the long arc (a poem for Scout)

I keep walking backwards 

from want to hope
they tell me I use 

"hope" to cope

my pulse beats with regret 

and distress though

it's true they too 

worship hope 

I know I keep disappearing

into a gratefulness

parroting prayers

to survive

remembering to thank ancestors 

(the ones that petted wolves)

who knew love would

arrive as you 

------------------------------------------------

Pic: Scout the champion snuggler... his arm over my leg 😍

Note: My favorite Scout poem is here.

1, 2, 3, journeys

How do you comfort someone who's lost a sibling? I had no adequate words, but I made my way over anyway bearing a tiffin box with dinner, snacks, and two funny DVDs. I found the vase in a thrift store last week, and this week matching flowers showed up for me to take to my grieving friends. I'm ashamed to say that when I was younger there were times when I'd avoid such visits. Thankfully, I've learned--mostly through people's kindness to me--how showing up is important. Life has been a long journey of learning about all the stuff that is not about me at all. 

Speaking of long journeys, I finally finished Anna Karenina. Big A, the judgmental monogamist, approved of how Tolstoy delineates the awfulness of an extra marital affair although T does it without ever resorting to moralization. I myself was heartily sick of Levin, supposedly a stand in for old Leo himself, by the end though. 

In other journeys, KB's flight out of Minneapolis was delayed by over a day, so JG has postponed our reunion lunch from today to Friday--just after my first committee meeting of the new year. That left me with a suddenly wide open day that I used for course prep, an extra long walk, an extra long soak, and extra reading time before I went to get Nu from school. It's my "Boss Day" so the extra time for indulgence was compulsory! 🙃

Going Away... Giving Away

Pic: Big A is the most colorful presence on the Red Cedar River on our New Year's Day hike; he's headed back to work in Milwaukee this morning. 

Boo. 

Boo-hoo.

*

Also, I love our Fretail Store so much, I'll walk around finding things other people might want that we're not using. Extra set of bowls? Sandwich maker? Present from last year kids claimed to love but did not even open? Nutribullet? Goodwill and  Salvation Army policies give me the creeps, so knowing things will go for free to people who want them is great. I saw that Apartment Therapy had a really nice list of places to donate specific items as well. 

this day doesn't have to mean anything about the year to come...

I'm reminding myself that nothing about today magically repeats 364 times. 

On the surface, lots of sweet things about today: a long hike with Big A, another hike by myself, a long chat with my baby sis, a small hangout with LB and TB, a long bubbly soak with Big A, a sweet treat delivered by L, dinner with the fam, a travel board game after dinner, and puppy + human cuddles throughout. 

But... I had also wanted to fit in some yoga, which didn't happen and I never even made it to the month-long online "Binders" writing workshop that started today. It was as though the unrelenting greyness of the cloudy day we had here seeped into everything I enjoy.

Also, I'm still in my reread of Anna Karenina and (a) I want to be done and reading something else especially since... (b) the love affair has dwindled into depressing territory and... (c) I still glaze over when Levin goes on about cooperative farming (sorry about that to the socialists in my life). 

Finally, I got a rejection on something I'd submitted via Submittable. I was sad for a while, then I just went ahead and submitted to two other places. I do hope I can keep that kind of obstinate energy going all year long. 

Pic: Playing "Around the World." Quite challenging! Nu won this evening's game. I better go commit some flags to memory before we play again. 

Farewell, 2022

A good last day with two long walks with LB and BSL to round off the year. 

A raucous dinner time with Scout and Huck underfoot, and Nu, At, and Big A at the counter for parathas--the person waiting for me to finish the next paratha were in charge of running a round of Truth or Dare. Some calls to grandparents, the traditional new year presents (calendars and something inspiring), a few eps of Joe Pera... and then At was off to a show with friends, Nu was on with friends online, and I joined PM's write-in for the new year on Slack (where I started and abandoned a poem based on PM's prompt). 

And then, as Big A, Scout and Huck napped inches away from me, it was 2023. 

then there were three; bookclubs for two; one day to 2023

A puppy playdate for Scout and Huck with Henry was the most exciting part of today. They were doing some electrical work at JL's so she hung out here and we got caught up. (Unlooked for excitement was when little Henry thought it would be ok to pee in my tea garden. He immediately stopped midstream when JL shouted "no." I was kinda impressed with his level of control, TBH 🤣.) 

I've been gifting some friends a bookclub-for-two: I'll get both of us copies of the same book so we can read and discuss together. It feels like an experience or together time gift, and the "thing" part of it is still books, so it's not wasteful (they can be passed on or pulped or whatever). Anyway--I did that with Emma Kline for JG and Shilpa Gowda with JL. We plan to start this one in Jan.

The rest of the day was all course prep, writing work, a couple of quick meetings, getting more letters of recommendation in. Then sushi with Big A and Nu.

Almost can't believe it is the weekend, month's end, end of the year already... 

coming down

Yesterday was lovely. And somehow everyone said it was the best Christmas ever. Yay! 

