song of forgetfulness

the birds who live through winter know 
how it is possible to be lonely 
buried in never ending seams of snow 
their small calls lie unanswered

yet

stoic, they tuck distance under each wing

as if for a soft, shapeless journey 

and seeing them lets me dream of spring

begin remembering the way out

ice, ice, Friday

I have to laugh because everyone at work asked how the drive up was, and to be honest--the iffiest part was our very long driveway. We still have crystal trees and a driveway that could be a skating rink. I thought our high of 46 yesterday would melt everything, but I was wrong. 

I also thought for sure that the falling ice--which was SO loud--would take out our roof and that we might lose power and I was wrong on both those counts... I'm happy to be wrong sometimes. 

Book club (Demon Copperhead) got postponed and an after-work hang with girlfriends got canceled. So I got home from work, dropped off At's new bank card (they lost their wallet last week), and hunkered down for an evening with Nu, Scout, and Huck (and Big A on Portal). I made a fish curry; Nu thought it was a stew: po-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe. Then an impromptu song fest with every Friday-themed song we could think of, including this one.

Pic: The backyard trees are sparkly, heavy, and creaky with ice. So pretty and a bit menacing.

OMG/ChatGPT/Canon in D

I took a trip down memory lane earlier this week when I recalled the first time I heard Pachelbel's "Canon in D". 

Then on a whim I sauntered down AI Alley when I asked ChatGPT to write me a poem based on that incident. ChatGPT obliged with the poem on the left. 

It's quite the doggerel. 

Which is why I don't share the moral panic about students using it to cheat on essays and exams. From everything I've seen, ChatGPT seems to tend towards the bland and the banal. I think I'd be able to tell something was off from the odd combination of impeccable grammar and tediously repetitive sentences.

Famous last words as I head off to grade midterm essays and exams...

snippets

Ice storms today and no school for Nu (no school tomorrow either, as a matter of fact). Luckily, Big A was home so Nu got a nice, lazy day at home without having to schlep it to my work. 

Pic: I'm asleep with Scout and Huck on me. I wonder why I'm so serious in sleep.

A Shift

my bed is the place I remember
things I forgot at my desk

although I can't see in the dark

I can still see darkness 

work is a metropolis of clouds

and softest unknowing

I seek out the eye of the storm

and plan to claw it out  

*

circle of care

In class, I'll sometimes joke that I'm not the late, great Maya (Angelou)--I'm the regular, living Maya, so when I saw this card on the podium in the classroom, I chuckled. 

But the kind words inside about the classroom being a "positive space" where they could "learn and grow"nearly made me cry. 

It has been a tough couple of weeks for all of us in this part of Michigan. The streets and sidewalks are full of election lawn signs repurposed to offer support and bouquets left at impromptu shrines all over the place.  I now know of way too many first degree survivors of the shooting. Classes resumed yesterday at MSU and I'm proud of students for continuing to demonstrate at the capitol and demand common-sense gun reform.

I am sad that second-degree survivors like my students who stayed on the phone with their MSU friends during lockdown or were traumatized by proximity and details have just been expected to show up and carry out their duties as if nothing happened. (I'm mostly guilty of this too. It's difficult to do something substantial without institutional approval.)

In the evening, BSL stopped by on her way from dropping off a care package for SE, and I had a care package for her. Not quite O. Henry "Gift of the Magi" style, but for a moment like this, I think I like the ecology of a continuum of care more than a transactional one-to-one economy. And hugs are among the best thing humans do. 

echoes

They played Pachelbel's "Canon in D" on the radio this morning as I was working and it immediately reminded me of my sweet, kind friend CJ. 

She was the student director of the writing center where I worked for my stipend in my first year in the U.S., and she'd invited me over to dinner. She and her philosopher partner were very into classical music and so I started jabbering about this absolutely magical piece I'd heard earlier that day although I didn't know what it was called. Then I started humming it.

CJ and L listened so seriously and then CJ ID-ed it as Pachelbel's "Canon in D" and helpfully added that it was a baroque piece and very famous and lot of people played it at their weddings and so on. 

I've since been to lots of weddings where they did indeed play "Canon in D" and it's CJ I think of every time. I'm so happy to be in touch with her again even it's mostly from a distance.

