Wishy-Washy

I'm just over here washing all my produce like an idiot and air drying them like a chump. I don't know if it helps, I don't know if it hurts,  and I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Yet, here we are where everything related to food seems to take thrice as long. (FTR, I wash produce in warm water + vinegar and clean packaging with Lysol.)

Sarah at Harry Times calls it "grocery washing" and although I'd never heard it termed like that before, I knew exactly what she meant. I wish I didn't.

Presto-Change-O

Made it out quite early today with L and T.  The riverwalk was beautiful despite some intermittent graupel, and was satisfyingly empty. We only passed one runner the entire hour we were out.

It reminded me of how L and I would leave at 6:30 am last year and it would feel as though we had a Downton Abbey-sized gardening staff just to fill our hearts with spring beauty. We used to be delighted to see and chat with anyone we saw up that early. Now we're relieved when the trails are empty.

And it's not just us... I've noticed that many people won't make eye-contact, much less speak, these days.

Moods

Huckie side-eying the whole world is my current mood.

(Except this picture is hilarious, and I keep bursting into giggles every time I catch sight of it.)

Monday Magic

It's a good day when it begins with Nu doing a magic trick for the puppy sibs and Huck responds with a standing trick of her own.

Today marked the start of official lesson plans from Nu's school district, At finished up his final project for the term, I turned in my grades, Big A is on back-to-back shifts... kind of a momentous Monday for these times.

"NPCs?"

Snuck out for a walk with these guys and when the other kids saw this picture, they were a bit jealous and claimed that dad and puppies looked like unreal NPCs. Apparently in video-game-ese it stands for a "non-player character." I see it, actually!

All family pics are either the kids or Big A these days... that's just the way it is in these days because of isolating Big A. Friend-writer SS suggested that I write about how difficult and stressful it is to isolate within the family--but what's there to say beyond how much it sucks?

Socializing (Distance-style)

A (Zoom) bake-along with PM, whom I wrote about a decade or so ago and 23 of her fans and their kids (Nu is in one of the tiny top frames)!

And while the dough was proofing, a spot of tea and and a chat with L who brought her sling chair along to sit in the driveway while I perched on the porch. And an hours-long intercontinental Zoom chat with cousins to start things off in the morning!

Simply put:

  

That's it; that's the post.

Sweetness

Today I was quite housebound with meetings, and I'm tired. Chopping veggies and making dinner was the most creative and relaxing thing I did all day. And I don't usually make dessert, but this "crumble" (long-ago store-bought almond granola,  not-so-juicy blueberries, some apples gone soft, brown sugar, coconut oil) made me feel like a domestic goddess.

Also, I didn't realize it at the time, but this tea-towel that L left on the porch for me last Saturday with brownies, a card, and fruit was my very own Easter basket, wasn't it?! Love L!

THIS, Again

Things began to fall apart a little bit today.

We got freak snow that stuck around all day.

At least three friends started shit with their parents on social media/group texts.

The governor's stay-home order made some people so mad, they came from all over the state to protest by creating a traffic gridlock all over downtown including in front of hospitals. Genius.

Do-over Tuesday

It was too windy to walk today (I'd set off with L, T, and R earlier and bailed on them 10 minutes in), so Big A and I chatted inside instead. Scout and Huckie joined us too, but I don't remember what we talked about, actually.

It's Tamil (and Bengali and Malayali) New Year Day! Fresh start #4 or #5 if you're nominally Hindu--haha! It felt odd wishing people in the middle of a pandemic, but 2020 could certainly use a do-over.

When you love your big brother,

the governor's stay-home order sounds like a VERY good idea (to Scout and Huckie anyway)...

Also, At won't admit it, but he kind of likes sneaking peeks at This is Us, which I'm watching with Nu. 

Daffodils and Delights

A day that was full of surprises: for me--blue skies and a slope of daffodils and birds; for the kids--Easter baskets and an indoors easter-egg hunt.

