picking myself up

This morning, I was supposed to go across the street to L's to participate in a local TV interview about the Peace Pole quest she puts on every September. But I woke up feeling poorly, feeling sad Big A wasn't around to care for me.

In the hour before I snapped this picture, I was crying into my bathwater because I felt so feeble. My throat had started to feel tight and painful last night. I'd thought it was just me getting used to using my "lecture voice" again. But Big A had wondered while we were saying goodnight on the phone if I "had the back-to-school 'rona." 

I tested negative for Covid, but I felt awful anyway. But after a good cry, I felt okay enough to get dressed and show up for L. The rest of the day was blankets and books and bed. And buttered toast and scalding hot lemon water. I will survive.

Pic: The reporter setting up cameras. It was a crew of... one

redefining work

I was going to say I didn't do a lick of work today... but that wouldn't be true. 

I just did work that was different from what I'd been doing all week. 

I took care of my zillion indoor plants, cleaned the house, baked some pretty focaccia with herbs and veggies harvested from the garden, cleared the storm debris from the driveway, planned BL's baby shower with them (end of September), celebrated AS's birthday in style, and tended to my three babies--Maxie, Huckie, and Nunie. (Have I mentioned that Nu sometimes calls Max "Maxi Pad?" Rude.) 

And although my grandmother has been gone for many years, I always remember that today used to be her birthday...

Pic: The Red Cedar from the eastward bridge.

birthdays, bookstores...

I got to bed before midnight most days this week--progress! 

I did stay up well past midnight by accident last night, but it was just as well because I got to wish my dad in India a Happy Birthday bright and early. (It's also Chairman Fred Hampton's birthday and Mary Shelley's birthday, so he's in a very special club.) He didn't put his hearing aids in, so we didn't talk for very long though.

At the end of the first week of classes, things are going well (I think). I already know everyone's names--that's kinda my superpower so far. And the older I get, the more adorable I find my students... it was so cute when one of them made up a song to remember how to spell my name. 

It's also EM's birthday and the birthday of the independent bookstore in town so I stopped to pick up some book gifts and was gifted in turn with a lovely heart-to-heart with D.D. who still ministers to my soul although she no longer works as a pastor. 

Pic: My sister (with whom my parents live) sent me this pic of dad at breakfast and it made me miss my dad extra: our old hours-long conversations, his smiley face the way it was.

And he's off...

Big A set off for the five-day Dick Allen Lansing to MacKinaw Bicycle Tour (the DALMAC) this morning. A few friends were surprised/concerned because he was in the hospital with long Covid just last month. 

If I'm being honest, I am too. But A can make decisions for himself and it's all fairly local, so I can always go pick him up if he decides to bail. He really does look forward to this tour every year, and I hope he has a lovely time!

Pic: Big A figures out how to ride a bike... KIDDING! Big A sets off for the DALMAC.

yeses and umms

Yes!: The huge thunderstorm that arrived in the morning on my way to work even as the people on the radio called a heat advisory to warn that the day would feel like 105 degrees. My outside plants and new trees needed the rain so badly and it saved me having to do one more thing on an already busy day. Umm: Nu got thoroughly soaked on the way to the school bus and had to go home to change and then be dropped off at school. (By Big A after he got home from his overnight shift)

Yes!: Hearing At on NPR's Morning Edition! The NLRB has determined that Chipotle's decision to withhold raises to its unionized workers is illegal. As one of the labor organizers, At got to say a few words on how despite everything, the workers remain very pro-union. Umm: Not sure if the decision has any bearing on contract negotiations (ongoing for two years now) and if there will be backpay (which would be awesome!). 

Yes! A colleague encouraged me to go home early after looking at the weather forecast, and I made it home ok in the huge thunderstorm that accompanied me on my way home despite downed trees everywhere and 60-mile gusts of wind. Umm: A second thunderstorm on the same day? There were massive traffic backups due to flooding and traffic lights being out so my plans with the girlfriends got canceled and I had to eat leftovers with Big A and Nu like a pleb. 

