It's just another Monday, but also the very first Monday of the year, so I'm counting that as significant!
I'm all prepped (Canvas pages are published, syllabuses are ready, students have been emailed, I've looked over my notes and silly jokes, diagnostics are ready to go, waitlisted students in the oversubscribed classes have been manually added to the roster, I looked up new icebreakers, etc.). But that doesn't mean I'm not super antsy with the usual mix of excitement AND ANXIETY. I've been teaching for over 30 years... And yet, every time is like the first time.
Some somewhat Hamnet-related thoughts. First off, Nance, Lisa, and J were so kind in their approval of that last poem. And I thought about how I couldn't have written that poem if my mom was alive. And then weirdly how proud she'd be of being my muse if she knew. But how happy I'd be to just have her be here so I could write about ants and grasses or whatever else I used to write about before. Also, I'm pretty wrecked by mom's passing... but, watching that movie, it occurred to me that I cannot even imagine losing a human child.
Pic: The daffodil buds I bought myself last week are beginning to flower, as are the roses SH gave me on Saturday. JL gave me that little red cardinal when cardinals were visiting me everyday in Amma's wake in September. I should start a label# SecretWinterFlowers
18 comments:
Let's go, you can do it!! Wait, it's Tuesday now. You did it!
I do think your mom would be proud to be your muse, my friend. xo
Yep, I'm also commenting on Tuesday- by now you've conquered that first Monday. Hooray!
And- I know. HOW do people go on with life after losing a child??? I also can't imagine it.
Onward, Maya. Remember- you never get over it, but you get used to it, and it takes about a year to get used to it. You're doing well. <3
Your conservatory has to be such a blessing in the winter! I bought some daffs in a pot from TJ's yesterday -- they were so cheery (and it is so gloomy out!). I've known several who have had the death of a child and indeed, it can destroy people. And yes, your mom as your muse is a wonderful way to keep her alive in your thoughts -- and in those who read your beautiful work. One day at a time.
Good luck
I cannot believe how early you start back. We're still literal WEEKS away from the first day of classes! I hope all went well on that first day back.
I hope your first day went well. I was supposed to get back to work today but I pushed it back a day to do just-back-from-a-trip things.
It's unfortunate that great loss often sparks great art and writing. Can't we just have the art without the pain and suffering? I do think your mom would be tickled to be your muse, though.
Lisa's comment is one that echoes the thought I always have when I read some authors like Poe, and when I go to the Cleveland Museum of Art and look at paintings and sculpture by so many tortured artists.
I also appreciate so much Jenny's truism: You never get over it, but you get used to it.
And just like you are doing, you find ways to remember and celebrate the best parts of the person so that you don't feel they are lost to you entirely.
Losing a parent is so, so hard. I cannot imagine losing a child. Losing a spouse also seems impossible.
My grandmother lost an infant child, then her husband within just a few years, when she was in her mid 20s. Decades later, she lost her second husband in 1988, her youngest daughter in 1995, her eldest child (my mom) in 2008, then her last child in 2015. I cannot imagine how strong and resilient she was to still find joy and adventure in life, though she never really recovered from any of those losses. (And of course her parents too. So much loss.) She believed she would see them all again in Heaven, so that was a great comfort to her.
I like to think of your mom being your muse, and how proud she is of your poetry. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I still feel like my parents are with me.
It was my first day of class today, so I used your wishes :)! Thank you Nicole! XOX
Thanks, Jenny <3
Jeanie, that's exactly where I got the daffs too! I'm so grateful for the TJs selection of plants.
Thank you for the sage words, friend.
Thank you!
And quite a trip too! Hope having a new house-spouse lightens the load :)
I don't mind--this way I get to see colleagues and students. I was going a bit bonkers with holiday stuff.
I 100% agree with you, Lisa... (Not necessarily "great" in my case, but deeper/better.)
There's so much care and wisdom in this community, Nance!
Even at my most ambitious, I never yearned to be an artist because I superstitiously felt there suffering would be the price exacted. Perhaps suffering is the true Faustian bargain artists forge.
Your grandmother sounds incredible, J. I can see how people could power through life--sometimes there are no options... But to "still find joy and adventure in life" is truly next level *inspiring*
I feel my mom's presence too... I'm glad we share that blessing.
Post a Comment