our fathers return in the evening
the sun setting their hair
alight in halos
as we wait--uniform as pebbles
but rowdy, eager, and ready
weightless in loyalty
no wonder revolution feels far away
the feeling of it receding from
right beneath our feet
_______________________
Note: So dissatisfied with this and not yet done, but this is as far as I got today.
7 comments:
Oooh I like it!
Nice.
I feel like you need another stanza between 2 and 3. The resolution is sudden, unfounded almost. Or perhaps it's the word choice of "rowdy" that alters the cadence and atmosphere.
I definitely know what you're trying to capture; the setup with the word choice of "sun setting" and "halos" and "weightless in loyalty" is perfect. It's a strong and beautiful poem in progress.
Aw, Thanks, Nicole!!
Thanks!
Nance! My jaw just dropped open. I *did* have a stanza between #2 and #3! How did you know??! I took it out because it sounded too didactic. I am going to abandon this piece for a while actually, because I can't seem to get the voice right. I do like the "the sun setting their hair
alight in halos" and might repurpose that. So grateful for your keen reading <3 .
I feel like Nance is a witch. Or just a suuuuuuper experienced reader and teacher. But probably a witch.
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