Pic: A mullein thicket out front earlier this week. An umm but also a yes? They came up as weeds, but I hear they have health benefits. 

celebrations (and an observance)

National and international doggie day today!! Every day is a day to celebrate our doggie family and friends. But here's extra love for Max, Huckie, Scoutie, Izzy, Chester, Popo, Henry, Zoe, JoJo and also to the doggies we know in Internet land--Rex, Hannah, Zydrunas, Mochi, and Mr. Darcy--today.

It's Janmashtami!! The birthday of Krishna, the little blue boy, as my kids like to call him. Nu has always been a fan just because he's so pretty and always getting into trouble, and I think he's recently been reclaimed by second-gen Hindu kids as an LGBTQ icon. We had a small Indian feast and pooja to celebrate this evening. Back home, my favorite tradition was how people would borrow toddlers and dip their feet in wet rice flour so when they ran around your house, the floors would be decorated with "Baby Krishna's footprints." For a country with the highest growing population, Indians really delight in kids.

It's here! The first week of classes! And I'm so ready... I'll be in three classrooms tomorrow, and... my Canvas sites are live, my syllabi are uploaded, classes have been welcomed via email, diagnostics are loaded, and class plans are posted. I'm excited and keyed up! I hope I get to sleep early...

And finally, it is the six-month anniversary of Aaron Bushnell's brave, brave sacrifice. There's not a day I don't think of that young man and the sweetness of his dear face in the photos. I've never watched the video, but I probably know every word of his note by heart. Despite the horrific manner of his death, I always think of what he did as something intrinsically life-affirming. 

Pic: Max and Huck say hello to my mom on the phone!

good gardener; bad farmer

We've actually had luck with the veggie plots this year. 

Back in May, when we started, we laid plastic mesh down in the beds to discourage underground animals and lighter netting above ground as protection from birds and squirrels. This double-layered protection seems to have worked.

But while I'm good at keeping things alive, I suck at harvesting. The tomatoes beckon with their bright colors, and I grab them when I'm out with Max and Huck. But the peppers, kale, cucumbers, herbs, and zucchini need to be gathered too.

Pic: Today's tomatoes... and those to come.

Six on Saturday

1) Yesterday on our local NPR station's "Michigan Minute" they talked about The Who's drummer Keith Moon celebrating his 21st birthday in Flint, MI with a wild cake party, driving his car into the pool at the Holiday Inn, and getting arrested. Later yesterday, I read about the same incident in the novel I was reading (Chevy in the Hole! Recommended!). On the anniversary of when it first happened on August 23, 1967!

2) Nu came home from school with homework and... a terrible facial rash. There were lots of photos on family chat and we ended up going to Urgent Care who deemed it contact dermatitis, which is a nothingburger of a diagnosis. It could be due to sunscreen, new detergent, or something in the air. Nu got a steroid shot and a prednisone taper to help. 

3) Today, I was blissfully soaking in the hot tub when I got chills all over--one floor up, on the other side of the window glass, I could see a very delicate shape slithering around, flickering out its tongue and waving its tail. A snake. Nu laughed at me when I told my "scary story." "So a snake lives outside where it's supposed to live" was their reasonable summary of the situation. I had to laugh too. The family has now dubbed the snake Mx. Slithers. 

4) I'm totally wowed by the 90-second video StephLove's son Noah worked on for the DNC--it was the walk-on video for Kamala Harris! He also worked on this piece about abortion. 

5) Also, hello--Kamala's HQ is all about the "Brat" rebranding, but I've been my own version of "Brat" since 2006!  My "Brat" comes from a nickname my schoolmates gave me based on my other first name and the "Poco" part is both the usual abbreviation of "Po(st)co(lonial)" and "un Poco."

6) Pic: My blurry picture of our black-eyed Susans--I was afraid Mx. Slithers would jump out at me, I guess.

(Last) First day!

And Nu is off to school as a senior. 

I was permitted maybe 20 seconds to take a picture this morning--but only because I begged (please Nu, it's the last first day of school!)! So I don't have any pics in which Max and Huck aren't blurry. But look at our Nu! All tall and shiny and ready!

After I posted on FB, I watched the memories roll in: the friend who threw my bridal shower and was Nu's first visitor, Nu's daycare provider, my aunts, grade school friends, old neighbors... the sweet, earnest suggestions from the young friends who used to be my students...

