what is time

"There is never time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment; the time is always now."

100 years of James Baldwin. How everything he said still glimmers in my soul

300 days of the killing in Gaza. The grief and guilt of 186,000 people dead (and the many more missing, disabled, orphaned...)

A deadline that keeps coming back like a zombie

A lifetime of intentions in an unreasonable world

A lifeline of everything happy wrapped in possible sadness and vice versa

In the meantime, love shows up and we carry on
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Pic: It was Nu's turn to bring the after-dinner fruit to the table and when they placed the wedges of watermelon with its Palestinian colors next to the "Against the MSU War Machine" zine we picked up at the protest, the juxtaposition was just begging to be photographed.

Herb + Scrap Garden

I have a crate of ripe tomatoes from the farmers' market on the floor of my pantry, and abundant cherry tomatoes in a container pot on the patio, but every morning I bounce out of bed to squint through the early morning glare on the windows to check if the tomatoes ripening in my veggie plot are still there. So far, so good! There are some absolute beauties that should be ready for us in a week or so.

In the meantime, the herbs I planted indoors while we were still snowbound back in March are doing alright too.  StephLove was 100% right that the basil wouldn't last--it didn't despite my care and all that sunlight. Neither did the parsley, but the other herbs I think of as my "Scarborough Fair" herbs--sage, rosemary, thyme, and bonus mint are doing great. 

At some point, I started tucking nubs of things I'd used up in the kitchen like swiss chard, romaine, green onions, leeks, and celery into those pots, and it has been so cheery to see them sprouting all over again. I used the onions, chard, and romaine to up the green quotient in our dinner today.

Pic: Herbs and scraps growing. Also in the frame (bottom right) my very leafy but blossomlessfree jasmine.

you may have heard

I dreamt of death on this brilliant day
the smudge of a cloud in my eye
at this ordinary catastrophe 

it could set my people free from care
it has taken me years to see this

is a love song, a love song

to the day dissolving in sympathy
 to forgetting how you love me 

by keeping the world a secret

___________________________ 

Pic: This funny fellow in the grass kept me company this afternoon.

soundtrack of loss

I want to watch the Baz Lurhmann Romeo and Juliet with Nu and have been playing that brilliant (not sure how much nostalgia has to do with my appraisal) soundtrack album hoping it will pique Nu's interest.  

What I did not expect was to hear these (SILLY) lines I've heard a zillion (slight exaggeration) times before in "Lovefool" (the "love me, love me, say that you love me" song) differently: "Lately I have desperately pondered/spent my nights awake and I wonder/what I could have done in another way/to make you stay." And immediately think of Scout. Wow, death is so final, there's nothing to do but rage and cry. 

People in the family have been teasing me (gently) because of other random songs on the radio that have made me feel they were about Scout. I guess technically many of these are about lovers, but ultimately, they're about any beloved. Here's a partial list: *Stina Nordenstam "Little Star" *K.C. and the Sunshine Band "Please Don't Go" *Phoebe Bridgers "Funeral" *Paramore "The Only Exception" *Diana Krall "Feels Like Home" *Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time" *One Republic "Come Home" *Coldplay "The Scientist" *Jessie Ware "Meet Me in the Middle" *Cyndi Lauper "Time After Time" *Janet Jackson "Together Again" *Mariah Carey "One Sweet Day" *Arianna Grande "One Last Time"  *Selena Gomez "Back to You" *Foo Fighters "Walking After You" *Matchbox 20 "If You're Gone" *Arctic Monkeys "Do I Wanna Know" 

I also listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra and Aditya Hrudayam on repeat in the early days of loss and cannot hear them now without feeling bereavement. I guess I'm good at taking any song and making it about me. Ha.

______________________

Pic: Max and Huck DO NOT WANT Big A to leave for work. 

someday...

I've loved the beach since I was a kid. The beach (especially if I'm there with people I love) is always my happy place.  

That's something Big A knows. For instance, when we had to queue up an hour early for good seats on the cruise on Saturday, he remarked that I didn't seem to mind because I just watched the waves the whole time. No phone or book, he marveled.

So as we drove over the Mackinaw Bridge, Big A was daydreaming about getting a cabin on the lake someday so I could watch the waves all day. It would have to be a tiny plot and all we'd put in would be one great room with a screened-in porch. I realized the screened-in porch would be for A who doesn't enjoy the beach and sun as much as I do--so basically, a way for him to be with me as I do something I love. 

Love is a true blessing. 

Pic: Beautiful Lake Superior from the car window as we left the Upper Peninsula yesterday. I still yearn for the ocean some days, but the Great Lakes and the "third coast" have really grown on me. 

And... we're back!

That was basically just a 48-hour vacation--and it was awesome! I feel rested, reset, and ready.

We took a sunset cruise to marvel at the multicolored cliff faces 500 million years in the making last night, slept in this morning, and checked out of our hotel early. We planned to hike at Hartwick Pines on the way home. But when we got there, the visitor center was closed, everything looked deserted, there were no other hikers, the signal for our All-Trails app conked out, and I got a bad feeling in my bones, so I called it off. I felt good about honoring my intuitive sense rather than feeling self-conscious about bailing. Also, I read a review later that mentioned hunters with rifles on the trails, so I'm really glad I did. 

We picked up Culvers for the meat eaters and a Subway for me, and were back in time for a nice dinner reunion with the human and puppy babies.

Pic: From our raucous dinner with friends (CM, SS, and bestie KB) at Torch Lake on Friday.

beaches, please

The trip to Pictured Rocks was Big A's Christmas present to me. I wasn't sure if we'd go after his hospitalization, but he was cleared for work last week, and we already had reservations, so off we went. 

I wondered if we'd hike as much as we originally planned to... but we had a lovely day today checking out Wagner Falls, Chapel Falls, Chapel Rock, and Chapel Beach. The hike out to Chapel Beach is my FAVORITE-EST hike so far. Just hours winding through a cool and restful forest, until you slope down to a brilliant and soft-grained beach. 

Pic: Big A and me at Chapel Rock. I love how the lone tree on top of the rock has visibly sent its roots off the rock to source out sustenance and support. (The roots are right behind A's left shoulder.  You can see the beach just beyond the rock too.)