homes, borders, flags

Super excited about leaving for India in ten days... Excited to see everyone and visit every place and eat everything... A bit anxious about giving a talk at my old undergraduate college... but super excited to be home, in the old country. 

In my own anticipation of crossing borders, the hype about the new Indiana Jones and the Oppenheimer movies are beginning to bother me.  Did they really make a full-length movie about Oppenheimer's tortured genius without representing a single Japanese person? 

Anyway--walking, (window) shopping, and snacking my way through downtown East Lansing with JG today, Stephanie Syjuco's "Rogue States" at The Broad Museum really spoke to me. It's an installation of flags of fictional nation states from movies (incl. "Hatay" from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade). A "convention of collective anxiety" about nations that are positioned as "terrorist, backward, resistant, or unstable."

Pic: My second time with Stephanie Syjuco's "Rogue States" this year. The first time was with EM. 

a forgotten summer list

Between the travel and deadlines, I totally forgot to make a summer list this year...

But summer things are still happening anyway. At a breakneck pace these days.

We're entertaining for the next three days (three very different things), have houseguests the weekend after, and then it's off to India... eep.

And as Nu said dolefully: when we come back from India, summer vacation will almost be over. I wanted to redirect and say we ought to enjoy the moment and that we have a whole month left, but NGL--I lowkey feel the way Nu does too.

Pic: Big A, Huck, and Max roasting veggie dogs.

lingering

what is the correct tense for promise

for the butterflies you tried to catch

like the meaning in unknown words 

when you learn loving less is useless

what might we say or sing or pray

aligning the trembling fall of leaves

--if you're still listening, do you hear

content rustling in the fleeing day... 

Pic: A bud vase with wildflowers to take upstairs to Nu.

Max-imum love

Max is a delight. As At says, he's completely unselfconscious and a "goofy-ass" puppy. Max is pure puppyness: He sits down and then unintentionally ends up rolling over; he trips over himself; he sploots; I once saw him pay attention to a deer jump over the fence and then for a while he picked up his feet and leapt like a deer himself; when I sweep up a mess, he moves his head like he's watching a scintillating tennis match.

Nu hasn't laughed quite like this... in years. Nu hasn't been adored quite like this... in years. Max wakes Huckie up to play whenever he wants to, he cuddles up to Huckie because he wants to, when it's dinner time Huckie eats at least partly out of competition. Max is so good at animating poor grieving Huckie. Scout would have loved Max.

Big A and I both tear up when we talk about Scout--that doesn't look like it will change any time soon (never). I expected that. I didn't expect that we'd have reasons to laugh quite so much despite it all. I'm surprised at how much my heart can still grow.

 Pic: Nu and Max playing 'Pat-a-cake'

pushing luck

I found FOUR four-leaved clovers while walking with Max and Huck this evening. 

(At least I think they're clover? They might well be shamrock or oxalis or some other weed.)

(Anyway, they were in a patch with other mostly three-leaved things, so I'm counting these lucky.)

I got lots of respect for this feat from At (who came to dinner today) and Nu. It reminded me of a long ago moment in 2008... 

I'm keeping one for myself; the other three are for some people I know who need a good shot of good luck too.

Pic: four-leaved clover haul on the kitchen counter.

summer fullness

Still frozen in the same place on the writing project--convinced that I'll be satisfied if I work on it for just another 24 hours. Perhaps it's time to send it off to the editor and let them tell me what I need to fix?  Perhaps it needs to live in someone else's brain for a while.

In the afternoon, I took myself off to HS's annual garden party, which, as always, was a treat. An unexpected treat was the live jazz band that set up in the dining room and was absolutely fantastic. 

The last time H.S. had their garden party was in the year before the pandemic... it was impossible not to reflect on how much has changed since the last time and simultaneously feel that familiar sense of return about so much else.   

I feel so replete with flowers, friends, music... and food. So full of food: The whole afternoon repast at HS's, then dumplings and stir-fry at home, and then a second dinner as Nu wanted a pizza snack but only if I would share it with them.

