spinning

It's no secret that Big A is a more indulgent puppy kid parent than a human kid parent... and it's no surprise that Scout's condition hit him hard. I've had to be the emotionally supportive partner more than I can ever remember being. 

I was kind of depending on Big A because... what do I know--Scout is my first ever pet and all I've ever done is read books. Big A is an emergency physician, he had a lot of pets growing up--he'd know what to do, right? No. Families make end of life decisions not healthcare providers, and all his pets "got given away or run over" and hearing that made me want to cry all over again.

Anyway, last day of classes today and then a wine-and-cheese thing at our college President's house. When Prez A politely asked me how I was, I started telling him about my dying puppy (face palm). He then valiantly saved the conversation by telling me that he and Big A follow each other on Zwift, so we were able to turn back to safer topics before I had a meltdown.

Pic: Big A with Scout and Huck post backyard walk; a glimpse of me in the mirror.

tiny, beautiful things

The hospice vet visited this morning--everyone I asked recommended her, and she lives up to all the wonderful things people said about her. We now have a sort of plan: we are to call her when the bad days begin to outnumber the good days. 

Today was a bad day, FTR. On good days, I feel Scout could go on for months; on bad days I wait for the next good day. I was such a mess today; in meetings, I could definitely feel myself bringing people down with my horrible energy.

Also, it's not helping that I've been watching Tiny, Beautiful Things, which is devastating. It's based on the Cheryl Strayed book and I cry through half the show at least. When I peeked at the book, it looks really different in structure, so I'm going to have to get it and read it. And cry some more.

Pic: Scout and Huck love this little dell with its carpet of tiny bluets in April and I'm glad I got this picture of them together so carefully sniffing everything.

living in hope

My colleague-friend, who helped me get to Scout and lost her own puppy unexpectedly that same week, thinks Scout died too. It makes sense because Scout's death seemed so imminent ("a matter of hours to days") and also I kind of avoided her question about Scout when we were texting in the aftermath of her loss. It seemed such an unfair allocation of fate.

Anyway, the hospice vet is coming to check on Scout tomorrow. There is no good news (if the internal bleeding doesn't take him out, they say the tumors causing it surely will). But friends tell me their own loves have lived up to a year with similar diagnoses, and so I live in hope. 

playing catch up

I really did take the weekend off for once, so there was a ton of Monday stuff to get through this morning... almost all done now. I worked so single-mindedly that when I got up at the end of that session, I was quite dizzy. I keep thinking I should set a timer for an hour to remind myself to move/drink water/give my eyes a break. I should just do it already.

Scout and Huck are a bit miffed about the end of Easter weekend; Nu has a ton of PSAT testing this week so they're taking things easy; At showed up for dinner with a couple of his labor friends; Big A returns tomorrow; this is the last week of classes for me. There! All caught up.

Pic: Scout! These days I follow him around the way he usually follows me. 

Happy Easter

A gorgeous day and I got to spend it all with all my babies. 

We did our usual egg hunt in the backyard with rhyming clues.  This year the clue At and Nu found tough was the one that rhymed rains/cranes... they kept getting stuck... "wains?" "brains?" That sounded so zombie-like, it made me laugh. A lot.

My heart is full today. Christmases, birthdays, and Easter make Scout and Huck especially bonkers with happiness--I feel happy we got to do another Easter with Scoutie.

Pic: Can you see all four kids? I thought the tree shadows looked so cool.

saying yes

Yes, it was a good day for Scout today. He loves a good Easter egg hunt, so I'm extra glad he's with us tomorrow. 

The vet gave us Yunan Baiyao--a Chinese herb cocktail that seems to be helping with the internal bleeding; it won't cure the tumors, but I say yes to whatever extra days Scout can spend with us. 

I checked with the hospice vet that I'm not saying yes at the expense of Scout's well being. They gave us a quality of life and pain scale interpreter, and apart from the very bad days (3/31, 4/1, and 4/6), the other days have been alright... 

I can still see Scout being himself. This morning he saw me after his short ramble in the backyard and started to run towards me the way he always does. I was afraid he would restart his internal bleed and started saying "slowly, Scout, slowly"--but he heard his name and thought I was calling him and ran harder. I watched for his belly to distend all morning, but so far so good.

