getting brighter

Some people might have thought the party was taking place around the cookies, the laughter and conversations, or the lovely massage therapist giving mini massages...  but the real action was on the floor where the babies and the puppies were finding each other and having conversations: "Doggie!" Ruff-ruff!" "Touch Doggie?" "puppy-kisses, puppy-kisses, tail-wags."

We didn't get to singing carols until really late into the evening, and I was quite taken aback by how easy it was to sing along to The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook that JN brought. 

OM came in from Grand Rapids for the evening, and I showed her book to everyone so lots of people put it on their TBRs. Her rum balls were really boozy, and after everyone left, we could barely move and curled up with hot cocoa for a long, no-holds-barred chat.

I'm looking forward to the extra minutes of light and brightness as the earth hinges into solstice...

Pic: Max, Huckie, + toddler and baby feet... Perhaps Max and Huck have found some cookie crumbs from the Cookies and Cocktails party? (I hope it's not cocktails they're after!)

when we edit the beast

the sadness scratching out of the dirt of your body             like an animal           is gentle         is a gentleman     who says, after you       

I can only guess what you're after      what you think I'm after    our lives are short       you beg me to remember the risks

but I know we arrived dancing       even before we were born                    and even when dead we may     return with new things to say

____________

Pic: Backyard winter wonderland. I especially love how the snow erases all our landscaping mistakes and covers up our many unfinished projects...

Nu spent yesterday hoping today would NOT be declared a snow day since today was the last day before Christmas break and there were all sorts of fun activities planned at school. 

things 1 & 2

Friends, has everyone gotten their Flu and COVID vaccines? Big A is seeing an uptick in cases at the E.R. so it may be past time. I'm at two superspreader events this weekend and am hoping my immunity/luck holds.

Shamefully, I haven't gotten mine this year yet--I need two to three days to recover from the shots and the timing hasn't been right with travel to Arches at mid-term break and Greece at the start of winter break. I've promised myself that I'll get it right after Christmas. 

I've also determined to work on my sleep hygiene. In my defense, there are some mitigating circumstances such as A's nighttime job, my own anxiety, my hankering for quiet hours, etc. The overall appeals of health and wellness didn't work on me--I felt I could deal with fatigue, aches and pains, hair loss, wrinkles, and all that. But At's specific warning of dementia really shook me. If I could go to bed at midnight, or even 1:00 am, and get 4-6 hours of continuous sleep that would be an A+ improvement for now.

I'm just saying--once I get my sleep sorted, I'll have no bad habits at all. I will be so boring. 

Pic: Welcome Committee photo. (Too bad Welcome Committee photos are always blurry due to all the excitement and tail wagging.)

2/3 I am meandering; 2/3 a.m. meandering

I've heard that depression is worrying about the past, anxiety is worrying about the future, and happiness is living in the moment. 2/3 isn't so bad, right? 

I think I have anxiety and moments of happiness/joy. I feel fairly done with the past. And also really lucky to have escaped without major trauma given how naive and gullible I used to be. Big A and my sister, who know all the stuff I used to get up to, marvel at this all the time.

I think I get by because I am blessed in my family and friends--I couldn't wait till Friday's book club meeting to see L so I swung by for a chat and hugs (and also got roses because she'd been at the supermarket and they were on sale). Later, LV was in town to run errands and stayed for dinner and we dug out the tiny bottle of prosecco chilling in the fridge to celebrate his tenure. (It was perfect because Big A was working that night and couldn't drink, so LV and I could polish it off ourselves.)

Now it's 2:25 a.m.: Big A is at work; I'm wide awake. It could be worse, it could be 4:00 a.m., he could be home and we could be goofing off. Big A can sleep during the day to even things out, but I won't because my work happens during the day. 

At told me the other day that I'm going to get dementia if I don't get enough sleep. 

I worry about that. 

But then sometimes I think I'm channeling the spirit of my great-grandfather who, according to my mother, would wake in the middle of the night to light an oil lamp and write poems about Hanuman, the god he was passionately devoted to. 

I'm not as religious, but I write? Right?

Pic: Our Christmas tree in the light. Oof, we really are running out of space.  

between the glass of dreams

they say every poem is a ghost story

keeping its secrets, still looking on in 

what I remember is opening the door

knowing this made surprise and sense 

the curious ritual of intuition and touch--

feeling one's way as though blindfolded

seeing everything entire as a visionary

I stay the same; I've never felt this way 

________________________________

Pic: Christmas coziness--our tree has every ornament (that survived our many moves) from the kids' kindergarten ouevre upwards. 

