spinning

It's no secret that Big A is a more indulgent puppy kid parent than a human kid parent... and it's no surprise that Scout's condition hit him hard. I've had to be the emotionally supportive partner more than I can ever remember being. 

I was kind of depending on Big A because... what do I know--Scout is my first ever pet and all I've ever done is read books. Big A is an emergency physician, he had a lot of pets growing up--he'd know what to do, right? No. Families make end of life decisions not healthcare providers, and all his pets "got given away or run over" and hearing that made me want to cry all over again.

Anyway, last day of classes today and then a wine-and-cheese thing at our college President's house. When Prez A politely asked me how I was, I started telling him about my dying puppy (face palm). He then valiantly saved the conversation by telling me that he and Big A follow each other on Zwift, so we were able to turn back to safer topics before I had a meltdown.

Pic: Big A with Scout and Huck post backyard walk; a glimpse of me in the mirror.

tiny, beautiful things

The hospice vet visited this morning--everyone I asked recommended her, and she lives up to all the wonderful things people said about her. We now have a sort of plan: we are to call her when the bad days begin to outnumber the good days. 

Today was a bad day, FTR. On good days, I feel Scout could go on for months; on bad days I wait for the next good day. I was such a mess today; in meetings, I could definitely feel myself bringing people down with my horrible energy.

Also, it's not helping that I've been watching Tiny, Beautiful Things, which is devastating. It's based on the Cheryl Strayed book and I cry through half the show at least. When I peeked at the book, it looks really different in structure, so I'm going to have to get it and read it. And cry some more.

Pic: Scout and Huck love this little dell with its carpet of tiny bluets in April and I'm glad I got this picture of them together so carefully sniffing everything.

living in hope

My colleague-friend, who helped me get to Scout and lost her own puppy unexpectedly that same week, thinks Scout died too. It makes sense because Scout's death seemed so imminent ("a matter of hours to days") and also I kind of avoided her question about Scout when we were texting in the aftermath of her loss. It seemed such an unfair allocation of fate.

Anyway, the hospice vet is coming to check on Scout tomorrow. There is no good news (if the internal bleeding doesn't take him out, they say the tumors causing it surely will). But friends tell me their own loves have lived up to a year with similar diagnoses, and so I live in hope. 

playing catch up

I really did take the weekend off for once, so there was a ton of Monday stuff to get through this morning... almost all done now. I worked so single-mindedly that when I got up at the end of that session, I was quite dizzy. I keep thinking I should set a timer for an hour to remind myself to move/drink water/give my eyes a break. I should just do it already.

Scout and Huck are a bit miffed about the end of Easter weekend; Nu has a ton of PSAT testing this week so they're taking things easy; At showed up for dinner with a couple of his labor friends; Big A returns tomorrow; this is the last week of classes for me. There! All caught up.

Pic: Scout! These days I follow him around the way he usually follows me. 

Happy Easter

A gorgeous day and I got to spend it all with all my babies. 

We did our usual egg hunt in the backyard with rhyming clues.  This year the clue At and Nu found tough was the one that rhymed rains/cranes... they kept getting stuck... "wains?" "brains?" That sounded so zombie-like, it made me laugh. A lot.

My heart is full today. Christmases, birthdays, and Easter make Scout and Huck especially bonkers with happiness--I feel happy we got to do another Easter with Scoutie.

Pic: Can you see all four kids? I thought the tree shadows looked so cool.

saying yes

Yes, it was a good day for Scout today. He loves a good Easter egg hunt, so I'm extra glad he's with us tomorrow. 

The vet gave us Yunan Baiyao--a Chinese herb cocktail that seems to be helping with the internal bleeding; it won't cure the tumors, but I say yes to whatever extra days Scout can spend with us. 

I checked with the hospice vet that I'm not saying yes at the expense of Scout's well being. They gave us a quality of life and pain scale interpreter, and apart from the very bad days (3/31, 4/1, and 4/6), the other days have been alright... 

I can still see Scout being himself. This morning he saw me after his short ramble in the backyard and started to run towards me the way he always does. I was afraid he would restart his internal bleed and started saying "slowly, Scout, slowly"--but he heard his name and thought I was calling him and ran harder. I watched for his belly to distend all morning, but so far so good.

Pic: EM took this photo of Scout and me this afternoon when she visited. I'll treasure this one. As I'm the official picture taker in the family, there aren't enough pictures of me and Scout together. When people ask if they can take my picture these days, I say yes (even if my face is tear-streaked, my hair is a mess, and my bra strap is showing).

can't make up how scary life's randomness can be

Last week when I was in Denver freaking out about Scout, my friend/colleague LV was the absolute best.

 She let me vent and ugly cry, she sat with me close enough to talk or to be quiet, did stuff with students I did not have the energy for, drove me home from the airport so I'd not have to wait for the airport shuttle and could get home to see Scout two hours earlier... and so much more.