People are such a blessing in my life. 

Nu had a good first day: they attended the half-day of school, went out to lunch with friends, came home to veggie upma, and opened their back-to-school presents. (At and I found some tees we thought they'd like when we went thrifting last week, so with some new notebooks, a calendar, a copy of Ross Gay's Book of Delights, a handful of study snacks, and their six-month supply of contacts that just came in, there was plenty for them to unbox.)

Pic: Screengrab from my FB post about Nu's first day as an H.S. senior. That's a lot of "likes" and comments, but please note at least four of those comments are just from my mom! lol

six on Sunday

1. The girlfriends and I were supposed to see It Ends With Us this weekend. I'd even persevered through the book with its weird use of language.  (Although I've since learned that the author didn't get to go to college and has written several novels anyway--so you go, Colleen Hoover!) But all the mean girl drama around the movie's release soured it for me. So I bailed and then everyone else bailed as well. NGL, I really wasn't looking forward to seeing DV enacted on the big screen.

2. Wouldn't you know it, as women began to call for justice, instead of demanding justice alongside them, Indian men got all defensive and started to protest that it was "not all men." The awesome comeback has been "perhaps not all men, but it is ALWAYS men." Word.

3. We got a new mattress and when we were cutting it out of its plastic packaging this morning, I accidentally nicked it with the box cutter. I apologized so much... and Big A was so... magnanimous telling me not to worry about it. Later as we set it up, I realized his side had three or four nicks. Dude!? Why didn't you say something? 

4. There was a Not Another Bomb gathering this afternoon downtown calling for an arms embargo. I think there would have been more people there if not for the rain. There is an online petition circulating as well.

5. I thought I'd use the summer to fix my broken sleep habits, but I've been going to bed later and later and usually at 4 am. It'll be a relief to revert to going to bed at 2 am now that I'm back to work tomorrow. And as LV just texted to say, "Nerdy admission of the day: I’m kinda excited to see everyone tomorrow." Same!!

6. Pic: LB wanted to try my Evening in India menu, so I scooped a couple of tablespoons of each dish into the tiny jars I bought long ago for food prep but never got around to using. And then all 12 jars nestled perfectly in the crate my tomatoes came home in. I just feel so happy about how this turned out.

Love is patient, love is kind/Y'all gon' make me lose my fuckin' mind

Today was for a mini-hang with Nu. There was tiramisu and samosas... And I found the perfect white tee for them to tie-dye to wear to senior sunrise... 

But our big thing was finding the circuit court so we could file the papers for their name change. I'd meticulously filled out the forms as a present for their 16th birthday, but we'd never gotten around to actually filing it at the court. The clerk and Nu were very impressed that I'd done all the paperwork without a lawyer. Impressing my 16-year-old isn't easy, and I'll take this win. Fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly. My darling deserves some softness in their life.

My sister, who is childfree, noted that parenting seems fraught with worry. If you're not worrying about nursing or toddler milestones, you're worrying about school, health, education, employment, relationships, or some combination of the above or something else entirely, no? Or is it just me? Like, I loved, loved, loved my day with At yesterday, but there was an underlying sadness about how hard their life is. Although, if I think about it, I guess I too was poor at 25 when I was in grad school? Anyway...

Pic: I rounded off the day at EM's birthday party. All she wanted in lieu of presents were donations to the Refugee Development Center, so I added a printout of the poem I'd written for her. She doesn't swear that much, so I took it as a compliment when she texted late at night to say "I almost cried when I read the poem. I love it so fucking much."

"cruel optimism"

My problem with the meds reminded me of Lauren Berlant's cruel optimism--in that, the thing that I was doing to make myself feel better was actually making me feel worse.

I gave myself the day off from editing to hang out with At. We're down to one car (because of our fender bender a couple of weeks ago) and Big A needed it to go give a talk in Ann Arbor, so I took a Lyft to At's place, and then At and I rode the bus everywhere. 

I got my pre-semester haircut, and then we went thrifting and hung out drinking tea and talking about what we'd read. I've put Andrea Long Chu's Females on my to-read list. I think it's a book meant to be disagreed with (meant to be disagreeable?) but it's very short. I had to chuckle at At's current playlist, which had the theme from The Battle of Algiers in honor of Imane Kheleif's Olympic victory and lawsuit. As Imani Gandy said, I hope she gets that "wizard money."

