this day doesn't have to mean anything about the year to come...

I'm reminding myself that nothing about today magically repeats 364 times. 

On the surface, lots of sweet things about today: a long hike with Big A, another hike by myself, a long chat with my baby sis, a small hangout with LB and TB, a long bubbly soak with Big A, a sweet treat delivered by L, dinner with the fam, a travel board game after dinner, and puppy + human cuddles throughout. 

But... I had also wanted to fit in some yoga, which didn't happen and I never even made it to the month-long online "Binders" writing workshop that started today. It was as though the unrelenting greyness of the cloudy day we had here seeped into everything I enjoy.

Also, I'm still in my reread of Anna Karenina and (a) I want to be done and reading something else especially since... (b) the love affair has dwindled into depressing territory and... (c) I still glaze over when Levin goes on about cooperative farming (sorry about that to the socialists in my life). 

Finally, I got a rejection on something I'd submitted via Submittable. I was sad for a while, then I just went ahead and submitted to two other places. I do hope I can keep that kind of obstinate energy going all year long. 

Pic: Playing "Around the World." Quite challenging! Nu won this evening's game. I better go commit some flags to memory before we play again. 

Farewell, 2022

A good last day with two long walks with LB and BSL to round off the year. 

A raucous dinner time with Scout and Huck underfoot, and Nu, At, and Big A at the counter for parathas--the person waiting for me to finish the next paratha were in charge of running a round of Truth or Dare. Some calls to grandparents, the traditional new year presents (calendars and something inspiring), a few eps of Joe Pera... and then At was off to a show with friends, Nu was on with friends online, and I joined PM's write-in for the new year on Slack (where I started and abandoned a poem based on PM's prompt). 

And then, as Big A, Scout and Huck napped inches away from me, it was 2023. 

then there were three; bookclubs for two; one day to 2023

A puppy playdate for Scout and Huck with Henry was the most exciting part of today. They were doing some electrical work at JL's so she hung out here and we got caught up. (Unlooked for excitement was when little Henry thought it would be ok to pee in my tea garden. He immediately stopped midstream when JL shouted "no." I was kinda impressed with his level of control, TBH 🤣.) 

I've been gifting some friends a bookclub-for-two: I'll get both of us copies of the same book so we can read and discuss together. It feels like an experience or together time gift, and the "thing" part of it is still books, so it's not wasteful (they can be passed on or pulped or whatever). Anyway--I did that with Emma Kline for JG and Shilpa Gowda with JL. We plan to start this one in Jan.

The rest of the day was all course prep, writing work, a couple of quick meetings, getting more letters of recommendation in. Then sushi with Big A and Nu.

Almost can't believe it is the weekend, month's end, end of the year already... 

sunrise sonnet

I can taste the new year in this new day

pulling me awake with its splash of light

my voice and sight fused with throbbing,

thoughts buckling, shaking free answers

and origins, shouting hellos back to life

sometimes with "?" sometimes with "!"

because who the heck knows certainty 

I feel carried like the five-year-old who 

fell asleep just before the final turn home

the steady hand on my back unnecessary

except to comfort me, a kiss in my hair

tells me I'm not a burden, but a delight...

carry me even if I think I'm conning you 

carry me for a while / to feigned eternity 

--------------------------------------------------

Pic: Sunrise on waking (through the landing window). The snow had all melted by the end of the day--it was close to 50 degrees here today!

finish soft not strong

the year will grow dark 

like a lovers' room 

a beautiful failure 

of sleep

be tender and selfish: watch 

wants freeze and fall...

away like fugitive 

icicles

but come, don't let me forget 

how this week's thaw--like

last week's freeze--is sure

to return

Pic: Mallards on The Red Cedar.

merrier and brighter

It was a little brighter and a little bit warmer today. We're all still in "no work" mode. This week is when we'd usually head to Yellow Springs for our "second Christmas," but MIL is still recovering from Covid this year. 

