shadow / reflection

Back to afternoon walks with Big A after a few days off... It had been rainy/he worked three in a row/one or both of us didn't sleep well/some other excuse.

I'm burying the lede a bit here, but Big A's scheduled to report to NYC for a couple of
weeks--although their cases are down, their regular docs will need a break. He volunteered about a month ago, and his schedule has just been formalized.

He offered to "just stay the heck alive" because it made him sad to imagine me falling apart. Reader, I plan to take him up on this generous offer.

'C' is for Sibling

Nu took the box part from a boxed set of thank-you cards and created a lovely 3-D photo frame for At's birthday.

The box was originally plain blue, and Nu painted the grass, flowers, stars, and crescent moon, propping up the photo on a toothpick so you can kind of bobble it.

I thought the moon was a 'C'--and when I asked what it was for, Nu looked me straight in the eye and deadpanned: "it stands for sibling" before breaking into giggles.

I love every part of their creativity.

[I remember when we took this picture so clearly--we had just moved to Yellow Springs at the end of the 2007-2008 academic year, and were visiting Grandpa R and Grandma C. It may have been Nu's first time in a hammock. At is 9; Nu < 1. Taken on my Nikon DSLR, which I loved, but haven't felt the need to use in years now...]

Feeling 21

At's bright smile, 21 birthday candles collapsing into the Bananas Foster, and my hurried, clumsy picture... but At's bright smile!

Big A, Nu, and I (and Scout and Huck) had fun decorating the table and making a "boozy" dinner (ravioli in vodka marinara, bourbon-blackened salmon and veggies, Bananas Foster), looking at old At baby pictures, and celebrating the fiercely compassionate, delightfully mellow, and cheekily erudite firstborn. He loved all his presents--the party planning essentials, the new Michael Yates book, cheese aficionado tools, and our big spend--the Dyson hot/cold fan/air purifier thing he can take to his bedroom now and dorm/first apartment etc. later.

At had originally (months ago) wanted to have a family dinner and go out to a bar with friends, but modified his plans to a Zoom "Conspiracy Theory Party" because of the lockdown. I heard him kind of cackling long after midnight, so I think that part went well too.

😍🥰😍😘🥰😍 

Once upon a time

I'm not great with numbers, but every calendar I consult infers that this baby was born 21 years ago (tomorrow).  It sounds like a long, long time ago, and yet feels like it all happened in the spaces between one hug and the next.

And with At, there're always LOTS of hugs. 

This is Us

Sparty wears a mask; be like Sparty!
(MSU Stadium on Monday 4/27)

While Lansing didn't get the volume of Covid cases predicted, Big A has been seeing patients in the E.D. and has been self-isolating. This article--"What the Pandemic is doing to the Children of Doctors and Nurses" (and children of other frontline workers: grocery, mail, sanitation, transport, etc. too, I daresay!) posted by ND, Big A's NYU batch-mate, really struck a nerve. 

I mean this... is literally us:
"Some health-care workers have moved away from their families, and many others have isolated in spare bedrooms or basements, trying to explain to their kids that they can no longer hug them because the consequences of even a single touch could be dire."

Pre-dinner Deliciousness

I think so, anyway...





and Scoutie seems to agree.

Looking Back, Looking Out

Owl totem @MSU Gardens this morning

In retrospect, it was surprising how suddenly things changed. One Saturday I'm celebrating my 1920s-themed birthday extravaganza and by Friday of the very next week, classes had been moved online and At was home from college for the rest of the year.

We finally unpacked At's college stuff from his car (it's only been over 40 days, no biggie 😛) and I took all his boxes down to the basement, because Big A uses it for an office space and hence it's now a no-go zone for the kids. (Incidentally, after years, I'm also doing the kids' laundry for that same reason.) 

Anyway, At wanted me to get the box with his PS4 games--but I couldn't remember it. Then At got serious and asked me if I'd seen a box with books. And yes, indeed I had, and had even read the titles on the spines with approval. 

Problem solved--it was in that box. As he put it: "Classic Mama! I knew you'd remember books." 

Family Pic (J/K)

I mean--family pic for sure, just not my own 😊.

We found this large family on an early morning hike. It was just me and L going quite fast--so for an hour at least, it felt like pre-Covid days...

