Yesterday, we had a huge snow storm and Nu had a snow day. I could have made my meetings virtual, but Big A was home, and I wanted to spend some time on campus taking care of things so I headed out. I sweetened the deal for myself by making walking dates with two of my favorite people on campus--we walked in the rec center and yakked away. I got a ton of stuff done without distractions and knowing I had a date with AK after student meetings and one with SS for after committee meetings made things easier.
Nu put their snow day to good use and built a snow person. This person is about 10 inches tall... perspective matters 😛
Pic: Nu's snow person (approx. 10" perched on the picnic table).
Yesterday, while I was at work, Nu at school, and Big was working in the garage... Scout and Huck popped in to say hi to him.
That was SO cute, but they shouldn't have been able to come around the side of the house like that because the side gate is always shut.
Except this time, it wasn't--it had been left ajar.
Our side gate looks like a stable gate, and I'm kinda always secretly hoping that there'll be a surprise pony popping up to say hello as I drive up to the garage some day. Anyway, it's the big, cumbersome gate in the pic... the big, cumbersome side gate that has always been broken as long as we've lived here and needs to be lifted slightly to move it.
Which is to say, the puppies couldn't have opened it. I know Nu and I haven't. The last time we opened that gate was when the roofers were here months ago. Who came by and moved the gate and then left in a hurry without closing it? No one knows.
Actually, I don't even want to know. I just hope they never do it again.
How is it Thursday already? I'm teaching only two classes this semester, but every teaching day feels a bit breathless.
I'm glad I've been learning how to say "no" effectively. I tend to over empathize and overcommit (and then inevitably panic with overload and deadlines) so this is progress. Giving up the Egypt conference was heavy, but I wouldn't have been able to really do justice to that trip at such a busy time of the semester anyway.
Although... I'm happy to be able to say "yes" to things that require mostly money rather than time or energy. And sometimes that lines up perfectly. Having said yes to various girls scouts selling cookies meant I didn't have to make a separate stop for the tea party yesterday as I had five varieties of cookies already sitting in the trunk of my car. 🙂
Pic: From the weekend that was--birthday hike with Big A at The Ledges.
Happy International Women's Day!
Here's a pic from the annual MacCurdy House International Women's Day tea celebration today. I think it's the first one we've had in person since 2019. As always, great conversations and solid community building.
(Yes, I know it's Holi today too, but I got home so late from work... the plan is to celebrate it on Saturday when more of the family is home anyway.)
Today was the first teaching day after break and there was a headlong quality about it. I kept remembering things I didn't get to tell students... like how much I enjoyed reading their midterms. (And also: damn, I write good exams.)
The poet Shonda Buchanan visited my classes today, and it was inspiring to see her work the room. A student who is usually quiet in the literary theory classroom was absolutely animated discussing her poetry. I loved seeing that.
I'm headed to bed in a minute and I'm just feeling so much joy at the thought that I can lie in bed and gaze upon the full moon until I fall asleep. There's something primitive (?) in me that rejoices in the sky--the night sky especially.
I saw the moon this morning when Scout, Huck, and I walked Nu to the bus stop too. Just on the basis of these sightings, I'm counting today a success.
Pic: Full moon and sunrise blush this morning.
My parents, sister, uncles, aunts, and cousins wished me early (at a time when it's still the same day both here and in India). Then 7:00 am came around and I was presented with brilliant blue skies and about 6-8 inches of fresh snow. The rest of my little family was still fast asleep, so I laced up my hiking boots and took myself for a walk along the river. It was still and beautiful and I daydreamed and reflected to my heart's content.
People were awake when I got home, so there was singing in English and Spanish (which Nu is learning and loving at school). Big A was going to use the snowblower to clear the driveway, and I was supposed to be there just for a tutorial, but it looked so much fun, I took over and did the whole driveway. I think I might have "Tom Sawyered" myself. Ha.