In the meantime, it's deliciously lazy and indulgent over here. As Lansing Facts (our city's parody account) tweeted: "We're working hard with the help of the top science faculty at MSU to determine What Day It Is"

Pic: Scout and Huck (still in their Christmas sweaters) in the snow.

coming down

Yesterday was lovely. And somehow everyone said it was the best Christmas ever. Yay! 

I'm taking today off. We're still snowbound and we have yummy leftovers and new books and cozy jammies and need for nothing else right now.

(Apart from the usual holiday management, driving duties on our ice-rink roads enervated me: I was on call to give L&T a ride from the Michigan Flyer at 10:30-11:00 pm last night and took At to work at 6:00 am today.)

Pic: The kids watching Laal Singh Chaddha (loosely based on Forrest Gump) with me yesterday.

Cheer!

Christmas is here!

'twas the night before...

Happy. 

Prepped food for Christmas (the pudding for brunch and the biriyani for dinner), tidied, watered the thousand plants, found ribbons for remaining presents, etc. 

Then candlelight carols with Nu at UU. Very sparsely-attended today because of the weather and bad roads. It didn't occur to me until we were already there (having white-knuckled and slid a lot of the way) that we could have Zoomed in. D'oh.  So many people, including our Rev., have had their holiday travel plans dashed because of the snow and winds. 

I'm piecing my family together--we picked up At on the way home. Everyone got the version of grilled cheese they wanted and then there were spirited discussions of Disco Elysium and then a watch of The Glass Onion. 

It's a good thing I got my "movie nap" in. After our traditional Christmas Eve presents of pajamas and books, At stayed up talking--head/feet in my lap--until nearly 4 am. I miss this child so much. The book At's leafing through in the picture is the present I'm proudest of... It's a copy of Abolition. Feminism. Now. signed by all four authors!

We'll sleep in tomorrow, since Christmas proper will start whenever Santa Big A gets in from his night E.R. shift...

Ready?

 

Ha. This Venn diagram. I did all the things yesterday and that included being in what the image terms "the depths of meijer hell" (Meijer is our supermarket chain). I got home feeling accomplished and stocked up and ready for the storms and also the celebrations; just praying that the electricity would stay on and that there would be no emergencies that would require me to leave the house or drive. 

Since yesterday, I've learned that there was a fire at a nearby apartment complex and over thirty families were displaced. And then someone else posted that their boyfriend had ridden the bus to a warming center the city was supposed to open, but it wasn't open. And an old person died--curled up in a parking lot. All this is so messed up. Certainly not what I wanted to be thinking about... but it's so cold and so close by, avoiding it would be additional cruelty. We've already done a little less for ourselves and a little more for others this year, but I had to find ways to dig a little deeper today. 

Oh, the snow did come down and it was beautiful. I must remember to take pictures tomorrow.

altar for all

I came away with some unlooked for presents this morning. Not just the satisfaction of checking things off ahead of the storm, but kind things. When I went to check in on my CASA kids, their grandmom snuck me a tray of homemade treats to take home. The college bookstore bag a colleague/sister/friend pressed into my arms revealed a beautiful painting of an archway in Fez--it went on my altar right away. 

Things are getting crowded on my altar: what with a Hindu mandir (birth religion), a menorah (from Big A's father's side), a nativity (my catholic school upbringing), a Tibetan singing bowl (MIL), finger cymbals (bhajan group), and various pride-themed bead (Nu) and union-themed button (At) crafts from my kids...

And I love it; there's room for more! 

happy at the solstice

Nu and I went to the solstice festival this evening: merrymaking, noise-making, meditating... my hair smells like smoke and my heart is grateful for the promise of extra daylight tomorrow.

“...This is the solstice, the still point
of the sun, its cusp and midnight,
the year’s threshold
and unlocking, where the past
lets go of and becomes the future;
the place of caught breath, the door
of a vanished house left ajar...”
 Margaret Atwood, Eating Fire: Selected Poetry 1965-1995

missing, musing

Dinner pics from this Saturday make me miss Big A (dropped him off at the train station this morning) and At (back at his place). I also miss Nu looking so happy and animated hanging out with At and Big A's pizza skills (my spinach, goat cheese, and egg pie is always superb).

