My peace. My priorities. My pleasure.
At the end of the day, perhaps I shouldn't have eaten a whole BAR of hazelnut Chocolove, but at the time it seemed both imperative and enjoyable.
Pic: My view from the hammock.
And I'm mostly awed by the bunny ear attachments to Nu's sweatshirt. Nu worked on them all this week, and in true punk fashion sourced everything from what we already had.
Earlier in the day we headed to my office and, on the commute, we listened to Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. Nu's first time. I think it's time.
Pic: Bee on thistle; English Garden @MSU.
I missed being outside, but I didn't feel comfortable leaving Nu by himself because of all the health stuff. This way, both of us get to be around each other, get some fresh air, and build our stamina.
It was a good start. The only downside being Nu wore his Doc Martens and got a blister and then wished he'd listened to me--I hate being right sometimes.
Pic: This was our best "ussie" via our reflections--waving creepily at our reflections in the Red Cedar River was L's idea.
Last night just as I was falling asleep, the phrase "a rocket of heavenly delight" popped into my head and in those few seconds, I was SO CERTAIN that I'd discovered SUCH A brilliant creative phrase. THE MOST.
When I woke up for the day, I wasn't sure what I'd meant by it or what I would use it for. I know it was some tongue-in-cheek riff off of The Garden of Earthly Delights, but I wasn't sure of the how, why, or what.
Nu thinks that I maybe meant it as a paean to the Spain trip where we got to see the triptych at the Prado?
Or maybe this is just what happens when 2 am becomes the time you fall asleep.
Anyway, like Kanye, Nu didn't graduate from outpatient care, he just decided he was finished. So we're home with exercises and things to monitor and follow up on. We started a new show Heartstopper, which I find adorable. Nu critically noted that the show--about two gay teenagers--is written by a woman, but he appears to be charmed nevertheless.
Having a somewhat normal day and knowing that we don't have to report to outpatient in the morning is like being on a rocket of heavenly delight nice. (Ok, I'll stop trying to make "a rocket of heavenly delight" happen... I can see it's not going to happen.😏)
A long time ago, I read Lydia Davis's "The Mother" from Break it Down. Here it is in its entirety:
The girl wrote a story. “But how much better it would be if you wrote a novel,” said her mother. The girl built a doll-house. “But how much better if it were a real house,” her mother said. The girl made a small pillow for her father. “But wouldn’t a quilt be more practical,” said her mother. The girl dug a small hole in the garden. “But how much better if you dug a large hole,” said her mother. The girl dug a large hole and went to sleep in it. “But how much better if you slept forever,” said her mother.
Although I read it so long ago, it's always in the back of my head as a reminder of how not to "fix things." While that chilling paragraph is about the specific dynamics of mother-daughter relationships, I think it works for parenting/teaching/editing/being a friend or partner too. There are more of Davis's stories here.
Good: Catching up with EM, BS, and JG after a couple of weeks having too much going on. I appreciate their love, support, expertise, and empathy so much.
Bad: Toss up between the UU trip that didn't happen to the 911 call that almost did.
Ugly: Websites that tell me facts I'm not ready to hear.
Beal Gardens yesterday and Farmers' Market today--I can still enjoy other people's adventures in gardening this summer.
I am filled with gratefulness for sunshine, rain, sweet breezes, summer produce...
This is the summer of the sweetest cherries I've ever eaten...
This is the most bug-free summer I remember...
Just one more month of this radiant, glorious time; enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
Pic: Beal Gardens, MSU
But... after I meditated yesterday, I realized that I haven't been spending time outside as much as I used to after the garden was squashed. Yet I need the outdoors and summer sunshine now more than ever. It's a bit like that Zen saying about meditation itself? "You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you’re too busy, then you should sit for an hour.”
I should be spending MORE time outside not less. Inside is chores and worrying. Outside is sunshine and wonder. I can do better and be better when I feel better.
Today I had a ramble in Ted Black Woods with L and T and biked with Big A after dinner.
Tomorrow I will spend time in the hammock.
Pic: Ted Black Woods
These two synchronized sleepers are mostly ok, (though a bit lonely with At away and Big A gone so much).
At is a bit stressed about NLRB elections especially since the only other Chipotle to apply for a union is being shut down as this article details.
Nu is having a very tough time although we've surrounded him with love and support. All I can do is try harder.
But all I can see is Scout's paw on my foot as I'm working.
This child anchors me day and night.
Between its appearance and my Chelli's confidence in me, I'm hopeful for the upcoming week.
Then yoga with Big A via Portal, A trip to the dollar store with Nu, a call to Cousin N to arrange next week's family get together, a long soak, leftovers for dinner.
A take-it-easy kinda day.
Pic: Baker Woods, MSU
It's after the cousins have finishedwith their choreographed dancesafter the henna has dried on my hands
My aunt, the brides' mother, comes upto her sisters and sisters-in-lawLet's get on the dance floorshe says, It's our time now
Then let's go, let's go, let's gothe bride's mother saysgesturing to the dance floorlooking like she's already dancing
It's the same far away look she haswe have no time to losewe can't waste a single minute, she saysbut she seems also, so far away
and everyone is ooh-ing and cryingeven more than usualbecause--you know--we know
and when I finally get to congratulatemy uncle and my aunt
My aunt who's made no mentionof what we all know all weekend longfinally breaks. Gripping my uncle's hand
in a way both hard and tender, she says--I just hope he gets to see the babyshe says, as if there is no time
Luckily for me (and everyone who needs to be in contact with me), R made a house call, set up their magic massage table, and I spent the rest of the day transfused with flexibility, thankfulness, and calm.
