now and then

I loved Nicole and NGS saying that yesterday's Wordle was a sign from Scout (in the comments). Scout was fairly illiterate in his earthly life, but I like the idea of a lettered Scout in the afterlife... he did have a terrific vocabulary of 100+ and was always very intelligent... Like we always had to take luggage out to the car when he was in the yard because he knew suitcases meant a separation.

My writer friend DL lost their family's Sophie this week, and they wrote the most moving and FUNNY eulogy. I love this last line so much: "In lieu of flowers, the family requests you go outside and give a good sniff to your friends and loved ones." Hug-laugh-sob.

Out in the world, my NYC friends are posting apocalyptic air quality pictures, and even we had hazy skies and an angry red sun long after sunrise this morning . It's only June and already wildfires are shifting into the 'uncontrollable' category.

Pic: Goslings, so fuzzy-wuzzy, along The Red Cedar while Big A protected me from the pugnacious parents.

puzzling

a prickle of certainty grows

--premonition, of nearing 

the end of a maze

                                        --the tangled day; then Wordle

                                        coyly unscrambles, hints

                                        your name back to me

                                                                                          I'm repeating: I'm ok, I'm ok,

                                                                                          I'm ok--and edit the evening

                                                                                          into ordinariness

for a while, we tricked the universe

into letting us be in the world 

at the same time

                                                          Now, call as I might, I know that 

                                                          I'll have to come to you--you 

                                                          will not return to me 

not merely a reflection

Workshop on campus today... For whatever my usual BS reason(s), I got very little sleep last night. I was pretty groggy even after a strong black tea--just not enough caffeine, I guess. The adrenaline shot I got from thinking that there was a cop car behind me as I was merrily speeding along to work woke me up nicely though. Ha.

When I stopped by my office during a break, I realized it had hosted a small miracle, as my plants were mostly ok although they hadn't been watered since Friday, May 5th... before I left for the UK...  a whole month! My geraniums were even in bloom. They got a heartfelt thank you and a good soaking today.

Oh, I had to take a break in my office because I teared up a few times because of mentions of Scout, and I could feel a good cry coming. I'm glad people get it. Even the colleague who said "I don't mean to sound callous, but it is a dog" is trying, IMO.

Pic: Radiology Gardens with L last week. The orange shadows in the water are koi--not merely a reflection of the red maple in the back...

closer

I feel bad because I broke my shopping ban and did some online shopping last week. (1) I got suckered into the Loft sale and got a couple of things I DO NOT need. Better a Loft spree than an Anthro spree, I suppose. (2) However, no regrets on the 12-dollar sunnies I ordered for vacation, they showed up, and they're awesome. (3) I'm going to keep Craft and Conscience by my friend Kavita Das, which I ordered for At, a bit longer to myself as it seems like something I could use for a class. (4) The hammocks I ordered didn't fit our stands, so I washed the old ones and put them back on (this is what I should have done in the first place).

Otherwise, I had a lovely Boss Day...I made a risotto with feta and veggies for dinner with At, Nu, and Big A and then a cuddle/watch fest of a new season of I Think You Should Leave. 

Pic: Huck and Max get a little closer...

Max week

It has been a week of/with/at Max. 

I'm so relieved Huck and Max seem to be getting along better. They're not cuddling together (yet), but they play (fight) quite nicely and they really bonded over their mutual panic this morning when I vacuumed the whole house.

Speaking of which, I had to go into Nu's room with a handful of plastic bags and a stack of laundry baskets just to be able to see their floor... I'm not exaggerating, and I'm genuinely worried about this child's ability to live on their own in a couple of years without hoarder-level dysfunction. (Finals week is coming up for Nu, and the stress has seemingly wrought havoc on them.)

Long conversations with sis and mom this morning, while the rest of the fam was asleep, about our India visit in August. One of the things we were discussing excitedly was if we should drive or take the train on some internal trips. And then friends began to text to check in because of the horrific train crash in northern India. It doesn't seem like anyone I knew was on either passenger train, but the huge death and injury tolls are sad and terrifying.