Bad news from both grandmoms today. MIL has Covid--it seems mild and she still wants us to visit post-Christmas as usual, but we'll have to wait and see. My mom has a lump/cyst on her knee and cannot walk for pain. On the phone, I could tell she was in tears from the pain--I nearly cried too.

We stocked up on essentials this morning in case we're snowbound because of the storm headed our way. I have some remaining errands and we'll for sure need fresh ingredients for Christmas dinner, but no point worrying. I'll cross that bridge when we get there.
 

at a stand still

after all these years 

I'll still write you poetry

you'll still bring me flowers

after all these years 

you'll will me to learn how to

pop open the hood of our car 

refill the reservoir with cleaner 

in all these years

I had not done this for myself

trusting you to be continuous

as a stream, as the sun, without end

until the years sloped into forever

but I can understand too 

because of all our years 

how you'll will me to be safe

so I can wait clunky as hope 

while you are gone and still

be here when you return 

for many more years

--------------

Pic: The Red Cedar River in the falling snow.

laid back

Pictured: Big A took himself and Nu off to go eat wings and watch the world cup finals.

Not pictured: Me finishing up our Christmas dec, running five miles, and then soaking to my heart's content and reading Anna Karenina in peace.

Dinner was leftovers.
 

nonstop, won't stop

My younger ones (Nu + Huck) are a riotous blur; the older ones (At + Scout) are steady saints.

Also: Our Christmas tree is up! 

(It's late, right? It feels like we're late, but I think this is usually when we manage to get it done. The timeline suggests I start fretting the day after Thanksgiving that we're leaving it too late--after a couple of weeks of this, my family'll take pity on me and come through.)

it takes a village...

Dinner at home for some Humphrey Fellows who are working out of MSU this evening. 

HY joked that he'd experienced two things for the first time in his life: (1) building a gingerbread house (2) seeing dogs get fed with a spoon. (#2 is me. I feed Scout and Huck under the table--with a separate spoon--because it makes them happy to be with their pack at dinnertime.) 

I had to charm Nu and Big A--who tend to be less social than At and me--into stepping up as hosts. But as always all the complaints are pre-guests; after guests are actually here, my loves are generous and delightful. My winning argument today was for them to think how kind everyone was to me when I was an international student. 

It was lovely learning a bit about families and hopes and careers in different parts of the world.

Pic: A gingerbread village under construction.

long + dull

It's not the temperatures I mind at all. The lack of sunshine might kill me though. I'm looking forward to the solstice so I can feel the edges of daylight lengthening its way into Spring soon. 

I've been awake for 24+ hours now... I woke up from a post wrapping party "nap" at 11 last night and have just stayed up finishing up the gift sorting and wrapping and "evening out" family presents so everyone gets the same number of  "presents" (five--down from eight last year). The presents are themed, so I can just move things around until it looks like everyone gets the same number of packages although the actual item count may vary. My kids won't care if one of them seems to get more, but this such an ingrained habit now. 

Drove in to work today and puttered around doing homey stuff--took some Christmas treats to my favorite offices on campus, watered my plants, cleaned my office, swept, dusted, tidied. Decluttered my desk and swapped out some table lamps. A colleague needs stuff for their new home, so it gave me some incentive to be ruthless about anything I'm not actively using. Finally got to straighten that one picture that hung crooked and drove me crazy. It wasn't in "my" bay, but the neighboring modern languages bay, which usually always has people in it--so I'd held off until today. Created a chatty nook just outside the English Bay by pulling together abandoned furniture in the hallway--it's a very nice focal point as one comes up by the east staircase now. Tidied up the English Bay sitting area, retired the old periodicals and copies of the college newspaper and arts journal, and rearranged student informational material. I've been told a couple of times that I should let housekeeping or student interns do this stuff rather than do it myself, so it felt good to do all the things without making people uncomfortable. I was such a good little elf. When people come back things will seem neater and nicer even if they can't put their finger on it. 