Her puppy--her two-year-old puppy--died today from a bowel obstruction and emergency surgery.

I can't.

impressive

Honors Day has got to be my favorite; I'm thoroughly impressed by the work student-people do (even when I've seen the work in process and up close for nearly a year). 

Also: everything was this close. The student whose work I had sponsored was the runner up for the Kapp prize, the student whom I had nominated for a Barlow was also a runner up. A certain someone gave a winning introductory speech at the fancy dinner though (it was me!).

If I sound hyper and/or cocky it's because I'm thrilled I get to have another night spooning Scout. When I left him in Big A's care this morning he was doing so badly, we'd decided to call hospice at the end of the day. I had that hanging over my head as I went to student panels--turning on my good energy, going back to my office between panels to panic and cry, then back to panels again. I kind of impressed myself by how well I could fake seeming normal in between crying on the phone to my sister and KB, crying on text to EM and LB etc.

Then Big A texted that Scout had started to rally--he'd even made it outside. It's kind of impressive that Scout has made it to the one-week mark at this point. He's way worse than he was a week ago, and his breathing is sometimes noisy and heartbreakingly labored. But he doesn't seem to be in pain and he's calm, content, and here.  

Pic: Big A's photo of the sibs together.

more goodbye

I got greedy. 

At first I was just so grateful Scout was still here when I got back from Denver. Then I wanted more. My return perked him up and Sunday was such a very good day... so I began to feel the docs were wrong, and he'd somehow make it through.  

But after we got the second opinion and Scout got that semi shave, he seems to be declining again and not even I can ignore that everything seems to be a struggle for him right now.

I'm in no way prepared for a life without Scout.

Friends have been coming by to say goodbye...

Pic: BSL with Scout; Huckie sneaks a kiss.
 

favorite child

Pic: I've been thinking of this post from two years ago a lot. It's clear now, despite all my previous protestations, that I do have a favorite child... and Scout is it. 

"yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away"

(Sounds weird to say it, but...) I had a great day yesterday. 

On Friday, the E.R. doc had said that it was merely a matter of "hours or days" for Scout, so getting home a day and a half later and seeing him wag his tail in greeting and get on his feet for pets from me was terrific in itself.

And then I got to have all my kids at breakfast (two at the counter, the other two on the floor) wanting attention, sharing news, being themselves. Really... it's what I've missed every day since At went away to college. I spent the rest of the morning talking/reading --At's head in my lap; Nu (who's way less touchy-feely) on the sofa next to me, letting me squeeze their shoulder now and then; Scout and Huckie snuggled up on my other side. Then I made lunch for everyone. Then people went off to do their own thing for a while. Then I made dinner for everyone. Then we watched a show and played word games. It was like an ordinary and perfect Sunday.

And maybe I'm only seeing what I want to see, but while Scout does look unwell, he doesn't look like he's at death's door. For hours at a time, I could almost forget that the options we'd been given for Scout were surgery (with a failure rate of 7/10) and "humane euthanasia." 

Today we took Scout to another hospital for a second opinion, because surely those can't be the only options? But no--those are the only options. He's hospitalized for the day so they can do a detailed ultrasound to determine if surgery is even viable, and then we get to have that discussion about whether to put him through surgery all over again. 

I'm not having a great day today. Going this whole day without Scout when our days together are so numbered seems especially stupid. 

Pic: Scout (and Huckie) following me around yesterday.

hanging in there

Scout is hanging in there...

and so--

so are we. 

Pic: Scout and Nu this morning.

the waiting game

Just waiting to go home to Scout and I'm in that space where everything feels surreal, and other people seem alien.

All I've done today is cry a lot and wish for the day to pass quickly. It didn't, but no matter how slowly... time passes.

At the airport now, waiting to board the flight, which is delayed--but not by much. Fingers crossed.

stuck in Denver...

Big A is with Scout at the E.R. because my baby is not doing well. They see a lot of fluid they think is blood in his ultrasound and... it doesn't look good.

Over the last couple of years, Scout has run into health problems and I've involuntarily imagined the end. In none of those scenarios did I ever imagine that I wouldn't be right there with him. 

I'm scheduled to leave for home at midnight tomorrow. And there are no other available flights that get me in earlier...

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 36 hours before I see Scout. I hope I see Scout. 

Pic: From the walkway bridge inside the hotel when I didn't know Scout was declining.

2016 redux: good bones, breaking news

You've surely read Maggie Smith's poem "Good Bones," which went viral in 2016 and you should read the article she published in The Cut yesterday about how her fame led to the breakdown of her marriage. Her ex sounds like a dick--any marriage in which one spouse becomes "the staff" in the household is deeply unjust and unloving.

