our strange logics

green the river, green the woods
if we don't have time, time has us

              enflamed with error, the things 

              we mutter soon become mantras 

you must try to forgive everyone  

who said things/happen/a reason 

               finding chance, choice after choice,

               and ways to fold time in your mouth 

steal your turbulent hopes from us

send it toward your own ripe pause

________________________

Further details from the "Gun Story" that surfaced after a few retellings.

1) The kids asked me what the gun looked like and I couldn't remember because I wasn't looking at it. What were you looking at, they asked. That's when I had to admit I'd been distracted by the dog in the backseat of their car and the family erupted into howls of laughter. 

2) On why I'm not afraid I'll bump into the people with the gun again. Their car had temporary Missouri tags, I imagine they were visitors here for the weekend and are no longer in town. (Also, I got a picture of their tag, so I'm not completely useless.)

3) The confused/amused look Big A and I gave each other when the young police officer repeatedly told us they were very unnerved and shaken by this incident. It was very Gen Z of them. 

___________________________

Pic: The river is so green from reflecting the trees here! The Red Cedar in the woods behind L's house.

flickers from other places...

Max is a goofball whereas Scout was a sentimental intellectual-savant, but they do look a lot alike and have some very similar habits. Like Scout, Max loves to be with me when I light the oil lamps in the evening, and sighs the same way Scout did when he settles himself for a nap across my legs, he even plays catch in the same silly way. 

Every morning when we wake up, the first thing Max and I do is go out to the corner where we made a Scout memorial. I ring the wind chimes, while Max (less sentimentally) pees. The other day I was playing catch with Max and he came around the corner just as Scout used to and as I mussed his ears and face, the solar lantern flickered awake although it was not at all close to darkness. It truly felt like Scout was laughing in the moment alongside us. 

*

I woke up from an intense dream last night in which my dad was asking why I hadn't placed a "pottu" on him. For the most part, this is a benign request--you'd place a pottu (the vermillion mark) as a blessing; I put one on myself every time I leave the house, or on the kids when they join me in meditation. But in Tamil slang, "putting a pottu on someone" can signify they have passed away and you're paying your respects to their portrait by putting a pottu on it. So obviously, I woke up dreading the day. Thankfully, it turns out I have no prophetic qualities, and the day passed uneventfully.

*

We had our annual Ganesha seek-and-find today (postponed from Friday). The kids found all 32 Ganeshas, showered them with rosewater, anointed them with turmeric and vermillion, and decorated them with flowers. I translated some Sanskrit slokas for them to enjoy, and they insisted on singing "Happy Birthday" in English as well. They heard about our adventure from yesterday, had so many follow-up questions, and were suitably celebratory not to wake up as orphans today.

Pic: The fam at brunch... Big A, Max, At, and Nu with Huckie underfoot. (I'm trying so hard to ignore the giant pile of napkins waiting to be folded behind A.)

the one with a gun

We'll be telling this story at dinner parties forever. 

Big A and I were on our usual walk to Sparty through the MSU campus when a car careened around the bend and barely screeched to a halt at the stop sign. There were a lot of student-pedestrians around and I have a big mouth on me, so I yelled out, "Slow down!" I guess someone in the car had a big mouth too, because they yelled out, "Boo, Bitch!" This upset Big A who took off running after their car, and they sped off. 

Except they looped around and screeched to a halt next to us again. And three of them (two of them sans shirts) got out of the car. As they got closer: Big A asked for an apology; I told them they were going to hurt someone if they didn't slow down; they accused us of looking at them (which we had been). Then the older guy in his twenties said he was going to get his gun, and... reached between the car seats, got his gun, and tucked it into the waistband of his shorts. I thought I was going to burst into giggles at that point, because this very white guy with a gun kept advancing on Big A, liberally using the N-word, and telling him to get "stepping to it." And then everyone was just staring at each other--we didn't want to get shot, and they didn't want to shoot us, I guess? We told them it wasn't right, I threw in a final instruction to slow down for good measure, we said we were walking away, and so we did.

They took off in the opposite direction... but then they looped around again and pulled up about ten feet ahead of us. That's when I pulled out my phone and called 911. And they took off again, this time for real, when they saw me dialing. And we never saw them again. But we did have to wait for campus police to show up and make a formal report. And then we stayed on the lookout on our way home and snuck our way through the woods just in case their car was still around somewhere, laughing with the adrenalin of it all.

Big A is nice because, I asked, and he said that I hadn't escalated when I yelled at them to slow down--I was doing the right thing and speaking up. I am not so nice, because I told him that I didn't need my honor protected just because some rando called me a bitch, and that he should not have escalated by running after them yelling "What did you call my wife?" etc. Anyway, it was an unlooked-for Saturday adventure.

