TW, CW: Child Sexual abuse, Disordered eating.
Phil Donahue died yesterday. I'm glad he lived. I watched reruns of his show when it aired in India and I think it was my first experience of watching people very different from me tell their stories and noting how it shifted my mindset. I learned only *today* while listening to his obituary on NPR that his spouse was Marlo Thomas! My mom played us Free to be You and Me (that's all I know her from), which we loved back in the day, and I'm glad he had such a worthy companion.
J #1 is in Big A's hometown of Yellow Springs, Ohio. In fact, J babysat Big A when he was a kid! Our kids were in nursery school together, and Nu loved her son E. In fact, that's what Nu announces on camera in the 2012 annual Antioch School video: "I love him!". J is sweet and serene and generous. So when she shared on FB yesterday that it was a Phil Donahue episode on incest that helped her understand the abuse she had experienced since the age of 6 (she was around 12 when the show aired), I really wanted to find and hurt her abuser. Instead, I posted a supportive message, and she said, "Knowing people like you helps healing." That also broke my heart.
J #2 is local, fun, and feminist. And... it makes me really sad that she obsesses over her weight. I think she is beautiful, but she won't believe me. So one minute we're talking politics, and the next she'll bemoan not being thin. Literally. No warning or segue. Yesterday, she was talking about Hillary Clinton at the DNC and the next thing she texted was: "She looks thin and beautiful. My Dr won't give me ozempic. Two neighbors are on it and in two months they lost 30 lbs!" And then she listed what she ate and her weight. She barely eats, and I feel sad about her poor body doing its best and J punishing it by withholding food. Not to mention how all the frequent diet, exercise, and weightloss talk makes me think about body issues more than I ever want to. I want to be a good friend, but this is breaking my heart (and also my spirit).
Pic: What pic? I realized I've been so busy with the back-to-campus Fall Conference that I haven't taken any pics at all. Yikes.
14 comments:
I can really relate to your second Jenn, in fact I was just writing something about that right now. In this town I have a lovely circle of friends, but a few of them are constantly talking about how they hate their bodies and need to lose weight, and it breaks my heart every time. I have a very hard time listening to it.
I really like both of these resistive readings of Phil Donahue-- as a kid I also loved his show but did not have the same critical thinking skills. Second Jenn is Very Relatable-- have you seen the South Park ozempic episode?
Sad.
It's really hard to have a healthy relationship with your body, especially for women, and especially heavier women.
I loved Phil Donahue; I was practically raised on him since my father watched him as often as possible. He was always so respectful of his guests and audience members.
I grew up with a brother who constantly bullied me about my weight. For whatever reason, my parents did nothing to stop him. It led to a lifelong concern about weight and body image, regardless of size, and I haven't had a weight problem in 30 years. I really have no idea how I look anymore, and I often don't recognize myself if I happen to see my reflection. I understand your friend somewhat.
Oh, poor Jenns. Both those scenarios are heartbreaking. Particularly the second one, because it sounds like Jenn #1 has found a way to cope with her trauma (at least, that's what I'm hoping.) Yes, it would be tough to cope with Jenn #2- you want to help her but on the other hand I would want to talk about weight that much either.
I LOVE Free to be You and Me!!! I listened to it as a kid, and then listened to it again with my own kids. So good.
You're a good friend, Maya. That is all. I just want you to know that you're a good friend and the Jenns are lucky to have you in their lives.
It occurs to me that you're at least a decade younger, but also I was watching very old episodes so maybe we were watching the same Donahues! I'll have to seek out this South Park ep.
Yup!
Steph--The way you said that really made me reevaluate how I've been responding. Thank you.
Nance--Yes! The respect for the audience bit is something I picked up on too.
I am sorry about your brother bullying you unimpeded. But... I love the freedom you're describing in not caring how you appear because you know yourself. That is certainly my goal.
Jenny--Love that you listened to Free to be You and Me with your kids--it's a gem! I did once or twice too--but it didn't take. My kids also disdained Neverending Story and E.T. (I worry they don't have good taste :)
I will be there for Jenn #2, and the weight talk is difficult for me too.
Engie <3 Thank you. This makes me determined to be a better one.
Also--I changed names to initials to anonymize stuff a bit. I usually do this, but forgot before publishing yesterday.
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