Spring farewell

footsteps scatter oracular

one foot then another

grow louder than water

I bless the bees, the blooms

the leaves like hearts

sound, reverberating 

spring is a gamble, my friend

some years fruit, beautiful

others empty and quiet

I see my own fate in these lines

of light, denial, the tunnel 

curving, coming up for air

Pic: Red Cedar River this morning.

full circle/circle of love

The newly wed baby cousin was coming to lunch/linner today. As I finished cooking one set of dishes, it made me smile because I had used the pots and pans her parents had gifted me when I got married. 

I took this picture to send to her mom, and we've been calling it the full circle/circle of love because I happened to be listening the Sunday Puzzle on the radio, and it's kind of like this challenge?

An otherwise quiet day--apart from that one elaborate meal--I didn't get much done. (And that's ok!)

all empty and all full

The city has emptied out--what with the end of the MSU semester, graduating students, and the long Memorial Day weekend ahead of us. 

I was on my own for dinner tonight, so after I fed Scout and Huck, I had a whole column of pistachio baklava and about half of a small watermelon. 

I regret nothing.

Pic: The largest solar carport in North America had just three parked cars on this morning's walk with L. 

even greener

I play the laptop's keyboard like a piano 

and also a drum, beating without pain

for the sunlight spreading thin as butter

for the dream in which no one can die  

[fragment]

Pic: Baker Woods with L

noted

My calendar said I had RSVPed 'yes' to the annual Child Advocacy luncheon, so I went. 

I did not know that I would be getting an award. (I guess that's why my director had insisted I be there?)

I did not know that I would be the only person there who was masked. (Maybe because people were expecting to unmask before eating anyway?)

Everything still feels a little unreal.

a start

After last night and then today's tally of 19 kids killed in their elementary school in Texas just a week after the Buffalo shootings, I look back at a moment from an ordinary part of the day and it looks absurd and impossible. 

Can puppies really be that fuzzy? Do we really get to take a walk like the world isn't ending?

a night in the ER

Everyone is ok (or will be ok), but it was scary and uncomfortable and horrible. 

And now I'm behind on a bunch of stuff I was supposed to get done. I did start--and finish--the new Emily St. John Mandel, Sea of Tranquility, overnight though.

people-ing

My people returned home over the course of the day. At to pick up packages, and stuff; Nu sleepy from his sleepover; Big A from two days away at work. 

At was darling, Nu was grumpy, Big A was doting. 

Notable quotes: 

At: (holding an armful of books from his room) I wish I could just get all this in my brain instantly.

Nu: (about many things) No.

Big A: (who had gotten copped for speeding) I couldn't wait to get home, that's why I was speeding. Also, I was listening to The Strokes. 

____________

Pic: Hagadorn Woods with L. I feel lighter just looking at this.

quiet

I started working in the "secret garden" this week. Clearly, I have lots left to tidy, trim, etc... but I went ahead and planted stuff because I knew it would make me happy. And I took a picture, because who knows how long things will last--deer ate the lilacs, hostas, and hydrangeas down to their stalks last year.  

I started this garden in 2020 for Nu, but like many other things, I seem to be the one holding on to something after the kid(s) seems to have lost interest. Nu was the best gardening companion, I hope this'll be something he's interested in again when summer break starts. In the meantime, I'm lucky that Scout and Huck will keep me company for hours while I garden.

Today--it's just the puppies and me at home. Nu is off at a sleepover and Big A is at work. A glimpse of times to come? I suppose. 

[I will note that not having to feed a growing child with allergies or a fussy spouse is very liberating in terms of food choices. I made such a delicious spicy mango salad with peanuts for my dinner.]

book/talk

Book club today. Because we're in the midst of a Covid spike, everyone took a test before they came. 

We'd read Pachinko (2017 and ancient, I know), but someone had liked it a lot. We were fairly divided on it, but some interesting discussion as always. 

One of the things I love about about book club is how even reading the book on my own becomes communal, because I found myself wondering how certain members would react to this or that. 

I hosted this month, and I'd been excited to research a Korean menu--I went with (three kinds of) mandu, (three flavors of) jumeokbap, and an assortment of mochi. I made the jumeokbap rice balls from scratch, found the mochi readymade, and the mandu dumplings semi-prepped at the asian grocery store. It all came together pretty easily--I even had tons of time to putter around in the garden, take a long soak, and read before people showed up.