Then Big A and I hiked at The Ledges--new to us, but actually a 300-million-year-old rock formation--where I wanted to stop and take pictures at every turn. By the time we were done I was so pleasantly tired. I could have ended the day there, but we'd planned to have a fancy dinner with the kids (at People's Kitchen), which we did. And then it was back home for my cake (strawberry and jello) and presents (handmade keepsakes, books, books, books, walking sticks, a new phone).
I'm ending the day with gratitude that friends and family have raised $700 for our Refugee Development Center via my birthday fundraiser when I'd merely hoped to raise $300.
It was also very Parkinson's Law. I caretake the tea garden every week and it usually takes an hour or so. This week though, I'm on midterm break with extra time to spare, and the task took all the time I had. OTOH, I did such a thorough clean that it'll only need touch ups as the teaching weeks get busier in the second half of the semester.
Anyway--afterwards, I made myself some tea and made sure I enjoyed the results of a morning of hard work for at least 15 minutes with Scout and Huck in there.
Then I had 15 minute-slots for all the rest of the stuff I wanted to do: 15 minutes for yoga, 15 minutes for dinner prep, 15 minutes for a soak, and so on... So it goes. But a mindful 15 minutes can do the trick. Even for exercise apparently--I heard it referred to as "exercise snacks" on the radio.
Pic: Huck showing up for a closeup with Scout right behind.
My first day walking on the MSU campus since... since the mass shooting two weeks ago. Their 'spirit rock' has been turned into an impromptu shrine--flowers and offerings everywhere.
Two weeks is a long time to forgo the walk along the river I love so much. Instead of telling myself I would be safe, I had to tell myself that really, it's not like any place in the U.S. safe--to make myself go back.
Sirens still provoke a very visceral response no matter where I happen to be--grocery store, piercing studio, home... I imagine this sort of thing takes a while to heal.
Thankfully, it was an uneventful walk down one of my favorite paths. Big A was joking about us doing this walk when we're into our triple digits. (Yes, I didn't do this by myself, I had significant emotional support.)
Pic: MSU 'spirit rock' now with a tent and seating.
And I tidied up my jewelry drawer and rearranged all my rings. I always think I want to be the bohemian 'ring lady' with long, witchy hair; but in reality I only wear one at a time. I do like looking at them though.
I'll have to finish up grading and all that in a few hours, but it was so nice to be so expansive in taking care of myself today.
Pic: My ring collection (and some random lint).
The sermon today (and all February) at UU was about love. But sadly, I spent at least ten minutes fuming in an unlovely, unloving way because I heard the person sitting behind us say to my 15-year-old Nu (masked and dressed in all-black and a hoodie, as always) that if they had shown up like this three years ago, people would be calling the police and they might have been arrested. I think this person was trying to be funny, but it was a weird thing to say to teenager who was there with their very brown mother. I turned around at the end of the service to offer my perspective with "love and respect," but then realized that the person who'd said that to Nu was very old and very stooped and probably a first-time visitor (no name badge, just the "My name is" sticker) so I ended up not saying anything.
But WTF.
Anytime people mention hoodies as an indication of menace or wrongdoing, it reminds me of what a big deal people made of it when Trayvon Martin was hunted and murdered. And Twitter just reminded me that today is the 11th anniversary of his death. Now I'm mad all over again.
Pic: Baker Woods in the afternoon sunshine.
I also thought for sure that the falling ice--which was SO loud--would take out our roof and that we might lose power and I was wrong on both those counts... I'm happy to be wrong sometimes.
Book club (Demon Copperhead) got postponed and an after-work hang with girlfriends got canceled. So I got home from work, dropped off At's new bank card (they lost their wallet last week), and hunkered down for an evening with Nu, Scout, and Huck (and Big A on Portal). I made a fish curry; Nu thought it was a stew: po-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe. Then an impromptu song fest with every Friday-themed song we could think of, including this one.
Pic: The backyard trees are sparkly, heavy, and creaky with ice. So pretty and a bit menacing.
