And then tears were rolling down my face and I was trying to brush them away as I was driving and At was ruefully petting my arm and saying, "Mama, you're not doing what the song is telling you to do" (i.e., "stop crying my heart out.") That made me smile a bit. Then she helpfully noted that we've never lived this far apart before upon which I started crying again.
And some stuff going into storage were picket signs for a cause At had poured years of work into and had come to naught and some stuff going to the thrift store was stuff I had agonized over and spent a way too much money getting for her. Plus our Flu and Covid shots hurt and made me bleed. And I haven't heard this song in years, and "all of the stars are fading away" made me think of my mom, and every thing has the potential to make me sad today.
[I know this is the right move for At, and that Chicago is not that far away, and we'll talk, chat, and FaceTime, and all that... But this feels huge and uncharted. Plus there are all sorts of other risks in Chicago now for a brown person like At.]
Pic: The nonchalant snowperson from earlier this week, whom I termed my patronus, is a melty, deflated mess. They feel like today's patronus.
16 comments:
I'm sorry it's so much at once and that you are feeling melty.
Some days make us cry. I like to think of it as releasing toxins, which may or may not be true but it helps me feel better. Those are ugly-cry times, when you feel loss. You've had a lot this year. Certainly Amma, but Nu too, and now At. Those two aren't lost forever, but the distance matters. hank goodnewss we are allowed to cry. Then we stop. Then we go on. And the world wraps you in a big hug. You will be fine.
Oh, my heart goes out to you. Such a big change, how can it not stir up big emotions? xxoo
Hugs friend! Change is hard! I am glad At isn’t to far away. I think Seattle was an option at one point, and that would be extra hard. Thinking of you!!
Oh, maya. This has been such a Time Of Transition. So much change, and you couldn't pick any of it. No control. So hard.
Remember that you did the hard work of raising At to be able to make this move. This is a Victory for you. She is strong, smart, bold, and accomplished. You will miss her--and that, too is a Victory; we only miss those we love and those who love us, too.
Post-holiday blues are real, aren't they? Hugs to you.
Argh, I’m sorry. This is right for At, so it is right for your family, but it doesn’t mean it is easy. And holidays after losing a loved one are HARD. You know this, you’ve been through it before, but every time really does feeling like learning it anew, right? HUGS to you my friend. You are my sister friend. <3
Super melty and self-pitying. Thank you for being kind.
I thought about this a lot, Jeanie and will carry this with me. "Then we stop. Then we go on." Yes. Thank you. Hugs back!
It's definitely time, Suzanne. But I don't think one is ever ready...
Thank you, Lisa. And thank you for the reminder that Chicago is a better reality than Seattle would have been :).
Wow, Nance--I hadn't identified the lack-of-control aspect in the letting go. It's time for a shot of that old Serenity Prayer.
SO REAL, Engie. Hugs Back.
Thank you, dear J <3.
"but every time really does feeling like learning it anew, right?" This is so true.
Ugh, I know they say the unexamined life is not worth living, but sometimes you start examining and then you can't stop and I could do with a LITTLE LESS EXAMINING THANK-YOU. Eve has been in a very tight group of five friends since middle school, and four of them moved away at the end of high school. The fifth one just moved away a couple of days ago and we are trying to console the mom without saying "YOU HAD HIM FOR FOUR MORE YEARS THAN WE HAD OURS" or whatever. It is SO HARD reconciling your desire for them to move into the future being strong and independent and also wanting to just pop them in your pocket forever because they are funny and nice and you made them and why can't you just keep them forever? Anyway, that's enough capital letters - all the hugs.
Legit laugh-cried my way through this 🥰
Post a Comment