I plan kids' presents way ahead of time, so I had most of what I needed. I added some candy, chamomile and lavender grow-tins, and lotions on my grocery run ten days ago and we were all set.

At and Nu really lit up with joy for the egg hunt. There were six clues, highly specific to us and extremely silly/simple. When they solved one, they'd find the next clue and so on...
Two here are princesses (in their head)

Sometimes they nap in their princess ----

When it's Friday there are things we do well:

getting bottus, praying to Jeji and ringing the ----

When it's dinner and it's time to eat,

this is where my butt finds a ------.

When the tea garden is in bloom like a glade

Nu- likes us to sit here and sip lemon----------

At put these together when he was a little buddy

Sometimes he sits here when he needs to ---------

When it's a smile on Mama's face you want to see

this is where you go to make her some hot ---------

It made me smile to hear Nu working out that last one "Not where Mama makes herself tea--where we make her tea!" (And hence not the stovetop in the kitchen, but rather the electric kettle in the rumpus room 😍.)

Brave New Nu

Well... the clippers I ordered arrived and Nu was quite insistent that they wanted their head shaved. "If not now then when, mama?"--which is a fair Q. Plus it was their "Boss Day."

On top of that, At pointed out that lots of people are doing it during the lockdown 

including health workers at the forefront of the the fight...

And so, voila:

Rising above

I want to be like Huckie!

Basics: Walks and Hugs

My kids seem ok with not leaving the house. Nu (a sliver of blue way back in this pic) has taken to getting through the daily exercise requirement by walking in the backyard with Scoutie and Huckie. At has cited "hell week" and "finals week" as excuses to not leave the house--like at all.

But all four kids have been absolutely amazing with support and kindness and love. Almost... carelessly? Yesterday around breakfast, At just ambled over and enveloped me in a huge hug. When I asked him how he knew I needed a hug, he said "when do you not need a hug?" It was kind of sweet and funny, and made me chuckle whenever I thought of it all day. When I thanked him for it at dinner, HE HAD NO MEMORY OF IT. Either he just thinks I'm super needy and throws me hugs all the time, or I'm imagining things now?

Reprieve

Big A was to leave for NYC today--he was assigned to Bellevue where he did his E.M. residency--but we just heard that they have all the healthcare volunteers they need right now. Over 20,000 people volunteered to help! He's now on emergency standby for NYC and Detroit unless things get a lot better--fast.

Also, some magical pixies put this poster up by our Little Free Library in the night/this morning. 💖

Buy Day

1) Clippers
I realized the kids would all need haircuts before too long, and certainly before our lockdown is lifted. I asked Big A to look for clippers when he went to the store, but they were all out. They're almost all out online too, but I managed to snag a couple for the canine and human kids.

2) Plants
Because I have a riot of tropical happiness in the indoor tea garden (jasmine, bougainvillea, begonia, geraniums...), I began craving new replacement plants (especially for the bougainvillea, which have gotten a bit straggly). Thankfully, online nurseries are open--but I didn't know that the jasmine variety that works in my garden is called "confederate jasmine" or that the tradescantia vine I like is "wandering jew."  I mean! WTH with the racist references? I removed them from my cart, but I really did want them, and overcame my hesitation by making up alternative names like "Michigan jasmine" and "passover plant." I'm either very clever (sarcasm) or beginning the descent into dementia.

Human (Social Distance) Calculator

We weren't sure if the sidewalk was at least 6' wide, so T--who's 6'.4"--decided to check for us.

Reimagining

Arundhati Roy being visionary as usual; the full article is in The Financial Times.  

(Social Distance) Serenade

This week I guess I was anointed neighborhood  birthday coordinator? I received an "emergency email" about another birthday on our street and after some organizing, about 20 of us gathered to sing "Happy Birthday" at 10 am before the expected rain could drown us out.

Still worrying about Big A headed to NYC, may have had a tiny freakout on FB, threw away the kids' takeout mango lassis because how could I be sure they were safe, ordered some ski googles to protect Big A, etc., but I'm in bed now with human and canine kids and things feel... OK.