I'm taking today off. We're still snowbound and we have yummy leftovers and new books and cozy jammies and need for nothing else right now.

(Apart from the usual holiday management, driving duties on our ice-rink roads enervated me: I was on call to give L&T a ride from the Michigan Flyer at 10:30-11:00 pm last night and took At to work at 6:00 am today.)

Pic: The kids watching Laal Singh Chaddha (loosely based on Forrest Gump) with me yesterday.

'twas the night before...

Happy. 

Prepped food for Christmas (the pudding for brunch and the biriyani for dinner), tidied, watered the thousand plants, found ribbons for remaining presents, etc. 

Then candlelight carols with Nu at UU. Very sparsely-attended today because of the weather and bad roads. It didn't occur to me until we were already there (having white-knuckled and slid a lot of the way) that we could have Zoomed in. D'oh.  So many people, including our Rev., have had their holiday travel plans dashed because of the snow and winds. 

I'm piecing my family together--we picked up At on the way home. Everyone got the version of grilled cheese they wanted and then there were spirited discussions of Disco Elysium and then a watch of The Glass Onion. 

It's a good thing I got my "movie nap" in. After our traditional Christmas Eve presents of pajamas and books, At stayed up talking--head/feet in my lap--until nearly 4 am. I miss this child so much. The book At's leafing through in the picture is the present I'm proudest of... It's a copy of Abolition. Feminism. Now. signed by all four authors!

We'll sleep in tomorrow, since Christmas proper will start whenever Santa Big A gets in from his night E.R. shift...

Ready?

 

Ha. This Venn diagram. I did all the things yesterday and that included being in what the image terms "the depths of meijer hell" (Meijer is our supermarket chain). I got home feeling accomplished and stocked up and ready for the storms and also the celebrations; just praying that the electricity would stay on and that there would be no emergencies that would require me to leave the house or drive. 

Since yesterday, I've learned that there was a fire at a nearby apartment complex and over thirty families were displaced. And then someone else posted that their boyfriend had ridden the bus to a warming center the city was supposed to open, but it wasn't open. And an old person died--curled up in a parking lot. All this is so messed up. Certainly not what I wanted to be thinking about... but it's so cold and so close by, avoiding it would be additional cruelty. We've already done a little less for ourselves and a little more for others this year, but I had to find ways to dig a little deeper today. 

Oh, the snow did come down and it was beautiful. I must remember to take pictures tomorrow.

altar for all

I came away with some unlooked for presents this morning. Not just the satisfaction of checking things off ahead of the storm, but kind things. When I went to check in on my CASA kids, their grandmom snuck me a tray of homemade treats to take home. The college bookstore bag a colleague/sister/friend pressed into my arms revealed a beautiful painting of an archway in Fez--it went on my altar right away. 

Things are getting crowded on my altar: what with a Hindu mandir (birth religion), a menorah (from Big A's father's side), a nativity (my catholic school upbringing), a Tibetan singing bowl (MIL), finger cymbals (bhajan group), and various pride-themed bead (Nu) and union-themed button (At) crafts from my kids...

And I love it; there's room for more! 

happy at the solstice

Nu and I went to the solstice festival this evening: merrymaking, noise-making, meditating... my hair smells like smoke and my heart is grateful for the promise of extra daylight tomorrow.

“...This is the solstice, the still point
of the sun, its cusp and midnight,
the year’s threshold
and unlocking, where the past
lets go of and becomes the future;
the place of caught breath, the door
of a vanished house left ajar...”
 Margaret Atwood, Eating Fire: Selected Poetry 1965-1995

missing, musing

Dinner pics from this Saturday make me miss Big A (dropped him off at the train station this morning) and At (back at his place). I also miss Nu looking so happy and animated hanging out with At and Big A's pizza skills (my spinach, goat cheese, and egg pie is always superb).

Bad news from both grandmoms today. MIL has Covid--it seems mild and she still wants us to visit post-Christmas as usual, but we'll have to wait and see. My mom has a lump/cyst on her knee and cannot walk for pain. On the phone, I could tell she was in tears from the pain--I nearly cried too.

We stocked up on essentials this morning in case we're snowbound because of the storm headed our way. I have some remaining errands and we'll for sure need fresh ingredients for Christmas dinner, but no point worrying. I'll cross that bridge when we get there.
 

laid back

Pictured: Big A took himself and Nu off to go eat wings and watch the world cup finals.

Not pictured: Me finishing up our Christmas dec, running five miles, and then soaking to my heart's content and reading Anna Karenina in peace.

Dinner was leftovers.
 

it takes a village...

Dinner at home for some Humphrey Fellows who are working out of MSU this evening. 

HY joked that he'd experienced two things for the first time in his life: (1) building a gingerbread house (2) seeing dogs get fed with a spoon. (#2 is me. I feed Scout and Huck under the table--with a separate spoon--because it makes them happy to be with their pack at dinnertime.) 