I got home to everyone (Big A, Scout, Huckie, and Nu) napping. I listened to old Tamil film music as I made us a gingery soup and cheesy corn muffins (jalapeños on top for the grownups) for dinner. I was happy to see Nu eat. He's been home sick for a couple of days: negative for Covid, but the poor baby had a fever and was miserable. He was finally well enough to go back drag himself to school today though. Winter break starts tomorrow, so thankfully, there'll be additional time to relax and recover more fully. 

Pic: A week's worth of cloudy days in the forecast. As dull as today's post!

just a little

This could be a fawn or a faun or fennec fox, but is--in fact--a tiny little doggo named Taco.

Gift wrapping party at DV's tonight, and I barely got any actual work done what with the marveling over Taco and nerding out on book recommendations from LD and KBJ. 

LD used to host a pre-pandemic book club and KBJ is the librarian at Nu's HS, so my wishlists are full. 

My heart is full tonight too.

in the plot to continue

here I am safe, fattening on whatever I can find 
remembering what it used be like out there 
the hunger spreading like an empty field 

where I kept making the same skeletal mistake 

over and over like the single kernel from 

which whole fields once generated 

greater than any winter ripening is the beauty

of appetite, my favorite part of the future 

formidable as seeds springing up 

Pic: A plump red cardinal; MSU Riverwalk with Big A.

some yays...

Grades are in ! (Early!)

Dinner with BSL and EM!

LOVING Anna Karenina!

I get to pick up Big A  from the train station tonight!

I can finally watch the season finale of White Lotus!

Pic: Lots of extra pets for Scout and Huck from EM.

a quiet sort of mutiny

sentinel these stands

disarming in triumph
serene argent sibilance
calling out only to me 
in impatience but also
in conscience, I know--

I write to no one I know 
not to expect a response
I know "no" is in itself
a sentence--all I can do 
is marvel, I can't explain 
no--I 'm already letting go  
------------------------------------

Pic: Baker Woods in the snow. 

grey skies, glassy river

At's coworkers S and H, who had worked until 11 pm, came over after their shift to strategize for their first bargaining meeting on Monday. For fuel, I made them tea to go with the iced cookies we had. They worked until nearly 2:00 am--their quiet murmurs punctuated by shouts of laughter. How hard and joyously these young people work! 💗

At and I were up again around 6:00 am to make breakfast tacos. Then I dropped At off at the bus for Detroit where they're meeting up with friends to go see Connor O'Malley. Back home, Nu took today to "decompress." 

I did too. I took a long ramble by myself, started rereading Anna Karenina, did yoga with Big A (tech-y: via Portal and a Mirror lesson and doggy with guest appearances by Scout and Huck on my camera), soaked, snacked, made a sweet-potato-apple-"sausage"-spinach soup for dinner. Then on to student meetings and grading.

Let me be weird: At got home late last night after Nu had already gone to bed, so I thought Nu would want some At time at breakfast, but Nu decided for a Saturday sleep-in instead. Fair. Also, At was in a hurry this morning and didn't say goodbye to Nu. Understandable. The thing is... ever since I read Cheryl Strayed's Wild, where the siblings become estranged after their mom dies, I've been hit by the fear that my kids will lose touch with each other as grownups if I'm not around. 

How's that for a nice morbid thought? Ok... back to grading.

Pic: Grey skies and a glassy Red Cedar River; I love the curving tree in the foreground.

on an internet kind of day

I can go incandescent 

                                       waiting, for you--

are lunatic with longing 

doing wondrous things--

                                        and where we are

there is time for refuge 

use your words, as they say

                                         call out to me--either

I didn't catch your name

or I forgot how to say it 

                                          in English

you laugh in confusion 

tell me how you found

                                           a way--without 

saying where it might be

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to Mel at Stirrup Queens for the shoutout on her 922nd Friday Blog Roundup. As always, when I get a shoutout from Mel, it coincides with other good publication news--this time the editorial go-ahead on a WGS-related book project.

as for myself

I've sunk narcissus bulbs

into dark, stony places 

                                                 pushing them down into dirt

                                                 hoping they'll rise...

my random presents to myself

mirroring blessing

                                                  as the weeks arrive, curving

                                                  into Christmas

I yearn for their spiky baroque

their green resilience

                                                  to lift color into the cold air

                                                  rustling me to worship 

for a fragrance--so like flames  

to rescue me from winter

a "class" picture

My capstone students did such great work on their finals this week. 

