sign of the times

Just a reminder to my future self that while I continue to do the things expected of me and that I expect of myself, I'm living a fractured life at the end of 2023. 

Paralysis and helplessness and dissociation walk hand in hand with loss and sorrow and outrage.

I celebrated NWSA, Diwali, Hanukkah, and will celebrate Christmas, and the New Year. Sitting with ancestral songs, family and friends, sharing stories and hopes and food... This is the only way I know to get through this time... To mourn loss while holding love close and celebrating life.

Pic: I love this graphic from the Lebanese musician and artist Mazen Kerbaj, which captures the simultaneity of ongoing horrors and our own modes of survival. There's a clearer version here.

the shortest day's journey into reading and writing

Happy Solstice! I thought I had a solstice hike planned at Fenner Center, but the event seems to have vanished, and we seem to have missed the UU's solstice celebration yesterday. Anyway... I'm still celebrating the arrival of longer days in my heart!

*

I'm almost done with a review letter for a colleague from another university. I dithered for so long because I didn't know where to start as this person is just such an overachiever. I feel even my eight-page letter doesn't do justice to all they do. But I think I've done my best and it may be time to just submit it. (And move on to other writing projects.)

* 

When the kids and I met Justice Sonia Sotomayor at a reading five or so years ago, I was very taken by her two daily rules: do something for someone else (even if it's just a phone call) and read and learn something every day. Although I read a lot for work, it became a practice to read something "for myself" since then. I keep short stories and flash fiction around so I can read something even on days when I don't have time for a longer reading project. 

*

I think that resolution just became easier to keep as my alma mater has just come up with what they're calling The Ten-minute Book Club--a treasury of literary pieces that are quite thought-provoking. There's another similar enterprise they're calling LitHits (it's a Substack) here.

*

And while on writing, a well-known writer friend, PM, is doing a New Year's Eve "write-in" where all of us writers (and wannabes) will be online on New Year's Eve, writing to prompts or following the beat of our own hearts and drums. I can share their invite privately if anyone's interested. 

*

Pic: Max, the librarian, will see you now! Doesn't he just look so magisterial in this? 

(Will I give away my books? I don't think I'm ready! We have a Little Free Library outside that I do keep stocked, however.)

out with the new

L and I decided while we were walking yesterday that it's hopelessly impossible/impracticable/unacceptable to be perpetually happy in the world we live in. BUT! It is possible to create and enjoy moments of joy and then both of us were trying to tell each other the other person was the best at that. "You are the best at creating joy!" "No! You are!!" The ultimate polite fight!

I've been getting so much joy in these past few months taking things to the Fretail Store and getting people things from their online wish lists. Especially from our Buy-Nothing group, which has become mostly requests from people who are going through hard times and need help getting presents for their kids. A family or two a day gets looped into grocery store expenditure and doesn't hurt us. Especially as our own kids are too grown, too cool, and too socially aware for most stuff. And especially since I'm very much of the but-for-the-grace-of-God/the-universe school of thought. 

"I'll get some books and toys for their tree," I chirpily offered online this morning. And then today's family turned out to have 11 kids. But you can't just buy for some kids in the family, so I had to be creative with multipacks of toys and books and games that could be shared. The choices I make are sometimes sad and informed by my CASA training: no food-themed toys, for instance, as food insecurity might be present (Have you ever seen a food-themed object and craved that food? Now imagine you are a kid with no money); no toys requiring adult supervision as single parents are probably already overstretched and overworked; nothing about looking for bio families--so no Are You My Mother-type books. 

Life should be more fair for children. A new mom I know says she'll never tell her kids about Santa since she doesn't want to perpetuate her childhood anguish at seeing Santa bring the rich kids expensive gifts and dollar-store baubles to the poor ones.

