nu has some extra hangout time with friends.

I'm ready for Spring, but I'm glad my babies are enjoying the winter that's still here. Huh, it looks like they're predicting a "reverse spring" for us this year.

on to the weekend

I'll be sorry to finish this kaleidoscope of a book tonight/tomorrow. 

Three different fin de siècles, three sets of American characters who may or may not be connected, so many threads to pull and reincarnations and alternative narratives to ponder. [Something I noticed and may want to build on for a paper/lesson is the way race--with all of its messy margins--is noted. I particularly appreciated how it carefully mentioned when a character was white instead of assuming that everyone was white unless characterized otherwise.]

So yes--very preoccupied with reading at the moment. But also got a ton of student work, a women's month meeting, and misc. followup done. Not much sabbatical work to report, but: Nu got into the AP World History class they wanted; I fell asleep on the massage table and woke up feeling heavenly; it's the puppies' Boss Day so there're strips of turkey bacon in the microwave; At stopped by to pick up some mail and we got in some hugs; and Big A is ordering in Sushi for our dinner. 

in which we all learn

The chickens Nu and L got have begun to lay eggs, or so I hear. 

Nu: [Scrubbing chicken eggs in the kitchen sink.]
Me: Those look muddy, did your chickens lay them in the dirt?
Nu: [Looks blankly at me] It's poopy, Mom!
Me: Wait! The eggs come out of their poop hole?!
Big A: [To me] Yes, Puppy! Chickens just have the one cloaca.
Nu: Oh! That's how you say it? I thought it was "cluck-a."
Me: I didn't know any of this.
Big A: I'm still learning new things about you.
Fin.

(before my parents' arranged marriage)

When my mom was trying hard to be my best friend

(so I too would share, so I wouldn't decide to die)
she once told me how in the late sixties
she'd take the 21 bus from her college
to go "flirt" at the university library

Heading home meant rules and four younger siblings 

(and college was only to make her marriage worthy)
so she'd stay back to read trashy novels 
knowing dudes were watching her 
from neighboring desks

I feel a flicker for mom in her carefully pressed saris

(pressed under her mattress if she missed the dhobi)  
knowing she'd never be allowed to work
using the few years she had

for freedom, for fun

she told me she never looked directly at any of them
(I mean, that would be to risk a bad reputation) 

but there was one bespectacled dude
who seemed a very serious type

she didn't know his name

graduation results went up, and he asked how she did 
(she was too taken by surprise to counterfeit, so)

she told him she got a third class--i.e. a "C"
he turned on his heel--and she laughs-- 
she never saw him again

zooming to nostalgia

When the invitation to attend a state of the art talk with so many of my old professors showed up, I RSVPed right away. It was some of the usual suspects from the Thursday Poco Seminar and it  took me back to being a student in Oxford in the first decade of this century--late as usual, racing past the tourists and townies and fellow students to get to Wadham College by 5:15. Usually I didn't bring my bicycle because there'd be wine and/or we'd go to dinner with the speaker and it would be easier to split a taxicab with someone.

It was at 5:00 GMT today, so although I tuned in at noon, it felt like one of those evenings. Lots has happened since then: jobs, publications, promotions; and on the other side: relationships, marriage, kids. It's wild that my profs are still the leaders in the field; it's crazy that I still show up on their acknowledgements pages from time to time. 

There is one person on this panel who is newer, very likely much younger. They mentioned in their introductory remarks that they felt "intimidated." I assumed they meant because of the august company--but no, they meant because they had to cover a lot of ground in very little time. And that, my friends, is one of the many reasons why although both of us applied for the same job at UCLA Berkeley in 2012, only one of us got it (and it wasn't me).

here and now

This is from yesterday's hike with L. I'm glad something nice came of it since a few minutes after I took this pic, I slipped on some black ice and ended up flat on my back. I didn't at all feel winded or embarrassed (it was L, after all) and I was thankful that I'd been wearing the very thick hat my in-laws gave me. 