I had to charm Nu and Big A--who tend to be less social than At and me--into stepping up as hosts. But as always all the complaints are pre-guests; after guests are actually here, my loves are generous and delightful. My winning argument today was for them to think how kind everyone was to me when I was an international student. 

It was lovely learning a bit about families and hopes and careers in different parts of the world.

Pic: A gingerbread village under construction.

just a little

This could be a fawn or a faun or fennec fox, but is--in fact--a tiny little doggo named Taco.

Gift wrapping party at DV's tonight, and I barely got any actual work done what with the marveling over Taco and nerding out on book recommendations from LD and KBJ. 

LD used to host a pre-pandemic book club and KBJ is the librarian at Nu's HS, so my wishlists are full. 

My heart is full tonight too.

on an internet kind of day

I can go incandescent 

                                       waiting, for you--

are lunatic with longing 

doing wondrous things--

                                        and where we are

there is time for refuge 

use your words, as they say

                                         call out to me--either

I didn't catch your name

or I forgot how to say it 

                                          in English

you laugh in confusion 

tell me how you found

                                           a way--without 

saying where it might be

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks to Mel at Stirrup Queens for the shoutout on her 922nd Friday Blog Roundup. As always, when I get a shoutout from Mel, it coincides with other good publication news--this time the editorial go-ahead on a WGS-related book project.

imagine: rice, flour, oil, sugar, and beans

I post some version of this reminder that food banks benefit most from cash donations every year. This is as much for me as for people I know. It's always tempting to add extra peanut butter-beans-cereal to my grocery cart to feed my "larger family."  It's always satisfying to imagine that some other children (and I always imagined they were children) would be able to make a snack out of things I'd picked up. And of course when the kids were younger, it was a tangible way to teach caring. But giving to food banks is not supposed to be about how it makes me feel. 

So I've been good about cash contributions. 

But when The Refugee Development Center in town started taking up in-kind donations for Welcome Boxes, I signed right up to bring rice, flour, oil, sugar, and beans. If I were displaced and in a new place, I imagine I could make something my family might recognize from those supplies. I would want to.

There is a passage in Robert J.C. Young* that always resonates with students--where we're asked to imagine ourselves as refugees, to imagine the break in the daily routines of living... like discussing the day's menu with a neighbor. I think about that passage often. 

Anyway, Nu and I dropped off lots of supplies this evening. I could have easily done it before I picked Nu up from their remedial (whole other story!) class at school. But I kind of liked the idea of doing something together that would get Nu out of their own thoughts and social loops for a while.

* Also, that book is the ONLY time ever where I'm listed right next to Homi Bhabha (in the "Acknowledgements").

dear diary,

Messy, turbulent reentry into the work week today = not a single photo taken. I'm trying hard to stay calm and remind myself of all the big, small, and daily crises people are facing so I can look beyond the forgotten deadlines and damaged expectations cluttering up this last week of instruction. I always forgive these, but staying compassionate does feel challenging sometimes. Mantra: I'm neither the target nor the source of all this; I can let it flow past me. 

Small successes in getting budget approval for books to gift to our capstone students; workshopping final projects; two important sets of e-introductions--a DEI one (SJ-EM) and one for our MFA (SS-WA); finishing up the last of Thanksgiving by folding the pumpkin gravy and the roasted veggies into a sambhar; and a truly lucky and important breakthrough in my CASA case (like OMG, it was mind blowing, and I now know exactly how to frame my report) . 

Went to work with sunrise; headed home with a sickle moon in the sky. But that's ok + these days are short. Dinner with the fam, a snooze with my Scout, and then to bed. (I stayed till Big A fell asleep and then crept out of bed to read... memories of doing this every day with the kids when they were littler made me smile. Guess I do this still with Scout and Huck daily...)

outtake

I used the 20 minutes At stopped by (while on a call!) to get everyone into matching holiday jammies for an impromptu shoot so I could start working on the holiday card. 

I usually have so many pictures for the card and calendars, but this year between Nu's hospitalizations, Big A's "commute," and At being so busy, I just haven't been taking as many photographs as I usually do. 

Feels like this year went by really fast too.

Pic: Beginning of the video we shot; I'll grab a frame later for the card. 

Five on a Friday

1) Worked on finishing yesterday's leftovers and bought absolutely nothing today as usual. 

2) (I don't judge people who Black Friday since learning, that for many families, it's a chance to buy things that may otherwise be outside the budget. Also, I think my fam's at a different place as we've reached a stage where neither kids nor grownups need a lot. Yes, I may previously have been judge-y about going straight from being thankful to buying more crap the very next day.)

3) Exactly one month to Christmas now and I think I have a good idea of what everyone is getting. I may add a bookmark or sticker here and there, but for the most part I think it's handled. 

4) I was invited to a conference in Alexandria (Egypt!!) and I think I'm going? It's in March so there's plenty of time for things to get canceled/for me to flake out and change my mind. But I've always wanted to see the pyramids, so I've said a tentative yes.

5) Pic: Lots of early morning walks with Big A now that he's here. Yay!