muses... musings...

StephLove commented that it must be inspiring to live close to some beautiful woods. It's true. I'm lucky to live so close to Sanford, Baker, and Edy. Even bounded by arterial roads, apartment complexes, and campus buildings--once inside those woods, everything else falls away and it feels like pure forest bathing. 

Every year, I can't stop taking pictures of fall woods! This is Baker Woods with L yesterday. 

It was cold when we started out and all I had on was a cardigan (I wanted to look presentable for the meeting I had scheduled soon after our return), but L marched me back into the house so I could get my puffy walking coat. That was a good decision. I once cried when we were out walking because I was cold, so L has been a bit vigilant about making sure I am warmly layered since then.

We swung by the Horticultural Gardens to see the brick installed in honor of LB and TB's wedding anniversary and did a small loop in Baker woods before heading back home. Then meetings, prep, Nu, Scout, Huck, etc. But that hour in the woods stayed with me and filled me.

I was supposed to host BSL and EM for pizza and a movie tonight. But after teaching, independent study advising, a ton of paperwork for Spring term + the honorary induction, and a nearly two-hour long faculty meeting that did not follow a clear agenda, I had the beginnings of a headache and had to bail. I'm so looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. 
 

"saw your picture today"

How I love this picture.  It must be from 14 years ago... At reading to Nu...

I have this picture taped to a bookshelf over my desk at work, so I see it all the time... 

But it still fells me with its sweetness and silliness (they're reading Goodnight Moon in a scary voice) every time I catch sight of it. 

It's sitting in my text messages today because I texted it to At when I was trying to wheedle him into hanging out with Nu next week when I have to work late... I think it worked!

I am not questioning

why the scribbles on my tongue

the message in your hand

lie briefly warring

you know it, and now, I know it

how we pin these colors

to our chests

where they flap like alive things

startling us--for we'd forgotten

we're never alone  

even in these gold-shouldered woods

when our souls are like tiny ghosts

slowing       unstoppable

Pic: Sanford Woods, MSU (on Sunday)
 

the general forecast

maybe ten thousand feet above us 

clouds are tonguing other clouds

stories are being built

way down here, I track every one

of your expressions, use them

to read my fortune 

soon a roving satellite will learn 

when your smile dawns, I can

ask you about/for anything 

Pic: Red Cedar, MSU
 

Happy Diwali!

May there be bright and sweet  happiness through the year!  

It was a long work day today, but we'd already had a pooja last night after birthday cake (with the whole fam), and another one tonight (just Nu, the pups, and me). 

Also, I love this picture of my babies' hands.

In "baby" news: At took some diyas and a box of kumkum to set up his own small altar at his place. Nu had to come in to work with me Friday and today (odd four-day weekend)--I expected him to be grumpy about it, but he was quite sweet and annotated the new Taylor Swift for me in the car. 

In "India" news: Lots of pictures of beautiful lamps and altars from home. One of the sweetest holiday videos this weekend was one of my parents and assorted aunts and uncles playing dumb charades at a party. It made me laugh (and also cry). 

Happy Birthday, Big A!

I'm a...

Made some beautiful pokè bowls for Big A's pre birthday dinner and then hopped off to a girlfriend's pre-halloween party. 

I got the sparkly jumpsuit in a post Xmas sale in the kids' section at Meijer (8$$$$$) and the mask was from a souvenir store from the trip to New Orleans earlier this year (3$?) so a very inexpensive ensemble. 

As to what it is exactly, I call it the "I'm a mouse. Duh!"

🐭😛

there is no deadline

I started a letter when I was nine years old
then I began adding pictures of skies
wondering what to say

I've now moved to a place knit with passions

and second chances and curious panics

happy in some ways

my letter unfinished: words run down, hidden

like heartbeat or birds far from home 

I've stayed unwritten

in the place I asked for

one day, I thought I saw 

you--back in life, though

not in mine

                     I followed you through

                     streets--you had errands

                     but no home

                                                         now I make a boat for you

                                                         clean it of sadness and

                                                         stock it with food 

                                                lay in strong thoughts

                                                and soft words and 

                                                welcome shores

                     if there is a way, maybe

                     this is it, you'll lift like

                     a tide, finding love

until it sets me free too

so I too can live--

as I already do

as I ought to

I rustle into place 
holding the scene together 
whispering steps and trips 
 
the beast of my heart
beats: and here's eye contact

across our space and species 

what is it that hardens

me embarrassingly into love 

sings-drums-rings-hums hello 

---------------------------------

Pic and note: A moment I shared with some deer on our street.  

falling asleep thoughts

Here's Huckie looking so much like Falkor in The Neverending Story (ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah aah ah).