Time to Freak Out

Big A has been talking about how dire things are in NYC and thinking about heading out to help. Today the city sent out an emergency alert to every NYC phone and waived privileges, credentialing and other requirements for out-of-state healthcare workers. I think I knew even as we were walking with the puppies and making our usual silly jokes that he had decided to go.

He told me late this evening... or rather, he "asked me" if he could go. He's just told his practice and is trying to rearrange his shifts here. 

The thing is I was selfishly hoping that we'd make it out ok as Lansing has PPE (for now) and not as many cases (for now). I even suggested he go to Detroit instead--at least I would be able to get to him if needed. I know he's doing the right thing. But I'm so scared, ashamed for being this selfish, and really, really scared.

Social Distancing Photo Booth

Bestie L's birthday today, but we can't celebrate like we usually do, so I put up some decorations outside her house and invited other friends and neighbors to pose with the decorations to wish her.

She said she got videos and photos throughout the day.  And I got copied on some too!

Pictured here: just my own Nu and Big A at different times today. 

Something Pesky

I'm trying to be upbeat on social media, but I MISS MY STUDENTS SO MUCH.

The little things I've done that students have thanked me for this week... ugh... crying on a timetable every two hours. 

When I feel overwhelmed...

...At's artful trolling gives me a chuckle.

(Sometimes.)

Pandemic, Spring

Across a tawny field that will be green
next week, a stand of maples, waving,
trunks spaced six feet or more apart
as if they’d heard the governor’s order.

As if they, too, were keeping distance,
while in the earth an interplay of fine
roots and tiny fungi relays messages,
shares sustenance, keeps in touch.

From here, their lacy crowns look bare,
spreading as they reach out toward a sky
delicately blue as a robin’s egg. Yet there
a thousand thousand leaf buds hold tight

ready to unfurl in jubilation. Till then
the trees hang on, deep-rooted, keeping
their distance, holding each other close.

Linda Mills Woolsey 3/27/2020

Social Distancing Boo

 

Forever Young

Pic from earlier this week (didn't leave the house today)
MSU Gardens

Although I usually get by on 4-5 hours of sleep, I've been sleeping a lot--a typical sadness red flag for me. But the kids don't know that, so when I said I felt groggy, my loves encouraged me to go back to bed at breakfast--even insisting they didn't want eggs, "We'll eat Eggos."

I eventually got to bed midday after some long chats with Big A (from all the way across the room), 'coping by moping', and writing lovelorn poems like I was a virginal teenager. Then Big A got me some gummie treats via drive-thru, and whoo--I was umm... the life of a very tiny party for a while. Ha. Not a good plan for everyday, obviously.

Still

 Still here, still carrying on. Out with L & T today, but I was mostly quiet. Big A is usually my comforter-in-chief, so the part that's really difficult for me right now is not being able to be held until we've chatted our way through things.

Already hotels--and even my college--have been offering rooms to hospital workers who think they might be at risk of infecting their families. This seems like the tip of that eventuality.

The Weight

This picture accompanied that awful story about India's sudden 21-day lockdown and the thousands of migrant workers who had to set off on foot for their "homes" hundreds of miles away as public transport had been halted.

And I look at that small child (center, front) carrying the toddler nearly half her size, and I look at the instinctive half-smile of the child carrying the large sack on his head, and I don't even know what to do.

Where are they going? Where are we going? What can I do? Everything feels really *heavy* right now.

Today (in the pandemic)

MSU Perennial Gardens

I had become a book
that then became a bird
when I perched in this birch,
tumbling kisses into our earth

Excuse me, Miss--what is social distancing?

Just a bit of silliness from our walk today.


I needed it so much!

Things people have posted about the pandemic that have bugged me (no pun intended)

serenity now!
(MSU Healing Gardens walk with L yesterday)

Corona and COVID-19 jokes or names e.g. "Corona Times," Corona Hug," "COVIDEO," etc.

