Thursday, June 29, 2023

bring me a higher... ed

I did not expect to see an article about ex-BIL, who teaches at the U of Toronto, in The Chronicle of Higher Ed. The story suggests he lost a job offer because graduate students at UCLA did not like that he expressed skepticism about DEI statements. It actually seems quite clear from the students' letter that the problem was not about his skepticism about DEI statements, but rather the implication that the way forward is to get rid of DEI statements instead of holding admin responsible for fulfilling them.* I think students were absolutely right to insist that since he specializes in morality and social values, “considerations of identity cannot accurately be disentangled from the study of prejudice and moral behavior”, and that his indifference to DEI initiatives therefore constituted fair grounds for not hiring him."  There are people who would absolutely lose their shit if you so much as thought they were racist or sexist, but at the same time strongly believe that racism and sexism happened in the long-ago past or only happen in other countries. If you're someone who aims for progress, they can be an incredible source of distraction and frustration. It makes sense not to invite people who are likely to take you back to a previous status quo when you mean to move forward. Thinking about all of this is particularly devastating today--on a day when the Supreme Court has just struck down affirmative action.

And in more bad news: "Three people were stabbed in a gender studies class at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, on Wednesday afternoon, including the class professor, whose identity the attacker confirmed before stabbing him." Of course, if this were the US, it would have been guns and not knives. And of course it is eerily reminiscent the Montreal Polytechnique massacre. And of course family and friends and colleagues have been expressing concern to/for me as I teach gender studies too. 

*Because admin sometimes does use the crafting or existence of institutional diversity statements as a virtue-signal. But statements are progress when compared to previous erasure and silence, and they can be used to hold college communities accountable.  

Pic: Apropos of nothing in this post, our clematis has been glorious for weeks this year.

 

Wednesday, June 28, 2023

interchange

Today, I am marvelous with waiting 
it barges in, changes everything
it becomes the answer
I'm like a Keats caught in the moment
or like a Cavafy lost inside it
it's almost an afterlife
there is rest, room, reason to believe 
there will be a rendezvous
with the still sky
with the whiteness of paper and screen 
and I will be mostly alone 
ecstatic with choice

Pic: Nu, Huck, and Max. Nu described this moment as "being *swarmed* with puppies."

Tuesday, June 27, 2023

notes on meetings and missives

*At our meeting today, one of my CASA kids said something that was heart-wrenching. It's a shame a crime how children have such little agency in their own lives.

* My sister sent me a list of the contents of sixteen boxes she's had shipped to me instead of herself (shipping costs to India are higher). I get to unbox everything this weekend and go shopping for big suitcases afterwards. I've been 'carryon only' these past few years, and don't have check-in size luggage anymore.

*I was at JG's for some long overdue hugs, presents, and catching up after her three months in Europe and then SD called while I was there to catch up after my Jamaica trip.  I'd always wanted JG and SD (friends from different times and places in my life) to meet, so I was able to do that over FaceTime today. (i.e. Once I figured out SD was on FaceTime and I removed my phone from my ear so she could see more than a nice closeup of my hair. Ha.) 

*Our UU pastor wrote to say that some youth from a rightwing organization have been showing up at meetings and services and targeting and "berating" members of the congregation. I've been too swamped to go to UU lately, but I'm sad this is happening and will try to be there in support this Sunday. (In similar news, JG's synagogue was informed by the FBI that they were the targets of a "credible bomb threat." What the heck is happening in Michigan?!)

*A punchy card from KB in the mail--I felt like she'd affectionately punched my shoulder and told me that I "got this." I felt very loved and also entertained because she memorably ended with "Fuck the assholes (but not really)." It's kind of funny and mysterious and my internal slogan since.

 Pic: Max post vaccinations at the vet yesterday, stolen from a post on the clinic's FB page.

Monday, June 26, 2023

"in the middle"

NGS celebrated the beginning of summer like a proper grown up at the summer solstice. I realized I've been celebrating summer since Memorial Day--when the public pools open--as the unofficial start of summer. The Solstice gave me a bit of a pang actually: the days are getting a bit shorter, it marks midsummer, and is a reminder that we're halfway through summer vacation.

In any case, we're certainly right in the middle of things--summer projects, deadlines, delays... all of it! 