I think I termed Scout Falkor before, but nah, it's Huck. 

Got a ton of work, grading, and prep done. Discovered that Nu really likes chickpeas today. Did lots of planning for Big A's birthday. Did my laundry too, but can't count it "done" until I put it away (which will probably take 3-4 business days 😏).

I'm going to bed and it's not even 1:00 am yet! Nice!

autumnal

Long (good!) teaching day. It's like clockwork: midterm comes around and I realize I love my students. Things have been difficult at home this year, so I worried I wouldn't be able to connect... but Whoomp, There It Is! "I'm taking it back to the old school/'cos I'm an old fool." I'm glad to know my heart still works.

Big A is back in MKE; Nu hung out at a friend's until I got home; roofers didn't show again; I got to see At on a live podcast last night; Nu and I got most things checked off our list today. There are some yays in there. 

Pic: Scout calling Nu to come in for dinner.

weekend vibes

Yes. 

That's a folding camp chair. 

In the river. 

With a pumpkin sitting in it.

Happy Fall, Y'all. I guess.

(Homecoming weekend at MSU. And we went to our first halloween party of the year. Not sure if I'm ready for break to be over... but it is.)

 

"L(ove)" Notes

• L and I were both feeling feeble and fragile (L is post-Covid and I'm post-Covid-shot) so we went for a gentle stroll in the woods behind L's house. I thought this turn in the river was absolutely breathtaking. 

• L is just the best at sharing her view and the river--she lets the whole street keep their kayaks in her yard.

• Also, when I called my mom this morning, I got a whole carful of aunts and uncles, which was fun. When I told my mom that I was sick from the Covid booster, she said, "Oh, you did that? We're not even wearing masks over here, everyone is fine." My mom does her own thing, so I didn't say anything. However, when I archly relayed this story to L, she rightly pointed out that *I* had had a bunch of people in my house for pooja a week ago and that everyone has their own magical thinking about Covid. She's not a friend who always agrees with me 😃.

• Nu needed some extra kindness today, and L was the one to give it to him when he brought L some salad for dinner.

• L just called me sounding very excited... it turns out that Michael Moore, whose Substack she subscribes to, had quoted At from an article in the Washington Post. 

a lost day

Me and my disproportionate Covid shot reactions. Ha.

I woke up at my usual time to make Nu breakfast, and then fell asleep on the sofa.

Then I went to bed for the rest of the day.

That's it. That was my whole day.

Pic: Sanford Woods from earlier in the week.

"there and back again"

Usually our hikes are fun and funny excursions, but a couple of times this week, Big A and I have come back from our trip to Sparty mad at each other. It's always the same thing too: he thinks we should all move to Milwaukee; I think not. 

I get that I make a fraction of what he does, but I'm actually the one who enjoys their job. Plus, Nu is halfway through high school (muddled though the experience has been); At is close by (at least for now); and Scout and Huck are comfortable where we are now (and how much they'd enjoy the yard was one of the reasons we moved here).

On the other hand, I miss him; I get how tedious the travel to and fro is for him; and I know having a second home and travel/commuting adds to our expenses...

Anyway... 

Nu and I got our boosters and flu shots. I'm not feeling like a zombie yet!

Pic: Fall color along the Red Cedar.
 

"hit me with your best shot"

Today was gray and rainy and full of work. But yesterday was a lovely hike with LB and RS heading west along the Red Cedar. It was my first real hike with L since her bout of Covid, and I loved it so much.

And now we're at midterm break.

I scheduled my Covid booster shots and flu shot, but am a bit sad knowing I'm about to lose at least two days of midterm break to my usual severe post-vaccination response. That sucks so bad, but it's the responsible thing to do. Perhaps I'll reward myself with a massage next week. 

And also, Big A encouraged me to get it now because he's home until Monday and "can take care of me." 🥰 (And then he ruined it by saying usually all he has to do is periodically poke me to make sure I'm still alive. 🙃)

Happy 15th birthday, Nu 💗

We celebrated Nu's 15th today--donuts at school, Sansu sushi takeout, a pistachio-raspberry cake made by Big A, brownies made by LB, phone calls from grandparents, and enough presents and gift cards to keep Nu in emo swag for a while. 