I look forward to all the conference presentations that are going to evolve out of their work here over the next few months...
 

Hope as a draft

EM to dinner tonight, and I finally got to give her the "Hope is a form of planning" journal I got at the NWSA book fair (EM and I are working on the idea of hope in the classroom). Also just realized from research googling that it's a quote from Gloria Steinem.

I have a lot of stuff about hope saved in an email draft--everyone from Mariame Kaba to Audre Lorde is on it. And also this solid article of how to deal with "hope fatigue" by Lesley Alderman.

It's nice to read this draft as it never fails to cheer me up. 

(I suppose that's a good thing as I'm feeling a bit shaky currently. I teared up when I dropped Big A off at the train station and then cried in the car on hearing this fairly standard radio story because they talked about the 25th anniversary of Purple Rain. Something is going on with me, and I'm not sure what it is yet. Yes, I wish Prince were still in this world, but surely, it wasn't just that?) 

Pic: Book Club over the weekend. Being with them gives me hope. 

from a distance

hope is heavy
her mouth is pulled out of shape 
with worry

          she thinks
          bruises are the sharp edge of love  
          in skin's own ink

but in the water

she floats, weighs nothing at all

it anchors her 

          to meaning

          she can break down in answers

          then drink it in 

simply

A cold day, but beautiful. 

Walks with some of my favorite people: L, Big A,  me...

Pic: An icy Red Cedar River

uff... life

Life is always bewildering and some days are just a big punch... even from a distance. 

Yesterday, YS friends were cheerfully posting links to Steven Bognar's documentary about Jazz DJ Steve Schwerner.*

By the end of the day, my feed was filled with news that Julia Reichert, Steven Bognar's partner, had passed away. 

I was lying awake sometime after 3 am thinking about Steve Bognar and how up and down and all around life is.... And then I started thinking about Steve Schwerner. And how his rich and meaningful life is always overshadowed by the immense sacrifice of his brother Michael's life and death. 

-----------------

*The documentary begins in our old Yellow Springs house, which we lived in after the Schwerners, and it was interesting to peek at a time before we lived there.

wildest dreams: Taylor, Judy, Betty, Nu

Nu had to come to Alma with me to see the dentist, so there was a lot of Taylor Swift on our commute. I really wish I could have scored some Taylor Swift concert tickets as a Christmas present for Nu, but the online lines were interminable and the price was prohibitive--more expensive than any present I've ever bought anyone, probably. After a point, I just gave up.

But one of Nu's other dreams came true today--he was able to spend some time with Judy and Betty--MB's brindled mice. Nu has always loved mice--until today only in theory and as stuffed animals--and was amazingly gentle and confident playing with them. Judy and Betty--named for the sisters in White Christmas will retire from their work as lures for the kestrels MB is banding--so their job is to act cute and tasty--at the end of Jan. At which point, MB would like to offer them to Nu as a present.  It'll be an uphill battle convincing Big A, but Nu and I together can be pretty formidable. (I'm terrified and ick-ed by mice, frankly; but Nu enjoys them so much.)

Pic: Nu with Judy.

imagine: rice, flour, oil, sugar, and beans

I post some version of this reminder that food banks benefit most from cash donations every year. This is as much for me as for people I know. It's always tempting to add extra peanut butter-beans-cereal to my grocery cart to feed my "larger family."  It's always satisfying to imagine that some other children (and I always imagined they were children) would be able to make a snack out of things I'd picked up. And of course when the kids were younger, it was a tangible way to teach caring. But giving to food banks is not supposed to be about how it makes me feel. 

So I've been good about cash contributions. 