My neck hurts today--not sure if its because I lifted heavier weights than usual, slept wrong, or because I did something to it when I fell.  Anyway, my personal physician will be home tomorrow and I can get checked out then. 

In the meantime, I've been binge reading To Paradise, and getting intensely Edith Wharton vibes from the first part set in a sort of alternative Gilded Age. I also watched The Last Duel, with its immersive medieval ethos. Two historical periods in one weekend is a bit much even for me.

"sisters before misters"

There were no plans to party this weekend, but CF and I were texting yesterday and suddenly there was a plan for a Galentines Party. 

It's Superbowl weekend and I didn't want to go to the store. But I already had the (dollar store) decorations, the puff pastry and candy and nuts and the cake mix I needed. The rest people brought: pink prosecco, brownies, cookies, flowers, and more flowers. Then we downloaded a couple of games and were ready to go. 

It was really small (thanks, Covid) and I love that even so we were such a mix in terms of of gender-sexuality-relationship folks. I love my friends and it turns out that I needed the laughs and the dancing.

where it hurts

This part of my hip, which is hurt, is also the exact spot Scout likes to rest his fuzzy chin on--it's just the perfect gentle pressure.

I earned this afternoon+evening reading To Paradise, drinking cinnamon tea, eating chocolate, the puppies in my lap/on my legs. Big A is at work, I dropped Nu off to visit a friend, and I worked like a fiend yesterday.

I'm coming to the end of the day with deep satisfaction, apparently some days it takes very little to get there.
 

don't look now, I'm changing

I know I'm in the minority here, but I LOVE Facebook. Not the corporation--just the community. 

With family, friends, colleagues, and loves on every continent it's the best way I have to keep in touch with what's going on in people's lives. There are a few chat and text groups that are active all day long (family, cousins, kids), but Facebook is great at filling the gaps in between actual conversations with lots of other people. I can think of so many great ongoing friendships over the last two decades that started as online interactions.

Anyway... I do wish ole FB would let me change my profile pic without making a big production of it. No matter how stealthily I update my picture (the previous one was masked and I was tired of it and the pandemic), the change goes out to other people's timelines. I *cringe* to think that people think I *want* them to notice my new picture or that I *want* them to make soothing comments about aging and all that. I don't mind when the love is for my awesome graduate or my awesome babies, though.

"A Pedagogy of Kindness"

An older article, "The Pedagogy of Kindness" has been making the rounds on social media again and is a good reminder of how much unlearning those of us teach have to undergo. Elite institutions (in my case, Oxford) especially reinforce ideas of privilege, proving oneself, thinking of your cohort as competitors, etc. etc. It took reading bell hooks and June Jordan to discover more inclusive and compassionate forms of learning and teaching are possible. 

June Jordan's electrifying statement in "Outside Language:" “None of us has known enough tenderness” has been my mantra in the classroom for decades now. 

Anyway, I was in my office for meetings today and a kind student gave me this beautiful calendar to say thank-you. Other students may say thank you by undertaking research, accepting additional responsibilities, pioneering new activities and events, or confiding personal struggles--all of which happened today too. I'm so lucky to be doing this work.

a smiley one

Today went better than I imagined. 

Big A was back--we hung out and hung out and hung out and then hammered out some details on our book project; At dropped by unexpectedly to pick up some mail and give Nu a teddy bear from the Sinn Fein store; the three painkillers the vet gave Scout have put him in a happier--and loopier--mood; I got Nu's prescription filled easily and the somewhat transphobic pharmacist didn't give me the runaround this time.

Best of all, I wasn't expecting to have the whole fam together at the dinner table tonight, but it happened! (Although Scout decided to sit at my feet instead of with everyone else.)  So I took a pic for my mom (and me!). 

to feeling better

I wrote: "Time is terrifying" 

later remembering: *kaal--time 

--is one of many names for death

and also just as ordinary as life is

Pointless: the closings, returnings,

emptying into tunnels to spotlight

our origins and pain... this sad sad

diorama of what we never asked for

I am asking for Scout to feel better--

I mean, look--suffering is overrated

really--like anything could make this 

best-est of all friends a better being

________

Pic: I got Scout a new bed so he'd be comfortable when I wasn't around to give him an "uppy" to the couch, but Huck (who can jump up onto every piece of furniture in the house) claimed it first. 