Pic: A partial view of HS's beautiful garden. Someday I will have a beautiful garden too and deer won't eat it.

the ones we live with

Big A gave me a big Buddha statue for Christmas in 2015. When I sat the Bodhisattva outside the front door of our old house, Scout and Huck lost their minds and barked at him all day. He's weathered now from being outside in all kinds of weather... and when we moved to this house, he sustained an injury. A quarter-sized hole opened up in his thigh and we realized he was hollow inside. 

(I'm realizing this is a strange story--Buddha at Christmas, the puppies losing their calm around him,  him being hollow rather than fully filled [fulfilled] etc.)

Anyway, I love coming around the bend and seeing him every time I get home. And I love that a chipmunk family has been living inside him for years now (the hole in his thigh is their front door).

Today I managed to get a picture of one of the naughty chipmunks (they always dig up the planters on the front porch!) playing with Buddha's topknot. 

Pic: Front yard friends--a chipmunk on the Buddha. 

show (and tell)

Pictured: Me, headed home from the Refashion show after walking for JN's line--the one she's calling "Ex-Boyfriend's Shirts: He Deserved It." (LOLOL). All the clothes JN showed today are made from men's shirts and are so comfortable + a bit cheeky. I loved being in this show--unlike shows twenty years ago, it seemed rich and diverse with people of all sizes, genders, body mods, etc. This is the way it should have been to start with?

Not pictured: All the work I did on that one writing project today. I keep thinking I just need one more day to complete it... and it's felt like that way for the past two weeks... I can't wait to be truly done!

still, life

as long as I don't try to explain
we're okay, we're alright 
and here I go again

like an ultrasound finding life
--ghostly, quiet, yearning
so sure of myself

my favorite part is when we try

to turn the city into a garden:

birds become seeds,

a river forks past trees dragging

desires, secrets, on its belly...  

vaporizes like a ghost

Pic: The Red Cedar, MSU.

first draft

what is even in my head today

                       how ever did I find my way 

to blessing the sweet, the weird

                        to reversing to pressing

through these unmarked doors

                       looking for I know not what

becoming... I know not who

                        there's something here maybe

suffering but gently... gently 

                       showing me cracks in the floor

and letting me pretend I can 

                       read them like lines on a map

Pic: Bone Appetit! Huck and Max stole some dinner napkins and then played with them... together!

things I learn

Things I learn from a graffito:
How am I supposed to forget about you
...when there's garbage on every street

Things I learn from a seven-year-old:
my sister is just four, and she has only one eye
I'm the one who needs to look out for her

Things I learn from the internet:
When you're a writer you have homework every day
and then you die

Pic: This giant hibiscus L gave me and Big A several wedding anniversaries ago hasn't bloomed in three-four years... But this year, it has been producing blooms profusely. Hallelujah.

summer sanctuary

I met just one writing deadline (of three) on Sunday and I have a CASA report due tomorrow. Like Lawrence Kasdan says, "being a writer is like having homework for the rest of your life." I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the best I can. 

In the meantime, Big A keeps reminding me that it's summer. 

And Nu sweetly offered to go on a walk with me so I could talk through the knot in a writing project. We haven't gone yet... But I was so touched by their offer, which is exactly what I myself might have offered up to Nu or a student in a similar predicament.

Pic: Max insisting we take a break outside. I'm just so grateful for my patch of green, blue skies, a silly puppy, and time and health to enjoy them all.

diaspora

Had the afternoon not been a remedy
I would not have known to cross 
the hour with conversation 

to wash ashore with no introduction

getting there just in time 

to miss the show

the cast of my life files into the room

discussing the best moments

as if at an after party

speak welcome in hugs, hands, eyes 

I can understand in languages

I couldn't even name

Pic: The pond at MSU Beal Gardens. It was such a brilliant day today. I walked three hours: half by myself; half with Big A.

some summer enchantment

All my deadlines are tomorrow... But today, I got to celebrate BOL's name change with a wonderful party. We had it indoors since it threatened rain, but we went outside for the cake.

