how could I live so far away?

how could I live so

far away?

I guess I didn't know 

I could

life is such a hard thing 

to chance

you can leave a place

and then find

it always stays on you 

like fine sand

And Ten Notes From Today: 

1. Mom, aunt, sis, and brother-in-law are sick; At and Nu appear to be recovering. I feel so conscience-stricken about my germy kids and worried about everyone else with a side of I told you guys to mask up when we were in the car together!
2. I may be developing misophonia... and also the bands of howling street dogs were... interesting the first couple of nights, but not anymore.
3. Big A has already neglected my flowering plants to death. But Huckie and Max are well loved, so I'll keep him.
4. Had to say goodbye to family who came up from Coimbatore and Chennai to hang out with us... I miss them already. 
5. Esp. VM and AA--seeing them wrap At and Nu in the same kind of unconditional love that saved me when I was a teen has been such a joy.
6. It's Monday, so we've had to stop partying all night. I haven't left the house all day.
7. I got so much cash on Amazon India gift cards, which I cannot use from the US, so I've ordered a ton of stuff and it remains to be seen if we'll receive it before our departure date.
8. A realization that I have a very special position in the family as the oldest grandchild/nibling--it's nothing about me, any ol' baby landing into this family just waiting to love on their big sister's baby would have done. I just happened to luck out big time.
9. The class I picked up as an overload due to a colleague's sudden departure was cancelled. Alleluia. I did it mostly out of a sense of duty--the extra cash would have been nice, but the extra time will be sweeter.
10. I had a Zoom meeting with my editor in NZ this morning. It was a fairly routine meeting, except when they sweetly said "you get to weave the web," I was taken aback because I heard it as "you get to wave the whip." Umm, no.

Pic: At's picture of me by the sea last week. (Pondycherry)

"my so-called vacation"

The title for today's post comes from At, who knows Nu and I have been watching My So-Called Life. TBH, for reasons I haven't yet unpacked, I never actually thought of this trip as a vacation at all. 

At is still sick and now (as of this evening) Nu is sick too with similar symptoms. My sis was able to order the antivirals for Nu online and it was delivered to our door in less than an hour. That part was impressive.

Two sick kids and two vulnerable grandparents in the same house = not so impressive. 

There was a get together for us at another aunt's house earlier today. At was unable to get out of bed, but Nu still seemed well at that point and I didn't want my aunt to feel totally disappointed, so Nu and I showed up with the rest of the family. But then we made our excuses to return home early so we could be with At. 

Nu really wanted to ride in an  auto-rickshaw, so we took one home by ourselves. And despite all the dire warnings, nothing terrible happened to us. TBH, one uncle, two aunts, two cousins, and my sister came to see us into the auto though. I love them all so, so much, but it's also a bit much.*

Pic: Nu and me in the auto-rickshaw being bratty and hamming it up. When I look back on this pic, I can kind of tell Nu is about to get sick too. (Bangalore)

 *I'd kind of forgotten how over-protective my family can be. I'm still getting frequent earfuls about how--on Friday--I took an auto-rickshaw someplace instead of calling home to let them know to send a car and driver for me. Like what? I'm so old and I've been out on my own in the world for so long! And I take public transport or drive myself. Anyway, I'm a fan of auto-rickshaws, especially because they're smaller than cars and can weave their way through Bangalore traffic better. 

living loud

When Big A texted at 10 past midnight to see if I was still up, I texted this picture of family waving back at him--it's only ten past midnight, everyone's still here! 

You won't find Nu in this picture because it's late and they'd had their fill of social interaction. 

And you won't find At in this picture because their fever had spiked and they're in bed after we went to the hospital earlier in the evening for a consult, tests, and antivirals. (There's a chance it could be dengue, although we haven't been bitten by a single mosquito, and of course it could be Covid--either of which could complicate things by a whole lot.)

I've had some lovely conversations with my dad on this trip thanks to his amazing new hearing aid. This morning he was telling me about a sib who died in infancy and their family dog who died from grief soon after (that's the family story, anyway), and I started to cry about Scout. My dad was upset about making me cry, but actually, it was such a relief to be able to do any of this--talk to my dad, talk about Scout, hear a story I've heard 10,000 times before, etc. 