Big A picked me up from At's and we got home just as Nu got home from "kickstart" where they'd gotten their picture ID and senior year schedule. Max and Huckie were relieved to see everyone again and it reminded me that those poor babies have NO IDEA that school starts up next week...

Pic: At and me at the bus stop! We got there way too early for the bus because I was anxious we'd miss it. (Can I say... I'm glad At is so skilled at navigating Lansing's public transit system and that Lansing has such good public transit for such a small city, but also that it makes me sad to think of At waiting for the bus especially when the weather is bad. We've offered to buy another car after they totaled the car we gave them (as has my mom), but At's refused, and it's probably safer all around. But still...)

Ah, freak out!*

You know how I began to panic when August came around? I was on to something. It hasn't been the best. And friends have been having bad luck too. J's puppy needed a leg amputated and it got really expensive; I finally convinced her to start a GoFundMe. L told me she got laid off unexpectedly; I don't even think we've processed it yet. 

At my work, things are definitely in a state of agitation--perhaps more than in previous years? Some of it is the weird FAFSA rollout this year which has enrollments down at the college, which has everyone and everything down. As a result, my email is a deluge, which is good since there are all sorts of fires to put out every day.

Also, I have a new medication that makes me sad and leaves me nauseated as an extra perk. 

In the meantime, Nu's senior year "kickstart" is tomorrow (they plan to attend with friends). I guess we're really doing this! Senior Year. 

_________

Pic: I don't know what the purple flowers by the water are (weeds, probably?) but they're spunky and pretty. From my walk yesterday. 

*Song: This one, obviously.

you probably *should* read this

Bestie KB wrote a novel and it arrived in the mail today. 

Nu had a sleepover last night, went to the Mint Festival in the afternoon, and then watched a movie at someone else's place in the evening--was basically gone all day--so I curled up with Huck and Max and read KB's book from cover to cover... it is so, so good. I know all our friends are reading it with bated breath to see if we show up... luckily, we don't (with one satirical exception, IMO).

Pic. I took this photo when my copies arrived. I posed KB's work with that other Minneapolis treasure... and I think there's a reference to "Raspberry Beret" on page 229 just for me.

midwest represent

We had a visit from Engie today. Huck and Max *loved* her; Nu and Big A automatically looped her into the ribbing and silly jokes around the dinner table. Engie has the prettiest toes and sparkling quips and tried hard to get us to follow "dog" rules. I loved hanging out with her solo later and we took a long after-dinner walk to Beal Gardens before saying goodbye.

It felt like meeting a dear long-lost friend... it was meeting a dear long-lost friend although we'd never hung out in person before. I love all the ways we can connect in the world.

(Also, this is Engie's 20th year of blogging. I helped celebrate by writing a guest post on poetry a few months ago and forgot to log it here.)

Pic: Engie and me--our hand signs are supposed to rep the midwest (MW). Pic by Nu.

"I could have danced all night"

What...  What is this feeling? I can be counted on to find moments of joy, hope, gratitude--but a whole day of feeling like I'm floating on air? Of feeling smiley, dance-y, and happy? Not even being thoroughly drenched repeatedly while running errands could dampen my mood in the slightest.

I was so hoping for Tim Walz to be picked as Harris's veep, and could barely believe it when Big A texted to tell me. 

I've been a fan of Walz since last year when he signed universal free breakfast and lunch for all public school students into law in Minnesota (and to think I was paying attention to MN, only because bestie KB moved there, lol). This 48-second video was making the rounds, and I watched it like 15 times right away and sent it to multiple family and friend chats, because it's just so wholesome and joyous. The occasion itself is joyous of course--but I was also taken by how Walz, despite the photo-op nature of the moment, offers only respectful fist-bumps to the kids around him, until one kid offers him a hug... which he accepts... and then he is absolutely deluged by the other kids hugging him. Compare the tenor of this, for instance, with the meanness and despair in the picture of Sarah Huckabee Sanders repealing child labor protection laws in Arkansas. 