Pic: EM took this photo of Scout and me this afternoon when she visited. I'll treasure this one. As I'm the official picture taker in the family, there aren't enough pictures of me and Scout together. When people ask if they can take my picture these days, I say yes (even if my face is tear-streaked, my hair is a mess, and my bra strap is showing).

can't make up how scary life's randomness can be

Last week when I was in Denver freaking out about Scout, my friend/colleague LV was the absolute best.

 She let me vent and ugly cry, she sat with me close enough to talk or to be quiet, did stuff with students I did not have the energy for, drove me home from the airport so I'd not have to wait for the airport shuttle and could get home to see Scout two hours earlier... and so much more.

Her puppy--her two-year-old puppy--died today from a bowel obstruction and emergency surgery.

I can't.

impressive

Honors Day has got to be my favorite; I'm thoroughly impressed by the work student-people do (even when I've seen the work in process and up close for nearly a year). 

Also: everything was this close. The student whose work I had sponsored was the runner up for the Kapp prize, the student whom I had nominated for a Barlow was also a runner up. A certain someone gave a winning introductory speech at the fancy dinner though (it was me!).

If I sound hyper and/or cocky it's because I'm thrilled I get to have another night spooning Scout. When I left him in Big A's care this morning he was doing so badly, we'd decided to call hospice at the end of the day. I had that hanging over my head as I went to student panels--turning on my good energy, going back to my office between panels to panic and cry, then back to panels again. I kind of impressed myself by how well I could fake seeming normal in between crying on the phone to my sister and KB, crying on text to EM and LB etc.

Then Big A texted that Scout had started to rally--he'd even made it outside. It's kind of impressive that Scout has made it to the one-week mark at this point. He's way worse than he was a week ago, and his breathing is sometimes noisy and heartbreakingly labored. But he doesn't seem to be in pain and he's calm, content, and here.  

Pic: Big A's photo of the sibs together.

more goodbye

I got greedy. 

At first I was just so grateful Scout was still here when I got back from Denver. Then I wanted more. My return perked him up and Sunday was such a very good day... so I began to feel the docs were wrong, and he'd somehow make it through.  

But after we got the second opinion and Scout got that semi shave, he seems to be declining again and not even I can ignore that everything seems to be a struggle for him right now.

I'm in no way prepared for a life without Scout.

Friends have been coming by to say goodbye...

Pic: BSL with Scout; Huckie sneaks a kiss.
 

favorite child

Pic: I've been thinking of this post from two years ago a lot. It's clear now, despite all my previous protestations, that I do have a favorite child... and Scout is it. 

"yesterday... all my troubles seemed so far away"

(Sounds weird to say it, but...) I had a great day yesterday. 

On Friday, the E.R. doc had said that it was merely a matter of "hours or days" for Scout, so getting home a day and a half later and seeing him wag his tail in greeting and get on his feet for pets from me was terrific in itself.

And then I got to have all my kids at breakfast (two at the counter, the other two on the floor) wanting attention, sharing news, being themselves. Really... it's what I've missed every day since At went away to college. I spent the rest of the morning talking/reading --At's head in my lap; Nu (who's way less touchy-feely) on the sofa next to me, letting me squeeze their shoulder now and then; Scout and Huckie snuggled up on my other side. Then I made lunch for everyone. Then people went off to do their own thing for a while. Then I made dinner for everyone. Then we watched a show and played word games. It was like an ordinary and perfect Sunday.

And maybe I'm only seeing what I want to see, but while Scout does look unwell, he doesn't look like he's at death's door. For hours at a time, I could almost forget that the options we'd been given for Scout were surgery (with a failure rate of 7/10) and "humane euthanasia." 

Today we took Scout to another hospital for a second opinion, because surely those can't be the only options? But no--those are the only options. He's hospitalized for the day so they can do a detailed ultrasound to determine if surgery is even viable, and then we get to have that discussion about whether to put him through surgery all over again. 

I'm not having a great day today. Going this whole day without Scout when our days together are so numbered seems especially stupid. 

Pic: Scout (and Huckie) following me around yesterday.