*In Hindi and Sanskrit kaal means time/epoch but can also be another name for the God of Death. I may have been thinking of that subconsciously in the last line of yesterday's entry.

the lovey

One of my favorite pictures of Scout as a puppy: hugging his lovey and watching for the water vole to swim past in the old house. He would get so excited when he saw water voles or bunnies that he'd sit down like he couldn't bear the weight of his surprise. Scout was always the sweetest of my babies.

Anyway long neuro appt today for Scout (from 11 am to nearly 4 pm) and they found some things but are going to pass us on to the ortho dept. They weren't letting anyone but patients in, but I was so anxious that I couldn't understand them on the phone--it was like I lost my capacity for language. So they brought me into a tiny exam room and went over everything with me again. 

I remember pointing out his weakness and everyone trying to convince me that I was imagining it. No one thinks I'm imagining it anymore, it's that obvious.

Time is terrifying sometimes.

red boots

Do Big A and I have matching boots? No--but both our boots do look very red in this picture. 🥰 We walked downtown by ourselves for some fresh air and alone time, got breakfast burritos and coffee, and walked them back to the grandparents' place for brunch. Then we got some final hugs in, put the human kid and the puppy kids in the backseat, and piled back into the car for the trip home. We got back before sunset, unpacked, scrounged up some dinner, and spent a nice and unhurried evening together.

But... I have the biggest case of the 'Sunday Scaries'--anxiety's just shooting up, up, up...  I do have a list of consultations and meetings to accomplish tomorrow, but it's all very do-able. I've prepped and done everything I can, and have been reading compulsively to pass the weekend.

day tripping

An early morning traipse and it's off to Yellow Springs with the fam for a quick trip.

I'm going to have a nice visit with the in-laws without worrying about the list of conference-related stuff I have I've noted on my to-do list (register for my SALA presentation; book a hotel for the student honorary; plan out sessions for Michigan Academy; and solicit papers for NWSA). It's the weekend, and Monday will be here soon enough.

I always thought Nu listened to ABBA because of me/Mamma Mia!, but it turns out that my gay kid loves ABBA, and that playing ABBA Gold will get us halfway to Ohio. 

Boss Day*

It has been a long and busy week, but it's my "Boss Day" (*translation below) today and I knew things were looking up when I saw this "baby rainbow" in the grey sky at the end of my cold ass walk with L this morning. 

I had a massage with R, my lovely gender-fluid masseuse; some Christmas gift cards to spend; and got some tasty treats (milk chocolate pistachios). 

At showed up for dinner, and I got to play Hot Ones at dinner with the fam. The best part was doing a 15-minute Tai Chi session before At left (with Nu, Big A, and the puppies sort of joining us from assorted places around the rumpus room).

Also: I got Wordle in two. 

__________________________________

*Boss Day must be the best thing I ever made up: we celebrate everyone's "birthday" every month. My birthday is on March 4th, so it's my Boss Day on the 4th of every month--At is on the 2nd, Nu the 11th, Scout and Huck the 18th, Big A the 23rd, and so on. I get the "Boss Baby" a small present (usually a book and some treats) and they get to pick dinner (home/restaurant) and a family activity (show/game). It makes for a nice mini celebration every week. We celebrate the puppies on the same day, because it was too confusing for them if only one of them got special treats. I thought I'd link to a few Boss Day posts, but there were too many when I searched "Boss Day."

warmer

Earlier this week, EM drove through the imminent snow storm to bring us a portable Lunar New Year celebration: a dumpling feast, cake, sweet treats, and the traditional red envelope with a money gift for Nu. It was only when I was putting away the bags yesterday, that I found the felt good luck decoration at the bottom... I hung it up with the other ones, and took this picture to send with a thank you message.

