in memoriam

This ad was in the Yellow Springs News two weeks ago, and the event was a whole week ago, and my point is... 

that between the big CASA award, the book coming out, and the book tour, this could have been a happy year for me, but instead I have these huge gaps in time and memory...

I have no idea how I got through the last year, and I'm not sure how I can get through--or to plan to get through--the next and the one after that...

Worse, I worry that people have been granting me some kind of grief dispensation and will expect me to be more normal when my year of grieving is over. So I may have even less margin to work with.

I can sense, for instance, about Big A a feeling of frustration/desperation/impatience, which I know comes from love and is couched in all the right phrases, but is nevertheless eager for me to be me. But I will never be that person again. 

Tennyson talks about the veil between life and death in In Memoriam--I think the veil extends to the people we were before and after loss as well.