Oh, that cake! When Nu and I were brainstorming the party with BOL, they said they wanted the unicorn themed party they didn't have when they were five. With that mission statement, it was so easy to make a celebration that evoked the sense of possibility and magic that comes with BOL.

Pic: BOL with their unicorn cake; not pictured the guests who were my "bubble factory" adding an extra bit of magic to this picture.

crossing

a cargo of summer haze
where there were rocks

there's uncovered  sand 

                                      where there was sand

                                      is the tide  coming in 

                                      and   then it goes out  

I can barely remember

what we  left  behind

or  if  we  had  cried

                                      I just know that you 

                                      couldn't save us all

                                      you didn't even try

first you caught my eye

but then  looked  away

I  see  through  you 

                                     someday this crossing 

                                     may  be   different or 

                                      it could stay the same 

I  see  through   you

know whom to blame

I  see  through   you

Pic: Ducks on the Red Cedar.  Big A and I were supposed to go on a run in the morning, but it was 3:45 by the time we left and so hot I could barely run a mile. So we walked along the river instead.

Note: I can't stop thinking about the refugee boat off the Greek coast. 

going back

I have secretly sewn smiles 

into  the  hems  of clothes

that get wet wading nearer 

to you... so they will float

on down these hallways 

... of dreams, of memory 

rippling and in stillness,  

their history of undoing 

the heaviness of things

of even--yes--sweetness

its stickiness... catching

at skin and hair... circling

and scabbing selfishly, carrying

cells...  cities... of light into me

my face resting in your palms--

cupped like a nest...  like home

------------------------------

Pic: I have a vision in my head for this little patch of garden--I love working in it, and I love spending time in it--especially reading on the bench under the (volunteer, sapling) tree. But it looks simultaneously scanty and overgrown. I should probably consult a proper landscaper. 

Wild: fires, fireflies, and fireworks

We started the day with an air quality advisory about smoky air from the wildfires. But... it seemed (by smell and sight) like any other summer day to me. 

Nu and I picked At up from work and went to FedEx to get pics for their Indian visas. I was so happy to have them both with me, I was being silly behind the photographer--making funny faces and tap dancing. At promptly got a fit of the giggles, but Nu who had to take their glasses off for the picture, couldn't see me at all, and managed to keep a straight face in the picture. 

When At, Nu, and I took Max and Huck for a walk around the back... fireflies! Their appearance is so magical every year. And this year, because I've been taking baby pee-pee pants Max out so much, I haven't missed a single day of their joy-inducing luminosity.

When I dropped At off around eleven, there were fireworks in the sky as we drove through old town in Lansing--I'm glad I got to see them even if a day late--I guess I had missed their fiery simulation of all my favorite things (like flowers, like stars) yesterday after all.

Pic: A fuzzy picture of the surprise fireworks through the windshield.

quiet and close

Oh, such a quiet 4th around here. Just Nu, Huck, Max, and me. I don't think I've said yet that Big A's prescription-related accreditations didn't come through in time, so he's working in Milwaukee for another month. Boo. He's back tomorrow for a long stretch though. YAY!

But it was such a lovely, bright sunshiny day and Huck sunned herself outside--something she hasn't done since Scout, so I was so happy to see her get some of her old pastimes back. 

Nu was too peopled out from yesterday to go out, so we stayed home. We had plenty of leftovers from yesterday too and that worked out perfectly as it meant I didn't have to cook on my Boss Day. We played with the pups and watched shows and I got really close to finishing up The Whispers--a book I picked up from Sarah's June reading list--it's practically unputdownable. I'm saving the last handful of chapters for the tub tomorrow.

Ten years ago, I think such a quiet holiday would have given me anxiety about not doing the right thing or FOMO or something--but I do what I want these days. (Also feeling way less celebratory with stupid/corrupt SCOTUS decisions in the last week.)

Pic: Huck sunning herself; Max a little further away wondering if he should pounce on her.

aunts, talk, and tacos

Cousin N, the kids' aunt and godmother, brought my aunt (mom's sister) and uncle to visit. We're all in touch via text and phone nearly every day, and Cousin N and I have hung out at academic conferences. But it's still magical when you get together in person after years. Years. And nothing seems to have changed. 

