from eremition

I lie here

I don't count the days
anymore than I count trees

they're here 

and although real

also possess speechlessness

as if a call  

of golden light spilling 

from an eagerly opened door

its mouth 

holding in itself

a hole promising easy extinction 

_____________

Pic: Two green parakeets in a tree last week in Athens. We had to walk through this park to get anywhere, and we called it "AntiFascist Park" because of all the graffiti. #Greece

"Ammu, feeling vomitty"

Strong nausea all day yesterday, even through our anniversary dinner and I got through it all without spoiling it for Big A. But I was so bewildered by the timing of it, because no one else at home had it, and I was otherwise fine etc. 

Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)

And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.

Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her. 

"drive safe"

Our TWENTIETH anniversary today! It feels both shorter than that and longer than that...

We went to dinner by ourselves where they presented us with some delicious champagne and then I ordered a sangria on top of that. Given how rarely I drink, it all did go to my head. So it made me giggle when our very young, very sweet, very attentive waiter wished us well at the end of the meal and looked directly at me when he said to "drive safe." I wasn't driving. 

Pic: Big A, me, and our ring bearer, At, 20 years ago. 

"come back soon"

Anyone we said goodbye to--hosts, cab drivers, colleagues, random people we met--told us to "come back soon." Or they told us more forcefully that we HAVE to come back soon. That's more like it, actually. 

I'm already kinda dreaming of a trip with At (who just started a new job and couldn't make it this time) for the next time. 

We're getting ready for our 24-hour journey back home. We're all still just cabin luggage for our ten-day trip so there's not a lot to pack, but Nu and Big A are going to have to carry some presents home for me as their "personal items." Can't wait to pick up Max and Huckie from "Boarding School."

Pic: Every Greek street seemed lined with orange and lemon trees and all of them were laden with fruit. #Greece

"you could have lied"

E.M's colleague has an archaeological dig near Corinth, and they invited us to come for a visit. So I went off for the day with EM and we got a tour of a dig site from a real archaeologist who loves their work and introduced us to several other archaeologists and showed us so many relics dating back millennia (some 600 B.C.) and archaeology journals from the 1920s and 30s.

I geeked out big time all day in Isthmia and Corinth and got home rather late. And then I might have said it was the best day of the vacation. "Ouch" Big A said, "You could have lied." Ha.

Pic: I'm holding a cup from the Byzantium age in my own dang hand. I also so a lamp, where the clay had been wet when the potter was handling it, so their fingerprint is deposited on it. From 2300 years ago! #Greece

"with a friend"

We took a boat trip across the Saronic Gulf to Aegina and Agistri today. I'll be looking at pictures and videos of the sea and skies for a long time... the blues are fairly incredible. Even in the moment, they seemed unreal. 

Hunting for the perfect pistachio ice cream as one does on Aegina, Nu and I stopped at a beautiful Byzantine church. (I light candles for Scout and my mama everywhere I go.) 

The elderly woman who had been cleaning some pictures stopped and marched up to me, and I got a bit nervous wondering if I'd forgotten to take off my hat or was sitting in the wrong chair... but it turned out that she just wanted to confirm that I was Indian and give me compliments and appear thoroughly devastated that we were there only for the day. (My conversations with Greek people are in the 100th percentile for sweetness, I swear.) 

She kept referring Nu as "my friend" although we both explained how we were related a couple of times, so I kept reminding Nu to be a good friend for the rest of the day. 

Pic: Big A's candid of my "friend" Nu and me on the boat. #Greece

"greasy dudes in Greece"

Trip to Delphi today. I don't think even the Oracle could have explained why the tour company gave us more than three hours at various convenience stops and and then just an hour at the ruins... and LESS THAN AN HOUR at the museum. I could spend an hour just on The Charioteer alone. 

On our way home, Nu and Big A decided to stay outside while I picked up some stuff at the grocery. But suddenly Big A was at my elbow asking me if I needed help to carry stuff out. I did not, but A did not like the guy who'd let me cut the line and was talking to me. Nu and A think I talk to too many "greasy dudes in Greece." I just talk to everyone is all.

Pic: My judgy crew. #Greece

"of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!"

When the taxi driver tried to confirm the address I'd copy-pasted into the app, I apologized about not being able to actually read what I'd pasted out loud. 