That aside, I was distracted by her declaration that "When I walked in the door, I was married. Mrs. When I walked outside, I was divorced. Ms." This isn't the point of the article, but where does this belief that "Ms." is for divorced women come from? I thought the whole damn point of "Ms." was to move away from the marriage specificity of "Miss" and "Mrs." I was a "Ms."since I was 14? 15? Currently, I like"Mx" best of all.

I'm in Denver with our English honorary students who are presenting at the annual international convention. At and Big A are home to make sure Nu has some fun on their Spring Break. They're having sleepovers and going to movies and I'm missing them and missing out.

Pic: The kids sent me this candid of Big A at the moment he found out about Trump being indicted for the 2016 hush money payment. Has any photo demonstrated more "fuck around and you'll find out" energy?

the mom who changed

I'm older, my mom is old... and I've mostly stopped trying to change her mind about stuff. We're both stubborn, we rarely persuade each other, and she gets pretty upset.

This morning she said something bigoted on the family chat, and I couldn't let it go. So I texted back some links about why she was wrong. She  texted back, cheekily, "Om Namo Namaha Lecture-ji" (vague translation: "I bow to you, respected lecturer").

I just giggled when I read that. I have no illusions that I changed her mind--but it does mean I got to see my mom deescalate a situation for what feels like the first time in my life.

by night and candlelight

I found this lovely Jeanette Winterson lifestyle quote yesterday, which got me reassessing dawn and dusk:

"I have noticed that when all the lights are on, people tend to talk about what they are doing–their outer lives. Sitting round in candlelight or firelight, people start to talk about how they are feeling–their inner lives... To sit alone without any electric light is curiously creative. I have my best ideas at dawn or at nightfall, but not if I switch on the lights...." (The entire thing, including some yummy food ideas, is here.)

I started today with a candlelight meditation... and look at me now, headed to bed before midnight like some fucking champion functioning adult.

Pic: A single lit votive brings glimmer to everyday objects. (The tiny, dried wildflowers I bought home from Las Ramblas last summer are a shot of joy every time I look at them. I remember how the vendor was so engrossed in his book, he didn't even look up as he pocketed the Euro I held out and handed this bunch over to me.)

best friends

Scout's still lagging. I've been told to keep an eye on him, so that's what I'm doing. He seems a bit better today, but I'm not sure if that's just me seeing what I want to see.

Anyway, I'm spending a lot of time daydreaming about my India trip in August and writing back all the school friends who remembered me on my birthday. And it got me thinking back to those intense friendships of girlhood where I'd spend all day passing notes in class and come home to talk for hours on the telephone to the same people. I really had nothing going on in my life then, so I can't even imagine what we talked about.

It blew my mind when I realized that SD my bestest friend through grades 6-10 (Holy Angels Convent) and NJ, my bestest friend in grades 10-12 (Sacred Heart School) have never met each other despite living in the same city... and the same neighborhood (Adayar) all these decades. How did that happen? When I told my sister this, she didn't think it was surprising at all. I guess when you live in a big city, your standards for accidental meetings are different. Also--I think new best friend and old best friend may have been somewhat wary of each other back then? We're all so much more mellow now... I'm wondering if I should introduce SD and NJ to each other after all these years this August or if the universe will implode in some way if I do.

Pic: Huck urging Scout--"hurry up, catch up!"

Spring things

Scout isn't feeling very well, so we went outside to work in the garden, because he likes to hang out with me there. And look! Hellebores are coming up around the pond. It definitely gave my heart a much-needed lift. 

But I think I'll call the vet tomorrow if Scout doesn't seem better. I just listened to a show where Karen Fine, who's promoting her new book The Other Family Doctor, talked about her life as a veterinarian--so I have the feeling "doesn't seem like himself" is a perfectly acceptable symptom.

At stopped by for family dinner, and I made Kothu Paratha, which is typically made from leftover parathas and curry... which we didn't have. So I made everything from scratch and now we have some tasty leftovers. 

While At was here, they got a text from Jaz Brisak for the first time and it was fun seeing them figure out what to text back without sounding too much like a stan. I think excitement was definitely warranted;  I mean, I was excited. Then At and I went for a long walk-and-talk in the springy drizzle. Lots of walking, lots of talking--until it got too wet and cold for me, and I caved and suggested we go inside. 

And that's the end of the weekend! But Nu is on Spring Break this week, so things should feel a little lighter.

Pic: Hellebores and little yellow pods I can't identify.

complex bedtime procrastination: am I up early or up late?

I'm putting it out into the universe that I need to get better at sleep hygiene. Is it even revenge bedtime procrastination if what I'm doing obsessively at 3:00 am is work-related? (I was Spring Term visioning last night.) 

I make a lot of excuses: I need to spend time downstairs with Scout and Huck (Scout cannot do stairs anymore and does not like to be carried); Big A works nights and has a messed up sleep schedule and I'm sympathy messing up my sleep schedule (but he can sleep during the day and I can't); I seem to be getting by fine with 3-4 hours in bed (but surely this cannot be good for me?); when Big A is at work, I'm a bit too anxious to sleep (and then we text a lot in the middle of the night and I like doing that); the afore-mentioned revenge bedtime procrastination after long work days (when I'm reading or scrolling with heavy eyes and fingers).