Still a few letters to write for students headed to grad school and some guest lectures and appearances for colleagues teaching Spring Term. But otherwise just an ordinary day, stuck at home with family. And I enjoy both home and family and am so so so grateful for both, but the boredom is nevertheless real.

Sunday, Fuzzy Sunday

A quick walk with L and R while we talked about the first section of The Overstory, and this bit of green with the trees and farmhouse in the distance was pure serendipity. Talking about the book with R who's reading it for her bookclub tomorrow,  reminded me so much of feeling the tug of that book pulling me out into the unknown, and the running list of unfamiliar words I started keeping as I waded deeper into it. This would be the perfect time to reread it, actually.

KB, yesterday's birthday girl, and SS, last week's birthday girl, wanted to do a smaller Zoom chat this afternoon, and lots of gaffes and laughs ensued. When K said "quarantine poetry," I thought she'd said "horny poetry" and nodded a bit too enthusiastically. Speaking of... no walk with Big A today, but I pulled together a really nice lemony, chicken-meatball soup using up all the garnish-y stuff from our Indian takeout earlier this week and the eggplant that might have ended up in the compost heap soon. And it went great with the rosemary fougasse we'd baked yesterday. Home Ec success.

The Low Road

Big A is cheating the puppies at play in this picture; I want the record to show that 😊. Also, despite a full day, it felt quite low. But also, I've been remembering Marge Piercy's poem, and plan to share it with the family tomorrow at dinner.

(In other news, birthday parties for KB and SS and a fougasse bake-along with PM and posse.)

The Other World

I had to make a quick trip to college to pick up some books and papers... and felt like a phantom. I didn't expect to see teaching colleagues, and I didn't. But I'd thought admin were still around given the volume of daily emails, but they weren't. My desk calendar was stuck at March 14th... has it really been that long?! My office plants mostly weathered my spectacular negligence--the geraniums were even in full bloom! A couple of the pothos had developed tired, yellowing leaves though and the ivy had browned. I did a quick water, prune, and replant in 20 or so minutes, picked up the stuff I'd come for, and dashed.

The nice part of the the trip back was dropping off birthday presents for KB and SS, baklava for JG, and a gift for KM (from Nu).  It was nice and it took longer than I'd planned because everyone (incl. KM's dad) wanted to chat. When JG and I set of for a quick stroll we had 45 mins and the timer to turn back went off at the corner of her street because we'd run into colleagues and had chatted for 22 mins.

It was a good thing dinner was (by kids' decree) takeout from Pizza 1. I picked up their order at 4 and made it home by 5, just in time for TV and cuddles.

Wishy-Washy

I'm just over here washing all my produce like an idiot and air drying them like a chump. I don't know if it helps, I don't know if it hurts,  and I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Yet, here we are where everything related to food seems to take thrice as long. (FTR, I wash produce in warm water + vinegar and clean packaging with Lysol.)

Sarah at Harry Times calls it "grocery washing" and although I'd never heard it termed like that before, I knew exactly what she meant. I wish I didn't.

Presto-Change-O

Made it out quite early today with L and T.  The riverwalk was beautiful despite some intermittent graupel, and was satisfyingly empty. We only passed one runner the entire hour we were out.

It reminded me of how L and I would leave at 6:30 am last year and it would feel as though we had a Downton Abbey-sized gardening staff just to fill our hearts with spring beauty. We used to be delighted to see and chat with anyone we saw up that early. Now we're relieved when the trails are empty.

And it's not just us... I've noticed that many people won't make eye-contact, much less speak, these days.

Moods

Huckie side-eying the whole world is my current mood.

(Except this picture is hilarious, and I keep bursting into giggles every time I catch sight of it.)

Monday Magic

It's a good day when it begins with Nu doing a magic trick for the puppy sibs and Huck responds with a standing trick of her own.

Today marked the start of official lesson plans from Nu's school district, At finished up his final project for the term, I turned in my grades, Big A is on back-to-back shifts... kind of a momentous Monday for these times.

"NPCs?"

Snuck out for a walk with these guys and when the other kids saw this picture, they were a bit jealous and claimed that dad and puppies looked like unreal NPCs. Apparently in video-game-ese it stands for a "non-player character." I see it, actually!

