2) It has been four months. On the family WhatsApp chat, which we'd continued to use since the avatar was a group photo with my mom, I guess the system has noticed there haven't been any messages from my mom in a while, so it posted that she had "left the conversation." My sister and I were very rattled by this. I keep sneaking looks at that screen and it's a gut punch every time.
3) Engie marveled yesterday that we start school so early. Yes, but I take heart in knowing that in 15 weeks, this semester will end and bring me face-to-face with summer break.* I feel-hope-trust that sunshine will heal me.
* I usually end this sentence with "bitches!" in my head.
Pic: Grey, sleeting, and foggy--a terrible trifecta all day. (Not a B&W photo.)
20 comments:
Oh wow, she's right - it HAS been a year of leaving for you. That didn't occur to me to frame it that way, but of course. And as you say leaving doesn't always have to be sad - omg whatsapp, "left the conversation" - because it is good for Nu and for At. Yesterday I brought home the mail and there was a Christmas card in there, return to sender. "Who moved?" Rob asked. It was the one I sent my aunt who died shortly after I had sent it. So. That was weird. "Not at this address" - no, I guess she's not.
Oh, that ticks me off about What's App -- who has the right to say someone has left the conversation when there could be so many reasons why they aren't there. I don't suppose you can "reinstate" her? Yes, some leaving can be good, happy. But it is still a loss -- a loss of what was. You can have both the feelings at the same time, which can sometimes be so complicated -- and sometimes so very comforting.
Take care.
A yea rof leaving-- this is a good frame. We are done 5/1, and I am not teaching this summer, and I CANNOT WAAAAAIIT
The internet and apps and so on are weird, right? At some point, years after my mom died, LinkedIn suggested that I should add my mom as a contact. She didn’t even have LinkedIn, so I looked more carefully, and the suggestion was that I should encourage her to start a profile. Which meant it was looking at my yahoo contacts. UGH. I get how haunting that notification must be.
A year of leaving is hard Even “good” leaving is filled with loss. It was a year of leaving for me, too, and I needed a bit of external support to process all of it. I hope you find the things you need for the healing of your own heart. (That was said with love, not in a bossy way! ❤️)
I cannot believe that photo isn’t black & white. Wow! Did you have lots of tea to mitigate the gray?
xoxo,
Steph
Time is so...stretchy. I would not have thought it has been four months, yet when I look back, I'm astounded at all the other things that happened in that time frame. Here we are, still going day by day. So many of us can be proud of how we made it through the last four months.
It's jarring to get a social media jolt like that.The summer I retired, I was writing my dear friend Ann in Florida a letter to propose a vacation together; within a day I received an email from her sister telling me of her sudden death and that the funeral was to be for family only (with a possibility of a future memorial service). I was beyond devastated. A few months later, I began receiving email from her, but not her. The emails were her address and name, but were junk/spam. I don't know why it took me so long to block them, but I finally did.
PS--The fact that I have no problem believing that photo is B&W makes me a little sad. Midwest winters...sigh.
My favorite insult is bitch nuts. I think it's going to take over soon.
A year of leaving -- yes, an apt framing. And that it gives you your group of three and allows you to breathe is valuable as well.
The group chat's announcement sounds horribly jarring. I have a voicemail from my friend that I listen to now and again, and I don't know what happened -- maybe her phone number was assigned to someone else? -- but at some point, it stopped showing up under her name. Now it's just a number. Sometimes it seems there are endless ways for people to leave you. On the flip side, of course, is that there are endless ways for them to find you again.
That's quite a lot for one year, even without the background of political and international horrors.
"Not at this address" 🥺
Where do they go, Nicole? I find myself wondering about that...
Right? I didn't think it was any of WhatsApp's business! Sadly, I don't think we can reinstate, Jeanie. I wish that were possible in every way 💗
Thank you!
summmmmmmmmer, summer time
Haunting is exactly the word to describe your experience too, J. Tech can be a bit cruel sometimes... heartless, I suppose.
Steph--I spent most of that day indoors surrounded by color... and yes, tea and people.
From what I've seen you navigate the world and change with such grace, and I'm glad you had that outside support. I'm finally seeking out a therapist.
Love to you 💗
It seems like things change in an instant as we are told some news and then it takes forever to get used to living with it...
Oh, how cruel the timing of your friend's death and then the haunting (as J called it) reappearance in your inbox. I think it would have taken me a while to block as well...
LOVE THIS!! I'm going to participate in the takeover... I think it adds some wonderful gender ambiguity to the whole thing!
I'm sorry that happened to you, Suzanne. Now I wonder if mom's phone contract ran out...
Five months, Steph... I remember how you once wondered how we'd look back on this time. I wonder too...
Post a Comment