Happy 15th birthday, Nu 💗

We celebrated Nu's 15th today--donuts at school, Sansu sushi takeout, a pistachio-raspberry cake made by Big A, brownies made by LB, phone calls from grandparents, and enough presents and gift cards to keep Nu in emo swag for a while. 

What a difficult year it has been for this kid in so many ways... I hope this next year is better. 

(I remember picking the date and showing up at the NYU hospital to be induced. I remember it like it was yesterday, but somehow it has been 15 years.)

(And also--speaking of parenting--the love and pain in this voicemail from President Biden to his son is everywhere today... and it breaks me every time.)

fall meditation

trees stand as they did in my childhood
home: tall... bending for me

our stance an interchange

I named them as I did the sky before me

worshipping them as constancy

and also transformation 

now I look to sky and trees in imagining

knowing them from memory

loving them as prophecy

my patience both placental and personal 

a foundation sturdy with roots

from another century

_________________________________________

Pic: While coming back from watching Ponniyin Selvan with AS. 

blessed ordinary

every now and then something I've seen

thousands of times surprises me--

like blue skies, clouds

then it's as if I dreamed this stuff up

I'm so electrified I hardly know 

where to begin

now that it's all here in front of me 

unbelievable, extraordinary,

eternal like salvation

suspended like a noisy happiness

I'm tripping as if I can give--

of myself to the miracle

_____________

Pic: Skyscape as EM drove us home. I'm back and delighted to be alone for another day in a blissfully clean and quiet home.

people all over the world

Our roundtable went well. It's part of a larger project, so it was great to know that other teachers were interested in having this conversation as well. 

EM and I treated ourselves to a poke bowls for dinner and then headed off to our rooms for quiet time. I'm loving my grown up quiet time.

But suddenly I started thinking about how my fam is currently spread out across three states (me in Indiana, At in Michigan, Big A with Nu, Scout, and Huck in his apartment in Wisconsin) and sleep fled. 

And then I started thinking about my parents on the other side of the world in Bangalore, my sister on her vacation in Goa, my mom and her sisters heading off to Pondycherry for the pooja soon, and so on and so on... I stayed up for a a long time. I'm hilarious.

Pic: Big A's pic of the pups in bed in Milwaukee.

a bit of the rainbow

 Made a couple of soups early this morning for a baby cousin recovering from meningitis. I had to drive two hours to Toledo to drop them off, so Big A came along to keep me company... I'm almost all talked out at the moment.

It's my 'Boss Day,' and I got... Subway. What can I say? I love those sandwiches! 

And somehow, it seems we're almost midway through this semester.

Pic: Not quite a whole rainbow, but a bit of one... I'll take it. 

happiness in ten minutes or less

I was just about to drop At back to his place in Lansing after dinner when Big A showed up from Milwaukee. 

It had been so long since all of us have been together... So after hugs and hellos, I grouped these five around my reading chair so I could take a picture.

(Huck loves being picked up, Scout hates it.)

We got ten minutes together, and I have a picture that makes me happy every time I look at it. 

until next time

SD and I met 25 years ago when we were both in in Jerusalem for a few months. We've never lived in the same city since, and there's twenty years between us, but we've been there for all of each other's big events. We like to joke that we've seen each other through two marriages and a thousand weekly crises.  

Every place I've moved, the refrigerator magnets she gifted me get put up first. Every party I throw, her math for hors d'oeuvres (1.5 x #of guests) gets used. Whenever we're single, we spend the big holidays together. 

SD is a dynamo so we fit in a lot into our four days together this week. A lot for me that is. There was a vineyard and a fall festival SD wanted to go to that we didn't make. But we did get in long morning walks, lots of parks, multiple golus, fancy dinners, a Powwow, lots of heart-to-hearts, lots of games, and lots of hugs. I got to edit her online profile and vet her suitors and she defrosted my refrigerator and taught me to use a coffee maker. She made me promise I'd go to the conference next week. 

I miss her already.

Pic: Healing Gardens @ MSU.

hard first step

Titled "Out of Reach," this installation really spoke to me. 

It's part of this year's campus-centric Art Prize and the student creators indicate that it's a representation of accessibility issues in our world. 

How many things are impossible because that first step is so insurmountable...

And then looks like procrastination, intractability, or delinquency...

It's a good reminder that I am an elder in this world and can reach out when people don't show up. (Just in case it's because they can't show up.)

Also it seemed so faraway when we postponed the visit in August, but now SD is here! SD is here! SD is here!

diminishing

Every morning as I wake

swimming with dreams

wrestling with the dark

our world is ready to stack

before me, crisp towers

of lists and leftovers 

from the night behind me

and so I enter the strange 

thing that is the day 

like an all-you-can-eat buffet 

the return of my appetite 

some bright miracle

Pic: MSU's spirit rock in honor of the Iranian women's protests. The highschoolers walking out over Virginia governor Youngkin's anti-trans policies, a lunch-time walk-and-talk with AK, my capstone students brilliantly knitting news with readings... I am grateful for decency and beauty showing up in this world.

(peek)

I'm not ready for what people call "peak colors" and "peak fall" yet, but this tiny peek is okay by me. I've kinda missed the outdoors.

I haven't been on any long treks recently. L, who's the person with whom I've hiked the most in the last three years, was quite sick with Covid and I couldn't bear to be on any of our usual paths without her.