What a difficult year it has been for this kid in so many ways... I hope this next year is better. 

(I remember picking the date and showing up at the NYU hospital to be induced. I remember it like it was yesterday, but somehow it has been 15 years.)

(And also--speaking of parenting--the love and pain in this voicemail from President Biden to his son is everywhere today... and it breaks me every time.)

quick notes on Indigenous People's Day

There's lots more color since two weeks ago...

All the MSU campus walkways were chalked with support for Indigenous People's Day. 💗

Here's the first chapter of Howard Zinn's A People's History--"Columbus, the Indians and Human Progress" so we never forget. 

Here's The White House proclamation--we have a long way to go.

I like The Onion's take. (Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately.)

Pic: The Red Cedar.

fall meditation

trees stand as they did in my childhood
home: tall... bending for me

our stance an interchange

I named them as I did the sky before me

worshipping them as constancy

and also transformation 

now I look to sky and trees in imagining

knowing them from memory

loving them as prophecy

my patience both placental and personal 

a foundation sturdy with roots

from another century

_________________________________________

Pic: While coming back from watching Ponniyin Selvan with AS. 

blessed ordinary

every now and then something I've seen

thousands of times surprises me--

like blue skies, clouds

then it's as if I dreamed this stuff up

I'm so electrified I hardly know 

where to begin

now that it's all here in front of me 

unbelievable, extraordinary,

eternal like salvation

suspended like a noisy happiness

I'm tripping as if I can give--

of myself to the miracle

_____________

Pic: Skyscape as EM drove us home. I'm back and delighted to be alone for another day in a blissfully clean and quiet home.

the knowing

the moon a face outside this window 

almost fluorescent, hovering outside 

of the day

I find I am alone in this encounter

though voices may bloom through

an open door 

they knew me before I had a history

or even a story... even when I stayed

just the same 

the moon, the day, the door... waiting

for me, uncut by memory, they know

that I'll show

Pic: Lafayette street art pic from EM.

people all over the world

Our roundtable went well. It's part of a larger project, so it was great to know that other teachers were interested in having this conversation as well. 

EM and I treated ourselves to a poke bowls for dinner and then headed off to our rooms for quiet time. I'm loving my grown up quiet time.

But suddenly I started thinking about how my fam is currently spread out across three states (me in Indiana, At in Michigan, Big A with Nu, Scout, and Huck in his apartment in Wisconsin) and sleep fled. 

And then I started thinking about my parents on the other side of the world in Bangalore, my sister on her vacation in Goa, my mom and her sisters heading off to Pondycherry for the pooja soon, and so on and so on... I stayed up for a a long time. I'm hilarious.

Pic: Big A's pic of the pups in bed in Milwaukee.

tripping

Taught all my three classes today, then drove back home, packed for about 25 minutes, took two meetings back-to-back from 4-5 pm, bid hurried goodbyes to Nu, Scout, Huck, and Big A, and was on the road with EM by 5:08 pm.

We're off to Purdue U to present on our transdisciplinarity and pedagogies of hope project at a roundtable. Since that's a mouthful--we usually refer to it as our "Hope-O-Calypse" project. 

We asked: "How might humanities scholars understand the meaning, nature, and strategic value of hope in an increasingly dystopian world and disrupt the prepackaged narratives of capitalist constructions and military-energy regimes? We consider a range of theoretical and pedagogical approaches to the question of how our fields of study might develop concrete strategies to help people (including our students) understand the enormity and complexity of these problems while simultaneously equipping them with ways to respond with agency rather than despair."

Anyway... here we are... EM and me... saving the world (or at least trying to)... riding off into this yolky sunset.

a bit of the rainbow

 Made a couple of soups early this morning for a baby cousin recovering from meningitis. I had to drive two hours to Toledo to drop them off, so Big A came along to keep me company... I'm almost all talked out at the moment.

It's my 'Boss Day,' and I got... Subway. What can I say? I love those sandwiches! 

And somehow, it seems we're almost midway through this semester.

Pic: Not quite a whole rainbow, but a bit of one... I'll take it. 

happiness in ten minutes or less

I was just about to drop At back to his place in Lansing after dinner when Big A showed up from Milwaukee. 

It had been so long since all of us have been together... So after hugs and hellos, I grouped these five around my reading chair so I could take a picture.

(Huck loves being picked up, Scout hates it.)