All family pics are either the kids or Big A these days... that's just the way it is in these days because of isolating Big A. Friend-writer SS suggested that I write about how difficult and stressful it is to isolate within the family--but what's there to say beyond how much it sucks?

Socializing (Distance-style)

A (Zoom) bake-along with PM, whom I wrote about a decade or so ago and 23 of her fans and their kids (Nu is in one of the tiny top frames)!

And while the dough was proofing, a spot of tea and and a chat with L who brought her sling chair along to sit in the driveway while I perched on the porch. And an hours-long intercontinental Zoom chat with cousins to start things off in the morning!

Simply put:

  

That's it; that's the post.

Sweetness

Today I was quite housebound with meetings, and I'm tired. Chopping veggies and making dinner was the most creative and relaxing thing I did all day. And I don't usually make dessert, but this "crumble" (long-ago store-bought almond granola,  not-so-juicy blueberries, some apples gone soft, brown sugar, coconut oil) made me feel like a domestic goddess.

Also, I didn't realize it at the time, but this tea-towel that L left on the porch for me last Saturday with brownies, a card, and fruit was my very own Easter basket, wasn't it?! Love L!

THIS, Again

Things began to fall apart a little bit today.

We got freak snow that stuck around all day.

At least three friends started shit with their parents on social media/group texts.

The governor's stay-home order made some people so mad, they came from all over the state to protest by creating a traffic gridlock all over downtown including in front of hospitals. Genius.

Do-over Tuesday

It was too windy to walk today (I'd set off with L, T, and R earlier and bailed on them 10 minutes in), so Big A and I chatted inside instead. Scout and Huckie joined us too, but I don't remember what we talked about, actually.

It's Tamil (and Bengali and Malayali) New Year Day! Fresh start #4 or #5 if you're nominally Hindu--haha! It felt odd wishing people in the middle of a pandemic, but 2020 could certainly use a do-over.

When you love your big brother,

the governor's stay-home order sounds like a VERY good idea (to Scout and Huckie anyway)...

Also, At won't admit it, but he kind of likes sneaking peeks at This is Us, which I'm watching with Nu. 

Daffodils and Delights

A day that was full of surprises: for me--blue skies and a slope of daffodils and birds; for the kids--Easter baskets and an indoors easter-egg hunt.

I plan kids' presents way ahead of time, so I had most of what I needed. I added some candy, chamomile and lavender grow-tins, and lotions on my grocery run ten days ago and we were all set.

At and Nu really lit up with joy for the egg hunt. There were six clues, highly specific to us and extremely silly/simple. When they solved one, they'd find the next clue and so on...
Two here are princesses (in their head)

Sometimes they nap in their princess ----

When it's Friday there are things we do well:

getting bottus, praying to Jeji and ringing the ----

When it's dinner and it's time to eat,

this is where my butt finds a ------.

When the tea garden is in bloom like a glade

Nu- likes us to sit here and sip lemon----------

At put these together when he was a little buddy

Sometimes he sits here when he needs to ---------

When it's a smile on Mama's face you want to see

this is where you go to make her some hot ---------

It made me smile to hear Nu working out that last one "Not where Mama makes herself tea--where we make her tea!" (And hence not the stovetop in the kitchen, but rather the electric kettle in the rumpus room 😍.)

Brave New Nu

Well... the clippers I ordered arrived and Nu was quite insistent that they wanted their head shaved. "If not now then when, mama?"--which is a fair Q. Plus it was their "Boss Day."

On top of that, At pointed out that lots of people are doing it during the lockdown 

including health workers at the forefront of the the fight...

And so, voila:

Rising above

I want to be like Huckie!

Basics: Walks and Hugs

My kids seem ok with not leaving the house. Nu (a sliver of blue way back in this pic) has taken to getting through the daily exercise requirement by walking in the backyard with Scoutie and Huckie. At has cited "hell week" and "finals week" as excuses to not leave the house--like at all.

But all four kids have been absolutely amazing with support and kindness and love. Almost... carelessly? Yesterday around breakfast, At just ambled over and enveloped me in a huge hug. When I asked him how he knew I needed a hug, he said "when do you not need a hug?" It was kind of sweet and funny, and made me chuckle whenever I thought of it all day. When I thanked him for it at dinner, HE HAD NO MEMORY OF IT. Either he just thinks I'm super needy and throws me hugs all the time, or I'm imagining things now?