(It triggered the memory that the last time we'd eaten out with EM was the Lunar New Year dimsum we had together at the start of the pandemic in 2020. Someday, we'll do that again.)

I wanted something warm to note for today... red is warm; love is warm.

practicing panic

for my head is full of sound

loose in its orbit

like a character in a cartoon

I refuse to choose

perhaps the moon will rise 

out of my chest

into skies of hope-rage-love

bigger than loss

yet for now I'm just watching 

alert from afar

feeling like a new  w o u n d

waiting to scar

________________________________

Pic: So the storm came and the snow stayed. I took this picture from bed this morning, cozy in the knowledge that Nu's school had already declared today a snow day.

the body we lived in

loss hovers here--already a ghost/

formless the way these ghosts are

one hand on my chest, squeezing/

another hand signing what shape

it may take, /how it may unmake 

--with a ghost laugh so loud, /I cry 

"remember!" I want to say; /I ask--

"remember?" there's a way home

crawling amphibian up my spine 

but I'm still waiting/ to be found

my arms outstretched--embracing

/unarmed and ready for the rack

--------------------------------------------------------------

Pic: A hawk (?) by the Red Cedar, spied on my walk with Big A today. 

There was the body of a dead squirrel in the hawk's talons. (Big A kept asking me not to look at the bird and not to go closer. We both agree I tend to be much braver/foolhardier than he is.)

I'm also thinking about bodies and how they can be--or seen as--just one thing or another (/) because of what our poor little Nu said at the pediatrician this morning, and because that child, Brendan Santo, was found recently.

full

 

I feel Huckie's tail blur and Scout's blissed-out face... BS and CL came to dinner, Big A was back...

Table, tummies, and hearts full.

Grateful to be ending January on this note.

keeping it real

Nu has been watching a show called Arcane (based off of the League of Legends video game) this weekend, and although I've been assiduously working on the chapter due to the editors tomorrow, I must have imbibed a sufficient amount of it. 

I came out of an absolutely horrifying dream this morning in which I was on an escaping spaceship with a ton of children I'd never seen before... and my mom. The children were being taken to a safer place and I was there as some kind of consultant? (Not sure). In any case, I was supposed to be there, but my mom had just stowed away, and I was trying to shield her from the guards. I remember asking her to sit on a bench alongside the children, but she stuck out so she had to sit on the floor and try to be unnoticeable. I was going to pretend to the guards that she was there to take care of the kids, and worrying about saying that out loud, because my mom is quite elitist and would hate that role. And then my irritation with her elitism became this horrible disloyal question: why did I pick my mom and not my kids/dad/spouse? Poor mom!!

In real mom news, she seems to be recovering from her Covid... albeit slowly.

Pic is from this morning's tromp in the woods with L and Nu. I kept wishing the sun would show, but that didn't happen. We did get to see our favorite tree, though. Lots of weekend chores, reading, writing, homework, leftovers for dinner, and tai-chi (from a Mirror teacher) to round out the weekend. 

up close and personal

Here we are up close and personal with Huckleberry! (Like a typical younger sib, I guess she didn't like that Scout got a post to himself yesterday.) Huckie can leap five feet in the air any time she hears the treat jar, and likes to make sure there's never more than 5 cm between her and the nearest human. 

Big A is away at work. I miss him and really dislike our new normal. I'm sure I'm going to be writing poems like a teenager soon. Ha.

CF came over for dinner and to keep us company. I pulled out a vegetarian shepherd's pie I'd frozen last month, because CF is a cozy, comfortable friend like that. I made a bean soup too, because it felt like a soup night. And then I saved the brown bananas by making almond flour muffins with blueberries and raspberries. Problem is, I don't like bananas--and now I'm hoping other people will eat them. Puppies really seem to like it! So dinner was fun, and then we watched a show and checked in and gossiped on the side while Nu was occupied.