I'm the oldest grandchild and my mom's three sisters apparently doted on me when I was a baby. But it's still so sweet/funny/comforting to hear my aunt describe, as she does every time, how besotted they were and how I was such-a-very-special-beautiful baby with all that hair and deep dimples. My kids and her kid are extremely indulgent and patient when this happens.

And too, it was so touching and comforting to notice my aunt use Nu's new formal name a few times and (as they told me after the visit) so did Nu.We are lucky. We know too many kids whose extended family will not validate them. Isn't it lovely when people can make love look so easy?

I made a taco bar and it turned out delicious (and it was good practice run for the upcoming party on Saturday). I think the trick was making/gussying up the accompaniments with fresh ingredients. And putting out pomegranate arils and slivers of pineapple along with the sliced serranos and limes made the lineup look fancy and interesting.

Pic: Our 'ussie'! At, Cousin N, Nu, Aunt, Uncle, and me. (I don't know why I decided I needed to put my hands in the air like I just don't care, but here we are.)
 

getting stuff done

By 8 am this morning, I had shopped the Anthropologie sale, made detailed plans for three upcoming things I'm hosting this month, ordered the party supplies, daydreamed about my trip to India, re-shelved some books in the rumpus room, looked up what I need to get the kids their India visas, rearranged the furniture in the rumpus room, taken Max out to pee twice, texted Big A, solved the Wordle... and looked at my writing a couple of times. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITING ALL THAT TIME! I made time for that work later in the day, but I keep thinking of those two hours I squandered.

Didn't manage to make it to UU today, but I did get the groceries, clean the floors, and work in the garden. It's At's Boss Day today so we went to the movie theater to watch Across the Spiderverse. At basically had Spiderman-themed birthdays from age 4 to 9, so this is very on brand. At wore pizza themed socks in honor of Peter Parker's pizza delivery job 🤗. The movie itself was a lot and kinda busy... After our food was delivered and eaten, I took a nice snooze and missed a ton of it. I'm sure At and Nu will watch it repeatedly when it's out on streaming, so I'll get caught up at some point; please don't worry about me. 

Pic: Someone has all their stuff in a row! The Red Cedar River on a very gray and rainy day.

(puppy-inspired) prayer (a doggerel piece) (made with Nu, in honor of Max!)

to just say yes

as never before

fast and eager

even if unsure 

I know now how

I may never fly

but yes to vistas

even if too high

Note: Made with Nu, in honor of Max!

Pic: Max with an assortment of disemboweled, decapitated, and dismembered toys. We'd just returned from NB's graduation open house and he was so happy to be reunited.

what it means when

I still have to name the day 
trees and clouds too--

a whole childhood

as constant as a backdrop 

unforgiven drama too

plus my tragic flaw

in a script guttural as grafitti 

plain as conflict too... 

close to call

what should I call this rush 

of happy-sad or sad-happy

touched with guilt 

Pic: Max and Huck are (to use Nu's word) "swarming" all over BL because they give the best scritches. I usually hide people's faces, but I didn't have to here!

bring me a higher... ed

I did not expect to see an article about ex-BIL, who teaches at the U of Toronto, in The Chronicle of Higher Ed. The story suggests he lost a job offer because graduate students at UCLA did not like that he expressed skepticism about DEI statements. It actually seems quite clear from the students' letter that the problem was not about his skepticism about DEI statements, but rather the implication that the way forward is to get rid of DEI statements instead of holding admin responsible for fulfilling them.* I think students were absolutely right to insist that since he specializes in morality and social values, “considerations of identity cannot accurately be disentangled from the study of prejudice and moral behavior”, and that his indifference to DEI initiatives therefore constituted fair grounds for not hiring him."  There are people who would absolutely lose their shit if you so much as thought they were racist or sexist, but at the same time strongly believe that racism and sexism happened in the long-ago past or only happen in other countries. If you're someone who aims for progress, they can be an incredible source of distraction and frustration. It makes sense not to invite people who are likely to take you back to a previous status quo when you mean to move forward. Thinking about all of this is particularly devastating today--on a day when the Supreme Court has just struck down affirmative action.