I took a trip down memory lane earlier this week when I recalled the first time I heard Pachelbel's "Canon in D".
Then on a whim I sauntered down AI Alley when I asked ChatGPT to write me a poem based on that incident. ChatGPT obliged with the poem on the left.
It's quite the doggerel.
Which is why I don't share the moral panic about students using it to cheat on essays and exams. From everything I've seen, ChatGPT seems to tend towards the bland and the banal. I think I'd be able to tell something was off from the odd combination of impeccable grammar and tediously repetitive sentences.
Famous last words as I head off to grade midterm essays and exams...
But the kind words inside about the classroom being a "positive space" where they could "learn and grow"nearly made me cry.
It has been a tough couple of weeks for all of us in this part of Michigan. The streets and sidewalks are full of election lawn signs repurposed to offer support and bouquets left at impromptu shrines all over the place. I now know of way too many first degree survivors of the shooting. Classes resumed yesterday at MSU and I'm proud of students for continuing to demonstrate at the capitol and demand common-sense gun reform.
I am sad that second-degree survivors like my students who stayed on the phone with their MSU friends during lockdown or were traumatized by proximity and details have just been expected to show up and carry out their duties as if nothing happened. (I'm mostly guilty of this too. It's difficult to do something substantial without institutional approval.)
In the evening, BSL stopped by on her way from dropping off a care package for SE, and I had a care package for her. Not quite O. Henry "Gift of the Magi" style, but for a moment like this, I think I like the ecology of a continuum of care more than a transactional one-to-one economy. And hugs are among the best thing humans do.
She was the student director of the writing center where I worked for my stipend in my first year in the U.S., and she'd invited me over to dinner. She and her philosopher partner were very into classical music and so I started jabbering about this absolutely magical piece I'd heard earlier that day although I didn't know what it was called. Then I started humming it.
CJ and L listened so seriously and then CJ ID-ed it as Pachelbel's "Canon in D" and helpfully added that it was a baroque piece and very famous and lot of people played it at their weddings and so on.
I've since been to lots of weddings where they did indeed play "Canon in D" and it's CJ I think of every time. I'm so happy to be in touch with her again even it's mostly from a distance.
Pic: Grandpa R (Big A's dad) visited yesterday and I got a picture of the three generations... with iterations of similar foreheads.
Family dinner yesterday. Lots of discussions and decisions... The most exciting of which is that At, Nu, and I plan to travel to Bangalore in August. Big A can't go because he'll be in a new job, but thinks we shouldn't delay as it may be the last chance for the kids to have a good visit with my parents. That... sounds awful and I disagree (fingers in ears, la-la-la-la-la). But in any case, it made us not even blink at the steep ticket prices.
Also in the throes of writing my CASA report this weekend, and I hate how the world has so few safety nets and will not allow people a decent second chance to bounce back from long-ago mistakes.
Pic: Huckie being cute and charming the older sibs. Chances are Scout is by my chair as usual.
My usual hiking companion L is recovering from an injury and will be leaving for a month starting tomorrow, and my bestie KB (who made the intro to KPB) is too far away now, so I am extra grateful for this connection.
Pic: The Meijer Trail in Alma; I cannot bring myself to hike the MSU trails just yet.
44th day of the year = 67th mass shooting of the year330 million people : 393.3 million guns50,000 students on campus now - 8It's like one of those rubbishmath problems and anywayI'm so rubbish at mathmy only math quoteis from the movieMean Girls:
and what little I know cannot begin to explainthe things you kind of know and cannot saythis rapping against rumor and fearin class I lectured on literary theoryparenthetically on New Criticismthose old formalists proclaimingpoems are self-containedand self-referentialthey should notmean, butjust beas
in the morning after, those of us who've survivedcan hear the FBI and several State Policewho are are live on the radio askingin a carnival of indecision why--why did he do it, what made himwant to shoot up campusit seems a bit obliviousI want to tell themwhat I learnedto yell
what little I know cannot begin to explainthere's no math or meaning making herethe author's intention doesn't matterthe limit does not existthe author's intentiondoesn't matterthe limitdoes notexist
Michigan currently has a governor and a legislature that is democratic and has introduced state bills 76-86 for gun reform. Some of these may have stopped the shooter before lives were lost.