Pic: Part of my loud and lovely family. The sheet of paper in VM's hand is a blueprint for the big family reunion being planned for next year. (Bangalore)

here we are...

Altogether!
 

We always talk late into the night and wake up at dawn; there's always jokes, and teasing, and stories we've all heard a ton of times and laughing a lot for no good reason. 

And it's about being so looked after that people will do things that might seem silly. My aunt was worried that the cooks would absent-mindedly use mustard (At is allergic) that she took all the mustard out of the kitchen and put it all in her bedroom! Of course, we kept teasing her about it all day.

Pic: Dad, At, me, AA, VM, Nu, mom, and sis. 

I'm in a formal saree because I'm headed off to give a talk at Stella Maris, my undergraduate college in Chennai!  At is a bit under the weather today (hence the mask).

a happy place...

Reunited with #1 favorite uncle! 

These three people I love so much, the sunset over the sea, and the family's little Ganesha temple make this a picture I will keep coming back to...

Pic: Nu, VM, and At at VM's place in Pondycherry. It always looks the same...

#LaterPost

Home is where...

Home is where they take candid pics of you after you've been traveling for two days and are unwashed and puffy and texting your husband while your human kids loll on you.

Pic: At, me and Nu in a huddle. I actually love this pic of us. (Bangalore)

#LaterPost

the people we came to see...

The people we came to see, namely my mom and dad, look lovely and exactly the same...

Except they move so much more slowly now and take way more pills than they used to.

Pic: Amma and Dad at sunrise. (Pondycherry)

#LaterPost
 

travel is tiring...

...even if all you've done is gotten boarding passes, gone through security, and found your gate...

Pic: Nu and At flopped out two hours in, even before our first flight out of Detroit. 

#LaterPost

last day

I over watered my zillion plants hoping they'll be ok while I'm gone for the next two weeks at least, took a long two-hour walk by myself to say goodbye to all my favorite places for a while, took a long soak, finished all the pesky chores, submitted materials a week ahead of deadline for the course I got suckered into, helped At and Nu with their packing, made a hearty breakfast casserole that'll serve us tomorrow too, played with Huck and Max all day, and just said goodbye to the garden and the fireflies and Scout at his memorial...  

At is already here tonight, and it was so lovely to pop into both human kids' rooms to say goodnight.

Just a few more odds and ends to squeeze into my bags and I'm ready!

Pic: Max, Huck, and Big A. I'm going to miss these guys so much!

tick-tock

In some poses, Max looks so much like Scout that I wonder if I'll have trouble telling them apart in photos when my memory dims. 

But this pic won't be confusing. 

Scout hated to be picked up and Max loves being Nu's little baby, because of course he's ok with whatever Nu does with him--Nu is like a god in Max's world. 

Max got his second set of shots earlier this week and is all ready for the real world. He seems to love visitors already. He probably needs to be around other dogs, because he can't... bark! It's cute and funny how he makes all sorts of sounds from whale whistles to mousey squeaks... and his bark sounds so silly. Huck barks very rarely and isn't much help here. It'll be something to work on when we get back from India.

Speaking of which... our houseguests couldn't come this weekend. They caught something (non Covid at last check, but still contagious) and we're going to see my elderly parents... so we're replanning for next year. With all that suddenly free time because of their absence, I packed.

And our three check-in suitcases are ready; I managed to fit all the stuff my sis had delivered here and my own gifts for everyone (I went overboard with the niblings as usual) all sorted, listed, and packed away. It's just a matter of throwing some clothes, books, and my ziplock of products into my carryon at this point. 

Less than 48 hours to go. 

Pic: Nu, Max, and Big A hanging out while I make dinner.

Think pink

Barbie this evening with an intergenerational group including Nu.

It was a fun romp and definitely worth watching. Even for me (who didn't grow up with Barbies) or my kids (who didn't play with Barbie because I was worried second-wave-feminism style that it would inculcate unrealistic body expectations). 

The movie does a lot of work: the brief glimpses of what a less patriarchal world might look like made me a bit teary and there were lots of LOL moments for sure. Have to marvel at the delicate balance between its appeal to kids/adults, implications/recuperations  of Mattel, awareness/promotion of consumerism, feminism, femmephobia, and so on. 

Pic: Our group in pink.