People are dying, my Big A is on the front-lines here, I didn't get to even end the semester properly with my students, and I'm not in the mood for your stoopid jokes.

(Never mind that I made similar jokes a week ago and the kids still do.)

Relief that it doesn't affect people who are healthy/young/don't have underlying conditions. 
I know and love too many people in each of those categories and I can't believe you're saying it out loud where people who are at risk can hear you.
(Never mind that the thought has crossed my mind too, and I'm grateful I'm not at additional risk.)

Praise for the slower pace of life
Why the heck did it take a global pandemic for you to get in touch with yourself/read/craft/enjoy music and art/spend time with your kids?
(Don't mind me, I'm just grumpy that all this time I love, love getting with the kids is offset by all the time I'm not getting with Big A.)

Happiness about the recovering earth: dolphins in Venice, drunk elephants in China, whales in New York, all that.
Ok, that is actually so cute.
(Even if it appears to be all fake.)

Each one reach one

 

(The lectures I got via FB messenger on how this was a government-instigated distraction were valid, as are the considerations that my parents are retired, in the danger zone age-wise, and genuine about their concern and support for healthcare workers. On we go!)

Big Girl

One of our busiest hikes at Harris Nature Center today--my four kids, L&T; B&L, V&C, plus CF and VC and JS and, and...

I've been feeling... sad is the best way to describe it. And as the human kids traveled up and down the hike group chatting away, I brought up the rear with just the puppy kids, giving myself permission to be alone for a while.

Back home, we made a pantry-sourced, vaguely Thai-inspired soup with sweet potatoes, beans, veggies, lemongrass, ginger, basil, and coconut milk, and then settled in to finish watching the Gerwig adaptation of Little Women after dinner with Big A.

Ever since I won a copy of LW in fourth grade, I've steadily read most of Alcott's novels, contributed to the Alcott encyclopedia in grad school, and generally adore her--that I loved this adaptation with its duplex ending so much means something.

The kids had already seen it with the grands in OH when it first came out, and I found it so sweet the way they watched my reaction as they re-watched the movie with me. Also, they think it's hilarious to call it "Big Girls."

Duck Distance

I mean "duck" is what autocorrect does to my swearing, but also see how seriously those ducks in the picture are taking social distancing?  Haha.

Just me and the river here, and while the deserted paths feel eerie, sunshine and water rippling calm at me = good.

Lots of online work (teaching prep, classes, and grading) and a bit of a bicker with Big A--about nothing as usual. Not sure how I'm going to hang on like this for months.

Drama

Happened upon this graffito in the Hagedorn Woods yesterday. 

Random/terrifying/dramatic.

Have been feeling increased anxiety about Corona and Big A's proximity to it at work (they finally have masks and tests, and are beginning to see an uptick in cases). My mom has been lovely about sending me WhatsApp messages of support and prayer every day. Big A has been joking that if anything goes wrong he’s going to shame her on FB for “not doing it right.” 😂

New Hires

My teaching assistants were great this term, but since we're all only online now and I don't see them anymore, I hired these guys (for the price of two fake-beef chewies).

Legg Day

Legg Park hike; some glimpses of the river, but mostly muddy and ordinary. Scout and Huck loved it, and At and Nu approved of our shorter outing. Lots of distance between us--L and T, B and L, and KP.

And OK--it appears that health care workers seem to be getting sicker from coronavirus--I had noticed this from bits of news, but thought I was just sensitized to notice those bits because Big A works in the E.D. But no. So I've been expressing some panic, anxiety, and fear over here. (understatement)

Yogis/Doggies

I turned around after a yoga sesh yesterday, to find Scout and Huck had been following along (well, kinda ;) ).

And while that was a nice distraction, I'm beginning to appreciate how long this pandemic might last and how intense the health costs might be for us, for so many people. I'm prepped for all sorts of eventualities, so now's the time I begin to worry about people I don't know and things I have zero control over.