I told Engie we don't do advent calendars. And that was true, but this is Nu's last year at home and I thought I should at least try it? Big A and Nu like jam, so I got the (what I like to think of as the anti-Nazi jam) Bonne Maman calendar, and... they rarely barely remember to open it. I keep reminding them though, because I love those darling little jars when they're empty. And oh, what a sweet Bonne Maman advent calendar proposal story!

interior monologue randomness

*Thank you, America for welcoming me back with a school shooting. I've been thinking of Madison, WI friends all day. I know Sarah's kids are in public school (the shooting was at a private Christian school), but it's got to be scary having something like that happen in your city. (It's also the second or third time the media have tried to wrongly blame a trans kid for the shooting. WTH?)

*It's Dec 16th and I did not get an email from our Provost, so it's ok to assume I still have a job.

*I've landed very firmly back into Christmas prep territory. I did a ton before I left, so there's just stuff I'd be doing around this time anyway (cookies, last-minute wrapping, panic gift sourcing). I'm writing this relaxing by the glow of our Christmas tree.

*Our holiday cards are delayed, but that's because I wanted to include a pic of our sisters' Greece trip. I enjoyed wearing matching things every day with my sister and being a dork.

* Speaking of dorks, our partners have made miraculous recoveries. 

* Also, Big A drove an hour+ to pick me up at the airport with a drink and snacks and I had flowers and chocolate waiting for me at home. True Love! I'd stopped eating chocolate a few years ago, but I never waste anything, so loved ones have figured out that I'll eat it if someone else buys it for me--this is a cheat, right? 

*In the same vein, I've been sending all my discretionary cash to people's GoFundMes in the past year, so having to spend money on myself on the trip was a bit jarring. But it was for my sister's big birthday, and I don't get to decide how she spends her corporate salary. Nevertheless, I had to spend a lot of time talking myself through these rationalizations before I could fall asleep at night. 

*I avoided the news this last week, but I learned today that Reem's grandfather died in an Israeli shelling. I'm not a "I'm glad they get to be together now in heaven" type of person; I'm a "they should both be alive together on earth kind of person." So I'm both sad and mad. 

*Lisa asked if my sister and I had done a trip like this before--we haven't! My kids are finally at a point where I can take off for something like this without much prep. Ironically, although my sister doesn't have kids, our elderly parents live with her, and it requires a lot more planning on her end now. 

*Nance and Lisa also picked up on my mention of a squabble. This was despite both of us being on our best behavior. We haven't lived together in thirty+ years and are very different. For instance, we have diametrically opposed views on this year's revolution in Bangladesh. But at the same time, we want similar things like the secular India of our childhood that was a shelter and leader to third-world causes. So we can make it work. We plan to go to Egypt for my 60th! 

 

Pic: Friday's Cape Sounio sunset.

bloopers and getting back

Pics: From this morning's photoshoot. I wanted a picture of my sister and me with the Acropolis in the background for the holiday card. But our selfie skills and timing were off and we kept messing up the shots: our big heads were in the way, or our expressions were unready, or it tickled, and by the end we were just laughing so hard the pics were unusable. But looking at these pictures when I was by myself on the trip back made me smile every time. (We have matching blue silk blouses and olive-wreath headbands for "atmosphere.")

I was ready to be back home, but simultaneously SO SAD to say goodbye. Incidentally, we said goodbye FOUR times at the airport--thinking each time we might not be able to make it back to a common area in the departure lounge to hang out although our flights were within an hour of each other's. My flight was earlier, and the same ticket agent witnessed our super-clingy (cringey?) goodbye twice. I don't care. I probably won't be able to see my sister until the summer or even longer. (And I'll probably never see that ticket agent again in my life.)

Big A told me forty-five minutes into our hour's journey back home from the airport that he'd had pain on his left side all evening. I would have taken the bus back home if I'd known earlier. (It immediately made me think it sounded like a warning sign of a heart attack, but he claims it is probably just some inflammation. I trust his diagnosis though.) My sister's partner too sprouted a fever this week. I feel like our partners should be able to make it a week without us? I've kissed a sleeping Nu hello, and have been hanging out with Max and Huckie who gave me a hero's welcome home (but then, they always do no matter how long or short my absence has been) while eating the remains of the dinner and fruit salad the fam had earlier. I missed all of this...

Hydra, Poros, Aegina

We took the ferry to three islands in the Saronic Gulf today: Hydra (which has no cars and only donkeys and mules for transportation), Poros (with its sweeping views of the Peloponnese), and Aegina (home to the only temple of Aphaia and the pistachio capital of Greece--they roast the pistachios with lemons and that turns out amazing!).

We met a few groups of people we'd seen at various sights earlier in the week, and it was nice to hang out with them, dance with the boat DJ who started playing Bollywood songs, and play cards when the sea journey got monotonous. I could stare at waves all day, but perhaps that's not for everybody? 

