Wordle to the rescue

 Wordle scores are really worth nothing, but somehow they turned out to be super important to me this summer. 

This summer has been a time of disruption: Big A's new job in a different state (WI since June-July); Nu's health (ER in May and June, outpatient all July); stalled house and roof repairs (since May and ongoing). I want to acknowledge how these big things led to lots of secondary issues: I got no significant writing done, my garden and garden plans were obliterated, bills are mounting, ditto anxiety, and on and on. 

Wordle to the rescue. Turns out that at least once a day, I can control and solve something. And Big A and I use the same starter word, so there's an unofficial competition. I currently hold the family crown for solves in the least number of moves--solving over a hundred games on the third move. I see my stats and give myself a moment of applause.

adult-child

In my head At may be a baby/toddler/kid/young adult... but in actuality, he's 23; an adult. And  relationally speaking, also my child. Navigating being loving and supportive without being intrusive has been something I've been conscious of working on for a while now. 

Parenthood's most persistent fear has been about losing my kids (to disaster/ill health). So it was horrifying to read about another take on this loss in the pull quote on this article about parent-child estrangement in The Atlantic: "you can be a conscientious parent and your kid may still want nothing to do with you when they’re older." 

The article then goes on to say that there are usually reasons for parent-child estrangement even if it has to do with how the parent and the child see the past differently. 

Very yikes. A cautionary tale, I guess, but what can anyone do about the past anyway?

Pic: Eyde Woods; The Red Cedar River muddy post rain.

safekeeping

some nights still ignite memory

for surely, the before times have now ended 

these are the final days of now
we'll yet, plot a way forward at lines's end

to hearts that can highlight us
even if, the burning map descends over us

I can turn my back to the bullets

my friends, like a coward or a rebel or a child

unexpected sweetness

When we dropped Big A off at the train station the other day, I noticed a huge new sports complex on Service Rd., so I took L and Nu to see it on this morning's walk.  

Except--by the time we marveled over how quickly the complex had gone up and commiserated over how we wouldn't be able to traipse over the fields as a shortcut as we used to--there was a very long and slow train stuck on the tracks blocking our way home. 

Thankfully, Nu suggested we go to Chapelure, and thankfully, I carry a credit card on the little pocket on my phone so we did. Coffee for L, tea for me, a three-course breakfast for Nu, a chance to sit on the patio and pretend we were in Paris (Nu had a croissant), and it was an unexpected treat on an ordinary Friday morning.

Pic: When LB and TB came over for dinner, they brought this arrangement of flowers from their garden. It's arranged in a sundae glass and has two straws it it. So cute!

haphazardly

I sent a 15-second loop of the Red Cedar flowing under the Spartan Bridge to the family chat, because I felt we could all use it today. 

*

I walked A LOT today: four miles with Nu, two miles with Big A after Nu's medical appointment and my NWSA meeting, and then another four miles by myself because I felt kind of jumpy and wanted to tire myself out. 

*

SD, my dear friend of 25 years who lives in DC and was going to spend the rest of the week with us here, had to postpone her trip due to a Covid exposure. But we already have a new date and new plans: she's going to come in the last week of September and maybe visit one of my classes, so I'm excited about that. 

*

An unlooked for bonus is that I'd arranged for small dinner parties tomorrow and the day after to entertain her. Those gatherings are still happening, so it'll still be somewhat convivial around here.  

(Work in) Progress

I was blown away when I saw this de-construction of progress, and am pinning this for myself and everyone I know. I hope I remember to refer to it when Nu feels he's backsliding or At feels he's stagnating or students feel overwhelmed.

[It fits perfectly with how I'm hating on civilization and our definitions of progress right now because I'm rereading Karen Joy Fowler's We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves.]