Random (with emphases)

*      Always loved Sinead O' Connor for her voice and speaking up for all people. In the wake of her death, I'm realizing she was also all things socialist, feminist, Marxist, eco-socialist, anti-racist, pro-abortion, pro-trans, anti-colonial, pro-refugees, and pro-Palestine. What an immense loss to the world. Her use of the J. Krishnamurti quote "It is No Measure of Health to be Well Adjusted to a Profoundly Sick Society" randomly pops up in my head as a mantra.

*    Went to a 'celebration of life' for JS's husband who died two months ago. JS was so regal and wise and lovely, and it still broke my heart. But also, this is what I want for myself instead of a funeral. Poor Big A, he's really going to hate having to throw a party without me.

*     I was up all night talking to Big A about his job move and then panicking and  breaking out into hives--first arms, then legs, then my whole body. I had to Claritin and calamine myself to calm down.

*     I had four meetings this morning and then homework on that ACUE course. I must be smart about taking on summer responsibilities next year.

*    I rarely buy myself cut flowers in the summer when everything seems to be blooming outside, but DM brought me stalks of stargazer lilies on Saturday... nearly all the buds are open now, and OMG, it smells so wonderful.

Pic: DM's lilies in full bloom.

a double life

hours  come back to me 

meandering, nonchalant,

restless as a piece of jazz

wandering like a  poem

like cloudbursts turning

into leaves and flowers

 knowing the nearness 

of  dirt  worms weeds

Pic: Beal Garden pond, MSU.

"The News"

Five poems by my wonderful friend Jan are on hand-carved plaques at Beal Botanical Garden to celebrate the sesquicentennial.

"The News" 

The prairie dock rockets

toward the sun.

Its leaves are

as large as a page of the New

York Times. But though their

 business is boosting

circulation, their news is all

 about life.

Pic: "The News" by Jan Shoemaker at Beal Botanical Garden. Early morning trip with L. 

Oh, the places I've been...

StephLove and NGS were curious about the list of places on my bio, so here goes. Actually, that list is somewhat abbreviated and I had to add a couple more places for continuity. Also, I count places where my sister and parents live as a dual home as well, even if I only visit for a couple of weeks here and there. 

1. Madras (Tamil Nadu state), India: Birthplace. In the traditional way, Mom moved back to her parents' seven months into her pregnancy to have me. Dad visited us every weekend.
2. Cochin (Kerala state), India: When I was around three months old, mom and I moved (back) to where Dad worked.
3. Vizag/Vishakapatnam (Andhra Pradesh state), India:  We moved because of Dad's job. This is where my sister was born. We attended Timpany School.
4. Madras (Tamil Nadu state), India: We moved back to Madras where both sets of grandparents and our vast network of cousins and family lived. I went to Holy Angels Convent and Sacred Heart schools and graduated from Stella Maris College.
5. Kodaikanal (Tamil Nadu state), India: I taught at Kodaikanal Christian College for a year after graduating.
6. Columbia, S.C.: I went to the University of South Carolina on a terrific teaching assistantship, making more money than I had ever earned in my life up to that point.
7. Jerusalem, Israel:  University of J; Grad fellowship
8. Utrecht, The Netherlands:  University of U; Grad fellowship
9. Princeton, NJ:  Institute for Advanced Studies; Grad fellowship
10. Chennai (Tamil Nadu state), India: My birth city changed its name...
11. Columbia, S.C.: Back for a bit; At's born here.
12. Oxford, U.K.  Went to the University of Oxford for my doctorate on a scholarship that paid almost as much as my current salary. 
13. Delhi (National Capital Territory), India: Sis and parents moved to the capital city for a couple of years for sis's job.
14. Bangalore (Karnataka state), India: Sis and parents moved for sis's job. They're here now.
15. New York, NY and Springfield, NJ: Big A's residency at NYU; finally married Big A; Nu's born in NYC; started this blog.
16. Yellow Springs, OH: Big A's hometown, we moved there after his residency for his first job as an attending. 
17. Alma, MI: We moved for my job; adopted Scout and Huck
18. Lansing, MI:  Moved as Big A had a fellowship at U of Michigan and Lansing is halfway between Alma and Ann Arbor; adopted Max.

I really don't want to move anymore!

Pic: Puppy attack! Max first and Huckie right behind.