The Walz pick gives me so much hope that our politicians can be receptive and responsive to progressive demands. That we can have leaders who can just be normal about women, kids, LGBTQ kids, indigenous peoples, public schools... and understand their job is to serve people, to fix problems like poverty, prisons, homelessness...

Also: I won 20$$$ from the family betting pool for my pick. 

Pic: A quote from the Insta-poet Nikita Gill, which really helped me this week. It reads: Everything is on fire,/but everyone I love is doing beautiful things/and trying to make life worth living,/and I know I don’t have to believe in everything,/but I believe in that. 

Go, Fourth!

It's the fourth of the month and my Boss Day!

I think I've finally handled the zombie deadline thing, so that was my Boss Day present to myself. Big A got his waders on and climbed into the pond to do some final edging and rearranging with the rocks we'd dug up per my guidance--so that was Big A's Boss Day present to me. 

(I would have liked a long walk to round off the day, but we ran out of time, so the erg machine it was. But I still made time to soak and read for a bit.)

Then we ordered sushi and everyone was happy. 

Pic: Huck and Max (and Nu in the background) hanging out. Huck and Max are waiting to catch banana bites. They're off to the groomer this week, so this is a fuzzy pic before they go all sleek.

eat, watch, eat what you watch

We've had a ton of people to feed in the last two days including our own At whose Boss Day it was yesterday. There was a big and beautiful summer ratatouille (I hope it was made by a rat, EM said!). But Boss Day for At is more about the entertainment than the food though. So, At sat us down for a family viewing of Caché (excellent) and then we went to see Trap at the movies (fun). 

But back to the food. I'd offered to make Poori because a pregnant friend was craving them... although I'd never made them before. I read a ton of recipes and watched some YouTube videos, but somehow, when it was time to fry them up... Big A and AS seem to have taken over (Pic).

what is time

"There is never time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment; the time is always now."

100 years of James Baldwin. How everything he said still glimmers in my soul

300 days of the killing in Gaza. The grief and guilt of 186,000 people dead (and the many more missing, disabled, orphaned...)

A deadline that keeps coming back like a zombie

A lifetime of intentions in an unreasonable world

A lifeline of everything happy wrapped in possible sadness and vice versa

In the meantime, love shows up and we carry on
_______________
Pic: It was Nu's turn to bring the after-dinner fruit to the table and when they placed the wedges of watermelon with its Palestinian colors next to the "Against the MSU War Machine" zine we picked up at the protest, the juxtaposition was just begging to be photographed.

soundtrack of loss

I want to watch the Baz Lurhmann Romeo and Juliet with Nu and have been playing that brilliant (not sure how much nostalgia has to do with my appraisal) soundtrack album hoping it will pique Nu's interest.  

What I did not expect was to hear these (SILLY) lines I've heard a zillion (slight exaggeration) times before in "Lovefool" (the "love me, love me, say that you love me" song) differently: "Lately I have desperately pondered/spent my nights awake and I wonder/what I could have done in another way/to make you stay." And immediately think of Scout. Wow, death is so final, there's nothing to do but rage and cry. 

People in the family have been teasing me (gently) because of other random songs on the radio that have made me feel they were about Scout. I guess technically many of these are about lovers, but ultimately, they're about any beloved. Here's a partial list: *Stina Nordenstam "Little Star" *K.C. and the Sunshine Band "Please Don't Go" *Phoebe Bridgers "Funeral" *Paramore "The Only Exception" *Diana Krall "Feels Like Home" *Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time" *One Republic "Come Home" *Coldplay "The Scientist" *Jessie Ware "Meet Me in the Middle" *Cyndi Lauper "Time After Time" *Janet Jackson "Together Again" *Mariah Carey "One Sweet Day" *Arianna Grande "One Last Time"  *Selena Gomez "Back to You" *Foo Fighters "Walking After You" *Matchbox 20 "If You're Gone" *Arctic Monkeys "Do I Wanna Know" 

I also listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra and Aditya Hrudayam on repeat in the early days of loss and cannot hear them now without feeling bereavement. I guess I'm good at taking any song and making it about me. Ha.

______________________

Pic: Max and Huck DO NOT WANT Big A to leave for work.