I'm thankful I had the time, some extra cash, and a kind and accommodating professional to help me feel well enough to be a good person today.
Otherwise, tons of work for me, six hours of outpatient care for Nu; both of us came home feeling depleted. Nu had a good cry, I held it together...but couldn't wait for the parenting day to be over. Then I got lost in a book. And so to bed, hoping for a kinder tomorrow.
Pic: Scout and Huck could hear Dada's voice but they don't "see" things on screens, so Nu tried to show them up close. 💗
Nu helped me with the bigger limbs while Big A did our annual mow. After they got tired, it was just me listening to bird calls and dragging stuff out and taking it to the piles by the firepit and being plied with lemon water by Nu and visits from Big A.
We have kindling for the rest of the year. At least.
The rest of the day was a nice soak, then Impossible burgers I had prepped at breakfast, smores by the firepit, and so to bed (with a detour to finish Elif Batuman's Either/Or, which I loved).
While I was gone all afternoon, Big A took Nu to the cat café where Nu played with all the cats he wanted to and had a great time. Big A and I are both allergic (and I'm mildly ailurophobic) so poor Nu has to make do with visiting. I've been informed that when Nu is grownup, he will live with cats and rats and that we can take allergy meds when we want to visit. I think that's very fair.
Pic: Nu making a cat friend (and Big A's reflection).
It reminded me a bit of the anklet in Silapadikaram The Story of an Anklet and I was gratified that Nu remembered the plot-point about how there were rubies inside the heroine's anklet and only pearls in the queen's.
We picked up Big A from the train station yesterday--horrifyingly for me and Nu who tend to be very diligent about masking--he hadn't worn a mask on the Amtrak, so we made him test at home. Also, WTH. I mean he seemed suitably chastened, but I thought we were on the same page about this.
And I got my Bluey car back! A couple I met on a shuttle in an airport parking lot a while ago told me about "Save A Deer" whistles, so I'm putting some on this weekend. Please stay away from me on the highway, deer!
And I'll be overcome with hope for Nu, all of us, the world...
And I begin to dream again.
Today At watched as the local Teamsters served management at his workplace papers indicating that At and his fellow workers had signed union cards; the National Labor Review Board will now conduct an election. He sent us a picture and said management was "pissed."
It has been exciting to see the slow build to At's organizing--first it was just conversations with a fellow nerd, then more scripted check-ins with other colleagues, vetting different unions, trying to get a super majority of his colleagues on board--even roping me in to talk to an older south-asian colleague in our shared mother tongue.
When he first said he wanted to unionize his fast food place, I have to admit I thought it was a bit of a pipe dream and definitely did not think he and the other young people would make this much progress in under a year. Shows how much I don't know. Fingers crossed for their NLRB election.
Pic: At made this button a while ago; now that things are public, he can finally wear it.
We managed to fit a lot into the 24 hours we were in YS, though. Peaches yesterday for reunion drinks, Glen Garden for flowers for Big A's mom with whom we were staying, Toy Company and Dark Star to keep Nu occupied, planned hangouts like the one pictured, and of course all the random running into old friends and neighbors.
It's difficult not to feel a bit of nostalgia for the YS years and wonder...Will we ever move back there again? What might our lives have been like if we'd stayed?
Since we lived in YS (2008-2012), some are my friends too. But as the outsider, I was surprised by how much people remembered from 30 years ago. Everyone remembers Big A's infamous exploits (he'd have gotten juvie for his Ex-Lax cookies for sure these days!). But people were also saying to each other how kind people had been, how someone was the big sibling they didn't have at home, how they'd been made welcome although they were new in town.
It was definitely a taste of the old YS--all the once high-schoolers in this picture from progressive, hippie, biracial, LGBTQ families or living near families who were--growing up in an environment like that must have been so formative for them. What it must have been like to take all of that for granted... 30 years ago. The person who went into the army right after high school said how he was asked if "gays should be in the military" and that he'd responded "gay people have always been in the military, maybe you didn't know it." These people must have pushed change in the world outside of their bubble.
Also: we've been having a bit of a tough time at home because of some teen behaviors/choices/consequences--this was a good reminder that high school isn't forever, and hopefully, we will just remember the mellow highlights in a few years.
Surely no one deserves this much adoration... but it feels like Scout is giving me credit for being such a grown up today: getting Nu to multiple doc appts., taking multiple meetings, being supportive to Big A as he moves into his new office in WI, and rescuing all the plants in my office.
Or maybe Scout's commiserating because I almost got my Bluey back. Bluey got busted when I hit that poor deer back in February, and has been in the bodyshop for a month (parts shortage, delay, etc.). They called to say Bluey was ready, but when Nu and I drove off down the street, all sorts of warning lights began to flicker--so we went back for a recheck.
In any case, I needed an extra dose of love today, and Scout was right there for me.