I was supposed to be at work for an admissions event early this morning, but Bluey the car hadn't charged (and Big A was away, so no backup car), and I had to start the day with a sheepish phone call to the coordinator. Apart from that, today was alright.

Scout update

Doesn't Scout look like Einstein in that one wacky picture? I gave him an "uppy" to the couch and he snuggled up and made working on my chapter so much easier. 

Moments like this can make me forget how his hind legs aren't working and even wagging his tail is increasingly difficult for him. I'm proud of how this baby has found ways to move--scooting, sliding, stretching--to overcome his mobility issues. And I miss all the things he used to do--join me when I lit the pooja lamps, greet everyone at the door, etc., etc., etc... this list is really long. But I'm grateful for all he can still do--he has the kindest eyes and best snuggles always.

I'm also grateful that the neuro appointment we made last year, which seemed ages away--is now around the corner of next week.

assisted living

grass and sky haven't have heard yet 

and I let the unknown speak for me

tricky forests spring up like questions

I will keep seeking a story I read as a kid

with its sad embrace of a torn telegram 

whose yellow moths follow me forever 

even the temporary kingdom of my trust

where lie grave jokes of literature and life 

about what could have been... has been

O I say--we are such strange creatures

I hear about chimp haven; feel a relief 

for beloved elders finding assisted living

Friends, the only breath in cages is death 

maybe we use shards and shadows to knit 

soft shelters to lay over this thing called life?

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Related/Random BOC

* I read a story when I was 9/10--I think of it as my first grownup story--about a man who tears up a telegram bearing bad news about his wife and baby in order to pretend to his fellow train passengers that all is well. The story sat between Hawthorne ("Young Goodman Brown") and Thurber ("The Catbird Seat") in an anthology of great American short stories (likely someone's discarded textbook), but I don't know the title or author despite a great number of patchy google searches.

* I couldn't get through to mom or sis on the phone today and was panicked enough to ask my cousin to check on them... turns out his wife, daughter, and mom are also down with the virus.

* The pulmonologist thinks my mom will be ok and back to normal in a couple of weeks.

* The story about the NIH chimps going to Chimp Haven was from my commute to work this morning.

* And there was a planning meeting for the conference in Minneapolis--so I was hearing Prince too, I guess.

anniversary!

The anniversary of our first date! Who knew on that epic first date like... decades ago when we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and hung out all day eating in three-four different places that we'd still be celebrating all these years later. We usually do a long walk, but we're both on deadline and the day threw us some surprises, so we went for a "Downton" before dinner in the backyard instead. (Nu grabbed a couple of pictures of us!) 

I think I used to write about those early days long, long ago. In other news, I miss NYC.  

In very serious news, which I've shoved to the back of my consciousness in order to function, my sister texted to say my mom has just tested positive for Covid (but not my dad... yet). Dreading the next few days.

breakthroughs

A breakthrough in family therapy for Nu and Big A--a moment just beautiful in its vulnerability. I am so proud of these two stubborn people who don't give up. 

And a welcome breakthrough on an essay I'm working on just as I was falling asleep last night. I was too tired to even scratch out a note for myself, but it lingered when I sat down to work the next morning. Like all the best solutions, it was there all along! 

In other news, I'd sent out a flawed proposal and instead of being rejected, one of the evaluators messaged me backchannel to revise and resubmit--which I did. It reminded me of this story on bias I heard on the radio detailing how well networked people benefit from excuses and clemencies unavailable to others. I never thought, I guess, that I would be on the receiving end of such benefaction. 

And of course, putting it all into perspective--the James Webb telescope has settled into its permanent orbit and I wonder what else we'll learn about ourselves. 

Solid

Finally at that stage where the Red Cedar is frozen solid and the crazy college kids have cleared patches to play hockey on it. A day that was prettier to be in--with the snow falling lightly--than it was to photograph.