And in more bad news: "Three people were stabbed in a gender studies class at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, on Wednesday afternoon, including the class professor, whose identity the attacker confirmed before stabbing him." Of course, if this were the US, it would have been guns and not knives. And of course it is eerily reminiscent the Montreal Polytechnique massacre. And of course family and friends and colleagues have been expressing concern to/for me as I teach gender studies too. 

*Because admin sometimes does use the crafting or existence of institutional diversity statements as a virtue-signal. But statements are progress when compared to previous erasure and silence, and they can be used to hold college communities accountable.  

Pic: Apropos of nothing in this post, our clematis has been glorious for weeks this year.
 

interchange

Today, I am marvelous with waiting 

it barges in, changes everything

it becomes the answer

I'm like a Keats caught in the moment

or like a Cavafy lost inside it

it's almost an afterlife

there is rest, room, reason to believe 

there will be a rendezvous

with the still sky

with the whiteness of paper and screen 

and I will be mostly alone 

ecstatic with choice

Pic: Nu, Huck, and Max. Nu described this moment as "being *swarmed* with puppies."

notes on meetings and missives

*At our meeting today, one of my CASA kids said something that was heart-wrenching. It's a shame a crime how children have such little agency in their own lives.

* My sister sent me a list of the contents of sixteen boxes she's had shipped to me instead of herself (shipping costs to India are higher). I get to unbox everything this weekend and go shopping for big suitcases afterwards. I've been 'carryon only' these past few years, and don't have check-in size luggage anymore.

*I was at JG's for some long overdue hugs, presents, and catching up after her three months in Europe and then SD called while I was there to catch up after my Jamaica trip.  I'd always wanted JG and SD (friends from different times and places in my life) to meet, so I was able to do that over FaceTime today. (i.e. Once I figured out SD was on FaceTime and I removed my phone from my ear so she could see more than a nice closeup of my hair. Ha.) 

*Our UU pastor wrote to say that some youth from a rightwing organization have been showing up at meetings and services and targeting and "berating" members of the congregation. I've been too swamped to go to UU lately, but I'm sad this is happening and will try to be there in support this Sunday. (In similar news, JG's synagogue was informed by the FBI that they were the targets of a "credible bomb threat." What the heck is happening in Michigan?!)

*A punchy card from KB in the mail--I felt like she'd affectionately punched my shoulder and told me that I "got this." I felt very loved and also entertained because she memorably ended with "Fuck the assholes (but not really)." It's kind of funny and mysterious and my internal slogan since.

 Pic: Max post vaccinations at the vet yesterday, stolen from a post on the clinic's FB page.

"in the middle"

NGS celebrated the beginning of summer like a proper grown up at the summer solstice. I realized I've been celebrating summer since Memorial Day--when the public pools open--as the unofficial start of summer. The Solstice gave me a bit of a pang actually: the days are getting a bit shorter, it marks midsummer, and is a reminder that we're halfway through summer vacation.

In any case, we're certainly right in the middle of things--summer projects, deadlines, delays... all of it! 

Started the day with a work meeting on Teams and ditched the last fifteen minutes to take Max to his first vet appointment. This champion baby has doubled in weight and didn't whimper or even wince when he got his shots or his microchip. He also barfed like a champion in the car both ways though, and I was glad to have Big A so I could just cuddle Max while A did the gross clean up. Also: I was crying all day since it's the first time I've been back at the vet since Scout. There was a candle in the reception area (to request silence--when it's lit it means someone is saying goodbye to a pet) and Big A sweetly tried to block what I could see with his body, and get me to just go to the car, but I still caught a glimpse as I exited.

I locked my sad and grumpy self up for some deep work and then my last meeting of the day was a fitting. Who knew when I stopped modeling 20+ years ago that I'd have a chance at picking it up in someplace not New York again? Ha. It's for a friend who's designing for a local charity event called 'Refashion' where old materials are repurposed, and I'm honored to be helping. Nicole had warned about menopausal gains, and I realized when JN did my measurements that my "middle" measurements were different. Ha ha ha and c'est sera, sera.