Started the day with a work meeting on Teams and ditched the last fifteen minutes to take Max to his first vet appointment. This champion baby has doubled in weight and didn't whimper or even wince when he got his shots or his microchip. He also barfed like a champion in the car both ways though, and I was glad to have Big A so I could just cuddle Max while A did the gross clean up. Also: I was crying all day since it's the first time I've been back at the vet since Scout. There was a candle in the reception area (to request silence--when it's lit it means someone is saying goodbye to a pet) and Big A sweetly tried to block what I could see with his body, and get me to just go to the car, but I still caught a glimpse as I exited.

I locked my sad and grumpy self up for some deep work and then my last meeting of the day was a fitting. Who knew when I stopped modeling 20+ years ago that I'd have a chance at picking it up in someplace not New York again? Ha. It's for a friend who's designing for a local charity event called 'Refashion' where old materials are repurposed, and I'm honored to be helping. Nicole had warned about menopausal gains, and I realized when JN did my measurements that my "middle" measurements were different. Ha ha ha and c'est sera, sera.

Pic: A cardinal in the garden. I saw a hummingbird the other day too. Aren't both supposed to be visitors from the the other world? 

Note: Jimmy Eats World's "In the Middle" is not a song I particularly enjoy and yet it follows me around on every radio station I enjoy. 

Sunday, June 25, 2023

clan

genes cling like ghosts
as they sketch the tides
of tomorrow and today

time flies, hours flower,
smiles wake then to sing
in the tune of our bodies

of how we are built bone
by bone, and so sensitive 
of seasons not yet come 

in the rustle of the years
see flashes of possibility
all the strange certainties 

of dust and of distance
in the middle of things
coiling through our kin

Pic: Nu, Big A, and Grandma S.
 

Saturday, June 24, 2023

six exclamations on Saturday

MIL tells Max to get "four on the floor." I think he gets "sit" most of the time, but he hasn't worked his way up to rhyming slang yet. HA

L is off to Cuba with suitcases full of school supplies as everything is in short supply over there... I snuck in some silk scarves for our friends Y and C because I wanted them to have presents too. Later, as I pulled stuff off the pantry and freezer shelves to make dinner, I thought a lot about how I take having 'stuff' for granted. UGH

Big A, a U-Haul truck, and the last day of the apartment in Milwaukee. YAY YAY YAY

As I chatted to family at various points today (mom, aunts, uncle, sister, MIL), and answered questions people were asking, I realized things just aren't going smoothly for us. I tend to focus on good things (coping mechanism?), but... YIKES

I planted more geraniums and marigolds in the garden today. Not because they're my summer favorites, but because deer leave those alone most of the time. I try to give the deer a pass because everyone has to eat, but it's summer and there's a yard full of green foliage they could have with no rancor from me. Leave the flowers alone, deer. DANG

Pic: Nu and their Grandma S went to ukulele camp together and got their picture taken with the giant ukulele. AW

Friday, June 23, 2023

going away

somewhere between here and everywhere 
and expanded by prayer
a day dissolves, alive with things we need
to rescue us again and again 

like: the overlapping wisp of a forgotten song;
seas hinged by storms;
butterflies who crawl shyly before their flight; 
it's never for nothing

Pic: On the Red Cedar, I found this strange fellow--a bearded blue heron, right?

 

Thursday, June 22, 2023

"back to life, back to reality"

At and Nu were lovely while Big A and I were gone: they took care of themselves and the puppy sibs, attended Pride events together, hosted DSA-related meetings here, and kept the house neat through it all. So while I did a complete vacuuming, cleaning, and restocking of the house today, I didn't have to navigate any big messes--just the little ones that no one but me notices.

But I kept vacation vibes going with two long hikes with Big A. Then we vented and backup planned about the delay in his Michigan job, I worked on the garden (deer ate our hostas and annual flowers again), and Big A worked on replacing the mailbox that someone ran into last week. 

Also: I joined a new committee at work (the invitation came from someone I want to work with), am thinking about volunteering for taking on an extra overload course at work next year (we've had a sad and surprise departure in the department), and reassured an editor that I'll have work to them by the end of next week according to our schedule (I hope it's not wishful thinking).

We got home yesterday, but today felt like we were really back!

Pic: Big A with Huckie and Max. Not a very good picture, but it makes me smile--all of it: Huckie's side eye, Max's proprietary paw, the fact that Big A is still wearing the two-dollar bead bracelet I got him...
 

Wednesday, June 21, 2023

moving on with joy

Once in a way there's a travel picture of me that tells me about myself. Last year, the picture of me at Sagrada Familia reminded me of the experience of awe in the face of beauty.