But when The Refugee Development Center in town started taking up in-kind donations for Welcome Boxes, I signed right up to bring rice, flour, oil, sugar, and beans. If I were displaced and in a new place, I imagine I could make something my family might recognize from those supplies. I would want to.

There is a passage in Robert J.C. Young* that always resonates with students--where we're asked to imagine ourselves as refugees, to imagine the break in the daily routines of living... like discussing the day's menu with a neighbor. I think about that passage often. 

Anyway, Nu and I dropped off lots of supplies this evening. I could have easily done it before I picked Nu up from their remedial (whole other story!) class at school. But I kind of liked the idea of doing something together that would get Nu out of their own thoughts and social loops for a while.

* Also, that book is the ONLY time ever where I'm listed right next to Homi Bhabha (in the "Acknowledgements").

storyteller

I wake wanting to be

inside the side 
you are on                  to step outside my body 

                                   threading through

                                   discarded stories                your departures guiding me

                                                                               through volcanic swirls

                                                                               so swaha / shanti

                                    I'm ready to swallow fire 
                                    unwrap smoke shapes
                                    hold revelation

when you nod, mouth "now"

I'll know how right away

to rehearse my life 

long way home

the poem is like a conscience

the poem could be a boner 

            like a sun moving in raindrops 

            its rainbow fires everywhere

but the halves of a lonely day

will just not come out equal

            you know, I know... I'm trying

             to walk us all the way back

but you pirouette like a planet

pledge I'm a continent adrift

dear diary,

Messy, turbulent reentry into the work week today = not a single photo taken. I'm trying hard to stay calm and remind myself of all the big, small, and daily crises people are facing so I can look beyond the forgotten deadlines and damaged expectations cluttering up this last week of instruction. I always forgive these, but staying compassionate does feel challenging sometimes. Mantra: I'm neither the target nor the source of all this; I can let it flow past me. 

Small successes in getting budget approval for books to gift to our capstone students; workshopping final projects; two important sets of e-introductions--a DEI one (SJ-EM) and one for our MFA (SS-WA); finishing up the last of Thanksgiving by folding the pumpkin gravy and the roasted veggies into a sambhar; and a truly lucky and important breakthrough in my CASA case (like OMG, it was mind blowing, and I now know exactly how to frame my report) . 

Went to work with sunrise; headed home with a sickle moon in the sky. But that's ok + these days are short. Dinner with the fam, a snooze with my Scout, and then to bed. (I stayed till Big A fell asleep and then crept out of bed to read... memories of doing this every day with the kids when they were littler made me smile. Guess I do this still with Scout and Huck daily...)

reading weekend

I'd saved a couple of books for the long weekend and they were amazing. I'd actually preordered Preeta Samarasan's Tale of the Dreamer's Son-- I was that excited for it. But I saved it to be my reward for after NWSA and Thanksgiving were accomplished. 

At 492 pages Tale of the Dreamer's Son didn't feel long enough, I wanted to keep reading it. I fell in love with P.S.'s first book Evening is the Whole Day, met her at a conference years ago, and then we became friends on "the socials." She thinks Nu is an amazing artist and that Scout and Huck are treasures (all true) and I've loved her quirky and irreverent takes on parenting, her parents, classical music, the odd short story or essay, dead celebrity heartthrobs (Kafka! Chopin!) etc. This book--which has been a long time coming--is nothing like any of that... it's twisted and suspenseful... political gothic. I was sad when it ended.

My other read was Brian Doyle's One Long River of Song, which continuously broke me in so many beautiful ways. It was a book club pick--definitely not something I'd have picked for myself. And kids, that is why I should be in more book clubs.

outtake

I used the 20 minutes At stopped by (while on a call!) to get everyone into matching holiday jammies for an impromptu shoot so I could start working on the holiday card. 

I usually have so many pictures for the card and calendars, but this year between Nu's hospitalizations, Big A's "commute," and At being so busy, I just haven't been taking as many photographs as I usually do. 

Feels like this year went by really fast too.

Pic: Beginning of the video we shot; I'll grab a frame later for the card. 