Stuff's complex, but I'm sure there are hacks to deal with each element of this. 

Pic: In other news, I didn't leave the house at all today--a combination of exhaustion, midday work meeting, rainy day, eyebrow zit, weekend, Nu on Spring break, etc. So this picture is from last week's solo walk on the MSU campus. I love the simplicity, vagueness, and the enthusiasm. And I heart exclamation points!

conjectural

I've been hearing that people who think they're attractive prefer not to mask. I mask everywhere--read into that what you will. 

However, I'm still vain enough that if my eyebrow piercing were infected and zitty looking, I'd wear beanie pulled over it all day at work.

Just saying.

Pic: Me in my office this morning.
 

a feminist fair

We held our eighth WGS Symposium today, and students did SUCH a great job. I was a bit miffed on their behalf that we didn't get a bigger crowd. They worked so hard and were so creative in their projects--they deserve ALL the acclaim.

I have been bragging      
about     
these people    
for           

years now. 

I took tons of photos as usual. My favorite this year has to be the poster about men's mental health surrounded by the smiling faces of the many guys who came out to support their friend. 

I feel so hopeful around my students. 😍 

Pic: The Gender-affirming table with pronoun pins, and a blank U.S. map to test attendees' knowledge of trans-exclusionary states.

show and tell

L is back! L is back! But just for 24 hours. She's leaving again tomorrow, headed west and then south for weddings and what she's calling a "birthday for the masses."

L has been gone for a month, and we've missed each other dearly. It was good to spend some time early this morning bringing each other up to date on all the things we'd been saving to share. And while we didn't go on one of our legendary hikes, as her leg isn't feeling normal yet, we made it to the Radiology Gardens. 

People in other parts of the country have been posting crocuses, daffodils, and cherry blossoms... nothing's coming up here except maybe hellebores. We're not there yet, but I can sense Spring, and am so excited for it. 

Later in the day, At invited me to the Starbucks down the street... to protest... as they were having a "sip-in." But I couldn't go this time. And then At and Nu went to see Lynn Nottage's Sweat at the Wharton. I would have liked to go with them, but no one asked me. Whomp-whomp. Also, I had a meeting. Whomp-whomp-whomp.

Pic: Aconites and snowdrops under a bare Linden tree. MSU Radiology Gardens.

From the Dictionary of Sleeplessness

memory is just a mix-and-match
of a hundred doors and 

a hundred songs 

reverie is very nearly recovery

the surprise surplus from  

my unspent dreams

mystery is a mess of meditation

the splash of insight amidst

the magic wreckage

----------------------------------

Pic: On a day I needed kindness, waiting at my office door were kind words and a Princely present from CW--student-teacher and barista extraordinaire. I get by purely because there are so many kind and lovely people in the world who help me through this thing called life.

boop

Some days are just about Huckleberry sticking out their tongue and trying to boop you on the nose. 

That's all I have in me today.

(AI) Art Class

If it takes a special kind of nerd to sit in a classroom on Sunday afternoon, I am that nerd. 

EM and I signed up for an AI art workshop around my birthday--I'd asked friends to give me experiences/donations to RDC this year since I already have so much stuff, and this was EM's pick for me. (Let the record show I tried to make her take me to Cocaine Bear, but she balked. Even birthdays will only get you so far. Ha.)

I enjoyed the heck out of the fact that our instructor for this very new tech was a very old person. Take that, ageism! EM and I played with style and color all afternoon. It was fun, especially since I'm not an artist in real life. But like Chat GPT with writing, Dall-E is just ok. 

Also (pet peeves coming up next): I thought the point was to get AI to do the boring tasks so humans could have more time for creative ones, not vice versa. It also bugs me when corporations (via AI) steal samples from artists to make stuff (it doesn't bother me when those roles are reversed).

Pic: "Holi in the style of Marc Chagall" by Dall-E2. Love the colors, but the expressions are off; the two on the right look especially tortured.

 

Holi Heyyyy!!

I put off our Holi celebrations for a couple of weeks hoping it would seem more spring like when we celebrated since Holi is traditionally celebrated to welcome spring--but today turned out to be the coldest and windiest it has been in weeks... 

Still and all, our friends rallied and showed up despite the gusting snow flurries. We fired up a Bollywood playlist, put out Costco snacks, set out Holi colors, and a good time was had by all. 

I mean... did "Holi Heyyyy!" (It's Holi) become "Heyyyy, Holi" (Hello, Holi)? Sure; but that made it perfect in its own way.

Pic: Nu and their friends mid celebration. 

marking some moments

It's St. Patrick's Day!*

It's conference day!