Fear--> Anger--> Resolve-->
Time to call my representatives about SB 76-86.
Pic: via Twitter.
I don't think I feel normal... I feel kind of numb... sad... strange...
I heard on the news that there have been 67 mass shootings in the U.S. (where else?!) just since the start of 2023--a mere 45 days ago. I don't know what it'll take to disrupt this awful pattern.
Haven't slept in the last 24 hours (like not even my usual 4-5 hours) but didn't want to cancel classes because I had canceled classes just last week after the active shooter hoax at Nu's school. I ended up taking (having to take) Nu to work with me because their school was canceled.
Classes were a bit somber because so many students had high school friends or cousins who go to MSU, but we made it through with the help of V-Day candy I'd stocked up on--in both classes students brought me candy too... that made me smile. Also, making me smile (quizzically), students framing their thoughts with "I was listening to the police scanner yesterday and..." Is this something people do now?
Attended an online prayer-vigil meeting for the students who were shot this evening. May make it to the anti-gun-violence rally at the capitol tomorrow.
Pic: MSU spirit rock with the message "How Many More?" Photo by Colin Jackson, NPR reporter.
Helicopters are hovering, sirens are blaring, I've locked the doors, set the alarms, turned off the lights, and am trying to keep Scout and Huck calm. Nu is, thankfully, safe in bed and fast asleep.
I'm learning that a lot of my friends listen to the police scanner. Friends in class and at meetings have had to shelter in place for hours (it's now past midnight). And I guess this is now national news as friends are texting from Texas and Minneapolis and DC and so on. The shooting started at Berkey Hall (where I used to teach) and the latest shots were heard at Hubbard Hall (across the street from us).
Actually though, I'm not feeling particularly scared. I dozed for a while and woke up a bit worried that I might feel sorry if the shooter showed up at our place since everyone is after them... This is uncool as there are people dead... but I guess I imagine that people who do this are not ok themselves...
Pic: I tried to take a picture of the moon this morning when Huck, Scout and I walked with Nu to the school bus stop, but Scout was jerking me around as usual and I ended up with this sequence of cool blurs. That tall blur is Hubbard Hall, where law enforcement is concentrated right now.
Earlier this week, I was invited to say a few words about love at today's UU sermon. I started with one of my favorite writers--the late, great June Jordan who wrote at the intersections of feminism and anti-racism and her statement that "none of us have known enough tenderness." How right she sounds--and how I want to do everything to change that.
I teach, so I'm no longer afraid of public speaking, but my heart rate certainly galloped when I climbed up to the stage and saw all the rows of semi-familiar faces. Nu was such a great support and hype-person all morning.
Pic: Superbowl? More like super foods bowl. Haha. Nu and I were so charmed that that tomato is so Valentine-themed. It reminded me of my long-ago peace tomato.
Today, I left the fam after Nu's Boss Day Sushi dinner to do drinks and a movie with girlfriends... I don't think I've done that since early 2020. I had dessert instead of a drink as I'd been working since 5 am and thought I might fall asleep if I had a drink. Guess what? I fell asleep anyway--it's difficult not to in those super comfy reclining seats. But that's ok. Being silly and chatty and loud was the point anyway--all that I got to do.
Pic: Huck, Scout, Big A, At, and Nu in the rumpus room when I said goodbye to them.
This is not the kind of writing I enjoy...
And I'm freaking out a bit with how much more there is to do and all the deadlines that are creeping up.
One deadline I'll need to fulfill this weekend is to write letters of recommendation for three wonderful students whom I'd nominated for an award... the same award. They all deserve to win it. I wish we had more awards to hand out instead of making all of them compete for one. (It would make my job much easier too.)
