moment of Zinn

Sometimes I peek over the edge of the abyss with my kids and feel their outrage, earnestness, and helplessness all over again. I am proud of their empathy and compassion... and also, I worry about how difficult their lives are becoming.

My annoyingly (probably) long email signature has forever quoted Zinn: “Human beings are not machines, and however powerful the pressure to conform, they sometimes are so moved by what they see as injustice that they dare to declare their independence. In that historical possibility lies hope.” 

I want to continue to hope... to act in "however small a way" in the service of what we all deserve. And if that means supporting my kids in the difficult choices and services they want to contribute to the world, then so be it.

updates on my worn down family

Nu is home from the hospital! We'll need a lot of outpatient care, which the hospital is putting into place... but Nu's home! It was a relief to do something ordinary like sit close to him and try to follow Pan's Labyrinth without subtitles--which since we've watched it 15+ times feels kind of possible.

At seems physically ok, but his car is not just towed--it's totaled. He arrived for his Boss Day dinner via bus and Uber and a bit shellshocked. We went for a long walk and I managed to make him laugh just a couple of times before I had to drop him back at his apartment.

Big A is back from a successful emergency trip to Madison, WI--his licensing for the new gig that starts in July had been held up for six months, but they were able to fix it in a couple minutes when he showed up in person at the licensing office. 

After too many nights by ourselves, the puppies and I were excited/content to have everyone back. Here's a photograph from this happy-sad, peculiar day. I can see Nu's hospital pallor and At's traumatized cast... And I can't unsee what Big A called his "big Saturn head" on one side and the rest of us orbiting it "like satellites" on the other. 

going somewhere

in the holy fanfare of summer's launch

deer have begun to eat my flowers 

ants--like anxiety--crawl up 

today a rainstorm teaches me new music  

drums up a calmer beat, hushes me

I'm sentimental, yet not expert 

can you tell me to come in, in welcome

I'll hold my eye open for you 

like the maw of a beast

Pic and notes: A family of geese "going somewhere" although I don't know where. Like this poem. Like the current scramble of instability--trying to figure out how Nu can finish the last week of school from the hospital; trying to read between the lines when At calls to say he's fine after being in a car accident but his car will be towed.

at the end of May

dismay

May seemed a forever recovery 

over bits of grass--bits of glass

mayhem

Can it really be June tomorrow?

Will the year make its amends?

maybe

Growing long like summer time

the year fills out in its maturity

mayday

hold my hands as songs get longer 

nothing but excitement--and fear

--maya

the kind lodged between my ribs 

gasping: I care, I care--do you?

____________________________

Pic: Wisteria Square #MSU

Spring farewell

footsteps scatter oracular

one foot then another

grow louder than water

I bless the bees, the blooms

the leaves like hearts

sound, reverberating 

spring is a gamble, my friend

some years fruit, beautiful

others empty and quiet

I see my own fate in these lines

of light, denial, the tunnel 

curving, coming up for air

Pic: Red Cedar River this morning.

full circle/circle of love

The newly wed baby cousin was coming to lunch/linner today. As I finished cooking one set of dishes, it made me smile because I had used the pots and pans her parents had gifted me when I got married. 

I took this picture to send to her mom, and we've been calling it the full circle/circle of love because I happened to be listening the Sunday Puzzle on the radio, and it's kind of like this challenge?

An otherwise quiet day--apart from that one elaborate meal--I didn't get much done. (And that's ok!)

all empty and all full

The city has emptied out--what with the end of the MSU semester, graduating students, and the long Memorial Day weekend ahead of us. 

I was on my own for dinner tonight, so after I fed Scout and Huck, I had a whole column of pistachio baklava and about half of a small watermelon. 

I regret nothing.

Pic: The largest solar carport in North America had just three parked cars on this morning's walk with L. 

even greener

I play the laptop's keyboard like a piano 

and also a drum, beating without pain

for the sunlight spreading thin as butter

for the dream in which no one can die  

[fragment]

Pic: Baker Woods with L

after this ending another ending

after this ending another ending
we only want so little
we're given even less 

after this ending another ending

plans flaking hope

escape again

after this ending find another story

another beginning 

--start again

after this beginning another beginning

another erasure

a do over 

after that ending yet another ending

dawns hide in the night

in the gallop of sleep 

noted

My calendar said I had RSVPed 'yes' to the annual Child Advocacy luncheon, so I went. 

I did not know that I would be getting an award. (I guess that's why my director had insisted I be there?)

I did not know that I would be the only person there who was masked. (Maybe because people were expecting to unmask before eating anyway?)

Everything still feels a little unreal.

a start

After last night and then today's tally of 19 kids killed in their elementary school in Texas just a week after the Buffalo shootings, I look back at a moment from an ordinary part of the day and it looks absurd and impossible. 

Can puppies really be that fuzzy? Do we really get to take a walk like the world isn't ending?