Pic: A cardinal in the garden. I saw a hummingbird the other day too. Aren't both supposed to be visitors from the the other world? 

Note: Jimmy Eats World's "In the Middle" is not a song I particularly enjoy and yet it follows me around on every radio station I enjoy. 

clan

genes cling like ghosts

as they sketch the tides

of tomorrow and today

time flies, hours flower,

smiles wake then to sing

in the tune of our bodies

of how we are built bone

by bone, and so sensitive 

of seasons not yet come 

in the rustle of the years

see flashes of possibility

all the strange certainties 

of dust and of distance

in the middle of things

coiling through our kin

Pic: Nu, Big A, and Grandma S.

 

six exclamations on Saturday

MIL tells Max to get "four on the floor." I think he gets "sit" most of the time, but he hasn't worked his way up to rhyming slang yet. HA

L is off to Cuba with suitcases full of school supplies as everything is in short supply over there... I snuck in some silk scarves for our friends Y and C because I wanted them to have presents too. Later, as I pulled stuff off the pantry and freezer shelves to make dinner, I thought a lot about how I take having 'stuff' for granted. UGH

Big A, a U-Haul truck, and the last day of the apartment in Milwaukee. YAY YAY YAY

As I chatted to family at various points today (mom, aunts, uncle, sister, MIL), and answered questions people were asking, I realized things just aren't going smoothly for us. I tend to focus on good things (coping mechanism?), but... YIKES

I planted more geraniums and marigolds in the garden today. Not because they're my summer favorites, but because deer leave those alone most of the time. I try to give the deer a pass because everyone has to eat, but it's summer and there's a yard full of green foliage they could have with no rancor from me. Leave the flowers alone, deer. DANG

Pic: Nu and their Grandma S went to ukulele camp together and got their picture taken with the giant ukulele. AW

going away

somewhere between here and everywhere 

and expanded by prayer

a day dissolves, alive with things we need

to rescue us again and again 

like: the overlapping wisp of a forgotten song;

seas hinged by storms;

butterflies who crawl shyly before their flight; 

it's never for nothing

Pic: On the Red Cedar, I found this strange fellow--a bearded blue heron, right?

 

"back to life, back to reality"

At and Nu were lovely while Big A and I were gone: they took care of themselves and the puppy sibs, attended Pride events together, hosted DSA-related meetings here, and kept the house neat through it all. So while I did a complete vacuuming, cleaning, and restocking of the house today, I didn't have to navigate any big messes--just the little ones that no one but me notices.

But I kept vacation vibes going with two long hikes with Big A. Then we vented and backup planned about the delay in his Michigan job, I worked on the garden (deer ate our hostas and annual flowers again), and Big A worked on replacing the mailbox that someone ran into last week. 

Also: I joined a new committee at work (the invitation came from someone I want to work with), am thinking about volunteering for taking on an extra overload course at work next year (we've had a sad and surprise departure in the department), and reassured an editor that I'll have work to them by the end of next week according to our schedule (I hope it's not wishful thinking).

We got home yesterday, but today felt like we were really back!

Pic: Big A with Huckie and Max. Not a very good picture, but it makes me smile--all of it: Huckie's side eye, Max's proprietary paw, the fact that Big A is still wearing the two-dollar bead bracelet I got him...
 

moving on with joy

Once in a way there's a travel picture of me that tells me about myself. Last year, the picture of me at Sagrada Familia reminded me of the experience of awe in the face of beauty.

The picture here reminds me that I am capable of silliness and joy. A touchstone to keep me going in the colder/harsher/busier months of the year... 

We were only gone for five days, but it was such a reset in so many ways, it feels so much longer.

Pic: Under a waterfall in the hotel swimming pool.

Jamaica 

so blue

A walk by myself this morning to say goodbye to this incredible blend of sea-sky-horizon blues.