He waved away my apology, forgiving everything with a breezy, "of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!" I've been smiling about his niceness and possible language shade.

After our presentation today, EM noticed that people say "Congratulations!" instead of "nice presentation" or whatever. It certainly feels way more celebratory. Lots of interest in the QR code for our CFP (It's been viewed over a 100 times at this point!) Three people helped us get our slide deck on the screen, and each one had a keyboard that was in a different language (Greek, Portuguese, French). It felt like very transnational solidarity.

Pic: Cafe near the university. I experienced a pang of envy about not being able to recreate the beauty of the vining wisteria and bougainvillea at home. #Greece

"I am lucky to wake up and meet you today"

I don't want to jinx it, but I just have the nicest encounters in Greece. 

The first time I was here (by myself in 2019), my taxi driver in Athens was so excited to find out that I was traveling to Olympia the next day. He said that he was from Olympia and that I should go to the cafe right by the museum and let them know that Giorgos had sent me to say hello and that they would take care of me. In some places this would have been a prank, but he was so earnest and insistent, that I did indeed (diffidently) stop by the cafe the next day.

When I told the barkeep that Giorgos had sent me, he stopped what he was doing, and announced it to the whole cafe, and then everyone proceeded to cheer and drink to my health. The more I think about this, the more likely it seems that they may not have known who Giorgos was (and it's just George in Greek, so such a popular name too), but did not want me to feel stupid.

Today when I wandered off to find a cash machine (as the monasteries in Meteora don't accept cards), the woman whose shop the ATM was at, made such a fuss of me. "I am lucky to wake up and meet you today," she said after she gave me a small bag of cherries to share with Big A and Nu. 

Hospitality and unlooked for kindness every where I see here. 

I think often also of that 2018 Joanna Kakissis story on NPR where she talked about how her Greek family in Lesbos was trying to help Syrian and other refugees coming in across the Mediterranean as "the rest of the E.U. won't take them." 

Ancient Greek history has so much war, but all that's left now is the legendary Greek hospitality.

Pic: I'm up on a ledge, with an Omen-like sunbeam slicing me. But then, I have monasteries perched to my right and left. #Greece

"sway with me"

Walking down the street after conference registration, I almost lost it when a street musician struck up the chords to "Sway." It was one of my mom's favorite songs.

E.M. and I met up later to see an open-air theater play. It was an assembly of snippets (Medea, Antigone, a bit of Aristophanes, + Homeric lore). It was powerful. Especially the Medea. The Parthenon and sunset peeking over the skyline made it all extra amazing.

It felt a bit like going back in time, what with our glasses of wine (I spilled mine halfway through the show when there was a jump scare) and the actors in masks.

Pic: We were encouraged to take pictures, so I did. #Greece

"and after that she had a son by her husband... yeah, right"

I'd dreamed of bringing Big A to Epidaurus for a very long time. I remember so well the first time I encountered Epidaurus in Mary Stewart's Moonspinners, when I was in middle school. The idea that if the god of medicine, Asclepius, visited you in your sleep, you'd be healed was something I remind myself of every time my sleep schedule gets a bit more fucked.

But I wanted to bring Big A here because it seemed to be a place a doctor might geek out about. (He didn't, but he was very indulgent about my excitement. And I ditched him to go geek out by myself a bit later). It also has the best preserved amphitheater, with tremendous acoustics (you can hear a coin drop on the stage all the way up on the lip) and we enjoyed the climb after the very long drive.

One of the plaques described how Andromache of Epirus came to the sanctuary for offspring. She dreamed that a handsome youth lifted up her dress and that the god touched her belly. And that "and after that she had a son by her husband Arrybas." Yeah, right--we joked. And then later in the evening, I started to worry that it all sounded a bit rape-y. 

Pic: I can't even believe the blue of that sky. #Greece

Cape no fear

Despite the steep cliffs and the razor blade rocks, it's very peaceful up at the Poseidon temple over Cape Sounion. My favorite uncle sails, so I always say a special prayer when I'm here, just in case the old gods are listening.

