Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)
And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.
Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her.
12 comments:
Vomity is never fun. But I'm glad you made it through your anniversary and congratulations! I loved the photos of your mum and mum-in-law. Such joy. Hold onto the joy, my friend.
I LOVE these photos! I can see the joy and personality on both their faces.
Grief is so all-encompassing. ❤️ A therapist I respect says, “sadness is the souls way of saying ‘this mattered’.” Quite an understatement for your magnificent ammu. She mattered and so much more!
Xoxo
Oh, oh, oh. As soon as I saw the title my heart seized. I know exactly the scene and oh, my heart.
Stephanie said it all for me.
I hope that, soon, your memories trigger only happiness, love, and the feeling of gratitude that you had such a wonderful mother with you as long as you did. XO
Beautiful photos. I'm sorry for the physical and psychological nausea.
Oh goodness, I GET IT. For me it’s the other end, I’m sorry to say, but it is very physical right in my gut.
That I will do, Jeanie; thank you. I did smile looking at those photos--impossible not to!
Thank you, dear Steph! Yes, and it's a good thing my mom did lots of funny and silly things because there's something to smile about even through the sadness.
That book! And you just read/reread it recently too, no?
Nance, I've never thought of the element of "as long as you did" before. At first I bristled, we always want more time. But it is true I suppose. That IS something to be grateful for. <3
Thank you, Steph. Time will heal, I'm sure.
I'm sorry, J. Hugs, hugs, hugs. I learned recently from A that the gut is central to our systemic health! "Gut feeling" isn't just a term!
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