Scout and Huck loved all the extra attention, Nu took off with his cell phone to practice "self-care" in his room, reemerging for dinner, a show, cuddles, and clean up after everyone had left.

Pic: The people of book club. I'm in this picture (albeit happily blending into the shadows like a ninja). 

Rockstars

Look at these fuzzy rockstars! My first sighting of goslings this year. I appreciate how protective their parents are, and it never fails to amaze me how they'll be full-fledged geese by the end of this short season. This is pretty much my theme for the spring-- marveling at things: e.g. what I thought looked like dead sticks springing back into life as trees and shrubs.

While on rockstars, I read the entirety of Taylor Swift's--Dr. Taylor Swift's--commencement speech to the NYU class of 22. It was all good advice, honest, confidently self-deprecating, and very well crafted. Recommended. Wish there had been something about service and the greater good, but other than that--no notes. I think I might share with students. Here's a snippet: "How will you know what the right choice is in these crucial moments? You won’t. How do I give advice to this many people about their life choices? I won’t. Scary news is: You’re on your own now. Cool news is: You’re on your own now."

Pic: Family of geese by the Red Cedar on a walk with L this morning.

still

Just keeping this Mary Oliver quote--that KV made into a card I'm now using as a bookmark--as my mantra. 

"Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still
and learning to be/astonished."

Nu said the the other day that I do way too much and that I should be doing less. After a heartbeat Nu said that they feel stressed because of me. Taking that in was difficult, because in my mind I'm doing stuff to make it easier for the people in my life.

Pic: KV's card/bookmark with a Mary Oliver quote. I'm currently reading Natalie Haynes' A Thousand Ships. I'm a sucker for this Greek epic/mythology genre, what do you want me to say? I loved, loved Pat Barker's The Silence of the Girls just a couple of months ago, and was happy to discover the Haynes.

recuperation update

It was a *lovely* day outside and I worked in the garden with Scout and Huckie all morning. At (looking kind of sickly in the slope of his shoulders here) came outside to read for a bit and I stayed out longer than I would have because it felt so nice to have those three around me.

Have to say Big A and Nu have been arbitrary and weird about At's Covid. Nu didn't want to eat in the same room (he'd have been over 8-10 feet away) and Big A thought At shouldn't share a bathroom with anyone (although we've been at airports and work and stuff).  

Hmm. They've also said I was "not taking it seriously enough" and must be "wrongly feeling invincible" although I thought I was being careful in masking with a K-95 any time I was in his room. My family is weird is all I can say.

Later in the day, At took a negative Covid test and took off for his apartment since he "has" to be at work tomorrow. His work didn't require a test; I did. 

Anyway--perhaps it was the gardening and outside time that helped, because I have the same things hanging over me, but I was way less flustered today.

deeply rooted

kindness is a common form of love

the drip of its tap like heartbeat

its tempo rowing in place

I can look down at myself 

how I've thought I knew it all-- 

now I fit in whatever comes my way  

sifting the hard cuts with a soft care 

for moments turn meaningless

without my memories

like spring soil I keep

holding on, I hold nothing back 

honestly, all I've taken is inside myself

home, home to take care of the kids

We landed late last night and returned home to excitement and relief from the kids. 

Nu has been amazing about keeping everyone else fed, watered, medicated, and quarantined. At looked much better than I'd imagined although he does have a fever and a sore throat (plus his asthma is kicking in). Ibuprofen and lots of love and care for now. 

Although At thinks it's bad timing (when would a good time for Covid be?!) since he was supposed to be in charge of the younger sibs while we were gone, I wonder if it works out for the best. He's here where we can care for him rather than by himself in his apartment. I remember that time when was in college and so sick his worried housemates called me.

Anyway: Home and hoping--as Nicole put it--that his "symptoms are mild and the recovery is quick."

Pic: Sunset as we were landing in Detroit last night.

net tossup

It never fails. Every time, the wonderful Mel over at Stirrup Queens selects this blog to highlight in her Friday Roundup series (894 and counting!!), something from another part of my life gets published. Sure enough, Mel picked Monday's Mother's Day Blues for her roundup today and this NWSA statement about the leaked SCOTUS decision went live.

I have a slight case of triskaidekaphobia, which prickled to life when Mel noted today was Friday the 13th in her blog post today and my uneasiness really sprouted with the news that At had tested positive for Covid. Nu tested negative, but I had him stay home from school too, just in case. 