"it'll grow back"

I know that everyone in India will love my babies no matter what, but also... I want them to look nice on the visit. 

So I (very cautiously) broached the idea of a haircut with Nu, who hasn't been to a hair stylist in over two years. They'd cut their own hair a couple of times since then, but not recently. 

When I called the Aveda salon that Big A and Nu use to make an appointment, there was a lot of back and forth and then they asked me if Nu was "biologically male or female." Whereupon I gave them a piece of my mind and hung up. I could have handled that better. But it's fucking hair! Why should it matter?! 

Anyway, I checked in for this morning at the Supercuts nearby (it's the place I use) and off we went. 

I must say, Nu's choice of cut is a bit complicated--the laidback TikTok teen who models it in Nu's reference video has a rattail mullet and sides shaved in an undercut. When we got to the Supercuts, the stylist was an older South Asian woman in a hijab. NGL, I wondered if she'd balk at Nu's choice of cut. But she just cheerfully set to work. At the end of 30 minutes, Nu had precisely the haircut they wanted and I relievedly tipped a 150%. Haircut? More like hair cute! (Ok, I'll stop.)

Nu and I were to go to dinner with AK and AK, but the restaurant closed early (Sunday!) so we met at home to polish off the leftovers from yesterday's feast. I excused Nu from the table, but they chose to linger for hours. Do the AKs know what a huge compliment that is?!

Pic: Baker Woods with L early this morning. This deer was most interested in our chat. 

Note: Pre haircut we were joking about how it's only hair and it'll grow back... and wondering if a hair salon called "It'll Grow Back," would be popular.

trumpets!

Ok. So proud of myself today.

I got the chapter done this morning. Twenty days late, and Big A eyes glazed over when I summarized it on our walk yesterday, and the editor hasn't seen or approved it. But at this moment, I think it's a good first draft. 

And then in the afternoon, I single-handedly shopped, cooked, and (six hours later) served a fancy four-course Indian meal for the UU fundraiser. I think this is my fourth year of doing this "Evening in India" thing, so I have the menu, prep, and production down to an exact science. I like to pretend I'm running a restaurant--do other grown ups do this too? 😂 A couple of guests remarked that they were so happy to get in this year because they'd tried to bid on my offering for a couple of years but the bids went up so quickly. I said something self-deprecating, but I preened a little bit on the inside when I heard that. 

 Pic: Trumpet vine flowers to go with all the self-trumpeting. 

homes, borders, flags

Super excited about leaving for India in ten days... Excited to see everyone and visit every place and eat everything... A bit anxious about giving a talk at my old undergraduate college... but super excited to be home, in the old country. 

In my own anticipation of crossing borders, the hype about the new Indiana Jones and the Oppenheimer movies are beginning to bother me.  Did they really make a full-length movie about Oppenheimer's tortured genius without representing a single Japanese person? 

Anyway--walking, (window) shopping, and snacking my way through downtown East Lansing with JG today, Stephanie Syjuco's "Rogue States" at The Broad Museum really spoke to me. It's an installation of flags of fictional nation states from movies (incl. "Hatay" from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade). A "convention of collective anxiety" about nations that are positioned as "terrorist, backward, resistant, or unstable."

Pic: My second time with Stephanie Syjuco's "Rogue States" this year. The first time was with EM. 

a forgotten summer list

Between the travel and deadlines, I totally forgot to make a summer list this year...

But summer things are still happening anyway. At a breakneck pace these days.

We're entertaining for the next three days (three very different things), have houseguests the weekend after, and then it's off to India... eep.

And as Nu said dolefully: when we come back from India, summer vacation will almost be over. I wanted to redirect and say we ought to enjoy the moment and that we have a whole month left, but NGL--I lowkey feel the way Nu does too.

Pic: Big A, Huck, and Max roasting veggie dogs.

lingering

what is the correct tense for promise

for the butterflies you tried to catch

like the meaning in unknown words 

when you learn loving less is useless

what might we say or sing or pray

aligning the trembling fall of leaves

--if you're still listening, do you hear

content rustling in the fleeing day... 

Pic: A bud vase with wildflowers to take upstairs to Nu.