Pic: Brilliant sky, brilliant Red Cedar--the view from the bridge shortly before it all went down.

Friday vibe

This week seems to have gone by in a rush, but today went quietly. Today is Ganesha Chaturthi, but everyone had work/school so we'll celebrate properly on Sunday.

I worked with my serious independent studies students and took meetings and sat on committee meetings... and yet somehow managed to miss the English department meeting (new time)! It was embarrassing, but my colleagues were very kind about it.

At the end of the day, I printed out the flyer for the book from the publisher's website and plugged my forthcoming publication to the marketing team. My voice has been hoarse for a week, and a former student at the event thought it was hilarious and kept pretending it was because I'd been partying too hard. If only.

Back home, Nu was partying hard--they were out to the football game, senior paint party, and dinner with friends, so Big A and I fed Max and Huckie and made ourselves dinner. I made a very pretty matchstick salad of peppers, carrots, cucumbers, basil, and mint as a bed for the dumplings Big A was frying up. We missed Nu, but I guess this is us on the reg from next year. 

One of the girlfriends sent me a picture of the game, and Nu was in it! I shared it on family chat and claimed I had spies everywhere, but Nu was unfazed and rolled their eyes. When Nu got home at midnight, they shared a compliment they'd been hugging to themselves all day. Their English teacher had told them that they saved Nu's work to read last because it always gave them something to think about. Aw!

Pic: I took some new colleagues an "office-warming" gift. The "ribbons" are in our college's signature plaid and are actually shoelaces.

Thursday things

It has been an absolutely brutal day in the news. Between the French spousal rape case, the French soft right-wing appointment/coup, the latest hindu-fundamentalist accidental same-side lynching, the Ugandan Olympian dying after being set on fire by her boyfriend, the Internet Archive losing its case and the constant drip, drip, drip, of the rising Palestinian death toll... Knowing as we rightly denounce the latest U.S. school shooting that U.S. weapons have destroyed every school in Gaza.

The small habits that save my Thursdays are an early morning walk with KPB around campus before classes start, a chat with my mom on my way home from work, and Subway for dinner that Big A picks up after his shift at the clinic. Also, my last class of the week is surprisingly high-energy and just so joyfully silly and good-natured. They're prone to doing things like bringing up Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" to argue "logos" or spontaneously quizzing each other on where I went to school. I truly feel like I lucked out with this class and hope we keep this energy all semester long.

Pic: When I was 15 I started a poem with, "Every day for breakfast, I had a spoonful of sky..." It remains one of my favorite lines although it was secretly coded to refer to my E.D. This is that sky.  Taken on my walk with KPB this morning.

the things they gave me

As we walk, Big A says he would give anything to be wrong... unlearn everything... wishes he could promise me that there was heaven and I would of course be with Scout again someday. Then we got home after grabbing my Boss Day to-go order from the sushi place and then I had all my babies--Max and Huck and Nu and At around me. It wasn't quite heaven, but contentment enough. 

Later in the evening, as I gathered the mint growing in wild abandon, I remembered Medo Halimy telling the world that he plants as a form of resistance. "They take away life... I bring life to earth," he said as he planted around his tent in Gaza and celebrated each sprig and sprout. This beautiful, lovable person dead at just 19, is yet another young person who has taught me so much. Whether or not I dedicate anything to him formally, his spirit and optimism will echo in my head whenever I tend to my plants. 

Pic: Late evening light at the garden gate. 

C.U.N.T.s

One of my (many) family names is the Telugu title "Dorakanti," and when Big A and I got married, we took the "Dora" part and linked it to part of his Lithuanian Jewish name to make our hyphenated family name. 

Flashforward to a few years later when after years of audience participation in The Vagina Monologues and joyfully yelling "Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!" in reclamation, I wished we'd taken the second half of my family's name. It would have been so cool to have been Prof. Kanti (pronounced "Cunty")--I would have borne that name with extra pride. (Not sure about the rest of the fam though--they're prone to bristle if someone so much as calls them "Dora the Explorer.")

But I got my chance while hanging out with the girlfriends after work this evening. We were making plans to hang out again next Tuesday, and I suggested that if we were going to keep doing this on Tuesdays, perhaps we should just make it official and call ourselves the C.U.N.T.s. (You know--as in the euphemistic acronym for cunt--C U Next Tuesday?) I think our group chat just got renamed "CUNTs." Baby steps.

