Thursday, June 08, 2023

does grief make you mean?

I've been feeling quite irritable lately. Things that shouldn't be a big deal--like people asking me for instructions on how to do something for the fifth time (when they haven't even tried to do the thing yet), or people saying they did something by accident because they didn't know that wasn't allowed (when we had specifically talked about it), or people saying they'd do something and then just not doing it (which leaves me scrambling at the last minute)--are just irritating the eff out of me these days. 

I don't know if some B.S. detector switch has flipped in my brain or if it's business as usual and grief has nudged out extra emotions making them conspicuous to me. Either way, I'm finding it difficult to live with this version of me. I'd prefer to be the old me who could tap into compassion rather than irritation. Time to up the meditation, I think.

Pic: Sunrise with Huck and Max. They make me laugh.

9 comments:

Nicole said...

I don't think grief makes you MEAN, per se, but it can sure make you irritable. And that's okay! It's totally okay to be irritable. I am sure that you will start to lose the irritation as the grief settles in. I don't think grief ever really goes away but it softens so much.

Gillian said...

Meditation is good.

maya said...

Thanks, Nicole--I hope this comes true for me!
Gillian, yes--I think so too.

StephLove said...

The deaths of the last two cats we lost were followed within weeks by a medical/psychiatric crisis on North's part. Probably not a coincidence. It makes sense it affects your equilibrium.

(The first time I could not get any medical professional interested in the fact that North was the one to find Matthew paralyzed and less than 2 weeks later they were paralyzed. So I was surprised that when we were relating the story to our new family therapist she seemed to think it was quite pertinent.)

maya said...

StephLove, I hadn't realized North's paralysis was so acutely connected to losing Matthew. I'm so, so sorry! How traumatizing for them and you. (The way you established the connection between the events is impressive, though!)

Mom of Children said...

For the past two weeks, I've been very sensitive and cynical. I think I am burned out and just need to go on break. I really do love my job (teaching), and next week is my last week.

maya said...

Mom of Children--Yes! Teaching burnout can definitely be a part of it. I hope this last week is easy on you and that you have a wonderful summer break!

NGS said...

Yeah, I don't think grief makes you MEAN, exactly. For me, it's that I spend most of my life giving people the benefit of the doubt (oh, they cut me off in traffic? they're probably having a medical emergency and are in a big hurry to get the hospital) and then when I need people to give me a little leniency, they don't offer it. It's...exhausting. And you're tired. And it's a hard time. At least, that's my explanation.

maya said...

NGS, I wish you all the kindness and leniency you need... gosh that does sound exhausting and saddening. How lovely of you to offer compassion to others despite it all though <3.

hanging in there/hanging by a thread: a week of random things I thought about with A in the hospital

Wednesday, July 10:  Big A's healthcare team doesn't have a clear way forward, so neither do we. But I found the buttons to move his...