Max-imum love

Max is a delight. As At says, he's completely unselfconscious and a "goofy-ass" puppy. Max is pure puppyness: He sits down and then unintentionally ends up rolling over; he trips over himself; he sploots; I once saw him pay attention to a deer jump over the fence and then for a while he picked up his feet and leapt like a deer himself; when I sweep up a mess, he moves his head like he's watching a scintillating tennis match.

Nu hasn't laughed quite like this... in years. Nu hasn't been adored quite like this... in years. Max wakes Huckie up to play whenever he wants to, he cuddles up to Huckie because he wants to, when it's dinner time Huckie eats at least partly out of competition. Max is so good at animating poor grieving Huckie. Scout would have loved Max.

Big A and I both tear up when we talk about Scout--that doesn't look like it will change any time soon (never). I expected that. I didn't expect that we'd have reasons to laugh quite so much despite it all. I'm surprised at how much my heart can still grow.

 Pic: Nu and Max playing 'Pat-a-cake'

pushing luck

I found FOUR four-leaved clovers while walking with Max and Huck this evening. 

(At least I think they're clover? They might well be shamrock or oxalis or some other weed.)

(Anyway, they were in a patch with other mostly three-leaved things, so I'm counting these lucky.)

I got lots of respect for this feat from At (who came to dinner today) and Nu. It reminded me of a long ago moment in 2008... 

I'm keeping one for myself; the other three are for some people I know who need a good shot of good luck too.

Pic: four-leaved clover haul on the kitchen counter.

summer fullness

Still frozen in the same place on the writing project--convinced that I'll be satisfied if I work on it for just another 24 hours. Perhaps it's time to send it off to the editor and let them tell me what I need to fix?  Perhaps it needs to live in someone else's brain for a while.

In the afternoon, I took myself off to HS's annual garden party, which, as always, was a treat. An unexpected treat was the live jazz band that set up in the dining room and was absolutely fantastic. 

The last time H.S. had their garden party was in the year before the pandemic... it was impossible not to reflect on how much has changed since the last time and simultaneously feel that familiar sense of return about so much else.   

I feel so replete with flowers, friends, music... and food. So full of food: The whole afternoon repast at HS's, then dumplings and stir-fry at home, and then a second dinner as Nu wanted a pizza snack but only if I would share it with them.

Pic: A partial view of HS's beautiful garden. Someday I will have a beautiful garden too and deer won't eat it.

the ones we live with

Big A gave me a big Buddha statue for Christmas in 2015. When I sat the Bodhisattva outside the front door of our old house, Scout and Huck lost their minds and barked at him all day. He's weathered now from being outside in all kinds of weather... and when we moved to this house, he sustained an injury. A quarter-sized hole opened up in his thigh and we realized he was hollow inside. 

(I'm realizing this is a strange story--Buddha at Christmas, the puppies losing their calm around him,  him being hollow rather than fully filled [fulfilled] etc.)

Anyway, I love coming around the bend and seeing him every time I get home. And I love that a chipmunk family has been living inside him for years now (the hole in his thigh is their front door).

Today I managed to get a picture of one of the naughty chipmunks (they always dig up the planters on the front porch!) playing with Buddha's topknot. 

Pic: Front yard friends--a chipmunk on the Buddha. 

show (and tell)

Pictured: Me, headed home from the Refashion show after walking for JN's line--the one she's calling "Ex-Boyfriend's Shirts: He Deserved It." (LOLOL). All the clothes JN showed today are made from men's shirts and are so comfortable + a bit cheeky. I loved being in this show--unlike shows twenty years ago, it seemed rich and diverse with people of all sizes, genders, body mods, etc. This is the way it should have been to start with?

Not pictured: All the work I did on that one writing project today. I keep thinking I just need one more day to complete it... and it's felt like that way for the past two weeks... I can't wait to be truly done!

still, life

as long as I don't try to explain
we're okay, we're alright 
and here I go again

like an ultrasound finding life
--ghostly, quiet, yearning
so sure of myself

my favorite part is when we try

to turn the city into a garden:

birds become seeds,

a river forks past trees dragging

desires, secrets, on its belly...  

vaporizes like a ghost

Pic: The Red Cedar, MSU.

first draft

what is even in my head today

                       how ever did I find my way 

to blessing the sweet, the weird

                        to reversing to pressing

through these unmarked doors

                       looking for I know not what

becoming... I know not who

                        there's something here maybe

suffering but gently... gently 

                       showing me cracks in the floor

and letting me pretend I can 

                       read them like lines on a map

Pic: Bone Appetit! Huck and Max stole some dinner napkins and then played with them... together!