Pic: From the boardwalk.

Jamaica (Day #5 LaterPost)

hanging out

Every day is for falling asleep in the sunshine cradled in hammocks and rocked by sea breezes...

Pic: Adjoining hammocks for me and Big A.

Jamaica (Day #4 LaterPost)

 

daydrinking / celebrating

We rarely drink anymore, so the sun and a second cocktail are all it takes to feel like a circus.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Pic: Sitting around in wet swimmies with drinks on the patio.

Jamaica (Day #3 LaterPost)

basic beach

I can't believe I'm actually on the beach! I love the vacation sunglasses I got online; I plan to wear them everywhere...

Pic: On the beach right after breakfast.

Jamaica (Day #2 LaterPost)

 

and off we go!

We had to leave at 4:15 am to make our flight...

We're masking less and less these days, but airplanes and elevators still make me anxious. Even if it's not Covid, I don't want your cooties, thank you very much. 

Pic: On the plane to Montego Bay 

Jamaica (Day #1 LaterPost)

so long

A day of goodbyes: an early morning stroll with L who is "on call" while At is in charge of the younger sibs, visits with my CASA kids, drinks with girlfriends this evening, extended hugs and detailed notes for the kids, wondering what Max will make of my absence...

Still unresolved: some packing dilemmas and general anxiety. I just gave myself a stern talking-to about how incongruous it is to be panicking about vacation. 

Pic: Waterlilies waking up; at MSU Radiology Gardens with L.

(as if) I am

I am not afraid of what I wished for 

I am a rock, I can grow old--

though tides pass over me like words 

for feelings I don't know

I sit still as breath in a shell, wonder

which side of sleep I am on

I open my arms to show you how big
but the ocean is already gone

Note: I guess I'm already daydreaming about sitting oceanside, although that's not till the end of the week. I'm so excited...

Pic: Max and Huck post groomer's. Max has such heart-emoji eyes for their big sib. Huck has somehow already lost their bandana.

bird by bird (or sheep by sheep)

Ok, it's past 3:00 am and I really should go to be in bed, but: 

• Huck and Max are cuddling on my feet,
• I've been working on the online course assignments that came with my service enlistment after a kind and encouraging reminder from the course facilitator, 
• Big A is at work and texting me and I kind of really like chatting with him;
• I need to check in on my sister who's fractured her hand and she is in a timezone that's 10 hours ahead, 
• I have to finish writing this,
• I want to read some more before I fall asleep. I'm currently reading the final installment of Hilary Mantel's Cromwell trilogy and love old Thomas more than any self-respecting socialist should.
• etc. I have a lot more B.S. excuses for my sleep procrastination.

Next week, after I come back from vacation, I'm going to make sleep hygiene a priority. But one thing at a time. As the wonderful Anne Lamott says in another context, I should take it "bird by bird."

Pic: I was so delighted I got a warbling goldfinch in this shot! MSU Horticultural Gardens with L. 

mailboxes etc.

Things have shifted into a sweet, summer mode now that Nu's school is on break too. It has been quite the year for Nu, and it has been an education for me to watch as they worked on themselves and worked things out. I'm happy and proud... and reassured by this year. It's not how I would do things, but that's the whole point isn't it? 

This evening, as we were coming back from duct taping the mailbox back to its post (someone seems to have backed into it quite violently), we were laughing over finding a piece of the car that must have done it and styling ourselves as detectives. I cannot imagine either of us responding this way a year ago. I feel such deep gratitude for our journey. 

Pic: Red Cedar rapids this morning; just me, myself, and I.

resisting the spiral

Getting caught up with mail this weekend, the card from the Humane Society (I thought it was going to be a request for donations) turned out to be a sweet and unexpected gut punch. It was a note to inform me that SV--a colleague I've met a total of two times--had made a donation in Scout's name. What a lovely and thoughtful gesture--I'm making a note of it as something I can do for other people in the future. 

My email notifications have got me feeling a bit overwhelmed. On top of all the other work things that haven't let up, a service thing (ACUE) I was invited to seems like it will require about eight hours of dedicated time weekly for the next month and a half when I'd allocated just one hour, and... ack. I really need a break.