The picture here reminds me that I am capable of silliness and joy. A touchstone to keep me going in the colder/harsher/busier months of the year... 

We were only gone for five days, but it was such a reset in so many ways, it feels so much longer.

Pic: Under a waterfall in the hotel swimming pool.
Jamaica 

Tuesday, June 20, 2023

so blue


A walk by myself this morning to say goodbye to this incredible blend of sea-sky-horizon blues.

Pic: From the boardwalk.
Jamaica (Day #5 LaterPost)

Monday, June 19, 2023

hanging out



Every day is for falling asleep in the sunshine cradled in hammocks and rocked by sea breezes...

Pic: Adjoining hammocks for me and Big A.

Jamaica (Day #4 LaterPost)



 

Sunday, June 18, 2023

daydrinking / celebrating

We rarely drink anymore, so the sun and a second cocktail are all it takes to feel like a circus.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Pic: Sitting around in wet swimmies with drinks on the patio.

Jamaica (Day #3 LaterPost)

Saturday, June 17, 2023

basic beach

I can't believe I'm actually on the beach! I love the vacation sunglasses I got online; I plan to wear them everywhere...


Pic: On the beach right after breakfast.
Jamaica (Day #2 LaterPost)

 

Friday, June 16, 2023

and off we go!

We had to leave at 4:15 am to make our flight...

We're masking less and less these days, but airplanes and elevators still make me anxious. Even if it's not Covid, I don't want your cooties, thank you very much. 

Pic: On the plane to Montego Bay 
Jamaica (Day #1 LaterPost)

Thursday, June 15, 2023

so long

A day of goodbyes: an early morning stroll with L who is "on call" while At is in charge of the younger sibs, visits with my CASA kids, drinks with girlfriends this evening, extended hugs and detailed notes for the kids, wondering what Max will make of my absence...

Still unresolved: some packing dilemmas and general anxiety. I just gave myself a stern talking-to about how incongruous it is to be panicking about vacation. 

Pic: Waterlilies waking up; at MSU Radiology Gardens with L.

Wednesday, June 14, 2023

(as if) I am

I am not afraid of what I wished for 
I am a rock, I can grow old--
though tides pass over me like words 
for feelings I don't know

I sit still as breath in a shell, wonder
which side of sleep I am on
I open my arms to show you how big
but the ocean is already gone

Note: I guess I'm already daydreaming about sitting oceanside, although that's not till the end of the week. I'm so excited...

Pic: Max and Huck post groomer's. Max has such heart-emoji eyes for their big sib. Huck has somehow already lost their bandana.

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

bird by bird (or sheep by sheep)

Ok, it's past 3:00 am and I really should go to be in bed, but: 
  • Huck and Max are cuddling on my feet,
  • I've been working on the online course assignments that came with my service enlistment after a kind and encouraging reminder from the course facilitator, 
  • Big A is at work and texting me and I kind of really like chatting with him;
  • I need to check in on my sister who's fractured her hand and she is in a timezone that's 10 hours ahead, 
  • I have to finish writing this,
  • I want to read some more before I fall asleep. I'm currently reading the final installment of Hilary Mantel's Cromwell trilogy and love old Thomas more than any self-respecting socialist should.
  • etc. I have a lot more B.S. excuses for my sleep procrastination.

Next week, after I come back from vacation, I'm going to make sleep hygiene a priority. But one thing at a time. As the wonderful Anne Lamott says in another context, I should take it "bird by bird."

Pic: I was so delighted I got a warbling goldfinch in this shot! MSU Horticultural Gardens with L. 

Monday, June 12, 2023

mailboxes etc.

Things have shifted into a sweet, summer mode now that Nu's school is on break too. It has been quite the year for Nu, and it has been an education for me to watch as they worked on themselves and worked things out. I'm happy and proud... and reassured by this year. It's not how I would do things, but that's the whole point isn't it? 

This evening, as we were coming back from duct taping the mailbox back to its post (someone seems to have backed into it quite violently), we were laughing over finding a piece of the car that must have done it and styling ourselves as detectives. I cannot imagine either of us responding this way a year ago. I feel such deep gratitude for our journey. 

Pic: Red Cedar rapids this morning; just me, myself, and I.

Sunday, June 11, 2023

resisting the spiral

Getting caught up with mail this weekend, the card from the Humane Society (I thought it was going to be a request for donations) turned out to be a sweet and unexpected gut punch. It was a note to inform me that SV--a colleague I've met a total of two times--had made a donation in Scout's name. What a lovely and thoughtful gesture--I'm making a note of it as something I can do for other people in the future. 