But I went outside today. I started some good sabbatical habits--working steadily through the day until it was time to pick up Nu. Got a proposal sent off; whittled the chapter that was at 20K down to 11K. It needs to be at 8K--so I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow. 

in passing through

our midday is swollen

heavy with snow, sun,

the pitch of children

held borderless in joy

the zip-lining lunacy 

of answered smiles

anthems of exchange

pleating through time 

if someday we unstitch

don't hoard the vanished

remember, yes--remember

our own lavish heap of life

ECG Sonnet

did you drown in my eyes
and sink into my heart
quicken my blood
dissolve our lives

into one line

staticky 

vagal

benign

and beautiful

in the way of love 

of those too far gone

one fire quenched only 

with another--far fiercer

to bury ourselves, be born

Looking up

Today was nicer. 

I feel normal(ish). 

Nu's long, fraught semester is finally over.

We had cuddly, chatty visit from At.

A soul-affirming planning meeting with the Tender Hearts Garden collective.

Started a good book: Lily King's Five Tuesdays in Winter.

Started an interesting show: Decoupled on Netflix.* 

And... JG sent pictures from Hawaii where they'll be till April, and I've been encouraged to visit.**

________________________

*Decoupled is clever and the skirmishes between protagonist novelist Arya and real life novelist Chetan Bhagat are uproarious. But the show tries to do that thing where it pretends like the only people who matter in India are upper-middle-class, English speaking folks. In fact, it treats people doing their jobs (security agents, wait staff, domestic workers) as the butt of jokes and that got a bit tiring for me. Also, in this day and age, even real people don't have to live with a name like Arya Iyer--so we certainly don't have to name a fictional character with every upper caste marker there is. Some of it is anti-South bias too? I mean, North Indians seem to think everyone from the south is Madrasi/Iyer.

**I don't think I will go--lately, I've seen too many indigenous Hawaiian activists begging mainlanders not to visit because of Covid. But it's still nice to have pictures. 

"the family I wanted to have"

Another day in bed and too much time to think... and it got me thinking. 

How I haven't seen my parents in three years. How my mom is lowkey disappointed in me because one grandkid hasn't made it to grad school yet and another grandkid is transitioning. (She's stopped saying it out loud, and gets full points for being a supportive grandmom and using the right names and pronouns, but she'll still say perhaps I could "talk" to the kids and "help" them. This included a story of an uncle--a child psychiatrist (!!!)--who "talked" to his kid and she's not lesbian anymore? I tried to tell my mom that's not how sexuality works.)

Why the child who's applying to grad school won't take any advice from his parents when we have about three grad degrees each and could be good resources. We have lots of students and mentees whom we're honored to help, but our own child wants none of it. Why the child who's transitioning is still so unhappy and what else could we do. 

In family therapy the other day--I shared my worry that when Big A begins commuting to Milwaukee in July, it would disrupt the family and all the little traditions and habits we'd built up over the years because can we still do it if Nu and I are the only humans left at home? And the therapist said that I was probably comparing what's left "with the family I used to have... and the family I wanted to have." 💯

Why am I like this?

It was time for the 14-year-old's Covid booster, and I couldn't put mine off any longer, so Nu and I went and got our Covid boosters and Flu shots on Tuesday. Then I spent all day in a feverish haze--my reaction to shots is so over the top. 

I was able to tell time on the bedroom clock only via context. Is this 9:15/2:45? I'd been in bed all day, and it didn't really matter, but I had to crawl to my phone to figure out the right time.

when your child's dorm room makes it to the tabloids

One of the people At went to school with complained at length in the NYPost about campus being "too woke" and mentioned the Mao poster that used to hang in At's dorm room.

Uh-Oh. 

This made me chuckle.

Esp. because this student doesn't know that I (At's mama) got him a Chairman Mao hat when I was in San Fran for a conference and KB offered him more Mao memorabilia from her trip to China.

in agreement

we're the ones using footprints
as poetry... or prophecy

our words as rungs

vowing to climb all the years

counting births and burials

between then and now

fact: it's hard we don't know

if we'll hear hands answer

and clap us back 

nervous, our fingers crossed 

as we reread the fine print

of the universe 

*************

Pic: KB came down to Lansing and I was SO happy to share my favorite woods with a favorite person. 