I wish I could live through this thing in a yoga trance.

Rambles

Today's ramble was to Lake Lansing, and I may have rambled back to FB too...

The day so far

Checked in with MIL, who wants to visit; made breakfast twice, because we're trying to keep Big A and the kids somewhat apart; refilled At's asthma prescription and asked about hand sanitizer but was told (very kindly) they too were out; went on a hike to Rose Lake with L and T and R to break in my new hiking boots, got lost and hiked longer than we were prepared to, but I have nowhere else to go and loved it; came home and did some calming yoga with my birthday tech (Mirror); found Big A awake and hanging out in the office he's carved for himself in the basement--again because we're minimizing Big A's time with the kids--and got a long chat and lots of hugs; and hence finally to shower.

Love in the time of Corona

I couldn't completely give up on family dinners, so this is how it is now with Big A on one side and the rest of us clustered on the other side.

It was a strange day that felt like the beginning of a war. The email cancelling in-person classes after today had come in at midnight, so I knew driving in that it was the last day. Then I got stuck in a convoy of military trucks on the highway, and it felt like being in the middle of a post-apocalyptic movie. I hammered out an asynchronous schedule for next week; had Big A order At to come home asap; attended a service at the chapel for graduating seniors who are absolutely crushed that commencement is "postponed," and teared up a few times myself; met with my Friday class and let them vent about having to go home/their dashed hopes for choir-band-track/fears about the virus itself; followed the senior playing bagpipes around campus for a while; heard singers practicing "Loch Lomond" on the steps of the library; and then made my way home. I have the feeling all the sweet details of campus life are going to come back to haunt me as this disruption intensifies.

Going(s) on

 Found this as my advisee S and I walked over to the registrar's office, and it gave us both a chuckle.

We've been told that we'll suspend in-person classes after April 3rd; and the delay has colleagues anxious, and students cynical that the date was chosen because it's the last day to request a housing refund.

M-m-m-my Corona

Increasingly panicky and fiddly at work with mounting Corona virus news and news of school closures all around us (MSU, CMU, U of M). In fact, I fiddled so much with my birthday necklace (Nakamol!) that I tied it into knots and spent what seemed like hours trying to unkink it again. By the time I got to class, I was a mess. Luckily, pivoting to student research topics helped me focus.

As I wrote to H.R., what is my script if Big A is exposed (only a matter of time since he has E.R. shifts multiple times a week)? It terrifies me to think of him and all of us in danger. In case he is exposed, we've staked out a way he can self-isolate at home using the front staircase, guest room, and bath + entering/exiting through the front door rather than the rumpus room.

Answering the call

While I headed to work early, L and T took Nu voting with them and Nu got to ring the bell(!!!); meanwhile in another part of the state, At was driving peeps to the polls.




                          

The tea

MacCurdy Women's House's now annual "International Women's Day Tea," and I always chuckle at this Eleanor Roosevelt quote in the dining room.

Over the weekend, I'd received an email from ME, who'd been an exchange student (Russia) a couple of years ago, she wrote: "Dear Maya, hello! Today is International Women's Day and I would like to say some kind words to you! I wish you to have strong health, excellent mood, a lot of energy and more time for devoting yourself to things that bring you a genuine pleasure! I remembered you today, because it was your who sparkled my interest in women's studies two years ago, and called me a feminist..."

Did I choke up when I read that? Yup, I did. I think about students for years after they've left; and this made me too feel remembered... seen. She shared some updates about a DV bill in Russia, and I, in turn, shared her news during other conversations over tea. I have so much hope in young people.

Notes on 'camp'

Quick overnight trip to Chicago. (In classic irreverent fashion, the human kids called it the great Corona Virus Vacation.) Actually, it was a birthday trip organized by Big A as I love long chatty road trips with all the lovies, having carpet room-service picnics, and falling asleep to a range of deep snores.

As I texted KB who was incredulous that I'd do this to myself--it's the closest I'll ever come to camping.