My email notifications have got me feeling a bit overwhelmed. On top of all the other work things that haven't let up, a service thing (ACUE) I was invited to seems like it will require about eight hours of dedicated time weekly for the next month and a half when I'd allocated just one hour, and... ack. I really need a break.

I've managed a handful of hours on my writing project and a ton of hours on research, so there's something solid in that column. I have writing projects with EM, BR, and Big A that will need my attention too. I guess I'll have to sit down and make decisions about time and what exactly I'm hoping to get done with each thing and why. After I get through this week. After I get through this week. After I get through this week. 

One of my goals for this weekend was to read in the hammock with a popsicle. I didn't make it. 

But I did get a ton of lovely hangs with family and friends (LB, EM, LBT), Nu picked Poke for their Boss Day dinner today--so that was delicious and low/no effort, and as I realize every time I take Max outside--it's so very lovely and everything seems so soft and fragrant from our sweet summer rain this weekend. And also, in this good column, three poems I submitted to an anthology were accepted! My second anthology acceptance this year!

Pic: A still from Big A's video of Max and Huck playing together. 

Saturday, June 10, 2023

underworld

the storm stills, hovers 
over the house
in a rictus of yearning
turning to rage

shaking the sky loose 
I memorize clouds
marvel how it could be 
different with you

just defying every ending
--come back
under the sky, our world
the better one
*
Pic: MSU Rose Gardens with L. We found the roses near their peak and we became like birds ourselves: flitting from bush to bush, our noses to the blooms, excitedly exclaiming over each bouquet...

Friday, June 09, 2023

so close

I dreamed these walls  myself
my body punished by my will
triumphant, exalted, indelible
returning excuses to their core

other words are still wondering
on  pages or screens--no  matter
my meaning sputters on oblique
margins, vanishing on the shore
*
Pic: Cherries are almost ripe for plucking! I plucked a few today anyway because between the birds and the squirrels, waiting until they're really ripe might mean no cherries at all. There's plenty to go around, after all. (Why are the little creatures so wasteful though? It's like they take one peck/nibble and then it's on to the next cherry.)

Thursday, June 08, 2023

does grief make you mean?

I've been feeling quite irritable lately. Things that shouldn't be a big deal--like people asking me for instructions on how to do something for the fifth time (when they haven't even tried to do the thing yet), or people saying they did something by accident because they didn't know that wasn't allowed (when we had specifically talked about it), or people saying they'd do something and then just not doing it (which leaves me scrambling at the last minute)--are just irritating the eff out of me these days. 

I don't know if some B.S. detector switch has flipped in my brain or if it's business as usual and grief has nudged out extra emotions making them conspicuous to me. Either way, I'm finding it difficult to live with this version of me. I'd prefer to be the old me who could tap into compassion rather than irritation. Time to up the meditation, I think.

Pic: Sunrise with Huck and Max. They make me laugh.

Wednesday, June 07, 2023

now and then

I loved Nicole and NGS saying that yesterday's Wordle was a sign from Scout (in the comments). Scout was fairly illiterate in his earthly life, but I like the idea of a lettered Scout in the afterlife... he did have a terrific vocabulary of 100+ and was always very intelligent... Like we always had to take luggage out to the car when he was in the yard because he knew suitcases meant a separation.

My writer friend DL lost their family's Sophie this week, and they wrote the most moving and FUNNY eulogy. I love this last line so much: "In lieu of flowers, the family requests you go outside and give a good sniff to your friends and loved ones." Hug-laugh-sob.

Out in the world, my NYC friends are posting apocalyptic air quality pictures, and even we had hazy skies and an angry red sun long after sunrise this morning . It's only June and already wildfires are shifting into the 'uncontrollable' category.

Pic: Goslings, so fuzzy-wuzzy, along The Red Cedar while Big A protected me from the pugnacious parents.