Our very final stop on the tour was the Greek Orthodox church of St. Nektarios, which was built in 1993. I scoff at the 20th century anyway and when the guide said sick people from all over the world come there, my horrified sister made eye contact with me and mouthed "Let's leave," so we did. Not a very inspiring last stop, but we were requited with an absolutely amazing sunset and a beautiful full-moon-rise over the water on our way back.

Pic: We started the day with a squabble, but please don't misread our grumpy faces and fist-bump which was to show off our matching bracelets.

Athens and Cape Sounio

 Nothing prepares me for how majestic the Parthenon is. We saw a few temples on this trip including Corinth (Apollo), Delphi (Apollo), Cape Sunio (Poseidon), and one planned in Aegina (Apahaia). But the Parthenon (Athena) simply dwarfs the rest. And it is so iconic, that standing there I imagine democracy (in its most rudimentary form exclusive of women and non-landowners, but still!!) or philosophers setting our course for the future, and it gives me the shivers every time despite the crowds.

We Facetimed with the parents so they could see it a bit too. We had press-on nose rings and tried to fake it like we got matching nose-piercings with the spending money my mom had given us to freak her out. She immediately saw through our fake but said it kind of suited us, so perhaps we should really get one sometime?

All of our breakfasts and dinners have been buffets provided by the tour. This afternoon included a lovely taverna lunch--where the maître d' worked hard on short notice to accommodate our vegetarian requests, a private car to Cape Sounio to see the temple of Poseidon at sunset, and then dinner by ourselves for the first time since we arrived.

Pic: Posing in front of the Parthenon; we're wearing matching blue (Go, Greece!) scarves.

Meteora (and South Korea)

Even from the base of the boulders in Meteora, it was impossible to tell how they'd managed to get a monastery up there, or how we'd get up there in a bus, but it happens somehow through the magic of pulleys, and roads, and stairs. 

My love is ancient Greece, so I gave Byzantine Meteora a miss on my previous trip. My sister was keen to go though, so we looped it in this time, and I'm glad we did. It was pretty incredible.

Also, on the bus I met a young person from South Korea who had been at the poeple's protest that brought down martial law just last week, and they shared their pictures with me and I shared them on the family chat and immediately became cooler to my kids.

Pic: We're dressed in long skirts and have covered our shoulders because that's the required dress code at the monasteries we visited. We both went to convents for school, so we chatted up the nuns just like old times. We're wearing the matching necklaces we got at the museum store--my sister's is visible, mine's hiding under hair.  

Delphi

As I climbed the ruins, I looked up at the lofty crags thinking how that view hadn't changed for centuries. The rocks that had been carved were impressive, but the rocky cliffs all around were simply majestic. 

Somehow, in my head, I expected a cave of some sort to mark the omphalos-aspect of it, but other than that Delphi delivered. It was charged with power (like Stonehenge, like Tirupati)... In fact I noticed at least one other person saying a prayer at the Temple of Apollo. 

At the museum I wandered off by myself because my head was too full. I thought Kleobis and Biton, the Argos twins, looked like they were wearing dreads/locs. I kept coming back to the room with the charioteer--that beautiful figure--and marveling that the only reason we have him at all is because he disappeared in a fourth century earthquake before he could be looted or razed and magically remerged almost completely intact in 1896. Life/history is so strange.

And then I read Helen Monroe's poem and cried. "Higher up in the mountain, in the stadium/ Coursed the Charioteer. /Of all the thousand statues only his alone/ Has won the long race with Time/ Here at the goal he stands, lifting the reins,/ Young, beautiful, alive;/ Gazing at our incomprehensible world/ Through enameled eyes.

Pic: We're bathed in light at the Temple of Apollo. (And we have matching scarves today!) Also: we found a simple necklace featuring a pair of silver peafowl--that I liked and made my sister happy--at the Museum shop.

Olympia

My sister and I haven't shared a bedroom in thirty years. 

On some level--I think--it makes us revert to feeling like kids. We hung out with a delightful couple from New Zealand at the Museum and we were being respectful as though they were our elders. It was only later that it occurred to us that their kids were around At's age so they are our peers!

Today we spent a rainy day in Olympia trooping through the archaeological ruins of the ancient Olympic site and then exploring the museum for much, much longer. (We're museum people not sporty people.) I learned that the reason Olympia is so far inland is because the organizers wanted to diminish the risk of the games being attacked by seafaring enemies. 

Pic: Today we have matching handloom wraparound skirts from India and were showing them off while the guide was getting our tickets. I heard my friends say we should get matching jewelry in the comments and I may allow something small and meaningful. I think I'll know it's right when/if I see it...

Corinth, Epidaurus, Mycenae, Nafplio

I've even had students named after Greek philosophers before, but oh--the thrill of hearing "Aristotle!" or "Chimera!" shouted down the street... or classical names on nearly every billboard and storefront! 