Big A is in town, so we did a "Books and Burritos" night, going to the bookstore and swinging by At's branch of Chipotle. It's At's Boss Day, so we'd planned it around surprising him... he was more like taken aback. Later he texted: "Sorry I looked bad and was so stressed." That very nearly broke my heart. Their NLRB election date is 8/25; we're all crossing fingers and holding our breath...

we won't talk (about)

suggestion

no one called out but I looked again

tree light pouring through me

provocation

where I once felt nothing but abyss

I hear love spread like a gasp 

acceleration 

tonight I may fall for rumors and loss

for I will never stop migrating 

emanation 

ask me how I can show up alone again

jumping from caesura to synapse

Pic: Baker Woods with L and Nu.

Note: Last week's cousin trip didn't happen because someone tested positive for Covid; this week's SD visit might not happen because someone else tested positive for Covid... I am so tired of this pandemic and missing people I really want to see.

perfection

Whatever else this summer throws at me, I got this one perfect summer day in: not a single looming deadline; a long chat with my sister; a long walk with Nu up to the Spartan statue at the stadium and back (the full Sparty!); yoga with Big A (via Portal); picked up sticks in the backyard with Scout and Huck (and it made them CRAZY); finished my book in the hammock (Cheryl Strayed); ate mangoes and cherries and chocolate all day; soaked in the tub till I got pruney because my phone, which was on shuffle, magically played all the best songs; ate leftovers from dinners past for dinner; shared a mango creamsicle with the puppies; played Truth or Dare with the fam; made plans with EM and SD; got a chat with At and got him on the family calendar for next week. 

My peace. My priorities. My pleasure. 

At the end of the day, perhaps I shouldn't have eaten a whole BAR of hazelnut Chocolove, but at the time it seemed both imperative and enjoyable.

Pic: My view from the hammock.

two puppies, some bunny, and a people's history

I can kinda see me wedged here between the end of the sofa, Scout's nose nuzzling me, Nu's butt, and (somehow) Huck's tail in my lap.

And I'm mostly awed by the bunny ear attachments to Nu's sweatshirt. Nu worked on them all this week, and in true punk fashion sourced everything from what we already had.

Earlier in the day we headed to my office and, on the commute, we listened to Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. Nu's first time. I think it's time.

on the outside

Tried something new today--took Nu along on a small hike with L.

I missed being outside, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving Nu by himself because of all the health stuff. This way, both of us get to be around each other, get some fresh air, and build our stamina. 

It was a good start. The only downside being Nu wore his Doc Martens and got a blister and then wished he'd listened to me--I hate being right sometimes.

Pic: This was our best "ussie" via our reflections--waving creepily at our reflections in the Red Cedar River was L's idea.

"a rocket of heavenly delight"

Last night just as I was falling asleep, the phrase "a rocket of heavenly delight" popped into my head and in those few seconds, I was SO CERTAIN that I'd discovered SUCH A brilliant creative phrase. THE MOST.

When I woke up for the day, I wasn't sure what I'd meant by it or what I would use it for. I know it was some tongue-in-cheek riff off of The Garden of Earthly Delights, but I wasn't sure of the how, why, or what. 

Nu thinks that I maybe meant it as a paean to the Spain trip where we got to see the triptych at the Prado? 

Or maybe this is just what happens when 2 am becomes the time you fall asleep.

Anyway, like Kanye, Nu didn't graduate from outpatient care, he just decided he was finished. So we're home with exercises and things to monitor and follow up on. We started a new show Heartstopper, which I find adorable. Nu critically noted that the show--about two gay teenagers--is written by a woman, but he appears to be charmed nevertheless. 

Having a somewhat normal day and knowing that we don't have to report to outpatient in the morning is like being on a rocket of heavenly delight nice. (Ok, I'll stop trying to make "a rocket of heavenly delight" happen... I can see it's not going to happen.😏)

Thinking about "The Mother"

A long time ago, I read Lydia Davis's "The Mother" from Break it Down. Here it is in its entirety: 

The girl wrote a story. “But how much better it would be if you wrote a novel,” said her mother. The girl built a doll-house. “But how much better if it were a real house,” her mother said. The girl made a small pillow for her father. “But wouldn’t a quilt be more practical,” said her mother. The girl dug a small hole in the garden. “But how much better if you dug a large hole,” said her mother. The girl dug a large hole and went to sleep in it. “But how much better if you slept forever,” said her mother.