Tuesday, June 06, 2023

puzzling



a prickle of certainty grows
--premonition, of nearing 
the end of a maze
                                        --the tangled day; then Wordle
                                        coyly unscrambles, hints
                                        your name back to me
                                                                                          I'm repeating: I'm ok, I'm ok,
                                                                                          I'm ok--and edit the evening
                                                                                          into ordinariness
for a while, we tricked the universe
into letting us be in the world 
at the same time
                                                          Now, call as I might, I know that 
                                                          I'll have to come to you--you 
                                                          will not return to me 

Monday, June 05, 2023

not merely a reflection

Workshop on campus today... For whatever my usual BS reason(s), I got very little sleep last night. I was pretty groggy even after a strong black tea--just not enough caffeine, I guess. The adrenaline shot I got from thinking that there was a cop car behind me as I was merrily speeding along to work woke me up nicely though. Ha.

When I stopped by my office during a break, I realized it had hosted a small miracle, as my plants were mostly ok although they hadn't been watered since Friday, May 5th... before I left for the UK...  a whole month! My geraniums were even in bloom. They got a heartfelt thank you and a good soaking today.

Oh, I had to take a break in my office because I teared up a few times because of mentions of Scout, and I could feel a good cry coming. I'm glad people get it. Even the colleague who said "I don't mean to sound callous, but it is a dog" is trying, IMO.

Pic: Radiology Gardens with L last week. The orange shadows in the water are koi--not merely a reflection of the red maple in the back...

Sunday, June 04, 2023

closer

I feel bad because I broke my shopping ban and did some online shopping last week. (1) I got suckered into the Loft sale and got a couple of things I DO NOT need. Better a Loft spree than an Anthro spree, I suppose. (2) However, no regrets on the 12-dollar sunnies I ordered for vacation, they showed up, and they're awesome. (3) I'm going to keep Craft and Conscience by my friend Kavita Das, which I ordered for At, a bit longer to myself as it seems like something I could use for a class. (4) The hammocks I ordered didn't fit our stands, so I washed the old ones and put them back on (this is what I should have done in the first place).

Otherwise, I had a lovely Boss Day...I made a risotto with feta and veggies for dinner with At, Nu, and Big A and then a cuddle/watch fest of a new season of I Think You Should Leave. 

Pic: Huck and Max get a little closer...

Saturday, June 03, 2023

Max week

It has been a week of/with/at Max. 

I'm so relieved Huck and Max seem to be getting along better. They're not cuddling together (yet), but they play (fight) quite nicely and they really bonded over their mutual panic this morning when I vacuumed the whole house.

Speaking of which, I had to go into Nu's room with a handful of plastic bags and a stack of laundry baskets just to be able to see their floor... I'm not exaggerating, and I'm genuinely worried about this child's ability to live on their own in a couple of years without hoarder-level dysfunction. (Finals week is coming up for Nu, and the stress has seemingly wrought havoc on them.)

Long conversations with sis and mom this morning, while the rest of the fam was asleep, about our India visit in August. One of the things we were discussing excitedly was if we should drive or take the train on some internal trips. And then friends began to text to check in because of the horrific train crash in northern India. It doesn't seem like anyone I knew was on either passenger train, but the huge death and injury tolls are sad and terrifying.

Pic: Huck and Max sharing (the path) by Scout's memorial. 


Friday, June 02, 2023

stay

I am reading aloud to myself
you knock on the door
tell me you hear me 
talking to someone 
                                 I have continued to live here
                                 the house where you died
                                 sharpening my gaze 
                                  into time's arrows
                                                                I am saying to the empty door
                                                                there's still time to change
                                                                 the ending, we could be
                                                                 alive right now
                                                                                          Look, look, those star-shaped 
                                                                                          flowers would fit perfectly
                                                                                          into the despairing holes
                                                                                          in the sky 

Thursday, June 01, 2023

half a sonnet for you

the day is a mirror
                                   it speaks in silence
only the two of us
                                   can still remember 
to laugh and laugh
                                   for  we can  laugh 
at almost anything
                                     unmastered, wild
the sun at our backs
                                     light in our eyes
our old life merely
                                     strings of memory
this new life yet
                                     in uncharted sands


Pic: Red Cedar River from the Sparty Bridge with BD.
Note: 14 half lines; about five syllables each. Kind of like one of those necklaces each one gets to keep half of.

Wednesday, May 31, 2023

shenanigans


Today I was busier than anyone ought to be at the start of summer--but there were huge deadlines to meet. And although I'd been working on them steadily for the past week, the final steps were still due. 

All done now (3:12 am): submitted MCTE materials, turned in Spring Term grades, approved pending NWSA proposals (and created and titled about twenty panels). Not a bad day's work. 

Remember when I wanted to set a timer to take regular breaks? Turns out I don't have to if there is a puppy who needs frequent potty breaks. So I got outside a lot too--it was gloriously summery.

