so long

A day of goodbyes: an early morning stroll with L who is "on call" while At is in charge of the younger sibs, visits with my CASA kids, drinks with girlfriends this evening, extended hugs and detailed notes for the kids, wondering what Max will make of my absence...

Still unresolved: some packing dilemmas and general anxiety. I just gave myself a stern talking-to about how incongruous it is to be panicking about vacation. 

Pic: Waterlilies waking up; at MSU Radiology Gardens with L.

(as if) I am

I am not afraid of what I wished for 

I am a rock, I can grow old--

though tides pass over me like words 

for feelings I don't know

I sit still as breath in a shell, wonder

which side of sleep I am on

I open my arms to show you how big
but the ocean is already gone

Note: I guess I'm already daydreaming about sitting oceanside, although that's not till the end of the week. I'm so excited...

Pic: Max and Huck post groomer's. Max has such heart-emoji eyes for their big sib. Huck has somehow already lost their bandana.

bird by bird (or sheep by sheep)

Ok, it's past 3:00 am and I really should go to be in bed, but: 

• Huck and Max are cuddling on my feet,
• I've been working on the online course assignments that came with my service enlistment after a kind and encouraging reminder from the course facilitator, 
• Big A is at work and texting me and I kind of really like chatting with him;
• I need to check in on my sister who's fractured her hand and she is in a timezone that's 10 hours ahead, 
• I have to finish writing this,
• I want to read some more before I fall asleep. I'm currently reading the final installment of Hilary Mantel's Cromwell trilogy and love old Thomas more than any self-respecting socialist should.
• etc. I have a lot more B.S. excuses for my sleep procrastination.

Next week, after I come back from vacation, I'm going to make sleep hygiene a priority. But one thing at a time. As the wonderful Anne Lamott says in another context, I should take it "bird by bird."

Pic: I was so delighted I got a warbling goldfinch in this shot! MSU Horticultural Gardens with L. 

mailboxes etc.

Things have shifted into a sweet, summer mode now that Nu's school is on break too. It has been quite the year for Nu, and it has been an education for me to watch as they worked on themselves and worked things out. I'm happy and proud... and reassured by this year. It's not how I would do things, but that's the whole point isn't it? 

This evening, as we were coming back from duct taping the mailbox back to its post (someone seems to have backed into it quite violently), we were laughing over finding a piece of the car that must have done it and styling ourselves as detectives. I cannot imagine either of us responding this way a year ago. I feel such deep gratitude for our journey. 

Pic: Red Cedar rapids this morning; just me, myself, and I.

resisting the spiral

Getting caught up with mail this weekend, the card from the Humane Society (I thought it was going to be a request for donations) turned out to be a sweet and unexpected gut punch. It was a note to inform me that SV--a colleague I've met a total of two times--had made a donation in Scout's name. What a lovely and thoughtful gesture--I'm making a note of it as something I can do for other people in the future. 

My email notifications have got me feeling a bit overwhelmed. On top of all the other work things that haven't let up, a service thing (ACUE) I was invited to seems like it will require about eight hours of dedicated time weekly for the next month and a half when I'd allocated just one hour, and... ack. I really need a break.

I've managed a handful of hours on my writing project and a ton of hours on research, so there's something solid in that column. I have writing projects with EM, BR, and Big A that will need my attention too. I guess I'll have to sit down and make decisions about time and what exactly I'm hoping to get done with each thing and why. After I get through this week. After I get through this week. After I get through this week. 

One of my goals for this weekend was to read in the hammock with a popsicle. I didn't make it. 

But I did get a ton of lovely hangs with family and friends (LB, EM, LBT), Nu picked Poke for their Boss Day dinner today--so that was delicious and low/no effort, and as I realize every time I take Max outside--it's so very lovely and everything seems so soft and fragrant from our sweet summer rain this weekend. And also, in this good column, three poems I submitted to an anthology were accepted! My second anthology acceptance this year!