Pongal-O-Pongal

We're a couple of days late, but today was the day I could gather the kids for a Pongal celebration. It was a brilliant day to honor the sun... our second snow Pongal. And at least we got to celebrate it this year...

I've always loved Pongal, amongst many other reasons, for giving me a second chance at beginning afresh. And I definitely need it this year. 

My mom calls the sun "pratyakshadeva"--the god who makes himself visible to us every day (not necessarily in Michigan, but you know...) and I love that. 

I have to say, Hinduism comes back to me in unpredictable ways...  Klara's literal sun worship in Ishiguro's Klara and the Sun didn't strike me as odd at all because I've been there. Ha.

Everybody likes to party

For a few hours it felt like the before times... 

While everyone was tested, masked, etc., this was still pretty risky. I'm glad I went because it was a very special moment for some very special people. 

I am, however, feeling a bit nervous about consequences. I had a headache later in the evening (probably because of WINE!!) and a tummyache too (cheesy food!) and I kept asking Big A if he thought I might have Covid. Let's see.

treasure (noun and verb)

Bookclub yesterday at JS's. Everyone took a rapid test before we headed over and it felt delightful to *see* everyone and catch up on news and nosh. 

We'd read The Lincoln Highway (which I didn't love) and as is my wont, I made a dish featured in the book--this time it was "Sally's Casserole," which was actually this although I, naturally, subbed Impossible meat for the beef. I had however, mentioned to L that I was thinking of making fettucine mio amore, another dish mentioned in the book, and L came up with the author's recipe! Then I spent way too much time going down the rabbit hole of other recipes based on mentions in books.

My most favorite part was the tour of JS's treasures from walks and hikes--pods and nests and dried flora (pic). I love how JS (a poet) finds treasure everywhere. Such a lovely evening and a memory to treasure in the months to come. 

in and out of the woods

We made a decision yesterday about Big A's university offers after our tromp through the woods. We mulled over the same series of circumstances and determinants and possibilities we have for weeks now and decided to go for the offer closest geographically and to his dream position. 

It means he'll spend 50% of his time in Milwaukee with the coming academic year.

Yesterday, L kept texting little things to show she was thinking of me, I had a good cry with my mom the day before that, and today--I told people at work so we could start brainstorming strategies to make single parenting possible in the Fall when I go back to teaching.

"catch my drift"

The Michigan Department of Transportation's list of snow plow names is adorable. Here's the full list... my favorites are "Mission Implowssible" and "Catch My Drift."

Looking at yesterday's first real day of time tracking really helped me see (a) I ought to prioritize work (b) separate emails from deep work (c) make time for work (d) I haven't yet a clue where this time will come from.

There are a lot of hours spent hanging out with the fam and hiking and soaking in the tub, but Non, je ne regrette rien.

Grid Life

Day 1 on on the Laura Vanderkam time tracker challenge (since yesterday was mostly travel and touring);  Day 6 on Wordle (100%, Baby); and Day 0 of finding ways of minimizing administrative duties. 

My lovely colleague-mentor L had suggested that I disengage and use the sabbatical to good use--and I pared down campus engagement. But just today I got asked to join a search committee and a journal review board--and I said yes. It can't be helpful to anyone if I keep taking on every opportunity that flits across my timeline. 

sunrise

Sunrise over Lake Michigan on the Northside of Milwaukee (Atwater Park, maybe?). This was just lovely although the rest of the day was a drag. 

If we could afford to live overlooking the lake, I might move. But we can't, and I won't.

sunset

A beautiful sunset over a stretch of industrial sludge outside of Chicago.

We're headed to Milwaukee to check out one of the places that offered Big A a research gig... and I already feel like nothing good can come of this trip.