I spent all day chairing the WGS section of a conference. Four of my (undergraduate) students presented--brilliantly. I was so proud of them. 

Some years we mark St. Pat's Day--our Ganesha wears green, and we make Irish food. This year Nu forgot to wear green was wearing their usual black (and red) so someone gave them a slip of green construction paper to pin to their clothes.

Shoutout to the Michigan legislature for some heartening legislation recently. Yesterday, we passed gun control bills (not perfect, but a start) and expanded the Elliot Larsen Civil Rights Law to include prohibition of discrimination on the basis of "sexual orientation and gender or identity or expression." This protects the wellbeing and safety of so many young people I know and love, and I'm truly ecstatic about it.

Pic: A screen shot of some of us at the conference... I like how it looks like an academic photo booth!

* We're not Irish, but I love the Irish for their centuries-long struggle against British colonial rule and inspiring and mentoring the India Home Rule League along the lines of the Irish Home Rule League in the 19th century. Their anti-apartheid work in South Africa and Palestine in the 20th and 21st centuries is another A+. And of course--we all love Derry Girls.

bits of weirdness

I'm having a tough time of it. 

Campus still feels eerie. And in its own way, that feels right. We shouldn't be able to go from losing someone to life as usual. 

And then my dad's younger brother died this week. A family of six brothers, they were the two closest in age and everything else. This uncle absolutely loved dad. My sister and I always rolled our eyes when he was around, because he took up so much of our dad's time when we wanted it all to ourselves as dad was (and is still) the fun parent. 

I was randomly thinking of my uncle on Tuesday... and then on Wednesday I heard from family about his passing. That (coincidence?) felt weird and spooked me and now I'm kind of scared to think of anyone. (Nu's advice: maybe only think of people you don't like. My kid is too funny/frightening.)

I spent a long time--like a weirdo--watching a three-legged deer on their nighttime nosh in the front yard tonight. It may have been the same three-legged deer from year 1 of the pandemic--the stump seems nicely healed and they seemed comfortable moving around. 

Pic: A card Nu made for me earlier this month.

possession

I wonder what our mothers say 

to each other, the way their 

sentences leaf and flower

to split us into saints and kismets

knit us into the center

of every cosmos

look how devout their bright love 

which in the sum of certainty  

becomes who we are 

Pic: Red Cedar River, MSU

back in the dark

One of our students passed away at the local hospital yesterday. I came home early today after canceling my second class so students could attend the vigil and seek support services. But although I'm home early, I feel tired and sad and my whole body hurts. I don't think I've ever met or interacted with this student--torn between relieved it's someone I didn't know and dejected that it's someone I will never know now.

Pic: Thanks to DST, the morning walk to Nu's school bus with Scout and Huck is in the dark again. Beautiful, haloed half moon in the sky today though. 

a small victory

the annual war                    and a small victory

all the feelings of triumph for   a small victory

the earth exhales       into an armful of  flowers

this is bigger than a chess game but nothing like 

a world war     like I said, only  a small victory

failure is a luxury                   I do not have      I

imagined another life      until this life found me 

the self part disappears     from my self portrait

you dance on my chest like a garland of victory

I've hung you there                    like a white flag

Pic: Winter buttercups (aconites) brave the snow; MSU Beal Gardens.

 

backstories

Ok, I'm still here: trying to climb 

this ladder straight to sleep

breath slides down time, tries to flee

what continues to be today 

should I say my wild hopes out loud

counting uncertain sheep 

or could I reach--assuming I don't fall--

for the safety of dreams  

_______________________________

Pic: Scout and Huck critique Big A's downward dog.

(Actually... we set up for yoga, but Scout and Huck think mats are for wrestling.)

perspective is everything

I knew I was headed to bed late... but whoa, it's past 4 am. I guess I totally forgot about DST. I'll have to be up in two hours or so... (It's Sunday, so there's no "I have to," it's just that I always seem to wake up early.)

Yesterday, we had a huge snow storm and Nu had a snow day. I could have made my meetings virtual, but Big A was home, and I wanted to spend some time on campus taking care of things so I headed out. I sweetened the deal for myself by making walking dates with two of my favorite people on campus--we walked in the rec center and yakked away. I got a ton of stuff done without distractions and knowing I had a date with AK after student meetings and one with SS for after committee meetings made things easier. 

Nu put their snow day to good use and built a snow person. This person is about 10 inches tall... perspective matters 😛

Pic: Nu's snow person (approx. 10" perched on the picnic table).

The case of the janky side gate: a Lansing whodunnit

Yesterday, while I was at work, Nu at school, and Big was working in the garage... Scout and Huck popped in to say hi to him. 

That was SO cute, but they shouldn't have been able to come around the side of the house like that because the side gate is always shut. 

Except this time, it wasn't--it had been left ajar. 