Reprieve

Big A was to leave for NYC today--he was assigned to Bellevue where he did his E.M. residency--but we just heard that they have all the healthcare volunteers they need right now. Over 20,000 people volunteered to help! He's now on emergency standby for NYC and Detroit unless things get a lot better--fast.

Also, some magical pixies put this poster up by our Little Free Library in the night/this morning. 💖

Buy Day

1) Clippers
I realized the kids would all need haircuts before too long, and certainly before our lockdown is lifted. I asked Big A to look for clippers when he went to the store, but they were all out. They're almost all out online too, but I managed to snag a couple for the canine and human kids.

2) Plants
Because I have a riot of tropical happiness in the indoor tea garden (jasmine, bougainvillea, begonia, geraniums...), I began craving new replacement plants (especially for the bougainvillea, which have gotten a bit straggly). Thankfully, online nurseries are open--but I didn't know that the jasmine variety that works in my garden is called "confederate jasmine" or that the tradescantia vine I like is "wandering jew."  I mean! WTH with the racist references? I removed them from my cart, but I really did want them, and overcame my hesitation by making up alternative names like "Michigan jasmine" and "passover plant." I'm either very clever (sarcasm) or beginning the descent into dementia.

Human (Social Distance) Calculator

We weren't sure if the sidewalk was at least 6' wide, so T--who's 6'.4"--decided to check for us.

Reimagining

Arundhati Roy being visionary as usual; the full article is in The Financial Times.  

(Social Distance) Serenade

This week I guess I was anointed neighborhood  birthday coordinator? I received an "emergency email" about another birthday on our street and after some organizing, about 20 of us gathered to sing "Happy Birthday" at 10 am before the expected rain could drown us out.

Still worrying about Big A headed to NYC, may have had a tiny freakout on FB, threw away the kids' takeout mango lassis because how could I be sure they were safe, ordered some ski googles to protect Big A, etc., but I'm in bed now with human and canine kids and things feel... OK.

Time to Freak Out

Big A has been talking about how dire things are in NYC and thinking about heading out to help. Today the city sent out an emergency alert to every NYC phone and waived privileges, credentialing and other requirements for out-of-state healthcare workers. I think I knew even as we were walking with the puppies and making our usual silly jokes that he had decided to go.

He told me late this evening... or rather, he "asked me" if he could go. He's just told his practice and is trying to rearrange his shifts here. 

The thing is I was selfishly hoping that we'd make it out ok as Lansing has PPE (for now) and not as many cases (for now). I even suggested he go to Detroit instead--at least I would be able to get to him if needed. I know he's doing the right thing. But I'm so scared, ashamed for being this selfish, and really, really scared.

Social Distancing Photo Booth

Bestie L's birthday today, but we can't celebrate like we usually do, so I put up some decorations outside her house and invited other friends and neighbors to pose with the decorations to wish her.

She said she got videos and photos throughout the day.  And I got copied on some too!

Pictured here: just my own Nu and Big A at different times today. 

Something Pesky

I'm trying to be upbeat on social media, but I MISS MY STUDENTS SO MUCH.

The little things I've done that students have thanked me for this week... ugh... crying on a timetable every two hours. 

When I feel overwhelmed...

...At's artful trolling gives me a chuckle.

(Sometimes.)

Pandemic, Spring

Across a tawny field that will be green
next week, a stand of maples, waving,
trunks spaced six feet or more apart
as if they’d heard the governor’s order.

As if they, too, were keeping distance,
while in the earth an interplay of fine
roots and tiny fungi relays messages,
shares sustenance, keeps in touch.

From here, their lacy crowns look bare,
spreading as they reach out toward a sky
delicately blue as a robin’s egg. Yet there
a thousand thousand leaf buds hold tight

ready to unfurl in jubilation. Till then
the trees hang on, deep-rooted, keeping
their distance, holding each other close.

Linda Mills Woolsey 3/27/2020

Social Distancing Boo

 

Forever Young

Pic from earlier this week (didn't leave the house today)
MSU Gardens

Although I usually get by on 4-5 hours of sleep, I've been sleeping a lot--a typical sadness red flag for me. But the kids don't know that, so when I said I felt groggy, my loves encouraged me to go back to bed at breakfast--even insisting they didn't want eggs, "We'll eat Eggos."