Pic: On my way to work this morning, a sliver of sunrise over the Maple River. (A bit splotchy through the car window and a bit oblong  from cropping the car out of the frame.)

my calendar is a landscape

my feet are rooted in the ground

my face is in tears 

up at your second-story window 

in the harsh delight of half-light 

my gaze falls halfway 

dry like my breath on your neck 

eager as flame flirting with a book 

inside which everyone 

you thought you loved might live

tell me when it's time to begin 

the burning of July 

so we can take August with us too

________________________

Pic: Recuperating in the hammock (I'm feeling so much better). Someday I want to get a picture of geese heading out in a "V." (Just putting it out there to the universe.)

picking myself up

This morning, I was supposed to go across the street to L's to participate in a local TV interview about the Peace Pole quest she puts on every September. But I woke up feeling poorly, feeling sad Big A wasn't around to care for me.

In the hour before I snapped this picture, I was crying into my bathwater because I felt so feeble. My throat had started to feel tight and painful last night. I'd thought it was just me getting used to using my "lecture voice" again. But Big A had wondered while we were saying goodnight on the phone if I "had the back-to-school 'rona." 

I tested negative for Covid, but I felt awful anyway. But after a good cry, I felt okay enough to get dressed and show up for L. The rest of the day was blankets and books and bed. And buttered toast and scalding hot lemon water. I will survive.

Pic: The reporter setting up cameras. It was a crew of... one

redefining work

I was going to say I didn't do a lick of work today... but that wouldn't be true. 

I just did work that was different from what I'd been doing all week. 

I took care of my zillion indoor plants, cleaned the house, baked some pretty focaccia with herbs and veggies harvested from the garden, cleared the storm debris from the driveway, planned BL's baby shower with them (end of September), celebrated AS's birthday in style, and tended to my three babies--Maxie, Huckie, and Nunie. (Have I mentioned that Nu sometimes calls Max "Maxi Pad?" Rude.) 

And although my grandmother has been gone for many years, I always remember that today used to be her birthday...

Pic: The Red Cedar from the eastward bridge.

birthdays, bookstores...

I got to bed before midnight most days this week--progress! 

I did stay up well past midnight by accident last night, but it was just as well because I got to wish my dad in India a Happy Birthday bright and early. (It's also Chairman Fred Hampton's birthday and Mary Shelley's birthday, so he's in a very special club.) He didn't put his hearing aids in, so we didn't talk for very long though.

At the end of the first week of classes, things are going well (I think). I already know everyone's names--that's kinda my superpower so far. And the older I get, the more adorable I find my students... it was so cute when one of them made up a song to remember how to spell my name. 

It's also EM's birthday and the birthday of the independent bookstore in town so I stopped to pick up some book gifts and was gifted in turn with a lovely heart-to-heart with D.D. who still ministers to my soul although she no longer works as a pastor. 

Pic: My sister (with whom my parents live) sent me this pic of dad at breakfast and it made me miss my dad extra: our old hours-long conversations, his smiley face the way it was.

not giving up

L invited a bunch of us over to her place yesterday to write postcards to people in Georgia urging them to check their voter registration and vote early as "our freedoms are on the ballot on November 5th." We copied addresses out, stuck stamps on, decorated to our hearts' content, and wrote encouraging messages till our hands were cramped. L is not taking things for granted or giving up on American democracy.

Students are not giving up either. They're back on campus and beginning to hold informational meetings and protests. There have already been arrests at Columbia and closer to home at the University of Michigan. In this country, student protests have always been on the right side of history from Vietnam to apartheid South Africa. There are several weeks to the election, and arresting students protesting the shredding of hapless civilians in Gaza by U.S. bombs is... a bad look. Harris-Walz will need to address that swiftly. 

Pic: A couple of my co-writers and the Red Cedar through L's living room windows yesterday...

And he's off...

Big A set off for the five-day Dick Allen Lansing to MacKinaw Bicycle Tour (the DALMAC) this morning. A few friends were surprised/concerned because he was in the hospital with long Covid just last month. 

If I'm being honest, I am too. But A can make decisions for himself and it's all fairly local, so I can always go pick him up if he decides to bail. He really does look forward to this tour every year, and I hope he has a lovely time!

Pic: Big A figures out how to ride a bike... KIDDING! Big A sets off for the DALMAC.

yeses and umms

Yes!: The huge thunderstorm that arrived in the morning on my way to work even as the people on the radio called a heat advisory to warn that the day would feel like 105 degrees. My outside plants and new trees needed the rain so badly and it saved me having to do one more thing on an already busy day. Umm: Nu got thoroughly soaked on the way to the school bus and had to go home to change and then be dropped off at school. (By Big A after he got home from his overnight shift)

Yes!: Hearing At on NPR's Morning Edition! The NLRB has determined that Chipotle's decision to withhold raises to its unionized workers is illegal. As one of the labor organizers, At got to say a few words on how despite everything, the workers remain very pro-union. Umm: Not sure if the decision has any bearing on contract negotiations (ongoing for two years now) and if there will be backpay (which would be awesome!). 