Our side gate looks like a stable gate, and I'm kinda always secretly hoping that there'll be a surprise pony popping up to say hello as I drive up to the garage some day. Anyway, it's the big, cumbersome gate in the pic... the big, cumbersome side gate that has always been broken as long as we've lived here and needs to be lifted slightly to move it. 

Which is to say, the puppies couldn't have opened it. I know Nu and I haven't. The last time we opened that gate was when the roofers were here months ago. Who came by and moved the gate and then left in a hurry without closing it? No one knows.

Actually, I don't even want to know. I just hope they never do it again.

no... and yes...

How is it Thursday already? I'm teaching only two classes this semester, but every teaching day feels a bit breathless. 

I'm glad I've been learning how to say "no" effectively. I tend to over empathize and overcommit (and then inevitably panic with overload and deadlines) so this is progress. Giving up the Egypt conference was heavy, but I wouldn't have been able to really do justice to that trip at such a busy time of the semester anyway.

Although... I'm happy to be able to say "yes" to things that require mostly money rather than time or energy. And sometimes that lines up perfectly. Having said yes to various girls scouts selling cookies meant I didn't have to make a separate stop for the tea party yesterday as I had five varieties of cookies already sitting in the trunk of my car. 🙂

Pic: From the weekend that was--birthday hike with Big A at The Ledges.

one celebration at a time...

Happy International Women's Day!

Here's a pic from the annual MacCurdy House International Women's Day tea celebration today. I think it's the first one we've had in person since 2019. As always, great conversations and solid community building.

(Yes, I know it's Holi today too, but I got home so late from work... the plan is to celebrate it on Saturday when more of the family is home anyway.)

two-moon day

Today was the first teaching day after break and there was a headlong quality about it. I kept remembering things I didn't get to tell students... like how much I enjoyed reading their midterms. (And also: damn, I write good exams.)

The poet Shonda Buchanan visited my classes today, and it was inspiring to see her work the room. A student who is usually quiet in the literary theory classroom was absolutely animated discussing her poetry. I loved seeing that.

I'm headed to bed in a minute and I'm just feeling so much joy at the thought that I can lie in bed and gaze upon the full moon until I fall asleep. There's something primitive (?) in me that rejoices in the sky--the night sky especially. 

I saw the moon this morning when Scout, Huck, and I walked Nu to the bus stop too. Just on the basis of these sightings, I'm counting today a success.  

Pic: Full moon and sunrise blush this morning.

here and there

Back to work today; got lots done. 

(And lots more to do... always lots more to do.)

What I'm not doing this month: Going to that conference in Egypt I was invited to. 

What I am doing this month: Plotting a study trip to the U.K. in May. Panicking a bit that the exchange rate is not working in our favor. Calling in favors so my students can have a memorable time.

Pic: my birthday flowers are happy in the jungle tea garden.

a soft time machine

as a child I imagined freedom being a wandering

far bells ringing alone, a-lone, a-lone

to begin building my wings 

in this day so crystalline it could tell my future 

I am drawn into the warmth of dawn 

unpin myself, go on alone

presence tightens inside me, its slow summons 

keeping hold of the cold, consents to soften

all the tall, twice-built walls

Pic: A snowy Red Cedar River on a snowy birthday walk by myself 3/4/2023.

Marching Forth...

I guess my birthday has been my birthday all my life, and "March Forth Day" is way more recent; but I think I celebrated both brilliantly today.

My parents, sister, uncles, aunts, and cousins wished me early (at a time when it's still the same day both here and in India). Then 7:00 am came around and I was presented with brilliant blue skies and about 6-8 inches of fresh snow. The rest of my little family was still fast asleep, so I laced up my hiking boots and took myself for a walk along the river. It was still and beautiful and I daydreamed and reflected to my heart's content.

People were awake when I got home, so there was singing in English and Spanish (which Nu is learning and loving at school). Big A was going to use the snowblower to clear the driveway, and I was supposed to be there just for a tutorial, but it looked so much fun, I took over and did the whole driveway. I think I might have "Tom Sawyered" myself. Ha. 

Then Big A and I hiked at The Ledges--new to us, but actually a 300-million-year-old rock formation--where I wanted to stop and take pictures at every turn. By the time we were done I was so pleasantly tired. I could have ended the day there, but we'd planned to have a fancy dinner with the kids (at People's Kitchen), which we did. And then it was back home for my cake (strawberry and jello) and presents (handmade keepsakes, books, books, books, walking sticks, a new phone).

I'm ending the day with gratitude that friends and family have raised $700 for our Refugee Development Center via my birthday fundraiser when I'd merely hoped to raise $300.

know/koans

I'm in awe of how (tiny, determined)

ants carry many times their own weight 

*

of how much snow (seeming ethereal)

can cover with slow, resolute softness

*

overhead, an arrowhead of eager geese soar

they move in a direction I read as tomorrow

*

Pic: Tokens of support along the library bridge, MSU

Note: Pre-birthday walk with Big A in the am; big snowstorm in the pm.

