look up

I had to run an errand on the far side of town and found myself getting dejected by it as I always do... the houses seem to be falling down a bit more than normal, the cars seem rustier and noisier...

And I say this as someone who lives in a house whose roof has leaked for at least three years and has not been fixed although roof-work started [... and stopped] at the beginning of summer and as someone who drove a car with a busted-up headlight for nearly six months this year after my 'deer incident' as there were no replacement parts available.

But I know it's not really the same thing. My dejection is because how that is yet another nudge about how we live in a world of inequity, recognizing how huge this is, and coming to terms that it's not something I can ever begin to fix by myself. 

And then on my way home I came to this crossroads (It reads: ML King Jr. Blvd and Malcolm X St). That made me smile so big because sometimes I talk myself through social situations by asking myself if I want to do it "like Martin or like Malcolm?"

Dr. King's uncle was a local Lansing pastor and Minister Malcolm, of course, grew up in Lansing. A gray-ish day and an unexceptional photograph, but a good reminder of a moment that lifted me up.

how do you know

how do you know

the sudden bunny in the trees
a streak of white tail a trail

ringing in the heart 

how do you know

the storm hovering overhead

brooding here, eager to grab

cobwebs and hope

how do you know

the scream waiting in readiness 

to jump out of the darkness

that is my throat 

I don't know 

I wait to reckon with these knots 

with silent prayers to calm

the angry seas inside 

Pic: Nu and At taking off for a walk-and-talk post dinner. Things did not go as I'd hoped. 

time begins to hurt when

the leaf's green and the river's green 

hesitate on unripeness 

but I am sun-warmed and life-bound 

and have to try it

for you are taller than I can remember

stronger than you know

yet here I am trying to keep the monster

hidden... and quiet

O hush little baby, let's flee this moment 

in its blossoming bruises

for my mind is still trapped underwater

and cannot anchor it 

 Pic: Red Cedar, earlier this week. (I needed a reminder of calm after some particularly horrible hours this morning. I'm thankful for Big A being there and community help.)

five Friday yays

Got a shoutout from the wonderful Melissa at Stirrup Queens... that always makes my week!

Finished up work for the week--even got in a couple of things ahead of deadline (to make up for the things past due). 

Nu and I got home around the same time. We're watching Riverdale together per Nu's request. It's so over the top, we keep laughing--so I guess that's the good part. 

A quick dinner prep and then off to the train station. Nu DJ-ed through the train delay and then finally we got Big A home. We'll have him for about 36 hours.

Pic: Big A and Huck who are bestest pals reunited. 

what was I thinking?

I wanted to (re)read some Mary Stewart, who's been a comfort read since my teens, and picked Wildfire at Midnight, which was my first Mary Stewart and a book I'd originally picked somewhat serendipitously from the untouched hardback section in the Holy Angels Convent library. I was so taken by it, I retold it frame-by-frame to my sister and cousins at our sleepover later that week.

Anyway... So I had very good reasons to pick Wildfire... And yes, the language and descriptions were just as flawless and the murder mystery just as intriguing. But of course the historical moment is a key player too--the conquest of Everest by Tenzing and Hillary and... the coronation of QEII.

I guess subliminal colonialism is a thing.

Pic: Reading my Mary Stewart compendium with Scout and Huck.

exhale

The moon was still up in the sky when Scout, Huck, and I took Nu to the school bus before I went to work and back in the sky when I got home. Three classes, three meetings, and all of them very necessary. It helped that Big A helped in the morning before he left to take the ferry back to WI and At came over in the afternoon to hang out with Nu (and took Nu to some labor meetings 💗) while I was at work. 

I brought back some Angel Tears and Devil Tears from Pizza 1 One for the kids. A long time ago, L asked what they were and I described them; she then summarized that it sounded like they had taken the one healthy thing about pizza (the tomato sauce) and left all the other stuff. She's right. These "tears" always get a rockstar welcome from the kids though--yesterday was no exception.

There was a comment on yesterday's post, which was very true in that there were only two people in my photo. I struggle with this a lot. When we moved to this house we were eight human and non human persons and three generations--my parents, Big A and me, and the two human and two canine kids. It does feel kind of empty with just Nu, part-time Big A, and me as the humans living in this house now. I'm trying to come to terms and make peace and all that jazz because I know that this is the way of things. But it's not easy. And I haven't been successful. (Nicole--I must really put Philpott's Bomb Shelter on my list RIGHT NOW.)

inhale

Checked and cleared off my calendar early today and then I was able to hike with Big A, give Scout and Huck a groom, and make s'mores with Baby A. 

A midweek respite seemed necessary today. Especially since I'll be on campus from 8 am to 8 pm tomorrow (and that's not counting the commute).

It's like the deep breath before a deep dive...

Pic: Pre-s'mores. The bad haircuts I gave the puppies are sadly obvious. (The vet no longer offers grooming, and I didn't want to take them to some chain place because there are so many horrible stories.)

coming in

my eyes are insistent

yearn to find amends

rivers wake unaware

these roads catch fire

for ever there is light 

I unfasten the heavy

I catch myself happy

a song between sighs

what is day, if not this

Pic: Sunrise over the Maple River. I get to work so early these days!

one more time

A long time ago, At told me he read this thing on reddit about how we sometimes don't know when it's the last time you're doing something. The example they gave was picking up your kid--there's no fancy celebration for that... one day you do and then somehow you never do it again. 

I do know that I was picking up At when he was seven (I only stopped when I got very pregnant with Nu), but I don't even remember when I stopped with Nu.   