We took off early this morning, stopping to see the Corinth Canal, geek out in the Sanctuary of Asclepius, be poseurs in the amphitheater in Epidaurus, pick our way around the tomb of Agamemnon and the acropolis in Mycenae, and finally finished up by wandering through the charming streets of Nafplio (where I said no to every piece of matching jewelry my sister wanted to buy).

Pic: Here we're on a very windy hillside in Mycenae with the sea behind us. (The sea always seems present in Greece...) And yes, we're wearing matching blouses.

"Of course, you must absolutely win at your vacation"

 My sister and I have been dreaming of going to Greece for practically our whole lives, and we've been planning it for months now. But it always seemed a bit unreal given the state of the world, our parents' health, my incapacity lately to spend money on myself, etc. But this was my sister's big birthday present, and I decided to just go for it.

I started to get really excited about it this past week and told EM that I must read up on all the places we're visiting so if the guide asked questions I would know the answer. This led EM to gently mock me: Of course, Maya, you must absolutely win at your vacation." (Hence the title of the post.) 

As it happened, I got too busy to actually read up. But then my sister and I have prepared for this our whole lives: from the Greek wedding dolls my father's Greek colleagues gave us when we were babies, to the Greek myths we pored over, the Byrons, the abridged and then unabridged versions of so many Greek classics (epics, plays, poems), Gerald Durrells, Lawrence Durrells, Mary Stewarts, Mary Renaults, --heck, even the Mills and Boons, etc. that loved Greece and Greek culture so much... So I think we'll know most of the answers already... we'll be ok.

We're here for a week and we plan to cover so much. We haven't seen each other since Summer 2023 so today is just for catching up.

Pic: My sister in profile... We were marveling about being able to see the Parthenon from our hotel room.

weeks where decades happen...

*Amnesty International concluded that Israel is committing genocide, I know the U.N. and the International Criminal Court (ICC), and the International Court of Justice (ICJ) have made similar declarations, but Amnesty is somehow better known and represented in the U.S. 

I also saw that the Vatican's nativity this year features a sweet baby Jesus swaddled in a keffiyeh; the statues themselves are carved by carpenters from the West Bank, reportedly. 

*The CEO of the largest US health insurance company was killed and the killer immediately became a folk hero. Stories about the killer abound (the bullets were inscribed with insurance delaying feint words, the backpack was full of Monopoly money) and it feels like this is how it might have felt to hear Robin Hood stories back in the 1300s. Big A said that when he walked into the ER the day it happened, he had never seen so many people celebrating someone's death since Bin Laden. It feels ugly to celebrate anyone's death. But it's also obscene to make 10 million dollars a year for sucessfully turning people's life support off and denying life-saving treatment from behind a desk. 

I am in NYC on a six-hour layover at JFK (on my way to join my sister for our long-awaited vacation together!!!!) when a friend jokingly texted to ask if I was there for the look-alike contest. Apparently, New Yorkers were celebrating by holding a killer look-alike contest. 

*Martial law was declared in South Korea and FAILED WITHIN HOURS due to people's actions and protests. 

* The Assad regime has collapsed in Syria and people are already making their way back home! 

the resistance

I am a little nobody

anyway, you're about 

               to tell me how I've sinned

               and now have to pay for it

yet don't we all suffer

for our own pleasure

               wanting to find it or die for it

               an animal snarl between words

so you hold the book

you ask the questions

               I turn the page, I lose my place

               I close the book, can't turn back 

I learn to ignore the door

make it my job to send 

               messages so secret only kisses

               taste the words we're thinking

______

I've done all the things: graded everything, uploaded all the recommendation letters, reviewed all three journal articles that had been languishing in my folder, designed a take-home comparative essay for the Gaza class that feels do-able. (Steph asked if it would be a pass/fail and I'm asking the university admin if that would be ok.) 

________

Pic: Koi in this weather seem miraculous to me... Radiology Gardens. 

getting there

Our tree is up, and here we are trying to take a picture for our holiday card. This year's "theme" is Indian scarves from my closet, and although I just tied Huck's on as a bandanna, it's already unravelling...

Somehow I'm the shortest human in the frame, 3/6 are smiling, and 4/6 are looking toward the camera... Perhaps it can't get better than this? I kind of like the excited and slightly wild vibe.

Offices seem deserted at work, but it's SO BUSY! My online Gaza course is winding down too. The big challenge here is to pare down my lecture slides as students are accessing materials from internet cafes, so big files are a challenge to download. Also, it's grad school application deadline time, so recommendation letters are due everywhere. Over at my regular job, it's finals week, and grading is piling up. It's a breathless kind of busy. It will get better this weekend.