Five on a Friday

1) Worked on finishing yesterday's leftovers and bought absolutely nothing today as usual. 

2) (I don't judge people who Black Friday since learning, that for many families, it's a chance to buy things that may otherwise be outside the budget. Also, I think my fam's at a different place as we've reached a stage where neither kids nor grownups need a lot. Yes, I may previously have been judge-y about going straight from being thankful to buying more crap the very next day.)

3) Exactly one month to Christmas now and I think I have a good idea of what everyone is getting. I may add a bookmark or sticker here and there, but for the most part I think it's handled. 

4) I was invited to a conference in Alexandria (Egypt!!) and I think I'm going? It's in March so there's plenty of time for things to get canceled/for me to flake out and change my mind. But I've always wanted to see the pyramids, so I've said a tentative yes.

5) Pic: Lots of early morning walks with Big A now that he's here. Yay!

thankful

These once baby people set the table and set us up for a good time. 

We usually do some version of saying what we're thankful for--sometimes filling whole sheets in alphabetical order. This time we went around the table taking turns with the alphabet. I  was very embarrassed when I got a bit stuck on "O." 

Also, I was a pill trying to edit people's choices: "say you're thankful for "Dad."" Thankfully, my family loves me and thinks I'm hilarious. 

And then, my darlings started with an abecedary of insults... we couldn't think of anything for "G." 

Later, a quick walk down the street, crisp with leaves and fragrant with neighbors' wood stoves, to join LB and TB's riotous feast where we saw old friends and lots of new people. At was a bit of a rockstar what with their appearance in Michael Moore's Substack and what not. And then everyone piled into the car to take At back to their place. 

gathering

At is headed over after his meetings and will spend the night here.

Big A is on his way home and will spend a week here. 

This is the part of the holiday I absolutely love. Nu, Scout, and Huck are pretty excited too.

Pic: Screenshot of a text from Big A. That isn't Huckie in the car, it's Mr. Flooferson (a stuffie the family gave Big A as a silly gift for his birthday last month).

I know these things

the snap of the wind

       like wings in the air

sunrise like a bindi

       in the swirling city

the poems thinning

       with use and age

how trees tremble

       with each breath

why desire runs

       direct as locusts

returning to me 

       in folds of fear

--------------------------------

Note: It was already an introspective, introverted day. Then I saw Tamir Rice's photo in a commemorative piece... our world doesn't make sense.

second guessing

I remembered what 

it was like

                                to want something

                                then make it

after the beginning                  

before the end                         

                                 before the beginning

                                 after the end

to face carrying on                   

in this space                             

                                  between sympathy

                                  and responsibility

until we have enough              

will we know...                    

                                   when and then what

                                   is enough?

-----------------------------

Pic: Sunrise with snow puppies

Sunday stream (of consciousness )

Woke up slowly this morning, enjoying the darkness, then a quiet sunrise, then my tea, and meditation before having to talk to anyone.

Some quick chats with my India fam and early-rising friends and then on to the day in earnest. 

Despite my no-Christmas-before-Thanksgiving rule, I've made progress on a couple of adopt-a-family and some welcome boxes for refugees. Less altruistically,  I ordered some tees and stickers for the fam at TeePublic. I'm blanking on what to get people this year--I don't think people actually need anything and I'm tired of things not being used. I'd rather give to causes--the kids really seem to appreciate that more than anything else, anyway.

Nu changed his mind on going to UU so I headed out there by myself today. NB, one of Nu's friends, did the reading for all ages beautifully--signing as they read. So for a while there were two people signing in ASL on the dais, and it was very balletic. I really do want to learn ASL. I wished Nu had come... to see NB and also because it was apple cider-cinnamon donut communion day. Also really--what could be more "real Michigan" than revering apple cider and cinnamon donuts?

An afternoon visit to the Broad with RS and LB, for the Zaha Hadid retrospective where--surprise--my UU pastor was also there. Back to mine for tea and a debrief with R and L and then on to dinner and cuddles with Nu, Scout, and Huck. 

(I CANNOT WAIT FOR BIG A TO COME BACK ON WEDNESDAY.)