So today, I decided that I wanted to pick up my kids one more time. They were game: 

overheard, over here

today I bring nothing but words

they're probably in the wrong order

but let's wander in adventure soon

although I'm too obstinate for miracles

as we walk together, try not to notice 

I brought my books though they fall apart 

if you believe in madness and darkness

be ready to see the stars twinkling through

when the city pulls back

quiet days have their own story
happy or not, peace or loss

a small warm animal 

being

both presence and invisibility 

to bark--now what--free yet

there should you want

a snuggle

Pic: Red Cedar River

Happy Labor Day

At sent us this pic of his Labor Day picnic (it was on Twitter too, so I decided it was ok to share).

Love to see young joy and solidarity. 

 

my joy

The day was bookended by their grandmothers' worried and in tears about them on the phone (Grandma S starting with texts in the morning, Ammama on a video call at night) so it felt especially nice to hang back and watch these two goof off as usual around the dinner table. 

I (have to) believe every little thing's gonna be alright.

repair and respair

Orientation today at MacCurdy. Yes, it's a Saturday, but when you have the kind of wonderfully idealistic, engaged activists MacCurdy attracts, it doesn't seem like work at all. 

We covered a lot: residence rules, a calendar of events for the upcoming year, possible collaborations with other groups, and participatory protocols. I'm super excited. And as always, some of the questions they came up with made me think hard and rethink entrenched beliefs. I suspect that in a way, they do keep me young. 

Sadly, some of the Planned Parenthood and Black Lives Matter posters they'd had in the windows were vandalized over the summer (Pic). They plan to repair them with gold paint kintsugi style. ♥️ I took a walk during break and came back wondering if we could offer restorative justice options for the offenders.

(long)winded

My mom told me that her dad told her that Napoleon Bonaparte could will himself to wake at whatever time he wanted to by repeating the time firmly to himself before he went to bed. I don't know why this handy knack needs to come prefaced by Bonaparte because I would guess that most people (like me) don't particularly want to conquer swathes of Europe or be imprisoned. (Also, I just googled and can't find anything that supports this factoid. What did my early-twentieth-century grandfather in India know that the rest of the world doesn't?!? Ha.)

For the most part I can will myself to wake when I want to too. I'm up 5-ish most days, but I can make myself wake up whenever it is that travel or work necessitate. I always still set an alarm as a backup though.

Anyway, all of this to say, I'm not setting an alarm tonight and I'll wake up when I wake up. I do have an orientation to run tomorrow, but it only starts in the afternoon. The first week back after summer and sabbatical has been... a lot.

Pic: Fuzzy parking lot sunset clouds. 

yes and no

YES: Dropped off a handmade card for the new union. (Pic) 

NO: Hallmark hasn't stepped up to this opportunity yet--when I googled "Congratulations on your Union," all I got were wedding cards. (Ha)

--------------

YES: I've been shopping for groceries with two crates I keep in the car for a while now. It's much easier than bagging, everything stays upright, and it's easy to eyeball when I have enough food for the week. I highly recommend my crate method!

NO: I do not recommend setting the crates down on the stovetop (and accidentally turning on the stove by leaning on the knobs) because you might set your fresh groceries on fire, the smoke alarm might make your puppies go bonkers, and it could leave the house smelling like the inside of a cigar store. Could have been way worse, I suppose.

I got the cider and then I cried

I started the day with a good cry because my bestie KB left today. She's going to MN to be closer to her parents, and this will be good for her professionally, and it all makes sense, and we even have plans for November... but... it still hurts.

I grabbed some doughnuts and cider for her road trip up north a couple of hours before I was due to teach, and we chatted and cried and commiserated about all the stuff happening to us/around us. And then we were laughing again until she said something about being "long gone" in response to something and I started weeping again.

I won't post our tear-stained 'ussie', but I want to remember happier times and our long walks on the bike path.

Pic: KB's tweet which was followed by some sappy E.T. references from both of us.

Say "ah"

Quick visit to the doc for a second series of shots for Scout and Huck. They were so excited to be in the exam room squeaking and panting, they kind of took my mind off earlier this morning... 

...which was full of durm and strang with Nu just refusing to go to school. (Not asking, plain refusing.) When I called the school, they advised me to call the police, and at that point I just gave up. I'm not sure what good could come of calling the police on a trans kid. I'm so out of my depth over here.

#1

It was raining when Nu and I left home this morning. 

And it rained most of my way to work (free car wash!).

By the time I got to campus: blue skies. 

May this be an omen of the term to come.

Six on a Sunday

*     Pic: Just a silly picture Nu and I took the other day. We like squirrels. And we like how this one seems to have claimed a local church. 

*     Speaking of church--UU was one of our first stops  today. Nu is helping in the little kids' room instead of doing R.E. with his own set and liking it. Also, the MI Lieutenant Governor was at the service and everyone waved to him. Singing has been back for a while, and I'm loving it.

*     Between meeting CF (massage) and BES (dinner prep) and EM (birthday celebration) in person this weekend and  marathon text threads and FaceTimes with the cousins, fam, and friends--It was a rather intense social weekend.

*     On the other hand, I did a TON of work today with new students. It's a Sunday, but then it's the start of the semester and they're new and seemed a bit lost, so... 

*     All the syllabuses and diagnostics for tomorrow are uploaded on Canvas. So there's nothing left to do but get some sleep, hope the documents stay stable, and look forward to tomorrow with that classic first-day-combination of jittery excitement and flustery edginess. 

*     Bye-bye sabbatical!