things I learn

Things I learn from a graffito:
How am I supposed to forget about you
...when there's garbage on every street

Things I learn from a seven-year-old:
my sister is just four, and she has only one eye
I'm the one who needs to look out for her

Things I learn from the internet:
When you're a writer you have homework every day
and then you die

Pic: This giant hibiscus L gave me and Big A several wedding anniversaries ago hasn't bloomed in three-four years... But this year, it has been producing blooms profusely. Hallelujah.

summer sanctuary

I met just one writing deadline (of three) on Sunday and I have a CASA report due tomorrow. Like Lawrence Kasdan says, "being a writer is like having homework for the rest of your life." I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best I can. 

In the meantime, Big A keeps reminding me that it's summer. 

And Nu sweetly offered to go on a walk with me so I could talk through the knot in a writing project. We haven't gone yet... But I was so touched by their offer, which is exactly what I myself might have offered up to Nu or a student in a similar predicament.

Pic: Max insisting we take a break outside. I'm just so grateful for my patch of green, blue skies, a silly puppy, and time and health to enjoy them all.

diaspora

Had the afternoon not been a remedy
I would not have known to cross 
the hour with conversation 

to wash ashore with no introduction

getting there just in time 

to miss the show

the cast of my life files into the room

discussing the best moments

as if at an after party

speak welcome in hugs, hands, eyes 

I can understand in languages

I couldn't even name

Pic: The pond at MSU Beal Gardens. It was such a brilliant day today. I walked three hours: half by myself; half with Big A.

some summer enchantment

All my deadlines are tomorrow... But today, I got to celebrate BOL's name change with a wonderful party. We had it indoors since it threatened rain, but we went outside for the cake.

Oh, that cake! When Nu and I were brainstorming the party with BOL, they said they wanted the unicorn themed party they didn't have when they were five. With that mission statement, it was so easy to make a celebration that evoked the sense of possibility and magic that comes with BOL.

Pic: BOL with their unicorn cake; not pictured the guests who were my "bubble factory" adding an extra bit of magic to this picture.

crossing

a cargo of summer haze
where there were rocks

there's uncovered  sand 

                                      where there was sand

                                      is the tide  coming in 

                                      and   then it goes out  

I can barely remember

what we  left  behind

or  if  we  had  cried

                                      I just know that you 

                                      couldn't save us all

                                      you didn't even try

first you caught my eye

but then  looked  away

I  see  through  you 

                                     someday this crossing 

                                     may  be   different or 

                                      it could stay the same 

I  see  through   you

know whom to blame

I  see  through   you

Pic: Ducks on the Red Cedar.  Big A and I were supposed to go on a run in the morning, but it was 3:45 by the time we left and so hot I could barely run a mile. So we walked along the river instead.

Note: I can't stop thinking about the refugee boat off the Greek coast. 

going back

I have secretly sewn smiles 

into  the  hems  of clothes

that get wet wading nearer 

to you... so they will float

on down these hallways 

... of dreams, of memory 

rippling and in stillness,  

their history of undoing 

the heaviness of things

of even--yes--sweetness

its stickiness... catching

at skin and hair... circling

and scabbing selfishly, carrying

cells...  cities... of light into me

my face resting in your palms--

cupped like a nest...  like home

------------------------------

Pic: I have a vision in my head for this little patch of garden--I love working in it, and I love spending time in it--especially reading on the bench under the (volunteer, sapling) tree. But it looks simultaneously scanty and overgrown. I should probably consult a proper landscaper. 

Wild: fires, fireflies, and fireworks

We started the day with an air quality advisory about smoky air from the wildfires. But... it seemed (by smell and sight) like any other summer day to me. 

Nu and I picked At up from work and went to FedEx to get pics for their Indian visas. I was so happy to have them both with me, I was being silly behind the photographer--making funny faces and tap dancing. At promptly got a fit of the giggles, but Nu who had to take their glasses off for the picture, couldn't see me at all, and managed to keep a straight face in the picture. 