We got ten minutes together, and I have a picture that makes me happy every time I look at it. 

until next time

SD and I met 25 years ago when we were both in in Jerusalem for a few months. We've never lived in the same city since, and there's twenty years between us, but we've been there for all of each other's big events. We like to joke that we've seen each other through two marriages and a thousand weekly crises.  

Every place I've moved, the refrigerator magnets she gifted me get put up first. Every party I throw, her math for hors d'oeuvres (1.5 x #of guests) gets used. Whenever we're single, we spend the big holidays together. 

SD is a dynamo so we fit in a lot into our four days together this week. A lot for me that is. There was a vineyard and a fall festival SD wanted to go to that we didn't make. But we did get in long morning walks, lots of parks, multiple golus, fancy dinners, a Powwow, lots of heart-to-hearts, lots of games, and lots of hugs. I got to edit her online profile and vet her suitors and she defrosted my refrigerator and taught me to use a coffee maker. She made me promise I'd go to the conference next week. 

I miss her already.

Pic: Healing Gardens @ MSU.

celebration worthy

I loved how yesterday turned out... after SD and I got dressed in our saris, we waited about ten minutes wondering if anyone would show up at all. 

Then suddenly, it was nonstop chatter, laughter, dance, and dandia... seeing conversations and connections develop between my friends from different parts of my life.

I did all the saris in this early group... and there were at least two more groups by the end of the night. 

(Speaking of the end of the night--it was orchestrated by SD--oh, how I love SD--turning off the music and thanking people for coming. 💗😂)
 

all set to start

 Navaratri celebrations tonight!

"Take homes" (snack boxes and gift bags) and our miniature magic forest "Golu" are ready for guests!

hard first step

Titled "Out of Reach," this installation really spoke to me. 

It's part of this year's campus-centric Art Prize and the student creators indicate that it's a representation of accessibility issues in our world. 

How many things are impossible because that first step is so insurmountable...

And then looks like procrastination, intractability, or delinquency...

It's a good reminder that I am an elder in this world and can reach out when people don't show up. (Just in case it's because they can't show up.)

Also it seemed so faraway when we postponed the visit in August, but now SD is here! SD is here! SD is here!

diminishing

Every morning as I wake

swimming with dreams

wrestling with the dark

our world is ready to stack

before me, crisp towers

of lists and leftovers 

from the night behind me

and so I enter the strange 

thing that is the day 

like an all-you-can-eat buffet 

the return of my appetite 

some bright miracle

Pic: MSU's spirit rock in honor of the Iranian women's protests. The highschoolers walking out over Virginia governor Youngkin's anti-trans policies, a lunch-time walk-and-talk with AK, my capstone students brilliantly knitting news with readings... I am grateful for decency and beauty showing up in this world.

(peek)

I'm not ready for what people call "peak colors" and "peak fall" yet, but this tiny peek is okay by me. I've kinda missed the outdoors.

I haven't been on any long treks recently. L, who's the person with whom I've hiked the most in the last three years, was quite sick with Covid and I couldn't bear to be on any of our usual paths without her.

However, Big A (my second-best in this regard) was here on another 36-hour visit today, so we went for 'a full Sparty' at a very brisk pace and solved all our summer problems (theoretically at least)!

Pic: The Red Cedar with hints of yellow and red in the bordering foliage. 

"what-ifs" and wistfulness

From the beautiful pictures on my FB feed, it would seem that it was homecoming weekend AND ALSO national daughters' day. I thoroughly marveled and appreciated at all the kids I used to know looking radiant and lovely and quite grownup. But I was also plagued with some "what-ifs" and wistfulness. 

I'm going to take this moment to acknowledge my feelings...then I'm going to let them go as gently as a pebble into water... and let the ripples rise and close up in calm.

Quiet

Scout and Huck are worried for me... because I play this harp so badly. 🤣😂 They would prefer me to be quiet.

It was otherwise a quiet and fulfilling Sunday: UU meditation, a hang with JL at the Lebanese coffee shop, a chat with my sis and mom, a WhatsApp celebration with the cousins, weekend chores, a soak, groceries, dinner with all four kids, teaching prep, Navaratri invitations and menu-planning, a heart-warming chat with At while I dropped him back at his place, more teaching prep, and so to bed.
 

yesterday's sunshine

yesterday's sunshine listens to me

guessing at laughter or at grief

yes, the kids are playing again

but no, they've not forgotten

yesterday's sunshine reminds me

I should live wildly--as if I can

erase distance, ease today's rain

warns me beacon-like: enjoy

"I saw the sign(s)"

A midday stroll with JG today and this was her front yard when I drove up--a veritable forest of election lawn signs! It includes at least two of our colleagues from work too. As always a lovely chat and I left feeling loved and full of ideas.