Also, Nance commented that I must be proud of At, and--omigosh--I so am. In 2022, it was pretty heady and I wrote, "We’re so very proud of At, our labor organizer extraordinaire, who made national news for leading the first Chipotle in the country to unionization. I like these articles featuring At and coworkers:

Slate "Two mad-online leftists. The Starbucks-worker playbook. And an accordion."

Labor Notes "How Zoomers Organized the First Chipotle Union"

Jacobin "Chipotle Workers on How They Won the First Chipotle Union in the United States"

Washington Post "Michigan Chipotle outlet the chain’s first to unionize"

Related story in the Washington Post "The labor market is still red-hot — and it’s helping union organizers"

NPR "Chipotle in Michigan first to unionize for the fast-food chain nationwide"

snow... and how they grow

Pic: Our first serious snow of the year... Nu had a snow day and slept in. Max LOVES the snow but is wondering what the heck Dad is playing at. 

Big A is channeling toddler At playing hide and seek by "hiding" behind a tree. (We still tease At about how they "hid" behind a pole, shutting eyes, and imagining no one would be able to see them.) 

How they grow... At was on the radio today...

slide to the left

FB memories brought up this old poster from December 2011...

The Occupy Wall Street movement had spread to university campuses by November 2011 and students had begun organizing. There was a viral video of a policeman casually pepper-spraying students seated on the ground (it later became a meme too).

It started out as a conversation with GG about basics: Pepper-spraying students is wrong. Before long, we were organizing a teach-in with Nathan Brown from UC Davis, Pranav Jani and Steve Conn from OSU, and various Yellow Springers. 

Sometimes people belittle Occupy, but it held the seeds to the popularity of Bernie, the resurgence of the youth labor movement, and current university protests... People supposedly get conservative as they age, but in my case, I think I get more radical and angrier as I get older and learn more.

I'm thinking about these things because I'm proud of At, who is off to Seattle today as an invited speaker to the UFCW about democratically organizing a union. One of our dinner table jokes is that Pete Buttigieg's and Kamala Harris's parents must be disappointed in them--both of them had professor parents whose Marxist politics were probably more radical than that of their kids. We're definitely on more equal footing over at our place.

fathomless

people meet prayers        meet poems        meet promises        in overcrowded hearts      in empty situations        our fists in the face of fate      of gods        facing clandestine enemies        for survival eaten raw        what feeds us        what do we feed on          whom do we feed         where do we go        how do we go home        go back      go back to where we came from        home, home        home, home on the rage          what parts do we play        how many parts do we break into       spinning like stars        like dancers       like fragments        there is no hiatus to hate        sometimes they never suffer        but they never resurrect        in this life's assignment         I remember their faces      their names       what they used to do        and that they used to be

__________________________
Note: Mahmoud al-Madhoun, chef and co-founder of Gaza Soup Kitchen, who fed over 3000 people a day using whatever supplies he could scrounge up was targeted and killed by a drone strike this week. Three workers with World Central Kitchen were also killed this week (seven were killed earlier this year in April.) In a week where food and feeding people was dominant for most of us, I'm so broken by these daily reports of the targeted deaths of those trying to feed people in this engineered famine. 

a kind (of) bereavement

 

            our old house has new folks 

                       and so... now we are ghosts

              no one sees although we lived

                    here barely 12  years ago 

         morning  mists cling  to  us 

                        ghostly as nights of regret 

             our older selves are yet silent, 

                      uncertain, unknown outside

            we find we forget to exhale

                         are reminded there are no 

             songs in sighs and although

                          not quite death, cold-ness 

                 takes away our breath, leaves 

                          us to mourn a different lack 

                 of warmth despite being back

__________

Note: I felt a bit strange walking on our old street in Yellow Springs early in the day. I think I imagined that a neighbor or two would be out and that we'd have a warm impromptu reunion. I had plans with friends later in the day, but wanted the chance encounter too! Speaking of friends, I'm ordering a few copies of Rebecca Kuder's Dear Inner Critic Workbook to give as Christmas presents. 

____________

Pic: Our descent into Glen Helen for a long hike yesterday. Back in the day, when we lived across from the Glen, I feel we solved many of our parenting dilemmas and disagreements over a walk through these woods.

Three generations; three dogs

Pics: I snagged a photo of Nu, Big A, and his mom/Nu's gran for the family holiday card while we were in Yellow Springs...

And I like how when we pull back a bit from the tight frame of my three people, I can see the happy chaos of Max, Huckie, and Izzy making things a bit more festive.

I can't believe it's December!

Surprise Pizza!

We headed to Ohio this morning for Thanksgiving #2 with my lovely MIL. When we got there, we were a bit confused that all was calm and really relaxed with no signs or smells of cooking. Indeed, there were no signs of Thanksgiving at all. 

