Why the heck was I so determined to be as miserable as possible?
Also, why do I keep listening to my mom's old voicemails. My sister asked me if I found it comforting or sad... And it hits differently at different times...
Possibly the worst thing I'm doing to myself is lurking on my mom's sibling group chat. I got added for updates when my mom was in the hospital, and people have forgotten I'm in there. Now when her four remaining sibs are making plans and carrying on about their lives without her, I feel so bad/sad/mad... I should just leave, but feel like that's another connection I'll lose.
Pic: The island-flavored picture I took of Puerto Rico IN THE AIRPORT.
4 comments:
Please, my friend, let this guilt about PR go. Are you really trying to make yourself miserable? Really? Or were you listening to your own body and soul's needs?
Maybe that's what you need to ask yourself more these days: Am I trying to make myself miserable out of a sense of Guilt? Or am I trying to find a sense of Connection? Does this make me feel better? If not, stop doing it.
And don't discount therapy. I found it miraculous.
Ugh. It is so hard to look back on decisions we made that we wouldn't make NOW. I try to be kind to Past Me, and remind myself that I was doing what made sense at the time, even if I think I would do something differently now.
Not the same at all, but I still have a voicemail from my friend who died in 2019. It's such an innocuous thing, but I love hearing her voice occasionally. Well, "love," because sometimes it causes pain rather than relief.
I guess it wasn't an isla de encanto for you on that trip. Maybe you'll go back sometime and it will be.
Mute the chat. Then you can check in when you want, but you don't get punched in the face by it. I listened to so many voicemails after my folks died. They, more than anything, helped me feel connected. I think I was afraid that if I forgot what their voices sounded like, it would make them less "real"
Post a Comment