Pic: Max gamboling. When you're so little, you can just slip through the fencing where mom's flowers are...

Tuesday, May 30, 2023

conviction

windows look to the sky
they look  like  skies
birds could fly into

weightless the horizon
and  sightless  the sky 
yet birds fly there too 

there is only waiting
and  the  wearing 
of shiny new loss

 dreaming  up  sequels
where we just call for
birds to fly through

Pic: Peonies are showing off.

Monday, May 29, 2023

Memorial Day

Yesterday we made a little Scout memorial. 

Originally, I thought we'd scatter his ashes around the bend where he'd come bounding to greet me. The wild phlox is in season again, so all that's missing from the scene of my favorite photo is Scout. But then I began to worry that if we moved to a different house in the future, we'd be leaving some part of him here, so I decided to continue to keep his ashes on the altar. As Big A pointed out, that little space off the kitchen where the altar is really is where Scout spent a lot of time hanging out with me while I meditated, or he waited for me to finish my kitchen chores, or he hung out trying to convince me to give him pets or treats.

I went through a lot of memorial stones with words on them, but I knew even as I checked with Big A that he'd find them too cheesy/ersatz. So I went with a rainbow wind chime and a solar lantern, and we set those up yesterday. I think I'll add a laminated photo to the wind chime in a bit. It was comforting to have a space for our memories of Scout while indulging in nostalgia and family hugs. And when I took Max out for a potty break at midnight, the pretty, patterned light from the perforated lantern was a sweet and steadying presence.

Pic: Scout's memorial. In the background, today's picnic with EM and Nu.

Sunday, May 28, 2023

Mother's Day!! (observed!)

We celebrated Mother's Day today as I was in England on the actual day. All day long At/Nu/Big A would say "Happy Mother's Day!" And then add sotto voce--"observed!"--as though they were reading off a calendar. Perhaps you had to be there, but it was low key hilarious. 

It was a Happy Mother's Day for me. We made breakfast tacos, which turned out delicious (At and Big A took some leftovers for later). At and Nu helped me dig up and plant some redbud saplings that L gave me and then we all worked in the garden as has become our custom. At and Nu put the new garden chairs together, Huck climbed on top of the picnic table to sun herself as she always does, and Max followed me around as I weeded and puttered and then flopped into the grass by my feet to nap. When the chairs were built (hi-jinks and a few YouTube videos were involved), we picnicked with lemonade and donuts. Nu and Huck headed back inside and I had a lovely heart-to-heart with my eldest while Max napped on my feet. 

Pic: The kids with me before card, presents, and heading outside...

 

Saturday, May 27, 2023

scale

Max is tiny; the responsibilities are huge. 

One forgets the massive undertaking the care and keeping of little ones can be. 

He's absolutely adorable; the way he toddles around being curious about everything is my favorite thing. What it must be to be all of eight weeks old in the world! I keep thinking Scout, friend to all beings, would have loved to play with him. 

Max likes shoes and has made a little pile of toys, shoes and hand towels in the rumpus room... I'm hoping that the people who live in my house and love their Converses, Docs, and Campers will start putting them away properly out of fear of Max now. Ha.

Pic: Nu with Huck and Max in the backyard.

Friday, May 26, 2023

no way but welcome

Max is here. Welcome, little one! 

This is a crazy idea and the timing seems way off. But I feel my heart growing as I find ways to welcome Max into the family. JN whose idea this was initially is 100% this is the right move (I was drinking a non alcoholic cider slushie yesterday so I was fully present), the rest of the family seemed convinced too, and suddenly we have a new puppy.

So far: Max, who is all of eight weeks old, is very enamored of Nu; likes to cuddle me like a lovey and sleep on my feet if I'm in a chair; pooped in the backyard three times like a champion; peed in the house twice by accident; likes walks and tolerates a leash; learned to ‘aah cheppu’ (say aah)  and eat from a spoon; is afraid of train sounds in our backyard; likes treats, but does not care for chewy treats; has learned to play with toys; has barfed up a meal; has chewed through a charging cable; is definitely the best poser in the family…

Huckie has been ignoring Max for the most part, although she's the main reason he's here. That and the fact that Max needed a family and a home. Huckie has been so forlorn since Scout. Big A and I have been worried about her going into decline as she was uninterested in most things, not eating enough, and--this part freaked us out--doing things only Scoutie used to do like refuse to use stairs, lie absolutely still with a tail wagging welcome, etc. We hope Huckie and Max will be best-friend-sibs, but if that doesn't happen, that's ok too. I'm perfectly fine if she decides to live her best life out of spite; she certainly seems more animated already.