So we hung out and chatted and ordered pizza when it was time for dinner and all was well. I'm kind of glad my MIL didn't have to go to all the trouble of starting a big meal all by herself.

Pic: Max and Huck have always been suspicious of the robot vacuum, and it didn't help matters that it seems to be making off with Nu's ukulele here.

Some Thanksgiving Ubuntu

At the end of Thanksgiving dinner when everyone was saying what we were thankful for, I said I was so thankful for all the people we had around the table. This was true. We had a very full table. 

But the table was also full of a staggering amount of leftovers. I made 12 dishes not counting the pies (which I did not make) or the appetizers (which I did assemble/make)... and people loved the appetizers and the soup and then seemed to run out of steam for the meal itself. Even after people rallied and took leftovers home, there was still A LOT on the table. 

I'd really worked my butt off all day and I wanted people to enjoy it today instead of stockpiling leftovers forever, so I offered it on a local Facebook group. Then there were like 200 people blessing me (just for donating extras!?!) and quite a few takers. I had to take food to my grandbaby's family and drop At off anyway, so I loaded up the car and set off. And then At said they'd like to go with me to drop off food, so I got so much extra chatting time with my older lovey. (Jenny--see what I mean about my older one being a bit like yours?)  

At the end of the evening, as I dropped At off and headed home, I felt so satisfied: as though I was flying home, as though every traffic light in my way was green... I realized later that it could have just been because this was a day when the roads were empty... but it still felt pretty awesome.

It reminded me of my Ubuntu Canteen days.

Pic: A reasonably vague shot of the table when Big A and I got up to set up the dessert station.

flowers, food, and "face-wrestling"

I decided to do the flowers for the Thanksgiving table myself and that reminded me of Mrs. Dalloway saying she'd get the flowers herself. Then I briefly wondered if I was like her in surrounding myself with events as a way of avoiding the void.

Anyway, the day before an event is always suspenseful for me. I tend to make a lot of food, but we have just the one fridge and freezer, so I can't overshop or cook in advance, and it's a gamble if I'll find everything on my list. I didn't find parsnips today. But I suspect no one cares about the parsnips but me.

Pic: Max and Huck in a post-dinner "face-wrestle." There's a lot of groaning-growling-baring of teeth and positioning of jaws in scary ways... and they seem to be having so much fun. It reminds me of my two boy cousins--whoever arrived first at my grandmother's place for the weekend would wait anxiously for the other one, and the minute he arrived, he'd be greeted with the affectionate invitation, "Let's go fight, da!" And then my baby cousins would kinda fight like Max and Huck do now.

last day feels

We had our last class today. We're on Thanksgiving break now, and when we come back, it'll be Finals Week. There's no way I can be missing my students already... But I kind of do. And for the second semester in a row, I forgot to take the customary end-of-semester group pics. So I really do want to get them back together again one last time to take that photo.

In my first class this morning, one kind student began to thank me for a "great" class... and before I could say thank you, everyone in the class was thanking me and then they clapped for me! That has NEVER happened to me in a classroom before! It felt so sweet and supportive in the moment, I wasn't even thinking about what actual evaluations or the stability of the work environment might look like.

Speaking of which, I'm reading Unsheltered--an older Barbara Kingsolver I found on my shelves--perhaps it's not the best time to read about someone who lost their tenured job and is anticipating living in an age of President Orange (the first time around), but that's where I am anyway. 

Now on to big decisions... Should I squeeze all our Thanksgiving guests around our existing table by adding an extra chair on each side, or should I use a card table to rig an extension? Does apple cider go well in a hot toddy? Do I have enough rosemary in my herb garden or do I need to buy some?

Pic: I think I got a picture of an Eastern Bluebird in the tree. In any case, there's a bird in a tree and it's decidedly blue. LB was so indulgent and patient waiting for me while I waited for the bird to settle.

on reading

“Make an effort to separate yourself from the internet. Read books.”
― Timothy Snyder, On Tyranny: Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century

my eyes are giant jaws

know how to disappear 

me into books, let pages 

wrap and  swallow  me

like  a  tsunami  shelter 

I fix pages over my ears 

as  screens--under arms

suffering fins and wings 

Words? They're reckless 

things, they'll say/soak up

just anything: look/listen

how they make hope/fear/

freedom come true just by

knowing and remembering 

watch us waiting our turn 

...our time to sing/to sting

_____________________

Note: The "to sting" inspiration might just come from Nu's baby lovey, Silky the Bee, who used to pleasantly nuzzle "buzz-buzz" and then when you least expected it go "'ting-'ting." 