Looking ahead, I'll be back at work tomorrow, where the semester is beginning to find closure. I'm so chuffed when we get to this part of the term and students are finding their feet with research work and my job seems more supportive than instructional. 

Pic: Our group at The Broad Art Museum this afternoon. 

"under the trees in Autumn"

I walked out of the house into this weird estrangement of weather...  as though into someones's pointlessly strange story...

I love the hopeful green against the snow. It reminds me of disagreeing with Wallace Stevens' in "The Motive for Metaphor"

You like it under the trees in Autumn,
because everything is half dead.

Try it the opposite way, I want to tell Stevens...

we're all still so alive...

bokeh

saving the world in radiant rectangles

becoming a grid of gardens

...a genealogy of beauty

 

stars cast no shadows--in our world--

Love. There's no telling what 

they do in theirs

Pic: Red Cedar River; in the snowstorm with L yesterday.

strike to the heart

I was on an early morning hike with L as the rest of the workday was all meetings all day. 

When I glanced at my phone to check on time, I saw At had texted to say that he was going to be supporting striking Starbucks workers (#RedCupRebellion) on the picket line and had invited the fam to come too. I thought his text said 10-5, and was relieved because I could truthfully tell him I was going to be super busy... but then I saw he'd said 5-10... 

So I put on some snow boots and headed out on foot to the East Lansing Starbucks and hung out with At (whom I've missed so much especially since I went to Minneapolis and missed our weekly family dinner) and also his comrades for a while. They seemed to have lots of support via friendly honks.

At was in his canvas jacket and had shaved his impressive beard (bad timing as Nu said); I haven't seen this avatar of At's since HS, I think! I suggested a warmer coat and better gloves for outside work and offered to get him some from home, but he refused (even as he visibly shivered). So I reined in the rest of my mom prattle to just be there in the moment with my idealistic, altruistic, accomplished (and shivering) child. 

As we stood in the storm catching mouthfuls of snow as we talked, At remembered an anecdote (him in elementary school, in a hoodie, littler kid scared of him; I de-hoodie him and kiss his cheek, I ruined his cred). He said he'd been mad about it then, but thinks it's cute now.

Cute Pic: At's DSA colleague took this one. I love that At's sign says "All I want for Christmas is Solidarity" and mine says "Solidarity."

translation

I've been dreaming:
of three mosquitoes 
bouncing on a page

Oh sad, sleepy brain!
Did you just envision
"musketeers" wrong?

-----------------------------

Pic: Dreamy visual courtesy Ziibiwing Center trip with my capstone students. 

Note: Did my brain not want to use "MUSKeteers" because of the Twitter implosion?

"(i carry it in my heart)"

I used to carry you 

on my shoulders

or on my hip

these days I send

a funny tweet

a loving text

should you emoji 

something...

anything

I'll know that you're 

fine or okay

and alive

-----------------------------------------------

Pic: I wasn't the only one surprised by snow today.

Note: e.e.cummings poem

a Madrasi madcap history in pictures

One of the many, many reasons I love going to NWSA is because SR and I have been taking pictures in hats/headgear and calling it our "Madrasi Madcap series" because both of us have Madras (now known as Chennai but not while we were growing up) connections.

We hadn't been able to since 2019 as the 2020 conference was canceled and 2021 was online only. So we got back to it this year: it feels good to have fun.

In other news, I feel better AND continue to test -ve for Covid. Also: was reunited with all my loves and three of my classes yesterday, took Nu to the dentist, bid Big A goodbye for a week, and just generally jumped right back in to post-conference life. 

limbo

On my way back home. Here's a view from the airplane--Minneapolis below, serene and radiant cloudscape above, and me in the middle.

I have a hoarse throat (too much talking/Covid); a headache (not enough sleep + lots of stress/Covid); and back and body aches (too many books from the book exhibition in my backpack/Covid).

I'm double KN-95 masked (just in case) and there are no tests available at the airport. So I guess time and the Covid tests sitting in the guest bathroom at home will tell.