Back home lots of hangout time with Big A whose "Boss Day" it is and whom we'll have to  return to the train station and thence to Milwaukee Saturday morning. 

All these trips to the train station really remind me of residency days when Big A worked at Bellevue and I'd put two kids in the car to pick him up at the Summit train station. Seven-year-old At used to call those trips "midnight adventures." 

Now here we are again 16 years later, thanks to the magic of there somehow being 25 Emergency Medicine residencies in MI and only 2 in WI. We've come up with a plan (wish?) to renegotiate his contract for the next academic year... And although all of it is a long ways off, it's a hopeful sign on the horizon. 
 

drop

The temperature dropped suddenly (and punctually for the autumn equinox) today. So here's me in blankets and puppies, by the heater in the study, trying to get teaching prep for tomorrow done before I get to PICK BIG A UP FROM THE TRAIN STATION!!

I don't know if it's silly to pine for one's partner at this stage in my life, but it also feels basic--you know? One should get to end every day with the person you picked for life.

*three thoughts *on the third day *of the work week

*Lots going on in the world outside and students were on fire today, discussing--the Hijab protests in Iran, the Venezuelans trafficked to Martha's Vineyard, the floods in Pakistan and Puerto Rico... 

*I felt buoyed today by an internet friend becoming a more IRL friend, work friends finding non work ways to connect, and my sister's glee that her birthday is "just four months away."

*When I need to laugh, I come back to this picture of "Kangaroo Huck" with her feet rudely positioned on Scout's butt, her "dress" askew, looking at me for pets. 

look up

I had to run an errand on the far side of town and found myself getting dejected by it as I always do... the houses seem to be falling down a bit more than normal, the cars seem rustier and noisier...

And I say this as someone who lives in a house whose roof has leaked for at least three years and has not been fixed although roof-work started [... and stopped] at the beginning of summer and as someone who drove a car with a busted-up headlight for nearly six months this year after my 'deer incident' as there were no replacement parts available.

But I know it's not really the same thing. My dejection is because how that is yet another nudge about how we live in a world of inequity, recognizing how huge this is, and coming to terms that it's not something I can ever begin to fix by myself. 

And then on my way home I came to this crossroads (It reads: ML King Jr. Blvd and Malcolm X St). That made me smile so big because sometimes I talk myself through social situations by asking myself if I want to do it "like Martin or like Malcolm?"

Dr. King's uncle was a local Lansing pastor and Minister Malcolm, of course, grew up in Lansing. A gray-ish day and an unexceptional photograph, but a good reminder of a moment that lifted me up.

start over

Borrowing this picture from TJA who used it as a reminder that we can all start over. 

Things can change...

I know I can grow.

how do you know

how do you know

the sudden bunny in the trees
a streak of white tail a trail

ringing in the heart 

how do you know

the storm hovering overhead

brooding here, eager to grab

cobwebs and hope

how do you know

the scream waiting in readiness 

to jump out of the darkness

that is my throat 

I don't know 

I wait to reckon with these knots 

with silent prayers to calm

the angry seas inside 

Pic: Nu and At taking off for a walk-and-talk post dinner. Things did not go as I'd hoped. 

time begins to hurt when

the leaf's green and the river's green 

hesitate on unripeness 

but I am sun-warmed and life-bound 

and have to try it

for you are taller than I can remember

stronger than you know

yet here I am trying to keep the monster

hidden... and quiet

O hush little baby, let's flee this moment 

in its blossoming bruises

for my mind is still trapped underwater

and cannot anchor it 

 Pic: Red Cedar, earlier this week. (I needed a reminder of calm after some particularly horrible hours this morning. I'm thankful for Big A being there and community help.)

five Friday yays

Got a shoutout from the wonderful Melissa at Stirrup Queens... that always makes my week!

Finished up work for the week--even got in a couple of things ahead of deadline (to make up for the things past due). 

Nu and I got home around the same time. We're watching Riverdale together per Nu's request. It's so over the top, we keep laughing--so I guess that's the good part. 

A quick dinner prep and then off to the train station. Nu DJ-ed through the train delay and then finally we got Big A home. We'll have him for about 36 hours.

Pic: Big A and Huck who are bestest pals reunited. 

what was I thinking?