Kareem Abdul Jabbar's generous vision is what I want. In "What I think About LeBron Breaking my NBA Scoring Record, Jabbar says: "In the months leading up to LeBron breaking my record, so much was written about how I would feel on the day he sank that record-breaking shot that I had to laugh. I’d already written several times stating exactly how I felt so there really wasn’t much to speculate about. It’s as if I won a billion dollars in a lottery and 39 years later someone won two billion dollars. How would I feel? Grateful that I won and happy that the next person also won. His winning in no way affects my winning."
Pic: View from the Bogue St. Bridge with Big A.
But there were no scary phone calls... no panic... no being terrified in the moment and traumatized repeatedly after...
I could get used to this.
Pic: Nu's pots de crème (in repurposed Mentos gum containers).
Nu had just raised their hand to answer a question in Spanish class; I'd just landed in my office and poured myself my first cup of tea. And then both of us got the news that Nu's school was on lockdown due to an active shooter.
I've lived in fear of this since Sandy Hook, but there's no preparing for this kind of call from the school. Thankfully, it turned out to be a hoax. And everyone's okay.
But as I canceled my classes via email and sped to the church where families were supposed to pick up their kids, I kept thinking of this morning when we'd run a little late and Nu had to sprint to make the it on to the school bus... I kept wondering if I'd spend the rest of my life wishing they hadn't made it on to the school bus.
I guess there's always a low-key anticipation of this happening if you live in the U.S. I remember not sending the kids back to school until well into the new year after Sandy Hook, although I didn't seem too bothered by a gun incident in a neighboring school district last month. The other time I had to pick up the kids due to a gun threat was when they were at ecocamp together.
This is a messed up way to live. I couldn't bear to be apart from Nu for the rest of the day after I picked them up... and I got absolutely no work done... Tomorrow, I'll make up for it tomorrow.
Pic: Students gathered in the football field from a news article.
After I dropped Big A off at the train station and my precious Bluey car off at the dealership for battery updates, L picked me up and we headed to Ted Black Woods for a hike. It was beautiful but super icy, so I was glad L had brought trekking poles for us to use... they saved me from wiping out so many times and made me feel like an all-weather champ. I'm wondering if I should put trekking poles on my otherwise empty birthday list...
I was back by 10:30 to hold meetings and work online for the day, so I got some stuff done. But I did spend nearly two hours stressing that the courtesy shuttle wouldn't pick me up in time for me to pick up Nu and then panicking when it didn't, so there was wasted time. The driver who finally picked me up in the nick of time was third-generation Lebanese and I enjoyed our talk about diasporas. (I asked him about the audio book he'd turned off when I got in--books are such a passport to conversation!)
Back home things fell into dinner, kid time, and class prep mode, but it still feels like an atypical Monday and a bit unsettling. It's not helping that I can't stop humming Young the Giant's "The Walk Home" with its lonely heartbreak and its messy homage to the wind telephone.
Pic: L's sneak pic of me using her poles at Ted Black Woods.
_______________________
Pic: Baker Woods with Big A.
Big A started doing the budget and has been very gloom and doom, but nothing will bring me down. Financially speaking, we were not where we're expected to be before, and we won't be there now... or for a long time--but those precise details won't really impinge on our daily life and happiness.
Pic: Scout and Huck super excited to see Nu off at the school bus stop. I feel like this too (about the move back to MI, not the school bus).
Then... I acted on my impulse (and the lovely Nicole's encouragement) and auditioned for Sistrum, the Lansing Women's Chorus today. I'm in! (I think they take everyone who wants to sing 🙂.)
And then... Big A signed the contract with a Michigan-based hospital! It'll take him until the next academic year (July) to transition out of Medical College of Wisconsin, but he'll be back at home full-time after that! Huge pay-cut and all, I'm so ready for this!
Pic: Sunrise through our only eastern window.
another day rolls over into tomorrow I wake, roll over in bed reach for my phone wondering if ...