When At, Nu, and I took Max and Huck for a walk around the back... fireflies! Their appearance is so magical every year. And this year, because I've been taking baby pee-pee pants Max out so much, I haven't missed a single day of their joy-inducing luminosity.

When I dropped At off around eleven, there were fireworks in the sky as we drove through old town in Lansing--I'm glad I got to see them even if a day late--I guess I had missed their fiery simulation of all my favorite things (like flowers, like stars) yesterday after all.

Pic: A fuzzy picture of the surprise fireworks through the windshield.

quiet and close

Oh, such a quiet 4th around here. Just Nu, Huck, Max, and me. I don't think I've said yet that Big A's prescription-related accreditations didn't come through in time, so he's working in Milwaukee for another month. Boo. He's back tomorrow for a long stretch though. YAY!

But it was such a lovely, bright sunshiny day and Huck sunned herself outside--something she hasn't done since Scout, so I was so happy to see her get some of her old pastimes back. 

Nu was too peopled out from yesterday to go out, so we stayed home. We had plenty of leftovers from yesterday too and that worked out perfectly as it meant I didn't have to cook on my Boss Day. We played with the pups and watched shows and I got really close to finishing up The Whispers--a book I picked up from Sarah's June reading list--it's practically unputdownable. I'm saving the last handful of chapters for the tub tomorrow.

Ten years ago, I think such a quiet holiday would have given me anxiety about not doing the right thing or FOMO or something--but I do what I want these days. (Also feeling way less celebratory with stupid/corrupt SCOTUS decisions in the last week.)

Pic: Huck sunning herself; Max a little further away wondering if he should pounce on her.

aunts, talk, and tacos

Cousin N, the kids' aunt and godmother, brought my aunt (mom's sister) and uncle to visit. We're all in touch via text and phone nearly every day, and Cousin N and I have hung out at academic conferences. But it's still magical when you get together in person after years. Years. And nothing seems to have changed. 

I'm the oldest grandchild and my mom's three sisters apparently doted on me when I was a baby. But it's still so sweet/funny/comforting to hear my aunt describe, as she does every time, how besotted they were and how I was such-a-very-special-beautiful baby with all that hair and deep dimples. My kids and her kid are extremely indulgent and patient when this happens.

And too, it was so touching and comforting to notice my aunt use Nu's new formal name a few times and (as they told me after the visit) so did Nu.We are lucky. We know too many kids whose extended family will not validate them. Isn't it lovely when people can make love look so easy?

I made a taco bar and it turned out delicious (and it was good practice run for the upcoming party on Saturday). I think the trick was making/gussying up the accompaniments with fresh ingredients. And putting out pomegranate arils and slivers of pineapple along with the sliced serranos and limes made the lineup look fancy and interesting.

Pic: Our 'ussie'! At, Cousin N, Nu, Aunt, Uncle, and me. (I don't know why I decided I needed to put my hands in the air like I just don't care, but here we are.)
 

getting stuff done

By 8 am this morning, I had shopped the Anthropologie sale, made detailed plans for three upcoming things I'm hosting this month, ordered the party supplies, daydreamed about my trip to India, re-shelved some books in the rumpus room, looked up what I need to get the kids their India visas, rearranged the furniture in the rumpus room, taken Max out to pee twice, texted Big A, solved the Wordle... and looked at my writing a couple of times. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITING ALL THAT TIME! I made time for that work later in the day, but I keep thinking of those two hours I squandered.

Didn't manage to make it to UU today, but I did get the groceries, clean the floors, and work in the garden. It's At's Boss Day today so we went to the movie theater to watch Across the Spiderverse. At basically had Spiderman-themed birthdays from age 4 to 9, so this is very on brand. At wore pizza themed socks in honor of Peter Parker's pizza delivery job 🤗. The movie itself was a lot and kinda busy... After our food was delivered and eaten, I took a nice snooze and missed a ton of it. I'm sure At and Nu will watch it repeatedly when it's out on streaming, so I'll get caught up at some point; please don't worry about me. 

Pic: Someone has all their stuff in a row! The Red Cedar River on a very gray and rainy day.

(puppy-inspired) prayer (a doggerel piece) (made with Nu, in honor of Max!)

to just say yes

as never before

fast and eager

even if unsure 

I know now how

I may never fly

but yes to vistas

even if too high

Note: Made with Nu, in honor of Max!