Pic: Grandpa R (Big A's dad) visited yesterday and I got a picture of the three generations... with iterations of similar foreheads.

chances

Family dinner yesterday. Lots of discussions and decisions... The most exciting of which is that At, Nu, and I plan to travel to Bangalore in August. Big A can't go because he'll be in a new job, but thinks we shouldn't delay as it may be the last chance for the kids to have a good visit with my parents. That... sounds awful and I disagree (fingers in ears, la-la-la-la-la). But in any case, it made us not even blink at the steep ticket prices.

Also in the throes of writing my CASA report this weekend, and I hate how the world has so few safety nets and will not allow people a decent second chance to bounce back from long-ago mistakes.

Pic: Huckie being cute and charming the older sibs. Chances are Scout is by my chair as usual. 

new trails

After work meetings yesterday, KPB and I walked the Meijer Trail until we couldn't anymore. Lots of fresh snow to stomp through, a brilliant blue sky, and although this was our first hike together--our strides and conversation were perfectly matched up. 

My usual hiking companion L is recovering from an injury and will be leaving for a month starting tomorrow, and my bestie KB (who made the intro to KPB) is too far away now, so I am extra grateful for this connection. 

Pic: The Meijer Trail in Alma; I cannot bring myself to hike the MSU trails just yet.
 

I try to understand another mass shooting / I hope it's better where you are

the police come by to tell us to turn off lights and lock doors

the police tell us to turn off lights and lock doors, so I do

feeling this body in which I have always lived recede

I sleep with the puppies, trying to keep them quiet

dipping my thoughts into the night 

the nearness of this dunya,

the facts of 

the world

44th day of the year = 67th mass shooting of the year

330 million people : 393.3 million guns

50,000 students on campus now - 8  

It's like one of those rubbish 

math problems and anyway 

I'm so rubbish at math 

my only math quote 

is from the movie

Mean Girls:

the limit does not exist

the limit does not exist 

and what little I know cannot begin to explain 

the things you kind of know and cannot say 

this rapping against rumor and fear 

in class I lectured on literary theory

parenthetically on New Criticism 

those old formalists proclaiming

poems are self-contained 

and self-referential

they should not 

mean, but 

just be

as

the author's intention doesn't matter

the author's intention doesn't matter

in the morning after, those of us who've survived 

can hear the FBI and several State Police 

who are are live on the radio asking

in a carnival of indecision why-- 

why did he do it, what made him

want to shoot up campus 

it seems a bit oblivious

I want to tell them 

what I learned 

to yell

what little I know cannot begin to explain 

there's no math or meaning making here

the author's intention doesn't matter

the limit does not exist

the author's intention 

doesn't matter

the limit 

does not 

exist

Hope is an active verb

MSU students are protesting at the state capitol; they arranged themselves as if they were in the kind of lockdown they've been prepared for all through school. 

Michigan currently has a governor and a legislature that is democratic and has introduced state bills 76-86 for gun reform. Some of these may have stopped the shooter before lives were lost. 

Fear--> Anger--> Resolve-->

Time to call my representatives about SB 76-86.

Pic: via Twitter.

zoom zoom zoom

Worked from home today. 

Then Nu and EM showed up around the same time in the afternoon. 

Nu took over the rumpus room with screens and snacks and EM and I set up at the dining table for a Zoom workshop presentation of our Hope-O-Calypse project. We had a tech producer for the conference and cool Radio Lab-style banter going for a while. 

I should make better notes for myself for our next time (in April) but the hour passed too quickly and attendees loved it and the chat was full of OTT love and praise. The tech producer said they'd send us the chat history tomorrow and I plan to save all those comments and compliments. 

EM and I processed Monday-night's incident some more. She had been on campus just as things began to get dangerous, but said in retrospect she hadn't felt scared enough. I'd felt that way too despite sheltering in place with lights off. Have we just rehearsed these scenarios in our heads too much? 

A quick dinner (combination of store-bought and freezer) and then off to Sistrum rehearsals (via Zoom today as I couldn't handle leaving the house just yet). 

Pic: It was super windy when Scout, Huck, and I took an outside break. And if you zoom in, you can see a train.