Yes! A colleague encouraged me to go home early after looking at the weather forecast, and I made it home ok in the huge thunderstorm that accompanied me on my way home despite downed trees everywhere and 60-mile gusts of wind. Umm: A second thunderstorm on the same day? There were massive traffic backups due to flooding and traffic lights being out so my plans with the girlfriends got canceled and I had to eat leftovers with Big A and Nu like a pleb. 

Pic: A mullein thicket out front earlier this week. An umm but also a yes? They came up as weeds, but I hear they have health benefits. 

celebrations (and an observance)

National and international doggie day today!! Every day is a day to celebrate our doggie family and friends. But here's extra love for Max, Huckie, Scoutie, Izzy, Chester, Popo, Henry, Zoe, JoJo and also to the doggies we know in Internet land--Rex, Hannah, Zydrunas, Mochi, and Mr. Darcy--today.

It's Janmashtami!! The birthday of Krishna, the little blue boy, as my kids like to call him. Nu has always been a fan just because he's so pretty and always getting into trouble, and I think he's recently been reclaimed by second-gen Hindu kids as an LGBTQ icon. We had a small Indian feast and pooja to celebrate this evening. Back home, my favorite tradition was how people would borrow toddlers and dip their feet in wet rice flour so when they ran around your house, the floors would be decorated with "Baby Krishna's footprints." For a country with the highest growing population, Indians really delight in kids.

It's here! The first week of classes! And I'm so ready... I'll be in three classrooms tomorrow, and... my Canvas sites are live, my syllabi are uploaded, classes have been welcomed via email, diagnostics are loaded, and class plans are posted. I'm excited and keyed up! I hope I get to sleep early...

And finally, it is the six-month anniversary of Aaron Bushnell's brave, brave sacrifice. There's not a day I don't think of that young man and the sweetness of his dear face in the photos. I've never watched the video, but I probably know every word of his note by heart. Despite the horrific manner of his death, I always think of what he did as something intrinsically life-affirming. 

Pic: Max and Huck say hello to my mom on the phone!

Six on Saturday

1) Yesterday on our local NPR station's "Michigan Minute" they talked about The Who's drummer Keith Moon celebrating his 21st birthday in Flint, MI with a wild cake party, driving his car into the pool at the Holiday Inn, and getting arrested. Later yesterday, I read about the same incident in the novel I was reading (Chevy in the Hole! Recommended!). On the anniversary of when it first happened on August 23, 1967!

2) Nu came home from school with homework and... a terrible facial rash. There were lots of photos on family chat and we ended up going to Urgent Care who deemed it contact dermatitis, which is a nothingburger of a diagnosis. It could be due to sunscreen, new detergent, or something in the air. Nu got a steroid shot and a prednisone taper to help. 

3) Today, I was blissfully soaking in the hot tub when I got chills all over--one floor up, on the other side of the window glass, I could see a very delicate shape slithering around, flickering out its tongue and waving its tail. A snake. Nu laughed at me when I told my "scary story." "So a snake lives outside where it's supposed to live" was their reasonable summary of the situation. I had to laugh too. The family has now dubbed the snake Mx. Slithers. 

4) I'm totally wowed by the 90-second video StephLove's son Noah worked on for the DNC--it was the walk-on video for Kamala Harris! He also worked on this piece about abortion. 

5) Also, hello--Kamala's HQ is all about the "Brat" rebranding, but I've been my own version of "Brat" since 2006!  My "Brat" comes from a nickname my schoolmates gave me based on my other first name and the "Poco" part is both the usual abbreviation of "Po(st)co(lonial)" and "un Poco."

6) Pic: My blurry picture of our black-eyed Susans--I was afraid Mx. Slithers would jump out at me, I guess.

learning to haunt

I walk so far, all I can remember 

of life is living itself 

the sunset stippling my face as 

the arch in my foot aches   

I dream about shadows in the woods

and hug my hunger close 

like a tiny puddle that will be sucked 

back into the earth overnight 

______________

Pic: resplendent evening skies, puddles

American Empire

[If you're riding a high from the DNC, please skip this post. 