_____________________

Pic: Baker Woods yesterday with LB, who's back from Oregon (Yay). The woods are so bare now, but we still managed to get a bit lost because we hadn't been in so long and so many trees had come down in the interim.

other things I was told this week

You told me I had two very different reactions to the separations of two people I was close to. That's so true! I guess I was basing my own response on how the person I was close to was responding to the event. 

The produce person told me by the banana stand that I should "mix and match" bananas from different bunches--some for now, and some for later. I don't know why I've never thought to do that before. I always thought of the bunches as an inviolate collective entity. 

Big A and my massage therapist told me I've been losing weight. I feel like I look the same, but my appetite has been off. Whether it's because of new anti-anxiety meds or because I'm listening to the news, I don't know. 

Pic: Hartrick Trail Wetlands. New to me. Nu's driving instructor told me to check it out when I said I was going to walk in the school parking lot to kill time. It's adjacent to the school grounds and I can kind of see the school buildings in the distance. The high school in 10 Things I Hate About You still rates as the best school building with the best view of all time (Stadium High School, Tacoma, WA; it looks out over the waters of the bay--swoon.).

things I was told this week

Nu's pneumonia came up when I dropped in on the girlfriends yesterday. As I was wondering if I should be around other people, DV, who was such a rock when Nu was in distress, told me that the CDC has changed its recommendations for the pneumococcal vaccine, lowering the age recommendation. I'm getting it. 

As I was dropping Nu off for driving practice this morning, I told them I'm very self-conscious as I drive up to their instructor's car, making sure to keep my hands in the 10-2 position and all that. And Nu told me that actually, now you're supposed to keep your hands in the 9-3 position because of the possibility of airbag injury! And also that perhaps I should drive badly, as it might be helpful. The instructor would cut them some extra slack because they'd be like, Whoa! That kid has a terrible role model. Thanks, Nu.

A person I love love love dearly told me that they're separating from their partner. Twenty plus years ago, when we were all in grad school, they'd brought this person to my Thanksgiving table as a friend. And in a phone call later that week I'd said to them that it seemed like the other person wanted to be more than friends. They got married a few days after Big A and I did. My person has supported their soon-to-be-ex emotionally and financially for nearly two decades and this just fits the overall trend and it sucks and I am heartsick. 

While I was coordinating a welcome gift drop-off for a cousin's new baby, I casually asked my aunt what new adventures she and her husband had been up to since they were now empty nesters... and she told me she'd just divorced him. I wasn't expecting this for all the obvious reasons, but also because they had had an arranged marriage, and I think this is the first divorce in that generation on my side of the family. This is huge and liberating--I'm so happy people are looking out for their happiness without letting tradition and fear of scandal get in the way. 

At did a class on inoculation for other organizers in their old bedroom before family dinner this evening. When I was dropping them off at their place, At told me that in every class, they mention how I talked to one of their Indian coworkers in Telugu and how that helped build a connection. Aw! I feel like a small part of labor history!

Pic: The Red Cedar in spate. (Just past the stadium.)

first snow

a babe raises its mouth
to a morsel, to a cry 
we don't know 

fates fall from the sky
as unrelenting and

absurd as dust

don't ask me if I'm ok
I hope you can see

it's never forever

certainty lies: blatantly

yet also reposes soft

like grace

_____________________

Pic: It snowed yesterday and it was bearable because it was cozy inside.

let's talk about sex and sex ed, baby

For months now, I have thought the name of the new host of our local station's Morning Edition was Malorie DeGay, and I thought it was thoroughly charming. I just learned it's actually BE GAY, and I couldn't love it more. 

Speaking of gay icons, I'm really loving Chappell Roan's music right now. There's something so retro, fun, and transgressive about her music, especially the choral work. If you've listened to "Pink Pony Club," tell me it doesn't remind you of the 80s... of Cyndi Lauper. My favorite song is actually "Good Luck, Babe." It's super catchy and it wasn't until four or five listens in that I figured out that it's not just about an ex (You can kiss a hundred boys in bars/shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling") but also someone who has shoehorned themselves into a heteronormative relationship ("when you wake up next to him in the middle of the night/with your head in your hands, you're nothing more than his wife). Nu thinks it's hilarious that I like this song and has been declaring at the dinner table that "mama is going to go pure lez now" while looking pointedly at their dad. I think it's safe to say the pneumonia is in check and they're back to being their regular cheeky self. 

In regular old sex ed., today I learned that my first-year composition class did not know there were free condoms at the Health Center--how?!?!

And finally, today a student who took a hard stance in their research on porn stating that there is absolutely No Ethical Consumption of Porn gave a presentation that had everyone in class riveted. And as if that wasn't enough, they were inspired to create a piece of art--it's a woman's torso inscribed with porn search terms and "the erogenous zones have objects stuck on them to symbolize objectification." I was marveling at the abundance of thought, time, and effort they had put into this work when they held it out to me and said they wanted me to have it. I don't think I'll ever get over the sheer generosity of this. 