Pic: A still from Big A's video of Max and Huck playing together. 

underworld

the storm stills, hovers 

over the house

in a rictus of yearning

turning to rage

shaking the sky loose 

I memorize clouds

marvel how it could be 

different with you

just defying every ending

--come back

under the sky, our world

the better one

*

Pic: MSU Rose Gardens with L. We found the roses near their peak and we became like birds ourselves: flitting from bush to bush, our noses to the blooms, excitedly exclaiming over each bouquet...

so close

I dreamed these walls  myself

my body punished by my will

triumphant, exalted, indelible

returning excuses to their core

other words are still wondering

on  pages or screens--no  matter

my meaning sputters on oblique

margins, vanishing on the shore

*

Pic: Cherries are almost ripe for plucking! I plucked a few today anyway because between the birds and the squirrels, waiting until they're really ripe might mean no cherries at all. There's plenty to go around, after all. (Why are the little creatures so wasteful though? It's like they take one peck/nibble and then it's on to the next cherry.)

does grief make you mean?

I've been feeling quite irritable lately. Things that shouldn't be a big deal--like people asking me for instructions on how to do something for the fifth time (when they haven't even tried to do the thing yet), or people saying they did something by accident because they didn't know that wasn't allowed (when we had specifically talked about it), or people saying they'd do something and then just not doing it (which leaves me scrambling at the last minute)--are just irritating the eff out of me these days. 

I don't know if some B.S. detector switch has flipped in my brain or if it's business as usual and grief has nudged out extra emotions making them conspicuous to me. Either way, I'm finding it difficult to live with this version of me. I'd prefer to be the old me who could tap into compassion rather than irritation. Time to up the meditation, I think.

Pic: Sunrise with Huck and Max. They make me laugh.

now and then

I loved Nicole and NGS saying that yesterday's Wordle was a sign from Scout (in the comments). Scout was fairly illiterate in his earthly life, but I like the idea of a lettered Scout in the afterlife... he did have a terrific vocabulary of 100+ and was always very intelligent... Like we always had to take luggage out to the car when he was in the yard because he knew suitcases meant a separation.

My writer friend DL lost their family's Sophie this week, and they wrote the most moving and FUNNY eulogy. I love this last line so much: "In lieu of flowers, the family requests you go outside and give a good sniff to your friends and loved ones." Hug-laugh-sob.

Out in the world, my NYC friends are posting apocalyptic air quality pictures, and even we had hazy skies and an angry red sun long after sunrise this morning . It's only June and already wildfires are shifting into the 'uncontrollable' category.

Pic: Goslings, so fuzzy-wuzzy, along The Red Cedar while Big A protected me from the pugnacious parents.

puzzling

a prickle of certainty grows

--premonition, of nearing 

the end of a maze

                                        --the tangled day; then Wordle

                                        coyly unscrambles, hints

                                        your name back to me

                                                                                          I'm repeating: I'm ok, I'm ok,

                                                                                          I'm ok--and edit the evening

                                                                                          into ordinariness

for a while, we tricked the universe

into letting us be in the world 

at the same time

                                                          Now, call as I might, I know that 

                                                          I'll have to come to you--you 

                                                          will not return to me 

not merely a reflection

Workshop on campus today... For whatever my usual BS reason(s), I got very little sleep last night. I was pretty groggy even after a strong black tea--just not enough caffeine, I guess. The adrenaline shot I got from thinking that there was a cop car behind me as I was merrily speeding along to work woke me up nicely though. Ha.

When I stopped by my office during a break, I realized it had hosted a small miracle, as my plants were mostly ok although they hadn't been watered since Friday, May 5th... before I left for the UK...  a whole month! My geraniums were even in bloom. They got a heartfelt thank you and a good soaking today.

Oh, I had to take a break in my office because I teared up a few times because of mentions of Scout, and I could feel a good cry coming. I'm glad people get it. Even the colleague who said "I don't mean to sound callous, but it is a dog" is trying, IMO.

Pic: Radiology Gardens with L last week. The orange shadows in the water are koi--not merely a reflection of the red maple in the back...