Pic: Max with an assortment of disemboweled, decapitated, and dismembered toys. We'd just returned from NB's graduation open house and he was so happy to be reunited.

what it means when

I still have to name the day 
trees and clouds too--

a whole childhood

as constant as a backdrop 

unforgiven drama too

plus my tragic flaw

in a script guttural as grafitti 

plain as conflict too... 

close to call

what should I call this rush 

of happy-sad or sad-happy

touched with guilt 

Pic: Max and Huck are (to use Nu's word) "swarming" all over BL because they give the best scritches. I usually hide people's faces, but I didn't have to here!

bring me a higher... ed

I did not expect to see an article about ex-BIL, who teaches at the U of Toronto, in The Chronicle of Higher Ed. The story suggests he lost a job offer because graduate students at UCLA did not like that he expressed skepticism about DEI statements. It actually seems quite clear from the students' letter that the problem was not about his skepticism about DEI statements, but rather the implication that the way forward is to get rid of DEI statements instead of holding admin responsible for fulfilling them.* I think students were absolutely right to insist that since he specializes in morality and social values, “considerations of identity cannot accurately be disentangled from the study of prejudice and moral behavior”, and that his indifference to DEI initiatives therefore constituted fair grounds for not hiring him."  There are people who would absolutely lose their shit if you so much as thought they were racist or sexist, but at the same time strongly believe that racism and sexism happened in the long-ago past or only happen in other countries. If you're someone who aims for progress, they can be an incredible source of distraction and frustration. It makes sense not to invite people who are likely to take you back to a previous status quo when you mean to move forward. Thinking about all of this is particularly devastating today--on a day when the Supreme Court has just struck down affirmative action.

And in more bad news: "Three people were stabbed in a gender studies class at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, on Wednesday afternoon, including the class professor, whose identity the attacker confirmed before stabbing him." Of course, if this were the US, it would have been guns and not knives. And of course it is eerily reminiscent the Montreal Polytechnique massacre. And of course family and friends and colleagues have been expressing concern to/for me as I teach gender studies too. 

*Because admin sometimes does use the crafting or existence of institutional diversity statements as a virtue-signal. But statements are progress when compared to previous erasure and silence, and they can be used to hold college communities accountable.  

Pic: Apropos of nothing in this post, our clematis has been glorious for weeks this year.
 

interchange

Today, I am marvelous with waiting 

it barges in, changes everything

it becomes the answer

I'm like a Keats caught in the moment

or like a Cavafy lost inside it

it's almost an afterlife

there is rest, room, reason to believe 

there will be a rendezvous

with the still sky

with the whiteness of paper and screen 

and I will be mostly alone 

ecstatic with choice

Pic: Nu, Huck, and Max. Nu described this moment as "being *swarmed* with puppies."

notes on meetings and missives

*At our meeting today, one of my CASA kids said something that was heart-wrenching. It's a shame a crime how children have such little agency in their own lives.

* My sister sent me a list of the contents of sixteen boxes she's had shipped to me instead of herself (shipping costs to India are higher). I get to unbox everything this weekend and go shopping for big suitcases afterwards. I've been 'carryon only' these past few years, and don't have check-in size luggage anymore.

*I was at JG's for some long overdue hugs, presents, and catching up after her three months in Europe and then SD called while I was there to catch up after my Jamaica trip.  I'd always wanted JG and SD (friends from different times and places in my life) to meet, so I was able to do that over FaceTime today. (i.e. Once I figured out SD was on FaceTime and I removed my phone from my ear so she could see more than a nice closeup of my hair. Ha.) 

*Our UU pastor wrote to say that some youth from a rightwing organization have been showing up at meetings and services and targeting and "berating" members of the congregation. I've been too swamped to go to UU lately, but I'm sad this is happening and will try to be there in support this Sunday. (In similar news, JG's synagogue was informed by the FBI that they were the targets of a "credible bomb threat." What the heck is happening in Michigan?!)

*A punchy card from KB in the mail--I felt like she'd affectionately punched my shoulder and told me that I "got this." I felt very loved and also entertained because she memorably ended with "Fuck the assholes (but not really)." It's kind of funny and mysterious and my internal slogan since.

 Pic: Max post vaccinations at the vet yesterday, stolen from a post on the clinic's FB page.