I've managed a handful of hours on my writing project and a ton of hours on research, so there's something solid in that column. I have writing projects with EM, BR, and Big A that will need my attention too. I guess I'll have to sit down and make decisions about time and what exactly I'm hoping to get done with each thing and why. After I get through this week. After I get through this week. After I get through this week. 

One of my goals for this weekend was to read in the hammock with a popsicle. I didn't make it. 

But I did get a ton of lovely hangs with family and friends (LB, EM, LBT), Nu picked Poke for their Boss Day dinner today--so that was delicious and low/no effort, and as I realize every time I take Max outside--it's so very lovely and everything seems so soft and fragrant from our sweet summer rain this weekend. And also, in this good column, three poems I submitted to an anthology were accepted! My second anthology acceptance this year!

Pic: A still from Big A's video of Max and Huck playing together. 

underworld

the storm stills, hovers 

over the house

in a rictus of yearning

turning to rage

shaking the sky loose 

I memorize clouds

marvel how it could be 

different with you

just defying every ending

--come back

under the sky, our world

the better one

*

Pic: MSU Rose Gardens with L. We found the roses near their peak and we became like birds ourselves: flitting from bush to bush, our noses to the blooms, excitedly exclaiming over each bouquet...

so close

I dreamed these walls  myself

my body punished by my will

triumphant, exalted, indelible

returning excuses to their core

other words are still wondering

on  pages or screens--no  matter

my meaning sputters on oblique

margins, vanishing on the shore

*

Pic: Cherries are almost ripe for plucking! I plucked a few today anyway because between the birds and the squirrels, waiting until they're really ripe might mean no cherries at all. There's plenty to go around, after all. (Why are the little creatures so wasteful though? It's like they take one peck/nibble and then it's on to the next cherry.)

does grief make you mean?

I've been feeling quite irritable lately. Things that shouldn't be a big deal--like people asking me for instructions on how to do something for the fifth time (when they haven't even tried to do the thing yet), or people saying they did something by accident because they didn't know that wasn't allowed (when we had specifically talked about it), or people saying they'd do something and then just not doing it (which leaves me scrambling at the last minute)--are just irritating the eff out of me these days. 

I don't know if some B.S. detector switch has flipped in my brain or if it's business as usual and grief has nudged out extra emotions making them conspicuous to me. Either way, I'm finding it difficult to live with this version of me. I'd prefer to be the old me who could tap into compassion rather than irritation. Time to up the meditation, I think.

Pic: Sunrise with Huck and Max. They make me laugh.

now and then

I loved Nicole and NGS saying that yesterday's Wordle was a sign from Scout (in the comments). Scout was fairly illiterate in his earthly life, but I like the idea of a lettered Scout in the afterlife... he did have a terrific vocabulary of 100+ and was always very intelligent... Like we always had to take luggage out to the car when he was in the yard because he knew suitcases meant a separation.

My writer friend DL lost their family's Sophie this week, and they wrote the most moving and FUNNY eulogy. I love this last line so much: "In lieu of flowers, the family requests you go outside and give a good sniff to your friends and loved ones." Hug-laugh-sob.

Out in the world, my NYC friends are posting apocalyptic air quality pictures, and even we had hazy skies and an angry red sun long after sunrise this morning . It's only June and already wildfires are shifting into the 'uncontrollable' category.

Pic: Goslings, so fuzzy-wuzzy, along The Red Cedar while Big A protected me from the pugnacious parents.

puzzling

a prickle of certainty grows

--premonition, of nearing 

the end of a maze

                                        --the tangled day; then Wordle

                                        coyly unscrambles, hints

                                        your name back to me

                                                                                          I'm repeating: I'm ok, I'm ok,

                                                                                          I'm ok--and edit the evening

                                                                                          into ordinariness

for a while, we tricked the universe

into letting us be in the world 

at the same time

                                                          Now, call as I might, I know that 

                                                          I'll have to come to you--you 

                                                          will not return to me