Pic: I love this sunset, and Nu, and the fact that they have a soft spot for Pitbull (check the tee) because I once told them that my girlfriends took me to a Pitbull concert for my bachelorette party (and then to Scores, IYKYK). #Greece

I don't remember anything about the concert except that Pitbull was very sweaty and had to keep wringing out the towel he was using to mop up. We were right up front too. There are very few people whose sweat wouldn't bother me, and Pitbull was never on that list, so I was a bit worried it would get on me.

(One month since Mom's 80th birthday. No matter how much I distract myself, that internal calendar keeps track.) 

Ah, Athens

Lots of adventures on our travels, yesterday: a canceled flight, being rerouted to Heathrow, 24+ hours of airports...

But we're here!

We checked in to our apartment, stocked up on food, unpacked, and got a good night's sleep.

This morning, we walked to the Acropolis to see the Parthenon. I will never, ever get over how small and excited I feel to be here.

Pic: Also, I didn't realize how tall Nu has gotten. #Greece

I dream of the Aegean

Somehow, it's suddenly June 5th, and I'm on the cusp of the conference in Athens with E.M.

And somehow, Big A and Nu are going with me too. None of them have been to Greece before, and E.M. and Nu love Greek mythology, and Big A loves me, and I can't wait to show off one of my favorite places in the world to all these loves. 

We leave tomorrow. Ten days in a hotel room might be too much, so for the first time, I've rented a VRBO for us. I hope it's a good experience. I spied Ursula K. Guin on the bookshelves in the online pictures, so I'm taking that as an excellent sign.

Pic: The Aegean Sea from Cape Sounion when I was there with my Chelli two years ago.  #Greece

pere c'est police/Persepolis

The first text Big A sent me this morning was about how Marjane Satrapi had died. Over the course of the day, I came to learn it was probably from a broken heart after losing her partner of thirty years last year.

Persepolis changed my mind about so many things... including the graphic novel genre. I always thought I'd meet her someday, and might have if she wasn't gone too soon.

This quote really says so much: “If I have one message to give to the secular American people, it’s that the world is not divided into countries. The world is not divided between East and West. You are American, I am Iranian, we don’t know each other, but we talk together and we understand each other perfectly. The difference between you and your government is much bigger than the difference between you and me. And the difference between me and my government is much bigger than the difference between me and you. And our governments are very much the same.”

And because of the pun in the title, I found myself muttering Persepolis, Pere c'est police (Father police) under my breath a lot.

Pic: Max and Huckie wonder about my muttering.

layers of unhappiness

UDL teaching workshop this morning--I was learning a lot, and contributing a lot. After watching the short documentary clip about kids with ADHD, I told a story about my babyhood that made the classroom go "aw" and chuckle. Except that after everyone had returned to the work at hand, I kept seeing my mom as an earnest new parent and I just... shut down and had to leave the meeting early. 

(The story goes that I was not a good sleeper as an infant. I was hyperactive--and from six months onwards--very talkative. When my parents brought it up to the pediatrician, they said that it was probably because I was very brainy and constantly at work. That was so smart of the pediatrician, because it immediately mollified my parents and they never complained about my weird nocturnality again.)

Pic: Long walk-and-talk with JG in the afternoon. I inscribed two books (the Trans book and the poetry anthology) for her. I updated the annual report last night and was struck by how my scholarship, mentorship, and service for this one year would be a decent tenure-deserving record in most places. And the reason I'm having uncharacteristically braggy and uncharitable thoughts like these is because I'm so disappointed at work right now. 

in the abrupt language of going

even before I can probe 

life's chronic condition

hello to day and goodbye

looping around dalliances 

every lifetime seeming

 an infinite too artificial

they say you're gone forever

but you're never dead to me

I find I plead for more time

even if it ends up a hard time

and now goodbye

After an amazing brunch with At at SuperKhana, Big A and I headed back to Lansing. Nu is spending a few extra days with their big sib and taking the train home later this week. 

I love how that sounds.

I couldn't help thinking how excited my mom would have been to hear these plans and marvel at how grownup the kids were getting.

Pic: Nu, H, and At at the door of At's place.  
 

belated birthday

It's still technically May 

and we get to celebrate At's 27th!

I love how pretty and happy she looks <3 

 

Chicago!

Off to Chicago to see At...

Here's our obligatory Cloud Gate/Bean photograph.

The last time was for my birthday trip right before the pandemic! Scout's there!

https://www.pocobrat.net/2020/03/notes-on-camp.html