I eventually got to bed midday after some long chats with Big A (from all the way across the room), 'coping by moping', and writing lovelorn poems like I was a virginal teenager. Then Big A got me some gummie treats via drive-thru, and whoo--I was umm... the life of a very tiny party for a while. Ha. Not a good plan for everyday, obviously.

Still

 Still here, still carrying on. Out with L & T today, but I was mostly quiet. Big A is usually my comforter-in-chief, so the part that's really difficult for me right now is not being able to be held until we've chatted our way through things.

Already hotels--and even my college--have been offering rooms to hospital workers who think they might be at risk of infecting their families. This seems like the tip of that eventuality.

The Weight

This picture accompanied that awful story about India's sudden 21-day lockdown and the thousands of migrant workers who had to set off on foot for their "homes" hundreds of miles away as public transport had been halted.

And I look at that small child (center, front) carrying the toddler nearly half her size, and I look at the instinctive half-smile of the child carrying the large sack on his head, and I don't even know what to do.

Where are they going? Where are we going? What can I do? Everything feels really *heavy* right now.

Today (in the pandemic)

MSU Perennial Gardens

I had become a book
that then became a bird
when I perched in this birch,
tumbling kisses into our earth

Excuse me, Miss--what is social distancing?

Just a bit of silliness from our walk today.


I needed it so much!

Things people have posted about the pandemic that have bugged me (no pun intended)

serenity now!
(MSU Healing Gardens walk with L yesterday)

Corona and COVID-19 jokes or names e.g. "Corona Times," Corona Hug," "COVIDEO," etc.

People are dying, my Big A is on the front-lines here, I didn't get to even end the semester properly with my students, and I'm not in the mood for your stoopid jokes.

(Never mind that I made similar jokes a week ago and the kids still do.)

Relief that it doesn't affect people who are healthy/young/don't have underlying conditions. 
I know and love too many people in each of those categories and I can't believe you're saying it out loud where people who are at risk can hear you.
(Never mind that the thought has crossed my mind too, and I'm grateful I'm not at additional risk.)

Praise for the slower pace of life
Why the heck did it take a global pandemic for you to get in touch with yourself/read/craft/enjoy music and art/spend time with your kids?
(Don't mind me, I'm just grumpy that all this time I love, love getting with the kids is offset by all the time I'm not getting with Big A.)

Happiness about the recovering earth: dolphins in Venice, drunk elephants in China, whales in New York, all that.
Ok, that is actually so cute.
(Even if it appears to be all fake.)

Each one reach one

 

(The lectures I got via FB messenger on how this was a government-instigated distraction were valid, as are the considerations that my parents are retired, in the danger zone age-wise, and genuine about their concern and support for healthcare workers. On we go!)

Big Girl

One of our busiest hikes at Harris Nature Center today--my four kids, L&T; B&L, V&C, plus CF and VC and JS and, and...

I've been feeling... sad is the best way to describe it. And as the human kids traveled up and down the hike group chatting away, I brought up the rear with just the puppy kids, giving myself permission to be alone for a while.

Back home, we made a pantry-sourced, vaguely Thai-inspired soup with sweet potatoes, beans, veggies, lemongrass, ginger, basil, and coconut milk, and then settled in to finish watching the Gerwig adaptation of Little Women after dinner with Big A.

Ever since I won a copy of LW in fourth grade, I've steadily read most of Alcott's novels, contributed to the Alcott encyclopedia in grad school, and generally adore her--that I loved this adaptation with its duplex ending so much means something.

The kids had already seen it with the grands in OH when it first came out, and I found it so sweet the way they watched my reaction as they re-watched the movie with me. Also, they think it's hilarious to call it "Big Girls."

Duck Distance

I mean "duck" is what autocorrect does to my swearing, but also see how seriously those ducks in the picture are taking social distancing?  Haha.

Just me and the river here, and while the deserted paths feel eerie, sunshine and water rippling calm at me = good.

Lots of online work (teaching prep, classes, and grading) and a bit of a bicker with Big A--about nothing as usual. Not sure how I'm going to hang on like this for months.