However, Big A (my second-best in this regard) was here on another 36-hour visit today, so we went for 'a full Sparty' at a very brisk pace and solved all our summer problems (theoretically at least)!

Pic: The Red Cedar with hints of yellow and red in the bordering foliage. 

"what-ifs" and wistfulness

From the beautiful pictures on my FB feed, it would seem that it was homecoming weekend AND ALSO national daughters' day. I thoroughly marveled and appreciated at all the kids I used to know looking radiant and lovely and quite grownup. But I was also plagued with some "what-ifs" and wistfulness. 

I'm going to take this moment to acknowledge my feelings...then I'm going to let them go as gently as a pebble into water... and let the ripples rise and close up in calm.

Quiet

Scout and Huck are worried for me... because I play this harp so badly. 🤣😂 They would prefer me to be quiet.

It was otherwise a quiet and fulfilling Sunday: UU meditation, a hang with JL at the Lebanese coffee shop, a chat with my sis and mom, a WhatsApp celebration with the cousins, weekend chores, a soak, groceries, dinner with all four kids, teaching prep, Navaratri invitations and menu-planning, a heart-warming chat with At while I dropped him back at his place, more teaching prep, and so to bed.
 

yesterday's sunshine

yesterday's sunshine listens to me

guessing at laughter or at grief

yes, the kids are playing again

but no, they've not forgotten

yesterday's sunshine reminds me

I should live wildly--as if I can

erase distance, ease today's rain

warns me beacon-like: enjoy

"I saw the sign(s)"

A midday stroll with JG today and this was her front yard when I drove up--a veritable forest of election lawn signs! It includes at least two of our colleagues from work too. As always a lovely chat and I left feeling loved and full of ideas.

Back home lots of hangout time with Big A whose "Boss Day" it is and whom we'll have to  return to the train station and thence to Milwaukee Saturday morning. 

All these trips to the train station really remind me of residency days when Big A worked at Bellevue and I'd put two kids in the car to pick him up at the Summit train station. Seven-year-old At used to call those trips "midnight adventures." 

Now here we are again 16 years later, thanks to the magic of there somehow being 25 Emergency Medicine residencies in MI and only 2 in WI. We've come up with a plan (wish?) to renegotiate his contract for the next academic year... And although all of it is a long ways off, it's a hopeful sign on the horizon. 
 

drop

The temperature dropped suddenly (and punctually for the autumn equinox) today. So here's me in blankets and puppies, by the heater in the study, trying to get teaching prep for tomorrow done before I get to PICK BIG A UP FROM THE TRAIN STATION!!

I don't know if it's silly to pine for one's partner at this stage in my life, but it also feels basic--you know? One should get to end every day with the person you picked for life.

*three thoughts *on the third day *of the work week

*Lots going on in the world outside and students were on fire today, discussing--the Hijab protests in Iran, the Venezuelans trafficked to Martha's Vineyard, the floods in Pakistan and Puerto Rico... 

*I felt buoyed today by an internet friend becoming a more IRL friend, work friends finding non work ways to connect, and my sister's glee that her birthday is "just four months away."

*When I need to laugh, I come back to this picture of "Kangaroo Huck" with her feet rudely positioned on Scout's butt, her "dress" askew, looking at me for pets. 

look up

I had to run an errand on the far side of town and found myself getting dejected by it as I always do... the houses seem to be falling down a bit more than normal, the cars seem rustier and noisier...

And I say this as someone who lives in a house whose roof has leaked for at least three years and has not been fixed although roof-work started [... and stopped] at the beginning of summer and as someone who drove a car with a busted-up headlight for nearly six months this year after my 'deer incident' as there were no replacement parts available.

But I know it's not really the same thing. My dejection is because how that is yet another nudge about how we live in a world of inequity, recognizing how huge this is, and coming to terms that it's not something I can ever begin to fix by myself. 

And then on my way home I came to this crossroads (It reads: ML King Jr. Blvd and Malcolm X St). That made me smile so big because sometimes I talk myself through social situations by asking myself if I want to do it "like Martin or like Malcolm?"

Dr. King's uncle was a local Lansing pastor and Minister Malcolm, of course, grew up in Lansing. A gray-ish day and an unexceptional photograph, but a good reminder of a moment that lifted me up.

start over

Borrowing this picture from TJA who used it as a reminder that we can all start over. 

Things can change...

I know I can grow.

how do you know

how do you know

the sudden bunny in the trees
a streak of white tail a trail

ringing in the heart 

how do you know

the storm hovering overhead

brooding here, eager to grab

cobwebs and hope

how do you know

the scream waiting in readiness 

to jump out of the darkness

that is my throat 

I don't know 

I wait to reckon with these knots 

with silent prayers to calm

the angry seas inside 

Pic: Nu and At taking off for a walk-and-talk post dinner. Things did not go as I'd hoped. 

time begins to hurt when

the leaf's green and the river's green 

hesitate on unripeness 

but I am sun-warmed and life-bound 

and have to try it

for you are taller than I can remember

stronger than you know

yet here I am trying to keep the monster

hidden... and quiet

O hush little baby, let's flee this moment 

in its blossoming bruises

for my mind is still trapped underwater

and cannot anchor it 

 Pic: Red Cedar, earlier this week. (I needed a reminder of calm after some particularly horrible hours this morning. I'm thankful for Big A being there and community help.)