(Scout was named for Scout Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird; Huck was named from Huckleberry Finn; Max is named for Max from Where the Wild Things Are--well, we already have a "Rumpus Room," nothing left to do but let the wild rumpus start, I suppose.)

Thursday, May 25, 2023

dinnertime rapture


by day's end
the tuning fork stabbed so deep 
into my heart begins to sound 
some kind of song

and the sky is
a syrupy catastrophe--but somehow
now even moths lumbering blindly
signify hope

Pic: Smelling the lilacs with L

Wednesday, May 24, 2023

but I haven't told all the stories yet

It has been a month.

I'm sorry to sound like a broken record, but I can't say it out loud to other people (except Big A)... I miss Scout. I miss Scout. I miss Scout. 

I do keep telling stories about him to everyone... and sometimes if the person I'm telling the story to is a stranger I might never see again, I tell the stories in present tense as though he were alive. 

I have so many stories. How we called him the 'writing wolf', because he'd wake up and hang out with me to write. Or how we called him 'wolf puppy' when he'd writhe on his back and bare his teeth. and how--we don't have a name for this--but how he'd get upset at raised voices and bark at the person who was being mean. 

Pic: Scout running to meet me--just about two years ago. This may be my favorite (grainy, fuzzy) picture of Scout.

Tuesday, May 23, 2023

being back

A puttering-around and recovering kind of day...

For me that meant watering my million indoor plants, cleaning the kitchen and kitchen appliances, changing the bed linens to summer friendly fabrics and patterns, sweeping and mopping the ground floor, and so on. I'd planned to vacuum the whole house, but Nu saved me.

(Nu saved me, that is, by leaving disposable contact lens cases and clean and dirty laundry and books and toys and trash all over their bedroom floor, so I kind of gave up on domestic goddess-ing at that point and contented myself with just getting the ground floor done.)

Then Big A came back early from Milwaukee, so there was a lot of squealing, and a long Sparty hike, and a long soak, and so much jabbering. Nu came back from school and tidied a little bit. It was Big A's Boss Day, he picked Sushi, and after a family hang out, it was early bedtime for everyone (except me).

Pic: Merely one pile of the yellowing and browned leaves I picked off my plants. Thanks to Nu who did some emergency watering while I was away, they're all alive. I'm hoping I can nurse my plants back to fullness soon. 

Monday, May 22, 2023

Home: In two pics


I brought my midwestern travelers home!
I love that there are some families and parents in this picture too...




Reunited with my babies! They took this selfie looming over me as I was falling asleep on the couch around 8:00 pm.

 

Saturday, May 20, 2023

Karl Marx, Gordon Ramsay, Farewell London

Last day in London today. I'd signed us up for a Karl Marx walking tour, but most people wanted to try to get on the London Eye, so off they went with my blessings. I took the bus to Piccadilly Sq. to meet the walking group and milled about on the fringes of a well-heeled, Boomer-ish looking group until I realized they were there for The Beatles walking tour. A few feet away a smaller, rag-tag group was beginning to gather and when I tentatively asked "Marx?" They responded "Yes!" and "Absolutely!" so enthusiastically I felt I was at a political rally.🙂

The guide has a doctorate in Marx studies, and although the sights themselves were merely the seedy front of buildings and smelly alleys, I learned A LOT. The best moment was towards the end of the tour when hearing about Eugene Pottier's travel through England, our multicultural group began to sing The Internationale in their native tongues.

So I had a super nerdy day by myself, then a farewell dinner with the group at Gordon Ramsay's restaurant recommended by a student, where we celebrated another student's birthday, and suddenly everyone seemed super sad to leave and "return to reality." I love these people. But also, I miss my babies, and am ready for my routines and grappling with the reality of a life without Scout. 

we got jokes


 


I miss my irreverent and rowdy family.

Friday, May 19, 2023

in the now


Now comes light and kindness
now vagrant  looks and opaque  fights
now the child tries to die again
he is 12, and he's tried eight times  now
I comfort his sister, make her tea
 give her my empty words, take hers on
but we're a continent too far away
things are always going--pride and  envy
the burst seeds of temper or love
if the not dead dream of kindness and light 
can we bring it to them right now?

