heart-to-heart

It would probably take me many tries to get all the loops and turns of how exactly Cousin P is my cousin. But I just know that she is. Growing up, she was a constant fixture of family get togethers and although she was just two years older, I absolutely idolized her (still do). 

Our straightforward heart connection bypasses the complicated family tree. When we lived in New Jersey, we saw each other every day and I always feel very, very loved by her. When morning sickness laid me low, she hand-fed me. And I don't mean spoon-fed--she scooped up the rice and rasam into little balls and fed me with her fingers like a proper South Indian mama would. 

I'm so glad P came for a visit despite all the stresses of her high-powered job, and illnesses in the family. And of course we plunged into chattering the day away. At my request, RR came by to give her a massage and then At came over to say hello and we all sat down to dinner together, FaceTiming various other cousins. 

There's a family reunion planned... for 2025... I can't wait. 

Pic: Cousin P, Nu, At, and Cousin K2 (on the phone from the U of Maine).

a-more-fun-day

No "Sunday scaries" today because we're on "Midterm Fall Break," which is, basically, just Mon and Tues off (because Thanksgiving next month will give us Wed, Thurs, and Fri off) blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, etc. 

The specifics don't matter! It's just SO NICE to not have to jump right into the week. I'll catch up with grading (I can dream!)

I took myself outside to prevent myself from falling into a "funk" (as my dad would call it) about the UAW strike (now in its fifth week--the workers are getting $500 a week and that can only go so far) and the war in Palestine (on top of all the horrors of history and occupation).

I spent hours in the backyard raking and in the garden tidying with Max, then a blissful massage visit from RR, a chatty, catch-up visit from JL replete with carrot cupcakes and champagne, a soup I invented with butternut squash, spinach, and almonds, and a depressing but so-good book (Emma Cline's The Guest) made up the rest of my day.

(Somehow although I spent hours outside with no casualties, I got a yellowjacket sting inside the house.)

Pic: Post-dinner jinks with Big A, Huck, Max, and Nu.

Maya Boulevard

This summer when Big A and I were making our way back from Jamaica, the restaurant at the airport had one of those displays where you can find souvenirs with your name on it. 

My very Sanskrit name has gotten more mainstream lately, so I was delighted to find that the address-themed stall had a "Maya Boulevard" and then I found one with Big A's name too, so I excitedly got both.  

Big A was amused by my delight and said he'd never had a name souvenir before. 

I was all: OMG! Did you never find your name before either? 

And he was all: No, it was just too cheesy for me. 😂😭

Anyway, I put those signs on our respective sides of the closet by the bathroom door, above two prints I love. The "we are in this together," is a reminder that has gotten us through some tough times and the New Yorker cover features a couple who we think kinda looks like us when we used to explore NYC on dates.

nocturne

when I slip into a canoe 

to call it sleep--no one

has questions to ask

                              I deceive myself  

anxiety is my specialty 

every rock a pinnacle

every ripple a cataract  

                              I deserve myself 

            I like to say I'm flowing

            but I'm falling... falling 

            so... slowly you can't tell

_________________________

The radio was the perfect soundtrack today, playing "Friday I'm in Love" (what a perfect villanelle!) just as I got into the car to come home after a long day of meetings. (EC and I have the rest of the FYS project mapped out; tied up some delightful student consults on projects; a student emergency where DD magically showed up to help renewed my gratitude that her office is just two doors away from mine.) Then the radio played "Nothing Compares" and the Prince-Sinead-Scout sorrow was overwhelming. "All the flowers that you planted /In the backyard/All died when you went away" will never fail to squeeze a sob out out of me. I blame this song--poor Big A said something innocuous in the course of a conversation around 2 am, and I had a full-on sobbing interlude. Okay.

Onward... I want to thank Mel at Stirrup Queens for the shoutout in her 985th blog roundup! The last three times I made it to the roundup, it brought good luck in the form of emails notifying me that poems had been accepted for publication in other places. This time--alas--I did not have any submissions out. Perhaps I should work on getting some out over the upcoming long weekend.

Pic: It feels like our first perfect fall day, and I got out--between meetings--for a walk-and-talk on the bike path with AK.

and then there's hope

Five "I" glimmers today:

1. I got my watch battery changed. My fancy watch is part of what I consider to be an essential component of my "academic drag" so I've been wearing it to work albeit with a dead battery for a couple of weeks now. Finding the 20 minutes to have it fixed has been making me feel accomplished every time I glance at my wrist today.
2. I got in a 15-minute fitness class this morning. Fitness really falls away during term time and especially on teaching days. I have that Mirror doohickey so I have no excuses, but I always think to myself that I'll do a yoga/barre/pilates sesh after I get home from work--but that's always a fake out. If I don't exercise in the morning, I don't exercise for the day. So my 15-minutes of barre before I put on my work outfit today makes me (feel like) a champion. 
3. I lucked out picking Ann Patchett's Tom Lake as my next book... It was the perfect comforting remise en bouche--almost sorbet like--after the heaviness of the Zadie Smith. I'm loving the Michigan setting and the easy family witticisms, the wise-wild reminder of exciting/turbulent lives lived pre-marriage and pre-kids...  And then the contentment and happiness Lara, the protagonist, feels in having the whole family sheltering in place under the same roof during the early pandemic matches my feelings about that time.
4. I heard about the Jon Fosse Nobel for Literature and was disappointed because I really, really thought Rushdie or Ngũgĩ would win it this year... But I feel hopeful enough to think: ah well, there's always next year. 
5. Pic: I'm not imagining the strange mashup of holidays that stores seem to be celebrating simultaneously these days. NGS mentioned this weirdness earlier this week, and seeing this bizarre sign in the window of a store ("Hallo-Thank-Xmas"--WHAT?!) is a clear indication that some corporate genius/jackass somewhere thinks this could be a selling idea. (Probably is?)

celebrating small

I'm a bit sad-mad-feeling bad. 

We have two big birthdays coming up this month: Nu turns 16 and Big A turns 50! I'd love nothing more than to celebrate them by throwing huge birthday bashes for them... but neither wants that. I'm perfectly capable of pulling together surprise parties for both of them, but I know in my bones that they would actively dislike that. And of course they should be celebrated in ways that make them happy. 

I know these are just numbers and it's silly to feel like they would be missed opportunities and that a 17th birthday or a 51st birthday can't be as special. This year, both of them say they want dinner with the fam and... that's all. It sounds a bit... underwhelming?

I mean... I love birthdays so much, I invented Boss Days. Today was mine, BTW. I picked sushi for dinner, got waited on hand and foot, and used a gift cert to buy myself a copy of Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before. I like how it sounds like a thriller instead of the self-help it is!

Pic: Out by Scout's memorial. Max and Huckie don't know what to do next after they've treed Kylo (our resident trickster / black squirrel). 

sleep.less.

my voice scatters on the floor

my eyes want even more 

I'm still here... I think

the hours are many and small 

I crawl... to whichever hour 

will take all of me 

____________

Pic: Almost time to say goodbye to this flower bed.