I wanted to (re)read some Mary Stewart, who's been a comfort read since my teens, and picked Wildfire at Midnight, which was my first Mary Stewart and a book I'd originally picked somewhat serendipitously from the untouched hardback section in the Holy Angels Convent library. I was so taken by it, I retold it frame-by-frame to my sister and cousins at our sleepover later that week.

Anyway... So I had very good reasons to pick Wildfire... And yes, the language and descriptions were just as flawless and the murder mystery just as intriguing. But of course the historical moment is a key player too--the conquest of Everest by Tenzing and Hillary and... the coronation of QEII.

I guess subliminal colonialism is a thing.

Pic: Reading my Mary Stewart compendium with Scout and Huck.

exhale

The moon was still up in the sky when Scout, Huck, and I took Nu to the school bus before I went to work and back in the sky when I got home. Three classes, three meetings, and all of them very necessary. It helped that Big A helped in the morning before he left to take the ferry back to WI and At came over in the afternoon to hang out with Nu (and took Nu to some labor meetings 💗) while I was at work. 

I brought back some Angel Tears and Devil Tears from Pizza 1 One for the kids. A long time ago, L asked what they were and I described them; she then summarized that it sounded like they had taken the one healthy thing about pizza (the tomato sauce) and left all the other stuff. She's right. These "tears" always get a rockstar welcome from the kids though--yesterday was no exception.

There was a comment on yesterday's post, which was very true in that there were only two people in my photo. I struggle with this a lot. When we moved to this house we were eight human and non human persons and three generations--my parents, Big A and me, and the two human and two canine kids. It does feel kind of empty with just Nu, part-time Big A, and me as the humans living in this house now. I'm trying to come to terms and make peace and all that jazz because I know that this is the way of things. But it's not easy. And I haven't been successful. (Nicole--I must really put Philpott's Bomb Shelter on my list RIGHT NOW.)

inhale

Checked and cleared off my calendar early today and then I was able to hike with Big A, give Scout and Huck a groom, and make s'mores with Baby A. 

A midweek respite seemed necessary today. Especially since I'll be on campus from 8 am to 8 pm tomorrow (and that's not counting the commute).

It's like the deep breath before a deep dive...

Pic: Pre-s'mores. The bad haircuts I gave the puppies are sadly obvious. (The vet no longer offers grooming, and I didn't want to take them to some chain place because there are so many horrible stories.)

coming in

my eyes are insistent

yearn to find amends

rivers wake unaware

these roads catch fire

for ever there is light 

I unfasten the heavy

I catch myself happy

a song between sighs

what is day, if not this

Pic: Sunrise over the Maple River. I get to work so early these days!

one more time

A long time ago, At told me he read this thing on reddit about how we sometimes don't know when it's the last time you're doing something. The example they gave was picking up your kid--there's no fancy celebration for that... one day you do and then somehow you never do it again. 

I do know that I was picking up At when he was seven (I only stopped when I got very pregnant with Nu), but I don't even remember when I stopped with Nu.   

So today, I decided that I wanted to pick up my kids one more time. They were game: 

overheard, over here

today I bring nothing but words

they're probably in the wrong order

but let's wander in adventure soon

although I'm too obstinate for miracles

as we walk together, try not to notice 

I brought my books though they fall apart 

if you believe in madness and darkness

be ready to see the stars twinkling through

up next

fog like whiteness giving over to nothing
only scarves and neckties are flowering

I play a matchbox and then a jukebox

sitting here quietly with my knife

I cut a path of spirals through smiles

of my own motherhood brimming

only to hide under frosty glares

as though the sky is burning 

isn't it strange how we define words

with more words and... gesturing

how even the ruins of a day

can be filled with people

____________________

Note: KB talked to KO and I got a long, kind, and helpful walk-and-talk about options (with KO). Cannot describe how it feels to be understood and validated.

hymn

now gone the silver hair

in the dusk to dust 

the theft and the torment 

how they abide

amazing--go ahead, ask

about our dead

while symptoms, suffering

in the event hide

all we lost and never found 

rippling under water

#QEII 

promise

from under the belly of the bridge

I arrive like wonder 

like a wound

flickering like prayer or heartbeat 

remembered, returned,

and restitute

surely, it must be true that others

too, climbed language like

a promised land

when the city pulls back

quiet days have their own story
happy or not, peace or loss

a small warm animal 

being

both presence and invisibility 

to bark--now what--free yet

there should you want

a snuggle

Pic: Red Cedar River