(Also testing positive for Covid, scads of people at this Emergency Medicine conference of Big A's. Only about 30% are masked indoors, so it's not a surprise, but given what these folks do for a living, what the ever-loving what?)

Anyway, to sum up: I hate that I'm so far away when the kids are in crisis but am SO glad we're headed home today. And also, this article about how Friday the 13th isn't unlucky, but can tap into powerful female energy was very interesting and gave me more than an idea or two.

past banter

Still in NOLA.

Missing my babies and home.

And thinking about last week when Big A and I were walking on the MSU campus. A young person in a group running past us yelled out, "nice kicks" at Big A, who was surprised, but reflexively thanked him. 

I, though, was curious about what the runner was wearing... and it turned out that he was wearing an identical pair.

I started laughing and I yelled out to him, "you're wearing the same thing!" 

And he turned around, laughing too, and smirked "I know, right?" before he raced off to to rejoin his group. 

I loved so much that he had been making the joke for himself mostly--since he was going so fast and we might have missed the matching shoes. 

I keep thinking about this and wish life could always be this place where we were all doing fun things with people we like and bantering lightheartedly across generational and race difference. 

Pic: Sunrise over Nola from the hotel room.

tiny parade

Somehow as if by magic, I've reached the end of my to-do list for the WEEK (letters of recommendation, internship placements, proposal invitations, assorted email catchups, course planning preps).

I took myself off for a long walk to celebrate and, as if just for me, the city shared a tiny parade. The last person you can see in the picture is the last person in the whole parade. 

I don't know what this parade was for, but I remember reading that it's super easy to throw a parade in NOLA (complete with police escort and marching band). 
 

Hola from NOLA

I'm in New Orleans with Big A who is conferencing. 

It's 90 degree weather, gulf breezes, views from our 34th story hotel room on Canal Street, remote work, and long walks by myself during the day... and hotel bars, takeout, and hangouts with Big A in the evening. 

We might be the only people masking in the hotel (full of emergency medicine doctors because of the conference) like at all, and were a handful of people masked in the airport and on the plane. 

This is absolutely non essential travel for me, so a part of me is puritanically and vindictively whispering that if I get Covid because of this trip, I deserve it. But right in this moment, I'm having fun.
 

Mother's Day Blues

I have mixed feelings about Mother's Day. For one thing, I did not grow up with this holiday although it is now widely celebrated in India too. And then, I always think the apostrophe should go over the plural version--it feels more inclusive and more in keeping with the socialist and anti-war origins of the day. And on top of it all, there's knowing that Mother's Day can be a day of mourning for so many.  

And it hasn't always been happy for me.

At is 23--and I don't think all 23 of my Mother's Days have been happy ones. All the recent ones have been, but it took a while to get there. It was fine when the kids were younger--elementary school teachers (bless them!) made sure the kids had a card to give me on Mother's Day. I think they would talk about what to do on Mother's Day, so the kids would pick flowers sometimes, and they always had that card they made in class to produce with such a proud flourish. There were some gems in those early days: At saying he loves me because I "make refreshing drinks;" Nu saying they love me because I gave them "their blood and bones." 🤣 Both of those statements are still in regular rotation over here. 

But when the kids were too young to do stuff themselves, Big A was very hands off. I remember asking him to help the kids plan and him saying "but you're not my mother"--which I thought was missing the point. On top of that, I frequently have to to be the one reminding him to call/plan for his mom too. As this long-ago post references, I wallowed in self-pity because I loved mothering and wanted Mother's Day to be special--but it was mostly Hallmark media telling me what it ought to be, and I could see it not happening in my life.

But at some point in the last ten years or so, I realized that I did not want breakfast in bed (I'm not a breakfast person at all although I make the kids breakfast every day) or presents (I already have too much stuff)--what I really want is some meaningful time with the kids doing something together. So in more recent years, I've just said what I'd like for us to be doing: some years it's been yoga and spa, some years it has been gardening. And all of it has made me very happy. And although I do not need presents, the kids have started giving me the sweetest, most meaningful things--last year they gave me a water backpack for hiking, and this year they gave me a toddler Ganesh.

Pic: This year's amazing card and present. I plan to use the card as a bookmark in my planner; the toddler Ganesha will sit on my reading table.