Pic: Huck and Max sharing (the path) by Scout's memorial. 

stay

I am reading aloud to myself

you knock on the door

tell me you hear me 

talking to someone 

                                 I have continued to live here

                                 the house where you died

                                 sharpening my gaze 

                                  into time's arrows

                                                                I am saying to the empty door

                                                                there's still time to change

                                                                 the ending, we could be

                                                                 alive right now

                                                                                          Look, look, those star-shaped 

                                                                                          flowers would fit perfectly

                                                                                          into the despairing holes

                                                                                          in the sky 

half a sonnet for you

the day is a mirror
                                   it speaks in silence
only the two of us
                                   can still remember 
to laugh and laugh
                                   for  we can  laugh 

at almost anything

                                     unmastered, wild

the sun at our backs

                                     light in our eyes

our old life merely

                                     strings of memory

this new life yet

                                     in uncharted sands

Pic: Red Cedar River from the Sparty Bridge with BD.

Note: 14 half lines; about five syllables each. Kind of like one of those necklaces each one gets to keep half of.

shenanigans

Today I was busier than anyone ought to be at the start of summer--but there were huge deadlines to meet. And although I'd been working on them steadily for the past week, the final steps were still due. 

All done now (3:12 am): submitted MCTE materials, turned in Spring Term grades, approved pending NWSA proposals (and created and titled about twenty panels). Not a bad day's work. 

Remember when I wanted to set a timer to take regular breaks? Turns out I don't have to if there is a puppy who needs frequent potty breaks. So I got outside a lot too--it was gloriously summery.

Pic: Max gamboling. When you're so little, you can just slip through the fencing where mom's flowers are...

conviction

windows look to the sky

they look  like  skies

birds could fly into

weightless the horizon

and  sightless  the sky 

yet birds fly there too 

there is only waiting

and  the  wearing 

of shiny new loss

 dreaming  up  sequels

where we just call for

birds to fly through

Pic: Peonies are showing off.

Memorial Day

Yesterday we made a little Scout memorial. 

Originally, I thought we'd scatter his ashes around the bend where he'd come bounding to greet me. The wild phlox is in season again, so all that's missing from the scene of my favorite photo is Scout. But then I began to worry that if we moved to a different house in the future, we'd be leaving some part of him here, so I decided to continue to keep his ashes on the altar. As Big A pointed out, that little space off the kitchen where the altar is really is where Scout spent a lot of time hanging out with me while I meditated, or he waited for me to finish my kitchen chores, or he hung out trying to convince me to give him pets or treats.

I went through a lot of memorial stones with words on them, but I knew even as I checked with Big A that he'd find them too cheesy/ersatz. So I went with a rainbow wind chime and a solar lantern, and we set those up yesterday. I think I'll add a laminated photo to the wind chime in a bit. It was comforting to have a space for our memories of Scout while indulging in nostalgia and family hugs. And when I took Max out for a potty break at midnight, the pretty, patterned light from the perforated lantern was a sweet and steadying presence.

Pic: Scout's memorial. In the background, today's picnic with EM and Nu.

Mother's Day!! (observed!)

We celebrated Mother's Day today as I was in England on the actual day. All day long At/Nu/Big A would say "Happy Mother's Day!" And then add sotto voce--"observed!"--as though they were reading off a calendar. Perhaps you had to be there, but it was low key hilarious. 

It was a Happy Mother's Day for me. We made breakfast tacos, which turned out delicious (At and Big A took some leftovers for later). At and Nu helped me dig up and plant some redbud saplings that L gave me and then we all worked in the garden as has become our custom. At and Nu put the new garden chairs together, Huck climbed on top of the picnic table to sun herself as she always does, and Max followed me around as I weeded and puttered and then flopped into the grass by my feet to nap. When the chairs were built (hi-jinks and a few YouTube videos were involved), we picnicked with lemonade and donuts. Nu and Huck headed back inside and I had a lovely heart-to-heart with my eldest while Max napped on my feet. 

Pic: The kids with me before card, presents, and heading outside...