Although I read it so long ago, it's always in the back of my head as a reminder of how not to "fix things." While that chilling paragraph is about the specific dynamics of mother-daughter relationships, I think it works for parenting/teaching/editing/being a friend or partner too. There are more of Davis's stories here.

ouch

This poem by Pat Schneider is a lovely reminder to be grateful for details in our lives. But I'm guessing it's not good when only inanimate objects come through for you?

Good: Catching up with EM, BS, and JG after a couple of weeks having too much going on. I appreciate their love, support, expertise, and empathy so much.

Bad: Toss up between the UU trip that didn't happen to the 911 call that almost did.

Ugly: Websites that tell me facts I'm not ready to hear.

summer reminder

Beal Gardens yesterday and Farmers' Market today--I can still enjoy other people's adventures in gardening this summer. 

I am filled with gratefulness for sunshine, rain, sweet breezes, summer produce...

This is the summer of the sweetest cherries I've ever eaten...

This is the most bug-free summer I remember...

Just one more month of this radiant, glorious time; enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

Pic: Beal Gardens, MSU

an indoor herd

At visited, Big A is the pink blur on the Portal screen, the puppies and I are off camera...but we're ALL kind of in the rumpus room together? 

At and Nu are looking at a Junji Ito together while also watching RRR on the big screen, and we can see and hear Big A making himself dinner in Milwaukee and everyone is sharing news and lobbing jokes off each other. 

Busy and messy, yes. But life-affirming and comfortable and the best/only way I could get my herd together today. 

I enjoyed every minute of it.

the great outdoors

It's true there's a lot of stuff I have no control over right now. And some issues (Nu care, roof rot, etc.) are serious and I need to work on them constantly. 

But... after I meditated yesterday, I realized that I haven't been spending time outside as much as I used to after the garden was squashed. Yet I need the outdoors and summer sunshine now more than ever. It's a bit like that Zen saying about meditation itself? "You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you’re too busy, then you should sit for an hour.” 

I should be spending MORE time outside not less. Inside is chores and worrying. Outside is sunshine and wonder. I can do better and be better when I feel better. 

Today I had a ramble in Ted Black Woods with L and T and biked with Big A after dinner.

Tomorrow I will spend time in the hammock.

Pic: Ted Black Woods

they say you're only as happy as your unhappiest child

...and they would be right. 

My kids aren't alright.

These two synchronized sleepers are mostly ok, (though a bit lonely with At away and Big A gone so much).

At is a bit stressed about NLRB elections especially since the only other Chipotle to apply for a union is being shut down as this article details.

Nu is having a very tough time although we've surrounded him with love and support. All I can do is try harder. 

one child

one child says their name is nothing
one child says they love you not
one child says they love you 
but not themselves

one child has put themselves to bed

one child refuses to go to sleep

one child just can't stand it

can never rest enough

one child lies without thinking twice

one child tells only horrific truths

one child will read nothing 

says everything is dumb 

one child is too large for this house

one child is tiny enough to vanish

one child doesn't want to know 

there's only one... child...

Pic: Red Cedar River, mental health walk by myself. 

hope as the thing that perches

I was on one of my marathon phone calls with my sister (early morning here, evening there) when this brilliant rainbow patch appeared on my leg (from a crystal mobile in the window).

Between its appearance and my Chelli's confidence in me, I'm hopeful for the upcoming week.

today

Today, I needed the woods and a hike with  L.

Then yoga with Big A via Portal, A trip to the dollar store with Nu, a call to Cousin N to arrange next week's family get together, a long soak, leftovers for dinner. 

A take-it-easy kinda day.

(I'll deal with health insurance claims, roof repairs, departmental re-visioning, editing, etc. next week.)

Pic: Baker Woods, MSU