I'm a bit demoralized from the bread-and-circuses model. I want to hear more about childcare, labor, healthcare, paid family leave, housing, etc. and less about "lethal fighting forces." I can't stop thinking how according to the Department of Housing and Urban Development, it would cost $20 billion to end homelessness in the United States and we sent that much just this week to an ally who will use it to bomb civilians in Gaza.]

Morning   I thought UAW (United Auto Workers) leadership stated it succinctly, "If we want peace, if we want real democracy, and if we want to win this election, the Democratic Party must allow a Palestinian American speaker to be heard from the DNC stage tonight."

I spent hours calling representatives and helping friends call their representatives to get at least two minutes for Rep. Ruwa Romman of Georgia to speak from the main stage on behalf of Palestinian Americans. In her vetted speech, she would have endorsed Harris-Walz and encouraged uncommitted voters to unite behind them. But none of that happened. This was an immense opportunity for goodwill squandered by the Harris-Walz camp.

Afternoon A colleague I hadn't seen all summer asked me if I was excited Kamala Harris is a presidential nominee. I must have looked blank because he clarified, "She's an Indian woman!" This no doubt comes from a well-meaning place, but I probably have more in common with her Marxist professor father than with someone who was a D.A. 

And also, I wondered if it would be rude if I in turn asked him if he was excited because Trump is a presidential nominee as they're both white men.

Evening   Snippets from the Democratic National Convention.

"I will ensure America always has the most lethal fighting force..." (Kamala Harris) 

"U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" (crowd)

"So they put a rifle in my hand/sent me off to a foreign land/to go and kill the yellow man" (Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." plays overhead) [Why do people think this is a patriotic song to play at conventions?!]

(Last) First day!

And Nu is off to school as a senior. 

I was permitted maybe 20 seconds to take a picture this morning--but only because I begged (please Nu, it's the last first day of school!)! So I don't have any pics in which Max and Huck aren't blurry. But look at our Nu! All tall and shiny and ready!

After I posted on FB, I watched the memories roll in: the friend who threw my bridal shower and was Nu's first visitor, Nu's daycare provider, my aunts, grade school friends, old neighbors... the sweet, earnest suggestions from the young friends who used to be my students...

People are such a blessing in my life. 

Nu had a good first day: they attended the half-day of school, went out to lunch with friends, came home to veggie upma, and opened their back-to-school presents. (At and I found some tees we thought they'd like when we went thrifting last week, so with some new notebooks, a calendar, a copy of Ross Gay's Book of Delights, a handful of study snacks, and their six-month supply of contacts that just came in, there was plenty for them to unbox.)

Pic: Screengrab from my FB post about Nu's first day as an H.S. senior. That's a lot of "likes" and comments, but please note at least four of those comments are just from my mom! lol

Phil Donahue dies and two Js break my heart

TW, CW: Child Sexual abuse, Disordered eating. 

Phil Donahue died yesterday. I'm glad he lived. I watched reruns of his show when it aired in India and I think it was my first experience of watching people very different from me tell their stories and noting how it shifted my mindset. I learned only *today* while listening to his obituary on NPR that his spouse was Marlo Thomas! My mom played us Free to be You and Me (that's all I know her from), which we loved back in the day, and I'm glad he had such a worthy companion. 

J #1 is in Big A's hometown of Yellow Springs, Ohio. In fact, J babysat Big A when he was a kid! Our kids were in nursery school together, and Nu loved her son E. In fact, that's what Nu announces on camera in the 2012 annual Antioch School video: "I love him!". J is sweet and serene and generous. So when she shared on FB yesterday that it was a Phil Donahue episode on incest that helped her understand the abuse she had experienced since the age of 6 (she was around 12 when the show aired), I really wanted to find and hurt her abuser. Instead, I posted a supportive message, and she said, "Knowing people like you helps healing."  That also broke my heart.

J #2 is local, fun, and feminist. And... it makes me really sad that she obsesses over her weight. I think she is beautiful, but she won't believe me. So one minute we're talking politics, and the next she'll bemoan not being thin. Literally. No warning or segue. Yesterday, she was talking about Hillary Clinton at the DNC and the next thing she texted was: "She looks thin and beautiful. My Dr won't give me ozempic. Two neighbors are on it and in two months they lost 30 lbs!" And then she listed what she ate and her weight. She barely eats, and I feel sad about her poor body doing its best and J punishing it by withholding food. Not to mention how all the frequent diet, exercise, and weightloss talk makes me think about body issues more than I ever want to. I want to be a good friend, but this is breaking my heart (and also my spirit).

Pic: What pic? I realized I've been so busy with the back-to-campus Fall Conference that I haven't taken any pics at all. Yikes.