"the time of my life"

I watered the thousand and one plants and spring-prepped my indoor tea garden today: trimming plants, removing dead leaves and debris, repotting, pulling overgrowth, and putting away winter plants like poinsettia and paperwhites. It was very satisfying.

It was also very Parkinson's Law. I caretake the tea garden every week and it usually takes an hour or so. This week though, I'm on midterm break with extra time to spare, and the task took all the time I had. OTOH, I did such a thorough clean that it'll only need touch ups as the teaching weeks get busier in the second half of the semester.

Anyway--afterwards, I made myself some tea and made sure I enjoyed the results of a morning of hard work for at least 15 minutes with Scout and Huck in there. 

Then I had 15 minute-slots for all the rest of the stuff I wanted to do: 15 minutes for yoga, 15 minutes for dinner prep, 15 minutes for a soak, and so on... So it goes. But a mindful 15 minutes can do the trick. Even for exercise apparently--I heard it referred to as "exercise snacks" on the radio. 

Pic: Huck showing up for a closeup with Scout right behind.

turning around

the city still in layers of fears, flowers and tears

considers restoration after destruction

we hang brute, creatures perching 

heavy as bruises in the air

like chalk outlines, my mind falls empty inside

meanwhile--from hard, unforgiving ground

a new, green shoot sticks its tongue out

takes us to March

*

Pic: Scout wondering if he can figure out what my password is.

two weeks...

My first day walking on the MSU campus since... since the mass shooting two weeks ago. Their 'spirit rock' has been turned into an impromptu shrine--flowers and offerings everywhere. 

Two weeks is a long time to forgo the walk along the river I love so much. Instead of telling myself I would be safe, I had to tell myself that really, it's not like any place in the U.S. safe--to make myself go back. 

Sirens still provoke a very visceral response no matter where I happen to be--grocery store, piercing studio, home... I imagine this sort of thing takes a while to heal.

Thankfully, it was an uneventful walk down one of my favorite paths. Big A was joking about us doing this walk when we're into our triple digits. (Yes, I didn't do this by myself, I had significant emotional support.)

Pic: MSU 'spirit rock' now with a tent and seating. 

Oh, all the things I did!

I did all the things for myself today. 

There's really no reason why I shouldn't get my hair trimmed during a teaching week, but somehow I always wait for midterm break to do it. So I got that done today. Also, I got my eyebrow piercing replaced (went from the mandatory-introductory barbell to a simple and unobtrusive silver ring). I cleaned the lime-scaled glass panes in the tea garden and puttered around my plants, worked out for more than 15 minutes for once, took a long, indulgent bath, read without watching the clock... It was all glorious.

And I tidied up my jewelry drawer and rearranged all my rings. I always think I want to be the bohemian 'ring lady' with long, witchy hair; but in reality I only wear one at a time. I do like looking at them though.

I'll have to finish up grading and all that in a few hours, but it was so nice to be so expansive in taking care of myself today. 

Pic: My ring collection (and some random lint).

find out

______________________

Now I dream myself as a tree

my desire amnesiac as winter

yet free as a wind in my veins 

breath now a blur of whispers

shadows revisit, quilt surprises

to deposit at my own bare feet 

_______________________

The sermon today (and all February) at UU was about love. But sadly, I spent at least ten minutes fuming in an unlovely, unloving way because I heard the person sitting behind us say to my 15-year-old Nu (masked and dressed in all-black and a hoodie, as always) that if they had shown up like this three years ago, people would be calling the police and they might have been arrested. I think this person was trying to be funny, but it was a weird thing to say to teenager who was there with their very brown mother. I turned around at the end of the service to offer my perspective with "love and respect," but then realized that the person who'd said that to Nu was very old and very stooped and probably a first-time visitor (no name badge, just the "My name is" sticker) so I ended up not saying anything. 

But WTF.

Anytime people mention hoodies as an indication of menace or wrongdoing, it reminds me of what a big deal people made of it when Trayvon Martin was hunted and murdered. And Twitter just reminded me that today is the 11th anniversary of his death. Now I'm mad all over again.

Pic: Baker Woods in the afternoon sunshine.

song of forgetfulness

the birds who live through winter know 
how it is possible to be lonely 
buried in never ending seams of snow 
their small calls lie unanswered

yet

stoic, they tuck distance under each wing

as if for a soft, shapeless journey 

and seeing them lets me dream of spring

begin remembering the way out

ice, ice, Friday

I have to laugh because everyone at work asked how the drive up was, and to be honest--the iffiest part was our very long driveway. We still have crystal trees and a driveway that could be a skating rink. I thought our high of 46 yesterday would melt everything, but I was wrong. 

I also thought for sure that the falling ice--which was SO loud--would take out our roof and that we might lose power and I was wrong on both those counts... I'm happy to be wrong sometimes. 