Pic: The new piece of art entrusted to me is now in my office.

snatches of what I tell myself as I fall asleep

summer will       give us back      the world

now is a time     to retreat         and recover 

I promise             I promise     there will be 

reasons to celebrate      reasons    to  sing... 

survival      isn't a solo piece   it's all of us 

in symphony      or ceremony     or clamor

with our love and hope  and our obstinacy

and... our spite     showing up        to  heal

 ______________________

Pic: Huck and Max aren't pleased about where we are either. (I can't remember why they look so pissed here--probably because I got up off the couch?)
 

Escape Sonnet

I wonder where survival will take me tomorrow
if after this night there will be another one
I remember the small things we said
in the small hours
of the dreams
I picked out
for you

for  I 

keep little
I only need a little 
in this frail world of ours 
I wait for you to call me yours 
as I wait for you to tell me the story again 
the clench of your fist easing as it meets flowers

_____________________________

Pic: Under the Beal Street Bridge. 

Out in the world

Grandbaby is out of the NICU and headed home! The parents are keeping photos off social media, so no pics here, but she is so, so adorable.

My Nu went out into the world for the first time in four days… to Urgent Care with Big A where they spent hours waiting to be seen and then fell asleep in the triage room. They have pneumonia and now have antibiotics to help them get better. Fingers crossed. 

 

Also, my cousin/aunt (depending on which branch of the family tree you follow) just published her novel--the first in a series of Neena Sundar mysteries titled A Pre-Med(itated) Murder. There's more on her homepage.  I love how people I love are just going ahead and making their writing dreams come true.

 

I had a meeting with my publishers today and they talked me out of my post-election-panic-induced decision to write a new foreword to my book on trans rhetorics. They think it's time for this book to go out into the world. I don’t know… It feels like a very small hand raised against the coming deluge.

Pic: Baby Nu asleep at Urgent Care. This is somehow so characteristically our plucky Nu and yet so small, lonely, vulnerable... and now sickly—it made me sad. I’m so worried for the kids. StephLove mentioned her nightmares about having to shelter and save kids—that’s where I am too.

Getting free

First some free books! In the wake of the election results, Haymarket Books decided to offer people some free books to build love and resistance. The print versions are highly discounted and the e-versions are 100% FREE for download. I already have Let This Radicalize You, How We Got Free, Freedom is a Constant Struggle, and Class Struggle Unionism, and cannot recommend them highly enough. I'm interested in some of the other titles too.

Next, if you're looking for a nice respite from news of political appointees in the coming year and so on there's uplifting news from the queer world--20 trans and non-binary election night winners say or forever stamps featuring gay icons Keith Haring and Betty White--you can find some nice tidbits in the LGBTQ Newsletter.

We think our freedoms are about to be curtailed. But it could be so much worse. A former student from Russia, who took a women and gender studies course a year ago, asked for a recommendation letter. They have decided to focus on gender and linguistics for their grad studies but say they cannot "conduct any research" on the topics of their interest as "they are currently against the law" and that all of their "professors here in Russia refused to write or sign any documents" for their applications as they are "prohibited." I told them things are about to get tougher here in the U.S. too, but that academia will probably put up a good fight for a few years yet, so to "come on over and help."

Nu is not yet free of fever and still registering a temperature of 102, but their oxygenation is at 99% so Big A isn't too worried; if the fever persists tomorrow, Urgent Care it is. At is sick also but at their own place, and didn't want me to show up with soup or anything, and I know fewer details (so that's extra, extra worrisome). Grandbaby is better! Just jaundice monitoring now, and that feels fairly standard. The upshot of all this illness in the kids is that my reading has come to a screeching halt. I was reading Lincoln in the Bardo, which starts with the death of Lincoln's son, Willie, from a fever--and I... can't.

Pic: A grumpy gyrfalcon (I think?!) I spied while out on my walk today.

"The Only Way to Survive is by Taking Care of Each Other"

Nu's fever spiked to 102 degrees, the grandbaby was still in the NICU, the skies were as gray as the consequences of the election looming over us... I dragged myself out for a walk hoping to clear my head.

When I checked the mailbox on my way out, I found a treasure trove: postcards from Engie and bestie KB, a just-because gift from SD, and a bookmark and button from LB--each with a feisty message to remind me we're going to fight and that we're not alone.

Yesterday, while in Detroit, I got posters with the Grace Lee Boggs quote, "The Only Way to Survive is by Taking Care of Each Other," to put up at home and in my office... and this was my beautiful community taking care of me. 

Time for me to pay it forward and pass it on... I have such a mental block about going to the post office, but I'll learn to get over it.

Pic: A collage of today's goodness.