Pic: Unopened gifts culled from my kids' rooms headed for the Fretail Store. To be fair, the kids didn't ask for any of these, but I'd pored over catalogues and best-of lists and really thought they'd like them. 

a morning manifesto

(story)

Every morning, with 

exactly seven squeezes 

of lemon in my tea

I feel like every child 

who has ever dreamed 

of being free

(start)

and although the future 

turns out differently 

than it used to be 

everything is still birthed 

and broken, cracked 

open--I still believe 

(stutter) 

I... still try... for love

--here on the ground 

we... could be... become 

a surround... a vast tent... 

a tenderness for children as they 

throw their arms to the sky

_____________________________

Pic: The Red Cedar from the woods behind L's house. It's funny how things get into our heads. I've always liked pictures of the water, but as I was taking this photo, I could hear Engie saying somewhere how she always wants to photograph reflections.

Wild and Precious Life: every day magic

My goodness! First, a (too) generous mention from Nicole... thank you, Nicole! And then this confectioners'-sugar dusting of snow over the day. (Not enough to make me feel like I should shovel or cause any road accidents, but perfect for creating christmassy magic.)

It was too drippy to walk outside so I walked in the mall. And let the record show I spent no money at all. (I did preorder copies of my friend Jan Shoemaker's new book, Slow Learner, at the bookstore, but I'll have to pay only at pickup, so technically I didn't spend today.) And then! I saw JS herself just walking along merrily and got a hug and an update on the wedding she had to attend on Saturday instead of (hmmpf) coming to my cookies and cocktails party. (It was a "dry" wedding she said, making a moue.) A few minutes later, as I was thinking the last time I was at the mall was when we were shopping for JL's mom's birthday...I saw JL! I bet pre-cellphone, 90's teens felt a bit like this when they saw their friends at the mall too.

Pic: Stopping to pick up the mail...

up and down and around

Yesterday's party is put away. And I vacuumed and dusted and cleaned the entire house. Do other people also clean the house after entertaining?  We used to have cleaners--sometimes twice a week--before we moved here. We're in a bigger house now but I'm the main cleaner. I feel we're going a bit in reverse here. 

Big A has been in Milwaukee for work for the past three days. I couldn't wait for him to get home... and then we promptly squabbled within the first half hour after he did. (All good now. I thought he was egging on Huck and Max who were playing fighting. I probably went too far when I brought up Michael Vick.)

Otherwise, a slow and quiet day. The all-day misty drizzle inspired me to make a big pot of soup. I'm so chuffed that Nu (the baking enthusiast extraordinaire) likes my cranberry-pistachio shortbread! I took a a long walk with L, a long soak by myself, and have all the cookies I can handle for dessert. 

Pic: These koi at the Radiology Gardens aren't coy. Haha.

it's two o' clock somewhere

Like maybe two or three days ago, I wanted to see my girlfriends and give them their presents and my MIL had sent over a huge box of cookies, so I invited people over for an afternoon of "cookies and cocktails" because I thought that sounded quirky. Since the plan was to start at 2:00, most people could come despite the short notice. 

I cut several sprigs of holly from our overgrown bush in the backyard to slip into little planters and felt very festive. And then it felt a bit naughty (in the nicest way) to add rum to our punch or Bailey's to our cocoa so early in the day.

We played a holiday version of Two Truths and a Lie (or Two Truths and No Lies or just Two Lies--my people don't believe in rules) so people who didn't know each other too well could laugh and commiserate with each other. I like when friends I made in different times and places get to know each other and become friends themselves.

I'm really proud of my cranberry-pistachio shortbread (I added dried rose petals) and the pretty ice ring (to keep the punch cold--I didn't have a "ring mold" so I used a bundt pan). Bonus: Planning and pulling everything off took up so much of my brain space that I didn't have time to worry about stuff. I keep telling myself that celebrations are good, that we should all be celebrating, and we should celebrate for those who are unable to. 

It felt good to celebrate and be with the wonderful women who have all done me so much kindness and supported me in so many ways through the years. They are life-sustaining in a quite literal sense for me.

The only thing is everyone brought cookies too, and although I sent people home with treat bags, we still have more than we started with. 

Pic: A shot Nu took when they snuck in to help themselves to more cookies. I can see my ice ring in the foreground (in my soup bowl pressed into service as a punch bowl), and me in the background (talking with my arms).