Book club (Demon Copperhead) got postponed and an after-work hang with girlfriends got canceled. So I got home from work, dropped off At's new bank card (they lost their wallet last week), and hunkered down for an evening with Nu, Scout, and Huck (and Big A on Portal). I made a fish curry; Nu thought it was a stew: po-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe. Then an impromptu song fest with every Friday-themed song we could think of, including this one.

Pic: The backyard trees are sparkly, heavy, and creaky with ice. So pretty and a bit menacing.

OMG/ChatGPT/Canon in D

I took a trip down memory lane earlier this week when I recalled the first time I heard Pachelbel's "Canon in D". 

Then on a whim I sauntered down AI Alley when I asked ChatGPT to write me a poem based on that incident. ChatGPT obliged with the poem on the left. 

It's quite the doggerel. 

Which is why I don't share the moral panic about students using it to cheat on essays and exams. From everything I've seen, ChatGPT seems to tend towards the bland and the banal. I think I'd be able to tell something was off from the odd combination of impeccable grammar and tediously repetitive sentences.

Famous last words as I head off to grade midterm essays and exams...

snippets

Ice storms today and no school for Nu (no school tomorrow either, as a matter of fact). Luckily, Big A was home so Nu got a nice, lazy day at home without having to schlep it to my work. 

Pic: I'm asleep with Scout and Huck on me. I wonder why I'm so serious in sleep.

A Shift

my bed is the place I remember
things I forgot at my desk

although I can't see in the dark

I can still see darkness 

work is a metropolis of clouds

and softest unknowing

I seek out the eye of the storm

and plan to claw it out  

*

circle of care

In class, I'll sometimes joke that I'm not the late, great Maya (Angelou)--I'm the regular, living Maya, so when I saw this card on the podium in the classroom, I chuckled. 

But the kind words inside about the classroom being a "positive space" where they could "learn and grow"nearly made me cry. 

It has been a tough couple of weeks for all of us in this part of Michigan. The streets and sidewalks are full of election lawn signs repurposed to offer support and bouquets left at impromptu shrines all over the place.  I now know of way too many first degree survivors of the shooting. Classes resumed yesterday at MSU and I'm proud of students for continuing to demonstrate at the capitol and demand common-sense gun reform.

I am sad that second-degree survivors like my students who stayed on the phone with their MSU friends during lockdown or were traumatized by proximity and details have just been expected to show up and carry out their duties as if nothing happened. (I'm mostly guilty of this too. It's difficult to do something substantial without institutional approval.)

In the evening, BSL stopped by on her way from dropping off a care package for SE, and I had a care package for her. Not quite O. Henry "Gift of the Magi" style, but for a moment like this, I think I like the ecology of a continuum of care more than a transactional one-to-one economy. And hugs are among the best thing humans do. 

echoes

They played Pachelbel's "Canon in D" on the radio this morning as I was working and it immediately reminded me of my sweet, kind friend CJ. 

She was the student director of the writing center where I worked for my stipend in my first year in the U.S., and she'd invited me over to dinner. She and her philosopher partner were very into classical music and so I started jabbering about this absolutely magical piece I'd heard earlier that day although I didn't know what it was called. Then I started humming it.

CJ and L listened so seriously and then CJ ID-ed it as Pachelbel's "Canon in D" and helpfully added that it was a baroque piece and very famous and lot of people played it at their weddings and so on. 

I've since been to lots of weddings where they did indeed play "Canon in D" and it's CJ I think of every time. I'm so happy to be in touch with her again even it's mostly from a distance.

Pic: Grandpa R (Big A's dad) visited yesterday and I got a picture of the three generations... with iterations of similar foreheads.

chances

Family dinner yesterday. Lots of discussions and decisions... The most exciting of which is that At, Nu, and I plan to travel to Bangalore in August. Big A can't go because he'll be in a new job, but thinks we shouldn't delay as it may be the last chance for the kids to have a good visit with my parents. That... sounds awful and I disagree (fingers in ears, la-la-la-la-la). But in any case, it made us not even blink at the steep ticket prices.

Also in the throes of writing my CASA report this weekend, and I hate how the world has so few safety nets and will not allow people a decent second chance to bounce back from long-ago mistakes.

Pic: Huckie being cute and charming the older sibs. Chances are Scout is by my chair as usual. 

new trails

After work meetings yesterday, KPB and I walked the Meijer Trail until we couldn't anymore. Lots of fresh snow to stomp through, a brilliant blue sky, and although this was our first hike together--our strides and conversation were perfectly matched up. 

My usual hiking companion L is recovering from an injury and will be leaving for a month starting tomorrow, and my bestie KB (who made the intro to KPB) is too far away now, so I am extra grateful for this connection. 

Pic: The Meijer Trail in Alma; I cannot bring myself to hike the MSU trails just yet.