Pic: From the nave of St. Martin in the Fields. Lunchtime concert (Carolyn Taylor and Sebastian Issler).


Thursday, May 18, 2023

Jhalak: a glimpse*

Sunny Singh generously spent  the morning with us, taking questions about her work from students who'd  written about her work using superlatives in their reading journals.

And in the evening, we attended the fabulous Jhalak Prize celebration at the London Library as Sunny's guests. This was definitely a highlight of the trip--most of the authors on the shortlists (children's and adult) were on hand to give a short reading and mingle. There is so much great writing in the world... I need to rearrange my life so I can read it all.

Pic: Travis Alamanza, Ann Sei Lin, Danielle Jawando, Christine Pillainayagam, Lucy Farfort, Angela Hui, Anita Pati, and Charles Patterson. Sheena Patel and Ayanna Banwo are up to hijinks with their books in the front row.

* Jhalak translates as "glimpse," so I'm being as tautological as chai tea.

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

"All the world's a stage"

I'm in bed mode now, so just four more days before I head for home. I can make fake it. (Look at me with all my theater and acting references.)

I've been checking in with students and our chaperone, and basically everyone is simultaneously having a great time and also ready to go home. Good to know I'm not the only one.

Also, the last time I did this, At came along as a student and Nu came along as my companion, and I made breakfast for them in my flat every morning and we weren't apart for Mothers' Day. Guess it makes sense that this time would feel different and difficult.

Pic: A Comedy of Errors at the Globe Theatre. Not my favorite Shakespearean play, but I did enjoy it more than I thought I would because it was a different version from the one I saw in May 2019.
 

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

reset

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with duty and being in work mode 24-hours a day. + A gnawing low-key headache all the time.

Texts from home urging me to "tum home soon" (we don't have a toddler, but everyone still uses long-ago toddlerese) weren't helping. And grief for Scout is constant and the risk of it erupting feels high.

I needed some time to myself, so after I delivered everyone to the V&A after class this afternoon, I took off for some solo adventures and shopped for gifts and splurged two pounds on a bottle of conditioner (the bar conditioner DID NOT WORK). Back at the flat, I made myself a veggie-rich meal and am beginning to feel a bit more like myself.

When I shared some pictures from last week on FB, a childhood friend remarked that I was "living the dream." Indeed, I am--time to start acting like it.


Monday, May 15, 2023

Hyde Park Time

In honor of being at Speakers' Corner, everyone recited a small piece from a famous Hyde Park speaker. It's always interesting what people choose--we heard a variety from Pankhurst to Orwell.

I remember specifically asking people to memorize their bit, and... some didn't. I need to sit with why I feel so irritated by this.

I don't feel well today. + I'm at that point in the trip where I'm seriously counting down how long before I get to go home. A week is the upper limit of time I can spend away before the experience begins to pall. 

Pic: Our picnic at Hyde Park. 

Sunday, May 14, 2023

Kensington Pavilion: A toast to tea


In preparation for reading the Edwardians, we sat down to a proper afternoon tea party in the Kensington Palace pavilion today. And like proper people of leisure we lingered there for nearly two hours.

It's Mothers' Day in the U.S., so lots of sweet pictures of friends with kids and moms on my feed. It made me miss At, Nu, and Huck pretty fierce. 

No reading today as it's a Sunday, but I did share this article that blows my mind every time“Tea if by Sea; Chai if by Land.”

Pic: All dressed up with pinkies out, cos we're fancy like that.

Saturday, May 13, 2023

Oxford: building a longer table

I absolutely love when I can bring my old life and my current life together. 

Today we went to Oxford and my students got to meet my old profs. Lectures, Q&A, a long pub lunch at a suitably long table... my heart is full. 

A couple of students said they'd like to do graduate school at Oxford/in the U.K. I love being able to help--even a little bit--to nudge open the door from our small bubbles into the world.

What we read: papers by Robert and Will because we were meeting them. And also--thanks NGS--extracts from R.F. Kuang's Babel because it's set in Oxford and is about translation and colonialism.

Pic: Profs and students at The Royal Oak. A colleague brought their adorable 13-year-old doggie to lunch... and I had to quickly blink away tears because I started imagining Scout making it to 13.  I miss everyone at home right now, and I think some part of me thinks he'll be there when I reunite with the rest of the family in ten days.

trying to be strong

Gaza Poets Society  has shared many beautiful poems over the years. Yesterday their message was a stark and anguished plea: "Save our c...